Doctor!

Halloween kind of snuck up on me.

The people I know here are obsessed with Halloween. It is like a mini Christmas for them. They enjoy planning months in advance in order to make (yes, make) elaborate costumes and attend elaborate parties.

As someone who has spent more Halloweens alone than with people, I didn't catch on to the phenom that is Halloween activities. Don't get me wrong, I freaking love Halloween. I am use to buying candy for myself, racking up a bunch of Dvd's to watch, and chilling at home with a pizza pie and movies. The End.

But now everyone I know participates in Halloween extravaganzas, I'm not sure my own activities makes the grade. From parties, to parades to bar hopping fiascoes, I feel like my tentative plans are lackluster despite how much I enjoy doing them. The last two Halloweens I have worked or taken my cousin to Treak or Treating. I still plan on doing that this year along with setting up a Halloween Themed instant queue on Netflix (GHOSTBUSTERS!!!). Michelle wants to be a skeleton on Sunday and any opportunity to drag her around a neighborhood where she will ask and receive candy is one that I will glady take part in.

There are some parties being thrown by co-workers that I could attend, but I am not sure I am up to it; mainly because the main party is being thrown by Josh who is driving me crazy. Josh and Kat are starting to annoy the shit out of me these days. Josh rambles on and on about his writing 'ideas' (because as of yet they are just 'way awesome scenes that i am just too busy to write') and contends that I have 'low self esteem' in regards to my own stories, which is why I am not as awesome of a writer as he is.

*anger boiling*

Kat started hanging out with Pretty Ricky outside of work and can't stop gushing about how awesome he is. Josh's party is tomorrow and she mentioned it to Pretty Ricky when they were grabbing dinner. According to her he said he would only go if 'she went' and then she made a swooning gesture in the aisle which made me gag a little.

*jealousy boiling*

For this reason alone I don't feel like dragging myself after work tomorrow to his party. One because Josh said I had low self esteem and two because my moderate self esteem is jealous of Kat's continued conquest of all the male attention at work.

So, treak-or-treating and Ghostbusters it is.

I did end up buying a costume though. Today actually. This summer I had my heart set on being Amelia Pond (doctor who companion). I bought a fiery auburn wig and everything in preparation for the awesomeness that was going to be Amelia Pond/UK police outfit. But then I sort of forgot about the whole costume thing (and realized how much money it would be to buy all the things needed for a costume such as hers) and decided a couple of weeks ago that I wanted to be Daria Morgendorffer. However, trying to find clothes for an anti-social, sardonic misfit was very difficult. You'd think combat boots, a black pleated skirt and a green blazer would be easy to find.

It's not.

So I sort of gave up on that costume also went back with my original idea, except I choose the outfit pictured to mimic instead. And guess what? I think I only spent $24 on the whole costume. Armed with a red wig, a mini skirt, leggings and a red hoodie....I make a pretty awkward looking but adorable Amelia pond.

Outside of taking Michelle Trick or Treakin' I don't know where else I will wear this costume. Josh's party is a maybe, hanging out with friends is a maybe and going to the city is a definite no. But I wouldn't mind just wearing it all day and yelling "Doctor" with a Scottish accent into the air.

I do think this is the cheapest costume I've ever worn.

Thank you H&M for making Halloween costumes possible to very broke girls. If only you could provide attractive British guy wearing a bow tie.

Le Sigh Part 2.

I'm not sleeping well.

I had some coffee about three days ago which completely messed up my sleep schedule. Because of this I have been more drowsy then usual. Even sluggish. I am now cursing the fact that I even wanted coffee in the first place, while my body tries to find it's stride again.

The days are whizzing by on my end. I can't believe that Halloween is on Sunday and then that Thanksgiving will only be four weeks away. I plan on heading home, which means I must also plan on being broke for a while but it'll be worth it.

When I graduated from school I promised my mom that I would always come home for Thanksgiving and July 4th. So far I have been able to keep this promise without too much trouble. To be honest being home for those two holidays are more for my sanity than my mothers.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's one in which we all participate in without fighting. My brother even joins into excitement of the day, coming down from his room (because yes he still lives with my mom) to check up on how the food is doing. Then we will play Rock Band or some other game in the living room while my mom listens to music and cooks her heart out.

And I come home for July 4th (or the week around July 4th) to spend time with them and remember my nephew. It's as simple as that.

In the past week I have met several southern transplants here. I admit I hated living in South Carolina. Outside of my mom and brother being there I have no intention of ever moving back to the south. Don't get me wrong. The land is beautiful. The clouds down there reveal heaven. And coming from a person like me, you know that means something. I enjoy the warm weather, and the slow days and the country. But that's about it.

That doesn't mean that I don't hold a soft spot for the south however. Anytime I met someone from Tennessee or North Carolina all I want to do is talk about how different it is here. I want them to remind me of home because some nights I miss it.

Pretty Ricky is from Alabama. I found this out a few weeks ago and for some reason we have bonded over our 'southern roots'. So yeah he is a pastor. And yeah I have had very dirty thoughts about him at work (he came in the other day from a youth ministry meeting and was very a motherf*cking bowtie. I had to do everything in my power not to...well you get the picture), but when we got into a discussion at work with Josh who said Virginia was 'country'; we quickly bonded together and said 'you don't know country until you've driven through a town with one stop light'.

Ricky then added: 'stop lights, in Alabama some of the roads aren't even paved...yet'.

I kind of heart him, just as much as I sometimes heart being home in South Carolina.

On Monday at customer service, I helped a boy from Louisiana. The moment he walked up to me i was like 'cute. very cute' and then he told me he moved to New York after graduating school and couldn't find a job. To which I quickly added 'cute and ambitious'.

We spent a good while talking. His accent was very southern and he wanted to know how I got rid of mine (yeah. I didn't mention the whole born in new york thing). He said he had no intention of ever going back to Louisiana, though he could get a job back home quicker then one here: "but it wouldn't be what I wanted to do" he said " And it sure as hell wouldn't be where I wanted to live. Feel sorta stuck sometimes".

