Cutting Ties

Is today "invite all highschools, middleschool, and elementary schools to college" day.

Outside is like a zoo. There is some competition involving robotics, there are high school kids on college tour, and I saw at least 15 elementary school kids who were taller than me.

I thought to escape the madness I would retreat to my favorite subway hideout, only to come face to face with at least 40 people(meaning kids) waiting in line. They don't have the "rule to subway ordering" down. They paused, they leaned against the glass, they got an attitude with my sandwich lady.

It's like a circus out there. And I am not fond of circuses. Great way to end March, trapped in room.

I have put myself on temporary house arrest though, to clear up the clutter in my academic life. Kbryna commented that I should consider study abroad, journal entries would be filled with my adventures in a far off land. So that is number 2 on things to consider for next year(maybe Scotland). Number 1 being my final decision on which major I should stick with.

I want next year to be 10x better than this year. Trust me this year was surprisingly better than last year. But there is still so much more for me to uncover and figure out. I kind of have to learn what I want so I can go and get it.

Number one on that list is good people in my life, that means cutting some ties. I texted Kay today to tell her that I was okay, and just have been busy with exams and things. She texted me back and mentioned that her, Amy, Jane are hanging out at her place tomorrow to watch movies, and eat pizza(temptation)...I told her I would pass. That I am going to chill out this weekend alone.

Even though I am a loner, I do hate it about 75% of the time. I mean hate going out in public and seeing everyone sitting and eating with their friends, while I go take my food to go, to eat in my room. But with the realization that I want to be Happy, I have slowly gotten myself out of that routine, and am realizing that there is nothing wrong with sitting in the bookstore alone, or going to a movie alone. My mom says "you're not alone, when you go to these places people are in there, so see you're not alone". She tries to turn all my negatives into positives.

So in the past two weeks, I have gone to the bookstore, coffee shop, school event, and hopefully movie club this Monday, alone(remember that I said I was going to movie club alone on Monday because when I try to talk, cause I know I will, myself out of going I want you guys to bust my chops. Force me to go, if you must).

I feel like I have given Kay and everyone the impression that I need her to do things. That without her I would sit in this room all day. So I'm cutting that tie. I don't do things for myself anymore, I'm so concerned with making other people happy, that I have pushed myself in the background. I have let better walk all over me, because I allow it. I allow Kay and Amy and whoever else say things about me because I don't stick up for myself.

I don't claim my independence. And I swear that I on my Starting over list. I thought claim my independence meant claiming it from my mother, but no it involves everyone and aspect of my life.

So saying no to her today was a step in the right direction.No is not a word I use often. So I have to practice that more.

Yesterday as I was on the phone with my mom, my brother yelled "when are you coming home" my mom laughed at first, but then her voice got all sad "I can't wait to you come home, it's not the same in the house"

This is scary for me. I do love my family. But I feel like I'm afraid to go off and travel or move because I know how much it will affect them. I think defining moment will be when I am at the point where I see that I have to start being and doing things to complete me. I have to let go and kind of go "hey, time for me start my life now...Okay now".

They may not like that too much. But I figure if I inject whatever it is that makes my family happy, and the few friends that I do have happy, than why can't I do that for my own life. You know, I'm excited now about what the future holds. I feel like there's going to be some direction. Or at least hot foreign guys in the future.

Oh...And I'm so happy that I am not a high schooler/anything younger than 18. Looking at those scared young faces, I remember how much I hated being that age. As I left subway I smiled at the kids waiting outside, sitting on the floor eating. Not because I was in a pleasant mood, but being an adult, I can go wherever I want, whenever I want, as much I feel like doing it.

I have restrictions except the ones I set for myself. So I'm going to.... Watch some DVD's, with the music as loud as I want, in my lucky frogs socks, and pj bottoms.Oh yeah that's how we 20 year olds roll.

Last Call

I realized a week ago that I hate finishing things. I am mortified of the end. I once wanted to be a forensic pathologist(before CSI) and then changed my mind because the thought of being around things that had expired was not promising.

I don't know what it is. Why me and the End are in such conflicts with one another. I am so afraid of things ending that I usually leave things open. When I moved, I didn't tell anyone, I simply said "see you next year" and walked home. I made no formal goodbyes, I had no time to tell everyone how much they meant to me.

This effects my everyday life. Near empty jar of Peanut...Not throwing it away. Books that I was suppose to read for English....Get to the middle and then quit. Clean my room...Forget about it. This has taken it's toll, especially for my college life and academics.

This fear of the end has led to me not starting anything. On Wednesday I was getting signs of the NO Man's Land theory all day. My English professor eloquently discussed this in the form of Bigger Thomas in Native Son, I listed the movie No Man's land on my Facebook profile(I've never seen the movie) and then watching TV yesterday there was a mention of it in some show I was watching.

I don't get close to people because I instantly think of the way our relationship will end. We won't call, we will move far away, and I will have to start all over again, just to end up at the end. It's a vicious cycle.

So I have decided to plan the finish line. I am kind of lingering in the middle. I have to realize that the end is inevitable. When I am in these moods, I can always count on a Dead Like Me episode to straighten me out and enlighten me. "Life is a terminal disease" George says and maybe I shouldn't be so scared of things ending, only that they happened at all.

This weekend I am going to plot out my life for the next two years. Not in that insane way, but mainly about school. I have to figure out what I am trying to reach so I can finish it. I have to get out of this stunted place, and realize that I need time to grow and expand as a person.

Or I will forever be enable to finish anything. I will also be left behind, and stuck. Of course me being the most indecisive person ever, this is going to be hard. I want so much that I have a problem pinpointing where to start. But no matter what I have to do that this weekend. Me + Room + College catalogue + Burrito = Plan A, B, C.

In other unrelated news, I talked to that weird boy yesterday for a solid 15 minutes. I think I mentioned him in this journal, we have like 3 classes together, and he will come sit next to me, say two words, and then ignore me. There is like no romantic interest with this one, sorry friends he is not my type. He has a lot of friends though, he makes the rounds making sure to get to know the people in his class. In trying a new approach I tried to realize that he just has that social butterfly personality and not to hold it against him . He calls himself the Ducth Boy( i swear)...well because he is Dutch and really proud of it, so i don't even have to make up a nickname for him.

I don't know why it is so easy to talk to a boy I have no interest in, rather than talk to a boy I do have interest in . If I could use this same approach to boys I like, I may have something going for me.

It's day 3 or 4 of no word from Kay. I feel a little bad that my approach at feeling she is a horrible person is to just ignore her. But I figure it's better than saying something out of frustration. Or even worse having to end something.

It's so weird, I use to be in a million plays when I was younger. The feeling of being on stage is like no other. And there was nothing better than when I finished a play. The curtain closed and were so relieved that we had finished it. So there were a few line screw ups, but it was so awesome to see something come to a close which you had spent so much time to create.

Life will eventually lead us to the final act, and I guess if I stop thinking that it is dreadful I will actually see that's all about getting to the finish line. It's about finishing, and then looking back, seeing what you have done, and moving on to the next race.

No Man's Land.

Jesus Christ i am stressed OUT!!!!!

The end of the semester is drawing near, i had advisement yesterday if you can even call it that, i have summer classes to plan for, i have volunteering to plan for.

