It's not You, It's Me.

I've been dumped.

Okay I have not in the last two days acquired a boyfriend, and then just been dumped(that would just be tragic).

I have been dumped by a "friend" who really wasn't a friend, but still, it stings a little.

As you know, I have ranting about Kay since last Saturday, and my concerns about the nature of our friendship or lack of for that matter.

Last Monday she couldn't make it to the film club with me, we didn't go shopping like she said we would on Friday, and we didn't go the movies Yesterday as she promised.

This was all after she called me on Tuesday to have lunch with her, called on Thursday to rant about her problems, and then for no reason on Saturday text messaged me this, after inquiring what I was doing on a Saturday Night(studying): "I'm actually at the House(nickname for the place where everything is on Campus) seeing a movie with Kristen and Amy". The two girls we met last week while going to the Amnesty Conference.

HMMM.

Yesterday I had a new fond sense of confidence. After she text messaged me to tell me she was doing the exact thing we were suppose to do with two other people, I had decided that this wasn't the friend for me. And I was going to tell her no when I thought she would call and ask me to the movies.

I have a hard problem with the word 'No". Before I know it, I'm doing something I don't want to do. Which makes it easy for people to take advantage of me and use me. Which may have been the case.

But yesterday, feeling like "I'm going to be 20, I want to be happy, I don't want to keep getting asked out by bums(literal bums)" I was empowered to put my foot down, and tell her that I didn't want to go the movies with her. That I was done being let down by this friendship. But she never called, and my confidence was deflated in realizing that she just doesn't care.

Of course I would have liked to get the last word in. To have finally stuck up for myself and explain that this friendship felt one sided. I was actually prepared for it, to stop doing the "I'll ignore the person until they realize something is wrong" routine, but take the situation in my own hands. But I felt like she was preparing me for my replacement, bailing out at the last moment, her lack of interest, which led to upgrading to new girls who probably have their shit more together.

I once dropped a hand held mirror on the floor, do you think has to do with my seven years of bad luck? Maybe Karma is biting me in the ass. I don't think I've done anything deemed worthy of someone saying "karma is a bitch" to me. But lady luck clearly does not like me.

I refuse to say that I am just an uninteresting person and that is why I do not have any real friends. I refuse to say that maybe I am just not capable of making connections with people. I even refuse to say that I only attract sketchy guys who hang out at Subway. I refuse to give up this fight to make good friends and connections.

I deserve to have a friend who cares about my feelings, who invites me out to the movies when they are 5 minutes away from my dorm, to have a cute interesting boyfriend preferably with an accent(and that includes hot Boston accents), to shed the feeling of being thrown away. To shed the feeling of being the last person chosen on the team.

I feel okay(minus putting up he Gavin picture to make me smile). I feel like I am ready to get out of this rut. I fell like proving everyone wrong. I feel like I have a task at hand, I feel like sticking up a big F you to the hand of fate. And lady luck for that matter. I feel a little scared because I am waving goodbye to my safety zone and welcoming walking beyond the lines that surround my box.

My aunt Karen, has ordered a full fledge "What not to Wear" clothes revamp when I come over her house. I guess baggy pants, and loose fitting rock tees will not make it with me to this transformation. I was reading post secret yesterday and one post mentioned the character Gregor Samsa. About the guy who woke up one day and he was a bug. And I just realized I don't want to wake up everyday and be dissatisfied with my life. I sure as hell don't want to wake up as a Bug.

Maybe if I make this emotional metamorphosis, my skin will be a little tougher for life's brutal TKO's,my life would be a hell of a lot happier, and I would never get myself in a situation where I am replaced. Or chosen. Maybe I can do the choosing for now on.

Maybe.

First step: choosing whether to get a Winona Ryder Girl Interrupted inspired hair cut or a Selma Blair "I really do eat,i'm just naturally skinny" haircut.

Katherine the "not so" Great

What a great way to end this week.

Yesterday as I was walking back to my dorm, getting ready to put on my pj's and chill for the few hours I had before going to psych class, Kay calls me crying hysterically.

Of course, being the generous and caring person I am, I put aside my cherished 3 hours of isolation in my room, which is spent, writing, blogging, watching television, playing the Sims, that sort of thing, and spent it with her.

Crazy Husband is doing, Crazy Husband is doing that, there was some incoherent mumble mixed in with her crying. You know the kind of crying, the crying people try to talk through, but only spit out pieces of sentences.

I told her I would meet her, that we could go get coffee, that I help her sort it out.

This is taking a toll on me. A 19 year old, whose never had a serious relationship, who doesn't take kids to take care of, who still gets confused with what constitutes "white" and "darks" in the laundry. Does that include whites that may have a green frog on them? Is grey a Dark? I'm confused. And some how it is I, along with a whole array of other people, she calls to sort, listen, to her drama.

And I being the constant caregiver run to her aid. I feel it is because I am reminded of my mother, I am reminded of how I couldn't help her when I was younger, and my dad was the #1 terror, and how she had no one to turn to. How she had no one to lean on, and in a way I feel like I am just so involved in Kays drama, because I feel like I am making it up to my mother, that as a 3 year old I didn't have the strength to fight back and protect her, but as an adult I do.

But the difference between my mom, is that my mom was a fighter. She had no fear. She did and does everything for my brother and I. She is the strongest woman I know. Sure sometimes I don't agree with her, and I can become damn near frustrated with her, but she sacrificed for us. And Kay, is just a complaining person.

Of course when I go out to meet her, the tears have dried up, she is as chirpy as ever, and I am dragged to some coffee shop, to talk....Well not about her drama. A friend of Kays named Leah shows up, and I wonder why I am there. Like a fool, I have to the rescue of someone who needs more than I can do for her.

I told me mom about this last night, who laughed at Kays "struggles". She(as my mom puts it) "has a husband ex or not, who is at least paying child support. I never saw a dime from your father, I worked 2 jobs when I was pregnant with you, put up with his insanity(he was pretty crazy back then), and I left in the dead of the night, with two kids, little to no money, and the clothes on our back". Kay on the other hand is living the high life. She in a nice apartment, driving a BMW, has everyone doing what the can for her, and sure her ex-husband me be crazy, but he's present.

My mom once said that some people are meant to come in life, teach you a lesson, and then leave. That everyone you meet has a purpose, short of long termed, you will gave something from them, which will be useful in life. At first, my mom thought Kay was this person. Kay is popular with the people, she has a way of connecting that I have grasped yet, my mom thought she was bringing me out of the shadows I hide in.

Not the case. I seem to be doing more for Kay. This "friendship" seems one sided. Because when I think about it, it isn't Kay I am going to call when I have a bad day. She's not someone I can depend on. And I seem to be teaching her more lessons, then she is teaching me.

When she calls, I basically drop what I am doing, lend a sympathetic ear, and listen. But I do not think it is like that with her.

When we were having lunch, Kay of course went on talking about my weird quirks(not eating in front of people, my theory that going to bathroom in groups in weird. I don't want to hear 7 other people peeing, and such), which then of course was analyzed, and I was diagnosed OCD. WTF. Just because I like to get to class early to get my favorite seat, does not make me OCD. I just like the small things. Then Leah asked Kay if she wanted to go the movies later that night and then to a party. I always think it is weird to ask someone to do something in front of someone who isn't invited. I would wait until the other person left, or I would have called her up. Anyway. Kay agreed to go, and we went on to talking. I later mentioned that I was that I had to go, because I had class in 20 minutes.

Kay: It's not like you will be late
Me: I like being on time
Leah: Are you sure you don't have OCD
Me: Clinically I do not have OCD. (read a book)
Kay: I'll call you tonight
Me: I may be doing something(nothing really)
Kay: No you won't, you never do anything. I should make you go to this party.
Me: I rather not go Primetime is coming on at 10

And then I leave. So I'm not into "that" stuff, but honestly, I'm looking for something more. I'm looking for something more than attending a party with 50 self centered "artsy" people, I'm looking for more than being someone's Dr. Phil advice giver.