I kind of wanted to kiss his face here. I mean holy hell, I have a tendency of thinking I am the only one struggling to make something for myself here. And here he was, with very nice green eyes and an accent that was not annoying, saying the same thing I have felt. And despite wanting to grab him by the collar of his jacket and smooch his face to death, I refrained and admitted that I too was in the same boat.

"same southern boat"

I knew this would have been the best time to introduce myself (we were really hitting it off) and ask if he lived in the area. But I didn't. Instead I wished him good luck and then watched him walk out of the store.

It's was weird. Talking to him made me feel....at home. And this had nothing to do with my attraction to his face. I realize that I gravitate towards people who aren't from here. Who are doing the same thing I am, in an attempt to not settle for small town living. It's a fear of mine to be honest. There are two types of people who come from small towns. Those who don't plan on ever leaving and those who can't imagine staying.

And despite my attachment to the south. Despite the clarity of mind I get when I am home and am around farm land, blue skies and lazy southern mornings; I don't find myself wanting to go back. I want to visit. I want to stop in and say hello. But I want to make something of myself here, just to prove that I can.

Just like cute Louisiana boy with the deep accent and green eyes.

I just want to prove to myself that I can do this. To take a chance of leading an extraordinary life just because. And I have a feeling that all of these transplants I have met are doing the same thing. All in very different ways but with the very same intention. And I am not looking to lose any of the things that were nurtured in the south. I am not looking to be someone different. I, like Pretty Ricky and Louisiana and every other young transplant here, just wants to function and live outside of the unpaved roads of small towns.

Anyway.

I should try to get some sleep. I am not the best person when i am drowsy and the fact that I have to close tonight will not help at all. It is raining something beautiful here which will induce sleep better than any medication.


Remind me not to drink coffee anymore. Last year it gave me something flu like. Now it is depriving me of three days worth of sleep.

Le Sigh.

The Event

Yesterday the store had a huge event featuring a book signing and speech by a very popular TV newscaster. We've known about it for some time, but of course, didn't grasp the full weight of the visit and event until the day of.

Events at the store are dreadful. Dreadful. If you have the pleasure of opening that, you can except a million calls regarding the time the event starts. If you are closing, look forward to cleaning up after very disgusting people. And if you have a mid shift, well, there goes the rest of your day because you will be slaving your ass away to set the event up and then cleaning up afterwards.

Yeah. Fun Times.

Although the events themselves have nothing to do with actual bookstore sellers priority we are forced to participate whether we want to or not. The person in charge of these store signings is Joy, and she is anything but. Technically she is the Community Relations Manager (CRM) and does a lot of things relating to literacy programs in the community. Occasionally she gets a bunch of authors, TV personalities and musicians to come in every once in a while to sign books and take pictures.

As CRM she doesn't really interact with us that much except when an event is occurring and she needs laborers. Last Thursday when I came in on my day off, it was to help with a teacher luncheon she was throwing. My role was reduced to setting up a table, unpacking a bunch of boxes and cleaning Joy's office. I was only suppose to stay for four hours but she wanted me to help clean up. I didn't leave until 8 that night.

So a few weeks ago, when we learned that a very popular tv newscaster was coming to the store we all rolled our eyes and crossed our fingers because none of us wanted to help. Unfortunately, I along with a handful of my other co-workers worked the event last night regardless of previous complaints. We ended up setting up chairs, manning an unruly line, and almost tackling a lady with a dog.

It wasn't so horrible when I think about it now. I mean I did get paid to stand around for a good chunk of the day and tackling that lady with the dog would have been hilarious.

You know what I don't understand however... our obsession with celebrity culture. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge pop culture buff (i am trying to convince my mom to buy Scene It for Thanksgiving, because I am in the mood to demolish the family in a pop culture trivia game) but I rarely am that interested in the idea of celebrity. Unless your name is Sufjan Stevens I wont get crazy over you. And I realize now that is a very pompous thing to say. We all have people we admire from afar, but as of yet I have not been that struck by a celebrity and don't plan on doing so anytime soon(except that kid from Star Trek, i may have followed him around the store)

But every time one of these events occur I am struck by how fanatic people are about meeting someone they've seen on TV. Some cry, some primp in the line, some can't wait to touch said 'celebrities' hand as if there skin is the golden ticket to success and admiration. And don't even get me started on the schmoozers, who can kiss ass better than a dog can sniff one.

Yesterday however, the newscaster was actually kind of awesome. She was personable and engaged the crowd and said some things that made sense to me. Mainly that you have to be hard headed in order to get what you want. She described her first years in the industry where she was rejected left and right and that she couldn't understand what was wrong with her. But that one person took a chance on her and that all you really need is that one person to see potential in you.

Her whole speech revolved around being hard headed and resilient. That failure is to be expected but only the strong survive. And I don't know, despite wanting to be a person not struck my said 'famous' person, I sort of started to dig her. Not so much for her show that I don't watch or her celebrity status but because she had a point: 'do what you love, even when all else seems impossible'.

Because if leading an extraordinary life were easy, everyone would have one. We'd be a society of interesting, engaging, happy individuals exploring the world. But we aren't. And despite how difficult my life is these days, I have to believe it's because I am struggling towards something great. Or at least something that is better than average.

Say What?!?!?

Maybe I should have really read the novel Pride and Prejudice. Jane Austen may be on to something when it comes to the nature of courtships.



Yesterday at work I was standing at customer service with Kat, Matt and Josh. We were talking about Halloween, and the shenanigans we were going to get into that night (does taking your 5 year old cousin count as shenanigans)when the phone rang. Since no one else seemed too excited to answer, I grabbed the line and dealt with the person on the other end.



By the time I got off the phone, the three were already engaged in another topic and had capped off the conversation with a joke where everyone but me laughed.

There is a thing you should know about me. Something I have never admitted on this journal before. I am sort of embarrassed about this but here it goes:

I am really bad at jumping in the 'middle' of things. Conversations, jokes, jump ropes, television shows. It's sort of an embarrassing and quirky trait.

I noticed this deficiency when I was a kid. I use to watch Ghostwriter (a PBS kids detective show) during dinner and was obsessed with the kid crime related drama. We had two TVs in the dinning room because my family use to watch the ABC family line up during dinner, except for me. I'd freak out if I missed an episode of my prized show.