I need a break. I need help. I need to sleep.

Yesterday was psych advisement. Ever since i changed majors, psych has really been unhelpful in guiding me in any sort of direction. They are all so relaxed and "take whatever you want" when i ask for help. I never realized how much i needed some kind of guidance, until now.

It seems they have no idea what what i should take for my pre-med requirements or when i should take it.

I am tempted to go the pre professonal building for help, but Kay has gotten a job there.

Speaking of Kay, she is driving me crazy. I'm so frustrated that everyone loves her. I know this can be probabaly seen as jealousy, but it's more that i'm frustrated that i can't connect with people my age. That she is doing a better job of it. She has three kids, is at least 15 years older than me, and yet she is dealing with this social college scene better than i am.

Oh...and she's cool when it is just me and her but when we get around other people, she makes a habit of making me the butt of their jokes. I mean it's harmless stuff, critiquing me on my bad social skills, talking about the amount of TV i'd rather watch, yadda yadda yadda . I got so sick of it last night at the Amnesty Meetting(which was actually at some dudes apartment watching a movie about why Walmart is evil) that i didn't even wait for her. I bolted out of the apartment and headed back to my dorm. I haven't answered any of her calls or texts since.

I can take simple joking back and forth. But i don't really like people defaming my character. Like when some lady at the pre professional building said she remembered me from my old job, Kay said she told her i got fired because i was a lazy worker. WTF!!!!!

I was so pissed. I mean it's one thing to joke around with people we know, but i may have to see this lady one day. I may need to go to her for advice, and now she is going to think i am lazy.

Then yesterday, the four of us(Plain Jane, Amy, me, and Kay) were all discussing that we all lived at one point in close proximities to one another. Plain Jane had transfered, which got Kay talking about how she had transfered then she said "yeah Beckett was going to school in Philly but she got kicked out" WTF!!!!!!!

That was not funny. I took that to heart. And then was pissed the rest of the night.

I feel like she's everywhere. I feel like everywhere i turn she will be there. I can't even go to pre professional because a) she will be there b) when i go talk to the lady, i fear the lady will discuss having seen me in there. I don't think they have a confidentiality thing.

I know everything will sort it's way out. I know it. But man right now i feel like i'm in No man's land. I'm just looking for a path to take. A path that is mine.

I don't even want her to go to Movie Club with me next Monday. The last thing i need is her making conversation with my potential man.

My other potential man S. African boy didn't even show up. But i don't even think he's potential anymore, he and Plain Jane have something going on. At this point, i'm too stressed to care.

MR. BEAN!!!

My mom saw Kay yesterday.

Saturday was pretty hectic. My mom had to bring down my suits for my medical conference coming up, and then Kay wanted to go to Best Buy because I had mentioned that her DVD collection lacked some essential DVD's. Bill & Teds Great Adventure, Die Hard, garbage like that.

I knew that I would be pushing it close. My mom got here at 12 and wanted to eat, see the campus, make me try on every piece of clothing known to man. Kay said she had some errands to run, and that she would be done by 3.

Some how, as soon as I was hugging my mom goodbye, Kay shows right up. I wanted to shield my mom, I wanted to hide her away in a safe place so that she wouldn't get suck in by Kays fakeness. But before I could push her in the car and send her on her way, Kay comes bouncing out of the car, fake smile in tow, and greets my mom.

DAMN.

Luckily it was brief. My mom must have got the "leave now" look and made a graceful exit. Trust me I like when my mom meets my friends. They all love her. They say she is cool. But Kay isn't really a friend. She's more of A..."Person who annoys me, but yet I hang out with because she's the only person too" bud.

When I got back later that night from Kays house, my mom called and said they greatest words to me ever...

"hey...You never said she looked like Charlie Brown. Her head is kind of huge. She isn't pretty at all."

I love my mom.

It's so weird. When we go out Kay gets all the stares from men, everywhere I have been with her she starts up conversations with people who seem to be interested in listening, she doesn't come across as so awkward.

While I am fumbling for words, anxiously biting my lips, and making more of an effort to fade in the back than stand out. I'm made to feel like the Winona Ryder to her Angelina Jolie. Even though Winona is prettier. In my opinion.

On Friday I saw the Vagina monologues, and I realized that being around people like Kay and Amy and Kristen/Christie, I'm made to feel like not like a girl around them because I don't talk about boys or romance, love and marriage.It's not that I don't think about it. I just comfortable indulging all my feelings of intimate things with girls who at any moment will stop talking to me.

And though I know I am no ugly duckling I am made to feel that way. So hearing my mom pretty much call her ugly... I must say I was a little happy. I mean she walks around as if she is god's gift to men, and that with a little help I can be on her level. Maybe I don't want to be on anyone's level. Maybe im okay with who I am.

I mean at least I don't have a Charlie brown head. (no offense to anyone afflicted with an unusually huge head. I love you and your big head anyway).

So anyway. Today I was on a mission to buy MR. Bean DVD. I saw it yesterday at Best Buy, but felt it wasn't in my weekly budget. After some late night non buyers remorse, I woke up determined to get it.

I called Kay who said she had some exciting news to tell me. When I got in her car they exciting news was that she some guy she has been crushing on talked to her, and asked for her phone number

?????

Seeing that she is just getting out of a bad divorce, I wasn't that excited.

She followed my unenthusiastic tone with..." I knew you wouldn't understand. You don't get it I've had a crush on him for a long time(Art Boy) and I'm so nervous around him(Art Boy) and I thought he had a girlfriend(Art Boy + Neighbor) so I gave up crushing on him...You just don't understand."

Yeah.

I really don't understand. That is actually what I said to her. That I understood more than she would ever know.

I have some more to say about Art Boy. A lot actually.

I was waiting outside the other night. And a van pulled up. I was jotting in my journal, listening to music, and who comes bouncing up the stairs, but the ray of light known as "Art boy". Our lives seem based on barely colliding into each other.

And hearing Kay talk about her new Crush/Date made me think about my Crushes, and thinking maybe it's time to move out of the crush phase....It's unfullfilling.

I'm smart, I'm pretty, and I'm interesting. At least that's what my mom says. So why can't I have "that". That being: a cute interesting boy who likes me, preferable who can read, and let me have the last slice of pizza, and sacrifice one weekend to chill inside and watch some cops, who's better at the social things than I am, who likes art, but also likes annoying boy things like sports or cars, whose shoulder/stomach I can use as a pillow, who can make me laugh, who isn't afraid to try new things, who has some cool tunes in his iPOd, or a wicked DVD collection, who doesn't mind telling me that im not as weird as I think I am, and who has the appreciation for Mr. Bean or at least Blackadder.

In return I promise to always have the butterflys in my stomach, that would make me happy to see him. Everyday.

But more on that later. I've got Pride and Prejudice, and Great Expectations to finish for my test tomorrow. Late night? I think so.

Oh...and Mr Bean Collection is AWESOME!

Hips Do lie

Yesterday I was in a dancing mood. In my dancing frog socks(the things are too big for my small feet). Listening to Shakira's "hips don't lie"

Don't be fooled.

My hips lie.

Mid hip shake I managed to slide, falling backwards and making a loud thump against hard, cheap, college floor. In my room of course. That still did not hide my embarrassment.

Some how this loud thump, also hurt my now tender knee which I have been limping on all day.

