By the hammer of Thor I got Saturday off and don't have to be at work today until six o'clock today:which in all honesty is sort of like having all of Saturday and Sunday off. Thank gawd.
With all the hanging out, texting friends(why doesn't anyone actually talk on the phone anymore?), trips to the city and spending, what seems to be, all my money around town, having the weekend completely and utterly to myself is....refreshing.
I am struggling to find the balance between the part of me that likes being around people and having a great time and the other part of me that cannot survive without 'alone' time. The part of me that would some days rather stay home, alone ,with my music and books than out and about with people.
It's so weird how all of a sudden the social life has begun to fall into play. I have people who generally want to hang out with me and instead of shrugging them away 'um, no, i have other things to do' I've been trying really hard to put aside my primitive fears of socialization and engage in production and fun interactions with people. I realize that this has a lot to do with feelings of abandonment from Marie. I now completely understand why people rebound so quickly after a long relationship. You want to prove, to yourself/that person, that you were worth the relationship, i.e 'look at all the people lining up to be with me now that you're out of the way'.
The dissolution of Marie friendship has been a lot harder on me than I expected. For the last two months there has been complete silence from her, which is not completely unusual to be honest. We use to go three months without talking to one another in college. I'd get a phone call or text message out of the blue and we'd pick up right where we ended our last conversation. I quickly adjusted to my new role in our friendship post high school; while she flourished in college with her friends, and boyfriend and academic life I settled into my role as the one with not too much going on. The painful shy, anxious friend who would always be there when she decided to resurface and talk.
But after college, our roles sort of leveled out. We are both in our mid 20's, struggling to figure out what we want to do with our lives. She doesn't really speak to anyone from her college years and because I never had a lot of friends in college, we bonded over our shared sense of isolation and yearning to make connections with people. Our friendship, save a few rough patches, has been stronger than ever these last three years. She was the only person, outside of my mother, who I relied on for support and comfort.
But of course, when Marie started hanging out with this new guy from work, I knew that our friendship would suffer because past experience have proven that Marie will ditch me when a boy comes around. I don't even want to bring up the fact that when she started dating in college, she pretty much bailed on our friendship. Her phone conversations were always about him to the point where I had to tell her that she had a tendency of bringing him until all our conversations. What made it worse was that she was convinced her boyfriend and I needed to be friends. When I did go home and visit her on campus, it was never just to hang out with her. There was always this attempt, from her end, to have me hang out with her and her boyfriend which always ended with me feeling sad and isolated.
So while I didn't agree with her hanging out with new married man with two children, and spending all of her weekends with him out and about without his wife around, I was most anxious about this marking the end of our three year post grad friendship. That with this new dude around, my phone buddy and confidant would get all so caught up in the attention of a man to be a friend to me. Because all the signs were pointing to it. We couldn't get through a conversation without her mention his name. "I like him" "but not in that way you know" "he's married, I'm establishing boundaries" "I think I'm just crushing on him out of loneliness and because he's showing me attention"
And two months later my fears have been confirmed. Whether they are now having some torrid affair at work or just hanging out, Marie has disappeared. I've called her phone, sent her texts, tried to reach her via email....and I've gotten no response back. And in doing all of this I have felt like the hapless, pitiful girl pinning for attention from someone who doesn't want her anymore. I mean i have been friends with Marie since I was 12 years old. She is, really, the only link to my middle school and high school past. And as a person who hangs on so tightly to the past, not being her friend anymore feels like a death.
My last attempt to reach her was two weeks ago when me and 'cute boy from work' went to the city. I was anxious and nervous and on the verge of a panic attack and I needed someone to talk to. Boys make me nervous, even friendly ones from work. My first instinct was to call Marie(so she could calm me down or talk me out of it), but as I went to press her number, I realized that she was no longer the person I could reach out to. So I sent her a text, a short one, saying that this would be my last attempt to reach her. That i hoped she was okay and having a fun time wherever she was and that if we never spoke again I wanted to wish her well.
I'm done reaching out to someone who obviously doesn't want to be contacted. And I don't want to be that girl who is letting all these connections with people pass me by due, in part, to loyalty to Marie. I am not saying that she has in any way stopped me from fully becoming friends with people here. But for a while her long distance friendship was enough for me. Sure I still hung with a few people from work, but I was okay turning down invitations because Marie was there, always on the other end, to feed into my fears that the people I was around weren't necessarily the friends I'd envisioned.
But with Marie's absence I realized I may have been wrong. I've had a blast these last few weeks going to museum and having lunch with people. I mean "james franco' and I went to the city and geeked out to camera gear.And Kat and I went to Brooklyn and shopped for brownstones we could never afford on streets with pretty name. And maybe I am reaching out to people but I feel left in the dust and without a friend nearby to talk too but in a way it has helped me put myself out there and interact with people I would have normally shrugged away.
But it still remains difficult for me to not be quiet girl. Because even though people are lovely they are all so exhausting at the same time. I love being around my new found friends and having a good time and making the connections I was unable to do in school but my need for solitude is as important as my need for interactions. And while the last few weeks have been simply amazing (there is something about sitting next to a very cute introspective boy in a pizza shop that I am not able to explain) I feel as if I have had little time to myself. And it is making me anxious.
The activities that keep me sane have fallen to the wayside (reading, writing (especially on this journal and grilled cheese), library trips and tending to my room) and it makes me feel overwhelmed and like I am losing a pivotal part of myself necessary for survival. And after a fun day in Brooklyn I got really (really) sick to the point where I had to call out from work Wednesday. When I am sick I am overly emotional and inconsolable. My thoughts run rampant because mentally I am too tired to keep my irrational thoughts at bay. I was suppose to go to the city with Blue and friends this weekend but plans went downhill fast and I, and pretty much every one excluding Blue, ended up bailing.
I felt bad for not wanting to go. A part of me bailed because I didn't feel well and the other because I wanted to have Saturday to myself. Having to tell Matt this was more complicated than I wanted it to be and it ended with him saying 'well, disappointed doesn't explain how I feel right now'. I felt like I'd let him down because while I want to be the person who can just do things without a second though. And honestly, that is what I have felt the past few weeks, unable to handle what everyone expects from me as a now present Beckett.
And trying to find the balance who I am internally (and introverted, delicate, simple girl) and a the socially present me is more difficult than I thought. I have days where I'd just like to crawl back into the shell where I was the only residence and stay there for a very long time. But then I think about college and how lonely it was in my shell. I remember the nights I spent crying because I wanted to make connections with people and was not strong enough to do so.
On Thursday, I felt very weepy and overwhelmed by the direction my life is taking, which ended with me curled up in a ball in my bed listening to Sufjan Stevens. I'm beginning to think the root of my anxiety has a lot to do with the fact that I am a people pleaser (which is why i use to limited the amount of connections i made with them). I want to fit into a million and one different roles for the people in my life that I sometimes forget the essentials of breathing.
I'm a conflicted, conflicted girl who must find the balance to create a desire for harmony and happiness and never knew i desired. I didn't think it'd be this hard though.
This week, I've decided to spend tend to my introverted needs. I don't think I've been to the library in weeks and would really like to lounge around at home, with my cat, and read a lot of books. And plus with fall just around the corner, I want to bake apple tarts (and other desserts) and decorate (um, clean) my room. I am going to be a little selfish with my time this week, just so i can rejoin the world and my friends again.
Hopefully the awesomeness that was this weekend is an indication of how the rest of my week will go.
