from: [my email address]
to: {sean's father email address]
cc: [sean's military email address]
sent: Saturday 10:45am
subject: Re: Letters to my Son
Dear Mr. {Sean's Dad}
I received both your Facebook message and email and am glad to hear that Sean is doing well. It has been some time since Sean and I have really talked so your updates are appreciated. Unfortunately our lack of contact has much to do with the fact that while Sean is deployed his limited communication should pertain to family and close friends and we have mutually come to a conclusion that I don't really met either of those requirements these days. While he is deployed we decided to limit our contact as to give each other space to accomplish our goals independently.
I want to thank you for all that you and [your wife] have done for me these last few months. I understand the desire to share Sean's successes with me despite our decision to support one another from a distance. If you hear from Sean tell him I have received all of his messages on facebook and from his email and that I hope he is doing okay and that he is happy and safe out on the sea. I think about him often and can only hope that he is well. I wish you all the best and continue to expect only great and adventurous things from your family even if i am cheering you on from the sidelines. It's been a pleasure knowing you all and i thank you for having me along for this journey however short and brief it was.
Sincerely,
Beckett Amelia Hughes.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Return to Sender
No one tells you that being a person, whatever that means, is pretty hard. Pretty fucking hard and some days, despite your best efforts, you just don't feel like having to be a person for a second. NOT in the suicidal way of course. I guess i should preface that before i start ranting about not wanting to be a person these days.
As this is a space for me to talk about my personal going on's, i apologize in advance if the boy drama becomes tiresome to read about. I don't really have anyone to talk to, in my daily life, about how i am feeling these days. Not because there aren't people around; there definitely are. But being able to express how i am really holding up about stuff has always been easier and more honest in written form.
My automatic reply for how am i doing these past few days has been "fine" 'okay" "hanging in there' "-meh, things could be better but ya know'. My facade is placid. I am all shrugs and wry smiles. The exterior has to pass for okay so people don't start worrying. Depression makes people worry naturally. The thing is when the depression surrounds a boy, people are less sympathetic. You are expected to just move on, get over it, function like a normal person...because heartbreak is nothing new or unique. So on the outside i've been doing my best to pass as a functioning human being as to avoid the look of annoyance.
On the inside however I AM A FUCKING HOT MESS. The hottest mess ever. Not going to lie it feels good writing that down as i fight back the tears that are forming at the base of my eyeball. How is it possible to cry this much. Where are the tears even stored in my small body. Seriously, where are they stored.
As of Monday Sean is on deployment for the next 9 months. This should be a relief. Having him home for two weeks was not great. And while he was waiting to be deployed for 11 days in Florida it was even harder. Now he will be out of my life in every way for 9 whole months and i hope in that time it will be become easier without him.
Before he left however he reached out to me during moments of loneliness and nostalgia. He didn't say any of the things i wanted him to say. He didn't go above or beyond the bare minimal. But because our relationship often feels like two people clinging to each other to prevent each other from falling, i clung to him as much as he held on to me out of fear of what crashing feels like rather than anything else.
But it is never and will never be enough for that boy. Just before he left he uploaded a picture on fb of him and his gf from his college graduation (which was four years ago). Despite the big graduation she was unable to attend just a few months ago the lasting image he wanted everyone to see was a celebratory image of them together. And most everyone who liked on commented thought the image was taken from his graduation from the Naval Academy. The one i attended. The one i showed up for.
To say I was pissed and/or crushed when i came across the picture would be an understatement. But i wasn't surprised. Not at all. I wished he had better tact. I wished the light-bulb in his pea sized brain would turn on. But i wasn't surprised. I an perceptive and knowledgeable of things I cannot see. And in some weird way i know this boy, i do not understand him, but i know him. And at this point i don't want anything from him except for him to know that he hurt me. I wish he could feel what i am going through.But i know he is incapable of doing so.
