Marie's birthday is this Saturday.

She would have turned 29.

As of last Wednesday I am no longer an employee at Le Sad Store. I seriously thought I would never ever get to say those words out loud. It still feels pretty weird.

My decision to quit was a long time coming of course. Since I started working there six years ago (yep six whole years!) i have hated my job in retail. Were it not for the friends I made I would have burned out from that job a lot sooner than I did. It has taken me some time to realize that a place does not make a home. Because my family moved often I can't say I have ever felt an attachment to a place. I used to believe I did. I used to believed I had a fondness for towns and houses or apartments or buildings because they held memories.

But now that I am older I think that fondness had more to do with the people who inhabited those places. It was more of a right time, right place sort of thing not so much the places themselves, you know.  And that's what Le Sad Store was for me. I was attached to the people more-so than the job or my position. Because if I can be honest the job effing blows and being a bookseller made me quite the shitty reader. And towards the end I wasn't even a great employee. I wasn't terrible, I showed up, helped customers, cleaned up but I spent more time hanging out in aisles or the back of the store or even the break room. I was never where i was supposed to be because helping customers was the least of my concerns.

I only looked forward to going to work because my friends were there. The work itself was too demanding for how little we were paid and I fear I will always twitch when I pass a Le Sad Store. Anyway, after Sean and Kat left I really didn't have any other reason to stick around. I only worked two nights a week and now that I live in a different town the commute was ridiculous. I am still trying to get use to public transportation (until i can afford a car) but I will never get used or comfortable to take the bus home at 11pm with a series of sketchy men and women on their way home. Google the song "freak comes out a night". That song represents my adventures on public transportation at night. Hilarious and scary.

I was tempted to stay on seasonally to reap the benefits of my employee discount around Christmas time but the store got a new store manager who i refused to work for. Ever. He has hit on every girl/woman who works there and uses his large size to intimidate anyone who seems uncomfortable with his sexual advances. While I am small in stature I do not put up with rapey vibes from people in power and gave him as much attitude as I could without getting fired. On my last night I reported him, anonymously, to our company, you know as a parting gift, by  writing a scathing email about the store manager and his sexual harassment of his female employees.

I then cat-walked out of the store forever with dramatic music playing in the background and smoke emanating from the shelves. Like the boss ass bitch i am....okay my actual exit wasn't that dramatic but it should have been. I actually limped out (i sprained my ankle two weeks ago) while my co-workers wished me the best of luck and encouraged me to visit when i can.

While I am more than happy with my decision to quit, I must admit adjusting to life without the memories of that place is weird. A year ago my days revolved around when I was going to be at the store. Now, my current day to day routine involves waking up at 8 so that i can shower, eat, watch tv before I need to catch the shuttle at 10:30 that drives me to work. The shuttle only makes a few runs from the Undergrad campus to the Grad campus daily so I have to catch this bus even though I don't start my shift until 1.

I get to school, hang out in the library for an hour and then eat lunch; which i now bring from home like some weird adult, because eating from the cafeteria is expensive and I need to save money. After my lunch is consumed I start my four hour shift at work which, if we aren't busy, usually involves listening to pod casts or writing silly stories. I catch the bus after 5pm and head home to clean, read and prepare for the next day. I talk and text, I make myself dinner, check messages and email, and settle down in my jammies so I can marathon Cupcake Wars on Netflix until i fall asleep. It's oddly domestic.

Don't get me wrong, my new found domesticity excites me. I am still very much a social person. I hang out with friends and have plans and am enjoying my life and independence. I am excelling at weekends and activity...the week days, not so much. This year has been nothing like the previous one and I marvel at what a difference a whole year has made. I am not lonely but some times I feel more alone this year than I have since Marie passed away. The chaos and noise was a distraction and I am beginning to miss distraction in favor of this slight isolation.

I know that things are a million times better than they have been. I continue to be excited over my small triumphs and successes. I love living on my own and the responsibility that comes with it. I got a minor cold this weekend and instinctively went to the medicine cabinet for drugs. Of course because I am use to things just being there when I need it, I was confused and shocked to realize that my medicine cabinet was empty of anything useful so I had to go to the super market and stock up on medicine. I've never done that before!

While I am not trying to measure the experiences against each other, I am aware of them. Every freaking day. And a huge part of my life was that store and now, that too, is gone. I have outgrown it like i seem to be outgrowing a lot of things.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween! I plan on spending the bulk of Halloween at home watching horror movies and eating pizza. Kat and I planned to go to the city to attend the parade but I sort of chickened out last minute. Because Halloween in on a Friday this year I can't imagine being in the city with barely dressed men and women until 2 in the morning. I am simply not about that life.

Recently I got furniture for my apartment: a couch. some end tables. and a tv stand. and my 'home' is becoming the comfy place of my dreams. While i could go to a Halloween party tonight or attend a 12 hour horror movie marathon at the indie theater near house...this year I kind of prefer to celebrate the Halloween as I used to:  alone with my movies and at home.

The last few weeks have been physically and emotionally exhausting. Don't get me wrong I've had fun in between but i am looking forward to the next few days of rain and home life.

I hope everyone has a delightful and fright-free Halloween.  

Never Gonna Change

I expect to get some very heated opinions about the questions I am about to pose...but I need advice. Actual, serious, taken out of context, life advice. And though I have gotten plenty of it on the subject ... I guess I just need one final one. And i don't know, I could use perspectives outside of my own or my moms or Kat's. I could use advice from everyone who has knows the emotional context rather than the physical one. I need advice and I don't know who else to go to or if there is any one I can go to who would understand better than you.

No matter how much I claim to be an pessimist, I will always have this thought/assumption/desire/hope that people can change. I will. I do. Despite everything life has shown me I am unable to shake this assumption. I know this because I have changed. I find myself changing constantly and for the better i hope. I am not who I was when I moved here 6 years ago. The girl I knew before Marie died and the girl I am today are different. I am more assertive and take more risks. I am a little jaded and distant. I crave experiences...I welcome change.

What I will never know is if these changes are a result of grief or a result of getting older. I feel they will forever be intertwined. I miss Marie everyday, I miss the girl i was when she was alive. But i admit that I knew the exact moment when i began changing and adapting to to life without her. It was a swift decision as not to drown in my grief. I wanted to distance myself from it and it became easy to do when I distance myself from the girl i was when she was here.

I know about change. I am not an expertise in it but i am definitely a product of it. So I know that people are capable of change; good or bad. They are capable. I know this much to be true. I deal with it every day.

Because this belief is such a core part of me...I am conflicted about Sean's desire to re-establish communication all of a sudden (do not make that face, lol, what else did you think i was going to discuss). Worst, because it is under the pretense that he is 'a changed man' his words not mine.

 Let me sum up the last few weeks: Sean contacted on FB because he finally received my birthday card. After ignoring his repeated messages for a week I curtly replied: glad you got your card. take care. He said he was going to send me a long email the following weekend to, idk, thank me or talk.

I of course held some hope his email would say something like: i'm a stupid motherfucker who doesn't deserve to know you but I am reaching out because  you were the best person I have ever known and I fucked up royally. I know this does not change anything but i will spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't treat you as well as you treated me.

Or something like that. Just saying. A girl can dream.

Of course his email, like him, was underwhelming. He spent the bulk of it talking about himself and life at sea. He brought up things from the past that I once found funny. He mentioned some things that I posted on fb and concluded the email with this:

I hope that we’ll talk more as time goes by. I will always respond to anything you send me, and I will also take the initiative and write you as often as I can. Take care and enjoy life. It passes by so quickly and yet also at a snail’s pace. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you in January, Beckett.

Love,

Sean

Don't even get me started on how cliche and grandiose it all sounds. I am fully aware. I wasn't going to write him back but after talking to Heather, one of my more practical friends, i decided responding back firmly might be better than ignoring him. I spent a few days penning the email and my words. I talked little of my life. Told him a lot has changed and concluded with this gem:

..you didn't have time for me in your life or more importantly to be apart of mine. That is why I've been hesitant about this recent communication. I have made space and time for those who can offer it back. I want you to know that I am not about bullshit or dishonesty these days. I have no patience for disrespect or disregard.  I have cut people and things out of my life that cannot support my desire to be happy or to offer it in return. I am safeguarding my happiness with barbed wire and I don’t want to waste either of our time if it’s something we can’t offer each other. I will never be ready to share my experiences and growth and life and stories with you as my friend if it is something you can‘t offer back. This is something that is not negotiable in my life.

