Thanks Santa

So, um Christmas was amazing! Every year I have high hopes for a miracle or lifetime-isque close to the holidays and I am surprised and delighted by how I came to experiencing that this year. Last year i was such a mess and things were so blurry that I don't remember much of it. I felt alone and scared and depressed out of my mind. I was a mess. And looking back on this year, I'll admit, I didn't know how I was going to make it. Or what my life would look like on the other side of grief

 But I promised myself that the month of December wouldn't be this black cloud every year. That for a month of cheesy holiday music and movies, hopes and desires,  I'd miss my best friend but appreciate the years I had with her. Which also means being okay with the life i've created for myself now that she's gone.

And this month was fucking magical. It had it's terrible moments but for the most part it was magical. I put up some awesome christmas lights and spent my mornings sipping hot chocolate and reading great books

Heather and I baked cookies and brownies last Friday. It was better than i expected. While she has a tendency of getting on my nerves our night was filled with nostalgia and cookie dough. We talked about everything, laughed at the absurdity of the quarter life crisis and watched Doctor Phil. Because what else were we going to do.

We made enough cookies to split between us. Kat and I decided that this year we wanted to make gift boxes for our closest friends at work (5 people) and then personalize holiday cards for everyone else. On Saturday she came over my house and we lounged in pajama's, listened to dope christmas music and filled out 50 holiday cards for our co-workers attached with a Hershey kiss and hug! For the boxes we added the cookies Heather and I made, a mix cd, candy, and a personalized item for each person.

 It took us four hours! And by the end of the card signing and box stuffing we were cranky and tired but glad that we contributed to the holiday spirit. We exchanged gifts before she left and I got a motherfucking waffle maker!!!!! And some other dope gifts (the bag is from a suicide awareness orgazination. The pencil case is from Sherlock Holmes...and yeah, and I got a Buffy Necklace!!!!)

On Sunday....Sean finally bought my snowflake sheets. We worked the same shift that day and he said we could go after work to pick them out. Before we went shopping though he asked me if we could watch a movie at my house (snerks gerks!) just for a little while (it's a long story but i've never seen Pulp Fiction and our friend bought the movie for me to watch. I hadn't yet). While I would have said no just a few days ago, the realization that I wouldn't see him for a whole week got to me. So i said sure but that he couldn't laugh when he saw how girly it was.

We went to my house right after work and he stayed for over an hour! He sat in my pink butterfly chair while I camped out on the bed and we watched Pulp Fiction. He kept looking at my room and said he liked it. That it was me. It was sweet. During the movie he kept glancing at me and I'd say
what" and he would reply that he was just making sure I was paying attention.

We watched a good chunk of it before we realized it was late. I walked him to his car and we hugged out it. I thanked him for coming over and he said that he had a good time watching it with me.

Le sigh. I like him.

I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my aunt and cousins! We watched a ton of movies and drank eggnog. We went to sleep that night with snow falling. In the morning I made breakfast (pancakes, hash browns, cinnamon rolls and eggs) and I must say everything was pretty tasty. My aunt bought me an awesome pajama set and perfume and later that night we had ham and apple cider.

When I got home Sean left me a text wishing me a Merry Christmas and that he missed me. Kat thanked me for her gifts. And I opened some awesome gifts from my mom before falling into the best sleep ever.

This year has been really rough. I have more downs than ups if i can be honest, but the last few days have been splendid and lovely and I am happy. Incredibly and utterly happy.

Waiting For A Christmas Miracle.

Welp, Christmas sort of snuck up on me this year.

I don't know where my head is at these days. I feel like I just got back from Thanksgiving break. How in the hell is it Wednesday? How in the hell is Christmas less then a week away.

I woke up today in a near panic because I spent the night wrapping my moms gifts so that I could mail them this morning. But yesterday I had a holiday Christmas party at the law school, followed by a trip to the mall and target for last minute shopping, followed by actual work and then a meet up with Kat so we could fill out holiday cards for people at work. I got home around 7. Wrapped my mom's gift and checked the status of my online orders that have not come in yet and then passed out around 11.

I didn't wake up until 10am! And that was only because Kat's boot broke at work and she wanted to know if I had any she could borrow. I hurried off to the post office to mail my mom's gift, then to the store and literally gave her the shoes I was wearing (i had sneakers with me) and then scurried to the mall for a last minute purchase. I feel like I haven't had a moment of silence or clarity the last couple of weeks. And i am a little stressed.

It also doesn't help that every year, despite how old I get, I hold out for some Christmas miracle. My expectations are always so fucking high that by New Years I have cursed the year for it's awfulness and disappointment. But last Christmas I was such a fucking mess. I didn't want to celebrate the holiday at all. I don't remember what i did for Christmas to be honest. I think i went to my aunts house. I think I opened gifts. I remember being a piss poor guest though no one seemed to notice. I was a ghost.

I promised myself that i would try to enjoy myself this year. That i would evoke the spirit of Christmas passed and appreciate my time with family and friends. But Lifetimes movies and childhood have ruined me for life I want it to snow on Christmas. I want to be kissed under a mistletoe. I want amazing thoughtful gifts from friends. I want to feel lovely and special and that everything will be okay. I want a happy ending to this very interesting last year.

Instead, Kat and I have had no time to hang out because of holiday hours and conflicting schedules. We barely see each at work and texting has been our main form of communication (or rushed visits at work to say hi to her). This weekend we plan to exchange gifts (if hers comes in time) and then finish up last minute gift wrapping for friends.

A good friend from work has expressed interest in dating me. He came up to me a week ago and passively asked me what i would do if I was secretly in love with one of my best friends. Inside i rolled my eyes, because it is no secret that he likes me, and I told him i wouldn't know what'd i do though i have been in a similar situation before. He asked if this was a recent situation. I told him yes. He asked how the situation played out. I told him it didn't because I got tired of waiting for the guys feelings to catch up with mine.

I think he thought i was talking about him, so i quickly added that I'd make sure that the person liked me back before confessing anything. Needless to say the last few weeks have been awkward between us. I have a tendency of sending mixed signals. Around Sean I am mean and distant. I get angry at him quickly and am quick to find fault so i can judge because I am madly deeply in like with this asshole. With said friend, who i have no interest in dating, i am friendly and flirty. I play into his idea that we could be a couple. I'll hold his hand and say the stupidest things because I'm...not...madly...in....like with me. I don't know what is wrong with.

In the Sean department we are still...us. The other week we went to another wrestling party at our friends house. To say it was a disaster would be an understatement. Just thinking about it now makes me mad. In a nutshell, he was a sweat heart on the way to her house. We talked and laughed and danced to really loud music. We get to her house and he becomes an asshole. I am not into wrestling so I sat in the corner by myself watching the event but not saying much. So he chimes in that if i just planned on not participating at the party i shouldn't have come.

I sulked the rest of the night. Cried on the way home. When I saw him a week later at work I ignored him. But he wouldn't leave me alone so i told him that i was sick of the way we are. That something needs to get better between us because it's difficult being his friend (who he is mean too) and it's obvious that I'm not his girl (even though he have a non-sexual though intimate relationship). He apologized, said he'd try harder with me that I put a lot of pressure on him to be something he isn't (true). He asked what i wanted for Christmas. I told him, don't laugh, that I'd really like some bedsheets because I like decorating my room based on the season and that I'd hadn't bought winter themed bedsheets yet. He asked me if I was serious. I told him to forget it and that he didn't have to buy me anything. But he said if it's what i really wanted he would get it for me. But instead of going to the store and buying them for me he attempted to give me the cash for the sheets instead because buying them for me would 'take too much time".

I don't think this fucker will ever understand and i am constantly let down by my expectations and his lack of follow through.

Christmas is less then a week away and to be honest it hasn't felt very christmasy around here. I haven't had time to sit down and just watch a good Christmas movie on television or bake cupcakes. This Friday Heather and I (friend from new job) are baking cookies at her house. Then this weekend I hope to exchange gifts with Kat. I surprisingly have Christmas Eve off, which is a first! I'm going to sleep in and if the presents from my mom come in time I'll open them then. Naturally I am also holding out from some other campy Christmas miracles. Snow, a confession of love from Sean, an affordable apartment and a kitty named Jack. Fingers crossed, I guess but i won't hold my breath.

Tears and Fears

When I was in therapy I was told that I have a tendency of putting other people before myself. I can't remember how we got to this conclusion but we did and it is one of the conversations i replay over and over again.

I vaguely remember telling him this story about a time I stood up for a girl when I was in the sixth grade. She was someone who clearly could not defend herself and when i saw that she, a person i had not spoken too before, was corned by a group of ashats yelling cruel things to her ('ugly retard' is what stood out to me) i put my own fears of retaliation behind me and yelled "what if she were you're sister! stop making fun of her!". I then dragged the sobbing girl away from the crowd of leering bullies and told her i'd walk her to class. She said something along the lines of 'but wont they just make fun of you now' and i told i didn't think that far ahead to worry about that but that we should get to homeroom and forget this ever happened.

I told my therapist that i didn't understand why it was so easy for me to defend other people but when it came to defending myself I continued to fail at doing so. And he looked at me as if he couldn't believe that answer didn't smack me in the face: because you always puts someone else first instead of yourself, of course defending yourself is hard. It's the ultimate form of putting yourself out there.

And i can't believe that after all these years being able to express hurt and anger and disappointment to other people is hard for me. When i get upset I immediately boil the feelings up. I let it sit and stir and fester until i lash out. I am the queen of silent treatment. I have earned multiple gold medals in passive aggression. Even now i don't know how to value my own feelings enough to speak up when it is me on the end of the teasing or the tears or the anger. And i am finding it less and less productive.

