Generally I like Valentines Day.
I always have. In grade school I liked getting and giving those stupid cards.
As a teen I daydreamed so often about the "one" that I didn't even care when Valentines came around and my valentine was my mom, cause I imagined somewhere out there he was there waiting till the day when we would get to share Valentines day together.
(all those stupid romance novels ruined me back then. I used to love Castles when I was younger, I still do lets be honest, so when I was in the library one day searching for a book to read in the adult section, I was so happy to be out of the juvenile section, I came across a book with a castle on it. It was all sparkly and had a really great picture, so I was like "this looks like a really good book" when I got home to read it, I of course got to the awkward part and was like "what the hell is this", "should I be reading this" "did she just call it A..." "did he just" "OMG!!!", and then I laughed my ass off, because I was so embarrassed. It's like porn for women, lets be honest. Don't pick the things up ladies, gives you a false sense of everything.)
So anyway.
Valentines day for me has recently just become another day, other then the valentines day box my mom left me and has told me not to open until tomorrow, she does this every year, just to torture me. It just seems weird that on one day out of the year, you decide to be lovey dovey with your significant other. I would like my boyfriend to make a special day just for the two of us, not on a holiday in which everyone celebrates.
Until last night, I was totally content with Valentines being just another day. Until Marie called and ruined my whole night. And also made me crave strawberry ice-cream and a sappy movie I can watch and feel pathetic over.
So Marie...Is...How do I say....Probably the last person you would figure would get a boyfriend. She's really brash and a bully in way. But she's totally comfortable with that, and makes no excuses for her tough and rude ways. We talk about boys all the time, though most people, including her mother, thought she was lesbian b/c she's really tomboysih, not a slender fragile girl, rather a "I'll knock you out girl" .
I wrote in a entry a while back about the Bowling outing I participated in. And there was a boy named Jeff. Who is really a "nice guy". I mean basically he drives her everywhere, gives her massages, and they hang out everyday. The times I have been home all she has talked about is Jeff, which is weird because she rarely talks about boys, other than with me. I mean Seriously. So hearing her talk about this Jeff dude was like "wow do you like, like him or something" of course she would be like "he's not tall enough, he's not built, yadda yadda yadda." Her standards are high even though as my mom puts it "she isn't the prettiest flower in the patch to have such high standards". It's the truth. She wants like a 6'2, well built, handsome dude, yet she isn't one to care much about her own physical appearance, which is just being a hypocrite. I can say this cause on my list of what I want from a guy, it isn't top with nice pecks( I find faces and eyes more interesting, which is probably why all my crushes look the same). Just saying.
So yesterday after having not talked to her for like 3 weeks, she calls me up. We are just talking about our crazy busy lives and out of the blue she's like "remember that whole high standard thing I had, well I totally am over it. And I am kind of dating Jeff now."
You could have punched me in the face.
I could not breathe. MARIE. DATING. A GUY. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TOO.
I didn't even no what to say. I was like asking the most stupid questions. "you guys are dating?" "Like together?" "and you both agreed on this?"
I mean you know the saying "... When hell freezes over", well that was basically what me and everyone else who knows Marie would say in the boy department. I mean I am her best friend(seeing that they have been dating for a week now and I am the only one who knows), but I know that Marie was the most unlikely to get a boyfriend. In a way, my shock of her news was in all in part because I was...Jealous.
I know jealousy is awful, and I am generally happy for her. I mean she meet a really, as far as I know, cool kid that she likes and who likes her back. But then those small things hit in you in your head. Like she has a boyfriend, and I don't. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT. And I keep thinking like "she's mean, and loud, and overwhelming to be around...And yet she has someone who likes her, who was meeting her dog today." And I don't. I was jealous cause I felt unlikeable...Undesirable...Uninteresting, that no one has taken an interest in me. So I called my mom for a) shock value b) to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
And then I ate cereal for the rest of the night, cursing at the ceiling that fate has rendered me "alone"
Waking up this morning I realize what it is.
Sure Marie isn't the pretty flower in the bunch, sure she is rude, and crude, and just plain annoying sometime, but she's confidant. She puts herself out there, she makes sure she is seen. She doesn't hide, she isn't afraid. It's like that scenario of the girl in the nightclub. She could be the ugliest girl there, but she struts in like she owns the place, and in a way she does. But if you are just standing against the wall no matter how pretty you feel, but you are not making an attempt, well then no one is going to notice you, even when you desperately want them to.
This dating game is hard. When you are in elementary school, you knew when a boy liked you cause he was probably hitting you in the shoulder. But when you get older, it's all so subtle, and if you don't pounce on that you'll miss your chance.
I'm not willing to compromise and date some weirdo who whistles at me walking down the street, but to a point I have to stop my fight or flight way of life. Because I am not looking forward to going out to dinner with her and her boyfriend(weird) and being that "girl" because I am....Scared. I just don't want to be that girl, not forever.
Maybe I should just become a nun and then I would have an excuse why I don't have a boyfriend. They do where cute outfits.
Then to top it all of, she thanks me for making her realize that you have to look beyond a person hotness when you like someone, and that my comments help her see that Jeff was a great guy and now they are going strong for 2 whole weeks. YEP. That's me. CUPID. STUPID STUPID CUPID.
And then to top the off, as I was strolling down the street, with glasses off, and staring off at the sky, Art boy was right behind me. I don't know for how long, and then he started walking fast and I lost sight of him. Story of my life
I feel like a hypocrite, not even with Art boy, cause in all honesty I don't want to have a crush on a figment anymore, and have vowed that unless I talk to him than I can't really crush on him. So next week is movie club, I'll have to practice what to say to him.
Anyway. I feel like a hypocrite b/c today we had a exam for English. Where we had to right on one of the three topics. I chose women and their desires, and the consequences they faced in Romeo and Juliet and the Bible for acting or not acting on it.
I'll try to conjure up what I wrote on that subject tomorrow. But writing it, about how our desires are what inspire life if we act on them, as Juliet did, made me realize that I don't. And that I am like the women in those old stories. Repressed, and a property of life's laws, instead of my own. Juliet has more balls then me, even if she was a stupid teenager.
So I'm not so disappointed anymore...I'm not "desireless", it just that the confidence that I thought I had is really not as strong as I would like to be. I have to realize that I am an interesting person, with a lot to give, I just have to see it in myself first, before I can have someone else see it in me.
No comments:
Post a Comment