If anyone asks I hurt myself doing something really extreme. Skatboarding perhaps. They don't have to know I don't skateboard.

But anything is better than "in my attempts to dance in my room at 11pm last night I slipped on my cool socks, busting my bum and knee and now have the limp to prove I cannot seductively move like shakira even if I try... in my room...alone."

Shakira....we are no longer tight.

Now everytime the song plays, my knee inadvertently hurts.

Wyclef would not be proud.

"what's your number"

Men of the World.

If you flirt with women, please do so tastefully. It is quite appalling and humorous when you fail miserable at trying to pick us up.

Some guide rules:

Make sure girl has some interest in talking to you, when you start up a conversation. Our mannerism will tell you if we are interested or not. Light laughter, a smile or two, and in most cases a touch on the shoulder. (I like touching shoulders). Girl will continue conversation if she has any interest. Girl likes when you ask questions about her, compliment her on something. Don't do the "you have pretty eyes" thing. That's too soon, if you are starting conversation in line at burrito shop. If she perhaps mention she is a lit major, compliment her on that. Talk about books. Say she is smart. We like that. Being funny and charming is always a plus. Girls like boys who have a likeable quality. Who can be funny yet charming. That requires you to make a comedic observation about something followed by a general statement. Ex: Lindsay Lohan is way to skinny for my taste, sometimes I just want to feed her a burrito or something. Girl will laugh. HA HA HA. Than boy should follow that up with general statement "it's sad that girls feel they have to be so skinny to be beautiful. Guys don't like rail thin girls". Girl will instantly be drawn to you, light conversation in line may lead to exchange of number, or at least a "I'll see you around campus". You have just successfully succeeded in flirting. You are the Man. Pat on Back.

But.

When girl is not interested ABORT the MISSION PRONTO. This can usually be indicated by the non removal of iPod earphones, the repeated "no I will not give you my number" and finally when the target says "Yeah...That's probably not going to happen in the near future, thanks though. I am flattered". Girl probably became disinterested when conversation started off with "Do you have a boyfriend". You came on too strong. Also...Make sure you are at least in a 10 year radius of the girls age. Though girl may like older men, this is not a George Michaels "Father Figure" song. If at any point you see this conversation is going down hill...DO NOT...On any circumstance, pull out a business card with your goofy smile on it. Even worse do not bombard the girl with "can i have your phone number" thing.Especially when she repeats she is not looking for a boyfriend.

Finally. To avoid any embarrassing flirting disasters, avoid talking to girls in burrito lines. Especially when girl is staring at the hot college student in front of her. Though it is very flattering and we do appreciate the hard task men make in supposedly having to make the initial contact, we are usually also very receptive or unreceptive to your advances.

In other words the first 5 minutes count. Either hook, line, and sink us, leading to a smile, pat, or maybe even a phone number. Or hook, drop, and drown us, which will lead to girl running out of the burrito shop,calling her mom, and laughing at the ridiculous things men do.

These rules of flirting was brought to you by Beckett Amelia Hughes. Promoting a safe, and fun filled environment for flirting to all man kind.

The Bell Jar

In the 12th grade i read the bell jar. And instantly felt like the book was about me.

What i liked about the bell jar is that the ending really isn't an ending. It's actually more of a concern, it provides uncertainity for the reader. There was no happily ever after, just maybe a "well one day there could be a happily ever after, if i don't go crazy again"

Unfortunately i feel as if my hand is not clasped firmly over my bell jar. And whatever i managed to keep at bay, is forcing itself out, forcing me to deal with it.

I use to love video games. I'm not even going to lie. Tomb raider, Mortal Kombat,Clocktower, Resident Evil and recently Tekken. Now i played tomb raider Clocktower, and Resident Evil, but i just watched my brother play the other two. He also got frustrated with the last board. The last guy he was suppose to beat. In all honesty the last guy isn't that hard, it's just that you've played for so long, you fear screwing up...so you screw up and lose. Anyway. The point is that i could hear my brother cursing from the other, he put it on pause, come complain to me about it, and the go back in. After he beat the game. He put it to the side and started a new game, a harder game. And the cycle would continue.

To me, thats how life is. Thats how my "funk" is. I went to bed feeling...blah....to wake up and feel...blah...to right now and feeling blah. I feel like whatever sadness i have been hiding way back in my soul, is making an apparence, it is challenging to me a duel. I am at the last board, cracking my nuckles, nervous that i will lose and have to begin all over again. At the present i am losing the battle, i'm struggling to stand, my attempts at fighting back aren't working, the bruises are piling up, my opponent seems undefeatable, i think it nows that it can beat me, so it taunts and now i have put the game on pause.

Pause.

The first knowledge of the sadness coming back, was i had a recurring dream last night. I hardly have recurring dreams. It was the dream in which i am suppose to stop an ancient curse from being finished. I have all the materials in hand, the people with me have been taken out, unconscious from the battle, or to weak to continue. They are all yelling at me, to finsih it, one of them is yelling exactly what i have to do, the monster/figure/entity is making its way close. The museum we are in, all of a sudden errupts with violent winds, the windows are blown out by the force, we are knocked aroun. And the entity is telling me to drop the stuff, while everyone else is telling me that I have to do it. That i'm the only one who can finish it. And before i can make a decision i wake up. I wake up in a "funk".

I decided to find what it is. To find the sadness and eliminate it. Sometimes i feel so sad about just being sad, that i get angry at myself. And it all consumes me into this one big calamity. Except soon, i have to press the play buttton, and i have to finish the fight. I feel i have to find the thing that makes so sad and be done with it. Or it will consume me forever, it will always make a reoccurence, and i will not find what i'm looking for. There will never be a happy ending.

So i bought a jounral today. A real one. A black "leather bond" journal, and even splurged on a pen, because i need to write it down. I need to find what the source is, come to terms with it, and be done with it. I feel( i'm using that word a lot in this entry) bad that i consume this journal with only my sadness , in writing in this journal i realized how sad i really am some days. And that there are some things that i haven't been able to find the words to write down. But last night, i wrote myself a note, i jotted down quick thoughts, anxieties and fears, and i felt like that was one step closer.

For so long, i have been concerned with just finding out who i am, trying to establish my likes and dislikes. But the real truth comes in knowing that i've always been here, the person that i so desperately want to become. That is's not about finding out who i am, it's about digging through the layers of sadness to recover who i am. Cause i think i'm a good person, i think i have a lot to offerto people and to the world. But there are deeper issues of "stuff" that is trying to tell me, it's time i dealt with it, instead of avoiding it.

So i'm kind of cheating on this journal, with my new one. I'm not going anywhere i've just got some digging to do. A digging i wish i could share right now, but i don't know what it is that makes me hurt so much, and i don't know what i will find. I use to name my journals like Anne Frank. My last one was "dear Theirry..." don't ask. I don't know what i should name it now, i'm thinking just "dear Beckett", i've got some searching to do. Of course that will happen right after my burrito.

Oh. And to kill the dramatics for now, i don't think South African is that weird. Minus the sandal, shorts things in really cold weather. He seemed comfortable in the mix to me. Next Monday i'm suppsose to be attending a showing of Lord of War, with the rest of the Amnesty crew at some dudes house. But i'm drained with just people, and Kay, and feeling uninvited(though i think we all can come) i may just pass. Or i may surprise myself, and go. Who knows what can happen in a week, i may have defeated the last board of my funk, and am ready to take on a new challenge.

