Landed

It's so hot right now in the library. I didn't know that the library opened at 1. Assuming that it was open at 12, I headed down here. Only to get to the door, see the "we don't open until 1" sign and then have to wait 30 minutes in the heat until it opens. I wasn't counting on it being hot in here also, and wish I had stayed back in bed.

My chem test is tomorrow. How fun. Even though I feel I know the material backwards and forward, I have the unnerving fear that I will screw it up. My mind will draw a blank and all the assurance of my knowledge will have flown right out the door.

Damn me and my insecurities.

I was thinking of that while laying in bed last night.It was 1am in the morning and after watching a ridiculous episode of the twilight zone, the thought pop in my head. I skirted on the issue, tossed and turned, and then woke up with it still fresh on my mind.

I don't know where all the self critical bull comes from. I mean I have heard of the "you are your own worst critic" but I seem to have taken it to the limit. I seemed so worried that no one will see my potential and take a chance on me that I neglect to see that I don't see my potential and have yet to take a chance on being me.

I wish I could pinpoint the moment I stopped believing in myself. I wish I could go back in time and tell young me that I am worth more than I give myself credit for.

I usually hate going back and reading my old entries. 1) because of spelling mistakes(usually forgotten words or letters. Spell checker is not my friend) but 2) because I may regret what I wrote.

But this morning I was brave. I went back and read some old entries. And sometimes I forget that I am the person writing those entries. I see so much potential in the girl who spews out those entries. And as I took an objective step back, reading it with new lenses ,it was as if I saw what other people see, which is someone who may not always have it together, but who are making progressive steps to getting there.

Sometimes I forget Who I am. It's weird, cause I guess you are always suppose to know who you are, but become self doubting, and think I can't do things, and forget that...I'm okay. How weird that is to write. But I forget that I can do it. Whatever it is.

I was thinking back to any time someone has taken a chance on me. Who has saw something in me that they wished to pursue and push and help me develop. And that each and everytime, I have resisted their help. I mainly thought of my speech teacher. It's guilt that has me think of him often. I think of how the next three years in high school were very awkward between us. I hid from him in the halls ,I barely spoke to him when he addressed me. He for me is the prime example of someone who saw something in me, who extended a hand, and who I ultimately pushed away.

I pushed him and everyone else away, because I don't see the things they see in me.

After the end of all the dodging, and with my graduation looming, I was going to write a thank you card to him. I had written one to my English,physics, and chem teacher, but knew he was the one I needed to thank the most. It simply said "thank you for helping me find my voice", but I wasn't brave enough to hand it to him. I wasn't brave enough to let my guard down.

In reading past entries I realize that I do have a strong sense of who I am. Hopefully I don't make any excuses for my pitfalls and down days, but like most things I resist change. I resist evolving. And it's because in the back of my head, is this idea drilled into me that "this is it, it cannot get any better".

Life is so weird sometimes. As a kid you learn "sticks and stones may break my bones but words may never hurt me". They may not hurt you, but they leave their mark, like an imprint in time, and I'd do anything to go back and assure myself that "it can get better than this, that I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for"

But mainly that it doesn't hurt all the time. That surviving is only half the battle.