I want to be able to go to someone and talk to when I am having a bad day, 2-3 best friends who will watch old school 80's flicks with me, and someone I can learn something from. Where it is more 50/50 instead of 90/10. As my mom puts it, it's as if my time is being revolved around hers. And my time is important. And it shouldn't be diminished.

So today I have been pretty much dragging around. I got a horrible grade on my English essay, so I went to go talk to the GA(graduate assistant), who told me the same thing I have been hearing over and over again "you make grand sweeping statements, in a more creative writing way, but when it comes to writing a critical essay...Not so good. I am not finding the balance. In my writing, in my life, in general.

My Bio and Genetics professor said the most profound thing about balance yesterday, which was surprising cause he's kind of ditzy and because he was talking about DNA.

"There has to be a balance between stability and change, or we would not as organism be able to evolve. There cannot be too much of either or problems could arise"

I drew a star by this statement, drew a smiley face near it, circled it. I was impressed. I wanted to pat him on the back, and say "you may have just pinpointed my problems".

With my critical essay, my history paper, school, boys, friends, happiness. There is no balance. They are either stable qualities of my life, or changes that I am to frightened to make. And it's all about finding the balance. Somewhere there has to be a happy medium.

Anyway. It's just something for me to think about.

I saw Mike walking down the street again. We smile at each other as if we know a secret no one else does. I hate that I wished we still had a lot of classes together. I hate that I can't find the words to say "we should hang out, go get subway, I'll even eat in front of you( he hates that I won't eat in front of him)" Instead we talk shortly and leave each other, wanting to say more, but not having the time to do so.

And in more shocking BDay news. I have been harboring a butt load of money in my bank account. About 2 weeks ago my mom deposited money into my account. She said she put it there, cause I was good at holding money, and it would be money we would use to have fun in NYC. It's the most money I've seen in my whole entire existence, which isn't saying much because more than 200 dollars is a lot to me. Anyway, yesterday my mom and I had another iPod talk. Before I get off the phone with her, I always go "and don't forget the iPod" a little Pavlov's psych for you.

But today she calls me, and says "Happy Early Birthday". WHAT? It appears that that large sum of money in my back account I have been drooling over...IS ALL MINE. OMG!!!

I have no idea what to do with it. The possibilities are endless. I could get my iPod and a digital camera, and have enough for clothes, and more. I've been staring it all day. I have been pondering what to do with it all day.

And the first thing I did with my money...Was by my mom a birthday gift. Generally the first idea that popped in my head was what I could buy for my brother and mom.

I'm learning, from Kay and others, that money can't buy everything.

I'd rather just spend the money, and day with the people I love. Instead of anything else.

but.

I am getting an iPod. And maybe a digital camera. It is my bday after all.

One more week until NYC and my visit to MoMa.

Bedridden

Yep...That's right...The bed is my new home.

My mom, has threatened me that if i do not get better, i will be mailed pictures of NYC while i'm on break. At home. Instead of there with her.

Of course she was kidding( i hope) but in all honesty i have to get better, or i can't go.

With my Aunt's new baby, going to her house with who knows what illness is probably not the safest thing to do.

So this is where i lay. A cloudy day, an episode of Unsolved Mysteries, and a stuffed frog i have not named yet by my side.

It's the best day ever, i wish there was always an excuse to lay in bed...and do nothing.

If i didn't have all this studying to do, it would be damn near perfect.

Next wednesday the Surgeon General of who knows what is coming to our school, so i will spend an hour of my Bday, learning about Health Care. Oh yeah.

But I made Kays oldest son promise he would make me a mix tape.

Nothing better than a mix tape of teenagers music .

I hope there isn't any Good Charlotte, or it's going in the nearest garbage can.

Damn there was just a soup commerical on TV and now i desperatley want some.

Two more days of this and i will be as good as new. I hope.

Time to sleep.

I'm not a fighter....

But I have reached my limit with the Pre-med club and Amanda because I was about to punch her in the face today.

I have always been a non confrontational person. Even with the roommate blow up, I left the room before anything could happen. I was a practicing Buddhist in high school, so I'm all peace, and love, and flower power.

Which is surprising seeing that as a toddler on the playground, I fought with the other kids. I even, as my mom remembers, pushed a girl because she was on my swing. I am reformed from my diaper days, and pretty much see no need to fight with people.

But verbal disagreements are another story.

My best friend and I in the 6th grade, were in the orchestra. And the older members of the orchestra were pretty shitty to us. We were younger, kind of green, and a little annoying. There was one boy named Diego. He was the biggest asshole ever. He made fun of all of our instruments, he talked about us in front of faces, and criticized our playing. We despised him. But we never said anything to him until a recital. My friend has recently seen Romie(?) and Michelle's high school reunion. And she was hell bent on telling him how she felt like they had in the movie, but at the last moment she chickened out. So she asked me if I would do it...And I walked up to him, with her close behind, and spoke my feelings. In front of like 7 people, who clapped, after my verbal spat with him. It was the most amazing feeling ever, and a little bizarre seeing that basically my friend was whispering what I should say. But he never messed with us again, and it was probably the first time I had done something so...Brave.

This pre-med club, is comlplete BULL. I forked over 90 dollars to Amanda after she had rudely addressed me, and then today as I met Kay for lunch, so she could complain about crazy husband, we ran into her at the Pre-professional building. As soon as she sees me she is all "you have to sign a paper" bull, and goes on to tell me that I have to pay some 15 dollar members fee. Because Kay only had about 20 minutes until her next class, we were basically heading out the door, I vowing to sign it later, when she was like

Mandy: Actually I need you to do this...NOW!

I almost smacked her.

So I turn back to her with a "don't think your shit don't stink" smile and ask "what's the big deal with me paying it now."

MAndy: Did you pay the membership fee
Me: I don't remember(actually I didn't pay it, because well I could buy a CD for 15 dollars, I could buy 15 songs for 15 dollars, I could buy a book, I had already given 90 dollars just to go on the damn trip and now you want me to give you more money.)
Mandy: What do you mean you don't know
Me; I remember going to a site, just don't remember if I paid or not I have to check my receipts.
Kay: She keeps all her receipts, I'm sure she'll be able to tell you if she paid or not.
Mandy: You should have signed up to be treasurer(she grabs my arm, which has been covered in small sores because of my potential scarlet fever)
Me: I'll pay it today( pulling my arm back)
Mandy: If you don't pay it , you could ruin the whole trip for all of us, and then none of us would be able to go because of you.
Me: F*CK YOU(okay I didn't say it, but I damn near wanted to)

When we walked out Kay says she wasn't sure why Amanda had gotten such a nasty tone with me. I went on to say " Insert your own babble of curse words". What the hell is wrong with that girl, and every other living soul in that club. If it wasn't for this trip I would have a) asked for my 90 dollars back b) then beat her with the 90 dollars.

This club is complete crap and I don't and won't spend the next 2 years being put through hell and being treated like I have just universally become some girls emotional punching bag. I mean if she wasn't like 5'9 and 300 pounds I think I could take her.

Seriously.

Cause apparently me not paying 15 dollars is going to bring the whole organization down. Give me a break.

I don't know why I have just attracted the most "negative" people in my life. Ever since we moved here I have dealt with just crazy insane people. From stalkerish friends, to boys I'd rather not see, to teachers who were just creepy in their own right.

I use to remember how normal my life was. I had good friends, many possible boys who would become crushes, and I didn't have all this unwanted drama(that's not even mine). I feel like I'm being punished, like whoever is running the strings, has something out for me. I have royally pissed him, her or it off, and now I must suffer.

Or kick someone's ass. I don't know.