Take Care,

Beckett

His response...

I want you to know that I am not ignoring the more serious points of your email, Becks. I read everything, and how I respond is thusly: I will write to you as often as I receive word from you, and I am sorry for the negative aspects of 'radio silence' thus far. I leave the rest up to you.

Not everything with me and you has to be a negotiation, but I’m glad you still keep it real. Stay comfy and cozy and enjoy your life. Also make room for jars of sand and rocks, if you still want sand and rocks.

Take care,

Sean

That was 12 days ago. I have not responded in 12 days. My relationship with Sean often feels like we are playing a game of Chess but neither of us are very good at it. The only thing we excel at is the part where we wait patiently for the other person to make a move (however poor that move is) and now it is my turn.

Right off the back, I am offended by how contradictory he sounds: i'll take initiative only if you give me permission. I am sorry for the radio silence but how and if we talk is up to you. And most importantly...the assumption that I want to see him or his stupid sand/rocks in January. Where the hell get that idea from.

In the few and limited communication we have had I get this impression that he is trying to convince me he is new and improved. That three months at sea has reduced him to a full fledged, respectable human being. That whoever he was, he isn't now and I should be open to this new and improved version of Sean; Sean 2.0  

But this is where the advice giving part comes in. Because while the big rational part of me is saying "Sean is full of shit" and I need to eliminate him from my life the other part of me knows that people are capable of change. I know this. I have seen it. But when it comes to this boy at this particular time in my life, it is not something i can believe or accept as fact.

In my heart I do not believe he is capable of being a good person or man. I am not swayed by whatever has transpired at Sea. I imagine that he is lonely and bored which makes him desperate for attention and affirmation. I know on a ship full of sailors much younger and/or much older than him that he is alone. He is without people telling him how great and awesome and funny he is. Even if they are lying.

But is this just jaded Beckett talking? Is this the girl who did not get picked, talking? Without invalidating all the fucked up shit he has done is there no question in anyone's mind, including my own that Sean is always going to be...you know, Sean. A person with questionable morals. A cheater. A liar. A Manipulator. A fucking psycho. Because this is who I know. This is who, in my mind he is always going to be. And while I know I can be a hard ass. While I know that I am not always so forgiving of those who fault me, I have given Sean more than enough opportunities to be a better person. Because maybe that is what (good) change is about; not being new but being a better version of yourself.

So maybe the question I am asking myself (and you) is...has Sean changed? Can he 'be better' And if so, does it matter? Does it matter?

I am 95% sure that the answer is no. Sean hasn't changed. Sean will never change. And unfortunately his best self is a let down. Always a let down. He is a person capable of hurting someone he claims to love. He is above all a liar to others and himself.

I struggle every day to realize that I deserve more. I obviously have self worth/esteem issues and have equated the many losses of my life as failures to sustain relationships. The hardest thing i have learned so far is that love is not enough. It doesn't make people stay. It doesn't save lives. It doesn't make you the victor in loving someone. It is great and all encompassing. It is a pleasure to give and receive but it is not enough. Not all the time.

 And i have often thought this means that I am not enough. That I am not deserving of this great elusive happiness. Have no fear I am slowly working my way out of this black and white thinking. I have to tell that nagging voice to quiet and let me breathe. And i do not believe now that Sean could offer that to me-happiness. I did once, not too very long ago, because i didn't know any better but I know better now.  My relationship with Sean was personified by that personal fear. He gave me the attention and surface affection I have never felt like I deserved and though it fed his ego it also. more aptly, satisfied my loneliness.

 Because I was lonely. I am sometimes more alone than I like to admit. I worry about this sometimes. And I just want to make sure this doesn't influence what Sean is trying to sell. Because even when I entertain the other 5% of Sean's proposal. Auto Sean. 2.0 Sean. Captain New... I open myself to disappointment. From himself and from me. 

I definitely could use some sage advice right about now. I know, i've heard it all before but I would like to know what someone would do if they were in my shoes. I get the sense that many have been in similar situation and they've survived it well enough. I'd like to believe I will too even though right now I feel a little beat up and worn down

Yesterday I bought a crock pot! A crock pot ya'll! And I am over the moon excited about my foray into cooking. Or at least crock pot cooking. I am trying to keep things in my life positive and care-free despite the recent communication from asshat. If i busy myself enough then maybe activity and will alone drive him from my thoughts and life. I'm not saying it is going to work. He sent me a long email detailing his life at sea. It was not poignant and sure as hell did not possess anything i was open to entertaining (an apology perhaps. some things you never stop wanting from people).

The email caused anxiety and the anxiety led to sleepless nights and bad dreams. The dream that sticks with me the most is of us sitting on a boardwalk cuddling and making promises. He tells me he has good news: that he is getting married soon and they are moving to Florida but he wants me to move in with them. He tries to sell me the absurdity of the situation. A mini sister wives thing that she has no clue she is embarking on. Of course I am livid that he would even bring it up. There is screaming and shouting and threats. We end up back at our hotel and he threatens to kill me for making such a big deal out of everything.

And then i wake up.

Obviously my dreams are trying to tell me something. So/But instead of focusing on the email, if or when i will respond back, and the complete and utter shit of an asshat that boy is... I bought a crock pot and am planning an exceptional weekend of food (spaghetti and meatballs), wine (by wine i mean angry orchard beer) and entertainment (Gilmore Girls is on Netflix. All 7 Seasons. What else am i expected to watch).

I am adjusting to the new place pretty well. I loathe traveling, which i now have to do five days a week, but everything about my new place and town is perfect. I don't have any furniture outside of my twin mattress, a desk and a chair for one, so the space is pretty empty. If all works out, I can buy a futon next week and maybe a TV stand (for the TV that is currently sitting on the shitty desk I built all by myself).

When i was a kid my art teacher always told us to fill the blank space of our canvas with as much color as possible (to each their own i guess) and as a studios kid I was always afraid of leaving any amount of white showing. In a way, I follow this 'creative' advice today when it comes to decorating. I don't love clutter but i do like things to look full. Things that look full remind me of warmth and warmth reminds me of home. I want this place to be home to me.

And a huge part of this place being home to me is being able to cook. So yesterday Heather, who really has stepped up the last few weeks in the friend department, and I went grocery shopping and then to Bed, Bath and Beyond where we both purchased crock-pots. She recently moved in with her boyfriend, who i swear she hates but whatever, and is adjusting as well to being an 'adult' as well. We are both struggling to manage food expenses. I am use to eating out all the time because my mini-fridge could only hold so many things for so long. She lived with her mom and sister and was use to food always being in the house.

Of course now that we both live on our own the food thing has been our biggest hurdle. So we planned our first big supermarket trip yesterday equipped with coupons and a few hours to spare. I bought all kinds of good stuff and saved money though I did splurge on buying oatmeal raisin cookies. Don't judge...they are delicious. Afterwards we swung by BB&B where we purchased our crock pots.

The last few weeks have been pretty rough and I am looking forward to a relaxed weekend at home.  Next week i am attending NYCC for the second year in a row, followed by a tattoo convention the following week, followed by a birthday/Halloween party, followed by the Halloween parade in the city with Kat. So this weekend will be the last one for a few weeks where i just get to enjoy some me time in my new home.

Anway, time to get back to work. I am counting down the hours until i can go home.

Earlier this week Sean sent me a fb message which i have yet and probably will not respond to.

 He received the birthday card and letter I sent and wanted to thank me. He's so happy I thought of him. He can't believe it took two months to reach him. He wants to email me immediately and i don't know, thank me some more or tell me me about his life

Of all the weeks for this damn letter to come back and bite me in the ass this is not the week. So much is happening in my life right now. So many  things are changing. I am changing. And the one person who has the ability to halt change is Sean.

I am settling into my adorable apartment quite well. My mom bought me a crock-pot which i am googling recipes for as i type. I quit Barnes and Noble. I have a new crush on a boy with a lame tattoo. I have longer hair. I am no where near happy but damnit if i am not excited about the changes in my life. I have been sick this week so I took today off to drink tea and eat soup and read Harry Potter. Without furniture the studio is spacious and i danced and lounged while it rained outside.