I think it's about time i pressed play now. Knuckles cracked. Swagger back. Cursing insued. I'm ready to defeat the loaming figure, and move on to the next game.

Play.

Morning Yearning

I'm a loner.

The school days me would probably be crushed to hear this. But the me, I have become is some how seeing that it is the one thing I am just going to have to adapt to.

Art boys club was suppose to be today, but there web page hasn't set a date for the movie, and in my quest to not be anyone's secret crush anymore, I wasn't sad that he wasn't having a club meeting.

Kay called asking if I was going to the Amnesty International meeting(S. African guys club) I said that I would tag along, because I guess I really wanted to go. Or really just wanted to be among people. The club was meeting at the local coffee shop on campus, and I figured "here is my chance...To not be that girl watching what is going on around her...But be that person who is in the mix" .

South African boy said hey to me, tapping me on the shoulder and then saying "Boo"(weird) and wondered what I was going to eat(Peanut Butter cookie and Snapple) . Apparently he didn't get the weather report for the next few days, because he was wearing flip flops. I can forgive him, he's cute.

And away we went, all 10 or so. Sitting down, having conversation, even I talked. Even I laughed, and joked, I had a good time. But I kind of always feel like I'm in a crowd and still feel alone. I mean not in that depressed "woe is me" way. But that I always will kind of be guarded and like I am on the outside looking in. And for once I was on the inside, and I looked out. I looked way out.

A lady once came up to me and said "you...Are a old soul". I smiled, and went back to reading. And I liked to think that is why I always feel disconnected. Why I always feel lost. For the 2nd time in the past 2 weeks people have remarked that I always look like I am "ready to go". To where I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating. Like one of those bubbles I use to play with as a child.

When I was kid, I use to go around the corner to my best friends house, and sit on her stoop and blow bubbles. I use to twirl and twirl in a circle, until I had accumulated this rainfall of bubbles that fell on me. Sometimes I feel like those bubbles. That I am just soaring with the wind, I am passing through lightly, in hopes that I won't bust. Or that the snotty nose kid won't decide to catch me and there I would go. BUST.

I always wonder if there was no ground for the bubble to hit, or no other interference that would cause the bubble to bust, how long would it float. And glide through the air. Going where ever the wind decides to take it.

Sitting in that group, in any group really, I get that feeling, of floating far away. I feel disconnected...I feel contained and I want to escape. And I don't know if this feeling will stay with me always, I don't even know if I want to adapt to the life of a loner, cause I don't know what it has in store for me.

But I look around, and see how easy it is for people to just do the things I struggle with. To connect. And even when I feel like I am connecting, I am always just two steps away from floating away.

When everyone left, Kay going upstairs to talk to a friend, S.African boy went to get people to sign a petition, and the rest went off, I walked back to my dorm alone, and I didn't feel so contained anymore. I felt like I was meant for this. To walk among people, even when at the risk of being disconnected from them.

But then how do I balance that with my general need for people. How do I find what I'm looking for in a friend, or a boyfriend, when I'm floating.

I once carried around a notebook with a quote that said "what she dreaded was to be possessed and still excluded." I was in the 9th grade, and thought it was just an interesting quote. If I only knew how much it would pertain to me I wouldn't have thought it was so interesting.

Intimacy vs. Isolation.

Where's a good therapist when you need one.

"Find Yourself up against another brick wall"

On my ipod I have been playing "another place to fall" by KT Tunstall over and over again. There's this amazing chorus and my favorite line is "find yourself up against another brick wall", as I was strolling to class, doing the iPod bob, I passed a sign up against the brick walls we have separating the honors college from the center of all that goes down on Campus. It was a green sign, and in bold white letters it said "FIND YOURSELF..." I thought it was the creepiest thing ever as I'm listening to the lyrics and then literally seeing that on a brick wall.

A sign perhaps?

Yesterday was round two of Meet The Girls. Our last excursion led to me feeling deeply upset, and confused, and hurt. I set off thinking I would make a better impression. That I would be lively, talkative, and down right girly just to connect to those girls. Just to connect. I'm starting to figure out(ignore the upcoming unaviodable, boy giggle, turn into something sexual saying) that some plugs just don't fit in some outlets(it wasn't that bad), and thus some connections aren't attainable.

I mean they are nice girls. But they are kind of your typical "lets hang out ALL DAY and DO SOMETHING" people. Something is clearly better than Nothing. They make plans to play tennis, and go to who knows where, and hang out like good old friends, and have conversations about weight lose, and boyfriends, and love interest. They are things that make me uncomfortable in normal situations. I kind of avoid those topics outside of this blog. I feel like there is just some things I want to hold so dear that I don't want to talk about it freely with everyone. I think those things are fragile, and deserve to be held close and protected, and just talking about it to make idle conversation is something I'm not willing to do with people who aren't close to me.

Of course I may have not expressed that, and instead decided to grab a corner to write my screenplay on a scrap of paper. As soon as the two kids left to go to their fathers( a traumatic ordeal of police surrounding his car, and explaining to him the restraining order against him) I was left with Kirsten( okay I think this is her actual name) , Kay and her older son.

All they talked about was Kays crazy ex-husband and yadda yadda yadda, I love how when they got done talking about Crazy Ex, there was long extended pauses in which then they decided to address my "bored behavior" I felt kind of bad because Older Son thought I was bored being around him. So when we got back from a pick up Amy run, and food run, I fell asleep, woke up 15 minutes later, and then played Burnout(an awesome car game) with OS.

I mostly hung out with OS the rest of the night. In the back of my mind I was like "should I be in here with this 15 year old talking about life woes", but I realize that I generally get along with people who don't want or need this big thing from me. You don't need me to talk a lot, you don't need me to adapt. I'm so use to adapting I just want to be around people who take me as I am.

It's like I get along with people younger than me because I can still be a kid and young, and explore my imagination(and play video games), and then I get along with people who are older than me because I'm able to connect with trying to find something greater in life then the quick high of it. I'm looking for something deeper. Of course that means I don't get along with people my own age, who either think I am extrodinary anti-social or bored.

Uncharacteristically I've been looking at the way Kay raised her family, and then how I was raised, and wonder if I'll incorporate that into how my kids will be raised. That soon faded from my mind as I fell asleep. But I do look at Kays life, and I do think about how I was raised and see that we come from two different schools of how children were raised. And both ways alter personalities and they way we connect to people. But once again I will have to explore this in another entry. As long as blogger doesn't start messing up again.

Kristen kept saying I was anti-social the whole night I was there. After spending 300 dollars on an iPod, I wasn't going to just leave my purse around so the kids just to go through it and hide it. They went through Kristens bag and messed with her expensive sunglasses and cell phone. Yeah...not going to happen. She took this as a sign of me wanting to go back to my dorm. And then went over why I like being in my room all the time. Kay has been telling I guess everyone about my anti-social behavior. That some days I would rather spend time in my room than hang with her.

Truth be told I actually am an extrovert at heart. It's just that I'm a selective extrovert. When it comes to family and close friends, I'm like "what do you want to do, I'll do it, we should hang out all night" but to everyone else I'm like "can I go home yet". Unfortunately I explained my "reasons for staying in my room" not to people who should have heard it but to OS.

