"Find Yourself up against another brick wall"

On my ipod I have been playing "another place to fall" by KT Tunstall over and over again. There's this amazing chorus and my favorite line is "find yourself up against another brick wall", as I was strolling to class, doing the iPod bob, I passed a sign up against the brick walls we have separating the honors college from the center of all that goes down on Campus. It was a green sign, and in bold white letters it said "FIND YOURSELF..." I thought it was the creepiest thing ever as I'm listening to the lyrics and then literally seeing that on a brick wall.

A sign perhaps?

Yesterday was round two of Meet The Girls. Our last excursion led to me feeling deeply upset, and confused, and hurt. I set off thinking I would make a better impression. That I would be lively, talkative, and down right girly just to connect to those girls. Just to connect. I'm starting to figure out(ignore the upcoming unaviodable, boy giggle, turn into something sexual saying) that some plugs just don't fit in some outlets(it wasn't that bad), and thus some connections aren't attainable.

I mean they are nice girls. But they are kind of your typical "lets hang out ALL DAY and DO SOMETHING" people. Something is clearly better than Nothing. They make plans to play tennis, and go to who knows where, and hang out like good old friends, and have conversations about weight lose, and boyfriends, and love interest. They are things that make me uncomfortable in normal situations. I kind of avoid those topics outside of this blog. I feel like there is just some things I want to hold so dear that I don't want to talk about it freely with everyone. I think those things are fragile, and deserve to be held close and protected, and just talking about it to make idle conversation is something I'm not willing to do with people who aren't close to me.

Of course I may have not expressed that, and instead decided to grab a corner to write my screenplay on a scrap of paper. As soon as the two kids left to go to their fathers( a traumatic ordeal of police surrounding his car, and explaining to him the restraining order against him) I was left with Kirsten( okay I think this is her actual name) , Kay and her older son.

All they talked about was Kays crazy ex-husband and yadda yadda yadda, I love how when they got done talking about Crazy Ex, there was long extended pauses in which then they decided to address my "bored behavior" I felt kind of bad because Older Son thought I was bored being around him. So when we got back from a pick up Amy run, and food run, I fell asleep, woke up 15 minutes later, and then played Burnout(an awesome car game) with OS.

I mostly hung out with OS the rest of the night. In the back of my mind I was like "should I be in here with this 15 year old talking about life woes", but I realize that I generally get along with people who don't want or need this big thing from me. You don't need me to talk a lot, you don't need me to adapt. I'm so use to adapting I just want to be around people who take me as I am.

It's like I get along with people younger than me because I can still be a kid and young, and explore my imagination(and play video games), and then I get along with people who are older than me because I'm able to connect with trying to find something greater in life then the quick high of it. I'm looking for something deeper. Of course that means I don't get along with people my own age, who either think I am extrodinary anti-social or bored.

Uncharacteristically I've been looking at the way Kay raised her family, and then how I was raised, and wonder if I'll incorporate that into how my kids will be raised. That soon faded from my mind as I fell asleep. But I do look at Kays life, and I do think about how I was raised and see that we come from two different schools of how children were raised. And both ways alter personalities and they way we connect to people. But once again I will have to explore this in another entry. As long as blogger doesn't start messing up again.

Kristen kept saying I was anti-social the whole night I was there. After spending 300 dollars on an iPod, I wasn't going to just leave my purse around so the kids just to go through it and hide it. They went through Kristens bag and messed with her expensive sunglasses and cell phone. Yeah...not going to happen. She took this as a sign of me wanting to go back to my dorm. And then went over why I like being in my room all the time. Kay has been telling I guess everyone about my anti-social behavior. That some days I would rather spend time in my room than hang with her.

Truth be told I actually am an extrovert at heart. It's just that I'm a selective extrovert. When it comes to family and close friends, I'm like "what do you want to do, I'll do it, we should hang out all night" but to everyone else I'm like "can I go home yet". Unfortunately I explained my "reasons for staying in my room" not to people who should have heard it but to OS.

The thing is that everyday we have to deal with people. People are interesting characters, they are naturally needy and want things. Emotional, physical, mentally. It's almost draining because we are expected to mold to want they want, or be excluded because of it. We have to deal with so much stuff outside the comfort of being home. I don't mean home home, I mean like your house or in my case my dorm. Wherever I stay is like my domain. It's like I can just come in my room, and not have to be the smart, quiet, anti-social girl. I can let down my hair so to speak, and not have to fit anyone's standard. It's like I can back in here and be me.

When I said I actually thought it was profound. I was like "Oh...so I'm not weird, I just need a place I can come back to,and not feel judge."

Last night was actually successful. I mean I didn't bond with the two girls, and I may have seemed anti-social, but for once I felt like I was able to say what I actually meant. For once I didn't care that I didn't belong, cause I don't want to belong, I just want to exist. I just want to be alive, and find happiness. And hell yeah I'm awkward but somewhere I belong. Somewhere out there I will be found, cause I'm tired of looking.