Futile Devices

I finally told Matt I am not interested in hanging out anymore and as expected he is not taking it well.

For the 4th week in a row he has hounded me about hanging out on the weekends to the point where I finally had to shut down the possibility of us ever doing so in that capacity again. It's so funny that he wants to resume our Sunday hangouts but keeps insinuating that it's just to help me out because I hate Sundays.


I do not dread Sundays. Like any normal person I tend to get the Sunday Blues right before bed because I don't wish to start another work week. But I love my Sundays. We are homies.

Of course this is just another example of Matt not being truthful about his intentions. And i mean this wholeheartedly. I am a person who is ruled by feelings so I understand how objective feelings are. But intentions are more clear cut and Matt has yet to decide what he wants from me.

Instead of saying that he wants to start hanging out again because he misses me or my home or even that he is bored and lonely on Sundays....he has tried to gaslight me into thinking I am the one begging to hang out. As if he is doing me some huge favor by coming over for 12 hours watching my tv and playing my PS4 while i count down the hours until he leaves.

His texts range from "let me know when you want to hang on Sunday so I can help you with your story" to "If we don't hang out soon i'm going to be too busy with my other summer plans" to my favorite "i'm just trying to do you a solid since you don't have as many friends as i do".

 Last Thursday, after i cancelled on him again, he wanted to know if I was available to hang out after work because there were cops in his apartment complex and he thought it would be fun for us to watch from across the street "You could stand by and watch as I interact with the cops. You could be my sidekick. "

LE FUCKING SIGH.

This boy is relentless, bothersome and a tab bit daft. When I told him I was going to spend the Fourth of July with [redacted] and his family he joked that it was probably a Get Out sort of situation and that I was only invited so they could "steal my sweet black genes".  It was this comment alone that cancelled any tentative plans with Matt the following weekend.

The only reason I want to remain on good terms with Matt  is because I know now that there is a mature way to remove yourself from a toxic relationship. In the past I have completely shut down and fled in fear instead of communicating and this has only resulted in bad blood. Because Matt and I have mutual friends in common I don't want to isolate myself from them just because of him. I don't believe Matt is a bad guy, he is just another person who was hurt once or twice and hasn't learned yet that you can grow from those experiences. Instead he is a jaded man child who can often be condescending and demeaning because of his feelings of inadequacy.

I will no longer internalize Matt's attempts to devalue me in order for him to value himself.  I literally heard this gem of advice from Instagram of all places and it just stuck with me. Matt knew he did not deserve my kindness or affection or even love so he went out of his way to dehumanize and devalue me once he recognized he had so little to offer.

I have spent the last few months hanging out with friends, enjoying my personal time and finding comfort in the life I have created for myself. I feel spoiled by all the incredible small moments that have taken place in such a sort time and none of it has been a result of having Matt in my life. So why should I continue to let him hijack a smidgen of my happiness because he won't be honest with his intention. His texts leave me feeling anxious and cranky and the idea of having him in my apartment again fills me with dread.

On Monday he asked again to hang out, this time attributing it to his "super busy schedule". He implied that if I didn't solidify hanging out the next few Sundays, he would be too busy with  awesome summer activities to squeeze me in. I must reiterate that I have not expressed a desire to hang out with Matt since February either in person or via text. I have never gone out of my way to ask him to Netflix and Chill since the disaster that was Valentines Day and after he forgot my birthday. And even prior to those disasters, hanging out on Sunday was an idea HE came up with and that I only agreed to because i thought he liked me.

I was okay before Matt came along and I will be okay long after him. I am beyond annoyed (and a little insulted) that he keeps insinuating that he is doing me some big favor by hanging out. Especially since he is the one that is so eager to come back around. So...I finally told him the truth. Or at least my very nice version of it. I said that I was okay not hanging out anymore. That I am equally busy with summer and [redacted] and that I wanted to devote as much time as I could to my happiness. I wished him a happy summer and that I was appreciated the few times we hung out but am no longer in  position to hang out like we used to.

I could have been nastier. I could have told him that the way he talked down to me was the main reason we will no longer hang out. But i'm really in a great place these days (despite my lapse in anxiety and dread every once in a while..i'm human ya'll) and it's not worth it. Matt's not worth it. Of course he sent me a snarky reply shortly after, followed by your classic guilt trip and then threats to not talk to me anymore. It is what is.

I feel so much lighter and happier now that it's over. I am learning so much about what I want from a partner and also what I have to offer as one that anything less than that seems like a waste of time which is so precious to me. Putting myself first for ONCE is such an eye-opening, humbling and euphoric feeling. I wish i had done it sooner.