Anyway, one night I got to the TV too late and missed the first 10 minutes of the show. Of course the 10 minutes include the initial mystery solving dilemma (the setup). For the next 20 minutes I couldn't figure out the story line to save me. I couldn't jump into the show after the commercial break and retrieve information on what transpired earlier.

So anytime I miss small chunks of situational information, I get lost and flustered. Don't watch an episode of Law and Order with me if I've missed the first 15 minutes. I will spend the rest of the show complaining that I can't figure out what the hell is going on. I could never play double dutch a school because I jumping into two rotating ropes is confusing as hell. And ugh, if I miss the setup of a really hilarious joke you can bet the punch line is going to fall flat.

There I've said it. Feels good.


My mom thinks this trait of mine is hilarious and so does Marie. The look on my face as I try to decipher missed information has been described as priceless and I'm pretty entertained by this myself. I've come to accept it.


So when Matt, Kat and Josh started to laugh and I was the only one who didn't follow, I brushed it off. Immediately I say: 'oh no, i missed something. I don't get it. confused now' and begin to walk away from them. But then Matt, says 'you do that a lot. You know. I'm starting to worry that things are just going through one ear and out the other'.

SAY WHAT? Excuse me?

But he continued:

'when i talk to you sometimes, you get a glazed look on your face and I wonder if you are paying attention at all. Seriously...'

SAY WHAT?! Times Two

I think he just called me absent-minded. Absent-minded. I am not absent-minded MATT. What the hell! I immediately got very defensive and retorted 'glazed over, I'm not five! I just didn't catch what you guys were saying'. Gosh.

Is it wrong that after that criticism, my small crush catapulted out the window and landed in a fiery pit of absent-minded fluff. I know, it is a little shallow on my part. But, being called absent-minded is not my idea of a guy showing interest in little ol' me. I don't care how sparkly my eyes are. Maybe they are sparkly because there are so glazed over from my absent minded tendency.

I mean, he's not that great of a writer (though he loves showing me his work) but I've never said in a conversation 'you're no Hemingway', especially in front of other people. I guess I'm a tad bit sensitive about personal criticism. So he didn't use the word 'absent-minded'. But the tone was very condescending, especially because he said it in front of the other two to get a reaction, as if that particular habit of mine was 'bothersome' to him.

I don't understand boys. At all.

This has potentially ended before it even started.

You Put A Force on Me.

Tomorrow can't come fast enough. Six days of work is brutal. Six days of dumb questions ('where's the nonfiction section', 'how is the fiction section organized' 'can i pay for this item at customer service where there is clearly no register?) can wear a person down. And I am all kinds of worn out. I haven't had a break for a solid 7 days. I don't plan on doing much of anything tomorrow because of this.



Last year when I started my internship with crazy publishing lady I had to go in every Tuesday and Thursday. For that reason I obviously didn't work at the bookstore those days. Even though that internship ended a year ago, I saw no reason to change my availability. I would kill for a weekend off every once in a while, but having Tuesday and Thursday off is very beneficial. For one, if an interview comes up unexpectedly I can schedule it on two very popular interview days. The day after Monday and the day before Friday. I hold on to these days off with a fiery passion. Several times I have been asked to come in on these days and my response has been swift and to the point.



'can't have other plans'.



For some reason three people have asked me to switch shifts with them this week. All of them trying to take Thursday away from me. I just can't do it. The huge migration is still taking place at Le Sad Store. Jenn's last day was Saturday and a few people will officially be out of there this week. A co-worker texted me this morning to ask for my Thursday shift because she has an interview that day, but I had to decline only because someone already asked me, to which I declined.

I would have made an exception for her but I couldn't deny the dude who already asked me request just a day ago and then switch my schedule with someone else. That wouldn't have looked good at all. So i told her that I couldn't switch shifts that day.

I may not have anything going on Thursday, but I could. You never know. I applied to some of those nonprofit jobs a week ago and I am feeling pretty good about them. If something should come up this week, I want to be able to make it. I have a tendency of putting others before myself, but in this case I can't. I too am looking for new employment, just because I don't act like an asshole at work and bitch about the job, doesn't mean that I am happy there.

This weekend was dreadful. Everyone was in a weird depressed funk that was hard to shake. It has a lot to do with the big migration taking effect and general dissatisfaction with management. Everyone, outside of the new people, are ready to move on from Le Sad Store and we have secretly held meetings about our individual exit strategy in the aisle. I am a little low key in discussing my plans but McAbs ('memba' him) had a near temper tantrum this weekend because they asked him to wear a bunny suit for an event in the children's department. Afterwards he came over to me and said 'i can't do this anymore. I fucking hate this place. I'm not going to grad school so I can wear a bunny outfit at work'.

Point heard loud and clear. Loud and Clear.

I tried to tell him worse things have happened. That he was only in the bunny suit for 15 minutes. That we all 'fucking hate this place' but that we like each other which doesn't make it that bad. We just have to hang in there and not tear each other apart in the process. He was not feeling this pick me up and spent the rest of the evening sulking and avoiding me.

I have had days like him, like everyone to be truthful, but I can't drop anchor here. I can't. Even when I want to.

I would love a new job before Christmas. It would be the best gift ever at this point. So fingers crossed for me. But until then I have to keep my head above water. I need to.

This has been a littler easier to do these days after last Monday. Ever since the weird conversation with Matt, he has, in the words of Liz Parker circa Roswell, "put a force on me'. It may be shallow to develop a crush on a boy because he may have professed an attraction to you, but dammit if that hasn't occur. Until a week ago he was just Matt; goofy, smart, attractive nice guy from work with really awesome blue eyes.

In an instant though he has become someone else. It's like he has developed a shape and form and a composition that I was never aware of until now. And like a true weirdo I want to dissect, analyze and figure him out. I think I'm beginning to understand the lure of mutual attraction. When someone likes you, you feel like you too are existing for the very first time. For someone who often feels invisible having him say something cryptic and nice has affected me.