And then in trying to figure out Kays true intentions as a friend I have just become exhausted with dealing with people am still feeling a little duped by her. With my recent sickness crisis, and hoping that I will get better before Spring Break and my Birthday, I have been sleeping like a cat. I nap wherever I am at. I have like the chills or something, and am in desperate need for someone to take care of me. I would just hire a really hot dude, who could make me chicken soup, and clean my room also, while I lay in bed, and hope this illness passes me by quickly. But instead, I do not have that hot man nurse to take care of me, so I have been pretty much been sleeping, making soup, and trying to finish all my homework before I pass out for 12 hours.

But in being a good friend, I go when I am needed . So I headed to listen to the daily problems of Katherine. Which is why I crawled out of bed, mid nap, put on a sweater and huddled my way down to the building to meet her, only to have to wait 15 minutes while she relayed her problems to the head of the pre-professional office. Of course when I mentioned that I was pretty sick, and not feeling well, and wondering why I had been dragged out of sleep, that was soon discarded and we went about discussing her business.

What the hell

A week from tomorrow I will be 20. And it is almost certain that I will spend it, like I've always spent it. And still all I have in these almost 20 years is nothing to show for. I have no good friends, a shitty school, an unbalanced social life, and possibly Scarlet Fever. And yet...I have not given up. For some reason the words of my father ring through my ears "I just want you to be happy" remain with me, and as I approach this new phase in life. A new age, a new everything...I'm realizing that I have to find what makes me happy, and then fight for it(instead of trying to fight tall girls with a significant weight advantage over me).

I have managed to fight for the external things I want. I fought for this room, I fight for good grades, I fought to get into UPitt, but when it comes to internal aspects of my life, I seem to not fight as hard. I seem to just let things be as they are. I settle. I don't make a splash, I let it pass me by.

But dammit if life is about living for what makes you happy, then why not fight for that. Why not fight for good friends, for a boyfriend who is semi-crazy, for a hot man nurse to serve me chicken soup(okay that's a stretch, but still).Because these shitty filled days, of shitty filled people, is like a sickness, one that doesn't seem to wane with time.

I have to write a dialogue between two characters from Romeo and Juliet or/and The Gospels for English. I decided to write a dialogue between god and Juliet. For some reason Romeo meant a lot to her. And I just always wondered what someone(Juliet) would say if there love was taken away. My dialogue though based on her love for Romeo seems more rooted in why her happiness was taken away, and her not excepting that it was fate.

I guess subconsciously I am trying to tell myself something. But dealing with all these people, I'm starting to get the message. You either choose life or life chooses you. You either choose your friends or people choose you. I don't want to put my life up in fates hand. I could end up like Juliet, or Paris Hilton. Or Mike Tyson.

I just want to be happy, and live a good . I can't wait till the day that happens. I'm kind of ready to start fighting for it.

"You have this strange effect on me...

...And I like it."

That song from that Cingular commerical has been driving me crazy. But it is appropriate for today.

I deleted the portion of my entry yesterday about "British Boy", because I thought he and my feelings toward him deserved more digging into.

AS I mentioned. I discovered on Saturday that "British Boy" is not really British. Shot heard around the world. He is actually South African. WHO KNEW? Green eyes, brown hairs, didn't see it coming. But that only makes him like 1000 times more interesting. I have never met anyone from South Africa. He is like 10x more interesting, and mysterious, and full of stories about his life, that I want to know about. And he's that "if he wasn't so awkward, he would be really hot" boys.

Lets be honest. I don't go for the obvious ones. The other guy on the trip was Josh. And he was a typical attractive guy. He had like black hair, and an amazing face. But I think what I didn't like about him was that he was aware of his hotness, so he expected girls to be drawn to him. I ignored him the whole trip for that main reason. I wasn't going to feed into his ego.

There was this boy I used to talk to in high school. We were in the same law class, and we talked everyday, and yadda yadda yadda. He was one of the "attractive one's" and he was also a musician. One day he came in talking about he was signing up for the talent show, and he wanted me to come. I was like "alright" then he was like "you should make a sign for me, and it should be huge, so I can have my own section of girls holding a sign for me" I never talked to him again.

Anyway. I never know how to go about talking to boys. Sure it seems easy to just say "go up to him", but I have that thing in the back of my head, like I can't find anything to say, and that I don't want to give off a wrong impression. But because Kay talks a lot, on the way to the college, South African boys name came up.

The two in the back instantly went "HE IS SO WEIRD!" and started laughing. My heart sunk. They had went on a previous trip with him, and were also the secretaries of the club, so they had more time with him than I have.

Here's the list of some interesting facts.

1) he skips tiles when he walks. I was watching. And he was like skipping two at a time, that he lost his balance a few times.
2) don't say anything negative about South Africa cause he will flip. Mention S.Africa and he will flip. Oh..And don't say he's British, cause I assume he will flip
3) he is pretty cheap. So cheap that instead of buying food at the hotel(on a previous trip) or just going to McDonald's, he hoarded these free little entrees in his mouth. And the we went to the Chinese restaurant and he basically sat(like me) without food, but(unlike me) later picked off of some girls plate.
4) he went all Tom Cruise when Josh said he had ADD and was taking prescription drugs.
5) he laughs when he's nervous. For no reason. At all.
6) He does this thing with his head. Like he's cracking his neck. Except he did like 12 times
7) He goes home EVERY weekend. EVERY weekend
8) Oh he said "who needs friends, they mean nothing to me"
9) And as far as they say he has no interest in a girlfriend. Not because he doesn't like girls. But just cause he has no interest in him . They are discardable.

I was thinking the whole day yesterday that sure it is great that he has this mysterious and exotic past, and his lights up when he talks about home, and sure he can speak 3 languages, and he is extremely attractive, and as Kbryna has mentioned, has the green eye factor. GREEN EYES. But is he too crazy for me....Am I barking up the wrong crazy tree. You should have seen him talking about Sex Trafficking with Kay. I didn't know if he was going to cry or smack her. He was turning so red, I keep glancing back and forth, and waiting to duck at any moment that he's crazy ass decided to smack us or something, just because of his frustrations with the world.

But there is something about his crazy ass that I like. I mean hearing those negative things about him in the car, where pretty much a downer. Hearing that he is acts like a 13 year old because of his awkward social behavior, even more of a downer. How do 13 year olds act? But it makes him not so normal, though Art boy is amazing, I realized how normal he is. But this kid, he's more awkward then me. Surprising. And that makes him like uncharted territory...which is exciting.

But there's something about him, maybe it's because he can speak 3 languages, maybe it's because he's South African, maybe it's because of his dedication to the CAUSE. But whatever it is, his effect has irked my curiosity.

So how do two awkwardly social people talk to each other?

How do you approach someone, who doesn't approach you or for that fact doesn't want to be approached? Where do you locate such boy on a weekday? Who is probably hiding in his room right now.

I make him nervous. He giggled( yes people, giggled, it was not a laugh. It was awkward, hugh pitch giggle) everytime I passed him. Which could be a) a good thing b) a bad thing.

This whole crush could be an absolute disaster. But either way, I feel it is my duty to see how crazy this guy is. Obviously I am not looking for someone who doesn't want a girlfriend, who may be bad at expressing his feelings, who is socially inept. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME. In other words. Because that would just be awful. I kind of need someone to be like "I like you" if we are dating. I don't want to assume that I know his feelings, he kind of has to tell me. I need the cards to be on the table. So I know where I stand, and that I am important in his life

But.

He's a challenge. If anything, I would like to be the girl who snagged his friendship or admiration...Whatever. I see that he a hard shell, which is in turn interrupted as weird(though the skipping tiles thing was kind of weird), so well see how this goes with GREAT_____

I have to approach him with caution though, he talked to Kay easily, but I didn't say anything to him that whole day(mainly cause I thought he was going to smack somebody). How do you approach a scared person? What do you talk about? If he goes all Tom Cruise on me though, I may have to get all "medical doctor" on him. Maybe my new fond Uganda cause will spark some interest?