These next few week are going to be weird. I don't want to say it is going to be emotionally and mentally devastating but i'm not going to say it isn't going to be tough to hold it all together. Thursday is Marie's birthday (forever i was convinced her birthday fell on the 5th of December but alas, December 6th it is) . She would have turned 27. I am going to call her mom tomorrow just to...I don't know. Speak to her, ask how she is doing, let her know how i am doing. I want to reiterate all the things I wrote in the letter i sent her a year ago. I want to let her know that someone else out there misses her daughter as much as she does. And maybe it won't mean anything. Maybe it will. But it's something i want to do for myself.

This year has gone by so fucking quickly. So much has changed and I still can't believe that I've gotten to this date and time and moment without her. It's unbelievable. I find myself replaying the events from last year over in my head a lot. It's easy to do when I have posts that remind me of the week leading up to her death and the weeks after. It's easy to do when I hang out with friends, pine over Sean, go home and realize that she isn't apart of it anymore. I can't whine to her. I can't ask for her advice. And sometimes that knowledge is a punch in the gut or a tearful moment in a corner at work or in the passenger seat of a dumb boys car.

I have been spiraling more than i've let on. I have not found a way to cope that is positive. I want to go to therapy again because the hardest part of grief is learning how to adjust to this new normal as well as accepting it. Because things are different. I am different. Hell even my wants and desires are new. And it is freaking me out because a part of me is afraid to accept that this is my life now: without her. And it isn't better or worse it is just different. A part of me is trying to understand what it is that i want from myself these days because I am not use to putting myself first and I feel overwhelmed by having to so that i don't drown under my anxiety, depression and general worries.

I made a small step in this department on Friday when I kind of told Sean how I feel about him. Well, i told him that there was a time that I "use" to like him, not so long ago, and that i am gradually working on 'crushing' on him less. He seemed a littled stunned by this confession, maybe even hurt, and asked why my feelings had changed. I told him I had no other choice but to get over him because it felt like his feelings were not catching up to mine and I wasn't sure if they ever would.

I then told him that this has been an incredibly hard year for me and that instead of dealing with my best friends death in a way that will help me I have been distracting myself . I told him that I want to focus on me for awhile even if that meant...being a little selfish. I don't know who i am anymore since she died. My role and spot has shifted greatly. I feel as if i am learning how to be a daughter, friend and person again and sometimes i fail at that. I don't know how the next part happened but he looked at me and told me he was my friend. And i told him that he wasn't. Because lets be honest for every good thing Sean has done there is a long list of ways he has not been a good friend to me. I don't know why i told him this. I guess i wanted to get him off his high horse because sometimes he has this air about him that he is saving me. That if he werent around I wouldn't know what to do.

But this is coming from a boy who left me in closet, who gropes me but says it doesn't mean anything, who won't give me his phone number because i'm not his girlfriend (yet other people and chicks at work have his digits). This comes from a boy who didn't tell me until days later that he sent me to get dog food for his girlfriend, who didn't remember my birthday, who has made me walk home numerous times because he didn't like my attitude. This is coming from a boy who hits on underage girls and is seriously thinking of buying me a vibrator for Christmas....so i can think of him. If anything this boy is struggling to be my friend. I get upset with him every other day it seems. I feel ugly and insignificant when I am around him. I have tried to be someone else so that he will recognize me and instead all i feel is degraded and small.

So when he said that he was a good friend, as if he was nominating himself for an award, I couldn't believe my ears. So i told him the truth...that he hasn't been a good friend. And do you know what he did. Do you know what this closet leaving, boob touching, inconsiderate asshole did...

He looked away. Got really silent. Cleared his throat as if something were stuck in it, turned red and then returned his gaze back to mine...full of tears. "go on" he said his voice breaking and i realized that he was crying. Like actual man tears. And my heart fucking dropped. I was not expecting this. I was expecting him to say something mean back. I was prepared for him to tell me to go fuck myself.

 I don't think I've ever made anyone cry before. And I sure didn't think i'd ever make this one cry. And sure this wasn't a full on sob but it was the most controlled form of crying I've ever witnessed. I dropped whatever I was holding at the time and pulled him in for a hug. I caved and said i was 'sorry' over and over until i couldn't say it anymore. I told him that i don't know how to be anyone's friend either and that maybe we could both work on being there for the other.

After a moment we pulled away and he said he got upset because i was right. He comes from a family where the roles are often gray and indistinguishable. His father doesn't know how to be a father. His mother doesn't know how to be a mother. His sisters don't know how to be sisters. And now here he is not even knowing how to be a good friend...when I've needed it the most this year.

And despite how inconsiderate and stupid and dumb this boy can be, this all made sense to me. I understood what he meant completely.I admitted that is the one thing I have struggled with as well, especially this year. I no longer know who i am or what i am to people. Some days I feel lost and without a stable foundation. I struggle to understand all the wants and needs and desires that are floating in front of me. I struggle with my role as a friend, daughter, potential awesome girlfriend. I am struggling. I am head above water but struggling. And i am tired.

So instead of hitting some terrible dark angry place I need to figure out and get myself together. It's weird feeling like I am just particles of this person floating in a million different directions. And there is this force trying to pull the particles back together. And i'm not sure what the final result will look but i'll be a whole person again, one day. I just needed to get to this place a year later of bad decisions, hurt feelings, terrible grief and misplaced feelings to realize this.

Disappointment Alley.

My trip home to thanksgiving this year was okay. I'm not going to say it wasn't a little weird but the complete fucking break down i expected to happen did not occur. The moment i got off the train though, i must admit, i was counting down to my return to New York. I spent the better part of my trip sleeping, watching season one of Homeland and talking to my brother.

Before I left I promised Kat that I would ask my brother relationship related questions. As a serial dater and womanizer there is no one better to go to about what is going through a guys head than my brother. He tells it like it is and has absolutely no filter. Of course as soon as I got home my brother and I had a three hour conversation about Sean and my feelings and what the hell I am suppose to do with this boy.

 Immediately he told me that Sean is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He is setting me up to be the rebound chick should his girlfriend and him ever take a break. The truth is the last year i have been his 'puppy' I've willing down stuff for him and embarrassed myself because i thought he'd choose me. But a guy who: leaves you in a closet, asks you to get dog food for his girlfriend, abandons you multiple times and shows you semi naked pictures of his gf is immature and not sure what he wants. What he is sure of is that Sean has set me up to be a girl in wait for him if or when  things fall apart. If they do, I'll be a quick replacement. Though not temporary. If they don't, the only person who'll get hurt is me.

Oh and moving in with Sean would be a fucking mistake. Like a huge, worst idea in the history of the universe, mistake. "There is no girl I know who will let her boyfriend room with a single attractive female. Especially if they've been dating for 5 years! He isn't telling  you something about this roommate arrangement. Which means it will end up badly"

Sometimes i need a come to my senses talk to well come to my senses. And my brother sort of solidified how irrational, time consuming and wasteful this crush is. But my amplified feelings for Sean has a lot to do with my grief. A part of me needed a distraction and this boy filled that position well. I've spent the whole year trying to distance myself from the girl I was before Marie died. And an aspect of that girl didn't get attention from guys, was never the object of anyone affection and or desire. And with Sean it just sort of came naturally. We fell into this cat and mouse flirtation. And it worked for a while.

But now I want more. Not necessarily from him but just from romantic relationships in general. I don't want to wait around for this boy to catch up with my feelings So I  get back into town after a few days with my family and tell myself that I am going to tell Sean that I can't move in with him. That its not that the thought has never crossed my mind but my feelings for him aren't roommate compatible. Of course upon seeing him I forget all of that. He asks how my trip home was, i asked him about thanksgiving. We talked about the prospects of living together and i told him it was a possibility as long as we established boundaries.

My boundaries, in an attempt to convince him that living together is not a good idea, is that i refuse to be a third wheel. If he and his gf are considering in the near future ever moving in together I don't want our place to be a template for it. Respect my space. Respect that i'll be paying half the rent and I don't want to come home and see her. He shrugged and said that wouldn't be a problem.

His boundary: when we share a bed....no touching below the belt.

Is this kid serious. I rolled my eyes and tried to explain that as roommates there would be no bed sharing. Because roommates don't do that. Couples do that. And we're not a couple.

Asshole.

It's get worse. Later that night Sean and two other 'good friends' decided that after work they want to hang out and play video games. It was a spur of the moment thing but something i would have enjoyed being invited too. Especially because of of the people going was the Linda who always throws the wrestling parties. Plus it was my day back from vacation so spending some time with friends would have been nice. Not only was i not invited but they intentionally went the whole night trying to hide these plans from me. I only found out because Linda came up to me and said Sean had asked her (it's completely, utterly, non threatening and platonic between them) to come along and that she found it weird that she was invited .

I of course stared at her and fumed. I wasn't invited. I'm close to Sean. I like video games. What the hell. He spent the rest of the night avoiding me and when he finally did talk to me he asked me if i was walking home (he usually offers to drive me. He didn't that night). I told him I guess so because I heard he had plans.

 He replied: Yea. It's cool that you're walking. Be safe.

Are you fucking kidding me. On the way out the door. Sean kept trying to rush Linda because he didn't know that I knew that they were heading over to our friends house to hang out. I ended up walking home at midnight bawling my eyes out.

Why am i putting myself through this. Why is it so hard to unlike someone. Despite all the shitty things he has done to me I continue to care about him. I've spent the last couple of days placing blame on Linda for not asking why i couldn't go. For our friend whose house they were invited to to play games at. But mainly at Sean because not only does he not like me the way i like him, not only is he setting me up for heartbreak. But he's not a good friend. He doesn't care about my feelings. I am not someone he considers.

