Lose Myself.

I think I'm losing my mind...literally.

I was lying in bed yesterday, under the covers at 2 in the morning staring at the white sheets before me. I was still working on my grad school short story and had called it a night, after a frustrating hour of writing. My head was pounding. It was as if my mind had suddenly become that weird white room with cushy walls. And the person that use to me was locked inside and hitting the walls with all her might to get out. Then this thought came to me while the image of the white walls clouded my vision: "I'm going in insane" is all i could say. It was as simple as that soon followed by tears.

I don't know who i am anymore. Applying to grad school, and trying to graduate from this school, and thinking about how the hell i am going to pay for anything has just drowned me lately. I don't even feel like i am above surface anymore, i just feel like i am drowning and the weights on my legs just keep pulling me further and further down until eventually i will suffocate.

I feel all this pressure to be someone and i think it's due to the misconceptions i have about myself. What does success mean for me? What will make me happy? If this is my path why am so self conscious on it? It's pretty difficult trying to graduate and figure out what i want to do with my life all at once. My mind and body are simply disconnected as of late and I'm going crazy. i can feel it. I don't know what going crazy is completely like for i have never done it before...but something tells me that i am losing grip.

I have slipped and fallen down a very dark hole. And the girl i once knew is lost.