Marie keeps telling me to forget about the Matt thing. That it doesn't really matter because he is someone I work with and we know have a lot of mutual acquaintances and he may not have any interest in me at all. This is all very true. I mean since last monday he has made no repeat attempts in engaging me like he did. He is still very nice, and goofy and smart but I can't read him. I don't know what he is thinking or feeling. I want him to tell me my eyes are pretty again dammit.

I am not being obvious about my new fond interest. I pay him about as much attention as I did before while making the rounds with my other co-workers. But I find myself lingering near him a little bit longer these days, making sure to say hi when I usually would have walked past him. He is like an endangered animal, a boy who may actually like me. And I find myself wondering what it is he sees, so that I can see it myself.

He is going to see Jackass 3D with Kat this week and asked if I wanted to go. I of course have an awful 2-10 shift and can't go but I said it would have been really cool to see it with him, because the last time we went to the movies I had a fun time. I am trying to do little girl things (without being annoying) to show interest, because as a girl with a lot of walls even my small signs of interest may not come across at all.

But his Stoicism will be the death of me.

I am possibly going to send him a sample of a short story I am writing. He finally gave me a critique of my Peru novel and said it was filled with depth and promise. I thank him the other night for giving me a nice critique and he voiced his interest in seeing more stories, 'now that you trust me a little more'. What is this boy trying to do to me?

If all else fails, and this is nothing more than a sort of interested guy, I might be able to seduce him alone with my writing. I've always been much better at expressing intimacy that way.


It's still all so very weird though.

I Will Sing You a Song I Can Lean On.

I really want to make mix cd's again.

yep.

Beckett.

Weekenders.

I really do miss my weekends.

So I'd spend the bulk of it lounging around my dorm room or bedroom watching lifetime movies and eating a subway sandwich. But still. I'd rather be contemplating what time I should get my turkey club so that I can make it back before some dumb movie about revenge than coordinating my outfit for work today.

Le sigh.

I am clocking in a six day shift this week because I was asked to cover a store event on my day off. Evil Manager asked me to come in for an extra day last weekend and I knew I should have said no. But of course because I am dying to go home for Thanksgiving, I could not turn down an extras day work.

When I got to work this Thursday, I was in charge of setting up tables and chairs and dismantling boxes. I felt like a lackey, especially as I was wheeling around this huge cart around the store. I did not participate in the actual event itself, where tea and cookies were served to teachers from the district. Instead I was a party of one, manning the meet and greet table where I didn't really meet or greet anyone.

I am running rather low on energy and motivation these days, hence my desire to have a weekend to myself, and I sort of hate the person I have become in result of it. Last night I was going over old posts from three years back and I am sort of struck by the difference in tone and narrative voice those posts are in comparison to now. Where I was lonely and miserable and awkward in school, I was also expressing myself in reaction to that with much more humor and optimism.

I feel like I have become the Debbie downer I use to silently roll my eyes at way back when. It's a little disheartening, especially because i have a written record of my life now (cause at this point, I've laid it all out here). I guess I never realize how much of a safe haven college was. So, yeah I could sulk and be miserable and bemoan about anxiety and Art Boy but I felt safe there. And the 'real world' sort of feels like you are on the edge of a really tall platform and heavy winds are blowing you about. And you are always one gust away from losing grip and falling over.

And I have a tendency of not enjoying the moment while I'm in it and then looking fondly back on opportunities that were missed. I did that in college, I am doing that now. I read a post from October 2006, the month I started therapy and I nearly teared up with happiness.

In the post I talk about my first venture into the wonderful world that is therapy. During my first session Casey, psychologist, says that we will work together to make me more congruent. When I read that sentence I was like "omg, i forgot all about that goal for myself in therapy". I have been toying with the word all day.

In Latin congruent is congruere which means to come together or agree. The person I see and the person I am are very blurred by my anxiety, depression and black and white thinking. And for the last four years (2 of which I had help from psychologists) I have been attempting to become whole. Not that I am this freaking broken, splintered person. We won't go that far. But there are cracks.

And I freaking hate that the glue that sort of held me together than was just my very awkward perseverance through the storm. I haven't lost that, but damn it all to hell if I am not drowning that in misery too. It's very hard work to be miserable, I am sort of over that for a while.

I want things to get better, I do I do. But until they do, I can't lose grip on who I am. That alone will make this quarter life crisis thing more than a pain to deal with. So maybe a change of attitude will affect change in my life.

I mean hey, I still am applying to wicked awesome jobs and planning out outfits for interviews, I may potentially have a boy to crush on who is crushing on me (more on him later) and guess who just got My So Called Life on DVD! From Netflix! This girl.

I am planning a weekend to myself soon. I don't care how the funds look. If I could spend two days to myself, eating a sandwich and watching Dead Like Me or even My So Called Life then so be it. Currently I am picking my sanity over anything else. It's what has always made things a little easier.

Some Nights....

...there isn't a pillow large enough for me to yell my frustrations into.

~Beckett

Interesting Development in the Boy Department.

Boys are confusing. Like really confusing. And after last night I think I may have no concept of the opposite sex.





So I did not contact the creepy customer guy despite a phone call and text message from him. On a creepiness scale from 1 to 10, I gave him a high 7 and in retrospect I should not have given him my number. For him to tell me, within within minutes of talking, that he was just getting over a 'depressive' state which left him despondent for weeks was kind of weird. As a person who suffers from both depression and anxiety I would never admit that to a stranger. Ever.

I mean, outside of friendly exchanges, I don't really know him and I got the feeling that he would be needy and clingy from the moment I started talking to him. So yeah, maybe he is a nice guy (and those GRE books would have been useful) but at this time even hanging out with him would feel...forced. Especially because I have had no interest in past interactions to get to know him.





It all comes down to the fact that I need to be comfortable around a guy in order to hang out with him. It's my thing. Even though Mike and I had our moments, he was the closest (and only) friend had in college. He was judgemental and hard headed and the whole extreme sports thing was not my cup of tea. But when he wasn't being annoying, he was patient and funny and didn't mind grabbing cookies with me after after class.





