The New Girl.

I've just spent the last hour crying. Good Job, Beckett.

I am sort of overwhelmed with by my life lately. Marie has all but abandoned me, my social life is becoming a complicated web of boys, friends and money spending. And to top it off I am just plain old confused about life in general and what the hell i am supposed to be making of it.

Some days I read through old posts and wonder where the girl, who only three years ago was a basket case of anxiety and isolation, has gone. I can't believe 'she ever existed some days when I read entries about my lack of communication and inability to fit in. I can't get over the fact that there was a time where my nights were spent contemplating my life of solitude and loneliness. Where the small accomplishments of therapy, writing and sleep sustained me.

I look at who I am now, and the life I am leading and I am completely and utterly at a loss. I feel different. Stronger some days, more verbal, less scared maybe even a little braver. I mean, I hung out with the boy who looks like James Franco last Monday. Me, of all people. I couldn't even talk to Art Boy in college and there I was, spur of the moment, in the city with the hottest boy at our store.

We talked about art and life and our goals in the near future. We ate pizza in a small shop nearby and told everyone we ran into that we were NYU students. We sat in a park near union square and then took pictures of cool buildings as the sun came down.

And then, I headed to Brooklyn a few days later, and had a blast buying books and being social with Kat from work. I've put my past jealousy aside and found a friendship in her that is new and refreshing. We spent the whole day pretending like we were Brooklyn locals just hanging about on the weekend. I didn't get home til late in the evening and can honestly say I haven't had that much fun in quite some time.

But I don't think I am balancing a social life with the job hunt and other quarter life worries well. Everything feels so much more external. People are wanting more of my time that I feel like I don't have any moment to myself. I almost got in a near screaming match with a girl from work, who thinks we are the best of friends, because she was insulted I didn't hang out with her on the same day I went to Brooklyn. She literally said 'you aren't really prioritizing your time with friends well, are you?' and I was so freaking offended.

She invited me to watch Wrestling at her house with a mutual friend the same day, and an hour after, I told her I was going to a Book Expo this sunday. I told her I would see how the day went and come over if I had the time. Of course, I was having so much fun, I didn't want to leave early to head to some girls house I don't really like to watch wrestling. So I sent her a text, saying I wouldn't be able to make it, and she (and mutual friend) have been giving me grief all week about. Sulking and Huffing and damn near calling me a "Betrayer".

And I got so freaking upset about it last night because I am not even a huge fan of all these social activities. Sure I am having fun, and making friends, and hanging on to the words that come out of cute boys mouths but People are exhausting. And every time I make an effort to hang out with them I feel depleted and craving a more simple and intimate existence.

I feel like I don't have the time (or sometimes) energy to catch my breath in the silence anymore. I am an suddenly, inexplicably, being pulled in so many direction to the point where I am tearing at the seams. It's as if I am on the precipice of a million and one different outcomes and it is terrifying that I don't know who I eventually want to be or how to find the balance between my introversion in a very extroverted world..

More so, the crying spell has so much to do with me feeling like I am losing grip on who I am as a person. How do you maintain your sense of identity when everyone around you expects things from you? Am I moving so far away from who I was only three years ago? Are the changes in me positive? I just don't know. And tonight, of all nights, I just felt overwhelmed. Like I wish I was that girl again who spent her nights contemplating life with sufjan stevens and lessons from my therapy sessions rather than the one who everyone expects time from.

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and it makes me incredibly anxious and sad tonight.