Another early moring post.

This whole summer session i have been struggling to wake up at 7am. i even would push it, saying "just 10 more minutes" which meant that i would have to run to my 8 o'clock class. Now since i don't have any classes, i wake up as fresh as daisies and feel the need to do something. WTF.

I have a lot to do today. Mainily study for chem, finishing cleaning up this mess, call loans about this impending rise in the interes rate, and try not to collapse in between.

I always said i loved the morning better than any other time in the day. Mornings are like new beginnings, and i'm a person who needs a lot of them. I'm hoping that my mom gets a place today, i'm hoping life is not"cocking the fuck with me gun" towards her. I'm hoping that she gets to enjoy the darling life we all crave. The darling life is some photographer chick who takes amazing photos. She's like 17 and lives in some place in Georgia but her pictures are astounding. Naturally i was jealous but that was all evaporated wih the types of pictures she takes. I'll try to post a link later (i've just learned how to do links, so you will probably be seeing more of them.)

I feel like as a parent, well through a parent's perspective minus the kids thing, they sacrifice so much to realize that while raising us they not only wish the best for themselves but mainly for their kids. And then as you get older you see how much sacrifice they've gone through and you start wishing the best for them. And this is my wish for her. for life to start giving her breaks. Sure i don't agree with her all the time, and there were patches in time when we did not get along, but deserves a place to rest her head. She deserves a home. Sometimes i want to scream to the heavens, and be like "whats wrong, what is it that makes you shit on her parade". And taking a step back from my own concerns, and own freak out, and meltdowns, i had the time to just wish something good for her to happen. Because she deserves it man.

And because she believes so much in a higher power, i leave it up to fates hand. But it i guess it's always good to get a nice word in their for her.

I feel like Earl, from My name is Earl. Maybe i have to start doing good deeds to see some results. Maybe i can help people and the quarries of life, then fate will start looking fondly back down at me. i guess i wouldn't know how to go about doing that though. But it can't hurt to try.

Time to go sell back my book. Probably get 2 dollars back.

POSTSCRIPT: jesus christ i just talked to the consolidation lady and checked CNN. WTF. By the time most of us graduate college, will be too broke to anything. How are you suppose to educate young americans to grow up and better the world and shit like that, when we can barely afford to go to school. You have lindsey lohan acting like a damn fool on movies, making 1 million a crappy disney movie, and people who actually want to better themselves can't afford to even do that. WTF. WTF. Now i can either consolidate my loans(which are astronomical at this point) giving up my 6 month grace period and having no idea what i will have to pay when i graduate, or have my interest rate go from 4 something to 6 something. Oh...my head hurts. choices. choices. choices.

Somewhere only we know.

Oh...My last psych class was today. Actually I had my final exam today for psych, it was short and I was out in no time. I rarely spoke in the class, and by rarely I mean I never said anything. Which probably stood out in a class of only 7 people. I didn't even think he knew my name, he just assumed I was a person taking up space in a already stuffy room. But he said my name as I left, and I feel like I left my quiet storm demeanor was appreciated.

My moms apartment hunting has left her at square one again. The place that did accept her doesn't allow animals. What kind of bull is that, everyone in the whole world has an animal. I don't know anyone who doesn't have some kind of pet, be it a dog, cat, or fish. I can get an apartment where I go to school that allows pets. Big pets too. We have two cats, one who is afraid of her own shadow and another whose balance is questionable.

That blows the bucket. If I had a place I would have no problem taking them with me, but under the circumstances that is not possible. Luckily I don't have to get rid of them. Cause that wouldn't happen. I'd refuse to go home, and things would get ugly. I don't need to lose a place to live and then lose my smushed face babes(Nina's the grey one, she has that "what the hell are you doing" look because I kept snapping picks. Nelly is my Charlie brown cat, because she lounges around and is the balance challenged one). Ain't happening

My brother is feeling pretty shitty. Which is weird because I swear sometimes he lacks empathy. Yesterday he told my mom he was afraid that he would go through life being a failure. Crushing to hear. Especially when I haven't been on his side lately.

Having a brother is so weird. When I was younger it was awesome. I wasn't a girly girl and the last thing I wanted was a sister who I probably would have had to compete with. He was like the kid I looked up to, the kid I wanted to be like. Teenage years he totally changed. I mean we didn't even want to be near him. He thought he had it all figured out. But I hearing that he's ultimate fear, is also mine, weirds me out. And I felt like a hypocrite telling my mom that she should tell him that you cant' be afraid of failing when you don't even make an attempt to succeed.

But then I'm thinking "wait, isn't that what I do",maybe not to that extent, but I'm fearful of standing out. I'm fearful that what I say or even what I write may be stupid and why even attempt doing it. But we don't know unless we try, unless we allow ourselves to step out there and test the water. So we may not always succeed the first time around, but we can't give up on the small sliver of chance that we might.

My favorite show is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia . It's a hilarious show and if you haven't seen it you are missing out. New Episodes start this Thursday on FX. Had to put in a plug. And I find out this dude, who writes, stars, probably edits, only spent 200 on the pilot. He had been a struggling actor for ten years and finally was fed up with it and went for his dream and made this show, which is now on television.

My favorite quote from the three guys who star and write in the show is "Rob here failed for ten years, a really long time. He failed so much that he should have thrown in the towel, he really should have , but he didn't... Because he couldn't afford a towel."

I guess the point is, how do learn how to stop being afraid. But what makes us afraid. What makes me afraid. And I figure I figure out what that is, which I hit it on the nail, I can being afraid. It' like you have you have to choose your battles, your wants and fight for them. Jump over every obstacle to get there, and them be amazed at what you can do with your life once you have taken the chance on a dream. I can maybe finish something. Maybe even a great novel. Or screenplay. Right now I just want to pass chemistry with a B. Let's start with that battle first.