Linda is throwing another wrestling/Christmas party next Sunday and while I am not sure now if i want to go (because my exclusion from Saturday stings like a bitch) I still want to get everyone going a gift (the three of them from Saturday fiasco and our friend John). Sean hates gifts. No one ever gets him things that he likes. He'd rather get money so he can purchase whatever he wants. But i don't give money as gifts. I think it's impersonal. So instead I had a really cute idea. Despite the fact that we are never ever ever going to be roommates, I wanted to get him a key ring and draft a roommate contract.

The roommate contract would explain my excitement over the idea of us living together but reinforce the impracticality of it. I'd confess my concerns and offer a small glimpse into why it wouldn't work. I'd also admit why i wish it would work. The key ring, would for me, symbolize that I hope he finds the 'roommate' he is 'looking for' to share a 'home' with cause it's a commitment. A commitment both should be invested in. This gift will totally go over his head but what the hell I can't go another year being obsessed with this boy. I'm over it.

So the last couple of days, despite being pissed about Saturday and not being able to ask him about it (we rarely work together) I still looked online for his gift. I thought about getting a Thor key chain, cause he likes Thor. I thought about getting him an iron man one because he was so excited about the trailer. I even thought about finding a scorpion key chain because he likes Drive and wants to bulk up like Ryan Gosling. And then, out of the blue, i remembered this very obscure character from a comic he brought up ages ago. He's not terribly popular but during our break once when we were reading together he was reading this comic. So i purchase the key chain even though I'm not sure if this is the character he likes.

When i get to work next day I ask my friend in the music department (and fellow comic book nerd) if Sean is interested in any particular comic series. The first name that comes out of his mouth is the name of the character i purchased the night before. When i walked away I was filled with a weird empty feeling. I know all about this boy, I wanted to be apart of this boys life so much that I took note of his likes and dislikes. His mannerisms and quirks. He cut his finger a couple of weeks ago and waved the bloody mess in my face to show me the damage. Without even thinking I grabbed his hand and marched him over to the sink in the break room  I grabbed the alcohol rub and the band-aids and without a second thought started cleaning up his hand.

He flinched underneath my touch and then asked why i was doing this. I looked up at him suddenly and realized that I had no idea I'd even taken his hand to clean up. It was instinct. I wanted to make him better cause it would make me feel....something. I pushed his hand away and handed him the band-aid and told him i didn't know why i was cleaning him up. And then I walked away. But this is the basis of our relationship, me standing around to pick up the pieces and him not even considering me.

I don't new years resolution, but my goal is to be apart of a healthy two one relationship in the near future with a boy who available and attentive of my feelings.

Scar Tissue

...wrote a lengthy grilled cheese post called Scar Tissue.

....the next few weeks are going to be rough and while I am able to write about my grief here, my friends are in the dark about this stuff.

...So i wanted to write posts periodically on Grilled Cheese to give them a sense of my internal thoughts.

Here's the link if you're interested in reading it: Scar Tissue

On Going Home.

On Monday I am going home for Thanksgiving.

This year I have many reservations about my usual trek home. Instead of a deep sigh of relief because I will be away from Le Sad Store and New York for a week I am filled with...fear. I think that's the emotion i feel. Absolute fear mixed with grief and dread.

When I headed home last year I was under the impression that Marie and I were on a break. I hadn't heard from her in a few months and thought, perhaps, that she was shacked up somewhere in North Carolina with  new friends and a guy. I didn't attempt to call her once when I came into town because I was in a "well if she doesn't want to talk or reach out to me i'm not going to contact her either" mode.

I now regret and often can't get over the fact that by then she was already living at home with her parents; unhappy and miserable and possibly plotting her death. I don't remember much from last Thanksgiving. I think my brother and I played video games, i took pictures of my nephew, i read old journals and watched a lot of TV. It was an ordinary week with my family and yet there was so much going on with Marie who was less than an hour away.

This year i don't have the 'luxury' of thinking her absence has to do with our friendship falling apart. This year, I am returning to South Carolina where memories await me and it is freaking me out. It's almost been a year since her death and I am still not ready to confront it. I've distracted myself with boy drama, socialization, a new part time job, and sleeping. I cry for Marie. i cry for myself. I am coping in ways that are not completely healthy but now I am going to be in South Carolina for a whole week surrounded by places and things that will remind me of her, that will in someone carry her memory. And i am freaking out!

This is not an exaggeration. In the past few weeks I have lashed out at people, endured sleepless nights, wallowed and nearly cancelled my trip home because I don't think I can do this. I don't think I am ready to go back yet and be surrounded by 'her'. Outside of my family, my memories of home are entwined with hers. The coffee shop near my house is where we hung out that one night a few years ago and face-book stalk my crush from the internship. The track across town is where we laughed hysterically at two people making out in a car on prom night. I'll no doubt drive past our high school while i drive around trying to kill time. The journals i usually re-read will be filled with Marie stories and complaints. And don't get me started on the photo albums.

The other day i got into an argument with a co-worker who said she didn't like my attitude when i was around her. She said that when Kat and I are together I become a different person and she doesn't feel like she knows who i am anymore. I was totally offended by this comment, told her so and then said if she wanted to explain what she meant instead of giving me stank eye we could discuss it like adults. She didn't want to do this and we haven't talked since. I don't mind not talking to this woman. She is immature and annoying and the most aggravating person i have ever met. I am however, offended and stung by her remark that she doesn't know who i am anymore because I have often thought this in the year since Marie has passed.

I have said it many times that I am not the same. There is a chip on my shoulder. I am quick to find fault in people. I am quite judgmental of strangers and yet insanely territorial about my friends and family. I am a moody, complicated girl whose temper is swift and unforgiving. I often feel like someone has shuffled me in a crazy grief tumbler and placed me back together a little...different. Not bad or good. But different. Because of this, going home feels paralyzing. I am the same girl who left South Carolina four years ago and yet I am different. And now, on top of that, I am going home to a place that doesn't feel like home anymore because Marie isn't here to validate a huge chunk of what made it home for me. She isn't here.

Last night i had a fucking panic attack about leaving on Monday. I went in the back, hid behind some boxed and cried. I kept telling myself that I was not/am not prepare to go home. I kept cursing Marie and her fucking stupid decision to end her life. I kept cursing myself for being such an awful friend to her when she needed me the most. And I almost collapsed from the insufferable knowledge that she is just gone, that she is never coming back and that that this is my life without her; often more of a mess then an actual life.

Of course, feeling stupid for crying, i shut down the rest of the night, got in a fight with Sean and convinced myself that I would tell my mom i couldn't make the trip home. I was starting to spiral. Sean came up to me and asked what was wrong. I lashed out and told him that it didn't matter what was wrong because he doesn't care anyway (our relationship is weird). I ignored him the rest of the night and then cried in his car on the way home. I will have to write the events of the car ride home in more detail. I don't want to forget it. Since her death I have not been able to express in words how it is affecting me. I told Sean that I wasn't doing well since her death, which is something that I rarely even admit to myself.

He started to tell me a story about a friend he no longer is in contact with and how fucked up it feels to care about someone you are never going to be in contact with again. I turned to him and started crying and told him that that story about his friend is not that same thing. Marie is never coming back. She isn't off some where living a life that I am no longer apart of. She is dead. She took her own life. She is gone. Gone. There is never going to be a possibility that I will see her face again or hear her laugh or see the world like we planned. She is gone and it isn't fair I cried.

He pulled into my driveway and turned off his car while I whimpered for 15 minutes in the passenger seat. I stared out the window so he wouldn't see my face as I started to cry. He took my hand and stroked the inside of my palm with his thumb and said he was sorry. That he was really fucking sorry but that maybe I shouldn't keep trying to pretend that everything is okay. We spent an hour in the car talking about her. I told him some things i have only written about on this blog and others that i have not. He said her name out loud a couple of times and I forgot how much i missed someone else referring to her.

I cried some more. Told him I thought i was a terrible friend. Told him that I use to wish I didn't know her when she was alive. That out of the two of us, I wasn't the one who was suppose to survive and I feel guilty often that i did. He didn't say much and if he did my sobs drowned his words of comfort out for awhile. He did manage to say that I shouldn't feel guilty for hating and loving her. That to deal with her death I should be honest about the kind of person she was. Even if that means admitting that she was a dick sometimes (as am I) Then he asked if i was writing my feelings down somewhere, documenting what i am going through. I told him no. He asked why not and i said because i don't the words anymore to express how i'm feeling. That my expression and emotions are stuck in places i am not able to reach. And he said at a time like this, dealing with everything i'm going through, I should be writing this stuff down instead of fighting my 'words'.

And for a stupid stupid boy who continues to do stupid stupid things and break my heart in the process he has a point. I am not dealing with Marie's death well. I have spent the last year shutting myself off from how fucking traumatic this really is because when the sinking realization of her death sneaks into my mind it beats me up, it takes my breath away, it prevents me from feeling anything except numb. But maybe i do need to talk/write about what i am going through more often. Maybe i do need to see a therapist or attend a support group or something to learn how to cope.

 Because i am not coping well, I find myself acting out, panicking, misbehaving, spiraling because i am not dealing with the fact that my best friend is gone and is never coming back and the plans we made and the future i thought would include her is gone as well. And it's not to say that i'll go home this week and have some profound epiphany about her and my life and i'll be healed of my pain but i do hope in some weird way that i'll have no choice but to face what i've been running from and begin to accept her loss so i can enjoy things again.

I am all packed up and for the most part ready to go tomorrow. I can't stop my heart from pounding though and i still feel very very anxious about going home. But i feel ready at least for the time away from New York to collect my thoughts. I told Kat that I would write daily reflections on grilled cheese (the other blog, i write on sometimes) for her (and Sean) to read while i am away. She is as nervous as I am about the trip because she thinks i'll come back distant and weird. But if anything i just hope i'll come back determined to get better and not feel so overwhelmed by the changes in my life and the loss that is somehow connected to it all.

Playing House.

So I guess I've got some explaining to do.