The thing is that everyday we have to deal with people. People are interesting characters, they are naturally needy and want things. Emotional, physical, mentally. It's almost draining because we are expected to mold to want they want, or be excluded because of it. We have to deal with so much stuff outside the comfort of being home. I don't mean home home, I mean like your house or in my case my dorm. Wherever I stay is like my domain. It's like I can just come in my room, and not have to be the smart, quiet, anti-social girl. I can let down my hair so to speak, and not have to fit anyone's standard. It's like I can back in here and be me.

When I said I actually thought it was profound. I was like "Oh...so I'm not weird, I just need a place I can come back to,and not feel judge."

Last night was actually successful. I mean I didn't bond with the two girls, and I may have seemed anti-social, but for once I felt like I was able to say what I actually meant. For once I didn't care that I didn't belong, cause I don't want to belong, I just want to exist. I just want to be alive, and find happiness. And hell yeah I'm awkward but somewhere I belong. Somewhere out there I will be found, cause I'm tired of looking.

My Great Expectations.

I have spent the last 8 or so hours at Kays house.

I hate that I have so much to say about the whole ordeal, but yet stupid blogger will not let me see my blog, so I almost don't want to write it.

Tonight I was vunerable.

I don't know how I feel about that.

You ever regret saying something after it slips out of your mouth, like you have just revealed something about yourself that makes you...Normal for once.

Amy and Kristen(? I can't remember that girls name to save my life) tagged along. To bond after our first horrible bonding attempt.

I've learned that you don't have to like everyone. And even though they are two nice girls, I just don't connect them. Our conversations seemed forced, and they just some eager to be friends with everyone they have no strong connections with anyone.

I think they look at me and see my playing hide and go seek with the kids, and basically run down by three people younger than me I feel my job isn't to baby someone else's kid. So while Amy or Christie/Kristen/Kirsten dictate what is nice and what is wrong. Using adult voice to set them straight. I run amuck. Indulging in their ability to still dream. To still believe in a make believe. And if I have to play Fantastic Four for the 4th time to do so, then I will.

Tonight was so much different. I felt like the blog me perfectly aligned with the Me me. I'm not saying that I'm not the person who writes these words. I am fragile, and confused, and hopefully a little wise. But I am so awkward in social situations, I'm still frightened of not being liked, that I pull away so people have an excuse to keep at bay.

But I the last 3 hours I spent talking with her older son. And I was quite embarrassed about how frank I was about my social inabilities. Which isn't weird that I would be frank with him because I usually get along well with people I see as harmless.

He was said that what I was saying made me seem so "normal and yet still so awkward". And then he laughed, not to make me feel bad, but because it was such a paradox. I am such a paradox.

I guess there comes a point in life, especially in mine, where I am just so sick of having to make an excuse for myself. Of why I am the sad, anti-social, quiet girl. There comes a time when you are just so ready to be accepted not by peers, but by yourself. When you get so tired of having to defend.

This was night was different, hopefully this life will get different, because I didn't storm in my room and cry for being misunderstood, as was for once happy that I am happy with who I am, and where I come from.

I've just figured out from Great Expectations and from being home, that my "depression" these long years have resulted from me being ashamed. Not by my own doing, but by these standards I haven't been able to fit. And that shame than turned to guilt, which made me keep people away. My teacher says guilt can be forgiven, once you recognize it. Well then I'm sorry because for so long my guilt has prevented from seeing that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I deserve better than my guilt to lead to regrets. I deserve better.

Didn't get the memo

Today must have been "make me run around this campus like a fool" day.

After dragging myself to class early to see my advisor, I was met with a note on the door that said "If no one is at front desk, pick up a form." WHAT?

To only go back downstairs to a 50 minute history lecture where I spent the majority of the time wondering why my GA looks like the Mr. Clean , and the other GA looks like Mark Ruffalo. I than wait in line for another 10 minutes to asked my Bald GA if he received my paper in his mailbox. To only have him ignore me, answer five other people's question and then finally get to me whose question was already answered somewhere in the mix.

To only then, have to head to the hippie dorm for the 2nd time, hoping that someone can tell me something about the email I got saying that I had to stop by to fill out a housing contract. That only led to me standing around looking at confused faces, who knew nothing about anything, and once again I headed back to my hot dorm with unfinished things to do.

3 hours later, after collapsing on the bed(and eating a delicious burrito), I was forced to push myself to get out of bed, creep to psych, where the girl next to me clearly has issues with staring as she preceded to keep glancing at the book I was reading. Which is actually Great Expectations which I should have finished like a week ago, and have like 2 hundred pages to go.


This was followed by a skip and a hop to Genetics class where I forgot about the homework that was due today, hippie professor let it slide, saying that those who forgot could turn it in next class. Stared longingly at my secret Middle Eastern crush, to only see some other chick glancing at him. After glaring at her for staring at my man, class ended where I headed to the bookstore to get a magazine. As soon as I walked in the alarm thing went off, 5 seconds later, after initial shock, I head back to my dorm.

Nice guy in red car decided not to run me over, and I did not trip over any steps.

Other people who did not get memos today:
The "not to yell loudly in public with boyfriend on phone" memo.
The "Don't spoil the end of a movie we haven't seen " memo
The "Don't wear pink and green checkered pants memo(frat boy)" memo
And finally The "Please stop taking steroids when arm is clearly bigger than the average human head" memo.

Some days I wish everyone could get their designated memos. Would save the rest of us a whole lot of heartache.

Beckett.

Memo for tomorrow: Stay inside, avoid day at all cost.

Unfinished business.

In a quest to not fork over rent money to get my own place. I have decided to stay on campus.

About a month ago i got a letter offering a sweet opprotunity to go to be a transfer student at any school for my schools tuition and i think even room and board. I thought it would be awesome. It would be a away for me to go to a school anywhere in the US and not have to worry about loans.

But mom wasn't so hot on the idea. And basically ignored it, going on to talk about how the cats were doing something.

She now realizes how great that opprotunity would have been. Of course i have missed the deadline, and unless i can find a study abroad program to take me, it looks like my junior year will be in this hell hole. (Oregon was looking like a real sweet retreat too).

Anyway, that means that if i'm least going to stay(until i can find a way out) i minus well be in great dorm. And for some reason the Enviromental dorm seemed like the number one choice.

But now i feel like they want a whole background check to make sure that i recycle bottles and take short showers. I had to write an essay and now i have to meet with the coordinator of the dorm. My mom told me not to sign my life away to live in an enviromentally safe(?) dorm.

I might be signing away my civil liberties. If the mention anything about rationing toilet paper, i'm out of there.

Today i feel like Death.

My cold has not gone away, and for some reason i feel contaimanted. Like the whole world should stay away from me.

I want to do nothing more than lay in bed all day, with a remote and blankets. OH BLANKETS. Unfortunately life doesn't seem to slow down for the sick.

I had Spanish, English, chasing down a Graduate assistant, going down and up and extremely huge hill, falling into bed turning it on Unsolved Mysteries to only seconds later have Kay calling me on the phone to invite me to her new place.

Four hours later i am finally back in my room, still having 200 pages of Dickens to read.