Safety

My mom is progressing in the home/apartment finding task. At this point I have crowned her mother Teresa for being able to look at my brother without punching him in the face, and I wonder why that Buddhism thing never panned out for me. Kicking people's ass is a big no no in the path to enlightenment

consciously I think I wanted to block out this notion that I have to create a life for myself. It sounds so weird and a known given for transition into adulthood. Leave the nest. Fly on your own wings. I've even mentioned in this blog, this extrodinary need to want to be able to stand on my own two feet. It may even be on my starting over list. Which should really be titled STARTING ANEW. or more truthfully STARTING.

But how easy it was turn to one's parents when things went wrong and got scary. How easy it is to hide under the covers, pretend nothing is wrong, and sleep the pain away. My main fear and anxiety attack arising on Thursday was not from losing a home. because in all aspects that home isn't really my home anymore. Sure it is a place full of love and safety and the comforts that I love to go back to. But it isn't a nest I have created for myself. It was just this facade of safety I allowed myself to hide behind, not for getting protection from the world, but to hide from it.

Instead of being gently guided from the nest I was thrown from it. And the moment I wanted to run, the moment I wanted to hide away and pretend it never happened, was the moment that I learned that I couldn't. That I shouldn't. That I must soldier on.

I'm still pissed. But soldiering on none the lest. The summer seems to be going by fast and slow at the same time. I don't know if that is possible. This summer session is ending on Thursday, where I head back home, pack to move, get ready for summer classes at Marie's University, and get ready for classes to begin here at the end of August. I'm really excited about the new school semester. More crushes, more crazy people in classes, hopefully a better social life. It's all about the possibilities, and right I'm counting on those possibilities.

I'm guess I'm just ready to start my own nest. My safety net. My place to return back to. This whole experience has jolted a realization into me. It like was like someone pushed the start button, and took me off the pause button I was resting on. I need a job(preferably the university library, I worked in my highschool library for 4 years. If that's not being qualified than I don't know what is) and car(which would require a license) and maybe everything will fall into it's place.

Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Kbryna. I hope your birthday is all that you wished it would be.

Today it your day, celebrate, have fun , and remember that you are cherished by many

I admire your strength and only hope for the best.

Once again Happy Birthday and remember that you are truly valued.

Beckett-

A little Jamie Cullum and Dane Cook later...

and I am feeling a little better.

It's not every day that you hear you are going to be moving in less than 3 weeks, and especially under such stupid circumstances.

Last night my mind was going through a million things. Today it's still running through a lot of things. I have opted for hiding in my room for now.

I hate how calm everyone sounds. I hate how they decided to "wait" and tell me, and try to rationalize the whole situation "but we wanted to move anyway" "the new place is really cute, smaller then we are used to but, it's only temporary."

I guess what made me stop freaking out so much was the realization that I barely am home. I spend at least 8 months out of the year at school, and in 2 more years I will be in Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Boston, Seattle, Chicago, or NYC.

I guess I just like the idea of home. Sure the place we were living in wasn't the Ritz or anything. And almost daily we talked about how much we wanted to leave. But I assumed it was leaving to move into a house(the house in particular being the one pictured above), instead of the apartments we have always lived in. I figured we leave on our own accord and not forced to leave because my brothers a jackass.

I guess the crushing thing is that reality once again is smacking me in the face and reminding me that life is often filled with thorns. Which sucks when I'd rather just smell the roses. I guess in a way I have to grow up a little, I have to stop relying on my mom and brother to be a sense of security for what a home is. I guess it is time to create my sense of security, of something I can return back to.

Home is about security. It is these walls that should be Impenetrable. To me, home is like a fortress. It's place that one can escape to. It's a sanctuary and a hidden place where I like to hide from the world. And more than anything I feared those walls being invaded. And I feared my hidden space would be found. But what I never expected was that it would an inhabitant of that place who let an invader in, who let what happen to take place, who was not securely guarding our walls.

Creepy Horoscope of the day:"Home and family responsibilities are distracting you from things you wish you could do. Parental duties may call, whether or not you have children of your own, for you are attracted now to the kind of security that a child should have in early life. You may want to create this for yourself or someone else. Either way, it's a good idea to honor the ideal mother and father, even if they are not your real parents" BIZARRE HUH...

So what lessons have I learned from this pivotal experience in my life:

That I'm sick of learning pivotal life altering lessons. I get it. Skins gotta be tough. But good lord I don't think I can take anymore things being thrown at me. I feel like I've earned my badge of courage.

But I guess mainly I've learned that I have to create the security and home for myself. I have to create that fortress and be in charge of keeping it protected. I was reluctant to want to be the Zach Braff character from Garden State.

Time to go write. I have 4 four screenplays. Each different but hopefully showing my range for story telling. Once I feel comfortable with the fine details of the conceptualized idea I'll hopefully write a short dialogue. Who knows.

I don't know how to begin this entry....

disturbing news.

How fucked up family life is right now. And i am angry and sad . I want to run, i want to hide, i want to not exist. I want to shout to God, or make whatever is eating at me go away. I want to stop hyperventilating. I want to hit something. I want to cry on someone's shoulder. But mainly i want to not exist. i want to fade away. I want to hide under a big rock, to escape this drowning feeling that is enveloping me. But i want to shout to God or whoever it is that dicatates fate.

That took my grandmotther away, that made my dad stop calling, that in an instant can give you such hope and then rip it away. And i'm angry. Because i feel like the God my mom prays to continually shits on her and us. And makes it extrodinarily impossible to believe that anything will ever get better. That a dark cloud is our calling name. No matter how hard you try.

My brother fucking got us evicted from the townhouse we've been living in.

One of his "friend of a friend" brought a gun to our house and was playing it with, which led it to going off in like three other people's places. No one got hurt. The "friend" jetted from our place. And now we have to LEAVE. NO FUCKING LIE

I don't get it. I don't feel like i'm a bad person, and i know shit happens. I know it. But i'm sick of shit happening to us. I'm so sick of crying. And i can feel nothing right now but an all consuming anger or sadness or despair. And i didn't even want to write an bad entry. I wrote a nice about about memories and how clear i was feeling and plans.