Last week after Sandy came in went in my neighborhood I went back to Le Sad Store and was disappointed to hear that Sean had reached out to several people on the day of the storm to check in on them.

As usual I was not one of the people he called or texted because I am in that weird position where I am not his friend and not his girlfriend. For the last couple of months this has been a hardening reality as i attempt to befriend this boy because his relationship issue are too complicated for me to comprehend (he doesn't love his gf. but he doesn't want to break up with her because she is a nice girl) and wait around for him to pick me.

So instead i am working on being his friend. We joke around. Make plans to do things and generally like being around each other. We still flirt and cast glances and smirks but i am putting my crush in check because i'd rather lose him as a crush then then not having him in my life at all. And with this boy that seems to be the only two options.

He doesn't know how to stay in touch with people. I don't hear him talk about any friends outside of the ones he's made at work and when he does mention someone from high school or college it's always in past tense. "my best friend from' "this guy i once knew'. His social life consists of family, his gf and work friends and I, being me, am trying to become something different out of the three of these despite my reservations.

I am failing at this because i am still suspended in the crush/friend sway and it's becoming a little heart breaking being his crush because the possibility of 'us' is constantly dangled in front of me but he isn't making the moves and I have yet to reveal the extent of my feelings for him. But being his friend is hard also because i can't be a bro. I get uncomfortable when he talks about chicks or his gf. I don't watch the shows he watches or play the games he's interested in. I have nothing much to contribute because being a bro involves a penis which i (thankfully) lack.

And a huge issue, lately, is that he is only accessible to me AT work. He won't give me his phone number, we don't hang out alone, and during a freaking HURRICANE he checked in with everyone except me. Needless to say I was livid when I finally saw him last Friday. I couldn't understand why of all the people he checked in with, I was not one of them. So I ignored him for the first hour and when i finally talked to him I told him i was pissed at him because i was worried about him and he wasn't about me. He had no comforting words. He said he asked Kat how I was doing when he saw her at work a few days afterwards. That he just assumed I was okay and that he forgot until the last minute that he hadn't called. I rolled my eyes and complained later to my mom that he could have called me and asked how I was doing (once he remembered  instead of reaching out to my friend.

The boy is not bright. Or he's scared. Or he is just inconsiderate. Regardless it's just another Seans an asshole moments

After we made up and he apologized he told me that he's been without power since the storm and that his gf wouldn't let him come over to charge his phone and take a warm shower because she thought it was a bad idea. I held my tongue and  didn't tell him that i think his girlfriend is inconsiderate too. He said that the only good thing about the storm is that a cat displaced by the storm has been hanging out at his house and he's fallen in love. The cat is sweet and tiny (possibly underfed) and has half a tail. He is friendly though and seems to have found a friend in Sean. He of course had pictures and video of the kitty to show me and I said "this is why i want my own place, I really want a cat and a living room and a kitchen!'.

He followed my enthusiasm quickly with "so why don't we get a place together"

ASAYWHAT?! ASAYWHO? WITHMOI?

I laughed and told him he was being crazy but he got very serious and said "no, i'm serious. Why don't we just move in together. My dad is retiring soon and will be home all the time and I can't live with that man any longer. And we'd make really good roommates. Let's move in"

For some reason all my rational thoughts about what he was proposing flew out the window once i saw how serious he was and how excited he seemed at the prospect. I have a weird thing about where i live. I want to make any and every place i rest my head a comfortable, relaxing, oasis to live in. And during the course of this crush I have often thought of what it'd be like to live with Sean because I am a girl and it is what we do. But of course I never considered that the thought has crossed his mind too, even if it is in a non-romantic roommate way.

So i told him a secret i was not suppose to tell anyone.

A co-worker came to me a few weeks ago and asked me if Kat and I was still thinking about moving in together. I told him that we were mulling the idea around but were not actively looking yet. He said that a friend of his who lives in a sweet two bedroom apartment near my house might be moving soon and that if we were still interested he would keep us informed. Not only does this place have 2 bedrooms but it is cheeeeeeap! I pay $200 less right now and all i have to show for is a mini fridge and an extra bed in my room. This apartment is a gem and a rarity in my neighborhood. If is does become available I want to grab it and move in and never leave but Kat's boyfriend wants her to move in with him and I can't pay that rent  by myself soooooo....

I told Sean about the apartment and he said "let's do this. I'm serious. Lets move in together, the moment it becomes available. Please, it'll be awesome". And like a dumb stupid fucking girl I told him 'we should...roomie!'

What the hell is wrong with me. What the hell is wrong with me. I can't move in with this boy (the apartment wouldn't be available til spring anyway, but still). It is the worst idea ever. One, he has a gf. I don't want to create lovenest for them to chill at. Two, i like him. Living with him would drive me crazy because a) i'll either   hate living with him or b) we'll be playing house together in domestic bliss while he just so happens to have a gf. But the last couple of days have been awesome between us because he is treating me like someone who matters in his life.

He spent the afternoon looking at pictures of furniture we would buy to decorate our 'home'. We've created house rules and decided we definitely want to get a cat that he'll let me name (but who will have to share sleeping arrangements with). And while I will at some point have to break it to this boy that us living together is not going to happen as long as he has a girlfriend or as long as we kept playing this stupid game of 'i think i like you. do you like me" it has been nice seeing his excitement over this possibility.

I keep unrealistically thinking that this is how i'll be accessible to him. We'll be roomies, we'll be housemates. He said he'd cook as long as I was okay doing the dishes. We'd get to go grocery shopping together. And at the end of the night, if we closed together at the store, we'd get to leave together and go home. And it's that stupid part of me that has made it impossible to tell him that this isn't going to work.

That I can't live with him not knowing what we are or if we are ever going to be something. I can't create a home for us just so he can bring his gf over and cuddle with or worse to bring other girls over should he decide to break up with her. In my fantasies of living with him it has been because we are dating and it's convenient to live with someone you plan on being with for a while and because we really really want to have a life outside of work together. And because that is not the case, I continue to play into the fantasy of us rooming together despite the constant reality of it smacking me in the face.

I don't know how to get out of this situation. I just hope i figure it out before spring.

For Christ Sakes....

Sean thinks we should get an apartment together.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

More on this later.

Hey Sandy

Seems living atop a steep hill has it's benefits during severe storm weathers.

Despite the various sorts of catastrophe and awfulness Sandy brought to the NYC/ Tri-state area my neighborhood, for the most part, escaped unscathed. On Sunday I closed at Le Sad store and was told that we'd be closed on Monday due to the hurricane. The University I work for was also closed Monday so instead of preparing for a storm like a responsible human being (buying supplies, charging phone and ipod, securing general safety of my shit) I bough waffles, added movies and shows to my netflix queue and created a playlist for my first day off in a very long time.

Now that I work two jobs my days off are non-existent. I'm either at Le Sad Store slaving away for minimum wage. Or at my other job getting mad paper cuts. While my other job is less stressful than the bookstore it is still a 20 hour a week commitment. Two weeks ago just as i was packing up my things to head home a professor came running into the office with a +1000 page document that needed to be copied (6 times) immediately for a pending court case. I called my manager and asked what I should do. I had to be at Le Sad Store in a few hours and could stay a little while but not the duration of the print job. She apologized for the inconvenience but asked if I could stay just because the nature of the job was important.  I made two hours of over time that night and was 15 minutes late to the bookstore for my closing.

I don't have time for much of anything these days. I am always doing something or planing something or anticipating something. Doctors appointments, socializing, work, reading, boy progress and missteps. I am trying to live in the moment as much as possible but in doing so i am getting lost in the shuffle. The ebb and flow of things around here lately is like a wave. I am being tossed around by the constant rise and fall, roll and thrashing of things. But my head continues to remain above water. I haven't drowned yet.

Next month is looking a little insane. I am going to a baby shower, a birthday party, home for the holidays and possibly bowling if i can convince Sean to go. The boy shit is still very complicated. I have stopped telling Kat about anything that goes on between us because of fears that it is damaging rather than helping the situation. I've been a little more direct with him these last few weeks after the disaster that was the wrestling party. We had a great time up until we got to our friends house and I got stuck sitting next to someone else. He gave me the stank eye for most of the evening and then asked if i would come sit next to him. When i did, I was a little tipsy and full from the food and alcohol. I curled up into his side and took a cat nap. Then the jerk i got stop sicking next to on the other couch decided to sit next to me. Suddenly i was a Beckett sandwich between Sean and this other kid, who i am not attracted too.

I quickly felt uncomfortable. One moment Sean was all "lie next to me" the next moment the other guy (a mutual friend who has admitted to said feelings for me some while back) was like "hey, why don't you lie next to me". I tried to stay as close to Sean as possible but he was getting annoyed and distant. So eventually I sat on the floor and fell asleep on the floor. Yeah, a great night indeed.

Since then i've tried being more direct with him about everything. I like him so fucking much but i want more than just a pretend relationship at work. I want to be someone he thinks about outside of work. Someone he considers. All day yesterday i sent texts to family and friends asking about their well-being. Sean only calls me when he is at work, because he won't give me his cell phone number, and it is usually to talk about something stupid or to apologize. But yesterday like a dumb girl, i hoped that he would call and ask if things were okay in my neighborhood cause I sure as hell wondered how he was doing in the Bronx. But of course,  like most realizations about this boy, I have limited access to him and this is wearing on me. Like everything else in life.

Anyway, I have to open tomorrow and need to get ready for bed. I found the most awesome female Thor outfit this weekend and am filled with regret for not buying it. It fit like a fucking glove and i looked aTHORable. It was 50 bucks though and i still have a few hospital bills to pay off so I am reusing my Buffy the vampire slayer costume this year. I can't go wrong with Buffy i suppose. 