We never crossed the line between friend and dating because we'd missed the opportunity to do so. Marie and I talk about this 'dating time frame' all the time. I think men and women can have platonic friendships only after weighing out romantic interest. For me, every guy friendship begins with me wondering if he is someone I would potentially date. Mike was very flirty in the beginning of our friendship. He would drop hints that he was interested all the time while I shrugged my shoulders. After a few months of this we quickly became fast friends because he knew that I wouldn't date him. And I had no attraction in the beginning.





For me, you can't date your best friend. Your husband or boyfriend can eventually become your best friend but I would never want to date someone who knew EVERYTHING about me before then. Like Ducky and Sam from Pretty in Pink. Their relationship would have been disastrous after a while and that is coming from someone who is a huge supporter of Ducky. Because in all honesty, if happily ever after never worked out for them they would not only end up losing a partner but also a friend.

This is why I believe there is a window of opportunity (2 months to year) when you can date someone who is neither your friend or a complete stranger. This person is sort of an associate who you've known for a bit but not long enough to be consider a friend. There is a theory in practice and I'm not saying dating your best friend or a complete stranger is impossible but for me it seems pretty hard.



I am a pessimist in this department, I admit this. I'd feel uncomfortable dating someone who knew me for years but I can't even begin to imagine dating a stranger. This is put me in quite a bind because there are days when having a boyfriend to lean on would be...nice. But I'm not exactly sure how one falls into dating a person. Which I guess is why I am hesitant when it comes to approaching boys and/or boys approaching me. Because you know what, despite my unscientific 'dating time frame' theory, I would end up dating someone a) who was a friend for many years or b) out of the blue because I missed all the social clues of romantic pursuits that I sort of fell into dating a stranger. I wouldn't put it past me.

But the other night something really weird happened that is making me question everything.



Remember that kid Matt from work. The one who I travelled with on Nerd Day Extravaganza. The one who gave me his very crappy story to read. The one who has very pretty blue eyes that you wish did all the talking instead of his mouth sometimes. Yeah, that one.


A week or two ago we were in the break room talking about a writing project a mutual friend of ours is putting together. By writing project I mean a guy from work has put together a writing journal of sorts for us to submit work to. The first volume came out a month ago and I, of course, did not participate. Matt turned in a couple of pieces (involving zombies and strippers) and has been urging to me submit something ever since.

This is what we were talking about that day in the break room. He said he really wanted to read something of mine and if I felt uncomfortable showing him a full story he would be cool with just a summary of something. For some reason this made perfect sense. I could give him a sample of my work without really giving him a sample. Brilliant thinking Matt. So, I wrote the summary of one of my stories down on a legal pad that day and toyed with the idea of giving it to him.



After a few days of avoiding him I approached Matt as I was leaving work and handed him my folded up and by now tattered summary. When he went to grab the note I held on to it tightly and said 'i don't do this. I don't let people into my writing world. this is a very serious trust thing, and I don't trust a lot of people. this is only for you. not Josh or Kat or anyone else. just you. promise me that" I tried to say it with as much humor as I could but there was a definite seriousness to my tone. And I could see that he understood what I was saying. Because he promised me with a sincerity I rarely see that he would take good of my thoughts.



Ever since I gave him the summary though he has been acting weird towards me. Nicer maybe. Not that he was ever mean to me but our relationship has...changed. We did have a really good train ride together in August and during our visit to the museum, when he'd catch me staring at dinosaurs all by myself he would come over and to make sure i wasn't drifting away.

I sometimes have a crush on him while other days I don't. He is intelligent and funny and knows a bunch of things I don't know. He is crush worthy. Very crush worthy. But until a few months ago he was in a long distance relationship with a pretty girl in Connecticut and then when they broke up Jenn was calling dibs. So I didn't think much of it.

But after last night I don't know what to think. I don't know what he thinks and it is driving me crazy.

Here it goes:

I was working in the receiving area (in the back of the store) for a while when Matt came back there to grab some boxes from a shelf. We started talking about random things because we have a tendency of doing so. I always poke fun at him because he walks very softly and I can never hear him when he approaches. So I asked if he could carry change with him or something so I'd know when he was approaching. We continued this back and forth banter, when he suddenly picked up a magazine with a very beautiful model/actress on it and held it in the air for me to see.

"I don't get shit like this" he started "why people think men are so obsessed with women who look like this". The chick on the cover was very beautiful. Tall, and ultra skinny with hair that never (ever) stands out of place. Her boobs were huge and for god sakes legs just aren't that long. They can't be.




I shrugged and said something along the lines of 'well that's America's concept of beauty. hence why i was a very insecure teenager".





Then out of nowhere he says:





"yeah but guys like me don't like girls like this. this is not real. I've liked girls like you my whole life and it's sad that all we see on magazine are girls like her. It's...wrong when you think about it"



Excuse me, come again?



If I am exaggerating, stop me here. But what the fuck did he just say?You like girls like me. Girls like me. Repeat that again. GIRLS LIKE ME. You can't say that to Girls Like Me because we fall hard. We get butterflies in stomach. We write blog posts about you.

I played it off, I think. Maybe he was just being nice. I mean he is nice. So, I just made a joke and then returned to the project I was doing. He then says he wants to tell me that I will like because I am a girl (so he's not perfect). I laugh and say ' did you just say I'd like this story because i am a girl'





"well not because you're just a girl but because you are a girl with really unusual eyes'





And I stop smiling when he says this because I rarely make eye contact with people. But my eyes are big and brown and in the light they are creepy shade of brown. I like them, but I rarely think people pay attention to them. Especially him.





He begins the story by mentioning his ex-girlfriend, which immediately makes me hate the story. He broke up with her a few months ago, and rarely says anything about her. Anyway, he said he recently found pictures of her that he'd taken in the dark and that he was amused by how bright her eyes were. Because she has weird eyes too! And he missed her eyes the most especially when they went to bed, because they were really beautiful eyes that sparkled. And that my eyes might do the same thing, 'just saying'.



WTF? Come again?




By now my big brown sparkling eyes are fucking huge because he is starring at me and I am starring at him wondering if he is trying to tell me something. But I don't know what to say because I am not sure what I should say. Because I'm not sure if he just told me my eyes are pretty and that girls like me are beautiful. I don't know if his last minute decision to go the the city with Jenn, Kat and I had anything to do with me agreeing to go ( he did mention if I was going he would make an effort to take the day off to go too). I'm not sure if asking me to see Inception with him was to just spend some time with me. Or when he gave me a map he brought from Germany because he knows I like to put them up in my room. I'm not sure if yesterdays comments expressed interest in me or just interest in small talk.