I can't test the "theory of how to snag a introvert" right now. Art Boys club is tonight. Which kind of sucks because I think.....

I'm getting sick.

Not to change the subject drastically, but I have this weird feeling like I am getting Scarlet Fever. I've had it before, and because I am a freak about getting sick, I have been doing some research, and it ain't looking so good.

Apparently scarlet fever is a sickness that is caused by my lack of immunity towards certain toxins. Like when we lived in New Rochelle, behind the place that was burning cars. I had scarlet fever for two weeks. It's like chicken pox, minus well the chicken pox. It looks like chicken pox but is compounded with a fever, sore throat. yadda yadda yadda.

With the recent tearing down of that damn building across the street, I don't know what the hell is in the air. And the small rash on my arm(you can barely notice it, unless you are well...A weird biology girl), is not a great comforter to my looming worries.

So I've been under the weather for like the past week. And yesterday I was damn right miserable + the Kay thing. Today I feel a little better, but I have to take it easy for the next two weeks, so I can go home for Spring Break. I slept for 4 hours today, and my throat hurts.

So hopefully Art Boy won't decide to fall in love with me tonight, as I struggle to stay awake. And not pass out during whatever movie he is showing tonight.

DAMN FEVER.

*Postscript* Kay can't make it to Movie Club, and seeing that it is cold as hell outside and i don't feel like walking. At all, plans are cancelled. Other than me not being able to see his face. I'm not that disappointed. I don't want my second impression to be my passing out in front of him. I can go to sleep now. THANK GOD.

Disconnected.

I have slightly recovered from my anxiety attack last night. Thank you all for your support. I honestly don't mean to vent out my late night frustrations. But writing always been my outlet, and sometimes i can't seem to sugarcoat my feelings. So sorry about my sometimes all consuming lows.

I of course woke up this morning calling my mom, and telling her my feelings from this kind of okay weekend until the last four hours . I feel a lot better now, like my mind is all sorted out.

So here's the story.

Amnesty International. What can I say about it.

A group of passive aggressive people, who spent more time saying sorry for bumping into chairs than pinpointing a plan of action for all these problems in the world

Okay so that was a little harsh. Here's how it went.

Surprisingly waking up at 4am wasn't that bad. Kay had informed me that we would be driving two other girls in her car, which meant I had to attempt to socialize, which recently been that hard. I have been chatting it up with people in my class, making aquaintesses, and not feeling so lonely. We went to the dorm were we had all planned to meet, and set off for our trip.

There was two cars. Josh, the driver(a really hott guy who knows he's hott, so you kind of hate him. Ignored him simply to bust his ego. Cocky guys are assholes). Great_____, who uses phrases like " I will contact you" instead "call you", Jane(she's as simple as her name. But really pretty in that earthy way) and Bike Girl( I don't remember her name, she talks like she's high, like there are pauses in his words for days)

And then in the other car was me, Kay, Amy, Laurie/Christie(I can't remember which one it is)

It wasn't that bad, the car drive their was fun, we talked about our lives, and music, and movies we have or have not seen. The girls were instantly drawn to Kay, and even though I too joined into the "girl talk" I noticed that most of the questions were asked about Kay. I pretty much noticed throughout the whole day that I felt talked at, and not to. I felt like I would say something and then the group would go quiet. I some how felt odd, in a group full of odd people.

[I just deleted about 4 paragraphs worth of British Boy material and insight, I felt he was too interesting to just mention and then continue on...so more on him later. He's a interesting character and needs his own post.SERIOUSLY]

The conference went...Okay. I'm more of a Che girl, which means when you tell me there is a problem in Ethiopia the last thing I want to do is write a letter, I want to get on a plane to Ethiopia, and solve it. No passive shit here. But that's all I heard. They were all like "write your congressman if you want to help" in small squeaky voices. I was like are you serious. Che didn't only write his congressman, Joan of Arc didn't write her congressman, What the hell. Lets get out there and fight. Not sit around and hope something will change with a few letters. Or that Bono will save us all, or that wearing a few stupid bracelet with ONE on it will mean something. WTF.

But then Dr. "I don't know how to spell his name" talked. He was from Uganda and talked about child soldiers, and I was like "that's the cause I want to be apart of ". He was amazing. South African Boy, was also very drawn into it. Mid 7th head crack I could tell it struck a cord with him too. I wonder if anyone will fly me to Uganda.

We left at around 4. But we didn't realize that the drive was four hours long until heading to the campus. So we were ready for the long drive back. On the way there me and Kay had rode in the front seats, but Kay wasn't feeling like driving back so Amy said that she would.

I don't know how to explain it. There was a shift. It was like the accumulation of not feeling apart of the group came all together. Kay has this way of just talking to anybody, about anything. Even though she is almost 16 years older than us, she just conveys her audience, and hooks them. And sitting in the back, trying to join in on the conversation I felt that I was not invited in. Though I had attempted all day.

I had spent the majority of the day, kind of pushed out of the group. And now it was like "yep, you are not of us." They talked about school, and their sorority, mentioning that "Kay" would love it. "she" could come join. Only afterwards when they remembered they hadn't mentioned me they were like "even Beckett could join". Once that happened I pretty much disconnected. I had felt that my attempt at being social had failed, and that even now amongst a group of people I should feel most accepted by, I wasn't.

It's like a blackout...Disconnection that is. My mind because blinded by any sort of interaction after that. Once I had felt that I pretty much was the other girl in the car, I didn't care to listen anymore, I reverted back into my shell, I stared out the window. I tried to prevent the tears from falling. I think after they realized that they had mentioned going out to theaters and movies, and coffee shops together, but had excluded to include me in that, they made an attempt to pull me back in. But by then they had lost me, by then I had already accepted that I just wasn't apart of the group.

And what's even more horrible is because Kay talks to like everyone. So that everyone is one the same playing ground. Like when she calls me and talks about the troubles with her soon to be ex-husband , or how she is feeling down, I assume she is doing it because I am her friend. And you tell these things to friends, right? But in the car, she basically told them everything about her problems too. Like the things I thought she was confining in me. And I felt like she wasn't telling me all this stuff before cause I was a friend, but because i was just there, and she had about five other people to call. She had told them some stuff, I had never heard, and I felt like I had been...Used. And discared. And replaced.

And I think that is what crushed me during the ride home. In trying to make friends, and feeling like I had one in Kay, I think it's weird to tell what I assumed where private things to people you've just met(blog doesn't count). I noticed a while back that Kay has a way of using people. When I was in her English class last year I didn't like her at all. She has a way of making "friends" with people who benefit her attempts at getting into Med school. She said she liked me because I was Focused, that I was a hardworker, and assumed that is why we were friends. And that when she text messages me or calls me and talks on the phone for like an hour about how her husband is ruining her life, that she is confining in me because I am a friend, and that she values it so much that she can tell me such private things, and invite me into her home with her family.

But in the car, it was like "She just called me last night about this, nearly crying about that, and now she is confining in two strangers". I've been to her house, and met her kids, and now she is inviting them to do all this. Like how can you established a friendship with someone who has no real definition of it. Like I tell my friends personal aspects of my life, and I invite my friends into my house to meet my mom and brother. Because I figure they are the people I am close enough to invite into my life, and by doing the small thing like meeting my family, I am letting them know that they mean more to me, than some of my other friends.

But I felt insignificant. Like the whole day, I had felt invisible, and then I was in car, feeling like I had been used. That my whole purpose in her life is to keep her motivated. Like I wasted time, helping her study, and going to her house, just so when she needs me to help her with that Bio exam, I will be there. I feel utterly used.

And I realized how horrible that feels. Because I have felt it so many times. In essence I feel it everyday. That that's the itch I can't shake. So upon leaving the car, and almost bolting upstairs to my dorm, I could do nothing else but cry.

And I don't know the next steps to take to reconnect. Not just to people, but to life.

But I am not a quitter.

