Tales from Parking Lots.

I spend a lot of time in parking lots. A lot. This is not by choice. I thought i should put that out there.

Lately Kat and I have made a habit of hanging out every tuesday. Before I got my new job I use to have tuesdays off. I wanted one day off during the week for interviews and such. Of course I really spent tuesdays sleeping, watching netflix and not cleaning my room. I miss those days.

But then Kat and I started hanging out. And my tuesdays became less about me and my general love of laziness and more about forming a bond with her. Because she gets out before 5 and I get out at 5, i stop by the store so me and Kat can go to the movies, or shopping or to eat. Mainly so we can talk about boys, boys, movies, boys, books, boys, boys, and boys.

We always end our hangouts talking in her car (in the parking garage near le sad store) while some sad playlist is playing in the background. For a while this was fun. But after a series of unfortunate events I can no longer say this about our tuesday activities.

I am not going to lie and say that a part of my friendship with Kat has little to do with our current boy obsessions. Because in all honesty it's a huge part of our relationship. She is the only one who knows about my crush on Sean. She sort of figured it out to be honest and i have shared all the awesome and terrible things between me and the boy. I was relieved to have someone to share my secret with. I also liked being able to validate my feelings for him. I could tell her about an exchange and she would say 'aww, thats so sweet of him. It has to mean he likes you" and I would light up and say "i know, right?"

And I am the only one who knows about her very inappropriate relationship with this married guy at work. She has had a crush on him for about 2 years. When he started working there he was engaged. Now he is married, recently took a managerial position at work and is looking to move closer to the job. Kat and him have had a long standing flirtateous relationship. But a few weeks ago he admitted he had a crush on her and that he was conflicted because of his 'situation'. Kat, who loves attention from dudes, pounced on this. They engaged in late night texting, confessing and possible 'erotic photo exchange'. I told her to stop. She did not because she liked having the hottest boy at our store eating out the palm of her hand.

And then it all came to a crashing halt when he took the managerial position at the store. Or maybe when he realized that a married man should not give into the fantasies of being with another chick. The hot and cold treatment began on both ends. She told him that maybe they should stop talking because the game wasn't fun anymore. He agreed. She then went back and told him that she was wrong and that they shouldn't stop talking and that maybe they could try and resolve things. He doesn't want to do this. And has been pretty distant ever since.

 Ever since then, our tuesdays are spent talking about her situation. I go to the store expecting to window shop at the mall, see a movie, eat a burrito and instead I am sitting in the passenger seat watching my friend bawl her eyes out over a boy who was never hers to begin with. To say i'm a little annoyed and pissed about this is an understatement. Sometimes I feel the only reason she likes him is because everyone else wants him. She has said this to me more than once. He is gorgeous and funny and a nice guy (outside of this terrible almost cheating situation). She is sexually attracted to him. Maybe emotionally as well. But because she is so use to having guys throw themselves at her she is turned on by the fact that she has to fight for his affection. And that after two years of chasing him, flirting with him, suggesting things to him the boy fell for it. And then decided it wasn't for him.

The last few days she has cried at work because they no longer have that bond they once shared. He is nice to her but kind of treats her like everyone else at the store. The other day, I was off, she was sent home an hour early because someone found her crying in the aisle hysterically. She wanted to stop by my house so she could vent and cry. I was busy and that was not happening. So she spent the whole night texting me until i feel asleep.

Today, I was off from Le Sad Store and enjoying another quiet day at work. I work in the 'copying' department at the university and it is pretty awesome. I am the only person there from 1 to 5, i complete jobs if there are any but for the most part I read and write because there is simply nothing else to do. At first this made me nervous. I am so use to doing something and being on my feet all day that waiting around to get jobs was....weird. 6 weeks later i am so happy having four hour a day to myself. I get to relax and read and listen to music. The campus is beautiful and my view is of trees and fields. I enjoy the solitude. As i was watching netflix on my ipid, I get a texts from Kat that she is cyring hysterically in her car because she tried to talk to him today about possibly hanging out and he shut her down. In trying to be a good friend I told her to calm down. That she just needed to breathe. Because my job is only a 15 minute walk to the store i offered to meet her there after my shift (despite wanting to go home).
So at 5, I dragged my very tired self to the 6th floor of the parking lot and spent an hour trying to talk her hysterics away. It didn't go well. She went over her failed attempt to talk to him today. She is set in her very own delusional view about this situation. She thinks she has missed her chance to be with this guy. She doesn't understand how he can so easily turn off his feelings for her. She wants him. She doesn't want him. She thinks he is everything she could want in a guy. She wants the chance to find the fault in him that will prove her wrong. It was all so confusing. My stomach was growling. I wanted to go home. And hide under the covers and to emerge when the crazy disappeared. Instead i said all the things i could say to steer her towards the simple truth: he aint never going to be with her, so why put so much energy in him.

Especially when she has a boyfriend! And he is married!

I've never in my life wanted to just deal with my own problems before. A couple of weeks ago she saw Sean talking to a girl she hates at work. They were giggling and sharing a joke. She pulled me over so i could see the two of them talking, as if i was suppose to get jealous and angry. I told her I didn't care that he was talking to her. In fact, i wasn't in any position to be possessive and crazy over a boy who isn't mine. She couldn't understand this. She asked if i was getting over him. I told her that I still like him but that i kind of want to do my own things now. I don't want to spend so much time obsessing about a boy who, welp, isn't mine.

And the last few weeks have been awesome becuase of this new game plan. When i do have some alone time I've finished books, decorated my room, danced, even managed to get some sleep. Despite the hosptial visits and doctors appointments I am actually feeling pretty good these days. Enegerized and optimistic and okay with where I am at right now. While Kat and I are great friends are differences are beginning to bleed through. I do not crave attention from dudes. I am sort of ego-less and am craving simplicity and while i would love the boy/life/job of my dreams to fall in my lap, i refuse to wait and be miserable until he or it comes along.

For my own sanity. I deserve more.

But i am getting pretty tired of sitting in parking lots trying to explain this to her. I hate that her issues are stressing me out. Because while i am trying to understand what being a good friend is, i also have to learn when it is best to step back and deal with my own stuff.