Bittersweet Symphony

Going home is less than 4 hours. I have one more exam to take(which i shoule being to study for now) and then i am done.

It's a little bittersweet, leaving this dorm, this year, but i'm kind of ready for it to end so i can move on the greater and better things.

Unsuccessfully tried to avoid Kathering again the other day. So called me on the phone while i was walking down the street, i looked at who was calling, may have made a face, and then put the phone back in my bag. Only to hear my name being called from 5 ft away, as Katherine is sitting down and talking to some dude.

I made quick conversation and the went back to my room. It's funny when i wanted to see her i could never get in touch with her, and now i don't want to see her and i keep running into her. Fate is trying to tell me something i guess.

She later on she me a text message asking if she had done something to offend me because i seem to want nothing to do with her.

So maybe she's a horrible person, but she has mom radar like every other mother. I wrote back that i was just busy.

She then wrote back that she thought we were good enough friends that we would at least get to hang out before i headed home. I didn't want to remind her that she bailed on me Monday, and have decided to just delete the text. So it's a little avoidant but whatever, i just want to be down with her.

This year has had it's highs and it's very lows, but i'm just glad that i didn't give up. While taking my psych test yesterday there as a question about coping. And i realize is that is what i have been doing this year. Sure there have been times when i wanted to throw in the towel, and times that i have cried, but i have coped with it all. I have at least learned how to cope if nothing else this year.

So goodbye room, Artboy(who once again is MIA), bugs, Test i did or did not study for, bald GA's, nice GA's, Hot british professor, desk where i write all these blogs, air conditioner that doesn't work, and many more little things that i coped with this year.

Home is where i am headed, i need a break. Even if it is a short one. I still have summer school to look forward to.

Until i return(Due to my few days of rest i may take)

Beckett A. Hughes

College Ripoff.

I read in Forbe's magazine(don't ask why i like reading Forbe's) that if we actually invested all the money we spent just going to college we would be loaded by the time we would have graduated.

Case in point. Selling back books.
I was reading collegehumor(don't ask why i was reading college humor) in the bookstore and they had a funny selection about the whole book selling back process

You spend $125.00 on a book you will never read.

You sell it back for a whopping $10.00

Then bookstore slaps a used book tag on it, and then sells it next year for $60.00

!!!!

I have sold back a majority of my books that cost me(meaning my mom) at least $400.00.

Guess what i got back....

$15.00!!!!!!!

It was later spent on food.

Time to study for History.

Exam Day 1

Mother F*cker.

Today was my English exam. He doesn't even call it an exam, he calls it the "third hour" test as if that will lessen the blow on how important test are in general.

It wasn't that it was hard, but before I could even finish the first paragraph of the essay question I had decided to pick, I changed it. I don't know I was staring at what I had written, totally thought it made no sense, spent the next 5 minutes erasing what I had written while the weird GA loomed over me and then picked a new essay topic.

The first essay topic I pick was about narrative voice and the importance of it in relation to the characters lives. It's weird that I changed it because I had a clear understanding of narrative voice concerning the three books we read. But I just didn't like it. I felt confused. I drew a huge blank as I stared at the paper.

So I changed it, to comparing the characters of The Philadelphia Story, Native Son, and Things fall apart. I concentrated on the fact that the three works were similar because they showed the extreme distance of the two worlds Bigger Thomas is suspended from. You have the world of Mary Dalton and Tracy Lord who lives are about class structure, and about the eliteness that Bigger will never be a part of. And then you have Things Fall Apart, native and primitive but whose main character commits the ultimate act because the world he once knew literally falls apart before him with the invasion of Christian Missionaries. I then went to talk about how Bigger is suspended between those two worlds in a NO MAN'S LAND. A land where the mere thought of him being caught in Mary's room in an uncompromising position leads him to commit violence and the connection to the world of Okonkwo whose invasion of "Mary's "world destroys him.That that was the Fear-Flight-and Fate which sealed his life and death.

I felt okay with it. I mean there was no going back as I got past page 2. and my GA is pretty good with grading. But the last of anything is always nerve racking, cause all you can do is look back and think about what you could have-should have done. Hopefully I at least pulled in a 90. I don't even care if it is a borderline A.