After explaining my frustrations to my mom and making sure that my "understanding" of friendship was clear. I'm not feeling so horrible anymore. I'm defining my relationships, and sure friends have other friends, but there are levels of friendships(well these were stranger, so apparently she just likes telling her life story to ANYBODY). Those that you just talk to whenever you see them, those you share your true self with...yadda yadda yadda. But Kay doesn't have those lines. And because of that you never know your role or value as a friend. And right now, I'm not looking to be anyone's "driving force"

I'm not looking to be used and then discarded when she finally gets a replacement(or accepted into Med school).I'm looking for a friend. I want and deserve a good friend. And my tears were a result of realizing that she may not be the friend that I thought I had in her, because the wool was pulled over my eyes.

I've noticed that the my eyes have been covered lately with dark paper, and though it's painful to see the truth, it's worth it. Because you get stronger with each minor(though it seemed major last night, as I typed my entry) setback. I have seem how much I have grown, and how much more growing I have to do. But life is about lessons(as my mom puts it) and I have to be willing to learn from them.

I guess it's time to start scratching that itch. So I don't linger to long. I have spent the greater park of the day in bed though, avoiding her calls. I just needed to hide today, tomorrow is another day worth fighting for.

Plus I have an Art Boy club to go to.

I'm not feeling so Good Tonight.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

Why i can't do like this normal bonding thing that people do.

Why i can never just feel apart of the group.

Why i am crying at 9:30pm during an episode of SVU: Law and Order.

It's like this feeling i can't explain.

Like maybe there are just things about me that keep people away.

That i am not sure of who i am, so i awkwardly stand alone in the crowd, trying to take notes on how everyone else does it.

How Kay can do it so easily, and be one of the girls in a heartbeat.

While i pretend i'm asleep against the window, and try to prevent myself from crying.

And i wonder what happened to the girl i use to respect.

And that the seven year itch means so much more than growing old with the situation. It's seven years ago that we moved, it's seven birthday's i spent here, it's seven years i have felt utterly alone. It's seven years since i have felt whole.

How in seven years i have instantly become this hybrid of a person i am.

It's seven years of being on the outside looking in, and for once hoping that the feeling would go away. But instead spent wishing i could go back to moment it all changed. Where i went from being this strong, lively, friend-filled 13 year old, to an almost 20 year old who is unsure, insecure, adult.

Who wishes there was a safe place to hide. A hand to guide my misguided one. And for someone to just reassure that i don't have to keep pretending to be so strong, and that i can be weak sometimes. And that is okay to cry. And feel frustrated. And be Angry. And be Sad

Cause thats what the last couple of minutes of intense tear falling has resulted from.

Time to bed, and sleep away this day.

I've Got an Itch.

Damn. Damn.Damn.

I've got an itch.

And all day the Fiona Apple line "I miss that stupid ache" has been playing on repeat in my head.

I thought at 19 I was too young to have gotten the seven year itch.

But sitting in Spanish today, working in groups. I felt it. The unnerving, unreachable, irritating itch.

You know the itch I am talking about. The feeling like there is something else out there. That you have grown to big for the fish bowl, and am hoping there is a pond next door.

When I was younger, after moving around so much, I would say to everyone that I would always stay in one place when I got older. Maybe it was because I had felt the effects of moving and never being able to say "yeah we were in kindergarten together, and are still best friends" that I soon developed this notion, that where I stacked my claim would be where I would stay. FOREVER.

I knew ever since we moved from Westchester that I would ultimately move back to Westchester county or to The Penn area. After leaving Philly and hearing from EVERYBODY that it would just be better to finish my undergraduate studies here, and then go to med school in Philly, NJ, Boston, etc, I figured that it would possibly be the best idea...

And I thought they were right. College is different, it's not like my school high school, and it is bearable for the most part. The semester has been way better than the two previous semesters (kind of). I am making friends, I actually get "Hi, how are you" down the street from people in my class. Life here, has become Bearable. Which is probably why the itch bothers me so much.

I don't want my wants and desires to be on the cusp of just Bearable. Bearable is like okay, blah. And the itch is tearing a whole through bearable.

Maybe it is because I am going home in less 2 weeks. Maybe it's because I am tired of going to class everyday and am ready for Spring Break. Or maybe it's because something deep down in me tells me that I don't settle for blah, that I've never been one to settle, and that I shouldn't start now.

I am slowly realizing that I am A...Wanderer. Yes, I was the child who wore the "kid leash" because I have naturally always wandered off. I wandered so much, I knew my mom's name, address, and phone number by heart when I was three, because it was almost a fact that I would look around and get lost.

I have always been one to test the waters, I am like Goldilocks, it can't be too hot, or too cold, it has to be just right. So I go in search for it.

I have denied my existence as a wanderer instead for a point in my life where things have just become bearable. But man this itch feeling today, I just can't seem to shake. I mean sure I am apart of things now, but I don't feel like I am apart of it all. I feel like I am watching, from the outside looking in. I feel like apart of the team, but not apart of the game.

Contemplation.

I feel like running away. Oh don't worry not in the literal sense of packing up my stuff and leaving. But I feel like running forward, of taking the leap into something greater. I feel like changing schools, moving to Philadelphia, and hoping that the shake will go away. Those few days I was in Philadelphia, I felt at home, which I haven't felt in a long time. I felt at peace, I felt like I belong, and that the city was inviting me to stay. As we drove away, I couldn't help but look back. And now all I can do is look forward.

Because that's what wanderers do....Until the find what is just right.

Cause itches don't do away. You have to scratch sooner or later.

I had to sign up for housing next semester. And of course there are NO SINGLE DORMS. I wasn't surprised though, seeing that five dorms are being torn down, and there would be no way to have single dorms. So I choose to live in a suite. I get my own room. That's good enough for me. Well for now it is, I am still going apartment hunting.

I'm a wanderer who likes her space.

Time to lounge around, and try to sort through the itch. Transferring would be so awesome. It won't leave my mind. I have to also prepare for tomorrows 5 am departure to la la land. I have no idea where I am going. And have to remind myself not to say anything stupid around the British Boy.

He should buy us all coffee. My 7am disposition is okay. But I haven't seen 5am in like 3 years.
If he wasn't so cute.

I hope I'll get to write tomorrow. Which will probably be Sunday at 2am.

The things I sign up to do.

"This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact I can't stop falling out I miss that stupid ache"

*Postscript* British Boy has a name. A kind of stupid name. fill in the blank "Great ______"
I think i'll just call him British boy for now on. Don't parents think of good strong names. What the hell am i talking about my name is Beckett for christ sakes...hey it was going to be Raven. I think i got spared.

Damn you Jane Austen

Conversation last semester in the bookstore.

Me: You have such...boring books in your house
Kay: They aren't boring
Me: It's like a library of literary classics. You won't find any junk books.
Kay: What do you mean
Me: you know trashy, action filled, comedy...the normal garbage that is so good to read.
Kay: I do to have some good action filled book...The Illiad.
Me: [Pause]
kAY: Fine you pick a book for me to read, and i'll pick one for you.

I picked two Ayn Rand Books, Jennifer Government, and Kurt Vonnegut.

Me: okay now what do you think i should read.
Kay: I'm not going to pick you are going to hate it.
Me: No i'm not really;
Kay: What about Jane Austen
Me: Sure why not
Kay: No you'll probably hate it.

And she was right. I am about to throw Pride and Prejudice out the window. Someone save me from this literary nightmare. I can't even get past page 45 without wanting to stomp on the book. Darcy, Elizabeth, Jane they all bore me, and i am comtemplating picking up a magazine and calling it a night. I can't bear it.

Just needed to complain about how utterly boring this book is. Maybe the movie is better. WHY DIDN'T I SEE THE MOVIE. I have like a million pages to go before i finish. DAMN

Fairy Tales

My eyes hurt from my new glasses.

I had to wait until yesterday to receive my glasses in the mail with stronger prescriptions.