The Week Ahead

On top of world falling apart at the seams, Matt is trying to creep back into my life as if he is feeding off my general malaise and despair these days.

A few weeks ago we both attended a mutual birthday for a friend. I was not surprised that Matt was going to be there because this boy will show up to any and all invitations and he is super close to my friend and his wife. Of course,I didn't want Matt's presence at the party to stop me from going. Why should I have to hand over all of my friends because of him. We weren't dating. No one in our small circle even knew we were hanging out so in theory we should be able to be at the same gathering today without any issue.

Should.

I have a longer more detailed entry about that night which I may publish eventually. I feel weird writing when I am so stressed by the world but I will find a balance. I have to. What I will say is that the night was another comedy of errors where Matt was trying to establish a connection again when no one was looking but the moment we were around other people he pretended as if he didn't know me. Classic.

Since then he has been blowing up my phone NONSTOP. It is consistent, annoying texts asking if we can start hanging out on Sunday's again. I do not want to hang out with this boy. Perhaps he realizes how much he misses Sundays at my house. The companionship and the conversation and the free food. Maybe he misses how I helped him with his attempt at writing a series of detective novels. How i gave him pointers and made the story better for him by fleshing his ideas out more.Whatever the case the boy definitely wants back in and is being too aggressive about it.

Matt is completely unable to conceptualize  that something is not the same between us. Even at the party he didn't ask  why i deleted him from FB, instead he asked me if I was taking a break from social media. Instead of wondering why I hadn't texted him back in 6 weeks...he wrote me an email and asked if there was something wrong with my phone. Instead of saying he missed hanging out with me, he said i'd struggle with the Sunday Blues without him and that he would  do me a solid by hanging out with me again on Sunday to help.

In his mind there is nothing he could have done that would cause this huge cosmic shift in our relationship.Absolutely nothing and perhaps I blocked him to see if he would put two and two together.I didn't do it because I wanted him to come groveling back at me. I wanted him to recognize something was wrong, take ownership of it and then make attempts to fix it.  He hasn't. He won't. Though I am a person who love words, I believe actions are stronger. And with Matt his words and his actions are shit.

I've been going over Tim's house every Tuesday for Wine and Pizza. When i get to his house he'll have a blanket on the couch for me ("because your feet get cold") , a bottle of chilled wine waiting for me ("I don't understand why you drink it chilled but i put yours in the fridge they way you like it) and pizza already ordered or in some cases waiting for us when we get to his house. He is perhaps the most considerate man i've ever meet who makes every attempt to make sure you are your most comfortable. And idk, there is just something about a friend who listens and pays attention and then applies that knowledge to good use that is.....necessary for me. 

It is how I express love and affection, so receiving it back for the first time is quite eye opening. Showing someone you care is more important to me than trying to have the right words. Matt has neither. He is full of knowledge but he is not kind or considerate. I should have known this when his words turned against me. When he kept telling me I wasn't good enough or tall enough or Indian enough or sexual enough or aggressive enough. I should have known when he mocked my desire to have kids and a husband and a few pets. But i think i was waiting for his actions to make up for his words and they never did. He forgot my birthday, ditched me on Valentine's Day, disrespected me in my apartment and watched me cry and do nothing.

But now he wants to come back into my life and suck all the energy I have left and I can't allow this to happen. I just can't. I have no interest in hanging out with Matt anymore. Not after everything. And I feel so cold and dismissive saying this but after everything Matt has said and done I shouldn't care what Matt thinks of me. On Friday though, I felt pushed into a corner by him and agreed to hang out so he would stop asking me. I felt worn down by his guilt and pressure.

"My sundays are free again. and you said you weren't doing anything the Sunday after the 4th of July so i don't understand why we can't hang out". So i agreed to and now I have to back out of this ASAP. I am trying to figure out why I attract these men. What vibe I am giving off that makes me so susceptible to these soul sucking men who are wearing me down. I think I am kind and compassionate which is often viewed as a weakness instead of incredible strength.

I plan on texting him today and telling him the truth. That i don't want to hang out next weekend or the weekend after that or the weekends that follow. I want to do it in a way that isn't rude or abrasive but just honest. I'm sure Matt is going to be the right guy for some girl but that girl is not me. I'm sure Matt is a decent friend but he is not one to me. So I have to just lead by both my actions and words this time around and be as up front with him so I don't end up in the same spot we were in a few months ago. Where I give and he takes until there is nothing left.