Today I was happy. My life is simple and small but it makes me happy.

And then Sean sent me a message and any of the comfort i have felt these last few weeks were obliterated. I am not going to lie there isn't a day where Sean doesn't cross my thoughts  I think of what i wanted. What i expected from him and what i ultimately did not get. I replay our relationship over and over again. Sometimes from the beginning but mainly from where we left it off: i tell him i can't be in his life anymore the way he wants me too. He responds "i got you sand from another country". There has been radio silence since July.

Sending him a birthday card and letter was probably a mistake. But I couldn't help myself. For someone who has treated me like i wasn't worthy of his time I wanted to do something nice. I wanted him to know that I still cared and remembered his birthday. And the letter i wrote was sincere and kind and heartfelt. I wished him a happy birthday. I wished him well on the high seas. I told him i wished we were more honest with one another because when we were it made me happy.

I gave him more than he ever deserved and i don't think he'll understand how much of a toll that took on me. There is nothing worse than giving your best and someone still telling you that it isn't enough. So while a part of me has been waiting and wanting for Sean to establish contact the other part is tired of being the girl who waits. Not romantically for Sean to get his shit together but emotionally and mentally as a human being.

 I am not ready to talk to Sean. I may never be ready to talk to Sean. He is still the same person who told me that I was nothing in compared to his great and amazing girlfriend. At this precise moment as i waver between responding back or just ignoring him, I can only surmise that nothing good will come of it. I worry that he is a jinx. That things have been going so well because i haven't looked back. And i fear that if i do, if i respond to Sean, if i open up the channel of communication that all of my progress these last few months will be as wasteful as his promises.

And truth if it is my happiness or his on the line, mine is more important and more valuable.

Moving On

The amount of changes that have occurred in the last 3 weeks are astounding and if ever is the time to be take note of the signs the universe is throwing my way...now is it.

I moved into my new place last Wednesday and outside of commuting, which i fucking loathe :as a person who is perpetually on time, I cannot understand why trains and buses aren't on time. Okay, i can give some leeway for buses; but traiiiiiins?! come on, i absolutely adore the new place. It's the size of a studio apartment sans the kitchen. I have a actual refrigerator and cabinet to store food. There is a built in bookshelf and a reading nook. I  have alcove ceilings and in the morning there is so much light that comes in through my five windows! five! I am in love with my new home. I have a home.

Combined with my new home (a huge big change), I finally put in my two weeks notice at Barnes and Noble last night. Now that I no longer work there i can retire the Le Sad Store title. I've gone back and forth on this decision for months. The extra money is nice, I like working around books and my friends are there. That''s what i have been telling myself this past year. But honestly, I only work 2 days a week so I am not pulling in that much money. I like being around books but working around them is actually soul sucking. People continually butcher titles and authors names. I do not deal with customers who enjoy book, more often than not, the people i help hate the books they are their to buy. Also, not many people I know work there anymore. Compared to last year I actually feel like a newbie at BN or worse like a fifth year senior. The place is the same, the shit i put up with is the same but the people who made it bearable are no longer there. They got better jobs, they moved, the simply quit. I lingered.

So after a really rough and ugly night at the store on Monday (my new manager is incompetent and let another manager take the fall for a mistake he made) I decided to jump ship. I have put up with a lot at that store but now that I don't work there often, my friends are all gone, and the commute is awful, I can not justify stay there. I just cannot. So i let one of my managers know yesterday and I in a few short weeks I will no longer be a bookseller.

I've applied to some part time jobs closer to my house in hopes that I can make up the 2 shifts i am losing at BN. If all else fails, I can also take up some hours at the University I work for. Regardless this is a decision that was hard to make but has made me happy. I hate that place. I am starting to dislike most of my employees and seriously commuting at night is the pits! The train home smelled like beer and piss.

Two very big life changes have happened so quickly that I am starting to get the feeling that I am doing okay. Whatever trench/ black hole/ desolate space I resided in  this past year has suddenly opened it's door and let me out. Decision making and executing plans and putting things into motion has given me purpose. I am a person again. I am a person and there is something liberating about it. Scary as hell but liberating.

Today is the day I quit Barnes and Noble once and for all. I'm a few months shy of when I originally planned to but this decision is a long time coming. Now that I'm living in a different town the commute combined with my general unhappiness there solidified my decision. Last night I experienced one of the most disastrous closes of my time there and at this rate i'd rather jump ship then stay any longer. I have a bunch of vacation time to utilize which will hopefully save me from being completely broke. I'm nervous as hell cause I don't really have a plan B but when the time is right the time is right. I will no longer be a bookseller. My life continues to change at an accelerated speed.

World Record

Six days ago my landlady dropped a bombshell on me. She and her daughter are moving to Connecticut. End of September. Less than 3 weeks notice. This is some illegal ass shit and needless to say I am more than pissed.

However my industrious nature has payed off. A friend and I checked out a place yesterday and it was great. A small efficiency (a studio without a kitchen) with a private bath and entrance from the main cottage style house in a small college town nearby.

Six days. Six whole days. I lost a place and gained a place. My current landlady, the one who put me in this jam, is being a total turd and refuses to give me my deposit until i am completely moved out of the room i occupy now. This is unacceptable. She gave me less than a months notice. She sprung this shit on me out of nowhere and now she won't give me back the deposit I need so i can move. My mom says I should take her to court (but nothing was signed when i moved in), My friends think i should 'beat her ass' which has crossed my mind every night this week.

Instead I've opted to move out this Monday. My new landlady wants someone to occupy the space as soon as possible and while i was hoping to have more time to go through my stuff, I want and need my money back from the lady i rent from now. If i move out Monday she owes me my deposit and half of Septembers rent which I paid for days before she told me the news.

I have never been more stressed in my life. Between packing and taking extra shifts at work and searching for a place and seeing places I am a little worn out. I haven't admitted this to anyone. I do not know how to accept help. I have never known how to accept it because I fear being a burden on people. It is my worst fear since i was a kid. But this time around I haven't had much choice but to accept a little bit of help. A friend from work drove me to the place yesterday. Kat and her boyfriend will help me move on Monday. My mom has all but given me all of firsts month rent to live in this place. My friend Justin offered to bring my packed lunches if i can't afford food the first few weeks. My cousin is giving me his old dresser.

The amount of support I have gotten in such a sort time has overwhelmed me. I worry about being lovable. I think I am incapable of it. And this week, though I haven't asked for much help, the people in my life have gone above and beyond to do so. I can't even comprehend why  but they have. And it means more to me than they will ever know.

Hopefully the clusterfuck of this situation will come to a close soon. My new 'studio' has a built in bookshelf and a reading nook and five large windows. I've been asking for a change for such a long time I guess I needed a bit of a push.

Le Sigh.

Stay the Same

It's weird how quickly things can go from marginally okay to a complete and utter shit show. I am simply amazed by this swiftness. Thanks life. Thanks a lot.

The last few days/weeks/months have been okay. I wouldn't go so for as to say they were great but okay suffices. Post Chicago vacation was filled with a lot of loneliness and contemplation. I liked being new in Chicago and returning to my life here where everything reminds me of the small failures was tough. 

I wanted to quit Le Sad Store as soon as I got back from vacation but the extra money helps and after the disaster that was my last interview I couldn't risk living off of a part time paycheck. So I am still there though only 2 or 3 times a week. Even still the shifts are excruciating. There use to be a time when I loved going to the store, now I can't even stomach my four hour shifts which i spend mostly sulking in the aisle. 

Then Sean's birthday rick-rolled around and what i haven't told anyone is that despite the two months of radio silence (absolutely no contact) since I emailed him and his father, i sent him a birthday card and have been waiting patiently for some recognition of my kind gesture. The radio silence is hard i'm not going to lie. I don't miss fighting with Sean. I don't miss feeling insignificant. I don't miss wondering what our relationship was. I don't miss any of that. 

But i do miss what i wanted from us and it's hard to stop missing him during those moments of loneliness. You realize that choices, whether they are yours or someone else's, have a ripple effect. Him joining the Navy, getting engaged, being deployed has all but excluded me from his life. Or rather the life i wanted to build with him. As I struggle often with simple day to day stuff: remembering to take my stupid vitamins, gathering groceries, planning weekend activities, trying to get a full time job, I often wonder if they'd be easier with him around. It's stupid i know but i am not above admitting this to myself. 

