If I ever write a memoir, it will be called "I Have No Idea What the Fuck I'm Doing and Other Misadventures". The chapters will be filled with my slapstick attempts to manage day to day life stuff, along with a few anecdotes on how at 31 I still have no idea what i am fucking doing. At all.

So, last Friday Blue wanted to hang out at my house and despite the super short notice I was game to have him over because I am eagerly awaiting some serious form of necking to occur between us. Spoiler alert:it didn't. Though I am happy that the last few weeks with Blue has been exceptional and fun and super friendly, I have a tendency of wondering why all of this is happening in the first place.Why did he reach out to me of all people? Is he just interested in being just friends? Or more? Am I only interested in being friends?  Or more? I just don't know.

It's not that I am getting mixed signals from Blue, it's that I am getting no signals at all. There is neither hot-blooded advances or out-right "naw, fam we are just friend". There is instead this feeling that he is creating a list (as am I) of whether this is something worth pursing. If he wants to walk down this path that we can't decide later on to turn back from. A few weeks ago, he invited me to his place and I was all but convinced it was so he could make a move on me. Spoiler alert: he didn't.  And it wasn't like there were moments that could have lead to something more, because there were, but we both at the moment are kind of friend-zoning each other for reasons I am not quite sure of.

I like Blue a lot. We have so much in common and he's constantly texting and talking and seeing each other. A week has not gone by without seeing this boy...and yet, there is nothing...romantic unfolding. We talk and talk and talk which is fine but i can't imagine a 30 year old, attractive, friendly and single heterosexual guy just wants to re-kindle a bookstore friendship. And if he does...well, why me? To be fair, I was very receptive to his desire to get in touch again and am super excited that we've had a good time the last month but what's supposed to happen next? I keep thinking of what's next.

So when he texted me last Friday and asked to hang out again of course I was game. I got to leave work early that day so I ran back to my apartment, cleaned up and put on something more comfortable. I freshened the hell up, thinking this time the boy would make a move. That we could, if he is game, start this friends-with-benefits arrangement because we seem to talk about and around this subject a lot. But he did not. And of course, I did not. Instead we spent all night talking about sex and politics and sex and travels and then back to sex and then it was midnight so he went home. And I understand all the sex talk may have been his attempt to spell out his interests but there is nothing in his body language that tells me he wants to kiss or touch or do anything really.

He has told me in the past that he feels insecure around women. He has told me that he never knows what he is doing in the romance department. Unfortunately, I am in the same boat, paddling in the same direction and if one of us doesn't man up soon, I feel like we could be venturing into the dreaded zone of platonic admiration. We are seeing each other again on Saturday because I am heading home for Thanksgiving and he wants to see me before I go.  By god if nothings happen, i will have to risk it a bit and be the assertive one or accept this relationship as just a solid friendship. I must repeat, I am not looking for a romantic relationship. Don't get me wrong he is the ideal boyfriend material and I like the shit out of him. But I am not looking for anything serious or long-term. I'm kind of just looking for casual and fun and new, I just wish I knew how to go about achieving that with Blue.

Comedy of Erros

Last  week was a complete and utter dumpster fire and I must admit i am all sorts of exhausted and depleted and disheartened by life these days.

Work continues to kill my soul every single day and there appears to be no relief from this feeling of constant dread. I am having issues with my co-workers and supervisors which has culminated in tension and dare I say "rudeness" from managers. For the most part I like my job and I especially like my pay, but I have never worked in such an unprofessional setting before. Last week, I brought up a work related issue to my supervisor and he told me that things can't be fair for everyone in the office. This is what he said to me. This man has children and is my supervisor. 

In the friend department: my friend Heather is being unusually distant and weird. She only ever asks me to hang out when she needs to run errands which was fine before I had my car. But now, I don't need someone to drive me to the supermarket which is generally where we go. We've been friends since Kindergarten and we tend to go through months where our communication sucks but now that she is sort of my only friend, i feel her absence more.

In the life department: I have had really shitty and unexpected car problems and I had to spend nearly a thousand dollars over a two day period to get my brakes fixed. I also got pulled over for the first time which was frightening and resulted in my first ticket because of a broken headlight (which was later thrown out) . On top of that I'm losing health insurance this year because my current insurer is going out of business and Obamacare is being killed off and I can't afford any of the rising premiums as a result of this. So yea, I continue to be a causality of this administration. I guess Make America Great Again does not apply to this American.

Oh and I like two guys at the same time. I mean if it's possible?  Because I think I do and it feels irresponsible and stupid and immature. And yet on top of everything else that is a dumpster fire right now....i have feelings for two completely different guys. And I have no clue what to do. To be fair I am not sure the feelings from either are reciprocated but it still feels like I am straddling a line that is on fire.

