Another Place to Fall

My anxiety is like an avanlanche.

 I know it's such a cliche way to describe it but until I can find a better analogy that suffices...my anxiety these days is like an avalanche.

Lately I've been trying to get my fiances in some sort of order and because I am not a person who truly understands money or what I am supposed to do with, the idea of now managing funds is stressing me out.

A couple of weeks ago Kat told me that she sometimes thinks about getting a part time job at Le Sad Store because she misses working there. I generally I remain mum when Kat brings up Le Sad Store because she does it often enough that I just white noise the conversation. She misses working with friends, she misses laughing at work, she misses being able to listen to music and dance and behave silly, she missed dressing up for cute boy, she misses free books.

She does not in fact miss the actual work, or the annoying managers or the terrible customers and the long hours or the shit pay. She does not miss the phantom customer who used to smear poop on the windows or the teenagers who would make out in the children's department. She just misses the accessibility to friends which to me is no reason to ever want to go back to Le Sad Store. Ever.

And I told her this, because despite the really great time I had at Le Sad Store and the amazing people I worked with,  I made less than $9 an hour and towards the end of my tenure there was only working around 10 hours a week. Save yourself from doing the math, cause i'll lay it out for you: I once made $70 for a weeks work of pay. I am not sure how I paid rent or ate or had a social life because I was pretty poor. Like very poor. The University job helped a lot but, i had to work two jobs just to stay head above water and honestly I don't ever want to be in that position again.

So yea, in an ideal world I wish I had a job that I loved, working with interesting and diverse people, making a comfortable amount of money but that just isn't the case yet. Until it is, I'd much rather be gainfully employed at a job that guarantees 40 hours a week with a stable paycheck. I am too afraid of returning the alternative.

But now that I have settled on this course, i am struck by how little I had in my previous life as a bookseller, especially now as I try and create more financially stability. I must admit that I avoided and ignored some things in the past just so I could have a home and eat a little. I cut corners and duck and dove and scrounged as best as I could to survive, which definitely attests to my resourcefulness but maybe not to my maintainability. Post holidays, i've been trying to get my finances in order (how lame does that sound) so i can buy a car and visit Canada this summer...because i am able to all of a sudden. But now that means I have to save and put money away and make conscious decisions about money so that i can have money. It's all very bizarre and foreign to me.

The other day I impulsively ordered a bench from target, because I love where I live and until I am at a point where I want to lease an apartment instead of renting a studio, I want to make this home as homey as possible. When I first moved in, I had only a mattress and an old desk a friend gave me. Slowly, i've been able to purchase legit furniture and have created what can only be described as my first real home, in the first real town I've ever really liked.

But for the first time after hitting the glorious purchase button, I felt guilty because I could afford to buy the bench and yet also could have equally used the money for something else.  Do i really need anther piece of furniture in my place? I am supposed to be saving money, not spending money. I could have used that money towards my car or some other erroneous house expense. Speaking of... why do I all of a sudden have expenses? Did I always have a grocery expense, and a commuting expense and a life expense. And if all this money is supposedly going somewhere why do I feel so broke even though I have more money in my account than I have ever had. Am i adulting right? Does me even asking this question mean that I am an adult!

This circular thinking went on for the rest of the fucking day. So much so that the damn bench hasn't even arrived yet and I already hate it (and secretly love it). I am not used to feeling such anxiety over things not boy or people related and even that has given me anxiety. I told you, it's like an avalanche. It's crescendo of snow billowing towards me until I am smothered whole.

Anyway, the weekend is here and outside of a hair appointment I have in the city, I plan on spending the rest of it indoors and reading. I used to write and read all the time but over the last few years i've done so less and less. I have this crazy idea to read all of Annie Proulx's books because it was Marie's favorite author and I hope I will be able to find her in the pages. It's dumb but it's just this journey I want to go on to stay close to her some how. Depending on how long this hair appointment runs i might hit up the library this weekend, grab some books, flirt with the uber nerdy but cute librarian and chill at home.

And make space for this damn lovely bench i spent a bunch of money on

Snowzilla

I survived the blizzard, though i must admit my home bound weekend watching HGTV and eating soup under the warmth of blankets and pillows was not unlike my usual winter weekend shenanigans if i can be honest.

Because of my car situation, I am glad there hasn't been much snow this winter. So i wasn't particularly thrilled with sweating on Christmas Day because it was 70 degrees outside but I thankful that I have yet to face commuting from this job to my apartment on a wintry snowy day. My boss is still super sketchy about me taking any time off and I am under the impression that he holds my attendance to a much higher standard than everyone else in the office. Or I'm just paranoid as hell and afraid of taking a day off unless I absolutely have to. I called out once a few months ago because my mom was in town and I wanted to go with her to the airport to wish her goodbye. I got a frantic email from my boss saying that he needed me in the office and would pay for the uber cab from Manhattan to our office if it ensured I was there on time. He's a strange guy.

While, I have not necessarily missed winter, I was super excited about the blizzard this weekend...mainly because it was on the weekend which allowed me to enjoy a  proper snowstorm in the safety of my home without feeling guilty about avoiding responsibilities. It was a win-win situation.