Time to study Psych. I rarely study for these(meaning all Psych related material)exams, but I figure I minus well make an effort seeing that it is the last one.

*Postscript: The perks about having a single dorm is that two separate beds become one giant one. The downside is being forced by university housing to place the room in the same way it was found in. Which means beds must come apart. I just spent the last hour pushing two heavy beds to opposites sides of the room, leading to a massive backache. And there are all these quarters on the floor that i cannot pick up without screaming in pain. DAMN.

My Dorm is on Fire?!

Studying has actually been kind of fun. I have spent more time outside my dorm looking productive than this whole year combined. Yesterday I didn't get back till 6pm, walking around campus, studying, looking at magazines, seeing old faces.

Today was pretty much the same, minus a small ove-sleeping setback. I didn't get up until 10am, ran over to the coffee place, bought my favorite cookie, and studied for the next 3 hours.

My mom called mid study and I stepped outside to talk to her. Of course as I turned around whose face did I see coming down the street. Oh yeah....Katherine.

So we haven't spoken since last Tuesday. She's sent some text messages, which have gone unanswered, I have deleted all her messages, and have even tempted myself to delete her phone number, the ultimate "it's over" move. She has corrupted another young girl to be her butt monkey, you might remember her; PLAIN J. She went with us on the trip but had just a "blah" personality it was hard to remember her. Of course she is great at chemistry, and guess who is taking chemistry this summer and sucks horribly at it. You guessed right, Katherine.

So I'm talking on the phone and I wave at her as I continue my conversation. She was waiting for me as if I was just going to hang up the phone, but I continued talking and when I was done I said hello. It was very awkward. She seemed pretty shocked to see me there, as if all I do is hide in this room. She kept saying that I looked really nice and that she was pleased to see that I was outside. She asked me if I was with anyone, and then apologized for not picking me up on Monday to take me swimming(she offered to take me swimming and then bailed).

I had pretty much come to the realization that she is a horrible person, so I made slight conversation seeming a little distracted and then mentioned that I had to go study. She sat downstairs with me, I guess expecting that i would talk with her, but I put on my headphones and went back to studying the Korean War.

Soon after Plain J came.

Now Plain J use to be a nice little hippie. But the other day I saw her walking down the street and she totally ignored me as if I had done something wrong. I was taken aback and a little upset about it. She did the same thing to me today, snuffing me and coldly walking upstairs as if I had done something major. I assume Katherine has made me to look like the villain concerning the whole trip ordeal. And once again it's the "she said, she said" thing. If you only get one side of the story you basically have to believe in the credibility of the person telling you the events. Of course my side of the story was more traumatizing, but I'm not there friends so they are going to believe her.

I feel I dealt with the situation as best as I could. I'm not as upset as I usually would have been. I don't know, yesterday I had this grand epiphany while sitting in my favorite corner for the last time this semester. It's an epiphany I have been skating around with but something I want to actually start applying to my life.

I'm so sick of being ashamed of who I am. I'm so sick of having all these people around me tell me who I am, or try to make me someone that I am not. I've been killing myself for years. I have been denying myself happiness for years. And for what? For whom?

I can't put it into words. But when I can I'll be sure to post it here. It was like realizing that I want to be okay with how I am. That I want to stop hurting myself emotionally by denying my own existence and self worth.

So I left the coffee shop soon after, though Katherine wanted to know how long I would be there so we could talk or whatever. And I walked around the campus again and I inserted myself into the world. Because that's what I need right now. Not for someone to remind me how beautiful it is to be alive and apart of the world, but for me to find solace in that.For me to find solace in who I am, even if that means ditching the bad seeds that come along the way.

Of course after this great "you totally snubbed her" high I was on, I came back to a dorm that was on fire. Oh it wasn't a huge fire. Someone decided to throw a cigarette out the window, which happened to land on a leaf or something, which started a small fire. Everyone was just standing around looking at the thing, and one person decided to get a long branch and poke it. Mid poke I decided to go back to the bookstore, where the noise of the fire truck roared past.

Could you imagine, a couple of weeks before demolition day and the dorm burns down. At least wait until we are gone.