Sometimes i wish there was a pause button. Like the secret code that made everything just stop for a while, gave us enough time to catch our breathes. And then when we were ready , with one click everything would restart. For life to be on our schedule instead of us on its.

As i was waiting for Kay in front of my dorm, i saw a guy walking down my street. He was wearing a peace shirt and generally pretty cute. I usually don't get guys who i would totally date to smile at me. I usually get pimps. He totally smiled at me, giving a coy glance my way, but because i was watching him we made eye contact. He smiled at me! To bad this school is so huge, i'll probably never see him again. Damn.

I'm not just socially awkward, i'm boy awkward, i'm doomed.

When i was a kid( 10 ish) i was the complete opposite. I had confidence and coolness. It's embarassing now to think about how i was unafraid of letting a boy know i liked him. What the hell happened to 10 year old me.

Where the hell is my inner child when i need her.

I say she would smack me now if she saw how i turned out.

She would have totally waved. Or said hey. That floozy.

I did smile back though. I think. I think it was a smile. Or a grimace. As long as it wasn't my "blank" face. Or my most used confused face than i'm alright.

He shall be called Mystery Boy, since i know nothing about him.

Now for some America's Next Top Model. My Guilty Pleasure.

CRASH.

Blogger hates me.

I've been trying to write an entry all day, only for AOL to cut me off. Or for blogger to say my server is down. WTF.

Well see how far I get before it decides to cut me off again.

Anyway

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

Lately I've been thinking about connections. Crash was an interesting movie. My mom dragged me and my brother along to see this truly depressing movie. Not saying it wasn't good. But just really sad and you leave thinking about a lot.

I took from it the idea of connections.

In a time of our lives where small gratifications eliminate the connections, you can feel isolated, you feel needy, and alone.

We spend some much time connecting to generalized concepts of skinny and big,black or white, male or female, punk or emo, that we forget how connected we really are to people. That people have this same basic need, that we are all searching for this same completeness that it separates us. I guess I can compare it to Great Expectations, which I am really starting to love. My teacher describe pip as being a hypocrite. Pip hates Pumblechook so much, because inadvertently he is an imposter just like his uncle.

I think that's how people generally work. The try so hard to be different, that they neglect the importance of seeing how connected we really are. And these connections should drive us not tear us apart.

If that was the motivation for Crash than Hurray. But if not, I draw from it my own unnerving connection.

I'm not going to go all CNN on you, but imagine everyone has by now seen the horrific news about the girl in NYC who was killed. For reason today sitting in class I couldn't help but feel connected in away to the story.

The whole time I was home(seeing that Westchester is like NYC little sister), it was what was on the news, everynight before I went to bed. On Saturday it was "who could have done this" and by the time I left it was " a bouncer is being questioned". It was surreal. The news playing in the background of life that just goes on around it.

Everyday on the news it was a new break in her death, while home everyday was it was a resurgence of my life.

I would visit old neighborhood friends whose first words out of their mouth was "never go out alone, stay with friends, go home with them" and though I nodded and reassured them that I do not go out alone at night, it wasn't them I was reassuring. It was like the whole city was reassuring itself.

Walking down the street, passing conversations, it is what you heard. Theories be sprung about, blame being set, questions being asked.

And I realized in that moment how we were all connected, because we all could have been her.Thats why we needed the reassurance.We could have all be in that situation.A situation 4 am contemplation. A moment in life that we were just off our guard. When the forces came all crashing together, reminding us in an instant how venerable we all our.

Mainly this story has been bogging my mind, because I've been thinking about writing lately. While home my cousin talked about how he was interested in writing screenplay. He asked for my help. Is there is a fear of finishing things? Cause clearly I have it. I feel like I have decent enough writer, with decent enough concepts to maybe pull out a decent screenplay(maybe I should find another word for decent.)

I guess what I stagnates me in completing a screenplay is that I don't do well with trying to pull from what I don't know. In the case of me trying to get ideas from the news. I usually(as you can see) am guided by my emotions, and feelings, and that how I relate it to the world. Writing is a very Stripped( as in Christina Aguilera) process. I try not to hold back from my immediate feeling.

It is my soul. In like everything I write. And hope that I at least get that across in my writing. So when it comes to screenplay it's like I write what I know. I right about my complicated relationships with people, I write about vunerability, finding strength, about finding the balance.

Writing is like a voice, and I'm still a little hesitant to be heard. But I have stories to tell, stories I feel should be seen. Have to find the courage first.

anyway.

I had two test today. Psych and Genetics. Kay called me to tell me she has moved on campus and that I can come by her apartment. I declined saying that I had to study. 20 has given me a new fond sense of confidence, its amazing. So I go to the library, and I totally think I may have ADD. I mean I can't concentrate for beans. I'm fumbling my papers, drumming a pencil, humming, wondering about what kind of books are on the shelves. Should I throw my candy wrapper in the garbage.Whats that strange noise? Maybe i should investigate?

50 minutes later I realize I have spent more time preparing to study rather than study.

The test was covering dreams and stuff like that. Hopefully common sense pulled me through that test. South African boy flipped out when he found out Jon was on medicine for ADD. Even if i don't have ADD, i do have attention problems hope S.African boy doens't notice. I just get bored easily. Kay has offered again to take me to Movie Club next Monday (haven't talked about Art Boy in a long time. He is still hot). Which means I won't be going to South African boys club. In Westchester I realized how awkward I am around boys. The realization came when I may have ran from a boy who passed me in the hall and was being polite and asked my name. My mother had a field day the next hour or two going over my duck and run move. More on that tomorrow I have Spanish to study for.

Love is in the Air

(that's my cousins shoes)

While I was home I had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to be in love. Something about being home and feeling complete for a change, I wanted to share it with someone. I guess it really was just going back to my Junior High and Elementary school, and even to the High School I would never really get to attend, I thought of all the boys I had fallen madly deeply in love with and wonder where I would have been in life if we had never moved.

It wasn't one of those self pitying "I wonder who I could have been" It was more like a strange twilight zone feeling. Like I was walking down the street I had only so few years ago walked down. And all of a sudden you realize that street, that school, that apartment, will always be the place you have always walked, lived, seen. Like it's life reminder that though the faces are different, the place is still the same. I felt so lovely home. And I thought about love often. Not of being in love with someone exactly, but just the notion of what love conjures up, of the safety it embodies, and how much of that safety you are willing to share.

When I got back, I promised Marie that I would hang out with her and her boyfriend. As soon as I got back from NYC I was pretty sick. My throat was hurting, my head hurt, and I just felt tired. But I had made a promise, so I had to go. Every time I go out with Marie and her new friends, I seen to be bored. I mean I don't think they have bland personalities. But it's nothing that holds your attention. I mean the last time I hung out with them was the bowling thing, and that didn't go by to well. I would hate to think they thought I was boring, but I just don't get excited around them. I figure if this is the last weekend I will be home for a last time I would spend it with Marie alone, not her, her boyfriend Jeff, and her other skinny friend whose name I didn't care to catch.