Red (because of his ginger hair) sort of popped up out of nowhere. Everything about my attraction to him is wrong. He's a co-worker, he's a few years younger than me, he can be a little immature and he's the guy that told me that awful story about kicking some chick out of his bed and making her cry. I know...he's a catch. But for some odd reason despite our differences, we get along pretty well and I find myself wanting to be around him all the time.

He invited me to his Halloween party a few weeks ago and despite my concerns, I decided to go. Seeing him outside of work was such a weird experience. I am used to him being loud and super social and just this affable buffoon at work, that I was sort of baffled when I walked into his apartment to his small gathering of friends watching a movie and playing games. He gave me the grand tour of his apartment, which included his bedroom. There were books everywhere, in an organized chaos. Poetry books and Shakespeare and mythology and fairytales. He let me thumb through his collection as he went and grabbed his notebook full of poetry he's written. And for a while, as the party continued in the living room, we sat near each other as he read me his favorite sonnets. 

Since that night, there has been a weird chemistry between us. He is still loud and brash and makes me laugh from the pit of my stomach but then he'll say something tender and i'll think "fuck, I can't like you. I can't like you but i do..." Of course i am keeping any feelings at bay with Red because...well, there is Blue. Sweet Blue.

Blue and I have hung out a few times since our night in Queens. He is an intelligent, funny, sensitive and attentive boy.  His eyes are the color of water and he is always brimming with a thought about life and love. Last Friday I hung out at his apartment for 6 hours.  We ate dinner and vacillated between the living room and his room as we talked about philosophy and desire. It was the perfect evening, except that neither of us made a move. It felt like we were both talking about the big pink elephant in the room and instead of doing something, we did nothing.

I like Blue a lot. and the last month has been such a revelation in a lot of ways. He is an old friend who I only really saw as such when we worked together at the store. I mean don't get me wrong, I always thought he was an attractive guy (his eyes are amazing) but at the time he had a girlfriend (and I was into Sean) and I was mainly friends with him because he was best friends with damn near everyone else in the store. But now that i'm getting to know him outside of our time at the bookstore , and I am...smitten. I am flushed with this longing, i haven't felt in a really long time. I guess i'm just unsure of what he wants out of this or really what I want and I can't read him well.

When he asked to hang out Friday (at his apartment of all places) i was prepared for some advancement in the intimacy department. I am not a person who picks up on innuendos well. I am also not super aggressive when it comes to making the first move. And I know, I should be a little more assertive in the romance department but i can't. I'm still only partially comfortable in my skin and after the Sean fiasco, I am even more hesitant about getting close to a guy.

But I like Blue and for the most part I think he likes me. We text every day and grab dinner at least once a week. He is a gentle gentle boy, who likes when i ask him questions because he is full of answers. His brain is an encyclopedia of knowledge and there is something super attractive about it. I am also very attracted to him physically and mentally. But i honestly don't know what i'm looking for in men. Most of my friends are in relationships or have children. I am single, child-less woman with wavering ideas of my future. I constantly feel on the cusp of figuring out what I want, only to change my mind.

I have not actively sought out any relationships since Sean and honestly sex has never been this overruling factor for me (though i would really really like to have sex soon). But recently i've sort of conceded to the idea of single hood. Not as this permanent life choice but as a status. I am not constantly overwhelmed with the idea of dating and falling in love and having a partner. I am focused on being a congruent, successful, mentally and financially stable woman. Outside of whether I am with someone or not. Of course, I have my moments where I panic and wonder if I would be okay being single forever (the answer is no) but i'm not going to stop being who I am and exceeding in other areas of my life just because i'm not with someone. I just wont.

So with Blue, my first instinct isn't that I want him to be my boyfriend. Not because he isn't great but because i don't want to impose anything on him that could put me into this rose colored glasses sort of mode. My first instinct is that we are both single, both attracted to each other and both looking for something  super casual. Ideally, I would like to date Matt (as in, see him occasionally, hang out, grab dinner) have casual sex with him and take it day by day. I am not thinking long term. I'm thinking "here's a boy, that I already have a familiarity with, who I could maybe hook up with from time to time and idk, see movies every once in a while". And I think, Blue is on the same page. We just haven't really crossed that bridge yet and I am not sure how to do so.

We are hanging out this Friday before my friends wedding and I'm hoping to make some advancements with Blue, even if that means I have to be the assertive. But if i can be honest, with everything else in my life catching on fire, Blue (and maybe to a small extent Red) is a much needed and welcomed distraction from all the other shit.