So the whole day I have been stumbling across the campus because my eyes are getting adjusted to my non Harry potter glasses, but until then I have a massive migrane and am heading to the bed after Spanish homework and my last attempt at finishing the first volume of Pride and Prejudice.

I intended to write about the concept of fairy tales(one of my favorites being Princess and the Pea ) after Katherine's recent news that she is leaving her husband( for good), and moving to the one of the family housing on campus. But my head hurts to much.

It's sort of shocking, b/c she has been text messaging me all week, about what a crappy week she has had, due to "crazy husband" who apparently screens her calls and other psycho things. CREEPY.

I guess that's what really scares me about marriage, and my negative attitudes towards it, because none of the men or women in my family has remained in a truly stable relationship.

I have only known the concept of a broken home, that when things just can't work out anymore, you run. Why try to fix whats broken.

But I don't believe that, but it's also what draws my pessimistic attitude towards the subject.

It's really why I dislike marriage so much because I assume that eventually things will turn sour, and I will do what I have always known to do...Run away, and repeat the cycle like all the women in my family have. I couldn't imagine see a relationship, which would later result in a marriage, fall apart in front of my eyes. I mean not the kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I mean if I was married and I just saw the growing distance between us grow further.

I liked to believe there was a happily ever after, that the prince got his princess and all was right with the world.

But that's just not the case. When life steps in and gives you no choice but to choose between the fallacy of "Happily Ever After" or the reality that relationships take work, and compromise, and a consensus between the two that you together will make this work.

We are learning in psych the Intimacy vs. Isolation stage that we all will go through in our 20's, 30's, and 40's. And though Katherine is older than me, and has been through more stuff than I could have even read about, she relates to every other person who is stuck in that stage. Of you wanting a relationship, of wanting it to work, that "love can conquer all".

Maybe we all have a fear of being alone. That are inabilities to sustain a relationship is in relation to our character. So we try to make relationships that aren't healthy work, because then at least we won't feel responsible for it's downfall. It won't feel like we have abandoned ship, or worse be abandoneded.

To me a broken marriage is like the abandoned building. The death of a dream, boarded up windows and broken glass. But sometimes those things just can't be repaired ,and the best thing to do is destroy it before you get to attached to it just standing there.

Of course she called me and asked me if I thought this was a good decision. And I don't know. I mean hell yeah I would leave, but I think the real thing with Intimacy vs. Isolation is that we have to define what sort of intimacy we want out of relationships.

Hell I don't even know what I want out of a relationship, whether it be a sort of best friend, a supporter, a person who keeps the sparks flowing, who is spontaneous, or maybe I want someone who inspires me, who I inspire. Maybe if we pinpoint what we want out of intimacy then the isolation won't feel so lonely and we won't have to settle.

So I told her she has to make the choice that makes her happy. Maybe Happily Ever After implies, not that it will be some fairy tale ending, but that the choice you make was yours alone, and the actions following that choice, though it will be bumpy sometimes, is one you can live comfortably with for the rest of your life.Even if it doesn't involve the Happily Ever After you dreamed of.

And stupid ol' me, agreed to help her move. Whenever that is. I hope crazy husband isn't over there when that happens. Some how this whole relationship is making me feel like the little girl who watched my mom and dad's disintergrating marriage, when I was three. It's that whole feeling of helplessness again, and pretending not to be scared when I really was.

Happily Ever After huh?

Maybe I just would want someone who inspires that a Happily Ever After can exist, in it's unconventional sense.

I want a Kilroy (greatest character in a book. EVER. I'll have to explain him later)

I want someone to remind me there are possibilities that make life worth living, beyond love.

Cause the last thing I want to do is have no other choice but to give up on the dream of Happily Ever After, I want it to be defined for me, and him, and are imaginary family.

I just don't think I could pick up and leave anymore, which is probably why I regret saying I would help her move. I've seen and done to many of those in one lifetime.

Now to sleep. My eyes and head hurt. Oh...and if you did not catch Grey's Anatomy this Sunday they are showing it again...tonight. It was the best episode ever, people blowing up, Dr. McDreamy, George...Oh George. I hate how much i love this show.

Finding my Voice...

I did not get a heart shaped box yesterday. I did not got proposed to, or flowers waiting for me as I exited my room. I did get a flower from some club, and a few bump in's with a certain crush...But more than anything this Valentine I got a frog. OH YEAH.

Recently due to my favorite show in the whole entire world, I have been loving the concepts of frogs. The whole idea of transitions, of a new phase, of emerging into something new, or really of just evolving into the person you have become through the years.

Of course this frog gift was given to me by mother, in the box she made my promise I wouldn't open. And to my surprise, after her telling me she couldn't find any frog necklaces, stuck in the bottom of the box was the thing I have been wanting for months.

And while the rest of the girls went all lovey dovey over their boyfriends for giving them flowers, and candy. I got something that only those who know me, would get me. Best gift ever. A necklace of a leaping frog. I guess leaping into the future, away from the past.

I have been thinking a lot (understatement) about my boundaries and how I am establishing them. I guess what I learned from being so frustrated, okay lets admit it, mad about the douches in my pre-med club, was because in some way I felt like I was being attacked.

I kind of don't like being on the defense, as long as I can remember since moving I have been made to prove myself and who I am to the world. It's the most frustrating thing to feel like you have to prove yourself to people when I haven't even proved it to yourself first.

I'm pretty good at putting my cards on the table. Once you get to know me I don't try to make excuses for...I guess my faults. As in not being much of a talker, and my awesome ability of hiding in the background. But I do feel like I am a good person, and a good friend. I give my all to those that I am close with, because I feel comfortable with them in knowing that in knowing that I am not much of a talker, they help me realize that I need to speak up more. But they don't do it in a way that makes me feel bad.

As I mentioned, or maybe have not mentioned, I am learning that my boundaries don't consist on how they function for me, but how they function to the people around me. It's weird, because I like being young and people commenting on my youth( I fooled a lady at IHop who thought I was younger than 19), but then there are some times when I feel like I don't need to be talked to like a child. Which is what they did. Which is what I encounter a lot. I guess the line in the sand has not be defined yet because I have not drawn it.

I had massive a crush on my Speech teacher. He was absolutely gorgeous, he had a flock of teen groupies, who came to his class everyday. He was the Tuxedo mask to my Serena(Sailor Moon). The Jordan Catalano to my Angela Chase(My So Called Life). The Art Boy to well Me. He was one of those artsy farsty type. He taught The Scarlet Letter from the last chapter to the first( I think it was that book), he was a Drama teacher putting on controversial plays, he was like a rebel in our school, because he dared to push past what was safe. And took a risk with me.

I was in his speech class, and would literally not speak unless I had to. He begged to me to speak, bribed me, just wanted me to say something. And I still wouldn't talk. And my admiration and hots for him turned to pretending not to like him. I have a history of doing that. But later on, once I got use to the idea of giving speeches, I became really good at them. So much that he asked me to be apart of his speech team. After asking Marie(who was already apart of the team) to recruit me. I did one competitions, and found out that I didn't like competing at things that I really didn't like doing.

So after my one speech competition and him telling me I had potential, I crushingly had to tell him that I didn't want to be a part of it. Which ended up in the most awkward high school experience ever. I really did like him, and surprisingly he saw the potential in me, and yet I didn't see it in myself. I let the fear of being seen take over me, and I walked up those stairs feeling the weight of the situation, and told him after school that I couldn't be apart of the club anymore(my great running away skills). He took it pretty well, seeing that one of his groupies had already told him, and he was just waiting for me. He told that I had a great voice, if I just let those around me see it. And that I had great potential, and that if I ever changed my mind, the door was always open. Sweet huh

And in turn I said "no, that's okay, but thanks". Not so sweet. Till this day I regret those words. And for the next three years in high school, it was the awkward "hello Beckett" and then me mumbling incoherently while rushing to my class. Before I graduated I wanted to write him a thank you letter. He was not just the older cute English teacher I had a crush on, he was the teacher who had taught me how to speak. But I have to find it within myself to use that.