The snow didn't start until Saturday morning, so Kat and I resumed our weekly activities of food shopping and watching tv at my house. The supermarket was a mad house of course and our trip was very short lived because a fight or two may have broken out over shopping carts and celery. I wish I was kidding. Needless to say, we purchased whatever food we needed and left in a hurry.

I know I've been super hard on Kat these last few weeks and I am trying not to let the consistency of our relationship bug me. Maybe, consistency is not the right word because it is definitely not something I would ever tire of. I love that she is the most loyal dedicated person I have ever met. She is constantly in touch and checking in and making sure that I don't get lost in my own head. But i guess I worry about my own tiredness with routine. I worry about us running out of things to talk about or do because we've known each other for so long.

Outside of Marie and Heather, Kat is my longest living friend which in and of itself is a weird thing to write. Perhaps my discomfort and distance these last few weeks has more to do with my fear of loss. We've been friends for a super long time and to be honest I am so used to her being around, I am so dependent on her companionship that I am aware of how devastated I would be if I lost it or her. My natural response to this fear is to push her away, isolate myself, convince myself that i need to be less close to her instead of admitting that I just don't want her to tire of me, I just don't want her to leave and worse.

Stupid, silly fears. I wish i could shake them.

Anyway, I am trying to be a better friend. I am trying to learn how to settle into something or one for the long run because this is not something I am used to doing. So on Friday, the night before the storm, we had a pretty chill hangout. We ate salads, watched The Affair on showtimes, discussed our work week and gossiped. She admitted that she really looks forward to our Friday nights and maybe secretly I do as well, even though I often want to rebel and do other things.

I spent the whole weekend safely inside my house during the blizzard. After Kat went home on Friday, I hunkered down in preparation for the storm: which honestly involved me building a pillow fort. Having weekends off are the flipping best and I can't lie, I had no qualms about staying put. I made corn chowder in the crock pot, utilized my amazon prime subscription and watched some crappy movies. I napped, cleaned, danced and gave an hourly photo update of the storm to my mom. It was complete and utter bliss, made only more spectacular but the beautiful crisp snow outside my window (that of course is now disgusting grey slush).

Kat has been bugging me about my birthday and how I want to celebrate it this year and she gave me the task of coming up with birthday ideas during the blizzard. I am generally not a person who frets about getting older but I must admit there is something gnawing at me about the big 3-0.I feel both incredibly old and yet also very  unfinished. I can deduct huge chunk of years away from my current age with a full memory of who and where I was, yet I can't imagine that same chunk of time to be added to how old I am now. I have no idea who i'll be, where i'll be or if happiness is what i'll finally found.

Because of my current existential crisis surrounding 30, i have not put much thought into my actual birthday. A part of me wants to go home and visit my mom, brother and nephew. My nephew is now 5 years old, he is adorable and sweet and kind. When I was home for Thanksgiving, he went to the kitchen grabbed himself two juice boxes and offered me one because 'i was pretty and nice'. I want to know this kid and see him continue to grow and I wish I could spend a few days in march celebrating with him and the rest of my family.

With work and life, taking time off is damn near impossible at the moment, and I spent the weekend not coming up with any ideas on how to spend my birthday in New York. Kat suggested we see an off Broadway show starring one of my favorite actors and hitting up this place called the Meatball Shop which has sort of become a tradition. Naturally because I love this actor so much I agreed (followed by squealing and on-line shopping) and we have tickets to see this show the weekend of my birthday. I am also thinking of taking the day of and after my birthday off from work because...ew, who goes to work on their birthday.

For whatever it's worth, for however devastating and drag out hard it was, I am proud of my 20's and also equally ready to continue on the trend of good energy and growth well into my 30's. I just hope I continue to look as young as I do for a while, it's like the only thing saving me from having a complete 'how they fuck am i turning 30' freak out.

Prepardedness

There's a snowstorm coming my way and I am super prepared. More prepared than I should be considering the short notice. This has been a pretty disappointing and long week. While Kat and I have recovered from the disaster that was Christmas, I am still a little disappointed by that we seem to have settled into a boring and complacent routine. Last Friday she picked me up from work and we went to my house to watch TV like we do every week. She complained about having cramps, ate some food and then went home an hour later. It was 7pm. I am starting to resent these hangouts because I wish we were doing more and she seems okay with things being as they are.

On the job front, my only office buddy is away on vacation. Without her in the office, I spent the bulk of my week being ignored by my co-workers or worse engaged in conversation with Creep-master-flex. I don't necessarily hate my job, but I wish I was around more people I could have a social life with outside of work. I sometimes resent my friendship with Kat because I find it isolating and then I come to work, which should be a place where I can meet friends and I have yet to do so and honestly do not think I will.

To top off the crappy week, one of my managers approached me the other day and said his dad was selling a car and because he knew i was in the market he would let me buy it for super cheap if I was interested. Of course based on the amount he was willing to sell it for, I had a sneaking suspicion the car was a clunker. My manager is a decent guy but he also works in the sales department and is a pro at presenting you with something that seems like a steal. I immediately texted my friend Heather and asked if she could drive me over to my managers dad house so I could see the car.

