Safety

My mom is progressing in the home/apartment finding task. At this point I have crowned her mother Teresa for being able to look at my brother without punching him in the face, and I wonder why that Buddhism thing never panned out for me. Kicking people's ass is a big no no in the path to enlightenment

consciously I think I wanted to block out this notion that I have to create a life for myself. It sounds so weird and a known given for transition into adulthood. Leave the nest. Fly on your own wings. I've even mentioned in this blog, this extrodinary need to want to be able to stand on my own two feet. It may even be on my starting over list. Which should really be titled STARTING ANEW. or more truthfully STARTING.

But how easy it was turn to one's parents when things went wrong and got scary. How easy it is to hide under the covers, pretend nothing is wrong, and sleep the pain away. My main fear and anxiety attack arising on Thursday was not from losing a home. because in all aspects that home isn't really my home anymore. Sure it is a place full of love and safety and the comforts that I love to go back to. But it isn't a nest I have created for myself. It was just this facade of safety I allowed myself to hide behind, not for getting protection from the world, but to hide from it.

Instead of being gently guided from the nest I was thrown from it. And the moment I wanted to run, the moment I wanted to hide away and pretend it never happened, was the moment that I learned that I couldn't. That I shouldn't. That I must soldier on.

I'm still pissed. But soldiering on none the lest. The summer seems to be going by fast and slow at the same time. I don't know if that is possible. This summer session is ending on Thursday, where I head back home, pack to move, get ready for summer classes at Marie's University, and get ready for classes to begin here at the end of August. I'm really excited about the new school semester. More crushes, more crazy people in classes, hopefully a better social life. It's all about the possibilities, and right I'm counting on those possibilities.

I'm guess I'm just ready to start my own nest. My safety net. My place to return back to. This whole experience has jolted a realization into me. It like was like someone pushed the start button, and took me off the pause button I was resting on. I need a job(preferably the university library, I worked in my highschool library for 4 years. If that's not being qualified than I don't know what is) and car(which would require a license) and maybe everything will fall into it's place.