I am someone who wants to divvy up the responsibility for once. I am independent. I am resourceful. I am clever. But shouldering everything alone is starting to wear thin. It's wearing thin. And there is a part of me that is angry at Sean for giving me a false sense that he was a person who could take some of the weight off. I thought he was Relief but then he abandoned me.

Regardless, I sent him a birthday card weeks before I went to Chicago because I knew it could take weeks to get to him. I wanted him to have something as I expected he'd get nothing from his girl or family. The day his birthday rolled around I knew the card hadn't reached him but i didn't send him an email or post facebook well wishes. I refused to do so. A few weeks after  his birthday I got a notification from the post office that he'd received his card and I, stupidly, was expecting him to thank me for thinking of  him despite everything. He hasn't. Not a two word thank you email. Nada. Nothing. I regret sending it. I regret the words i wrote. I regret the sentiment behind it all. Most of all, I regret still expecting him to be the relief, after everything. 

Outside of Sean and Le Sad store, the job on the university has been going great except for the problems arising with the guy I work with. I knew this guy from Le Sad Store and he is uber nice and cool. About a year ago he quit the bookstore because he was having issues with a manager and was in desperate need for a job. Despite Kat warning me that he could be a lazy worker I got him in touch with my boss who hired him soon after. Now, it's just the two of us in the office. He works the morning shift and I work the afternoon one. We only see each other for about 15 minutes a day but of course we are friendly because we are friends. I think this kid is awesome and talented and smart. Every weekend a group of us from Le Sad Store grab food and gossip, He is always invited because he is well liked by everyone. But as an employee he is so lazy it is starting to effect his work. 

He's messed up a few jobs this summer that I have had to re-do and I keep getting complaints from professors and administrators about his lack of attention to detail. Recently I have been getting an influx of jobs in the afternoon because people don't want him to do their print jobs. I usually get out of work around 6 now because of the demand for me to print things. I don't mind the work. I like having everyone's trust but Alex and I are getting paid the same amount for work he isn't doing. Plus he sometimes picks up extra shifts on our other campus because he has a car and can get there. So in fact he may be getting more money despite the lackluster work he does on our campus. 

It's very frustrating and recently he came to me because he can't work Mondays and wants me to work his shift. Which i don't mind. He offered to take one of my shifts to make up for the one he will lose but in doing so i realized that I may end up losing a lot of hours because of this. And I can't lose anymore money. 

So this has been my life for the last month or so. I am managing. And it hasn't all been bad. The end of summer was pleasant and cool. I have the weekends off now and spend it with Kat at parks and museums or with my Aunt in the city. I am taking a literature class and am so happy about reading and writing papers again. I changed up my look recently, opting to get hair extensions, and feel and look like a brand new me with a new bob that is the color of an autumn leaf. I may have a potential office crush as well. His name is Dan. He has tattoos. He really like burritos. We've only talked about burritos but he's super cute. And he's tatted!

I am managing. Despite all the changes. I am managing. But the newest change has me anxious as fuck. Since leaving my aunts apartment, I've been renting a room in a really nice house in my area. It's a sweet gig. Sort of a dorm room like living situation but great because i have a lot of privacy. My landlady and her daughter are nice and friendly but keep to themselves. The house cat has pretty much adopted me and I am close to both jobs. I've been there for 3 years and have never had a problem. 

Saturday Kat came by to pick me up so we could head to a booksale nearby. As soon as I get to the door, my landlady comes rushing out of her room asking if she can talk to me for a moment. Of course I am a little anxious because she looked so serious. Apologetically she tells me she has to sell the house we are all living in because she is having a problem with the man who owns it. The house is old and needs a lot of repairs that she cannot afford and she has decided to move into an apartment in Connecticut with her daughter. 

I almost cried. If i didn't have such an aversion to crying in front of people I would have bawled. I've been wanting to move out for a while. I am not going to lie. At 28 I want my own space. Living at my current place has been awesome except for the fact that it isn't my house. I've had people over, mainly Sean, but it's always been a tad bit uncomfortable. I have access to the kitchen and laundry room but I feel comfortable in my room (which has a mini fridge and microwave) that I barely leave my room when i'm there. 

Eventually I want my own place, even if it's just a studio, I want to come home to my own little oasis, throw my pants on the floor and dance freely. But realistically i can't afford that now. Realistically i can afford being a person in a spare room. And now that everything around me seems to be changing, I guess i was counting on my home life to stay the same. I needed it to. So i have not been taking the news well not even because i am terribly attached to where i live. 

I hate having to look for a place. I hate the idea of having to adjust to someplace new and if roommates are involved, someone new. I hate the process of packing and moving. Of deciding what stays and what go's.  I go on auto-pilot when tasks are in front of me. Soon after the news i went the bookstore with Kat and searched for places online while i browsed books. When i got home I immediately started throwing stuff out and packing. I do not have time to focus on the emotional aspects of what is going on. I need a place to live and the urgency brings out my industrious nature.

However the moments when my brain isn't frenzied over packing and scheduling appointments I am sad and anxious about where I am going to live and how i will adjust. I am freaked out by another change that could not wait until I was ready. I am tired of everything lately and wish that things would just stay as the are, stay the same, until i can catch my breath.

ugh, look who's looking for a new place to live because her landlady is moving to Connecticut in less than a month? This chick.

When it rains it pours.

Working On It

After Kat picked me up from the airport this Sunday, we headed out for a late lunch with a few friends. The late lunch had little to do with the fact that I was back in town and hadn't seen anyone in two weeks. My friends like food and this dinner was planned in advanced, i just happened to be in town this weekend to attend.

The night before a friend from work threw a BBQ at her sisters house (who is away on vacation) and much of the same crowd from that gathering attended lunch at this small authentic southern food joint nearby. Despite wanting to see everyone and share stories about my trip, I was reluctant to go. I knew i was going to be tired from traveling, i knew that i needed some time by myself after spending a week in a hotel room with my mom, i have felt quite disconnected from most of my friends (more to do with my mood than my actual affection for them) and i didn't want to shake Chicago off so quickly.

All in all the trip last week was exactly what i needed. I was able to go away and not be me in a sense. I was a stranger in a new place and i liked the feeling. I adapted quickly to the city and the streets and the atmosphere and felt at home. Chicago is absolutely stunning; the city is surrounded by water and at times intercepted by it. You can't turn a corner without sensing you weren't too far from a beach or lake. Despite being a huge city, it often felt smaller and more intimate.  And everyone was extra friendly and nice, there were so many parks and local attractions. I didn't want to leave.

I had a much better time than my mom though. I have never considered the fact that my mom is getting older. I am still at an age where she seems pretty invincible to me. She was an active mom when my brother and I were younger. She'd pull us out of school sometimes just to take us to a park so we could play baseball or throw Frisbee's. Like me she is small but strong and because this is what i have known it's hard seeing her in any other light.

But she was diagnosed with diabetes two years ago and her health hasn't been that great since. Not terrible but not great. She's been exercising and eating better this past year but she is not as active as i remember. Her work conference only lasted 3 days and we had another four days to ourselves. While I wanted to ride bikes along the riverfront and head to museums (stuff she would have enjoyed doing some years ago), my mom had little interest in leaving the hotel. In fact had i not been there I think she would have spent the next four days in bed or worse she would have cut her trip short and headed home.

There were times when this inactivity annoyed me to no end. I can often times become readily annoyed by things. I am irritable. Not all the time of course but sometimes. With my mother especially I was put off by how little she wanted to do. I didn't want to go hiking or stay out past midnight. I didn't want to spend hours in shopping centers or take long bus tours with other strangers. I just wanted to take pictures and visit parks and eat great food. I was able to do some of this while i was there but often alone as my mom had little interest in participating. I take that back, she did participate but for only so long before she wanted to head back to the hotel.

It was sort of a bummer. At times i was taking her demeanor to heart especially when there were lapses of silence between us. She seemed bored and distracted most of the time. She constantly talked about my nephew and her desire to see him as soon as she got back home. Her energy was only reserved for so little activity and often times I preferred being by myself if only because i felt less stressed around her. It felt like we were on two different vacations. It felt like we were strangers.