I know i feel shattered and sad. Mainly sad. I want to run and go anywhere but here.. A girl whose main purpose is trying to find her way home and i literally don't have one now. I keep thinking it's a joke. I keep runing through my mind that this is all just a joke. A horrible horrible joke. But i know that it isn't and that 30 days from last friday we have to find a new place to live.

And though she(my mom) has reassured me that she has already found a place to stay, the emptiness is still there. I feel lost. I want to talk to my dad. I want to talk to someone and then i realized that i don't have anyone.

That i'm crumblng and the cloud is very dark. I am not atlas. I can not hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. And i have succumb to it.

Is it so bad to want things to be right. to not always be poor little me.

My room isn't my room anymore. My home isn't my home anymore. I am floating aimlessly. And the bottom is looking pretty spikey. I was home last week. I was in my bed. I was cuddled in the sheets. I was sleeping like a baby. I was just getting use to even calling it a home,and now it isn't.

I'm sorry guys. I didn't intend for this to be a bad post i promise. Forgive the grammatical errors, and forgive.... everything. I don't know.

If you want you to find me i'll be curled up under my bed. My head is spinnning.

Postscript: i posted the other blog i had intended to be the only post today.

Snowed In

Today as I was daydreaming in psych class, a pastime of mine, a wave of memories came flooding to me. It was so bizarre, the professor is going on and on about graphs, girl across from me have a severe case of blank face, the guy from Ohio is lightly tapping my chair with his foot, and the only thing I can think is "wow he kind of looks like a younger Marlon Brando". No lie.

Halfway through class, my professor brings up things that could have a negative influence on doing experiments. One of them are environmental factors, such as time of day, if their is construction going on, and as an exaggeration he said "even if there was some blizzard or something".

Who knows why this word triggered such a response in my mind, but all of a sudden I remembered that 10 years ago I was happy, precocious ten year old. My brother and I contribute 1996 as one of the best years of our lives.

Our summers were spent going to cookouts, Joe the ice-cream man, and fourth of July at White Plains High school.

During the fall, I got my first violin. School was the best. I meet my three best friends, and future crush of all time(also the first and last time I got detention).

In the spring, my brother and joined a club after school devoted to cooking. My mom and James took us(me and my brother and his two kids who were basically like our siblings) to parks, were we played baseball and Frisbee and had picnics with along the Hudson.

It was amazing. Ten years ago I was the happiest I could have ever been. But the fondest memories are from the winter. And him mentioning blizzards brought back my first encountered with the Blizzard of 96'.

Something about being a kid allows you to look in the face of potentially dangerous situations as an adventurous mission. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. If anyone has gone to school in the northeast you know that contrary to popular belief school does not always get cancelled if it snows.

I was in the fourth grade, and we were listening to the radio to see how bad the storm would be. As a precaution to..I don't know hysteria, our school decided to put all the kids in the auditorium. The funniest hour EVER. One by one we got dismissed. The kids whose rides were waiting outside got to leave as first. They were usually dismissed before they packed the rest of us (busriders/walkers) in the auditorium. One by one the bus kids left and if you(the walkers) were lucky enough you could sneak out with them and be on your way.

If you were lucky you had to wait until the walkers were dismissed, who were usually dismissed last assuming they didn't have far to walk. I lived 5 blocks from my school which was far but not so far that they would send a bus to Beacon Hall apartments(home to some famous movie stars from the 20's). As soon as I got outside I wanted to turn around and go back inside.

It was freezing cold, the wind was smacking my face(which hurt the most) and the gloves were not keeping my small hands warm. I was a small kid, who was as skinny as a pole. I felt as if it any moment I would blow away, and I had barely stepped from the school grounds.

I don't even know how I made it as far as I did. Me and snow have a history. My mom loves to tell the story of how I almost died when I was young due to scarlet Fever. I was a blue as the ocean, she says, and she had no idea what to do. Scarlet Fever is not a pleasant illness for a baby. So she took me outside, it was snowing real bad, sat down with me cradled in her arms, and rocked meuntil my fever went down. Which it did.

So walking home that sky, teeth chattering, shoes soaked, hands freezing, all I could think was "round two: Beckett vs. Snow". The halfway mark to our apartment was a hardware store(I thought). I knew that as soon as I got there, I would walk three more blocks through the nice neighborhood, to get to Beacon Hall. But I began getting overwhelmed by the storm. You think something as beautiful as snow would not be so crushing on the body. But along with the wind, the already 2ft on the ground, and my now soaked clothes it was becoming harder and harder to walk. So I decided to stop just to catch my breath, just to get more momentum to walk. Luckily I stopped right in front of the store, which I assumed was just an store that was closing. It never looked open. We passed it so many times and never saw anyone go in it.

But just as I was about to begin walking again the door open and a dark haired man with glasses called me in. Even though you learn the "don't talk to strangers" deal. In the face of frozen fingers that precaution flies out the window and instead you think...Heat. He owned the store for a couple of years, it wasn't really a hardware store, it was a cabinet. His specialty. I took of my wet jacket and gloves, following him around the store, becoming amazed with cabinets. He showed me the phone where I called my mom and told her where I was and that I would be home as soon as the snow let up.

He made cocoa for the both of us, and I sat around the cabinet store for at least an hour talking with the cabinet man. It is one of te fondest memories I have of that year. I headed home saying goodbye as soon as the snow let up. I don't think I ever went inside the place again, but made sure to at least wave when I went to and from school.

