Katherine the "not so" Great

What a great way to end this week.

Yesterday as I was walking back to my dorm, getting ready to put on my pj's and chill for the few hours I had before going to psych class, Kay calls me crying hysterically.

Of course, being the generous and caring person I am, I put aside my cherished 3 hours of isolation in my room, which is spent, writing, blogging, watching television, playing the Sims, that sort of thing, and spent it with her.

Crazy Husband is doing, Crazy Husband is doing that, there was some incoherent mumble mixed in with her crying. You know the kind of crying, the crying people try to talk through, but only spit out pieces of sentences.

I told her I would meet her, that we could go get coffee, that I help her sort it out.

This is taking a toll on me. A 19 year old, whose never had a serious relationship, who doesn't take kids to take care of, who still gets confused with what constitutes "white" and "darks" in the laundry. Does that include whites that may have a green frog on them? Is grey a Dark? I'm confused. And some how it is I, along with a whole array of other people, she calls to sort, listen, to her drama.

And I being the constant caregiver run to her aid. I feel it is because I am reminded of my mother, I am reminded of how I couldn't help her when I was younger, and my dad was the #1 terror, and how she had no one to turn to. How she had no one to lean on, and in a way I feel like I am just so involved in Kays drama, because I feel like I am making it up to my mother, that as a 3 year old I didn't have the strength to fight back and protect her, but as an adult I do.

But the difference between my mom, is that my mom was a fighter. She had no fear. She did and does everything for my brother and I. She is the strongest woman I know. Sure sometimes I don't agree with her, and I can become damn near frustrated with her, but she sacrificed for us. And Kay, is just a complaining person.

Of course when I go out to meet her, the tears have dried up, she is as chirpy as ever, and I am dragged to some coffee shop, to talk....Well not about her drama. A friend of Kays named Leah shows up, and I wonder why I am there. Like a fool, I have to the rescue of someone who needs more than I can do for her.

I told me mom about this last night, who laughed at Kays "struggles". She(as my mom puts it) "has a husband ex or not, who is at least paying child support. I never saw a dime from your father, I worked 2 jobs when I was pregnant with you, put up with his insanity(he was pretty crazy back then), and I left in the dead of the night, with two kids, little to no money, and the clothes on our back". Kay on the other hand is living the high life. She in a nice apartment, driving a BMW, has everyone doing what the can for her, and sure her ex-husband me be crazy, but he's present.

My mom once said that some people are meant to come in life, teach you a lesson, and then leave. That everyone you meet has a purpose, short of long termed, you will gave something from them, which will be useful in life. At first, my mom thought Kay was this person. Kay is popular with the people, she has a way of connecting that I have grasped yet, my mom thought she was bringing me out of the shadows I hide in.

Not the case. I seem to be doing more for Kay. This "friendship" seems one sided. Because when I think about it, it isn't Kay I am going to call when I have a bad day. She's not someone I can depend on. And I seem to be teaching her more lessons, then she is teaching me.

When she calls, I basically drop what I am doing, lend a sympathetic ear, and listen. But I do not think it is like that with her.

When we were having lunch, Kay of course went on talking about my weird quirks(not eating in front of people, my theory that going to bathroom in groups in weird. I don't want to hear 7 other people peeing, and such), which then of course was analyzed, and I was diagnosed OCD. WTF. Just because I like to get to class early to get my favorite seat, does not make me OCD. I just like the small things. Then Leah asked Kay if she wanted to go the movies later that night and then to a party. I always think it is weird to ask someone to do something in front of someone who isn't invited. I would wait until the other person left, or I would have called her up. Anyway. Kay agreed to go, and we went on to talking. I later mentioned that I was that I had to go, because I had class in 20 minutes.

Kay: It's not like you will be late
Me: I like being on time
Leah: Are you sure you don't have OCD
Me: Clinically I do not have OCD. (read a book)
Kay: I'll call you tonight
Me: I may be doing something(nothing really)
Kay: No you won't, you never do anything. I should make you go to this party.
Me: I rather not go Primetime is coming on at 10

And then I leave. So I'm not into "that" stuff, but honestly, I'm looking for something more. I'm looking for something more than attending a party with 50 self centered "artsy" people, I'm looking for more than being someone's Dr. Phil advice giver.

I want to be able to go to someone and talk to when I am having a bad day, 2-3 best friends who will watch old school 80's flicks with me, and someone I can learn something from. Where it is more 50/50 instead of 90/10. As my mom puts it, it's as if my time is being revolved around hers. And my time is important. And it shouldn't be diminished.

So today I have been pretty much dragging around. I got a horrible grade on my English essay, so I went to go talk to the GA(graduate assistant), who told me the same thing I have been hearing over and over again "you make grand sweeping statements, in a more creative writing way, but when it comes to writing a critical essay...Not so good. I am not finding the balance. In my writing, in my life, in general.

My Bio and Genetics professor said the most profound thing about balance yesterday, which was surprising cause he's kind of ditzy and because he was talking about DNA.

"There has to be a balance between stability and change, or we would not as organism be able to evolve. There cannot be too much of either or problems could arise"

I drew a star by this statement, drew a smiley face near it, circled it. I was impressed. I wanted to pat him on the back, and say "you may have just pinpointed my problems".

With my critical essay, my history paper, school, boys, friends, happiness. There is no balance. They are either stable qualities of my life, or changes that I am to frightened to make. And it's all about finding the balance. Somewhere there has to be a happy medium.

Anyway. It's just something for me to think about.

I saw Mike walking down the street again. We smile at each other as if we know a secret no one else does. I hate that I wished we still had a lot of classes together. I hate that I can't find the words to say "we should hang out, go get subway, I'll even eat in front of you( he hates that I won't eat in front of him)" Instead we talk shortly and leave each other, wanting to say more, but not having the time to do so.

And in more shocking BDay news. I have been harboring a butt load of money in my bank account. About 2 weeks ago my mom deposited money into my account. She said she put it there, cause I was good at holding money, and it would be money we would use to have fun in NYC. It's the most money I've seen in my whole entire existence, which isn't saying much because more than 200 dollars is a lot to me. Anyway, yesterday my mom and I had another iPod talk. Before I get off the phone with her, I always go "and don't forget the iPod" a little Pavlov's psych for you.

But today she calls me, and says "Happy Early Birthday". WHAT? It appears that that large sum of money in my back account I have been drooling over...IS ALL MINE. OMG!!!

I have no idea what to do with it. The possibilities are endless. I could get my iPod and a digital camera, and have enough for clothes, and more. I've been staring it all day. I have been pondering what to do with it all day.

And the first thing I did with my money...Was by my mom a birthday gift. Generally the first idea that popped in my head was what I could buy for my brother and mom.

I'm learning, from Kay and others, that money can't buy everything.

I'd rather just spend the money, and day with the people I love. Instead of anything else.

but.

I am getting an iPod. And maybe a digital camera. It is my bday after all.

One more week until NYC and my visit to MoMa.