When did I become Charlie Brown.
Hmmm...
As of Monday, Kay has informed me that I Beckett Amelia Hughes am "anit-social"
Who knew?
Though this week has calmed down a bit, which is why I am posting a day ahead of my break, I did swing by some clubs on Monday with her. There was some Med students who stopped by to basically tell us what it is like. Of course they all looked tired and in more desperate need for some sleep then me, but it was all informative. Then we swung by Amnesty International, where I sat there for an hour with a bunch of hippies talking about what we should do, instead of going out and doing what we should do. I don't know.
While Kay mingled and talked about her concerns with issues in the world. I sat there and doodled, while she introduce herself to the girl next to us, I stared at poster, and was wishing I was at movie club staring at Art Boy instead of the hot British boy who was leading the club.
Then unbeknownst to me, Kay and some of the members of the club, meaning the girls we shared a room with on our trip, talked about "concerns" with how I was going to be a doctor when I barely like talking to people, when they were eating lunch one day.
Not very encouraging.
Me? Anti-social? Surely they must be talking about someone else?
Okay in all fairness I admit that I don't like talking to people. It's not even really out of fear(well beside Art Boy) but it's mainly that I don't feel like they are interested in holding a conversation with me. If someone begins a conversation with me in class, I will chat and be friendly. But for the most part, I always feel like I am being talked at and not to. When me and Kay are together all the questions are directed to her, and I just fade in the back. I'm kind of use to sitting on the sidelines and not making a "name" for myself.
Of having to define and prove myself.
Apparently I am really good at not giving a shit. This is how people perceive me. My mom even comments on my utter disinterest that I display during boring situations. I start to doodle, I crack jokes, and try to ditch the event at all cost. I'm the person who sits near the exit so at any moment I can bolt without the crowd noticing.
I have been deemed a non participator, the kid on the sideline, the girl standing against the walls at parties...I AM MOLLY RINGWALD. AWKWARD.
I assumed my stress was coming from the lack of time I have had, the amount of homework that I have had, and such. Which it was. Everyone has been complaining about how quickly this semester is moving, how quickly it will be over, and how well we all want to do well in our classes.
But the little thing that keeps me up at night,as I stare up at the ceiling and bit on my lip, and wishing there was something to pray to, has not been the school work. It's something else. Something that not even my 80 jams cannot subdued. ( I would like to thank Culture Club, Cyndi Lauper, Hall and Oates,A-Ha, and Pat Benatar for the excessive amount of times I have played you on my record player. VINYL FOREVER)
I am not one of those people who worry( well thats a lie) about birthdays, and age. But I think what Kay and the rest of the people in the club, life, home, etc, are so frustrated with me is because they look at me, and see that I am young, and see that I have a lot going for me, that I have time, and I am kind of just letting it pass me by. Not even socially, most of the people I know, have husbands, kids, drama to worry about, and I have well...Nothing. My life hasn't even started yet.
But for me. I feel like I'm coming up on 20, and have wasted time. Have wasted so much, and I am looking into the future, and wondering if my efforts to get to this point and place in my life were I am happy aren't strong enough. I was watching scrubs last night, cause I kind of have a crush on Zach Braff. But now he's dating Mandy Moore and she's an idiot so his character as a person is in review now. But anyway I was watching Scrubs, b/c it really is a good show and he said something that put it all in perspective. That we worry about the future when we aren't sure how it's going to work out. But I'm paraphrasing that so...
I am terribly worried about my future. Like my ambition for getting there isn't matching my drive. And I just get worried that I watching slip through my hand. That I'm now grasping it fully. There is just so much I want to do, and I haven't even pinpointed them. Truth be told time is commodity, there isn't enough of it. Before you know it, you wake up and your 20 or 30 or 40, and wonder where it went. Well for the past week, I have been waking up and realizing that I'm 19, and I have nothing to show for it. I am standing on the sidelines, and I am not making a splash.
And talking to my mom yesterday she was about Med school she was like "You don't have to prove it me that you want to go to Med school" and she was right. I have to prove it to myself, I have to make my future look brighter. I want to live in Philadelphia, and have my own apartment, and cat named...I'm not good with names, but you get what I'm saying.
So where do you go from here?. When life opens the door, and only obstacle is in choosing whether to step through or not. Or linger back in the shadow, hoping that someone will shine that light and find you.
So I have been dealing with that, but I think I realizing what I want to do with my life, where I want the path to take me. In psychology we are learning about the stages of life. I am in Stage 5 of the 8(along with the rest of people in that class) our stage is called
Identity Vs. Role Confusion. In other words I am Charlie Brown. I mean think about it. Minus the yellow t-shirt, the baldness, I am a kid running around chasing after a Art Boy=Little red head girl, I'm totally pessimistic, Marie is totally Lucy, and I say "good grief" all the time.
I want to be Linus. He was cooler.
As soon as I figure out who it is that I am, I have to figure it out how that plays into getting what I want. As soon as I figure out what "it" is. My head hurts.
Can't wait for the next stage of life which occurs in the 20's. Intimacy vs. Isolation. Sounds Fun.
I have to study for my Genetics test(while listening to some new tunes thanks to DarkMachines). I had to talk to my teacher because the medical trip in April is on the same day as an exam,so I had to explain that I am a Pre-med student, which now means I have to do really good or he will think I am an idiot.
The girl I dislike in European Lit, got heckled today(you will hear more about her later). I laughed too, and then got the death stare from across the room from her. Highlight of my day. Well minus Gremlins being on USA network.
3 comments:
You'll have to tell me what you learn about Intimacy vs. Isolation. I'm currently living Intimacy vs. Isolation, but i still want to know what psychology says about it.
I'm right there with you in the anti-social thing.
I'm not sure identity, who you are, is a static thing. I mean, once you figure it out, it'll probably change right away. I think MY new goal is to try to live with what I have, inhabit myself more completely, if that makes any sense?
Non-introverts, non-shy people, non-anti-social folk will always try to make you be more like them. it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to try to make that change.
20 was by far - BY FAR - the best year of my life. i hope it will be for you, too.
Linus was always my favorite. as a thumb-sucking, blanket-toting child, i always identified with him. then when it turned out he's the brainy philosopher of the gang, i identified even more fiercely.
you're doing well, beckett - don't let anyone tell you you're not. small steady steps forward.
when are you going to hang out with Art Boy?
I haven't seen art boy in like 2 weeks. He's been hididng. I saw him walking down the street but i was talking on the phone with my mom about how i needed new glasses because i looked like Harry Potter's sister. Kind of an awkward moment to say hi. Then i was dragged to two meetings none of which included the movie club. So i have to a) wait 2 more weeks until his next showing or b) see him in the street, which is rare. he's pretty much been MIA, except for the small appearances on the street.
The intimacy Vs. Isolation thing is very interesting. I was going to probably write my next post on it. And our scared reactions while the teacher talked about it.
Linus was my favorite too. He had the cool blanket. Charlie Brown was bald and kind of a complainer. Still liked him though, just not as much as Linus.
send Art Boy an email. like how you're looking forward to the next movie club or something.
harry potter's sister! hee hee.....
oh and Gremlins scared the crap out of me as a little kid. i haven't seen it since.
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