I don't know why that memory popped in my head today. I don't know why any of it came rushing back. Realizing that it has 10 years since...I don't know. Since I wondered who I would be I was 20. Where I thought I would be. Let downs, highlights, and such...Was kind of surreal, in an okay kind of way. I guess the feeling comes from realizing that you've changed so much but also not at all. That 10 years ago I was living my highest highs, and 10 years later I am slowly trying to recover from my lowest lows. I feel like today it all came full circle.

Like, just like that day snowed in with the man and his cabinets, sipping on cocoa and waiting for my hands to warm up where all symbolic to where I am now. I feel like in a lot of ways I am still snowed in, waiting for the storm to let up so I can head home. I can only express it as being content with how far I've come. Refreshing.

This week has been very tiring. A test, a quiz, a lab and then more summer school planning dilemma for summer session 2. I've been dragging around, having problems sleeping and have experienced another idiot pulling the fire alarm at 1am. Needless to say I am ready to go home,eat something other than frozen food, and sleep in a bed bigger than a twin size.

I'm really looking forward to the school year starting. I have decided to attend a meeting for the student run magazine. It's more creative than writing for the newspaper and it may be just the outlet I am looking for to meet friends and write. I also hope to start working at a job that doesn't require me to ask if they want fries and a soda with that.

When we were very young

"Where am I going? I don't quite know.

Down to the stream where the king-cups grow --

Up on the hill where the pine-trees blow --

Anywhere, anywhere. I don't know.

Where am I going? The clouds sail by,

Little ones, baby ones, over the sky.

Where am I going? The shadows pass,

Little ones, baby ones, over the grass.

If you were a cloud, and sailed up there,

You'd sail on water as blue as air,

And you'd see me here in the fields and say:

"Doesn't the sky look green today?"

Where am I going? The high rooks call:

"It's awful fun to be born at all.

"Where am I going? The ring-doves coo:

"We do have beautiful things to do."

If you were a bird, and lived on high,

You'd lean on the wind when the wind came by,

You'd say to the wind when it took you away:

"That's where I wanted to go today!"

Where am I going? I don't quite know.

What does it matter where people go?

Down to the wood where the blue-bells grow --

Anywhere, anywhere. I don't know."

When i little Kindergarten cop was my favorite movie. We still have the VHS from the early 90's, and it is all worn out from all the times i played it. Watching the movie today reminded me of my dad. It being fathers day reminds me of my dad. But mainly it reminded me of how much i miss him.

I miss him so much it hurts.

Taking Risks

That is a view from my window, mid afternoon, while I am trying to take a nap. The kid has the biggest drum set I have ever seen. Add that with the 100 boys sending Lean On Me, and you now have an idea of what I have been going through for the past week. Today the babes from Toyland are gone and all has returned to normal, hopefully.

In other news I talked to my mother on the phone for 2 hours last night. And by last night I mean until 12am. I hadn't talked to her all day due to the hectic week she has had on the job. By Tuesday she was already mumbling, because she was getting up at 1am to go to work, and then crashed as soon as she got home. Talking to her was like talking to Zombie, minus the attempt to eat my brain scenario. But basically it was :

Me: Hey Mom
Mom: [long pause, incoherent words, maybe a hey or two]
Me: Alright I'll talk to you later

She didn't take well to the not talking to me thing, so decided what better time to call one's daughter but at 10:30 pm.

My mom is wanting to buy a house. We live in a townhouse now, which basically is like a pseudo house. After living in apartments the majority of our lives, moving into a townhouse was a huge step up. 6 years later, we have outgrown townhouse living and want to venture into bigger and better things.

Listening to my moms concerns about buying a house and all this stuff, brings up reminders of my own inability to feel secure in decisions I make. I seem to be really good at giving advice to other people. Marie told me it was my advice on "sure he may not be really cute, but he has everything else, and that makes up for it" that led her to snag her Boyfriend. I constantly gave Katherine advice, and while on the phone last night with my mother I reminded her that sometimes taking risks and pushing past the fear is worth the outcome that will arise once you get past being worried.

And then as I lay in bed(the beautiful mess below where I rest my head) I contemplated my problems with taking risks. Here I am telling my mom to take a chance, sure it's scary, sure it's a big leap, but taking risks are apart of life and what could be wrong with trying.

Hypocrite.

I don't remember a time where I have ever really took a risk.
Approaching Art Boy. Nope.
Trying with all my might to make friends and get to know people. Not really.
This whole finishing a screenplay. Still on page 2.

I think I have approached this concept before. But until last night I didn't realize how truly afraid I am.Not taking risks all arises from fear. Fear of failing. Fear of being rejected. Fear of having my worst scenario come true. and maybe even a fear of succeeding. But in doing so, in living in such fear of taking risks I miss out on what could be if I had had more belief in my ability to do something great. To become this stable and secure person I feel I can become.

Walking back from subway today, I realized that taking risks are a pivotal part of life. Because risks are where dreams reside. Risks are potentials. And maybe instead of worrying about all the things that could wrong with taking a chance, maybe I look at the possibility of what could happen if I actually did.

In response to my last entry and concerns that maybe this is as Good As it will get, it is just another way of saying maybe I am too scared for it to get any better. But I can't live in fear forever, some where along the lines this bird is going to have to spread her wings and fly.

Or at least take a risk in knowing that I am capable of more than I give myself credit for.

So...I have decided to minor in English (with a certain guidance from the blog world) and am mapping out at least what I will do academically for the next two years.

and a theme for the screenplay I am diligently working on (which means I at least have a plot) is about risks. More details when I get past character names. I really suck with coming up with names for characters. Suggestions would really help.

Back to lounging on a Saturday afternoon.

Consistently Average.

This week(technically classes for summer end on a Thursday instead of a friday) has been filled with tests,exams, fire alarms being pulled, and finding out that i have less than 3 weeks to apply to take classes at a University near home that i was not planning to take(damn tech school starts classes for summer session today, which is kind of stupid). It has now come to the end of the week, and i am just exhausted. Summer session flies by so fast, that before you now it the end of June will be here, and the whole process will begin again. I guess i just need time for my body to catch up to the rate my mind has been moving.

