SAG Awards

There's nothing like a good old award show (and kind and uplifting words from K and her friend C) to pull me out of my funkness.



general observations from my bed on award night:



-Angelina Jolie sure does look pregnant

-I'm a little over Juno and Ellen Page already. We get it, it's darling. She's darling. The whole damn movie is darling.

-Ryan Gosling was rocking that grey suit.

-I hope i look as good as _______,________, ______ when i get that age

-I hope i don't look as bad as Ashley Tisdale when i get that...wait we are the same age. "What happened to your face?"

-Javier. You're so pretty. Marry me.

Damn i love award shows.

I've had a lot of time to think over a lot of things ( and have come to some pretty profound conclusion in the process, which of course i have to write about.). I'm lucky that i have a therapist who lets me ramble for however long I want to before the the session is over. I talk so much sometimes i feel like i am hosting a show on my life, and he is my only audience member.

I told him i was going crazy. That i was being my generally anxious self again except at a much higher level. I told him that sometimes i resist change so much that i succeed in having everything remain the same, so i could linger for a while. I told him that i was scared, that i feel unprepared, that sometimes it's easier to just be nothing then to try to be somebody. But that i want to be somebody so much I'm having to get over my fear and except change as a part of the process. It's easier to give up, i told him, to settle for mediocre so that the fall, if i happen to fail, won't hurt as bad. I don't know if i can do it, I admitted. I don't know if i can suffer the fall which comes along with whatever changes that will and are coming in my life.

"But you haven't?" Is all he said "Why do you think that is?"

And it's because no matter how low i get, i always fight my way back to the surface. And when i do emerge, it is with a clarity of the present situation and with more determination to figure out all the insanity that going on inside my head.

That's pretty much where i am at right now. Not as suffocating as i thought it would be.

Now back to daydreaming about Javier Bardem.

The Sea Inside.

I once read a book about madness and it's different forms. I was walking around the library as usual, taking an on the clock break and eating cereal when the title "She's out of her mind" caught my eye.

I have a thing for walking around the aisles until something a title looks like something i might read. Though working at the library isn't particularly my idea of a fun time, it is where i can get all my thinking done. And has been a bit of a comfort this last week.

It's so quiet there. The beginning of the semester means that we see more books being brought back then we do students. And for the time being i find solace in that.

As i was walking down the short story aisle i stumbled on a book on madness written by female authors who experienced some lapse in their emotional state at one time or another. It was pretty interesting because despite the word madness there is nothing particularly angry about it.

Whether it be anxiety or emotionally prone it is something that doesn't render you mad just..on the verge of falling apart. I cannot even begin to explain last week or understand well enough to write about. It's like i was this functioning human being who wanted nothing more than to throw in the towel and give it all up.

It was the scariest feeling i have ever felt in my whole entire life. I felt like i was going "mad". I felt like i was falling apart but the pieces were disconnecting faster than i could catch them I wish i had some better understanding of it other than "i was on the verge of going mad". But that is what it felt like at the time. Maybe it was a panic attack? I don't know but in the last couple of days i have been trying to understand it and sort of hope that i never get to that place again.

And i figured out that all kind of comes down to this: I am afraid of change. I've always been afraid of change. And yet at some pivotal point in my life where change is coming more quickly than i'd like.

I blame change for everything. For my unhappiness, for my anxiety and after last week i blame it for what i'll call my first real panic attack. It was easier growing up and being able to place all the sudden changes in my life on family and friends. "The Great Move" was a huge in my life and that was all my mom's doing...and she got the brunt of my resistance towards it.

Going to college , meeting or not meeting friends, my anxiety...i blame that shit on unnecessary changes caused by no other than other people.

However what i have come to learn is that not only am i horrible at adapting to change but i don't have the faith in myself to believe that i can completely adjust to it without failing in some way. Or falling apart as change around me happens.

It seems to be every where friends, work, school, family, pets, and even on this blog. There is

change a brewing and all i can seem to think "i'm not ready for it quite yet. Let me linger here for a while until i figure it all out"

In a few months i will be graduating school, i will be venturing out on my own and any highs and/or lows that will occur in my life rest on me. It's a time when the safety net is slowly being removed from under me, when the training wheels have too come off, and when that first push off the high bars determine how I will land.