Be Careful of My Heart

Tomorrow the boy and I are going to a mutual friends apartment for a small birthday celebration. It's been a couple of months since we've had an unsupervised moment to ourselves and I am sort of freaking out. I'm sorry to keep going on and on about Sean and my feelings and general anxieties about what to do in this situation. But it is all consuming lately. And because of my inexperience i am, to be honest, terrified.

The last few weeks have been pretty intense between us. While the level of touching and innuendo is a constant, there has been an emotional  shift. I like being around him. I miss him when he is away and while i play it cool around him, i wish often that he would take the lead and tell me what he wants from me. Because he wants something. And while I often think it is just sex, lately it feels like more. Last weekend was extraordinary and awful. I just purchased my tickets to go home for the thanksgiving and i do not know how i am going to handle being home when everything will remind me of Marie. I promised her mom that i would stop by and visit her when i dropped into town, but i am torn about this as well. What will I say to her? What will she say to me?

I am anxious about this because often, when i retrace my memories with Marie, I realize that out of the two of us, I was the one expected not to make it. During our last few weeks of high school before we graduated, i remember multiple teachers coming up to us to ask about our post grad plans. Marie was headed to the popular school nearby, early admission, and was already accepted into their pre-vet program. I was accepted to a small school in Pennsylvania no one had even heard of and was entering as a pre-med student though i was failing physics. But they weren't really curious about our plans outside of high school, they all wanted to know what we were going to do without the other around. And we always laughed the question off because we assumed we would do fine without the other around as we always had. Even if it was just a lie we told ourselves.

Now that she has passed, i understand the weight of the question. They were never directing it to her: the bigger, stronger, brighter of the two. It was always implied that I would struggle to survive without her. And that's a fact that i struggle to deal with everyday. I know that i am important to people. I am grateful every day for being alive. In fact, I feel more alive these days then i have in a very long time. But sometimes, in the darkest of places, I feel guilty as well. I do not understand how my life continues to go on and she isn't here. I am confused by this. I want to pinpoint where it all went to shit and turn the dial back to fix it.  I miss her everyday and I can't believe that i, who has suffered from depression and anxiety and self harm in the past, continues to survive and she didn't.

And worst of all, lately, I desire to belong to people these. I am afraid of being alone. For so long it was just Marie and I and nothing else mattered. But now, i am concerned, petrified, that my life of solitude and isolation is a scarlet letter. That because i have rejected socialization for so long i will never fit in anywhere.
.
I admitted some of this to the boy this weekend (the last part obviously was excluded). My words got all stuck in my throat and I started to cry and he looked, as he always does, like he didn't know what to do. He kept telling me it was okay to be upset about Marie, that he is sorry for everything that i have gone through and that he wish he had more comforting words. It was nice, for a moment anyway, having to not keep the sadness all too myself.

We spent the rest of the weekend in our own little bubble. He was different. Not aggressive and aloof  and distant. He followed me around the store. He felt like he was mine emotionally, mentally and physically. We talked a lot about the future and work. He was upset because he was denied admission to the fire academy. I gave him work advice and he said he wouldn't know what he'd do without me around. That i made things better followed by blushing. He bought me a brownie for lunch. I read him more excerpts from a book i'm reading. He made me laugh so hard, we always pissed ourselves. And  he said the whole "i think i'm dating the wrong girl' thing. And then the hug happened a perfect conclusion to the weekend. I use to complain to Kat that Sean never says goodbye when his shift is over. I go out of my way to look for him before i head home. Just to say goodbye. And for the three years i have known him he has never stopped to find me just to say he was going home and to wish me a goodnight. So his marvelous return/epic hug embrace Sunday was swoon worthy damnit. No one can take that away from me. He embraced me as if it were the last chance he was going to get to.

Then he called me Tuesday because he knew i was going to see a movie with my friend. He wanted to know what we saw, if i liked it and if i was still in the area because he finally brought me the book i've been asking to borrow from him. I was, so I stopped by and picked up the book and then wished him a good night, not before I caught him doing the weird, i want to tell you something but i can't look.

For the past few days, i've been trying to tell myself that i am being irrational. Sure i am obsessing. Sure I want this boy. But what he feels for me is not close to what i feel for him. And i deserve more than a boy who hasn't even said he likes me yet alone who is ready to leave his gf for me. But it didn't stop me from daydreaming about what life with this boy would be like. And it made me happy. Because for a moment, based on what he said, I thought i had a chance. I felt like we had a chance because we are obviously very drawn to one another. That even if this 'relationship' were to turn to shit I would know for a bit how it felt to belong to someone who wanted to be around me as much as i want to be around him.

But last night, after a horrible close at Le Sad store (Sean's been on vacation since Wednesday, so i haven't seen or heard from him in a couple of days), i logged onto fb and was meet with pictures of him and his gf at new york comic con. They look happy and carefree and her dumb stupid face is grinning from ear to ear. And it made me sad, not as sad had i let this boy have my heart, but sad nonetheless because at the end of the day, not matter how much he feels like mine, he isn't. Even though we are close as hell and my feelings for him are strong and his stupid dumb "i came back to say goodbye' moment, the boy isn't mine. And I am not a part of his life the way i'd like to be.

This depressed the shit out of me of course. And i am wounding a slightly broken heart with cookies and pizza. I was hoping the two of us would get to talk about last weekend and everything that was said. I was hoping that I would get the chance to tell him how i feel. But i am tucking those thoughts back inside my head and preparing to put on a brave front tomorrow. I hate wishing that he would just like me as much as i like him, and then take a risk with me. Cause thats what i feel like life with me would be like. Le sigh. I'm a mess.

Mistakes Being Made.

Every single day i feel like i am on my way towards making a big mistake with this boy.

I know i am going to get hurt.

I know i am setting myself up for quite the epic disaster. I know this. And yet i'd rather go all in and fuck it up and be a little reckless because i'm sick of being a bench warmer.

This weekend was all too much. He pulled me aside and said he missed me. He comforted me while i cried into his side. He told me that he is dating the wrong girl. He has fallen out of love with his girlfriend. That they aren't the same people anymore. He feels anxious and confused.

I gave him friend advice. I took my own feelings for him out of the picture. I told him to talk to her. To tell her what he is telling me. That maybe they do need a break, unless he felt it was something worth fixing. He said he wasn't sure it was.

I told him i probably wasn't the best person to come to for this. Because i'm biased and too invested to help. He stared at me for a really long time and i thought he was going to tell me something. I thought he was going to do something. But he didn't so i walked away.

Later that night, on his way out, he walked by me to say goodbye. It was a very rushed 'i'll see you later' sort of thing and i was kind of hurt by how dismissive it was. I waved at him and smile weakly and then had that awful stupid girl lump in my belly and started obsessively thinking about the night. If he does break up with his girl, is it for me? I am the right girl? Why didn't he come over and say goodbye to me? I mean, i know he was in a rush and had groceries in his hand but i look for him before i go so that i can---

As my eyes start welling up, i notice his black leather jacket out of the corner of my eye. Just 5 minutes ago he was on his way home and he turned around and came back into the store to find me. He is walking quickly towards the kids department where he thinks i'm at, but he stops quickly when he sees me in the corner with a puzzled though relieved look on my face.

The motherfucker grabs me and pulls me in for a hug as I say 'i didn't think you were going to come back, i didn't think you were going to come back" as he rocks me into his chest. We stay that way for quite awhile. It is the safest i have ever felt.

He pulls away some minutes later and says he came back to say goodbye to me properly. I tell him to have a good night and that i'll see him next week (his vacation starts today) and then i watch him leave as i always do, regretting all the while that he'd come back again. And when he rounds the corner, and heads down the stairs, i tell myself that i think i'm in love with him. I think i'm in love with the boy who is a shitty human being most days but who came back for me. I  fucking utterly obsessively love this boy. And i am willing to suffer the consequences because of it.

About Last Night.

I didn't have sex with Sean.

I am not going to lie and say that i didn't want to . Because I did. I do. Despite Everything.

I am currently reading a book called The Chemistry Between Us. It is about what attracts us to specific people. It is not so much about love but an explanation about desire. And more than ever i want to understand what it is about this boy that is making me a very stupid girl.

On Friday, after a night of flirting and touching and innuendo's he asked to come over to my house to watch a movie. He's been trying to get me to watch this movie (on netflix) for weeks. I am hesitant when people recommend things to me. Movies, music, books. I take my time following up. I want to watch things when i want to watch them. I want to read them when the mood is right. I take my time with everything. So when he told me to watch this movie because i was convinced I wouldn't.

When i was a kid my crush from school said i would like the song Yellow Submarine bu the Beatles. He was adamant that i would like the song and it would change my life because it was one of his favorite songs and for some reason it reminded him of me. It took me a couple of years before i got around to listening to the song and i fucking hated it. There was nothing about it that i liked. And all i could think after listening to it was that this boy who i thought i was in love with recommended this terrible ass song to me. A song that was suppose to remind him of me. So when Sean said i should watch this movie I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't going to watch it for fear that it would turn out to be a terrible terrible movie.

But on Friday he told me that he has a job interview with a company he's been trying for a year to join. He wants to be a fireman. But until then he has an opportunity to get a 9 to 5 gig that pays well so he can move out of his parents house. The interview is some time in October. He is at the top of their list should this position open up. He just has to ace the interview and he won't be at the store any longer. I am happy for him. I told him this. I even meant it. But boy am i terrified of how this all will end. And i realized suddenly that if he is to leave and get a new job and move on, I may only have a few weeks left with him to confess my feelings, see if he feels the same way.

