I'm like a Bird

Well i'm back into my domain of quietness, Bruce record, the channel permantely on FX and me at my computer typing. I jumped up and down as soon as my mom left.

It's not that i don't like being home, but it's a little overwhelming, like you are reminded of every little things within the walls that were your home for so many years.

My room seemed smaller and brought back memories of my time at highschool, and waking up at 6 to get ready for school. Me writing at my window in a lock and key journal, and looking at the big old collage on my wall that took me three years to finish. And i realized how much i hated being home, because i did nothing while i was there.

This Thanksgving Break when i promised myself i would study, i spent the majority of the time watching movies(HIGH TENSION is an amazing movie, WAR OF THE WORLDS sucked) and playing video games. Growing up in a house of boys, i was the designated video game watcher. Having an older brother i was made to play the games, even though i rather read a book. I am the only girl of my immediate family so most holidays and breaks i spend getting my ass kicked playing Tekken. This is how the set up usually goes. If it is an action game (metal gear solid, resident evil) my brother has full control of the controller while i tell him where to go and how to beat the bad guy. We make a pretty good team and have beat many games this way.

Of course now my brother goes to his friends house and plays, leaving me alone with a machine that i can barely get to work most of the time. I played Splinter Cell the last couple of days, apparently i would make a pretty good operative because i don't mind waiting around for the enemy to pass me , or creep quietly through streets and buildings without being seen. I have a pension for games like Alone in the Dark, Resident Evil, Splinter Cell, and Clocktower because they are kind of mysterious and has something that needs to be solved. The story of my life i tell you.

So the end of the semester is here, and i'm freaking out. You look back and see all that you could have done differently to make the hecticness of finals less traumatic. Not the case, Bio and Chem are killing me, and i have to study so hard for them that i can pass without a problem. On the drive i saw some birds gliding through the air. And realized how much like a bird i am. Sometimes i feel like a bird with my wind clipped, preventing me from flying and soaring through the sky. I notice that i've done it to myself, that i prevented myself from soaring, from leaving the comfortable nest that i've rested in. But i want to accomplish so much, i want to push myself harder than anyone to get what i want. I mean i don't know what i want, but i know that i don't want this.

My whole life has been surrounded around plans. I planned(this was my plan at the tender age of 10) to get my liscense at 16, go to a school in Michigan, get an apartment by 20, graduate by 21, go to med school, become a doctor, have a wickedly awesome social life, with a wickedly awesome boyfriend, friends, dog name spot. But slowly i am noticing that i am plan maker whose plans never work out. I still don't have my liscense, i decided that i didn't want to go to Michigan, i do not have an apartment, or an awesomely wicked anything. Maybe i have to just let it be, i mean life... let it take it's course without fighting against the grain, maybe if i just go with the flow all the pieces will fall in the right place. But sometimes for once i wish the plans would work out, that i'd be one of those people who have it all figured out, whose plans worked, and whose life is much simplier because of it.

Being home i realized how dreaming up the life for yourself and actually creating the life for yourself are totally different things. Dreams are easier because the present no obstacles, life presents them though, obstacles seem to steam roll you to see how much you are willing to fight for it, or how easily you are willing to let the dream slip out of your hand because of the challenges that lay before you. I feel lke the clipped bird, watching the other birds soar higher then they ever imagined, and i realize how i don't want that anymore. For once i want to be one of those birds, to soar higher than ever before, to prove to myself that i can get the life that i want, instead of dreaming of the one.

So with finals week, i have to do some major ass kicking, it may be exhausting, i feel the migrane coming already, but i want my dream to come to reality, to not have it be some plan that falters because of my being afraid of taking that first giant leap from the branch. Everything results from the work you put into it, because the results is that life that you lead, and i don't want to waste my life being regretful of all the opprotunities i let slip me by.

Back to studying, though i so wish i was playing Splinter Cell right now. Or at least watching High Tension again. I have added "new DVD player" on my christmas list for my mom. Is it wrong that at 19 i still expect a lot of presents under the tree? I don't think so.