We went after work this week and needless to say the car was a mile away from falling apart. It had several key marks, dents and rust stains. The odometer lights did not work nor did any of the lights inside the car. After viewing the car, I was surprised that my manager asked what I thought and would I want to put down anything to buy the car. I nicely told him I would continue my search, for the time being and then Heather and I howled with laughter and mortification at the whole ordeal.

So yea, I am a little excited about a few days of seclusion, even if i have a blizzard to thank for it. I want to try my hand at making Corn Chowder this weekend along with appropriating my time between reading books in my homemade blanket fort, marathoning shows and researching nerdy interior design stuff ( a new hobby). Kat's picking me up after work and we are going to try to find a super market that hasn't completely been emptied of food. If not, my Chowder plans are squashed and it looks like I'll be making homemade pizza's this week. I am equally okay with this. I'm pretty okay with a lot of this actually. My introverted self looks for any and all excused to escape the world and this week is a better chance than ever. 

Trajectories

Happy New Year!

 I can't tell you the amount of times I have already typed 2015 instead of 2016 at work but I am glad that as of today that is my biggest adjustment to 2016.

I spent the last two days of 2015 at my aunts house, making lasagna rolls and watching an inordinate amount of shows on the Disney channel thanks to my cousin. The lasagna rolls were delicious and I think i may have a future as a home cook because so far all of my pinterest inspired recipes are coming out well. My aunt, who is a picky eating, went back for 3rds and even my cousin, who barely eats, could not contain her appreciation for the dish. ::pats on back::

We stayed up until Midnight to watch the ball drop and then immediately went to bed around 12:05. I woke up super early the next morning so I could head home and enjoy my long weekend in the comfort of my apartment. My aunt seemed disappointed that I couldn't stay around longer to make more food and babysit my cousin but there is something about being in my own home, indulging in my own routines that I cannot get over. It's seriously a luxury.

Unfortunately I got pretty sick the day of New Years and spent the bulk of my weekend nursing a pretty awful stomach ache while watching a Law and Order marathon. As I approach 30 (yes, I will be 30 years old in march) I am slowly realizing that while I look like a high schooler on the debate team, my body has demanded I treat myself like a woman approaching her 30's. All the greasy food from the past two days, combined with my restlessness and lack of sleep, mixed with a few life anxieties caused my body to shut down come the weekend.

If anything, I am going to have to take it easier on my body these days. Or eat healthier, especially if i want to avoid feeling as awful as I did this weekend. Despite my weakened state, I half-heartily made up with Kat this weekend and also tried my hand at car buying! Both were semi disastrous ventures.

On the Kat front: She came over this weekend so we could finally exchange presents and 'air our grievances' about the last awkward few weeks between us. In general our hangout was nice. She got me some awesome gifts and seemed pleased and surprised by my presents to her. Of course, once the exchange was over we painstakingly went through why we hadn't talked in so long,  only to agree that we handle things differently and need to communicate better.

I had planned this big speech about needing our friendship to evolve and for us to grow as independent people who are the best of friends who don't need to depend on each other in an unhealthy way. But Kat seems petrified by change (opposed to it actually) especially when it involves people close to her. And whatever baby steps I want to take for my own life will just have to be done quietly and without her knowledge because it will only be met with resistance .

On the car front: Well, my friend Heather took me around to some dealerships the other day and I found a few cars I am interested in. Car buying is akin to speed dating I imagine. We spent the bulk of my car buying experience walking around some lots, making general first impressions about certain vehicles and then when there was one I liked, i simply asked if could test drive it...you know, to get to know it better.

I found a car I love but college loans will haunt me forever and I didn't qualify for a proper loan (financing is the way i have decided to go) to walk out of the dealership with a car. I am a little sad because I desperately wanted to be in a car this week especially as the weather has plummeted to single digits. Test driving the vehicle I ended up liking was an amazing experience. I haven't actually been behind the wheel of a car for a few years, but as soon as I was the freedom of being able to go where i wanted, when i wanted confirmed why I have been so on edge about getting a car and ridding myself of the public commute life. 

Heather has agreed to help me keep looking and hopefully by the end of the week, I will have wheels. If not, i will continue to be a very unhappy Beckett, who silently curses out her always late bus driver. Literally, he showed up ten minutes late today (and I cannot give him the benefit of the doubt because I am his first stop in the morning) and when I got on the bus, he was casually sipping a Starbucks coffee. It took all of my strength not to pry that coffee from his hands and toss it on the floor and dance on it with my freezing feet.

All of my strength.

I am not one for New Years Resolution and the passage into this year has not been fraught with this desire to make any big or meaningful life changes.BUT i must admit that i am very excited about new beginnings. Things are going well, I am doing okay and I am okay with the trajectory of life at the moment.I am thinking about starting a memory jar, so i can keep a track of all the small and big moments I am proud of this year. I was in such a bad place this time last year, that I am only just beginning to realize that I am taking valuable steps to better myself.