I have known and liked Sean for 3 years. He has a girlfriend. He is an immature asshole. He has said and done some terrible things. He is not mine. I know this. I have accepted this. And yet there is something about our relationship that I can't shake. There are no fireworks. There are no magical sparks or even clarity. There is simplicity. There is comfort. I enjoy being around him. I like touching and being touched by him. When he goes out of his way to make me laugh or to see me, i feel so connected to him. I think about taking care of him all the time cause he's simple and strong. And unlike the rest of the very irrational crushes a la the past, he likes me back. Maybe not in the way i like him but in some way.

And the thought of him leaving frightens me because of the feelings that he has stirred. And i am nervous and anxious about losing him. After a disastrous summer with this boy, we have called a truce these last few weeks. I am no longer doing the crazy girl thing. I don't do jealous or envy well. I regrettably did both this summer. I may have adopted this from Kat who has turned out to be quite the crazy girl lately, another post/another time. He in turn is trying to be less of a douche. He is trying to take my feelings in account. While i haven't told him outright that i like him, it is evident. And for this he is trying.

Because of this raise of the white flag our relationship is stronger than it has been. We joke around, we flirt, we hysterically laugh our asses off. In two weeks we are going to our mutual friends birthday party. We've already admitted that we are going for each other because we both are not looking forward to it. It feels like old times yet newer. We are back where i like us easy and causal, except for the being attracted to each other thing which complicates everything.

Because if i am be very very uncomfortably honest right now I am still very much attracted and attached to him. There is still so much touching and innuendo between us. There is still so much sexual tension. The other day some one hit on me during our shift. I told him i was uncomfortable with that. He said that i didn't have to worry because I was his. I asked him what that meant. He just stared at me and told me it meant just what he said. I nodded my head and told him he can't say things like that even though i like hearing it.

It's so complicated. It's so inappropriate. And yet I still can't shake him. And he continues to show me affection that i adore.  The other day, we went on break together. He asked what i wanted to do. I said 'i don't know read maybe' so he said he would come with me to read. We went to the children's department and took a seat on the floor next to one other and read. He was reading the league of extraordinary gentlemen. I was reading Closer. Periodically he would stop to read a passage from his graphic novel as i paused to listen. Then we'd go back to reading. Then I would find a passage I thought was interesting and read it to him while he nodded and gave his opinion. It was so fucking adorable, I hugged him afterwards.

Because of moments like this when he asked to come over my house Friday i was so fucking tempted to say 'sure, why not'. I did/do want to see this movie he keeps going on and on about. I did/do want to watch it with him. I did/do want to show him my room in all of it's awesomeness. But I knew it was a bad idea. I'm not sure what i would do with him in my room. I'm not sure what he would do in my room. And to be honest again, I am in no way or shape ready to have sex with a boy i am not dating. He drove me home Friday and we just sat in the car for a really long time. I thought he was going to ask me again to come in. I was prepared to say no. But instead he said goodnight and that he'd see me tomorrow. I blurted out that maybe we could see it some other time if he wanted.

But of course he did not ask me again to come upstairs this weekend. And i'm not sure if i am relieved about this. I am know i am making a huge mistake in investing all my energy into this boy. I know that i am seconds away from a huge 'i told you so, girl'. I know that anything outside of our hugging, and touching and lingering stares will be disastrous. I know this. I have thought this through. Realistically outside of him even having a girlfriend and anger issues and being severely immature i am most concerned that my inexperience could be taken advantage of  by a boy like this.The idea of being in a situation with him where i am not comfortable enough to say no or that i need him to take it slow. The other day someone told me i needed a nice nerdy boy who will take me to parks and buy my notebooks for my birthday. And ideally, that is the boy i have always and still want.  But i feel immune to logic when it comes to my attraction to Sean. I crave intimacy, primarily from him. And had i been a little more selfish I would have invited him upstairs.

I wish this wasn't so complicated. I wish i could look at this situation and easily say 'hey you know what this is a bad idea'. But i can't. And i'm not sure what to do about this. Because i know whatever i do or say. However i continue to behave and act around this boy is going to be painful in the end.

I Will Never Understand....

why i like Sean. I won't. I just wont.

The boy asks to come back to my house tonight so we can watch a movie with an actor I have the hots for.

I laugh and ask him if he's serious. He says "yes. I just want to watch this movie with you".

And because i am me, i tell him that tonight won't be a good idea. My room is a mess (the truth) and that im tired (a lie). He looks disappointed but accepts my rejection.

I tell him though, that if he is still up for it tomorrow we can watch it after work. In my room.

What the hell am i doing with this boy. What is it in him  that i so desperately think I want. Sometimes I think i just want him to be my one big mistake. I tell myself that he will for a moment make things better. And i want to be near him. All the time. And I want him to be near me all the time.

And i know this is one big fucking mistake. But i love the feeling i get when i'm around him. It's nothing new or special. It's just comfort.

Le sigh. What the hell am i going to do if he actually does come over tomorrow. How will i react with this boy in my room. I'm freaking out a little.

Tales from Parking Lots.

I spend a lot of time in parking lots. A lot. This is not by choice. I thought i should put that out there.

Lately Kat and I have made a habit of hanging out every tuesday. Before I got my new job I use to have tuesdays off. I wanted one day off during the week for interviews and such. Of course I really spent tuesdays sleeping, watching netflix and not cleaning my room. I miss those days.

But then Kat and I started hanging out. And my tuesdays became less about me and my general love of laziness and more about forming a bond with her. Because she gets out before 5 and I get out at 5, i stop by the store so me and Kat can go to the movies, or shopping or to eat. Mainly so we can talk about boys, boys, movies, boys, books, boys, boys, and boys.

We always end our hangouts talking in her car (in the parking garage near le sad store) while some sad playlist is playing in the background. For a while this was fun. But after a series of unfortunate events I can no longer say this about our tuesday activities.

I am not going to lie and say that a part of my friendship with Kat has little to do with our current boy obsessions. Because in all honesty it's a huge part of our relationship. She is the only one who knows about my crush on Sean. She sort of figured it out to be honest and i have shared all the awesome and terrible things between me and the boy. I was relieved to have someone to share my secret with. I also liked being able to validate my feelings for him. I could tell her about an exchange and she would say 'aww, thats so sweet of him. It has to mean he likes you" and I would light up and say "i know, right?"

And I am the only one who knows about her very inappropriate relationship with this married guy at work. She has had a crush on him for about 2 years. When he started working there he was engaged. Now he is married, recently took a managerial position at work and is looking to move closer to the job. Kat and him have had a long standing flirtateous relationship. But a few weeks ago he admitted he had a crush on her and that he was conflicted because of his 'situation'. Kat, who loves attention from dudes, pounced on this. They engaged in late night texting, confessing and possible 'erotic photo exchange'. I told her to stop. She did not because she liked having the hottest boy at our store eating out the palm of her hand.

And then it all came to a crashing halt when he took the managerial position at the store. Or maybe when he realized that a married man should not give into the fantasies of being with another chick. The hot and cold treatment began on both ends. She told him that maybe they should stop talking because the game wasn't fun anymore. He agreed. She then went back and told him that she was wrong and that they shouldn't stop talking and that maybe they could try and resolve things. He doesn't want to do this. And has been pretty distant ever since.

 Ever since then, our tuesdays are spent talking about her situation. I go to the store expecting to window shop at the mall, see a movie, eat a burrito and instead I am sitting in the passenger seat watching my friend bawl her eyes out over a boy who was never hers to begin with. To say i'm a little annoyed and pissed about this is an understatement. Sometimes I feel the only reason she likes him is because everyone else wants him. She has said this to me more than once. He is gorgeous and funny and a nice guy (outside of this terrible almost cheating situation). She is sexually attracted to him. Maybe emotionally as well. But because she is so use to having guys throw themselves at her she is turned on by the fact that she has to fight for his affection. And that after two years of chasing him, flirting with him, suggesting things to him the boy fell for it. And then decided it wasn't for him.

The last few days she has cried at work because they no longer have that bond they once shared. He is nice to her but kind of treats her like everyone else at the store. The other day, I was off, she was sent home an hour early because someone found her crying in the aisle hysterically. She wanted to stop by my house so she could vent and cry. I was busy and that was not happening. So she spent the whole night texting me until i feel asleep.

Today, I was off from Le Sad Store and enjoying another quiet day at work. I work in the 'copying' department at the university and it is pretty awesome. I am the only person there from 1 to 5, i complete jobs if there are any but for the most part I read and write because there is simply nothing else to do. At first this made me nervous. I am so use to doing something and being on my feet all day that waiting around to get jobs was....weird. 6 weeks later i am so happy having four hour a day to myself. I get to relax and read and listen to music. The campus is beautiful and my view is of trees and fields. I enjoy the solitude. As i was watching netflix on my ipid, I get a texts from Kat that she is cyring hysterically in her car because she tried to talk to him today about possibly hanging out and he shut her down. In trying to be a good friend I told her to calm down. That she just needed to breathe. Because my job is only a 15 minute walk to the store i offered to meet her there after my shift (despite wanting to go home).
So at 5, I dragged my very tired self to the 6th floor of the parking lot and spent an hour trying to talk her hysterics away. It didn't go well. She went over her failed attempt to talk to him today. She is set in her very own delusional view about this situation. She thinks she has missed her chance to be with this guy. She doesn't understand how he can so easily turn off his feelings for her. She wants him. She doesn't want him. She thinks he is everything she could want in a guy. She wants the chance to find the fault in him that will prove her wrong. It was all so confusing. My stomach was growling. I wanted to go home. And hide under the covers and to emerge when the crazy disappeared. Instead i said all the things i could say to steer her towards the simple truth: he aint never going to be with her, so why put so much energy in him.

Especially when she has a boyfriend! And he is married!

I've never in my life wanted to just deal with my own problems before. A couple of weeks ago she saw Sean talking to a girl she hates at work. They were giggling and sharing a joke. She pulled me over so i could see the two of them talking, as if i was suppose to get jealous and angry. I told her I didn't care that he was talking to her. In fact, i wasn't in any position to be possessive and crazy over a boy who isn't mine. She couldn't understand this. She asked if i was getting over him. I told her that I still like him but that i kind of want to do my own things now. I don't want to spend so much time obsessing about a boy who, welp, isn't mine.