Back to studying, minus a hour hiatus to watch America's Next Top Model.

In Limbo

When i get in one of my moods Radiohead is on complete rotation.

Today was officially the last day of class. Had to go to boring History discussion and then had an hour to spare so i hopped over to the Art Building to pick up the DVD for the movie i worked on....They were out. Then i headed to English tried to keep my eyes open, head outside to only bump into Mike who is happy that he finally has found something he is good at...CHEMISTRY.

I don't know why i became a little envious in that moment. I guess it's cause i wish i had something i was good at. I seem to like and want to do a lot of things, but when it actually comes to being good at something, i feel like i am falling flat.

I wish i could say i really LOVE this or i really am good at THAT. When in all honesty i dabble in a little bit of everything without really finding something i am good at.

This takes me back to when i was a kid, Morgan would bring home a new instrument every week from school. I mean seriously the teachers wanted him to play anything that every week he would come home with a flute or a saxophone, a clarinet and a trombone. Of course because Morgan may have severe ADD he would bring them home where they would remain under the couch until he had to bring them back on Friday. Until friday though i would wait til everyone was out of the house and play with the instruments. He brought like 5 of them home and everyone i played with, my favorite was probably the flute.

The point is that at present moment that is what i feel like. I am trying to find something i'm good at and go someplace from there. I thought i would have it figured out by now.

(Picture of my very wet pants and shoes after i tried unsuccessfully to jump over a puddle). I feel like i need to get away, i feel like mind needs to be cleared of all the puzzles that are filling it at the present moment. I just need to go someplace where no one knows me, no one's knows about the life i am leading now. I can just go and start from a blank slate. I figure that blank slate wil give me time to really figure out what i am good at.

To really find my passion. Cause thats what i'm lacking.

Drunk guy in english made us all proud when he said a very hilarious comment from the back row. I could see the faces of all the other people in our discussion class do the "he's always like that" smile. I shall miss him, along with Josh(aka the messiah). He is going on the exchange program next semester(he's been talking about it in our discussion class) which means his face will be greatly missed next year. Time to study. Exams for me on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Then i am home until Tuesday when the Family and I will be going to grandma's house .

For some reason writing that sentence reminded me of an Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen straight to video movies. My cousin and Aunt, and little baby boggs are coming too. 5 days in a house full of relatives, that should be fun. And by fun, i mean i will spend those days having to take pictures of my brother and cousin do their "model" faces, while my mother and aunt discuss the latest family gossip, and my grandmother shuffle with a cane that she uses to intimate people on the street. Seriously.

Drawing Blanks

Another useless day. My mom came and picked up most of my things. The room is looking very bare, which is freaking me out.

When I took art in elementary school, my weird teacher would always say "draw a picture, but it has to cover the whole paper, I don't want to see any white on the paper." This was then followed by her walking around the classroom checking out our "art" and pointing out where we could fill the paper in with more color.

I guess ever since then I fear a blank canvas. Somewhere I know she is still teaching and yelling to fill the whole sheet of paper with color to some scared children.

Things are quiet here. I kind of hate that feeling. I escape into this room to get away from the noise, and now there is no noise to escape. Everyone is preparing to leave and go back home. I'm kind of stressed about going home. Today I stupidly went to Princeton Review.com and once again was reminded of how much I don't know about what I plan to do with the future if plan A doesn't work out.

It's just been one of those days. Like I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm hungry but I don't really want to eat. I want to walk outside but I just want to hide. Maybe it's just Spring. I've always been a fan of Fall. Cold. Leaves Changing. Falling. The spring is so Springy. I was so much happier yesterday when it was raining. I think I should consider moving to Washington. Doesn't it always rain there.?


I have two classes tomorrow and then the rest of the week to "study". But without any life in this room its beginning to drive me crazy and I may have to study in the bookstore.

And as I was walking to get my mother and brother( and my brothers new puppy dog friend who my mom says we have inadvertently adopted from around the corner) so they could help me bring some of my stuff down I encountered Naked Boy Cheeks(and tube socks). He emerged from a room near the exit exposing his naked cheeks as I quickly averted my eyes, and headed downstairs. While I was passing naked boy cheeks he seemed to have no shyness and continued to remain in the hallway looking at me as if I was the undressed one.