And i guess apart thinks that without those safety precautions i am going to hurt myself. Not only will i fail but i will end up with a scratched knee, a bruised ego, and no more heart to continue...trying.

I wonder if you can go mad from just not knowing. I don't really know what i want to do after college ( just that writing is involved), i don't know where i want to live (anywhere but here), i don't know anything. And i slowly sinking in not knowing what i feel like i am suppose to know. I am sinking in the turbulent change that i know is occurring around and within.

I don't exactly feel like i did last week. But my head is still somewhere my body is miles from reaching. I feel like the pieces of my once congruent self are all floating atop a vast sea before me. And the further the individual pieces drift out to sea the harder i know it will be for them to come together so i can have the mobility to swim inland.

For now floating isn't so bad. The current isn't strong and the water is warm. But i don't know when a storm will come and completely knock all the pieces so far away from one another, that they will just become lost out there.

Suite Mates.

In between my nervous breakdown, i ran into my suite mate last night.

Not having a roommate is wicked awesome. I get to do whatever i want in my room whenever i want without someone crowding my space. It's awesome.

In the dorm i live in now i share a bathroom with the people who live in the room next door. When I moved in, i immediately introduced myself to the person i would be sharing the bathroom with. I didn't want her to walk into the bathroom one day and see some shit in there that wasn't hers.

Her name was Heath (yes. Like Heathcliff) and she was to a degree she was nice. I mean i dicd knockon her door she was taking a nap. My bad. I didn't have to many run ins with her however throughout the rest of the semester. She kept the bathroom kind of clean, she was kind of loud, but other than that i didn't say much to her.

During the middle of the semester however, her single dorm became a double when some girl moved in. Just like Heath, i didn't really see or talk that much either. It was so hard to decipher between whether it was a friend coming out of her room or her roommate.

When i came back to school on Sunday, i noticed that every thing that Heath put in the bathroom had been removed. She had this huge blue plastic dresser, hair products and other such things that were suddenly gone. Plus the bathroom was the cleanest i had seen it since i moved in. At first i was like...YES!! I get a bathroom all by myself. No more random toilet flushing or people talking on the crapper. Just me. Yeah.

But on Tuesday, i heard the door open to the bathroom. It opened slowly and then closed real quickly and then opened again. I thought i was hearing a ghost or something because i was sure that Heath had moved.

So last night around 8:30 when i was watching American Idol (only the audition episodes) i heard a knock on my door and a quiet voice that said hello.

I was right in assuming that Heath had moved out, but i was wrong in assuming that the other roommate wasn't there either. Because she still was. I don't know how to explain the next two hours of my life. After we introduced ourselves it was as if we formed some weird friendship standing in the bathroom. She came in my room, i went into hers and we even talked in our adjoining bathroom.

For two hours we talked about our majors, and having a single room, addhd (which she claims she has), sleep disorders, anxiety, hot professors...I mean it was the weirdest thing ever. We forged some insane connection in the matter of minutes. She's weird and shy, and entirely too smart for her own good. She's like me. I kept trying to end the conversation (not because i wanted to but it was getting late) only to be deterred into another one. When it was all over and done, and i closed my door i had this "what the hell just happened".

It was weird. People shouldn't get along that well when they first meet should they? But we did.

I said i could help her with English (because she sucks at it) and she said she would help me with math (even though she's about a semester too late).

Weird encounter. Yes. But pleasant. HMMM.

Sanity Drive...

It was kind of refreshing to hear someone else say they were going insane today. Of course it was said by someone at work and her sunny disposition did not convince me that she was going insane at all ...but it was still nice.

I think my body is trying to tell me something. Maybe that's why i am not feeling like myself. I feel just overwhelmed like everything is moving too fast and i am barely hanging on.

My mom tells this merry-go-round story all the time for a laugh. It's that small things that make me giggle and she knows her merry-go-round story always does the trick. If you ever been to Playland (amusement in Rye New York) there is really cool carousel in the center of the park.