But before I could say anything else, Kat came into the back and ran over to Matt to give him a big hug. And the moment was interrupted. That girl like me with the nice brown eyes was replaced with a girl like her. And he looked uncomfortable but didn't turn the hug down and I just resumed the last of my project while they embraced for a moment and then made a quick exit.



I don't know what to think. Maybe he was just reminiscing. Who knows, but it is all very was odd. And now I don't know what to do. The whole crush thing has flared up and I am confused by it. Dammit. Why can't boys just make sense so that I don't have to analyze everything. Because that is what I've been doing.


I mean saying he liked 'girls like me' was the equivalent of Mark Darcy telling Bridget Jones that he liked her: 'just as you are'. That changes a girl. It does.

Damn.

Little Admirer.

Um. I may have accidentally befriended a precocious nine year old at the bookstore some months ago... unwittingly of course.



Let me explain.



I fucking hate my job so much that I even hate how much I write about hating my job. But because I was a kid, teenager and sort of adult with a tendency of daydreaming about this life I want to lead and the one I am leading, I am in a funk about the current state of things. I wanted to move to New York, I wanted to work at the bookstore while I interned around town and applied to 'big people' jobs but I just had no clue it would take this long. I am wallowing in disillusionment at the moment.



But, and there is a but, the aspect of the bookstore I do love is interacting with people who like to read. And by read, I mean people who don't jump on the bandwagon of Oprah, or even the new york times, book suggestion. I like interacting with people who are either discovering new writers or who value substance over word of mouth promotion. And it's not to say that 'popular' titles aren't...good. But when I'm in a bookstore (i miss the Strand) I run my hands against the spines of books until a title catches my eye. I read the back cover copy and thumb through a few passages before I commit myself to reading it. I don't need Oprahs help in finding good reads. I like to discover my own.



Case in point: I was in the store a few days ago when a lady came asking for Oprah newest selection for her book club. Not only did she butcher the title but when her and her friend got in line her friend asked her what the book was about, seeing that she was going to spend 20 bucks on it. The lady replied 'it's about, um, this, story, where....just read the inside flap it'll let you know there". It's a little disheartening for a book lover and avid reader like myself to hear comments so dense.



Anyway, when I do come across someone who actually loves reading I will take the extra time to talk about my own favorite titles. I will suggest authors who express the same narrative content and then geek out about new and old titles alike. It's a hit or miss sometimes. You either relate to said book nerd or they thank you politely in order to continue shopping. When it's a miss, I don't really care but when I get a hit, I feel like I've contributed my knowledge of literature for once.



Most of the people I help however are teens and kids because I think they feel most comfortable approaching me. I look young, I am usually very bubbly and hell making eye contact with them isn't difficult. And I love engaging in conversation with them. I mean most of the teens and kids in this town are snotty rich twats, but when i come across a nerdy outcast who wants to read White Fang, I want to smother the nerd with love. 'read away' I want to yell, "it will get better"



A couple of months ago I was approached by a very morose child with long blond hair and blue eyes who wanted to be shown where the teen section was. She sort of lingered about at customer service for awhile before telling me that she needed help finding a book. At first I was a little annoyed by her. She kind of came out of no where and then demanded help (despite a line) but because she looked to be about 11 or 12 I decided to help her first. I don't like keeping kids waiting.



When we arrived to the kids department I turned to walk away when she said 'oh, I've read this book and this book and this book. there is nothing good in this section anymore'. She frowned and then brushed the hair out of her face with annoyance. I decided to give the girl a shot, so I asked her what she was into reading. Of course she replied 'everything' as if it was a bad thing.



I spent the next 30 minutes throwing books at her. She told me she was 12 (age will be a very important factor later) and that she 'finished books quickly'. I skipped the classics and went directly into reads I found interesting. Sort of dark (like her), negative utopia (it's never to early) and some nerd classics. She told me that her dad worked across the street and he'd given her his credit card to buy whatever she wanted. She then pulled out the gold card and placed it on top of the books she was set on buying and headed to the register.



When I returned to customer service Kat, who witnessed our exchange, said 'you two were uber cute talking about books in the teen department. I think you may have made a friend'.



Six weeks later while i was goofing around at customer service I caught the sight of blond hair from the corner of my eye. When I turned it was the girl again waiting patiently for me. And only me. She was with her mom this time and couldn't stay long but wanted to tell me she liked that books that I recommended. She said it so little infliction I thought she was poking fun. Then she walked away and I didn't see her again for another month. This time around she popped up in the children's department where I was working and said 'i bet you don't remember me' but by then the very daria isque child with blond hair was imprinted in my memories.



'No. I remember you. You read books about Death and liked a couple of things I recommended. How's it going?'



"Good, I guess" She said shrugging her shoulders. She didn't say much after that. Something about school and Fairy Tales. But then she was gone.



It has been this way for months. I run into her unexpectedly. She asks me if I remember her, I remind her that I do and then we exchange short sentences. She is odd and a little weird but she keeps seeking me out in the store. And for some reason I like helping her.



This all came to a startling revelation two weeks ago when I was approached by Molly, finally a name, while I was at the cash register. She wasn't buying anything but decided to cut in line to hang out near my register. She wanted me to know that she was interested in Greek Mythology now and if I knew of any books she could read. I got some very evil glares from customers in line due to her cutting (luckily there were two cashiers up there) but decided to talk about stories I liked from Greek Myths. She got very excited, as excited as her face allows, and I pointed her towards the mythology section. A half hour later Molly and her mom (who i met once before) came up to the register with the book i recommended.

Her mom, to molly's embarrassment, gushed that I was the girl her daughter talks about. The girl who works at the bookstore and recommends stuff that she actually likes. At this Molly turned red and walked towards the exit while her mom told me about Molly's interest in reading and writing and how I've helped. It was bizarre this whole time I thought this little girl was perhaps coming to me out of convenience, while i rambled endlessly about good books and shit. But in reality she was seeking me out. And I suddenly became very attached to her. Like a kindred spirit.