I look back on the girl I was in high school, and middle school and I see so much growth from me. Which is probably why I get the most offended or feel attacked when my strides at evolving into a more confidant girl is questioned. In a way they are right(though they totally could have taken another approach), and I thought back to the meeting with the speech teacher. I have potential, I have all the pieces, and there are doors open, people who are willing to embrace if I let them. If instead of saying "no, that's okay, but thanks", I said "sure, thanks for taking the risk with me".

Cause I am a risk. There are layers you have to get past first, until you find the core. I haven't even found the core yet, I haven't even reached the place where I can begin to say I know "who" I am, but I am happy with the steps I am taking. That I can look back, and honestly say I am not that girl anymore. Sure I'm kind of that girl, and bad days are still bad days, but I'm feeling a little stronger. I'm feeling like all is possible, like I am heading in the right direction.

Wearing my frog necklace, I feel like I have a whole new sense of myself, and my emerging role in life. I'm a girl with potential who is at cusp of something big. I am the leaping frog. Into a future that is looking brighter with each step. As long as I make that leap that is, as long as I am willing to see the potential, as others do, and welcoming the future that lies before me.

Now back to reading Pride and Prejudice. I feel asleep attempting to read it last night, and am about to opt for Spark Notes for the quiz I have on Friday. I have to finish Volume 1 before Friday, and it's 6 o'clock now. Not looking to good. It's not that the book is boring, just that I rather watch the movie. Wasn't Colin Firth in it. Or maybe that was another British movie. Who knows.

I am just not into reading another love story. Especially now with my uber crush on British Boy( I really don't remember his name, so I have to use nickname for now). I have been to two of his meetings, and am being dragged to this thing Saturday(at 5:30 in the morning) and it's just something about him. Like he doesn't make me nervous, he's so like refined and...BRITISH. And I haven't made a complete fool of myself in front of him, which is always a good thing. Though i do hope he grows to like me Like Mr. Darcy grows to like Elizabeth. I have said more than two words to him, which is always shocking and good. So I don't know, he's so cute. Anyway.

One more thing. My Valentine's day was really great. I wasn't, surprisingly, bitter about not having someone to share it with. I had my frog necklace, candy, and the right attitude. For me, I focused more on how beautiful life is, and how happy I am to be alive, and being apart of it all...And then I saw the best SIGHT EVER.

There is this weird girl in my dorm. She is so awkward, and not in the "oh she's quirky". She giggles down the street, and has conversations with herself, and I thinked skipped once for no reason. I don't know if she is just eccentric or if there should be a sign on her that says "stay far far away" Generally I am interested in the weird girls. And I am nice and smile to her when I see her. But yesterday as I was heading to class, i noticed that she was dressed was like a Hooker.

I mean seriously.

I guess she was trying to snag a date or something. But if anyone has seen the "Turn the Page" song by Metallica, and the hooker in that video, she was dressed just like that. In public.For real. She was wearing these hoop earrings. With these white boats, and short jean acid washed skirt, and a jean jacket. It was trainwreck. So as I am walking behind her Art boy and some other kid comes walking down the sidewalk. As soon as she sees the other kid she was all "hey how you doing" in her" and does this awkward, pushes chest out to him thing. He looked so confused and looked at me, like i knew what was going on. She had on her "I want to get lucky voice" as she said it , i tried to contain my laughter. Luckily as she said that to Other boy, Art boy passed by. I couldn't stop laughing, once I returned to my room. What girls will do to get a date on VDay.

Looking like a hooker isn't one of them for me.

Saratoga Rain Again

Sorry i took it down, i was going to replace it with another post, but i fell asleep mid American Idol. So here's Saratoga Rain...Again. I'll leave it up this time. It's a really great short story. (new post after my subway sanwich)

Saratoga Rain

The wind blew . Rain swept over the roof. Upstairs the man and the women lay close together. He held her in his arms, drowsily, sleepily, head half buried in the covers, the sent of bodies between them. The rain came down.

She said "Ben, i love you." To her thirty years of muddy yesterdays were as yesterday.

He said, "I like you to babe." And all the dice and the tables from Reno to Saratoga were forgotten.

It was early morning. The rain came down. They didin't care. They were together in the darkened room, heads hald buried in the covers. They had each other. They didn't remember now the many cliffs they had to climb nor the lurking tomorrows of marsh and danger.

They would never be Angels and have wings-that they knew for sure. But at the moment they had each other.

That moment, that rainy morning, not even that whole day would last very long. Indeed it might never repeat itself. Things had a way of moving shiftily with each of them, leaving memories, raising scars, and passing on. But they did not choose to remember now the aching loneliness of time, warm in bed as they were, with the rain falling outside.

They did not choose to remember (for her) the stable boy who had been her lover last night, nor the jockey who had been so generous with his money the week before but had fallen yesterday in the steeplechase, lost his mount, and broke his neck.

They did not (for him) choose to remember the swift rattle of crooked dice in the fast fading game at the corner, the recollection of the startled look on the Florida Simpleton's face when he saw his month's pay gone.

For neither of them knew the memory of muddy water in the gutter of life, because on this early August morning the rain feel straight out of the sky-clean.The room is pleasantly dark and warm, the house safe, and though neither of them will ever be angels with wings, at the moment they have each other

"I like you" Ben said

"I love you" she whispered.

Hope everyone had a good Valentines Day.

"Bowl full of Shit"

So I desperately need some advice. DESPERATELY.

As you know, I am in a pre-med club. It isn't one of those huge one's, we are the smaller pre-med clubs which is more like trying to help each other out, rather than the big fancy ones which organize speakers.

I got recruited by Kay, who is on a mission to get more people involved in this club. I mentioned recently that when Kay and the girls we went to the conference with had dinner they questioned how I could get into med school when I barely talked in the club.

Now, I don't get mad often. And by often I pretty much mean I don't let people see when I am upset. Unless you personally attack my integrity, and do so during a club meeting for that matter of fact.

About midway through drawing a smiley face on my hand,Ashley(spoiled one who is a 5th going on 6th year senior) goes on to talk about "members" of the group who don't volunteer and remain quiet and don't participate, and that the can't expect to go to med school if they aren't willing now to make the steps to becoming a doctor than they never will be, and aren't showing the club that they care.

I could have punched her in the face. My converse were aimed squarely at her to kick her in the shin. I mean seriously. This just erupts a whole frenzy of back and forth talk between Ashley and Mandy about "those" members who aren't putting in enough effort.

WTF. They make it seem as if this the club that is going to get me accepted into med school. This club, which has done nothing but take 90 dollars away from me to go on some stupid trip, is one big aggravation. I feel like my personal character was attacked. It's one thing to give me criticism that I can work on, but questioning my drive and ambition is like stepping over a line, I didn't know I had.

The whole time I was like "you....A 5th year senior...Who is embarking on a 6th year senior is telling me that I won't get into med school, because I choose not to talk to you."

I don't like being talked down to. Like in a condescending way. I mean I know I am young, and I play off of that a lot, but there are moments especially when it comes to succeeding that I don't take lightly. I do volunteer, and I do generally like taking care of people(even if I don't like people all the time), so when that is put into question, I do feel like I am being attack.

That they are basically saying that I am not giving 100 percent. When I feel that is all I have been doing. Just because I don't do it in that club, doesn't mean that I'm not doing it. When we got out of the meeting I was so...PISSED. I mean like literally, just so mad that I stormed out of the room and pouted in the corner, contemplating staying in the club. Oh and to top it off, the trip in April cost 90 bucks, but because I have a test, and a practice exam for Spanish on the days we have to leave, I had to get permission from my teachers first. Kay told Mandy my situation and Mandy said it was cool that I could pay on Monday(tonight).