Luckily when my mother, brother, and Puppy dog came upstairs Naked Boy had escaped back to whatever Naked Cave he came from and has yet to be seen.

More pics from around the campus above. Yesterday while I was snapping the flower pics another pimpish guy came strutting my way. Clearly I have potential call girl written all over me. Young, innocent, and fresh faced. I tried to avoid turning back to see him when he approached me in mid shoot.

pimpish Guy: Hey how you doing

Me: ??????

Pimpish Guy: Do you want a new friend

Me: I have plenty of friends thank you.

Pimpish: You don't like meeting new people

Me: I've heard that a lot actually. No I just am trying to take pictures...Alone....

Pimpish: Oh come on. Whats on your mind friend.

[now grant it if he wasn't so pimpish and disheveled looking the mere fact that he asked me what was on my mind may have drawn me in. I like when guys ask me what I am thinking]

Me: At the present moment picture taking.

Pimpish: Do you have a name, and a phone number

Me: My name is Beckett, but I don't...Have...Phones...Are tricky, phones...I don't have one...Number.(embarassing)

Pimpish: Well Beckett(stressing my name as if somehow I said my own name wrong), I'm Collin. Nice to meet you

Me: Same here, sorry I couldn't give you my phone number but thanks for asking.(what a dork and i'm not talking about the pimpish guy)

And the pimp dude walks away looking for a new fresh face to hit on.

The things I have to put up with to take a couple of pictures in the rain.

Brave New Girl

I wonder if I can minor in Photography.

Choosing my minor has been more nerve racking then deciding what major to drop or stick with. My minor choices are: Spanish, Psychology(I get to skip all the bull classes and get to the good stuff), Medical Humanities(which Kay is minoring in which frightens me away) or maybe something in the arts. I figure I spend so much time talking about the lack of balance that I have that I minus while minor in something that will give me a good balance.

My mom is kind of impressed by my photography. Which is weird because any mention of the arts from her is like "are you saying you don't want to be a doctor". Yeah. But she called me today and told me she hung up several of my pics from the big apple, and that if I take any more pics she will dedicate a whole wall to my photos. WHOA. That's huge.

After the small weather problem I decided to venture out despite the drizzle. Though I hate that I am at this school I managed to find beauty in it. Which isn't that hard because it's actually kind of pretty.

I found a lot of solace in walking around and snapping pictures today. And other than getting hissed at my a demon possessed squirrel, it was pretty peaceful. Me, My not so high tech digital camera, and a whole lot of walking. The first picture is near the art building. It's my favorite building on this whole campus. Though there were more people there are 9am than I expected. I felt like I was infiltrating a hidden safe or something. Guy walking down the hall must have smelt the bio major on me, as I held my camera close.

I was actually pretty happy that it was a rainy day. Though I am a natural introvert, rainy days are the only days I seem to want to venture. When I was younger and we lived in an apartment, I would look out from my window down at the streets which were of course filled with the falling rain. My mom would come in my room, grab me and my brother and we would run down the street, just to the corner and be covered in the stuff. I guess that's why I find it so peaceful, while everyone else seems to want to stay inside and hide from it, I want to run...run....run
I never realized how green the campus was, until two hours later(yes it took me that long) when I was sitting down flipping through the pics. Lying in bed last night(this also has to do with greenness) I made a decision that I really want to go to England for study abroad next Spring. Marie has tried to talk me out of it, saying that it will put me behind. But I am able to take 15 credits abroad and also able to take summer classes. I've been listening to a certain sound off of the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack(don't worry I still think the book is a wasteful pile of..."I hate him" "I love her" "Do I love him" "She hates me" "I LOVE HIM" "I LOVE HER",but the movie was pretty entertaining and England looked so beautiful).

Going away those 5 days and kind of being on my own, but still managing to survive and talk to people and not get lost, or frightened or worried, has given me a new sense of my possibilities. I think the hardest thing for me is that I fear my mother will take my want to go off and travel as a way of distancing myself away from her. But today she also said she was very surprised by my Street Smarts, and that she won't worry about me if I decide to go away to a another country for a semester.

