When I started this blog almost 10 years ago, I addressed my concerns about privacy and anonymity head on. I feel comfortable writing freely, honestly and intimately here only because this space is so separate from my real life. My family and friends have no access to this blog, i have used pen names for every person i've written about, and I've had to implement creative licence in splicing events together as to keep my location and real life existence as private as possible.
Remaining anonymous for the most part was easier 10 years ago because social media was different 10 years ago. Facebook was a platform only for college students, Myspace was like HUGE and Youtube was an experiment in video sharing that was unheard of. 10 years ago 'sharing' your organic life with your social media one was like the first season of MTV's The Real World before it got unreal and overproduced and explotive. Social media was a way to share, in the purest sense, your experience with like minded people.
I think the problem now is that social media has exploded and the idea of sharing your life over the interwebs is as normal as brushing your teeth in the morning. We live in an age of 'oversharing'. I literally read a fb post by someone regarding the number of sexual partners she's had (7) and if that made her a slut (the comments agreed it did not because YOLO. excuse me #YOLO). Oversharing has created a culture where everyone feels inherently connected based on the small insights they get from seeing someone's digital presence on Instagram/ Twitter / Facebook / Youtube / Flickr / Vines/ FourSquare /Pinterest...I can keep going.
And I admit I too am guilty of oversharing. I am that annoying person who takes pictures of her food and then instantly has to Instagram it. I'll tag myself when I am out an about at a cool location that I think will make me look interesting and cultured. I love selfies. But in those cases it is because, like most of us, I want to be seen and heard. I want the likes and the affirmation. It's not vain or selfish, it's just being a person.
However that attention, affirmation and desire to be seen does not apply to this blog. My public self is Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest. My public self is Tumblr and Wordpress. This blog is my Private self and if I can be honest my private self is much more important and invaluable to me. This is not to say the two differ that much, I don't want to give the impression that I am leading too very different lives but I do not express myself as fluidly in person as I do here. The cure for my anonymity in public is that i never talk about myself; I am a listener, I ask questions to avoid answering them and I dread being seen because I fear criticism and rejection.
Here, it's different, i've always felt I can write whatever I want, whenever I want without fear. This is the only place I am fearless. And I never expected anyone to ever read this blog and connect with my words and thoughts so much so that you've kept reading. I never thought i'd make such awesome connections with people who I now consider friends. You've always made me feel comfortable sharing my life because it's not an exploitative thing I set out to do and you've respected my privacy all these years.
Obviously this current absence has much to do with a breach in that privacy. While I know no harm was meant by Adrian's comments the fact that we live in a culture where what I share online gives anyway the audacity to be so crass about it freaks me out. Like a lot. I have not shared anything on this blog with the intent of being entertaining or seeking 'followers' or 'fans' who want some insight into my life. I have not shared anything to gain attention. I continue to share because I have had difficulty connecting my thoughts and feelings cohesively and the only time I am able to do so is when I write. Writing is everything to me.
So, yea, I am going to give this a shot again but there is obviously an unspoken rule that everything I write here is personal and not to be degraded in any way, shape or form. There are plenty of other blogs and individuals you can read elsewhere who will put up with that shit but I am not one of them. If you have nothing constructive, supportive, helpful to say please just save it for trolling on youtube videos because this is not the space for you.
For everyone else,who has reached out and wondered how I am doing, I thank you and am always grateful for your support. I'll be back to regularly blogging this week sometime.
Until Then,
Beckett Amelia Hughes
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