What is more annoying is that on Monday before he set sail he sent me the shipping address for the boat he will be on for the next 9 months. As if i am going to write him letters while he is at sea. This is not the fucking notebook (a movie for which i have not seen but i assume letter writing occurred based on how many gifs from this movie appear on my tumblr feed). I am not going to send letters to him as i did when he was in boot camp because that worked out really well for me.
I am not going to give him anymore of my words where i profess how much i care about him and miss him and want him to be safe out there at sea. I will not pen anymore letters with stories of my happenings to help him pass the time while he is out there. I will not invest anymore words on a boy who has so dismissively stepped on them as if they weren't delicate. I will not.
But.
It doesn't mean i don't want to ( I won't based on the previous statements. He literally told me he had no time to see me while he was home. And i should have been the one person he had the most time for). It doesn't mean I don't, despite everything, want to write him letters that will sustain him. like a life source. Because the part of me that won't do any of those things is met with the other part of me that desires to. I know things. I can't explain them but i do. And despite everything i still on some absurd level want to offer comfort to a boy who has not shown me an ounce of kindness this past year. I'll never be able to explain why.
Of course I will fight the urge to send him anything. Also, per my moms suggestion, should anything come in the mail from Sean it will be returned to sender. No explanation needed. I have to cut things off now or continued to be dragged in the mug.
But it has been a fight to distance this boy from my thoughts. If my facade is placid and stoic I am handling this 'breakup' inwardly like a girl losing her goddamn mind:. I've sobbed in various corners in public. I have avoided contact with people who aren't my close personal friends. I have moments of Beyonce confidence followed only by Fiona Apple angst. I bought new shoes, do i have the money for them, no, do i feel better having them, yes. yes. I do. I've created 2 breakup playlists which i have played repeatedly and then cried to. I haven't worn pants in days (skirts are easier to drag myself into) and yet i have worn some bum ass hoodies to emphasize that clearly i cannot properly dress myself. I called my cat my best friend yesterday, followed by a hug he had to escape from due to the crying. I call my mom constantly to vent and fake sob. Pizza is my new best friend. along with sweat pants and netflix. I eat pizza, in sweat pants watching netflix. I constantly find myself lying in the fetal position praying that i can not be a person just for a little while longer. Because being a person is fucking hard. I'd rather be a lump in my bed under covers trying to come to terms with the mess he has made than a person who has to pretend she's okay.
Because i am a HOT FUCKING MESS. As with most things i feel every emotion on a large scale. And this, well this is a whole new territory.
As this is a space for me to talk about my personal going on's, i apologize in advance if the boy drama becomes tiresome to read about. I don't really have anyone to talk to, in my daily life, about how i am feeling these days. Not because there aren't people around; there definitely are. But being able to express how i am really holding up about stuff has always been easier and more honest in written form.
My automatic reply for how am i doing these past few days has been "fine" 'okay" "hanging in there' "-meh, things could be better but ya know'. My facade is placid. I am all shrugs and wry smiles. The exterior has to pass for okay so people don't start worrying. Depression makes people worry naturally. The thing is when the depression surrounds a boy, people are less sympathetic. You are expected to just move on, get over it, function like a normal person...because heartbreak is nothing new or unique. So on the outside i've been doing my best to pass as a functioning human being as to avoid the look of annoyance.
On the inside however I AM A FUCKING HOT MESS. The hottest mess ever. Not going to lie it feels good writing that down as i fight back the tears that are forming at the base of my eyeball. How is it possible to cry this much. Where are the tears even stored in my small body. Seriously, where are they stored.
As of Monday Sean is on deployment for the next 9 months. This should be a relief. Having him home for two weeks was not great. And while he was waiting to be deployed for 11 days in Florida it was even harder. Now he will be out of my life in every way for 9 whole months and i hope in that time it will be become easier without him.