Because you know what I was Molly once. I was a very lonely, sad kid you escaped into books because I couldn't relate to kids my age. And I sought out people older because I thought they could relate. And in a weird way I have been fueling her nerdom and letting her know it's okay. Even it's through book recommendations. Can you believe it?

I was floored by this revelation. Floored. And wanted to ask Molly about her interest in reading and what she's been getting out of the books I've recommended but she was far to embarrassed to say anything except goodbye. To top it off her mom came in a few days ago to say hi to me. She was going to see a movie upstairs and knew that Molly would kill her if she didn't stop in. I asked her if Molly was always this into reading and writing, and she said this was a new thing. She then told me that Molly wrote a story about Greek Myths for her class which her teacher thought was astounding and original. When I asked her what grade Molly was in, her mom revealed that she just started the fourth or fifth. I can't remember. Turns out Molly is 9, not 12 like she told me when I met her a while ago. Even the fact that she lied to me in the beginning makes me adore her.

I think someone/thing must have sent me a mini blond blue eyed version of myself to take care of. There has got to be a reason she has latched on to me and I to her. I remember when I was her age, I admired a girl who was a few years ahead of me in school. Her name was Erin and I thought she could do no wrong. She skipped class and wrote fake hall passes but she was a Straight A student and was the epitome of....awesome. I thought she understood all the misery I felt then, even though she was popular and pretty. There was something about her, that made me think things would get better. That I could be like her in the future. I never summoned up the courage to talk to her but I admired from a far and when she graduated it was like I'd lost a friend. And it's weird to think I am in a position to provided that same sort of comfort to sad nerdy kids who like to read books that don't have vampires in them.

Le sigh.

Because of my continued interaction with Molly I have decided to apply to some non profit jobs in the city that provide art education programs for kids. I believe in emphasizing the importance of art education in school systems as well as that of science and math. And if I can nurture some sullen kid into an interesting sullen kid who writes stories about Greek Mythology than life won't feel that bad.

It can't.

I Should Have Joined the Peace Corps.

There is a dumb restaurant moving next door to the book store and they have set up a hiring booth right outside the entrance. But after tonight's revelation they should have just asked everyone currently working at the bookstore if they wanted a job because it seems that is the current trend a Le Sad Store.

I just learned that 3 people have decided to apply and subsequently work at the new restaurant next door, opting to take a significant pay cut in order to escape the hell that has become the state Le Sad Store (i sort of like this name for the bookstore. I'm keeping it).

Every since word of this restaurant opening there have been small rumblings that most of the current staff would jump ship and apply next door. Management has drastically changed the atmosphere at work and if you weren't happy before...well this new regime isn't going to help. I guess it's not a huge shock. When people aren't threatening to quit and walk out on the spot they are complaining about everything.

I've done it too. Last week I couldn't even hold back my frustrations. I was pissy and sour faced and I don't even know how I got my stupid (and small) raise seeing how miserable I've been the last few weeks. And I guess it's sort of weird to realize that everyone else is in the same rut but that they are doing something about it.

I refuse however to go from one retail job to another. That I will not do. I honestly do not see the benefit of one day selling books to hoping I get great tips at the end of the night from gross teenagers. AND i have a weird thing about foods and the smell some emit, so working at a restaurant is not going to cut it. But damn it all to hell if I am not in a rut. Damn it all to hell if a part of me is a little freaked out that these people are at least leaving Le Sad Store while I still apply to jobs that are nonexistent.

And I can't help but feel as if being here has just been one big mistake. That two years have come and gone in a blur and I have yet to achieve anything or make waves. And I wonder if I am really working hard at making things better? So yeah I won't work at a freaking chicken shack (no offense to anyone who does) but am a really making the most of my time here?

I just feel so aimless and without direction. And I have no idea what to do or where to go with all this....scared energy.

It's late. Maybe it's the sleep talking. Or the nerves.

Did You Know....

a customer sort of asked me to hang out with him this weekend? Let me explain.

When I'm not cursing my life and spending my days off watching Netflix, I am trying to stay afloat here. Grad school applications loom, jobs must be applied to and I have to get up everyday from either sleep or a long nap to hold down the fort at the bookstore. God I am going to look back on these days fondly when I am older.

I had a really disastrous weekend of self loathing and depression. I barely got of bed and finding the will to put clothes on was difficult. The weather is a lot cooler these days but I am taking this grey skies, rainy day thing to the max. At this point if I could wear sweats to work life would be perfect.

Anyway, on Saturday I was heading to the kids department I was stopped by a regular customer who wanted to say hello.

'I haven't seen you in a while' weird dude begins as I try to attach a name to his very unfamiliar face. Then I remember that I helped him like 8 months ago when he came into the store wanting to find books on speed reading. He was really sweaty and frantic and sort of creeped me out for reason I could only attribute to his interest in speed reading (I can't even begin to ask why someone would spend money on a book about how to read books quickly. It seems pointless and a waste of money) but regardless, I spent about 15 minutes going over my own reading prowess and giving techniques on how to read quickly.

Needless to say the few times I have seen him since that day, we have exchanged friendly but insignificant 'hey, how are you doing' and kept it moving. So I was taken aback when he said that he hadn't seen me in a while because that would mean that my absence was noticed by said complete stranger.

I was about to say "hey, how's it doing" when he interrupted my internal dialogue and asked me what I was up to these days. I leaned against a shelf and said that I was still working at the bookstore (obviously) and studying for the GRE. He said that he'd taken it some years back and still had some study aids if I needed them.

I thought this was weird, because that would mean we would have to cross paths again for me to get the GRE book and for me to return them. But GRE books are expensive and I figured if he had some old books lying around he could leave them with one of my co-workers for me to retrieve later.

Of course at this point of the conversation I should have realised that customer who i vaguely remembered from forever ago was engaging in conversation outside of customer-bookseller relations. He was establishing familiarity in order to get to know me outside of my dumb name tag. But I didn't, so i continued to ask him questions to deter talking about myself in turn fanning interest to creepy but friendly customer.