Katherine is no longer taking Chem. Go figure.

I predicted this before i can to summer school, that she would find some way to get out of doing something hard. At this rate she will either graduate when she is 60, and become a "legit" doctor in her mid 70's. Or she will realize that she will just have to go marry a doctor and be content with that. It sounds a little harsh, but when you talk to her she is always "i have a 4.0 GPA" not telling the person that she has only taken english,music, and women classes.

She dropped out of math last semester, so i wasn't really surprised when i didn't see her on Monday for class, or Tuesday. She later came into lab to tell me that she is taking the lab, but can't take the lecture portion(including taking the tests) because of time conflicts. You know because she has kids and all. One of which is old enough to babysit for 2 hours while she is in class, did i mention the husband that is there, or even a babysitter. Just saying. Seems kind of weird to me to all of a sudden worry about conflicts with time right before a big test on wednesday.

Nevertheless i am free of her pathetic anticts, only seeing her briefly before lab, and when she offers me a ride to the gym which I accept. Because it is hot.

Chem is going alright. I am at least passing all the tests, but i feel like i can do so much better. I feel like the info is all in my brain and the moment i have to prove i understand the material, it goes right out the window. I call it being consistently average, and have of course manage to relate it to my current state of blah.

In all retrospect i have been flying clear of the deepening edge of despair and confusion for the most part. I feel a little brave about the future from time to time. I even feel like one day i am going to cross paths with happiness and continue only up from there. But there are those times when i fear that maybe this is as good as it'll get. Like the title of the movie that Jack Nicholson was in.

I know things are looking up, or at least i have an ounce of faith that it will get better. But there are days when i can't help but feel like THIS IS IT. Maybe i'm suppose to just be on the outskirts, maybe i'm just a loner, maybe i should just accept fate.

Of course throwing in the towel is always easier than finishing the fight, and the only reason i keep my hopes up that things will get better is because i see so much potential in myself, i see that i can accomplish anything with a little push towards what i want. I figure that for those who do like me(Marie and my Mom) they see something in me, which keeps them believing that i continue on to greater things. I just have to stop myself from just wanting to throw in the towel.

I don't want to linger in the consistently average pool. I cant sit here and believe that i was meant to be just be apart of the fixtures. I want and need something more than this. I want and need to be finally be happy or at least pleasantly content with the way things can and will be. I want apart of the world.

I never realize how hard that would be.

I'm tired and need to take a nap, of course those damn boys(whose last day is tomorrow) are having some weird party, loudness outside. I can't wait til they leave.

Nap time.

Shoot me now.

I think i may have mentioned that my school is holding some weird boys bonding/summer camp/academic shin ding here. They put a note under our doors saying they would be here from monday to the end of this week. It has been the first day of Boys invading campus, and it is like hell on earth.

Other than having 2oo+ middle school and high school boys running around swearing the are gods gift to women, and making sure to stare you down as if you are suppose to take interest in them, they have become a annoyance.


Wherever you turn you can almost make certain that there will be a group of boys shouting their weird "we are a united front" chant, going single filled down the street.

On the way to class, there they were.

Going to the Bookstore. There they are.

And just when i thought i could escape them in the gym, as i was attempting to get in shape. Who do i see but 100+ boys crossing the street at the same time, heading in the same direction. I clearly wasn't the only one fed up. Many people got up from their machines and moved away, i stayed until the kid beside me starting being dumb on the machine so his friends would laugh and see how "cool" he is. I rolled my eyes, finished my 2o minutes, discovered that i lost 5 lbs and am now in my dorm.

Of course now there they are having band pratice right outside my window, as i try to study for a chem test i have on wednesday.

Why put a note saying we should be respectul of the guest, when there are 15 boys outside playing their instruments and things.

Time to study and watch Hell's Kitchen. I think Chef Ramsay is kind of cute, in that He'll make you cry sort of way.

I got a new laptop

I headed home this weekend knowing I would either a) get my fixed old computer or B) a new computer.

But unlike me, the hesitant shopper, my mom saw a computer on Friday at best buy that she wanted to buy. Of course this is the same mother who has problems sending and checking email. So while she was two hours away at Best Buy, I was on the phone with her listening to the some dude ramble on about the perks of the computer my mom was seconds away from buying.

I on the other hand was not feeling really overly excited. I wanted to be there when she bought it, I wanted to be a part of the process, I wanted to really make sure I didn't get a crappy machine. Since I couldn't be there I instead got on the phone with the best buy man shooting questions left and right, being slightly confused with computer language, and then caving in and believing the dude and giving the okay with the purchase.

Of course the next day she picks me up, and what I see is quite frightening. It is this huge, not at all sleek and cute laptop I once had. Instead it is replaced with a boxy, widescreened, boys dream, girl's nightmare, weapon of mass destruction. I was mortified. It isn't an ugly computer, just not the cute one I had envisioned the night before. Of course I grinned and bared it. I figure, I'm lucky to have gotten another computer, yet alone one that was highly recommended by the best buy guy.

I was having second thoughts though and voiced that opinion to my mother yesterday. I just wanted to go back and hear it from the horses mouth that this was actually a good computer. I of course had all intentions of going back and hoping to exchange it for the one that I wanted. The one I wanted was a hundred dollars less, and apparently sucks a whole lot more, but I was throwing the "don't judge a book by it's cover" mantra out the window, and was willing to suffer the pain and agony of a slower computer for it's lightweight, sleek exterior. Shame.

When we get there the guy in the computer aisle is there to talk me down from my fears and anxieties. He name is Jeremy and I may have went to highschool with him. I hate recognizing a face but have no clue where I remember the person from. I feel like I am invalidating their life, by having no remembrance of their existence. Usually that is a good thing when seeing someone you may have despised in school. Make eye contact yet pretend like you have no idea who they are. But Jeremy may have been one of the shy kids like me, who just so happened to fade in the back.