Before he left however he reached out to me during moments of loneliness and nostalgia. He didn't say any of the things i wanted him to say. He didn't go above or beyond the bare minimal. But because our relationship often feels like two people clinging to each other to prevent each other from falling, i clung to him as much as he held on to me out of fear of what crashing feels like rather than anything else.
But it is never and will never be enough for that boy. Just before he left he uploaded a picture on fb of him and his gf from his college graduation (which was four years ago). Despite the big graduation she was unable to attend just a few months ago the lasting image he wanted everyone to see was a celebratory image of them together. And most everyone who liked on commented thought the image was taken from his graduation from the Naval Academy. The one i attended. The one i showed up for.
To say I was pissed and/or crushed when i came across the picture would be an understatement. But i wasn't surprised. Not at all. I wished he had better tact. I wished the light-bulb in his pea sized brain would turn on. But i wasn't surprised. I an perceptive and knowledgeable of things I cannot see. And in some weird way i know this boy, i do not understand him, but i know him. And at this point i don't want anything from him except for him to know that he hurt me. I wish he could feel what i am going through.But i know he is incapable of doing so.
What is more annoying is that on Monday before he set sail he sent me the shipping address for the boat he will be on for the next 9 months. As if i am going to write him letters while he is at sea. This is not the fucking notebook (a movie for which i have not seen but i assume letter writing occurred based on how many gifs from this movie appear on my tumblr feed). I am not going to send letters to him as i did when he was in boot camp because that worked out really well for me.
I am not going to give him anymore of my words where i profess how much i care about him and miss him and want him to be safe out there at sea. I will not pen anymore letters with stories of my happenings to help him pass the time while he is out there. I will not invest anymore words on a boy who has so dismissively stepped on them as if they weren't delicate. I will not.
But.
It doesn't mean i don't want to ( I won't based on the previous statements. He literally told me he had no time to see me while he was home. And i should have been the one person he had the most time for). It doesn't mean I don't, despite everything, want to write him letters that will sustain him. like a life source. Because the part of me that won't do any of those things is met with the other part of me that desires to. I know things. I can't explain them but i do. And despite everything i still on some absurd level want to offer comfort to a boy who has not shown me an ounce of kindness this past year. I'll never be able to explain why.
Of course I will fight the urge to send him anything. Also, per my moms suggestion, should anything come in the mail from Sean it will be returned to sender. No explanation needed. I have to cut things off now or continued to be dragged in the mug.
But it has been a fight to distance this boy from my thoughts. If my facade is placid and stoic I am handling this 'breakup' inwardly like a girl losing her goddamn mind:. I've sobbed in various corners in public. I have avoided contact with people who aren't my close personal friends. I have moments of Beyonce confidence followed only by Fiona Apple angst. I bought new shoes, do i have the money for them, no, do i feel better having them, yes. yes. I do. I've created 2 breakup playlists which i have played repeatedly and then cried to. I haven't worn pants in days (skirts are easier to drag myself into) and yet i have worn some bum ass hoodies to emphasize that clearly i cannot properly dress myself. I called my cat my best friend yesterday, followed by a hug he had to escape from due to the crying. I call my mom constantly to vent and fake sob. Pizza is my new best friend. along with sweat pants and netflix. I eat pizza, in sweat pants watching netflix. I constantly find myself lying in the fetal position praying that i can not be a person just for a little while longer. Because being a person is fucking hard. I'd rather be a lump in my bed under covers trying to come to terms with the mess he has made than a person who has to pretend she's okay.
Because i am a HOT FUCKING MESS. As with most things i feel every emotion on a large scale. And this, well this is a whole new territory.
Monday, June 09, 2014
Survivor Girl
Despite warnings from damn near everyone....I wanted to see Sean during his time home for leave. It's something i had to do. It's something that after four years needed to be done.
I don't think i will ever be able to explain what attracted me to this boy. I was interested in him from the beginning, i'm not going to lie. But then Marie died and it was like i sought something in him that i wasn't getting from anyone else. I wanted to distance myself from the girl i was when Marie was alive. And being around Sean made me feel different.
