Losing Balance.

Today Kat and I celebrated our one year anniversary.

One year ago (give or take a few days) we ventured on our first outing to the Brooklyn Book Fair and bonded quickly over work, life and books and became best of friends.

We have been friends for several years, despite that summer i ignored the shit out of her, but last year we attempted to hang out outside of work for the first time sans our mutual friends. Anyone who has had a job ever can attest to the awkwardness of finding out that a particular friendship at work doesn't translate well when you attempt to do so away from work.

Kat and I did not have that problem. We immediately clicked, talked each others ear off and promised that in a year we would return and relieve the splendor that was last year. And that was exactly what we did. Well with a few exceptions.

A lot has changed in a year. A lot. I am not the same girl who trekked to Brooklyn last year. I am a little more jaded and complicated and things in my life are just so fucking different. Sometimes I feel like someone has placed me in a blender. They've added a splash of good and angst ridden things. Closed the lid and spun this new me around. Sure the end result is made of all the same contents but the consistency is different. The blend has changed everything.

So it was weird returing and seeing how much has changed in us and our personal lives. We both replayed (over and over again) how crazy the last year has been. None of which had to do with our actual friendship, which is great. We hang out almost every day. We text and talk on a daily basis. She is my closest friend these days. I have seen her cry. She has seen me cry. And we are loyal in preserving our bond. I love being her friend. But that didn't stop us from talking about last year, where our friendship begin and how different we are today. We couldn't stop talking about the fact that a year ago things seemed for fucking simpler. Boys, Life, Death and whatever the space in between was that we use to reside.

We expected for some reason for Brooklyn to look different. We marveled how everything remained the same. The book fair was spectacular with various vendors promoting new and old titles. This year there was even a space designated for food vendors. I had a waffle baked in maple syrup so that you could eat it like finger food. Twas delicious and sprinkled with powered sugar. We didn't stay too long though, to be honest. The book fair was just our excuse to return to Brooklyn and retrace our steps.

Kat's mind was bogged with her current/recent crush dilemma (having a huge crush on a married man is quite the burden). I was quite consumed with well, everything, as well. But maybe not as vocal about it.

A part of me was thinking about my relationship with Sean and men in general. Sean and I have returned to a good place. Two weekends ago I had another hospital scare ( i wrote about this but have yet to post it). It was a pretty rough day and it ended with me being dragged home by Sean in a taxi crying. Recently I was diagnosed with vertigo caused by issues with my ears. My whole life i have had ear infections. This year it has knocked me off my feet..literally. I woke up two Saturdays ago dizzy, vomiting and unable to walk. Kat was on her way to pick me up anyway, so we headed to the hospital where we spent five ours in the ICU. I had an MRI and blood drawn and was attached to an IV for a few hours.

Once I was discharged i made the mistake of deciding to go to work despite being released 30 minutes earlier. I was still dizzy and weak and a hot mess but i thought i could work. I lasted about 45 minutes into my shift before i damn near fainted in the break room. Immediately I was sent home by a very concerned manager. She asked me if I had anyone to pick me up because I was unable to walk. Sean chimed in that he would take me home. For about an hour Sean was my support. We had to go to the pharmacy and get my vertigo medicine. He had to anchor me with his forearms so i wouldn't fall over.  We then had to take a cab to my house. The whole way I told him i felt like barfing. That i didn't want to barf on him. That i was very upset. I may have cried.

When we got to my house, he guided me up the stairs all the way to my room. He asked if I needed help settling into bed. I told him i was okay ( i wasn't). He asked me again as if I didn't hear him correctly. I declined again and thanked him for taking me home. Boy, did i want him to come in my room. I wanted him to come in so badly. But I was dizzy not stupid so i thought the better thing was for him to go and for me to sleep. He left soon after and then called me the next day to check in on me. It was nice and since then we
returned to a nice place of flirty friends. I can handle this.

The health scare two weeks ago though put a lot of things in perspective. Many of which I thought about today. Mainly that I have to concentrate on myself for a bit. Since Marie's death I have busied myself with activities and boys and friends to distance myself from dealing with regret and grief and anger and anger. I am terrified of silence these days. I still sleep with the tv on to distract my mind. In doing so I have worn myself out. I have put little time aside for myself to just breathe. And I find it hilarious, hilarious, that for someone who has spent her whole life trying to find the balance between my internal and external self that i have vertigo! Of all the weird illnesses to have, I have one where my balance is in constant question.

I am losing track of things. Myself, time, perspective and i want to work on reclaiming those things again. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love my life these days (despite the aching, aching pain). I am stronger and braver. I am taking risks and putting myself out there. But I continue to wobble on the thin line between holding it all together and falling apart.

I couldn't help but think of all of this during our time in Brooklyn today. How on the surface, I am doing okay. I feel okay. I laugh. And I smile. I function as normally as possible. But I get the pangs of dizzy spells that say otherwise. Spells that tell me that things are not as okay as they seem. I still wake up ever so often feeling off balanced. I have trouble with balance and bump into things repeatedly. I'm going to an ENT in a few weeks to get my ears checked out and curb the infection. But until then I have to work on being physically balance until the vertigo goes away. When I start to wobble throughout the day, I try to reclaim my balance, which I learned to do from a nice website dedicated to Vertigo exercises. I  place my hands out to my sides as if i am on a balance beam and raise them slowly until i can turn my head from side to side looking at the tips of my fingers. I repeat this exercise until the dizziness goes away and I am able to stand upright without the sensation of falling. And 9 out of 10 times it works. It's my way to create balance where I physically lack it.

I wonder if I can incorporate this balance into my real like as well. If i can, I think I will feel less...spun out of control. Writing use to help. It was a form of stability and balance that was useful.  Lately I regret not writing as much as i use to. There use to be a time when I would come home from a lazy day of class and want to write down every thing that happened that day. And now I don't. I tuck my experiences into some weird secret pocket of my mind where it sits and simmers. And it feels awful. Because I have done more and seen more and interacted in so many more ways these last few years that I am pissed at myself for not recording them as I want to. As i need to. Being able to read the things from my life, refer back to memories good and bad were my cures to everything. I'd like it to restore my sense of self and balance again.

And it will. With time and patience I guess.

Anyway, it's been a long day and I'm rambling it seems. I work at my new job (which is going so well it's a wonder I've gone this long without another form of income) and Le sad store tomorrow so I wanna head to bed early and sleep in very very very late. I'm going to upload pictures of my trip to Brooklyn soon. I walked the Brooklyn Bridge today! I can't believe I did that. It was grand.