I called my brother frequently for advice and reassurances about the mom situation. He told me that our awkward exchanges had little to do with how we felt about one another but about where we were in life. My mom is a grandmother who is a few short years away from retiring. Her days consist of work and home. She lives in a small southern town where her favorite pastime is going to thrift stores. She is settling down. And I couldn't relate to this new version of her because it differs so greatly from where I am in life. I guess i wanted us to share our differences rather than be distanced by them.

Regardless of the awkwardness we managed to enjoy the last day in Chicago together. I finally had a Chicago pizza and hotdog. We walked on the riverfront for a short time and we stumbled upon a used bookstore and record store within the same block. It wasn't a particularly magical day but it was good.

Of course when i landed in New York Sunday i was a little homesick for vacation. I love Chicago. I loved everything about being there. I have a strange fondness for being new because I rarely feel I fit in. And lately i don't feel at place anywhere. I have this desire to start over every few years. To try a new version of myself out in the world until i feel happy. And lately this desire has been relentless because my unhappiness is vast.

I am unhappy here. Just unhappy. A lot of it has to do with the fallout of the Sean drama (and today being his stupid 28th birthday isn't helping a girl out). A lot of it has to do with being 28 and having nothing to show for it. A lot of it has to do with loss and my continued feelings of emptiness. Everything here reminds me of something and that something usually causes an ache. This feeling was evident during dinner on Sunday, i just felt so disconnected from the familiar faces at the table. Kat kept asking me if I was okay and I replied 'of course' but I wasn't really.

I wanted to be somewhere else. Not necessarily Chicago even, just anywhere else. Though i joked relentlessly that I want to move there permanently I am not sure if the lure of the city has to do with the place itself or just my overwhelming eagerness to move on. To be somewhere new so maybe i will feel new. I don't know. I just don't know.

I sort of need the next few weeks to be great. I need a pick me up but i realize i will have to take huge steps myself to make things better. Not being on Facebook is a huge step. That motherfucker is a deathtrap of depression for me right now. I want to give myself a month away from that site, just for my sanity. Of course it feels a little weird but i'll adjust. I am trying to compile a list of things to look forward too; Kat's birthday being one of them. That girls been good to me and I want to celebrate her birthday as best possible. Outside of that i'm not sure but because crawling out of my skin and life in favor of a new one is not a possibility, i'll have to make do with what i have.

I think it's Love

I am back in New York after 7 glorious days in Chicago. My trip this time around was a vast improvement from my visit  this winter and i can honestly say i love that city and want to move there Asap. I have loads of pictures and videos to post (most of them using a 8mm app) and because i temporarily deleted my facebook account ( this week on social media is going to be rough thanks to someone's stupid birthday) I will post as much as i can right here. But first i need to shower and unpack a little and sleep. 

I had my interview with the other University today and I do no think it went well. I was all sorts of personable and adorable and enthusiast but one of the interviewers seemed unsatisfied by my lack of administrative experience. He was totally nice about it but when he found out that i have never worked with advising students about their curriculum he got all dull in the face and i got the sense that it was a deal-breaker.

Any other week i would totally be bummed about adding another bad interview to add to the list. Any other week i would lament about how shitty things are and how i am never going to get that studio apartment where i can make my own homemade lemonade. How nothing every seems to fall in my favor.  Any other week i'd feel defeated.

 But, not this week because i'm about to go on vacation so honestly the only fucks i care to give is delegated to packing and buying clothes and cleaning my room. My bucket list of things I want to see and take pictures of has been drafted. I am bringing my big fancy professional camera along and of course plan to take and instagram as many pictures from my phone (the above shot is from my first trip their) as possible.

I'm flying out early Sunday morning and will be in Chicago for a whole week. A whole week! The real world and it's shittiness will just have to wait until I get back.

~Beckett

I have an interview this Thursday for an administrative gig at another university and I have all sorts of mixed feeling about it.

I currently love the University I am working at. I have my own office. My hours accommodate sleeping in late while also ensuring I get out of work at a good time. It's only a 30 minute walk from my house. And the lady in the cafe hooks me up with extra chicken in my quesdilla. I also work on the same floor as the cute IT guy who i've have yet to form complete sentence in front of but there have been intense staring.

The problem is my job is only part time. I have no health insurance. I get no paid sick or vacation time. And there are no raises. The hourly rate i started at is the hourly rate i will make until i leave. If I had another part time job that wasn't Le Sad store I could realistically work two jobs for the next couple of years and survive as I have without a problem.

But lately i've been wanting things that have forced me to look for a 'real job' or at least a salary job. About a week ago we had this epic thunderstorm and I ran outside on the porch to watch it. I wore nothing but a flimsy skirt and t-shirt and listened to Smother by Daughter on my ipod. I have never been happier, which says a lot because the last few weeks have been tough. It was just me and the rain and music and I was incredibly happy. I spent an hour on the porch and when i finally went inside I realized that if all i could have were thunderstorms, lemonade and a porch to chill on i'd, right now anyway, be content.

And while i like where i live right now i really would like a space of my own. A small studio with a kitchen and a living room space. I want to be able to come home and have this place that is all mine. I want more space to decorate than my bedroom. I want to bring people into my home and have them feel comfortable. I want to be able to enjoy rainstorms and homemade lemonade from my own home.That's it. That's all i want right now.

Of course obtaining those things means I need to make more money and at this rate I'll be renting a small room forever if i don't figure something out soon. Change has always freaked me out though and I am nervous about the possibility of working at a new school. I have no real sound reasons for this apprehension, i just do. For this reason i was only applying to positions at my current University because of comfort but I've either heard nothing back or gone on shit interviews like the one last Thursday.

It was for a position on the undergrad campus which i spent an hour getting two via the schools limited summer transport. While i got there early for my interview I had to wait an extra 45 minutes because my interviewer wasn't ready. When i finally met with her she informed me that she was an HR Manager and that this interview was just the first of many to come should i be deemed fit for the position. She spent 10 minutes going over my resume (verbatim) and then dismissed me.

I was not pleased, especially because I took off of work to meet with her and this interview could have been done over the phone. She did not get a thank you for meeting with me email. And she won't.

I was actually hoping not too much in the job hunting department would happen this week because of my Chicago trip but the assistant to the Dean of whatever called today and was uber nice and excited to talk to me and I have an interview this Thursday.

Fingers crossed I guess. I could really use a nice studio apartment and kitchen to make lemonade and a chill space of my own to listen to dope tunes.

In less than two weeks i will be in Chicago with my mom for a short vacation. I know, what?!?!?!?!

In the weirdest turn of events my mom has a work conference in Chicago for 7 days and asked me to come along since my last visit was limited and underwhelming. She had no intention of going at first but I sort of begged her to go on the all paid for trip and to bring me along because she's my mom and loves me and stuff. 

So yea, less than two weeks away i will return to Chicago like a prodigal child. I am very excited about this. 

You don't know how much i need this freaking vacation. Or maybe you do. I am tired and lonely and feeling in the pits lately about everything. 

After a small panic attack last week I decided to email Sean and tell him not to contact me anymore. Of course because it's me, the letter was a lot nicer than he deserved. I told him that i appreciate him trying to stay in touch but that i am no longer apart of his life or the one is creating for himself. I told him i wish things could have turned out differently and that i hope he has a great life as i will not be a part of it.

I now wish I would have written something meaner and that I sent that meaner version to his fiance (where i said things like:  he is lucky i stayed in contact with him this long. that he doesn't deserve kindness from me. that i am angry at him for taking advantage of me and that i don't wish him or his fiance luck. The fiance whose email i now have and want so desperately to email about how shitty and sketchy her boyfriend is. And that i can describe how he looks naked and that he said he wishes she would die so he didn't have to deal with her. I would end the letter wishing them a loveless and unhappy union for as long as their sham relationship lasts).

 But i decided that was too harsh and to be the better man and take the high road. So I hit send on my nicer version and waited nervously near my computer for a response. 

