Love is in the Air

(that's my cousins shoes)

While I was home I had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to be in love. Something about being home and feeling complete for a change, I wanted to share it with someone. I guess it really was just going back to my Junior High and Elementary school, and even to the High School I would never really get to attend, I thought of all the boys I had fallen madly deeply in love with and wonder where I would have been in life if we had never moved.

It wasn't one of those self pitying "I wonder who I could have been" It was more like a strange twilight zone feeling. Like I was walking down the street I had only so few years ago walked down. And all of a sudden you realize that street, that school, that apartment, will always be the place you have always walked, lived, seen. Like it's life reminder that though the faces are different, the place is still the same. I felt so lovely home. And I thought about love often. Not of being in love with someone exactly, but just the notion of what love conjures up, of the safety it embodies, and how much of that safety you are willing to share.

When I got back, I promised Marie that I would hang out with her and her boyfriend. As soon as I got back from NYC I was pretty sick. My throat was hurting, my head hurt, and I just felt tired. But I had made a promise, so I had to go. Every time I go out with Marie and her new friends, I seen to be bored. I mean I don't think they have bland personalities. But it's nothing that holds your attention. I mean the last time I hung out with them was the bowling thing, and that didn't go by to well. I would hate to think they thought I was boring, but I just don't get excited around them. I figure if this is the last weekend I will be home for a last time I would spend it with Marie alone, not her, her boyfriend Jeff, and her other skinny friend whose name I didn't care to catch.

Marie and Jeff made me evaluate what I want from my boyfriend(whoever he is). They are so awkward around each other. I mean like even the way they hold hands is like they have no idea how to do it. He looks at her hand, rolling it in his, and she just ask if his hands are sweaty and needs to take a break from hand holding. It wasn't even like the invited another dude to come along, so I wouldn't feel so out of place. They invited a skinny girl, who hates horror movies(we saw the Hills have Eyes. Generally I love Wes Craven, but he is losing his touch. The scare factor was minimal, and I spent more time watching people's reaction to the movie, than the actual movie). I unfortunately had the pleasure of sitting next to two couples. A very huggy couple to my left and Marie and Jeff to the right. It was like bizarre. I didn't know what to say to them. I mean I knew what to say to her, but to him I pretty much ignore him.

He wanted all her attention. I notice that now she is wearing flat shoes, to make up for his short height. He was grabbing her around the shoulder, slapping her on the butt, like a child. After the movie, skinny girl decided to go home while Marie wanted to know what else we were going to do. I was nearly passing out from my sickness when Jeff decided we should go to Walmart. Like what the Hell. I decided to go once again. Dragging of course. While in Walmart, his need for her attention started to bother me. He soon made it apparent that they should go to another store, closer to their school, which would not include me. If it wasn't for the major migrane I would have just tagged along to annoy him.

The thing with me is that I can be extremely needy sometimes. But not in that "I need to spend every waking moment with you" kind of way. I just need to know that I if I did need you, you'd be there. that's it.

I'm starting to realize that I would like my boyfriend to be my bestfriend. But not my bestfriend to be my boyfriend. There is like a distinct difference of dating someone who use to be your good friend. Because with good friends you do EVERYTHING with them. You have the same interest, same group of friends, yadda yadda yadda. And for a long time I wanted that. I also figured I would date someone I had previously been great friends with. It's easier. It's almost given that you will go out with him/her because you've spent so much time together.

But watching Marie and Jeff I saw how awkward it is. I saw that they had no idea how to deal with each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. At this point in my life I rather be in a relationship with someone who I know I want to be my boyfriend. A relationship rooted in us being immensely attracted to one another. And from there we can build up from there. I notice also that what I like so much about where I am from is that so much is being build there. Unlike here where everything is being torn down, Westchester is booming with renovation and new buildings. Sort of like relationships. I'd want someone (as in boyfriend material) who has there own thing going.

But some how through all of that he makes me top in his priorities. That lets me inject me own life into his, and vice versa. There has to be some balance. Cause without it there is awkward hand holding and butt smacking. Not for me.

Speaking of awkward there is this boy in like three of my classes. Spanish, English, and Psych. In Spanish he stares at me, while we wait for English he sits on the floor right next to me, says two words and then ignores me, and then...Well Psych is too big to make conversation I only saw him once. I have no interest in this boy, he seems nice, really popular(he says hey to everyone), but I don't know whats up with his awkward conversations around me, when he is good with them to everyone else. Maybe it was my Rocky voice today, due to my cold. I don't know. But luckily i just put on my headphones and moved.

I have kind of made a decision that I don't want to be the admirer anymore. You know the secret admirer. It's kind of a depressing life. My main focus is to pull up my grades so I can move( I mean don't worry, I will still be mentioning all the weird boys who come my way) but in my goals before graduating college, #1 is not getting a boyfriend. I mean it's really just about finding out who I am, accepting it, and then progressing forward. Which at this point is getting into the school I want to, with high enough grades, and making use of myself and all this potential I have.