Marie and Jeff made me evaluate what I want from my boyfriend(whoever he is). They are so awkward around each other. I mean like even the way they hold hands is like they have no idea how to do it. He looks at her hand, rolling it in his, and she just ask if his hands are sweaty and needs to take a break from hand holding. It wasn't even like the invited another dude to come along, so I wouldn't feel so out of place. They invited a skinny girl, who hates horror movies(we saw the Hills have Eyes. Generally I love Wes Craven, but he is losing his touch. The scare factor was minimal, and I spent more time watching people's reaction to the movie, than the actual movie). I unfortunately had the pleasure of sitting next to two couples. A very huggy couple to my left and Marie and Jeff to the right. It was like bizarre. I didn't know what to say to them. I mean I knew what to say to her, but to him I pretty much ignore him.

He wanted all her attention. I notice that now she is wearing flat shoes, to make up for his short height. He was grabbing her around the shoulder, slapping her on the butt, like a child. After the movie, skinny girl decided to go home while Marie wanted to know what else we were going to do. I was nearly passing out from my sickness when Jeff decided we should go to Walmart. Like what the Hell. I decided to go once again. Dragging of course. While in Walmart, his need for her attention started to bother me. He soon made it apparent that they should go to another store, closer to their school, which would not include me. If it wasn't for the major migrane I would have just tagged along to annoy him.

The thing with me is that I can be extremely needy sometimes. But not in that "I need to spend every waking moment with you" kind of way. I just need to know that I if I did need you, you'd be there. that's it.

I'm starting to realize that I would like my boyfriend to be my bestfriend. But not my bestfriend to be my boyfriend. There is like a distinct difference of dating someone who use to be your good friend. Because with good friends you do EVERYTHING with them. You have the same interest, same group of friends, yadda yadda yadda. And for a long time I wanted that. I also figured I would date someone I had previously been great friends with. It's easier. It's almost given that you will go out with him/her because you've spent so much time together.

But watching Marie and Jeff I saw how awkward it is. I saw that they had no idea how to deal with each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. At this point in my life I rather be in a relationship with someone who I know I want to be my boyfriend. A relationship rooted in us being immensely attracted to one another. And from there we can build up from there. I notice also that what I like so much about where I am from is that so much is being build there. Unlike here where everything is being torn down, Westchester is booming with renovation and new buildings. Sort of like relationships. I'd want someone (as in boyfriend material) who has there own thing going.

But some how through all of that he makes me top in his priorities. That lets me inject me own life into his, and vice versa. There has to be some balance. Cause without it there is awkward hand holding and butt smacking. Not for me.

Speaking of awkward there is this boy in like three of my classes. Spanish, English, and Psych. In Spanish he stares at me, while we wait for English he sits on the floor right next to me, says two words and then ignores me, and then...Well Psych is too big to make conversation I only saw him once. I have no interest in this boy, he seems nice, really popular(he says hey to everyone), but I don't know whats up with his awkward conversations around me, when he is good with them to everyone else. Maybe it was my Rocky voice today, due to my cold. I don't know. But luckily i just put on my headphones and moved.

I have kind of made a decision that I don't want to be the admirer anymore. You know the secret admirer. It's kind of a depressing life. My main focus is to pull up my grades so I can move( I mean don't worry, I will still be mentioning all the weird boys who come my way) but in my goals before graduating college, #1 is not getting a boyfriend. I mean it's really just about finding out who I am, accepting it, and then progressing forward. Which at this point is getting into the school I want to, with high enough grades, and making use of myself and all this potential I have.

"It's good to be home"...

...Kinda.

I had an amazing time in Westchester. For 6 days i was the happiest i have ever been. It's weird to go back, and remember things i did as a child. I mean it's not even the big things that come flooding back. I remember waking up and running downstairs to sit on this porch and watch the neighborhood come to life. It seems so different now. Smaller. Devoid of the vibrant atmosphere we injected to it. There was never a white picket fence. But i realize i would move back in heart beat. It's getting harder and harder to leave to leave the place. I became immensly sad taking off, realizing that everything i have even wanted to feel pretty, smart, funny is all wrapped up in this place. I felt like Andrew Largeman leaving. But i didn't get off the plane to great Natalie Portman. I didn't take a chance of staying in pure bliss.

Instead i return here. I suddenly came to the realization while i was at home, that i'm not this weird, unable to make friends person. I have a lot of life in me, i have a lot to share with people, but i just been in a place for the past couple of years that has sucked it out of me. When trying to explain this to my mom i was like "this place has stunted us". I think that is the feeling. Going back to my Aunt's house where she has a new baby, my cousin is now a 6'1 15 year old, my old neighborhood friend Jason is 6'3 and wonders all the time what happened to us, i realize how left behind we have become.

I hate that feeling. I wanted to stay and be apart of the life i had left behind. Some where i keet forgetting that i am 20 years old. That i can make my own decisions, that i can take my life in my hands and create for it all that it could be.

You forget how awesome it feels to be happy, that you just want to maintain that feeling until the day you die. I know i want my life to be filled with all that makes me happy. Which at this point would be good friends, and good family life, and really to move from the dump.

I have so much more to say, but i got a terrible flu like cold. It was probably from boggs(who decided to slobber all over me in White Plains). i can barely hear, my head hurts, and i am doped up on medicine. Luckily i have the first season of Poltergist to watch while i lay in bed.

More to come after my nap. I have class tomorrow. Damn. I feel like we need another week or two.

Oh...and the iPod is amazing.

Home...

"Is where i wanted to go "

I'm back from my trip home. It was amazing people. AMAZING. I went to the museum, caught up with whats going on with my family, and met my new cousin Michelle. I call her Boggs(as in Boggers). I just tried to upload a pic but Dial Up is making it pretty difficult. I have so much catching up to do. Posting Pics, Reading my regular blogs, getting rest, and getting back in the swing of things. I have so much to tell and show. Being home was just the most amazing thing ever, i forgot how happy i could be. How everything there was Beautiful and Nothing hurt.

Let me try to post a pic again. It's good to be back, so now i can figure out how to progress. How to remain happy. How to get back home.

Beckett

I'm too excited to sleep.

It's like the night before my trip to Baltimore. I was so excited that I couldn't sleep and then showed up at my school 3 hours early.

I only have one class today, which also makes the wait horrible. DAMN IT. It's my English discussion class. I would like to apologize to Charles Dickens. I actually like Great Expectations, it's like 10x better than Jane Austen and her Pride and Prejudice Bull.

Pip is an interesting character. He kind of makes me mad. He's so ready to be a Gentlemen so he can get some girl that is unattainable, and he leaves all the good aspects of his life behind. Like Joe and Biddy. Which is confusing because he's an orphan. And don't oprhans value some family structure. He's so blinded by his "great expectations" that he can't see what lays before him. And that he will just end up alone because he has totally eliminated his past in face of a future that isn't as glorious as he thinks it is.

Poor Pip

I had another dream about Dream Boy. This was the boy who may have sniffed me in that other dream oh so long ago. This is his second show up in my dream, don't know what is trying to tell me. From what I can remember he has a shitty relationship with his father, he's consumed by it. He's ashamed by it. And when I went to talk to his father, at a store he had owned(his, Dream Boys, friend came with me) there was no mention of my Dream Boy. The father talked about all his other sons*from his current marriage), but didn't mention my Dream Boy. But surprisingly I liked the father, I thought he was personable, until he got word that I was Dream Boy's girlfriend and I was kindly escorted out of the store. Dream Boys friend was also upset with me, as if I was stirring the pot more than I needed to.