The response i got was typical of Sean: which means i was disappointed, confused and fucking angry. I don't even think he read my email because if he had the last thing he would have responded with was: "I got you sand from another country. But i can't tell you which one. ~Sean" . That's it. That's what he wrote. I spent two days drafting my email and he writes back that he got me sand. SAND

I was disappointed because I wanted an actual response from him. I of course wanted a 'you're right. I'm awful and  I don't deserve you'. I was confused because did he even read my email? Did he read the part where i told him i was not going to be around for him anymore. Did he read the part where i said our lives aren't going in the same direction. Did he read the whole 'goodbye Sean' line????

But mainly i left feeling angry because his response meant he either read the letter but is not validating what i wrote OR he didn't read the letter and is still trying to string me along via hope. Hey Beckett i got you sand from another country. Remember how happy you were when i brought you sand back from Delaware!!! So that means i am thinking about  you while i am at sea. And that when i get home i''ll have something to bring to you. Because i love you and i'm sorry i'm a douche".

What bugs me though is that it's a fucking lie. Because Sean lies to make things easier. He's just not very good at lying. Because honestly where the fuck Sean getting this sand from. I mean really. He is on a boat. In the middle of the ocean. I assume they are on land for some time but not enough time for him to magically collect sand and bring it aboard. He did not collect sand for me (even if he did it wouldn't mean anything) He lied and created a story to keep me interested. He lied so i'd stick around. He lied because it was easier than the truth.  

Ugh. That motherfucker.

Since then i have been in a funk. Not even because of Sean and his shit ways but because lately everything feels different. I don't feel like i have attachments to many people anymore. Kat has her new job which is making it damn near impossible to hang out with her. I am never at Le Sad store, due to me quitting soon, and when i am there I am bored by what people want to tell me about. Everyone around me seems to have someone or some thing to keep them occupied and here i am getting emails about Sand. Sand.

So i am more than ready for this vacation. This time around it'll just be my mom and I and we already have a bucket list of things we want to see and do. I need time to be away from everything that reminds me of how things use to be. I am excited to be in this new place where no one knows who i am. I am not heartbroken Beckett. I am not displaced friend. I am not annoyed employee. I am not sad girl-sweat pants.

I'll just be in this girl in a big beautiful city snapping pictures and wearing cute dresses. For a whole entire week. I need that.

Why Won't They Just Leave Me Alone :(

from: [my email address]
to: {sean's father email address]
cc: [sean's military email address]
sent: Saturday 10:45am 
subject: Re: Letters to my Son 

Dear Mr. {Sean's Dad}

I received both your Facebook message and email and am glad to hear that Sean is doing well. It has been some time since Sean and I have really talked so your updates are  appreciated. Unfortunately our lack of contact has much to do with the fact that while Sean is deployed his limited communication should pertain to family and close friends and we have mutually come to a conclusion that I don't really met either of those requirements these days. While he is deployed we  decided to limit our contact as to give each other space to accomplish our goals independently. 

I want to thank you for all that you and [your wife] have done for me these last few months. I understand the desire to share Sean's successes with me despite our decision to support one another from a distance. If you hear from Sean tell him I have received all of his messages on facebook and from his email and that I hope he is doing okay and that he is happy and safe out on the sea. I think about him often and can only hope that he is well. I wish you all the best and continue to expect only great and adventurous things from your family even if i am cheering you on from the sidelines. It's been a pleasure knowing you all and i thank you for having me along for this journey however short and brief it was.  

Sincerely, 

Beckett Amelia Hughes. 

Return to Sender

No one tells you that being a person, whatever that means, is pretty hard. Pretty fucking hard and some days, despite your best efforts, you just don't feel like having to be a person for a second. NOT in the suicidal way of course. I guess i should preface that before i start ranting about not wanting to be a person these days.

As this is a space for me to talk about my personal going on's, i apologize in advance if the boy drama becomes tiresome to read about. I don't really have anyone to talk to, in my daily life, about how i am feeling these days. Not because there aren't people around; there definitely are. But being able to express how i am really holding up about stuff has always been easier and more honest in written form.

My automatic reply for how am i doing these past few days has been "fine" 'okay" "hanging in there' "-meh, things could be better but ya know'. My facade is placid. I am all shrugs and wry smiles. The exterior has to pass for okay so people don't start worrying. Depression makes people worry naturally. The thing is when the depression surrounds a boy, people are less sympathetic. You are expected to just move on, get over it, function like a normal person...because heartbreak is nothing new or unique. So on the outside i've been doing my best to pass as a functioning human being as to avoid the look of annoyance.

 On the inside however I AM A FUCKING HOT MESS. The hottest mess ever. Not going to lie it feels good writing that down as i fight back the tears that are forming at the base of my eyeball. How is it possible to cry this much. Where are the tears even stored in my small body. Seriously, where are they stored.

As of Monday Sean is on deployment for the next 9 months. This should be a relief. Having him home for two weeks was not great. And while he was waiting to be deployed for 11 days in Florida it was even harder. Now he will be out of my life in every way for 9 whole months and i hope in that time it will be become easier without him.

Before he left however he reached out to me during moments of loneliness and nostalgia. He didn't say any of the things i wanted him to say. He didn't go above or beyond the bare minimal. But because our relationship often feels like two people clinging to each other to prevent each other from falling, i clung to him as much as he held on to me out of fear of what crashing feels like rather than anything else.

But it is never and will never be enough for that boy. Just before he left he uploaded a picture on fb of him and his gf from his college graduation (which was four years ago). Despite the big graduation she was unable to attend just a few months ago the lasting image he wanted everyone to see was a celebratory image of them together. And most everyone who liked on commented thought the image was taken from his graduation from the Naval Academy. The one i attended. The one i showed up for.

To say I was pissed and/or crushed when i came across the picture would be an understatement. But i wasn't surprised. Not at all. I wished he had better tact. I wished the light-bulb in his pea sized brain would turn on. But i wasn't surprised. I an perceptive and knowledgeable of things I cannot see. And in some weird way i know this boy, i do not understand him, but i know him. And at this point i don't want anything from him except for him to know that he hurt me. I wish he could feel what i am going through.But i know he is incapable of doing so.

What is more annoying is that on Monday before he set sail he sent me the shipping address for the boat he will be on for the next 9 months. As if i am going to write him letters while he is at sea. This is not the fucking notebook (a movie for which i have not seen but i assume letter writing occurred based on how many gifs from this movie appear on my tumblr feed). I am not going to send letters to him as i did when he was in boot camp because that worked out really well for me.

 I am not going to give him anymore of my words where i profess how much i care about him and miss him and want him to be safe out there at sea. I will not pen anymore letters with stories of my happenings to help him pass the time while he is out there. I will not invest anymore words on a boy who has so dismissively stepped on them as if they weren't delicate. I will not.

But.

It doesn't mean i don't want to ( I won't based on the previous statements. He literally told me he had no time to see me while he was home. And i should have been the one person he had the most time for). It doesn't mean I don't, despite everything, want to write him letters that will sustain him. like a life source. Because the part of me that won't do any of those things is met with the other part of me that desires to. I know things. I can't explain them but i do. And despite everything i still on some absurd level want to offer comfort to a boy who has not shown me an ounce of kindness this past year. I'll never be able to explain why.

Of course I will fight the urge to send him anything. Also, per my moms suggestion, should anything come in the mail from Sean it will be returned to sender. No explanation needed. I have to cut things off now or continued to be dragged in the mug.

But it has been a fight to distance this boy from my thoughts. If my facade is placid and stoic I am handling this 'breakup' inwardly like a girl losing her goddamn mind:. I've sobbed in various corners in public. I have avoided contact with people who aren't my close personal friends. I have moments of Beyonce confidence followed only by Fiona Apple angst. I bought new shoes, do i have the money for them, no, do i feel better having them, yes. yes. I do. I've created 2 breakup playlists which i have played repeatedly and then cried to. I haven't worn pants in days (skirts are easier to drag myself into) and yet i have worn some bum ass hoodies to emphasize that clearly i cannot properly dress myself. I called my cat my best friend yesterday, followed by a hug he had to escape from due to the crying. I call my mom constantly to vent and fake sob. Pizza is my new best friend. along with sweat pants and netflix. I eat pizza, in sweat pants watching netflix. I constantly find myself lying in the fetal position praying that i can not be a person just for a little while longer. Because being a person is fucking hard. I'd rather be a lump in my bed under covers trying to come to terms with the mess he has made than a person who has to pretend she's okay.

Because i am a  HOT FUCKING MESS. As with most things i feel every emotion on a large scale. And this, well this is a whole new territory.