I won't ever be able to explain it any other way. I hate to even use Marie as an excuse. Because i may have ended up here anyway. But after she died, I desired to be new. And being around Sean I was able to wear new versions of myself every day because he didn't give a shit.
But then the feels happened. And my grief subsided and i wanted more from Sean. more than surface level interactions. I wanted to be whole again with him. But he just wasn't available/receptive enough for any of that. What he wanted and what i needed never matched up on all sorts of levels.
The only thing i'll regret about my relationship with Sean is not ending it after the fiasco that was last summer. even if he was lying. even if he was scared. even if he didn't mean too hurt me the bottom line is that he did and so easily to save himself.
The way he acted and reacted never matched up with his words or promises to do better. He'd say i'm sorry as if they were points to earn in a game. And instead of seeing that as a way out I held on tightly because i thought he would change. I needed him too. I wanted on some primitive level to fit in.
It's hard to explain without getting uber teary. So instead i'll use an antidote/memory to stave my tears:
When i was in the fourth grade our class raised baby chickens. We received eggs and incubated them and watched as they hatched into little baby chickies. We were all so fucking excited with their growth and development. We made bets on which egg would hatch first and I remember the day we spent hours deciding on names.
By the time the chicks hatched a few of us signed up to take them home for the weekend to take care of. Of course some of the chicks died before any of us had the chance but the one i named lived the longest and the week leading up to his stay at my house i made a little fort in my room for him to live. I wanted to be the best surrogate parent for the chick. I wanted to make sure he was the most comfortable in my house. I read up on how to take care of him. I readied myself for the feeding time. I even gave my own pet cockatiel Birdy (cause i'm dope with names) the responsibility of being our temporary housemate new best friend.
I was prepared.
But a couple of days before I was to have my turn taking care of the chick he died at one of my classmates house. Like that my plans and desire and hopes to be the best caretaker ever were taken away and when i got home i had to take down the fort i built for him. I had to resign myself to the loss.
I often feel like this fourth grade version of myself. That things don't have a place for me.That my strong desires to have a 'home' always teeter on the brink of collapse. That nothing does nor will belong to me. That i don't know how to keep things. I can't make things stay. I can't make people stay. That whatever home i have built is not suitable for occupancy.
And i must admit when it was good, I felt like i had a companion in Sean. I liked fitting in with him. I liked that he felt like mine, temporarily of course.
But of course that was not the case. The last few months especially have proved that. There is a quote that says something along the lines of 'indecision is a decision' and my inability to get a straight answer out of Sean, about anything, should have sparked some insight into the course of our relationship.But love or affection or whatever is what i felt for him was a blinder.
At the beginning of May, after the surprise engagement, i decided i was out. It wasn't easy being in love with a boy who had a girlfriend, i definitely couldn't contend with him now being engaged. So contact was shut off. Simple as that.
But then his dad called and asked if i'd talked to Sean because he hadn't heard from him and that he last heard was that Sean was coming home at the end of May. Which i sort of knew because it was the last thing he said to me after "hey i'm engaged because my girl has a tumor behind her eye'. So after speaking to his dad i messaged Sean to ask when he was coming home. This was exactly two weeks ago. The motherfucker said 'i'll be home Wednesday'.
I suspect that he was never going to tell me he was even coming home had i not asked. He had no intention of seeing me or talking about things because 'indecision is a decision'.
And turns out is Sean is at least consistent in one thing...letting me down. Though at this point i only expect so little from him. I have only seen him twice since he's been home. He flies out tomorrow for a 9 month deployment. He hasn't even called to say goodbye. Our Sunday meet up was a hot mess, We argued for two hours in a car. He said he wasn't going to change for me of all people and that I am the problem. I think too much. I am annoying. I talk too much. Why should i feel entitled to him staying in contact. I need to grow up. Then he asked if I wanted to see him in his uniform.