So after the whole, what I perceive to be a personal attack, I go up to her and am about to pay my money;
ME: hey I have to pay you for the trip, my teacher says I can go, so here's the 90 I promised.
Mandy:[look likes she won't take my money] Well you are lucky I didn't send the money off yet[even though it's not due till March 1st, someone's special day *cough cough]
Me: didn't Kay call you and tell you my situation
Mandy[pause. Eye roll]: yeah, but it was due last Monday, if I would have sent it off you wouldn't be able to go. Go to her over there to get a receipt.
Me:[about to smack her face with my 20's] Alright.

Then she proceeds to go to a girl who just joined.
Mandy: hey I'm glad you came, did you hear about the big conference in April, just let me know if you can come, and you can pay me whenever

WHAT! I just got an eye roll, while she gets to pay whenever. F that.

So Kay says that the reason I am feeling so pissed about the whole thing, results from my guilt in not feeling like they see who I really am.

Maybe. Or maybe I don't feel like being apart of a club that questions my intentions.

There's where the dilemma lies. I mean right now I'm pissed, I feel like I want to take back my 90 dollars, shove a converse up someone's...Well you know where, and retreat back into my cave.

Or.

I can fight. Well not literally. Still drop out of the club, go to the trip, prove them all wrong, and come out victorious.

I feel like I'll be disappointing Kay. I feel like I'll be making some new enemies, but I don't feel comfortable going back to that club. I don't feel like being apart of a team that questions my participation.

I don't know what to do.

I mean I know what to do, I just don't know if its right.

Beckett.

Strawberry Ice cream and Cinnamon Life Cereal

My comfort food

Generally I like Valentines Day.

I always have. In grade school I liked getting and giving those stupid cards.

As a teen I daydreamed so often about the "one" that I didn't even care when Valentines came around and my valentine was my mom, cause I imagined somewhere out there he was there waiting till the day when we would get to share Valentines day together.

(all those stupid romance novels ruined me back then. I used to love Castles when I was younger, I still do lets be honest, so when I was in the library one day searching for a book to read in the adult section, I was so happy to be out of the juvenile section, I came across a book with a castle on it. It was all sparkly and had a really great picture, so I was like "this looks like a really good book" when I got home to read it, I of course got to the awkward part and was like "what the hell is this", "should I be reading this" "did she just call it A..." "did he just" "OMG!!!", and then I laughed my ass off, because I was so embarrassed. It's like porn for women, lets be honest. Don't pick the things up ladies, gives you a false sense of everything.)
So anyway.

Valentines day for me has recently just become another day, other then the valentines day box my mom left me and has told me not to open until tomorrow, she does this every year, just to torture me. It just seems weird that on one day out of the year, you decide to be lovey dovey with your significant other. I would like my boyfriend to make a special day just for the two of us, not on a holiday in which everyone celebrates.

Until last night, I was totally content with Valentines being just another day. Until Marie called and ruined my whole night. And also made me crave strawberry ice-cream and a sappy movie I can watch and feel pathetic over.

So Marie...Is...How do I say....Probably the last person you would figure would get a boyfriend. She's really brash and a bully in way. But she's totally comfortable with that, and makes no excuses for her tough and rude ways. We talk about boys all the time, though most people, including her mother, thought she was lesbian b/c she's really tomboysih, not a slender fragile girl, rather a "I'll knock you out girl" .

I wrote in a entry a while back about the Bowling outing I participated in. And there was a boy named Jeff. Who is really a "nice guy". I mean basically he drives her everywhere, gives her massages, and they hang out everyday. The times I have been home all she has talked about is Jeff, which is weird because she rarely talks about boys, other than with me. I mean Seriously. So hearing her talk about this Jeff dude was like "wow do you like, like him or something" of course she would be like "he's not tall enough, he's not built, yadda yadda yadda." Her standards are high even though as my mom puts it "she isn't the prettiest flower in the patch to have such high standards". It's the truth. She wants like a 6'2, well built, handsome dude, yet she isn't one to care much about her own physical appearance, which is just being a hypocrite. I can say this cause on my list of what I want from a guy, it isn't top with nice pecks( I find faces and eyes more interesting, which is probably why all my crushes look the same). Just saying.

So yesterday after having not talked to her for like 3 weeks, she calls me up. We are just talking about our crazy busy lives and out of the blue she's like "remember that whole high standard thing I had, well I totally am over it. And I am kind of dating Jeff now."

You could have punched me in the face.

I could not breathe. MARIE. DATING. A GUY. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TOO.

I didn't even no what to say. I was like asking the most stupid questions. "you guys are dating?" "Like together?" "and you both agreed on this?"

I mean you know the saying "... When hell freezes over", well that was basically what me and everyone else who knows Marie would say in the boy department. I mean I am her best friend(seeing that they have been dating for a week now and I am the only one who knows), but I know that Marie was the most unlikely to get a boyfriend. In a way, my shock of her news was in all in part because I was...Jealous.

I know jealousy is awful, and I am generally happy for her. I mean she meet a really, as far as I know, cool kid that she likes and who likes her back. But then those small things hit in you in your head. Like she has a boyfriend, and I don't. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT. And I keep thinking like "she's mean, and loud, and overwhelming to be around...And yet she has someone who likes her, who was meeting her dog today." And I don't. I was jealous cause I felt unlikeable...Undesirable...Uninteresting, that no one has taken an interest in me. So I called my mom for a) shock value b) to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

And then I ate cereal for the rest of the night, cursing at the ceiling that fate has rendered me "alone"

Waking up this morning I realize what it is.

Sure Marie isn't the pretty flower in the bunch, sure she is rude, and crude, and just plain annoying sometime, but she's confidant. She puts herself out there, she makes sure she is seen. She doesn't hide, she isn't afraid. It's like that scenario of the girl in the nightclub. She could be the ugliest girl there, but she struts in like she owns the place, and in a way she does. But if you are just standing against the wall no matter how pretty you feel, but you are not making an attempt, well then no one is going to notice you, even when you desperately want them to.

This dating game is hard. When you are in elementary school, you knew when a boy liked you cause he was probably hitting you in the shoulder. But when you get older, it's all so subtle, and if you don't pounce on that you'll miss your chance.

I'm not willing to compromise and date some weirdo who whistles at me walking down the street, but to a point I have to stop my fight or flight way of life. Because I am not looking forward to going out to dinner with her and her boyfriend(weird) and being that "girl" because I am....Scared. I just don't want to be that girl, not forever.

Maybe I should just become a nun and then I would have an excuse why I don't have a boyfriend. They do where cute outfits.

Then to top it all of, she thanks me for making her realize that you have to look beyond a person hotness when you like someone, and that my comments help her see that Jeff was a great guy and now they are going strong for 2 whole weeks. YEP. That's me. CUPID. STUPID STUPID CUPID.

And then to top the off, as I was strolling down the street, with glasses off, and staring off at the sky, Art boy was right behind me. I don't know for how long, and then he started walking fast and I lost sight of him. Story of my life

I feel like a hypocrite, not even with Art boy, cause in all honesty I don't want to have a crush on a figment anymore, and have vowed that unless I talk to him than I can't really crush on him. So next week is movie club, I'll have to practice what to say to him.

Anyway. I feel like a hypocrite b/c today we had a exam for English. Where we had to right on one of the three topics. I chose women and their desires, and the consequences they faced in Romeo and Juliet and the Bible for acting or not acting on it.

I'll try to conjure up what I wrote on that subject tomorrow. But writing it, about how our desires are what inspire life if we act on them, as Juliet did, made me realize that I don't. And that I am like the women in those old stories. Repressed, and a property of life's laws, instead of my own. Juliet has more balls then me, even if she was a stupid teenager.

So I'm not so disappointed anymore...I'm not "desireless", it just that the confidence that I thought I had is really not as strong as I would like to be. I have to realize that I am an interesting person, with a lot to give, I just have to see it in myself first, before I can have someone else see it in me.