Survivor Girl

Despite warnings from damn near everyone....I wanted to see Sean during his time home for leave. It's something i had to do. It's something that after four years needed to be done.

I don't think i will ever be able to explain what attracted me to this boy. I was interested in him from the beginning, i'm not going to lie. But then Marie died and it was like i sought something in him that i wasn't getting from anyone else. I wanted to distance myself from the girl i was when Marie was alive. And being around Sean made me feel different.

I won't ever be able to explain it any other way. I hate to even use Marie as an excuse. Because i may have ended up here anyway. But after she died, I desired to be new. And being around Sean I was able to wear new versions of myself every day because he didn't give a shit.

But then the feels happened. And my grief subsided and i wanted more from Sean. more than surface level interactions. I wanted to be whole again with him. But he just wasn't available/receptive enough for any of that. What he wanted and what i needed never matched up on all sorts of levels.

The only thing i'll regret about my relationship with Sean is not ending it after the fiasco that was last summer. even if he was lying. even if he was scared. even if he didn't mean too hurt me the bottom line is that he did and so easily to save himself.

The way he acted and reacted never matched up with his words or promises to do better. He'd say i'm sorry as if they were points to earn in a game. And instead of seeing that as a way out I held on tightly because i thought he would change. I needed him too. I wanted on some primitive level to fit in.

It's hard to explain without getting uber teary. So instead i'll use an antidote/memory to stave my tears:

When i was in the fourth grade our class  raised baby chickens. We received eggs and incubated them and watched as they hatched into little baby chickies.  We were all so fucking excited with their growth and development. We made bets on which egg would hatch first and I remember the day we spent hours deciding on names.

By the time the chicks hatched a few of us signed up to take them home for the weekend to take care of. Of course some of the chicks died before any of us had the chance but the one i named lived the longest and the week leading up to his stay at my house i made a little fort in my room for him to live. I wanted to be the best surrogate parent for the chick. I wanted to make sure he was the most comfortable in my house. I read up on how to take care of him. I readied myself for the feeding time. I even gave my own pet cockatiel Birdy (cause i'm dope with names) the responsibility of being our temporary housemate new best friend.

I was prepared.

But a couple of days before I was to have my turn taking care of the chick he died at one of my classmates house. Like that my plans and desire and hopes to be the best caretaker ever were taken away and when i got home i had to take down the fort i built for him. I had to resign myself to the loss.

I often feel like this fourth grade version of myself. That things don't have a place for me.That my strong desires to have a 'home' always teeter on the brink of collapse. That nothing does nor will belong to me. That i don't know how to keep things. I can't make things stay. I can't make people stay. That whatever home i have built is not suitable for occupancy.

And i must admit when it was good, I felt like i had a companion in Sean. I liked fitting in with him. I liked that he felt like mine, temporarily of course.

But of course that was not the case. The last few months especially have proved that.  There is a quote that says something along the lines of 'indecision is a decision' and my inability to get a straight answer out of Sean, about anything,  should have sparked some insight into the course of our relationship.But love or affection or whatever is what i felt for him was a blinder.

At the beginning of May, after the surprise engagement, i decided i was out. It wasn't easy being in love with a boy who had a girlfriend, i definitely couldn't contend with him now being engaged. So contact was shut off. Simple as that.

 But then his dad called and asked if i'd talked to Sean because he hadn't heard from him and that he last heard was that Sean was coming home at the end of May. Which i sort of knew because it was the last thing he said to me after "hey i'm engaged because my girl has a tumor behind her eye'. So after speaking to his dad i messaged Sean to ask when he was coming home. This was exactly  two weeks ago. The motherfucker said 'i'll be home Wednesday'.

I suspect that he was never going to tell me he was even coming home had i not asked. He had no intention of seeing me or talking about things because 'indecision is a decision'.

And turns out is Sean is at least consistent in one thing...letting me down. Though at this point i only expect so little from him. I have only seen him twice since he's been home. He flies out tomorrow for a 9 month deployment. He hasn't even called to say goodbye. Our Sunday meet up was a hot mess, We argued for two hours in a car. He said he wasn't going to change for me of all people and that I am the problem. I think too much. I am annoying. I talk too much. Why should i feel entitled to him staying in contact. I need to grow up. Then he asked if I wanted to see him in his uniform.

Motherfucker is crazy.

Wednesday we agreed to hang out and it went by smoothly only because i was complacent. Sean likes getting a reaction out of me. So on Wednesday i was the most charming girl in the whole entire world. I was reaction-less. I put on my happy person face. I laughed at all his jokes. I didn't disagree with him. I was a puppy and he lapped it up. When we got to my house he said that i would have to be the one who put in the effort. That he was really busy the rest of the week but that he would try to squeeze in time for me ONLY if i initiated first. I smiled and told him i would. I would call him and I could see him before he left.

I then climbed the stairs to my house. Waved goodbye. And blocked all communication from him. I've put in more than my fair share. I shouldn't have to accept the bare essentials. I am not the one who needs to put in a fucking effort.

But before you cheer me on and tell me 'you go Beckett' i'm so proud of you' "Sean aint shit you deserve better'....you should know that i am hurt by Sean. By this situation. By my own desires.  I am crushed. I won't go as far as heartbroken but my heart has been chipped. I do not feel like a champion in this. I do not feel like the better person. Instead I feel wounded. I feel unwanted. not good enough. I'm not going to lie and say that i didn't hope and pray and cry that Sean would call me these last few days. I wanted to be important and the only reason it has been so hard to ignore him these last few days is because he's made no effort to contact me.

It feels like he has washed his hands of me. I didn't fit the mold, so i was expelled. This part of me will, for now, never feel like he was the one who missed out. For now, i will feel like the reject. Sean was my chickie. He was someone i was willing to build a fort for. I just wanted to take him home and care for him and be loved by him. And right now what I am feeling is the process of cleaning up what i had built for him. It is more solemn than celebratory. My heart went into battle for a war not worth fighting. I am sad. And i am embarrassed that i continue to feel this way even after every thing.

I wish i could love things that were softer. I do not know why i am drawn to sharp things.

Sean is coming home tomorrow. He'll be in town for six days. The bullshit is about to hit the fan. I do not have the strength to deal with this shit.

Changes.

I am quitting le sad store.

July 27th is the date.

Lord Give Me Strength Part Deux

Me: I don't think i've ever seen you happy. Not as happy as you've told people you are?

Sean: I believe you are correct

Me: Then what are you doing? 
Me: Why are you doing this?

Sean: not many people see that i am more likely neutral or insanely pissed off but hide it behind an act of laughter and jackassery


Sean: but you're wrong too?


Me: how am i wrong about this [his engagement/unhappiness]?


Sean: u have seen me genuinely happy, because u've made me genuinely happy


Me: I don't know what i'm supposed to do Sean. You've put me in a weird position.


Sean: i think i should come home and talk to u face to face if u want


Me: And what will you say


Sean: I will say words, like always.

[End Chat Session]

'Lord Give Me Strength'

Me: so when were you going to tell me about the engagement

Sean: [my gf's] health is not the best

Sean: I figured I might be able to do something about that  thru navy benefits

Sean: she has a tumor behind her eye

Me: ????????

Me: So you're marrying her so she gets your navy benefits?

Sean: no

Sean: i'm not married

Sean: and no time soon

Sean: it looks like 

Me: But if you aren't married how is she going to get your benefits?

Me: I'm confused

Sean: It's confusing, so you are not wrong

Sean: my family is giving me the business about how i should be getting married 

Sean: but they are scaring her away

Me: so they want you to get married. but they are scaring her away. she needs your benefits but you aren't getting married soon for her to use them. sorry.not sorry but this is confusing. 

Sean: accept it. 

Sooner Than I Thought

Sean got engaged to his gf last night.

I am never wrong about these things

Once More With Feeling

Boy oh boy, this being a person with feelings thing is difficult. Just difficult. I wish there was an off switch for them. A temporary one of course, but a switch nonetheless.

I have always been an over thinker. Always. More often a fault than an asset, i analyze the shit out of everything because to me everything has a meaning. Absolutely everything. I like to interpret things as well. And because everything has meaning, everything is open for interpretation. Absolutely everything.

