Sanity Drive...

It was kind of refreshing to hear someone else say they were going insane today. Of course it was said by someone at work and her sunny disposition did not convince me that she was going insane at all ...but it was still nice.

I think my body is trying to tell me something. Maybe that's why i am not feeling like myself. I feel just overwhelmed like everything is moving too fast and i am barely hanging on.

My mom tells this merry-go-round story all the time for a laugh. It's that small things that make me giggle and she knows her merry-go-round story always does the trick. If you ever been to Playland (amusement in Rye New York) there is really cool carousel in the center of the park.

We went as a family when me and my brother were pretty young and my mom really wanted to go on Merry-go-round. After a long day at the park she wanted a calm ride on some fake horses with corny music playing in the background. Unfortunately this wasn't your normal sort of Carousel. Instead it was super fast one intended for people looking for a rush, which she didn't know till she got on it.

While me and brother watched from the sidelines we were kind of wondering why the horses were going so fast. It was just a blur as the horses sped up, and after a while all we heard was our mom yelling.

When she got off the ride she looked pretty rough and we headed home. Only later did she tell us that she was gripping the horse so tightly because she was falling off. Someone had to help her off the ride since she was glued to the horse when it stopped.

That's pretty much how i feel now, like i am holding on to the reins of a very fast horse and i'm kind of waiting for the ride to stop.

of course i should not have discussed my kind of breakdown with my mother last night, who doesn't deal with awkward conversations well.

Mom: How are you doing? Were classes okay?

Me: So far so good. By the way I think i'm going insane

Mom: (long pause) YEAH....well i'll talk to you later get some rest.

If i hadn't stopped her i think she would have hung up the phone. Literally. I could hear her cell phone closing as the words came out of my mouth.

My body and my head just feel disconnected and it's mainly because i feel incredibly indecisive...about everything. I feel unprepared to graduate because i feel like pinpointing where my writing interest lie is all over the place. I feel unprepared to move because my anxiety still limits from getting to know people. I just feel unprepared, like i've walked into a class and the teacher has just given a pop quiz. Except this quiz is more like a test. And i did i mention that it's 75% of my grade.

When i say that i need a break...i seriously need one so i can think everything through. So i can figure what i want to do with myself. Based on the sucky short story i submitted for the 2 graduate schools i applied too...i think that's coming in the near future.

I would a love a break. And that is what my body and sanity is telling me. I mean it wouldn't be like a lounge around break, but more a of dabble here and there in screenwriting workshops, get an apartment and job that pays a little more than library does. Travel. Something.

And i don't think I'm listening to my body. And that's why it's shutting down and i feel like i am going crazy.

I just hope that i take a breather so i don't completely go down hill.