And the last few weeks have been awesome becuase of this new game plan. When i do have some alone time I've finished books, decorated my room, danced, even managed to get some sleep. Despite the hosptial visits and doctors appointments I am actually feeling pretty good these days. Enegerized and optimistic and okay with where I am at right now. While Kat and I are great friends are differences are beginning to bleed through. I do not crave attention from dudes. I am sort of ego-less and am craving simplicity and while i would love the boy/life/job of my dreams to fall in my lap, i refuse to wait and be miserable until he or it comes along.

For my own sanity. I deserve more.

But i am getting pretty tired of sitting in parking lots trying to explain this to her. I hate that her issues are stressing me out. Because while i am trying to understand what being a good friend is, i also have to learn when it is best to step back and deal with my own stuff.

View From the Bridge.

A few pictures from my walk across the bridge yesterday. It was fucking amazing.

Losing Balance.

Today Kat and I celebrated our one year anniversary.

One year ago (give or take a few days) we ventured on our first outing to the Brooklyn Book Fair and bonded quickly over work, life and books and became best of friends.

We have been friends for several years, despite that summer i ignored the shit out of her, but last year we attempted to hang out outside of work for the first time sans our mutual friends. Anyone who has had a job ever can attest to the awkwardness of finding out that a particular friendship at work doesn't translate well when you attempt to do so away from work.

Kat and I did not have that problem. We immediately clicked, talked each others ear off and promised that in a year we would return and relieve the splendor that was last year. And that was exactly what we did. Well with a few exceptions.

A lot has changed in a year. A lot. I am not the same girl who trekked to Brooklyn last year. I am a little more jaded and complicated and things in my life are just so fucking different. Sometimes I feel like someone has placed me in a blender. They've added a splash of good and angst ridden things. Closed the lid and spun this new me around. Sure the end result is made of all the same contents but the consistency is different. The blend has changed everything.

So it was weird returing and seeing how much has changed in us and our personal lives. We both replayed (over and over again) how crazy the last year has been. None of which had to do with our actual friendship, which is great. We hang out almost every day. We text and talk on a daily basis. She is my closest friend these days. I have seen her cry. She has seen me cry. And we are loyal in preserving our bond. I love being her friend. But that didn't stop us from talking about last year, where our friendship begin and how different we are today. We couldn't stop talking about the fact that a year ago things seemed for fucking simpler. Boys, Life, Death and whatever the space in between was that we use to reside.

We expected for some reason for Brooklyn to look different. We marveled how everything remained the same. The book fair was spectacular with various vendors promoting new and old titles. This year there was even a space designated for food vendors. I had a waffle baked in maple syrup so that you could eat it like finger food. Twas delicious and sprinkled with powered sugar. We didn't stay too long though, to be honest. The book fair was just our excuse to return to Brooklyn and retrace our steps.

Kat's mind was bogged with her current/recent crush dilemma (having a huge crush on a married man is quite the burden). I was quite consumed with well, everything, as well. But maybe not as vocal about it.

A part of me was thinking about my relationship with Sean and men in general. Sean and I have returned to a good place. Two weekends ago I had another hospital scare ( i wrote about this but have yet to post it). It was a pretty rough day and it ended with me being dragged home by Sean in a taxi crying. Recently I was diagnosed with vertigo caused by issues with my ears. My whole life i have had ear infections. This year it has knocked me off my feet..literally. I woke up two Saturdays ago dizzy, vomiting and unable to walk. Kat was on her way to pick me up anyway, so we headed to the hospital where we spent five ours in the ICU. I had an MRI and blood drawn and was attached to an IV for a few hours.

Once I was discharged i made the mistake of deciding to go to work despite being released 30 minutes earlier. I was still dizzy and weak and a hot mess but i thought i could work. I lasted about 45 minutes into my shift before i damn near fainted in the break room. Immediately I was sent home by a very concerned manager. She asked me if I had anyone to pick me up because I was unable to walk. Sean chimed in that he would take me home. For about an hour Sean was my support. We had to go to the pharmacy and get my vertigo medicine. He had to anchor me with his forearms so i wouldn't fall over.  We then had to take a cab to my house. The whole way I told him i felt like barfing. That i didn't want to barf on him. That i was very upset. I may have cried.

When we got to my house, he guided me up the stairs all the way to my room. He asked if I needed help settling into bed. I told him i was okay ( i wasn't). He asked me again as if I didn't hear him correctly. I declined again and thanked him for taking me home. Boy, did i want him to come in my room. I wanted him to come in so badly. But I was dizzy not stupid so i thought the better thing was for him to go and for me to sleep. He left soon after and then called me the next day to check in on me. It was nice and since then we
returned to a nice place of flirty friends. I can handle this.

The health scare two weeks ago though put a lot of things in perspective. Many of which I thought about today. Mainly that I have to concentrate on myself for a bit. Since Marie's death I have busied myself with activities and boys and friends to distance myself from dealing with regret and grief and anger and anger. I am terrified of silence these days. I still sleep with the tv on to distract my mind. In doing so I have worn myself out. I have put little time aside for myself to just breathe. And I find it hilarious, hilarious, that for someone who has spent her whole life trying to find the balance between my internal and external self that i have vertigo! Of all the weird illnesses to have, I have one where my balance is in constant question.

I am losing track of things. Myself, time, perspective and i want to work on reclaiming those things again. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love my life these days (despite the aching, aching pain). I am stronger and braver. I am taking risks and putting myself out there. But I continue to wobble on the thin line between holding it all together and falling apart.

I couldn't help but think of all of this during our time in Brooklyn today. How on the surface, I am doing okay. I feel okay. I laugh. And I smile. I function as normally as possible. But I get the pangs of dizzy spells that say otherwise. Spells that tell me that things are not as okay as they seem. I still wake up ever so often feeling off balanced. I have trouble with balance and bump into things repeatedly. I'm going to an ENT in a few weeks to get my ears checked out and curb the infection. But until then I have to work on being physically balance until the vertigo goes away. When I start to wobble throughout the day, I try to reclaim my balance, which I learned to do from a nice website dedicated to Vertigo exercises. I  place my hands out to my sides as if i am on a balance beam and raise them slowly until i can turn my head from side to side looking at the tips of my fingers. I repeat this exercise until the dizziness goes away and I am able to stand upright without the sensation of falling. And 9 out of 10 times it works. It's my way to create balance where I physically lack it.

I wonder if I can incorporate this balance into my real like as well. If i can, I think I will feel less...spun out of control. Writing use to help. It was a form of stability and balance that was useful.  Lately I regret not writing as much as i use to. There use to be a time when I would come home from a lazy day of class and want to write down every thing that happened that day. And now I don't. I tuck my experiences into some weird secret pocket of my mind where it sits and simmers. And it feels awful. Because I have done more and seen more and interacted in so many more ways these last few years that I am pissed at myself for not recording them as I want to. As i need to. Being able to read the things from my life, refer back to memories good and bad were my cures to everything. I'd like it to restore my sense of self and balance again.

And it will. With time and patience I guess.

Anyway, it's been a long day and I'm rambling it seems. I work at my new job (which is going so well it's a wonder I've gone this long without another form of income) and Le sad store tomorrow so I wanna head to bed early and sleep in very very very late. I'm going to upload pictures of my trip to Brooklyn soon. I walked the Brooklyn Bridge today! I can't believe I did that. It was grand.

Fool Me Once...

So, I've come to the conclusion that i have to be as honest about my relationship with Sean as possible. With writing, especially, there is a tendency to exaggerate or leave out things. Not because i want to be vague or worse, because I'm a big fat liar. It's because I'm human, relaying my thoughts and experiences from my point of view.

And my thoughts are rarely cohesive. I don't always remember things in linear fashion. I don't always remember what was said right down the period at the end of the dialogue. I leave things out here and there in order to get to the point. But sometimes the things i leave out are as important as the things i decide to jot down and remember because they connect the dots.

Sometimes when I write about Sean I feel like a school girl in lurve. I only cover the good. He made me a vampire stake. He bought me lunch. He submerged my wrist in water to ease the tension from an injury i sustained at work. He's attractive and fit. He makes me laugh and drives me home and he is attracted to me. I cover the good more than the bad because I have, in some ways, put him on a pedestal. When i was at my lowest i simply wanted someone to take care of me. He did not step into this role but i may have forced it upon him. And then he cried in front of me. And i reverted back to what i am good at: taking care of people because it makes me feel needed.

Even though I feel like he generally likes me and has a connection to me, the fact is the boy still has a fucking girlfriend. Not only does he have a girlfriend (who he has no interest in breaking up with) but for every good sweet interaction there are a handful of shitty ones. This boy is not perfect (neither am I) and he has done some very awful and shady things to me in the past . He has said pretty insensitive things. Dismissed me in front of people. Manipulated my feelings so that I'll do him favors. And i don't write these downs. Not hear anyway. I cry about them. I replay them in my mind. But i have not been honest with them here because i'm infuated with him. But here are some examples of Sean behaving badly that i've wanted to write about but did not:
.......

 Before the hot/cold water wrist thing, I came to him (days before) and asked if he would take a look at my wrist. A couple of people, even one employee who i hated at the time, offered to massage it for me because i was a pitiful mess of bandages and tears. I thought "hey! if strange kid who i rarely see will sit here and massage my wrist for me maybe Sean will too". So I went up to him, asked if he could take a look at my wrist, do his massage magic (cause he knows how to). The mofo stared at me. Said "um, eww, are u fucking serious. i'm not touching you or your wrist" and walked away.