Later any attempts to console my Dream Boy were ignored by him. He kept pushing me aside, not letting me help him. And he left the apartment. Sitting in a dense field of abandoned junk, holding his head in his hands. I woke up with that feeling. As if I felt what he felt, it carried it's way out. And it was like "he's a cool guy on the outside, he even has a lot of friends, he even willing to give out so much love, but behind his eyes there so much hurt. There so much abandoned, so much that he doesn't know how to receive the love back, and is willing to let me go just so he can avoid feelings." weird huh.

But I can't think about that dream now. Or Dickens. I can only think about my trip. And my iPod(Kbryna just got a Nano,CONGRATS, I have been contemplating getting that one instead of the other one. Let me now how sweet the nano is). If anyone has some song suggestion, please let me know. I just looked at my iTunes Library and realize that the music ranges from music when I was 13 to now. I feel a little worried buying a 300 dollar iPod that carries like 7,500 song, when a majority of the songs I have I don't listen to. I mean M2M is in my iTunes. If you don't know who M2M is, be glad. They royally suck, and was played a lot during my Junior High Days.

I have to get new tunes. Am in desperate need for new tunes.

Have a good break. I know I will.

Beckett

P.S HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM. Not that she reads this, but still.

Spring Fever

The early ruffling of bags. The shaking of legs. The heads that glance at the clocks. Oh...It's Spring Break. And we are ready to leave. Even I am ready to go.

Yesterday I had a pretty quiet birthday. Seeing that my birthday a) falls on Spring Break b) is 2 days before my moms birthday(tomorrow March 3rd), we usually celebrate in on the weekend when we are all together. It also doesn't really help when your only friend has so much drama going on that she can't devote time to remembering your birthday, or when your other friend is two hours or away, or when you don't have enough friends at your school who know that's it your birthday. If only all of you were present in my "real world" I would have felt the love.

It was still an awesome day. It was my special day. It was as if nothing could go wrong. Marathon of Outerlimits. Awesome screenplay writing book at the bookstore, almost getting run over by newly short haired South African boy( he was on a bike, couldn't really say hi). I got some wickedly awesome birthday email, and I'm anticipating the more celebrating I will get done in NYC. We will be leaving Saturday at 12pm.

I've only been home during the summer season. I've never been home during March, and I'm a little nervous about it actually. It's like there's something in the air, like this trip will be different. Like I'm not seeing home as a child anymore, I'm going back with wiser eyes. The last time we went, it was before the college fiasco. I couldn't get in touch with my old best friend, my brother was being a pain, we had only visited my father once, my mom spent the majority of the time with James, and the three of us; my brother, cousin, and I spent the whole week watching various mobster movies.

But now my brother isn't going, my grandma has sensed passed, my aunt has a new baby, James and Mom really aren't on speaking terms, me and old best friend aren't on speaking terms, and my baby cousin is now a 6ft tenth grader. Oh...It's a little scary.But I feel like this trip is going to be an eye opener. Not in a negative sense. But I feel like I'm going to take back from it so much more than just the prospect of being home for 5 days.

It's like I will be standing in the place that made me who I am, but am looking forward to the person I am and who I will become.

Traveling though is not my strong point. I hate traveling. If there was like a magical warp that would get us there in like 5 minutes I would rather take that then car, train, or plane. I haven't taken a plane since I was like 7 and my apprehension of them have only increased with time. When it comes to driving it wouldn't be so bad, if my mom wasn't a horrible driver. We went to Philly for like 3 days, and some how ended up in New Jersey, and then Washington, and then got lost on the way back to New York. Me and my brother were pissed the whole way there and back, because she was driving like 40 on the beltway(?) and there was a concession of cars honking and yelling out the window as the passed. YEAH.

And the train. Don't get me started. I LOVE TRAINS. I think they are magnificent. I mean you see so much along the way. It's fast enough, but still slow enough that you can see the sights. Virginia had to be the prettiest place I have seen riding in a train. But the last time were on a train it was a nightmare. Most of the train rides I remember have been a nightmare.

There was one time, where I had to go to the bathroom, and like the doors are these sliding weirdness, and they never latch, and the door swings open all the time. And don't get me started on all the fluids sloppy around in that place as one is struggles to stand or sit. I never use the bathroom on the train and the one time I did, I open the door to some lady sitting on the bowl. I was so shocked that I just stared for like five minutes. Then she was all "You can close the door now" and for some reason I thought that meant she was finished, so I stepped inside before I realized that she was still sitting on the John "Well I have to finish first" she screamed kind of. I ran back to my sit and slept the rest of the way. I'm surprised I don't have urinary problems.

Next incident: When you get on the train, the assign you a seat. They usually just point and then you take the seat. So there was this older heavy set woman ahead of us, and I knew she was take our seat. Of course she sat down right in out seats, messing up the whole seating arrangement. Wouldn't have been bad, if not for the next hours having to listen to her talk about her feet and fungus, and then asking everyone who passed if they would go buy her food. I ignored her.

But the worst came with the man and his balls. Literally. We were just approaching our stop and were waiting in that little area they allow you to wait, until the train comes to a full stop. Now that trip had been the worst on the train. There was a Skinhead who wouldn't let anyone sit next to him, a man who became enraged that two women in front of him were talking about the evils of homosexuality( I felt bad for him and wanted to give him a hug) and the two ladies behind me who kept complaining about everything. So we were pretty happy to get off the train at this point. When the train was just making it's stop a new problem had arisen. A lady comes running to the attendant and starts yelling "you need to come back here because the man's balls are hanging out of his shorts". The attendant was confused as I was.
"His what"
"His Balls. He removed his pants last night to sleep in, but his balls are hanging out"
" I told him about that" as she goes to the back and orders the man to put on his pants.

Thank God we are not taking a train.

I'm still pretty nervous, mixed with excitement, mixed with...That other feeling I just can't explain. As if all of this is the beginning of something. I had that feeling yesterday. I was in my room, enjoying quiet birthday, and I kept glancing outside the window, and wanting to be apart of the world. I was sick of being the observer, and kind of ready to be an active participant.

We will be in NYC this Saturday. Wish you were all there to enjoy it with me. I'll be writing from Karen's house, hopefully my cousin will let me borrow the digital camera or I will have my own. I will also will have my iPod Tomorrow. THANK GOD.

I have to pack, clean my room, finish making my mom's present(a scrapbook), and finish volume I of Great Expectations before I go to sleep. I have a lot to do.

"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"

Guess who is 20 today....I'll let you think about it....I'M 20 TODAY. I couldn't even go to sleep, which is why I am writing this extremely early.

I'd like first thank the Blog World, for reading my rantings for so long. There will be more to come, I promise

My mom, for still sending me a box full of goodies.

My brother, who though still thinks I'm turning 18, but makes an effort to be enthused about my Birthday.

For Gavin Degraw, because well your really hot.

For Jared Leto. My So Called life was the best show ever, and you may have been my first crush.

For Gael, because well your hot too.

I will enjoy this birthday, and bid a tearful farewell to the teens. I guess the 20's will be the best times of my life.

So what happens now?

Well right now, I should get back to bed. Or listen to more Sting.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. Hope everyone has a great March 1st.