We went as a family when me and my brother were pretty young and my mom really wanted to go on Merry-go-round. After a long day at the park she wanted a calm ride on some fake horses with corny music playing in the background. Unfortunately this wasn't your normal sort of Carousel. Instead it was super fast one intended for people looking for a rush, which she didn't know till she got on it.

While me and brother watched from the sidelines we were kind of wondering why the horses were going so fast. It was just a blur as the horses sped up, and after a while all we heard was our mom yelling.

When she got off the ride she looked pretty rough and we headed home. Only later did she tell us that she was gripping the horse so tightly because she was falling off. Someone had to help her off the ride since she was glued to the horse when it stopped.

That's pretty much how i feel now, like i am holding on to the reins of a very fast horse and i'm kind of waiting for the ride to stop.

of course i should not have discussed my kind of breakdown with my mother last night, who doesn't deal with awkward conversations well.

Mom: How are you doing? Were classes okay?

Me: So far so good. By the way I think i'm going insane

Mom: (long pause) YEAH....well i'll talk to you later get some rest.

If i hadn't stopped her i think she would have hung up the phone. Literally. I could hear her cell phone closing as the words came out of my mouth.

My body and my head just feel disconnected and it's mainly because i feel incredibly indecisive...about everything. I feel unprepared to graduate because i feel like pinpointing where my writing interest lie is all over the place. I feel unprepared to move because my anxiety still limits from getting to know people. I just feel unprepared, like i've walked into a class and the teacher has just given a pop quiz. Except this quiz is more like a test. And i did i mention that it's 75% of my grade.

When i say that i need a break...i seriously need one so i can think everything through. So i can figure what i want to do with myself. Based on the sucky short story i submitted for the 2 graduate schools i applied too...i think that's coming in the near future.

I would a love a break. And that is what my body and sanity is telling me. I mean it wouldn't be like a lounge around break, but more a of dabble here and there in screenwriting workshops, get an apartment and job that pays a little more than library does. Travel. Something.

And i don't think I'm listening to my body. And that's why it's shutting down and i feel like i am going crazy.

I just hope that i take a breather so i don't completely go down hill.

Happiness wrapped in a hula hoop

One of the few things that makes me smile these days.

My future husband with a hula hoop. I'm in love all over again.

Lose Myself.

I think I'm losing my mind...literally.

I was lying in bed yesterday, under the covers at 2 in the morning staring at the white sheets before me. I was still working on my grad school short story and had called it a night, after a frustrating hour of writing. My head was pounding. It was as if my mind had suddenly become that weird white room with cushy walls. And the person that use to me was locked inside and hitting the walls with all her might to get out. Then this thought came to me while the image of the white walls clouded my vision: "I'm going in insane" is all i could say. It was as simple as that soon followed by tears.

I don't know who i am anymore. Applying to grad school, and trying to graduate from this school, and thinking about how the hell i am going to pay for anything has just drowned me lately. I don't even feel like i am above surface anymore, i just feel like i am drowning and the weights on my legs just keep pulling me further and further down until eventually i will suffocate.

I feel all this pressure to be someone and i think it's due to the misconceptions i have about myself. What does success mean for me? What will make me happy? If this is my path why am so self conscious on it? It's pretty difficult trying to graduate and figure out what i want to do with my life all at once. My mind and body are simply disconnected as of late and I'm going crazy. i can feel it. I don't know what going crazy is completely like for i have never done it before...but something tells me that i am losing grip.

I have slipped and fallen down a very dark hole. And the girl i once knew is lost.

Ready. Set. Go.

Classes start tomorrow. Blah.

Though dorms opened on Monday, i saw no need to come back as soon the doors open. I didn't mind lingering around the house for another week and watching endless hours of tv. I got some reading and writing done, but lets be honest my Christmas holiday was spent lounging around to the sounds of my cats purring and Cnn. The high life i tell you.

Leaving wasn't as refreshing as it usually is. I actually dreaded coming back to school. I am so sick of school i think it is exuding from my skin. I minus well wear a bumper sticker saying "get me the hell out of here, i am drowning in academics". No not even a bumper a sticker, i need to make a t-shirt for my frustrations.

One more semester to go and I'm hanging on a thread. 6 classes, 2 summer classes and then i am free. FREE.

Free to do what? I don't know yet. But free nonetheless

YEAH!!!!!