He was kind of a close talker, but my mom and I noted that he had a soft voice like an angel. Well that's what my mother said. He has crazy shoulder length blond hair, and glasses and she said she expected angels to fall from the sky descending down the radiant light that seemed to surround him. Now you know where I get my imagination from.

He had soothing presence though and eventually I got over the computers boyishness and am happy with my new computer. It's silver and the keys barely make a noise when I am typing on them. The screen is wide, which I guess is good if I want to watch movies on the thing. And apparently it has all the other cool things, that I probably never use, but what the hell...I don't have to spend 3 hours in the library everyday now.

The first thing I did when I got back to school was download itunes. Now because all my tunes have no disappeared into la la land, I have to wait until I can find all my cd's and put them back into my library. FORTUNATELY, with living in a dorm I somehow get other people's music library on mine. Usually it is disappointing, many people have questionable music taste. But Patricks Music(whoever you are) will carry me through until I get my own collection back.

He has the Boss, Iron Maiden, The WallFlowers, Eric Clapton, Peter Gabriel, and Audioslave. He also has the Garden State soundtrack, along with several minutes of Chris Rock material. I am now afraid I must find Patrick and Marry him. He did have some bizarre choices though, like a full Jennifer Lopez album and a Toni Braxton song. ???? I can forgive him though because he had THE CLASH.

All in all this weekend wasn't a waste.

Fathers day is coming up, and I'm kind of dreading it. My grandma died almost a year ago to the day, and she was the closest thing to my dad. Any memory we have growing up and being with our dad she was always a constant figure in those memories.

You think a year later, I would be okay with the whole thing. But I guess not knowing how sick she was, and now realizing how distant we were from her, doesn't lessen the guilt I feel from not doing more to tell her I appreciated her. I guess that is why getting over someone's death is not easy, because it isn't about letting go, it's about always loving that person you can never get back. It's living with the daily reminder that she won't be apart of the important things, the simple things, but mainly the thing things.

Goodnight and Go

With my broken computer, useless desktop computer, and long summer classes I finally have time to write something.

It seems that I will be getting a new computer this weekend. My mom is taking money out of here "we need to move" fund and is going to buy me a new computer, and later on fix my old one for her own use, or as I like to call it "how to get hold of daughter through another means of communication".

Though I was very sad on Monday, I figure I guess it's good that I am at least getting a new computer, one that a) works b) won't turn off every 20 minutes.

I have been going to the gym lately. The gym here is the most awesome thing I have encountered. Other then the TV's hooked up to the machine, making 20 minutes go by a little faster, the facility is huge and private. So while I work out, I am not gawked at by older men trying to pick up a lovely younger lady. Kind of creepy if you ask me.

I don't know what has come over me. I just want to start making a good first impressive visually. I have been walking around like the long lost Olsen triplet. Decked in baggy clothes, that literally hang on me and getting lost in the backdrop. I don't want to continua not having a good set of friends. But I guess I have to put some effort into it. I can't expect them to fall into my lap. If that was the case, life would be a lot less traumatic.

Katherine has been bugging the hell out of me. But I have been doing a good job of pretending like I am cool with her to survive through the month of June. She is pretty much a daily reminder of what I don't want in a friend. And if I continue on the path of letting people pick me as their friends, I will continue to meet people like her.I think she is literally trying to suck the fountain of youth from me.

The other night I was in bed again( I get a lot of my inspiration lounging in that room), and I was thinking of the fact that I am only 20 years old. Being surrounded by people who are up to 20 years older then me, is taking it's told. So I am wise, and mature, and seem to have my shit together for a young person. But there are times when I just want to be young. I have all this freedom, and luckily no responsibility to enjoy being young, and the last thing I want to do is wake up one day and realize that I let it all pass me by. That I was so worried about getting things done, that I never really experienced things.

A huge part of life, is gathering the stories from your experiences, but if I become to frightened to have them, I will have a wasted life. That is probably my greatest fear(up their with killer clowns. Just kidding. They are kind of creepy though.) I fear being too afraid to do things. Which is basically what I am doing. Maybe this is a summer of small changes. I feel like I am getting it now. Like I am hearing what everyone is saying and finally applying them to my life. I am not going to change who I am, but I have to grow comfortable with maturing the aspects of who I am. Mainly I have to stop hiding. No one will find me, if I chose a hiding place.

In other bizarre news: In the beginning of summer session there were three of us in the apartment. I am pretty sure I am the only one living in this huge apartment. Maybe they have gone off and are staying with friends. But normal signs of life, other then me, living in their is none.

I of course have no problem with this. Having a big place by myself is awesome. I can lounge around in a tank and shorts no problem. I could move my TV out into the living room and lounge, lounge, lounge...but because I don't want my mess to follow me into the living room I have held back and just left my door open.

The nights are kind of creepy though. There are no sounds of life, and these damn pigeons have huddled near my window, cooing into the night. Doesn't help when I decide to watch an Episode of Tales from the Crypt before going to bed. And then I wake up and find a note under the door,it was under everyone's door, notifying residents that the complex is having Stalker problems. What the hell are Stalker problems? is someone walking up and down the hall stalking? I have no clue.

I'm going to a festival this weekend. I'll try to take pictures of my town. It's kind of pretty.

Oh and I'll be posting a entry that I saved and just forgot to post. It's about my embarrassing adventure on Tuesday with an unknown wonder bra.

Was it something I said?

Warning the next post will be about Bra's. Particularly a bra I got for a gift. If you are at all offended my bra's and what are contained in them, I sincerely apologize. I don't have an affinity for talking about my bra or what is in them, but it is a pivitol part of the story. You've been warned.