This ability/ desire / need to understand things has made me a perceptive person. I have an internal radar for nuances. I make predictions based on subtitles because once again everything has meaning and anything can be interpreted. And these perceptions, however far fetched at the time, have proven right more so than wrong.

I can tell when someone is upset based on the smallest details in their face. I know when someone is lying just from the infliction of their voice. I know things, i just know them. Like when it's going to rain even before the dark clouds show up. I know when bad news is coming just from a 'feeling' that resides in the back of my throat; where i hold back my tears.  I know things even when i can't see them. Whether from prediction or interpretation, i know things. My instincts are like a flashlight in a dark room. I know what things are even when they are obscured by shadows.

In my relationship however this has not always been such a good thing. I'll get a bad vibe or feeling about a person or a certain situation and i'll remain un-wavered by my initial thoughts. It can be pretty frustrating on several levels because a) i trust my gut so much that even without facts to back it up I don't ever think i'm wrong. And b) if i am proven wrong it can be devastating. I feel devastated. I am ashamed. I am humbled. But mainly i am devastated.

On one end if my first impression of you is sketchy i have no desire to establish a relationship initially. This happens a lot at Le Sad Store where every week we lose and get new people. Because of this I am not friendly to the new people, definitely not rude, but if i get a 'wrong vibe' from the start i can be a little dismissive and aloof. Case in point: there is this one new girl who i  haven't even attempted to get to know because during her orientation she walked around with a straw in her mouth and played with it constantly. I thought i was witnessing a sex act on a poor innocent straw. I don't know why this annoyed me but it did and I haven't given this poor girl or her straw sucking abilities a shot since.

But this is the rare instance where my gut is just being a judgmental dick. I'm human after all. I am not always sugar and spice and everything nice. I am never mean. or malicious but i am definitely not above giving a mean side eye every once and awhile. When i am wrong about a person in this regards i feel ashamed and guilty because I didn't give a good person a chance based on a bad day. Kat and I hated each other when we first met because she thought i was a snob and i thought she was mean. Clearly i was wrong. Sometimes i am wrong. Sometimes being wrong is great.

Where the devastation part comes into play is when i am wrong about someone i have let past the initial screening. When i have done that stupid thing where i put someone on a pedestal based on my gut. And because i believe my gut is never wrong i find it hard to take them down from it even when the evidence begins to pile up. Even when i can see the lies in the nuances. Even when i have discovered things in the dark. I find it devastating and hard to accept that i was wrong about a person that i gave a shot too. In this instance being wrong is terrible.

This is what I've been feeling lately. If my mood could be surmised in a word it would be disenchanted. And for such a pretty sounding word, the feeling is unbearable. I am experiencing more good days than bad if i can be honest. Last weekend Kat and I went to the city and saw a play and walked around central park and took pictures and ate cupcakes. It was amazing, the weather was delightful. I wore a polka dot dress and everything was right with the world. When i have plans and am surrounded by people i am okay. I don't over think too much. I don't over-analyze. I exist in the now:  in the sunshine and the warmth.

It is when i am alone that it's hard. I go over every single detail trying to figure out where everything went wrong. This weekend I had off from Le Sad Store and i proclaimed it No Pants Weekend because i had no plans and wanted to spend it at home. So i got some good reads from the library, planned some DIY projects and vowed not to wear any pants until Monday. And it went well for the most part. There was a lot of dancing and video game playing and cat naps. I tend to reread novels for comfort so i easily read through one of my favorite books. And I didn't put on pants for two days. It was glorious.

But every once in a while, during the mid-activities silence I'd stop and reflect on the last year of my life with The Boy and i'd get angry for being wrong about him. I'd get pissed at myself for everything that happened. And not in the jaded, men are terrible way. I love men. I think they are great and some are really nice to look at and talk too. But because when i should have called it quits I didn't. When i should have listened to my gut i ignored it for THIS boy. What the fuck.What the hellery fuck.

And even now i still continue to question my gut despite everything. Since the big deletion we have been in 'some' contact. I ain't gonna lie. He called the job looking for me because after 14 days he noticed we hadn't talked and that i deleted him from facebook and blocked him from calling my phone. 2 whole weeks. He was taken aback by my decision to block him but then we sort of carried on as if nothing happened. Literally. He asked me how i was doing, I told him i was doing okay, he took my somewhat cheerful tone to mean I wasn't pissed at him, he then told me he'd be home in May for a little while and then sent me a friend request on facebook and asked if we could Skype later.

????

 In our short exchanges since we haven't once talked about why i blocked him. Honestly he doesn't deserve an explanation or an entry back into my life. But not addressing it bugs the hell out of me because it sort of devalues my reasoning behind it. But i am at fault too. I could have shut him down when he made contact. But the boy gives so little that i often mistake his small gestures for grand ones though by normal standards they would still fall under the curve. I kept some of my restriction but i didn't turn away his attempt to stay in contact because it isn't easy admitting that you were wrong about someone.

Because of this I've been doubting myself the last couple of days. Not my gut self but the self that wanted to be with this boy. I start to wonder if what i am asking from him is too much. I don't know how this works. I've never had a relationship like this before. I've never felt like as i do know. Am i being too needy? Are my expectations too unreasonable? Am I pushing him away? Am I the one fucking up? Is my constant 'what the fuck are we doing' conversations annoying? Are my instincts wrong?

These are the ramblings that have been going on in my head the last couple of days. I can't stop them. I have placed the blame on myself (again) instead of accepting that i was wrong. I was wrong about Sean. He is not the boy i want in my life. He is never going to be. Whatever I was clinging too was wrong. Whatever I thought he had to offer was wrong. I let him in and he stepped all over me, i should have listened to my gut. I am so devastated that i didn't and that i wasted so much time missing out on anyone else.

I don't know much about relationships but i do know whatever i had with Sean was fucked up. I felt so lonely and replaceable with him. I shouldn't have to ask someone to devote time to being with me. I once had a dream that Sean and I were hanging out and afterwards he charged me for it. I had to pay  him because dream Sean wouldn't see me any other way. And honestly it's how i felt in my waking life with him. His time was always too valuable and I should be grateful of the little time he offered to spare me.

The 6 months leading up to him joining the Navy was complete nonsense. Almost non-stop arguing and backpedaling. I'd either wanted him in my life or I wanted him out of it. I'd get visibly upset over both small and huge offenses. And my outbursts made me think that I was in the wrong. I was the one who couldn't let shit go and just move on. But my anger had more to do with the fact that I never got what i wanted from Sean and for myself.I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to be his priority. And because i wasn't, i felt like disenchanted when i was with him. It was like putting a starving person in front of a plate of food and then yanking it away before they could touch any of it.

The whole situation was/ is manipulative and unfair. A little cruel and hurtful. And while he's been away it's only intensified because i have gone above and beyond for someone who just considers me a friend. I wrote him letters, i talked to his parents, i went to his graduation, I extended the trip so i could spend my birthday with him. I was dutiful. I am dutiful. And were i his gf, i wouldn't have an issue with any of this. Not at all. I love supporting the people i love. It gives me a sense of purpose.

But then he graduated and everything i thought would happen did. I had done all the work and it didn't pay off. He didn't break up with his girlfriend. He didn't make anything official with me. The opposite happened. We established less contact then when he had a pen and a few pieces of paper to write me. And i'd call him out on it all the time. I eluded to how i felt; that i was doing so much more than i needed too for a boy who refused to give me what i need back

And what i wanted from Sean, want i needed from him, was a future. I can deal with the distance and the spotty communication. I can deal with the changes and differences. I didn't mind extended my best self because i wanted a future with him.

Lately my gut feelings have been working overtime. I know when Sean comes back into town i will be the least of his concerns. Despite going to his graduation and establishing a pretty good relationship with his parents and sending him snail mail while he was in boot camp... he is not coming home to me. He is never coming home to me. And worse yet i have this feeling that he is going to ask his 'gf' to marry him because all a Sailor needs in a girl on his arm for all the world to see. Even if that girl is a lost cause.

 I know things. I just know them. Even when i can't see it, i know things. And what i know to be true is breaking my heart more than the actual boy. Because even during our limited correspondence the last couple of days he expects things from me that I have no interest providing for a boy i have no future with. Le sigh. I really wish there was an off button. It would make everything so much easier.