He said he'd taken some time off due to 'depression related things' and that he was now working as a pharmacist in town. I didn't mention any of my anxiety related trauma's but instead asked if he was feeling any better because depression is a hard thing.

"do you live in town" he interjected after a while, to which I of course replied "yeah, a few blocks away"

Our conversation went on for another ten minutes where I talked about Latin (don't ask) and he inquired about my interest outside of work. Then we sort of filtered about and he asked if there was a way for him to contact me if and when I ever wanted to hang out outside of work, of course.

Jesus.

Like a very dumb naive girl I said 'that'd be cool' and then proceeded to give him my phone number for which he called and sent a text message soon after.

He's a nice guy... I suppose, outside of his potential of drowning me in his problems, but I have no interest in getting to know him. My first impression was of a very needy, lonely guy looking to be taken care of by a naive lonely girl. And sometimes I feel bad about my immediate judgement and dismissal of boys because I am 24 and I would love to date, but the dating world is bizarre. People my age use to term 'hooking up' in reference to things that don't involve 'hooking up for coffee and such'. What is expected out of people in their 20's relationships wise is terrifying to me because of my inexperience and furthermore romantic ideas about relationships. Sure, he could just be a guy looking to meet a new friend. Or he could be a guy looking to casually date. But I am not a girl who can just met a guy and then go out on a date with him. Just can't.

When I was 13, the show Roswell premiered on the WB. I was freaking obsessed with this teen drama about an alien, named Max who falls in love with a human named Liz Parker. After saving her from a gunshot wound to the stomach, the two fall in love while trying to keep Max; along with his sister and best friend Isobel and Michael, alien secret from authorities. Yes, it was hella campy. Yes, there were better things on tv but I was in love with this show. I wanted to be Liz Parker, who unlike Bella Swan (because that sounds like a real name), was this smart resourceful heroine protecting her man.

And Max, oh Max played by the dreamy Jason Behr, was of course your handsome tragic hero, torn between protecting an important secret and finding love. Anyway, in the first episode after revealing his secret to Liz he goes to her in the dead of night to make sure that she won't go to the police and put him and his family in danger( because his sister and 'sort of brother' aliens are worried that Liz will tell everyone what she knows).

Instead of reminding her that she is the only one who knows his secret and that telling anyone will destroy everything, he confesses, in one of the most beautiful scenes ever, that he has loved Liz Parker from a far his whole entire life and that he risked everything because of her. And she in return, through a series of telepathic flashes ( i know, it's a stretch but bear with me) is able to see how much Max has loved her and how beautiful she through his eyes.

When I was 13 this is what I thought relationships were. Complicated? Yes. Flawed? Of Course. But sort of all encompassing and romantic and vulnerable. I mean it was weird for once watching a guy express vulnerability to a girl who had no clue what was going on. And in a way, like 13 year old me, I have spent my whole life waiting to feel some sort of romantic nirvana by OK guys I've casually dated but by one dude...My Dude. To not be swept of said feet but to be spiral into something that I cannot explain but that feels right.

And when I talk to guys my age, I secretly am holding my breath for that moment I feel a spark which propels me into a connection I will never come back from. That propels me to follow through with requests to be available and vulnerable to him. And I say this only because I have sort of felt that way before. I have had immediate attractions and connections with guys that not so much consume my thoughts but that force me to step outside of my own fears for once. And outside of Simon I have not had that sort of magical, I want to melt into you feeling for a while.

And I feel stupid for writing this. I feel stupid and naive and like such a girl but I am still holding out for my Max Evans (or Simon). I am still holding out for my dude, because I feel like when I meet him I will know that he is what I've been looking for. And vice versa naturally.

Such a girl I've turned out to be. Blah.

Anyway, I need to shut this guy down immediately. Not only is he not my type but he is a customer and as Jenn said that night, you give people your number because you want them to keep in touch with you. So I may have sent him a wrong vibe. I didn't answer his text 'what are you doing this weekend' but I assume I will get a few more but he figures I am writing him off.

Yeah. Another quasi adult thing I don't know how to deal with yet.

Attitude Adjustment

oh boy are things rough.


In the past few days I have gone from being depressed about things to miserable about things. Being miserable is not a step up in the mood department because at least with depression (well, sort of) I get to wallow by myself and no one gets to bear the weight of my 'sadness'. But with misery you can't help but get other people involved because it doesn't have any merit if people can't see how much you hate something.


I am past the point of hating my job. I dread going to work and can't even attempt to care about being there. With the recent change in management the team morale is down. There is no sense of, dare i say, community. While I enjoy goofing around with my co-workers from time to time and discussing inappropriate topics at customer service, the honeymoon period has come and gone and we have some how zoomed right to the grumpy old 'we've been married too long' phase.

It doesn't help that Kat is mourning the death, excuse me, the exit of Evan from the store as if he has....well died. He didn't get fired or even quit, he is simply doing what every other wealthy kid who wants to experience the world does....a survival isque tour in South America for 3 months. Yes, some people have enough money to buy their way into enlightenment. He went on leave two weeks ago from the store but had a huge bar hopping party last weekend to say goodbye to everyone. This week she came back to work complaining about how sad she feels and that things just aren't the same anymore. I been putting distance between us due to this. She is way more dramatic than what I am use to and I won't know what to do when she finds some other guy to latch herself on emotionally as I roll my eyes. I just cant.



And now freaking employee evaluations are coming up and I dread having to sit in front of Evil Manager as she reviews my performance. I have a huge problem with this lady. So huge that most nights I am blatantly insubordinate to her because I don't like her. I don't know why she is even giving out the evaluations when she has only been there 8 months.

Jenn, girl who partook in Nerd Day Extravaganza, had her employee evaluation where Evil Manager said she had an 'attitude problem'. WTF?! Way to build confidence in your employee. Great Job. Jenn then, maybe out of spite or because she really doesn't need this job (last year in college, a part time teaching gig in the city, application to the peace corps looming) put in her two weeks notice.

If Jenn has an attitude problem than I am going to get slaughtered on my employee evaluation. They know I can't stand being there any longer, and I am so beyond just having an attitude problem.