My mom tries very hard to inject some of the feminine things to me. It's not that I shun being girly, it's just that I'm not annoying about it. I don't squeal when I see a nice purse, shopping is a hassle, and I like T-shirts and jeans.

"Cute" is in my vocabulary but not when describing clothes. Nonetheless, she makes a habit of going into stores and buying me bra's and underwear that should never see the light of day or night. I figure since she bought them I minus well put them to use, but that is usually only on dirty laundry day.

Even though I will be at school for only a month, I didn't see the big deal of bringing a whole lot of clothes. My mother, didn't think so. And did the "backseat packing" for me. She happened to pack those bra's I haven't even attempted to wear.

That was until today. What a bad idea.

So these bra's are the biggest things I have ever seen. After looking, examining, and then wondering why there seemed to be a little cushion in the front, I decided to give it a go and head out into the world.

As I passed the mirror I noticed I was looking a little...How do I put it....HUGE. I did a double take and literally was like "where did those things come from." I dropped my bookbag, headed back to my room and decided that I needed to change, but looked at the time and saw I had 15minutes to make it all away to the other side of campus, and maybe I was exaggerating.

If anyone has seen Madonna in the Cones outfit, that is how I looked. It was like Marilyn Monroe just without the really short skirt and wind.

I put the "you are looking a little busty today" Behind me, think I was just being self conscious, maybe I had shrunk the t-shirt, trying to ignore the fact that this gift was a little to big and pointy for me.

So the whole day I am getting stares. I was thinking "wow maybe I look extremely cute today, and boys are finally starting to notice". I of course couldn't even zip up my normally fitted jacket because of cone bra. 20 weird stares later and the end of class, I am walking to the bookstore where some 13 year old, who is visiting the school with his camp or something, nearly knocks me off the sidewalk by crashing into the cone bra he was staring at. Katherine also notice, and was a little jealous by the attention I was getting. At this point, pointy bra, I am still not considering is the factor to all the stares from men.

So I head to the library to get look in a mirror. I want to see what everyone has been staring at all day. That has made men turn their heads towards me, and knock into me. Could it be my gorgeous face? My eyes, my nose, or maybe my lips. My skin is glowing today, the new moisturizer must be working? No

First glimpse I get of myself and I have these Huge boobs staring back at me, nearly knocking me in the chin, and they clearly aren't mine. Cone bra has traveled so high up, I look like a pornish pinup girl. The size of the things are only enhanced because my jacket won't close, so I've been wearing it half zip, making cone bra and boobs look all inviting.

I looked like I was nursing, those things were so huge.

After making the "Where the hell did these come from again" face. I made a quick exit out of the library, holding a notebook to my chest and headed back to my dorm. As soon as I got back, that bra was off quicker then ever, and discarded deep, deep in my drawer.

My mom laughed harder then I've heard her laugh, of course at my embarrassment. The things were a 36C and PADDED!!!!

I would like to report that things have since returned to normal. A size decrease and paddless bra later, cone shaped boobs are no more.

Now I must go back and hide in embarrassment.

There's been a death.

My laptop is dead. Dead. Dead. dead.

Okay not really dead, but with the run around best buy and Hp have been giving my less these tech saavy mother, it minus well be a death.

A moment of silence please.

So the problem still happens to be that my monitor won't come on. As far as they know, my computer memory(lets hope) still functions, but the cost of fixing the LCD light/monitor/hoopla is 600!!!!!!. 1/2 the original cost of the damn thing.

My mom instant reaction was "i've been saving some money and why don't we just get you a new one" Sounds good right. By new she means something around half the cost of my current laptop.

My first reaction to this news was not a pleasant one. I could either get an A) less expensive laptop without all the cool perks and speed, and general coolness of my current one. or B) stick with my old one, hopefully have all my saved documents on it, and live happily ever after. I am hoping for Plan B.

The thought of losing all that work and having a almost functionally computer lay around the house, collecting dust and the probing hands of my "maybe if i poke it, it will work" mother, is not the best alternative.

I want MY laptop back. With animal cracker crumbs between the keys. I want all my unfinsihed scripts back.I WANT my iTunes and 40- 50 songs and 2 videos i bought, along with almost 1500 songs.

I don't want to be a Joni Mitchell lyric. Cause i know and appreciate what i have now. F*cking Barnes and Noble Guy, if i just would have stayed home and not tried to be all cute my computer would not be in this mess.

I'll fight for it, like i fought for my room. I'm feeling kind of down now.Like a punished child. Like something i did made this whole mess more worse than it should have been. I know thats absurd, but let me wallow for a while.

And forgive me for the pic. Hot JRM face can only soothe me right now.

Landed

It's so hot right now in the library. I didn't know that the library opened at 1. Assuming that it was open at 12, I headed down here. Only to get to the door, see the "we don't open until 1" sign and then have to wait 30 minutes in the heat until it opens. I wasn't counting on it being hot in here also, and wish I had stayed back in bed.

My chem test is tomorrow. How fun. Even though I feel I know the material backwards and forward, I have the unnerving fear that I will screw it up. My mind will draw a blank and all the assurance of my knowledge will have flown right out the door.

Damn me and my insecurities.

I was thinking of that while laying in bed last night.It was 1am in the morning and after watching a ridiculous episode of the twilight zone, the thought pop in my head. I skirted on the issue, tossed and turned, and then woke up with it still fresh on my mind.

I don't know where all the self critical bull comes from. I mean I have heard of the "you are your own worst critic" but I seem to have taken it to the limit. I seemed so worried that no one will see my potential and take a chance on me that I neglect to see that I don't see my potential and have yet to take a chance on being me.

I wish I could pinpoint the moment I stopped believing in myself. I wish I could go back in time and tell young me that I am worth more than I give myself credit for.

I usually hate going back and reading my old entries. 1) because of spelling mistakes(usually forgotten words or letters. Spell checker is not my friend) but 2) because I may regret what I wrote.