Motherfucker is crazy.
Wednesday we agreed to hang out and it went by smoothly only because i was complacent. Sean likes getting a reaction out of me. So on Wednesday i was the most charming girl in the whole entire world. I was reaction-less. I put on my happy person face. I laughed at all his jokes. I didn't disagree with him. I was a puppy and he lapped it up. When we got to my house he said that i would have to be the one who put in the effort. That he was really busy the rest of the week but that he would try to squeeze in time for me ONLY if i initiated first. I smiled and told him i would. I would call him and I could see him before he left.
I then climbed the stairs to my house. Waved goodbye. And blocked all communication from him. I've put in more than my fair share. I shouldn't have to accept the bare essentials. I am not the one who needs to put in a fucking effort.
But before you cheer me on and tell me 'you go Beckett' i'm so proud of you' "Sean aint shit you deserve better'....you should know that i am hurt by Sean. By this situation. By my own desires. I am crushed. I won't go as far as heartbroken but my heart has been chipped. I do not feel like a champion in this. I do not feel like the better person. Instead I feel wounded. I feel unwanted. not good enough. I'm not going to lie and say that i didn't hope and pray and cry that Sean would call me these last few days. I wanted to be important and the only reason it has been so hard to ignore him these last few days is because he's made no effort to contact me.
It feels like he has washed his hands of me. I didn't fit the mold, so i was expelled. This part of me will, for now, never feel like he was the one who missed out. For now, i will feel like the reject. Sean was my chickie. He was someone i was willing to build a fort for. I just wanted to take him home and care for him and be loved by him. And right now what I am feeling is the process of cleaning up what i had built for him. It is more solemn than celebratory. My heart went into battle for a war not worth fighting. I am sad. And i am embarrassed that i continue to feel this way even after every thing.
I wish i could love things that were softer. I do not know why i am drawn to sharp things.
I don't think i will ever be able to explain what attracted me to this boy. I was interested in him from the beginning, i'm not going to lie. But then Marie died and it was like i sought something in him that i wasn't getting from anyone else. I wanted to distance myself from the girl i was when Marie was alive. And being around Sean made me feel different.
I won't ever be able to explain it any other way. I hate to even use Marie as an excuse. Because i may have ended up here anyway. But after she died, I desired to be new. And being around Sean I was able to wear new versions of myself every day because he didn't give a shit.
But then the feels happened. And my grief subsided and i wanted more from Sean. more than surface level interactions. I wanted to be whole again with him. But he just wasn't available/receptive enough for any of that. What he wanted and what i needed never matched up on all sorts of levels.
The only thing i'll regret about my relationship with Sean is not ending it after the fiasco that was last summer. even if he was lying. even if he was scared. even if he didn't mean too hurt me the bottom line is that he did and so easily to save himself.
The way he acted and reacted never matched up with his words or promises to do better. He'd say i'm sorry as if they were points to earn in a game. And instead of seeing that as a way out I held on tightly because i thought he would change. I needed him too. I wanted on some primitive level to fit in.
It's hard to explain without getting uber teary. So instead i'll use an antidote/memory to stave my tears:
When i was in the fourth grade our class raised baby chickens. We received eggs and incubated them and watched as they hatched into little baby chickies. We were all so fucking excited with their growth and development. We made bets on which egg would hatch first and I remember the day we spent hours deciding on names.
By the time the chicks hatched a few of us signed up to take them home for the weekend to take care of. Of course some of the chicks died before any of us had the chance but the one i named lived the longest and the week leading up to his stay at my house i made a little fort in my room for him to live. I wanted to be the best surrogate parent for the chick. I wanted to make sure he was the most comfortable in my house. I read up on how to take care of him. I readied myself for the feeding time. I even gave my own pet cockatiel Birdy (cause i'm dope with names) the responsibility of being our temporary housemate new best friend.
I was prepared.