.....

I bought a bookshelf a few months back but had no way of bringing it home. I asked Sean,because he drives me home any way, if he could bring the bookshelf to my house (on a night we both got out around the same time) to help me carry it upstairs and set it up. He said no problem. He brought a desk over a few weeks earlier and putting the bookshelf together would take 25 minutes. On the night we were to bring the bookshelf over he kept making fun of me. He was being really annoying and juvenile. I got out at 10pm. But had to stay until he got out at midnight. I lingered in the store. Helped out a little (off the clock). And purchased groceries. Around 11:30, he makes a really dumb comment that pisses me off. I got upset and told him to stop being a douche. He didn't hear me though and asked me to repeat what i said. Out of nowhere one of our co-workers says "she told you to go fuck yourself man" and starts laughing. I shrug my shoulders and forget about the incident.

As we are leaving I ask if he wants to grab the bookshelf while i grab his bag to carry to the car. He says "I'm not bringing the bookshelf to your house". I ask why. He says because i was being a bitch and that he is going straight home. I throw my hands up and say i have no idea what he is talking about. That i stayed an extra two hours cause he said would do me a favor. He tells me it doesn't matter what he said before, that I'm not his concern and because he isn't bringing the bookshelf to my house that i can also walk home... in the rain.

Someone else gives me a ride that night out of pity.

.........

Two weeks ago I told him that I didn't want him to get the impression that i am his puppy (a term that is pretty self explanatory). That i like him but that I need him to respect me. That i can't have him ask me to return items to various stores, pick up food for me, be his go to 'beckett will do anything for me' because of my feelings for him. Lately I've been getting this impression. He's gotten angry with me if i don't acknowledge him when he walks in. He's called my name across aisle, followed by 'come over here' like I'm some fucking dog. I told him that i didn't want to be his fan. Or come off as one, especially because he likes attention. And that the reason i like being around him is because i want to be his friend. He said that i was being creepy and that he had no idea what i was talking about. That he is use to girls making a big deal about him but that i need to cut it out and get over it. It's weird. Then he went on to tell me that he asked to see his ex-girlfriends boobs and she did because he has that charm over girls.

"do you wanna show me your boobs"

I cry

.......

maybe because i never agree to actually show him my boobs, he accidentally touches them when we are alone. All the fucking time.  His hands will find their way on my breast and gently press into them as if he has some ownership to them. I immediately push his hands away and make light of his aggression. I call him a brute. I tell him that my breasts are for me and me only. He laughs and says he won't do it again. And then again happens...again. One such breast grabbing day (maybe a year ago), he touched them, laughed and said 'i'm glad i can do this and it doesn't like mean anything. It's like i'm just touching flesh you know. My girlfriend has nothing to worry about when i'm around with you, cause i don't feel anything when i touch you'
........

One weekend he came in pissed to work. He spent the day fuming and intimidating people and punching walls. I went up to him and asked what was wrong. He told me to leave him alone. I told him that i couldn't because he seemed upset and that i was worried about him. He told me to stop worrying because he doesn't worry about me when he goes home.

........

He will not give me his phone number. Out of our mutual friends i am the only one he refuses to give it to me. When he calls me it is always from work.He once told me the only person who needed to have his personal phone number was his 'girlfriend' and 'i wasn't his girlfriend so i was never getting his number". This hurt me initially because he often throws the girlfriend thing in my face as a form of attack. Secondly, I found out days later that there are three or four girls from that store who have his number. I am not one of them.

....


marie. marie. marie

......

This is only the ones i can remember tonight. There are a lot of instances where this boy has been very unkind to me. Not in a malicious way but in a 'i don't really care about you that much' way. And now i have Pectogate 2012 to add to the list of fucked up things Sean has done.

Me and Kat hang out every Tuesday. It's our thing. At first it had to do with convenience. Movies for some reason are cheaper in our town on Tuesday. I, at the time, did not work those days and she usually got off at 4. So we could squeeze in a movie, dinner and talking every Tuesday. It was and remains our day to look forward to. Because of my new job though (which is going well), I am not always available to hang out Tuesdays, especially if she gets out really early.

This Tuesday though our schedules worked out. She got off at 4. Agreed to wait til i got off at 5 and then we were going to head to the mall to do some fall window shopping. Then we were going to get burritos and talk about boys, music and the various book sales we are attending. It was going to be relaxing. As soon as i walk in, I put my shit down and head to find Kat. She is talking to her crush, so i wave and tell her I'm going to get some water from cafe (so she'll have some time alone with him). I run into Sean on the way to the break room. I give him a hug. Ask how he is doing. And tell him i have to get going but it was good to see him.

Now....he knows that i do not work Tuesdays. He knows this. I haven't worked Tuesdays unless I've switched schedule with someone. But this did not stop him from asking me what what i was doing there. If i was on the clock. What i was up to.

I tell him that Me and Kat are going shopping. She has some things to return to the mall and we want to look at some cute things to buy when we get paid on friday. He completely ignores what i have just said and asks if Kathleen has a car. This is sort of a weird question. She did just recently get her drivers license and a car but a few months ago but he knows this because she asked him about parking when she first started driving to work. I laugh and tell him that Kat does drive ('but you know this') and that she did drive today ('because well, you know this too").

"Oh, i just wanted to know because, um,....I need you do me a favor". Le sigh.

He says he needs to buy dog food. That he should have done it earlier but forgot. He wants to know if I wouldn't mind going to the store for him to buy the food and bring it back to the store. Of course he needs to get this dog food from a specific store. One that is 15 minutes away by car. Which would require me to convince Kat to drive me there....to do him this really sweet favor. I make a face. I am hesitant. But its Sean. And I'm sort of a puppy. I want to do things for him because I'm convinced it'll make me look good in his book. I tell him to give me a few minutes while i run the idea by Kat.

Kat hates Sean. She thinks he is an asshole. She is only nice to him because she knows how i feel about him. But because we are going through similar boy crushes, she agreed to drive me to Petco despite it cutting into our hanging out time. I collect the money from Sean, I tell him we'll be back in a few and then we drive to Petco in search of this specific dog food brand. The whole ride there I am telling Kat how stupid it is that I have agreed to do this for him. I apologize for bringing her into this. Because lets be honest, if i had never shown up at the store he would have never asked me and I would have gone on with our plans. But he saw me, and he knew I wouldn't say no and he didn't care that i had plans that did not revolve him.

When we get to petco we spend 20 minutes looking for this specific brand of food. They don't have it. Out of the blue Kat says "doesn't he have a bunch of cats. Why the hell are we buying dog food anyway?" the thought never crossed my mind when i agreed to go to Petco. But now that we are in Petco, I can't help realizing that kat has a motherfukcing point. Sean doesn't have a dog. Especially not a small dog. Why they hell are we in Petco? But i put the thought behind me (before i get upset) and call him up to tell him that they don't have the bag he wants.

When i reach him, and tell him that we can't find the bag and that we have been in the store for a very long time he says:

oh, well that's okay. You guys can just come back. I was actually going to go in the morning to get the food. it's no big deal. just thought i could get the errand done early. It's no big deal, really. Just come back to the store. With my money of course.

???

If this was not an urgent pet food run, why ask me to go! Why ask me, when i already have plans, to do something for you. And yes, I know, I know, I could have said no. I should have said no. But i thought  i was doing something nice for a boy who i still like despite all the fucked up things he has done.

On the way back to the store Kat and i are fuming. We wasted an our doing this is favor for him, only for him to tell us he didn't actually need us to go. I've used up our awesome hanging out to to do a favor for Sean and we both know by the time we get back to the store she has to go home. I give Sean his money without looking at him (after having to repay for parking!) and tell him to have a good night and then cry on the way home. 

That night tho, after the tears, I am filled with anger. I can't help thinking about the fact that Sean doesn't have a dog. He talks about his pets all the time. His pets that just so happen to be cats. I know he has a lot of cats. But he has never once mentioned having a dog. So who the hell were we buying dog food for. Why was he so anxious to have us pick it up. Who did he call to get the name of the specific dog food brand (he did this before we left but wouldn not let me listen in on the conversation) And then everything makes fucking sense.

I connect the dots and the image comes to me quickly and with clarity.

I sit up in my bed and text Kat immediately:

"dear gawd. I think this motherfucker sent us to Petco to get dog food for his...girlfriend"

His girlfriend has a small dog. He showed me a picture once. It's one of those annoying tiny dogs with the loud bark. He sent me...his crush...the girl he inappropriately touches at work and says suggestive things to....to get dog food...for his fucking girlfriend. Are you serious.

I don't know if anyone else thinks this is incredibly insensitive. But i think it's pretty fucked up. He throws the fact that he has a girlfriend in my face all the time. He knows that I like him and have at times been willing to do anything for him. And because he knows that i won't say no, he asks me to run an errand for his fucking girlfriend.

I am livid. I can't be your girl. I can't be your friend. You can touch me and say its nothing. You can disregard me and call me crazy when i get upset. You can be an awful selfish boy who i forgive despite being completely transparent to you. But i can pick up dog food for your girlfriend so that she'll think your the best boyfriend in the whole wide world.

He asked me, on my day off, knowing i had plans, to get dog food.

And like a fucking puppy....i did.

I am at a loss for words. I am disappointed in myself foremost for being so naive. For wanting Sean to notice me and fall for me and like me. But I am pissed that he's an inconsiderate asshole, who even after Kat told him how fucked up it was sending your crush to get your girlfriend dog food is, could not see the error in his ways.

Fool me once, shame on you.

I'm fucking over being invisible to this boy. He is never going to want me the way i want him. Never. Because if he did, he would have fought to have me all for himself way before now. He wouldn't have sent me to get dog food. He would have cared when things went to complete and utter shit in December

Fool me twice, well, there ain't gonna be a second time...