But this morning I was brave. I went back and read some old entries. And sometimes I forget that I am the person writing those entries. I see so much potential in the girl who spews out those entries. And as I took an objective step back, reading it with new lenses ,it was as if I saw what other people see, which is someone who may not always have it together, but who are making progressive steps to getting there.

Sometimes I forget Who I am. It's weird, cause I guess you are always suppose to know who you are, but become self doubting, and think I can't do things, and forget that...I'm okay. How weird that is to write. But I forget that I can do it. Whatever it is.

I was thinking back to any time someone has taken a chance on me. Who has saw something in me that they wished to pursue and push and help me develop. And that each and everytime, I have resisted their help. I mainly thought of my speech teacher. It's guilt that has me think of him often. I think of how the next three years in high school were very awkward between us. I hid from him in the halls ,I barely spoke to him when he addressed me. He for me is the prime example of someone who saw something in me, who extended a hand, and who I ultimately pushed away.

I pushed him and everyone else away, because I don't see the things they see in me.

After the end of all the dodging, and with my graduation looming, I was going to write a thank you card to him. I had written one to my English,physics, and chem teacher, but knew he was the one I needed to thank the most. It simply said "thank you for helping me find my voice", but I wasn't brave enough to hand it to him. I wasn't brave enough to let my guard down.

In reading past entries I realize that I do have a strong sense of who I am. Hopefully I don't make any excuses for my pitfalls and down days, but like most things I resist change. I resist evolving. And it's because in the back of my head, is this idea drilled into me that "this is it, it cannot get any better".

Life is so weird sometimes. As a kid you learn "sticks and stones may break my bones but words may never hurt me". They may not hurt you, but they leave their mark, like an imprint in time, and I'd do anything to go back and assure myself that "it can get better than this, that I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for"

But mainly that it doesn't hurt all the time. That surviving is only half the battle.

"Season Song"

Season Song-current song playing on iPod.

Once again I am in the library, wasting time while being productive. The summer session has actually gone by fairly well. Chem is becoming easier and easier, and Psych though boring will be an easy A.

Usually while I sit in my psych class(composed of 7 students and a teacher who kind of speaks like Woody Allen), all I can think about is how the study of psychology takes away the mystery of human beings. I use to think I wanted to know why people did the things the do. Why are people sad, why do people commit certain acts and other such things. But I realized that asking all those questions and hoping to gain some answer takes away from all the beauty that is humanity.

I guess I don't want to know it all. I like mysteries and secrets. I don't want to analyze why people do the things they do. What makes people so interesting is that we have so many dimensions and angles. That we are complex and the same. Study psychology doesn't make it fun to understand humans. It takes away from all the surprising nature humans have. And instead of feeling like I am getting some greater understanding of people, I feel disconnected from people by turning every action humans do into some new objective we can study.

So then...what is that I like?....(insert a time span of five minutes here which I just spent staring at the keys)...and if money weren't involved(as in "will I be able to live comfortably when I get older") what would I do?

The hard truth is that I LOVE writing. But I don't there are any careers where I can just make money writing journals. If that was the case I'd be set. (oh..and don't get me wrong, MED school is still on the top of my "WHAT I WANT TO DO LIST". But I have heard plenty of people get to a point in med school(or any job) where they can't take it, and end up switching career choices. I'd like to keep the possibility open now, just in case).

I took journalism in High school and was so restricted on what I could write I vowed never to do it again. Journalism seems so restrictive. There are deadlines, editors to deal with, and my rough patch...GRAMMAR. I like writing more freely and about thoughts instead of actions and events that happened.

I love reading which is why I thought ENGLISH, but I'm a selective reader. I get bored real quickly and even glance at the last page to get a novel over with. Though I survived British lit, I understood what my previous English teachers had told me when they said I was better with creative writing than critical writing.

I could never write a Novel. I have problems finishing things because a thousand ideas run through my head. And I doubt I will write the next DaVinci Code.

FILM is something I have always loved, but millions of people write screenplays. I mean seriously there are so many kids out there writing the "next big thing", I feel like sometimes my aspirations are just childhood fantasies and not reality.

Which is then why I though of history. But then what can you do with a minor in history, other than know interesting, but how relevant, info. Unless I decide to go into law but I don't know how interested I am in law, other than watching an excessive amount of Court TV in my spare time.

Philosophy would be interesting...but then again what kind of job could a philosopher get. I could rant my theories to an audience of unwilling listeners.

Geez, why don't I just work for the CIA or something. Jack Bauer has a pretty cool job and so did Sidney Bristow from Alias. And even Tom cruise in Mission Impossible. But I'm not one for getting shot at. And my ass kicking skills are pretty much at a zero.

I swear this is the last post I will write about my minor. But this is literally what is going through my mind at least 2 hours a day(usually during psych), I figure whatever it is, my minor, what I am suppose to do with my life, a secret glimpse into my life's ambition, will come to me. Cause right now it is a persistent nagging train of thought I get caught up in.

Week one of Summer school over with, and so far it has been a breeze, well minus the weather which is hot. I have a Chem test on Monday, and am suppose to help Katherine with some of the material. She offered pizza as a bribe. Damn, I just can't resist pizza. There is a boy in the class who may have a little crush on me. Reasons why I know I am not exaggerating are because he tries to make awkward conversation, appears up everywhere, and stares at me during class. His name is Danny, because he told me the first day after asking if I could help him with Chem and give over my digits. I said yes to one of those.

My mom is pushing the boyfriend thing on me. I think she wanders why I haven't gotten a boyfriend yet. "show that pretty face" "stop wearing so much clothes, boys won't notice you." My clear explanation for this is that I get boys who I would never date to like me. I am cursed and doomed to have the awkward boy to want to date the awkward me. Usually very conservative and straightlaced, they have no idea what they would be getting themselves into .

One day I'll have an uber cool boyfriend. Not today. But one day. Until then, gotta study for chem.