But a couple of days before I was to have my turn taking care of the chick he died at one of my classmates house. Like that my plans and desire and hopes to be the best caretaker ever were taken away and when i got home i had to take down the fort i built for him. I had to resign myself to the loss.
I often feel like this fourth grade version of myself. That things don't have a place for me.That my strong desires to have a 'home' always teeter on the brink of collapse. That nothing does nor will belong to me. That i don't know how to keep things. I can't make things stay. I can't make people stay. That whatever home i have built is not suitable for occupancy.
And i must admit when it was good, I felt like i had a companion in Sean. I liked fitting in with him. I liked that he felt like mine, temporarily of course.
But of course that was not the case. The last few months especially have proved that. There is a quote that says something along the lines of 'indecision is a decision' and my inability to get a straight answer out of Sean, about anything, should have sparked some insight into the course of our relationship.But love or affection or whatever is what i felt for him was a blinder.
At the beginning of May, after the surprise engagement, i decided i was out. It wasn't easy being in love with a boy who had a girlfriend, i definitely couldn't contend with him now being engaged. So contact was shut off. Simple as that.
But then his dad called and asked if i'd talked to Sean because he hadn't heard from him and that he last heard was that Sean was coming home at the end of May. Which i sort of knew because it was the last thing he said to me after "hey i'm engaged because my girl has a tumor behind her eye'. So after speaking to his dad i messaged Sean to ask when he was coming home. This was exactly two weeks ago. The motherfucker said 'i'll be home Wednesday'.
I suspect that he was never going to tell me he was even coming home had i not asked. He had no intention of seeing me or talking about things because 'indecision is a decision'.
And turns out is Sean is at least consistent in one thing...letting me down. Though at this point i only expect so little from him. I have only seen him twice since he's been home. He flies out tomorrow for a 9 month deployment. He hasn't even called to say goodbye. Our Sunday meet up was a hot mess, We argued for two hours in a car. He said he wasn't going to change for me of all people and that I am the problem. I think too much. I am annoying. I talk too much. Why should i feel entitled to him staying in contact. I need to grow up. Then he asked if I wanted to see him in his uniform.
Motherfucker is crazy.
Wednesday we agreed to hang out and it went by smoothly only because i was complacent. Sean likes getting a reaction out of me. So on Wednesday i was the most charming girl in the whole entire world. I was reaction-less. I put on my happy person face. I laughed at all his jokes. I didn't disagree with him. I was a puppy and he lapped it up. When we got to my house he said that i would have to be the one who put in the effort. That he was really busy the rest of the week but that he would try to squeeze in time for me ONLY if i initiated first. I smiled and told him i would. I would call him and I could see him before he left.
I then climbed the stairs to my house. Waved goodbye. And blocked all communication from him. I've put in more than my fair share. I shouldn't have to accept the bare essentials. I am not the one who needs to put in a fucking effort.
But before you cheer me on and tell me 'you go Beckett' i'm so proud of you' "Sean aint shit you deserve better'....you should know that i am hurt by Sean. By this situation. By my own desires. I am crushed. I won't go as far as heartbroken but my heart has been chipped. I do not feel like a champion in this. I do not feel like the better person. Instead I feel wounded. I feel unwanted. not good enough. I'm not going to lie and say that i didn't hope and pray and cry that Sean would call me these last few days. I wanted to be important and the only reason it has been so hard to ignore him these last few days is because he's made no effort to contact me.
It feels like he has washed his hands of me. I didn't fit the mold, so i was expelled. This part of me will, for now, never feel like he was the one who missed out. For now, i will feel like the reject. Sean was my chickie. He was someone i was willing to build a fort for. I just wanted to take him home and care for him and be loved by him. And right now what I am feeling is the process of cleaning up what i had built for him. It is more solemn than celebratory. My heart went into battle for a war not worth fighting. I am sad. And i am embarrassed that i continue to feel this way even after every thing.
I wish i could love things that were softer. I do not know why i am drawn to sharp things.
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