I don't know what is wrong with me.
Why i can't do like this normal bonding thing that people do.
Why i can never just feel apart of the group.
Why i am crying at 9:30pm during an episode of SVU: Law and Order.
It's like this feeling i can't explain.
Like maybe there are just things about me that keep people away.
That i am not sure of who i am, so i awkwardly stand alone in the crowd, trying to take notes on how everyone else does it.
How Kay can do it so easily, and be one of the girls in a heartbeat.
While i pretend i'm asleep against the window, and try to prevent myself from crying.
And i wonder what happened to the girl i use to respect.
And that the seven year itch means so much more than growing old with the situation. It's seven years ago that we moved, it's seven birthday's i spent here, it's seven years i have felt utterly alone. It's seven years since i have felt whole.
How in seven years i have instantly become this hybrid of a person i am.
It's seven years of being on the outside looking in, and for once hoping that the feeling would go away. But instead spent wishing i could go back to moment it all changed. Where i went from being this strong, lively, friend-filled 13 year old, to an almost 20 year old who is unsure, insecure, adult.
Who wishes there was a safe place to hide. A hand to guide my misguided one. And for someone to just reassure that i don't have to keep pretending to be so strong, and that i can be weak sometimes. And that is okay to cry. And feel frustrated. And be Angry. And be Sad
Cause thats what the last couple of minutes of intense tear falling has resulted from.
Time to bed, and sleep away this day.
1 comment:
Oh, Beckett.....
You don't have to be strong.
It's very okay to be weak sometimes.
You can cry.
You can be sad.
You can be frustrated.
you practically wrote my post for me tonight, with this one....
"I'm not feeling so good tonight."
I think we are - different. Square pegs in a world of round holes. fractured mirror-images of our old selves.
It's hard some days. Some days, all you can do is cry during Law & Order. or take long baths and fall asleep under too many blankets. Some days, all you can do is go to bed early and hope you've left it all behind.
I respect you. I like you, and not just because you're like me.
You are my friend. so you are not entirely alone (and I know - a mystery friend hundreds of miles away isn't what you have it mind - that's okay).
let me know if you want to talk more. i'm always here.
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