I guess I doubt myself so much, I forget that I have the capabilities to conquer a brave new world.

So last night I told her of my plans. That I am seriously going to look into going out of the country either with Marie or/and for study abroad opportunities. I feel like whatever chapter I am in regarding my life is ending. Sure it's only the prelude that is coming to a close, but it's nice to know that I'm making strides to have a story to tell. To lead this life that I can look back fondly on. To write and capture images of times in my life that will always be apart of me.

With the end of the school year and the end of some friendships and maybe even some crushes. I correct that last statement, definitely an end to S.African Crush(Art boy is still up there), he's searching for a mother figure and I unfortunately I have come to the realization that I may be looking for a father figure, we would just collide and not in the melodic Howie Day "Collide" way.

Maybe the end is really just a beginning. Maybe our experience are all just preludes. Cause preludes set you up for the amazing story that has yet to be read. Mine has yet to be written, well sort of, but I'm glad that I am starting to take narrative of my own story. Sure it's sometimes fuzzy, and I misread a lot of things(I misread people genuinely), but I misread people because misread myself (I learned this all from English he should totally give me an A). I'm stronger than I thought, minus by setbacks from time to time, and now I am ready to...I don't know see how much more I can do. If I can get past the awkward shyness...yeah that's not going to happen, but I think I can work with it.

*Anyway* If anyone can tell me what happened in the last 12 hours of my life I would greatly appreciate it. I managed to get up at 9, do something or another, and now it is almost 9 o'clock at night. Nothing has been accomplished, my room still is a mess, I think there may have been a SIM here or there and I have an essay due Monday that I haven't even started.

Procrastination follows me until the last week of school. Damn

A Day in the Life....Sorta

This was going to be a early morning picture post. I was planning to take pictures of my campus and my hidden places where i stay. Unfortunately the sky got dark. Rain came pouring down. And i think the Thunder said "Hell No" as i wondered if it was still possible to take pictures despite the rain.

I'm going to try now before it starts raining again.

I'M DONE...

well sort of. Today I had my Spanish oral final, and my last discussion class for English. I passed the oral portion, though she talked mainly in English about her stay in Westchester, NY and how bizarre it was.

Then I had discussion class. She talked, we half dozed off or listened to the crazy drunk guy in the back of the class. Seriously he has been drunk every Friday since this semester started. Today he said "I once fell coming up the stairs, and the woke up 5 hours later on the bottom". I'll miss him.

The semester has wrapped up pretty nicely. It's bizarre because it has kind of come full circle. From beginning this journal before school starting, my fight for this room, my fights with Mike, to now the end of the school year, a permanent document of my college days on this journal, and now fights with Kay. I don't know if I have evolved this year, but I sure do feel like I've learned some valuable lessons.

My final exams don't start till Thursday and I only have three of them. English,psychology, and History. I(as far as my mother knows) have started "packing" my stuff,because she is coming on Sunday to pick up the majority of my things. Record Player, Vinyls, Clothes, Books. I'll clean my room first and then take pics of the place I have been staying in for this year.

It's kind of bittersweet that the year has ended. And just as the grades will be rolling in on how I performed in my classes this semester, I also must grade myself on how I performed here at school

Course in Meeting new people 101: A; I did do a lot of talking to people in my classes, sure it was normal small chit chat, but I usually just ignore people

How to spot them and Leave Em' 240: D+; I'm not doing a good job on choosing the right people to hang out with.

Leaving Comfort Zone 354; I give myself a B+, I forced myself out of this room, of course only to venture to places like the bookstore and coffee shop.

Boys 101; D- I failed this class last year, and repeated it this semester with only slightly higher results. Though I made no moves toward the boys I crushed on(does eye contact count) I did at least A ) go to movie club B) talk to S.African Boy C) managed not to completely embarrass myself.

Getting closer to being content with self 102; B+. Yeah I've bumps along the way, but I feel like with every bump I'm a little stronger.

Maybe I did underestimate this year. It was crazy, and drama filled, and I think I cried a lot. But I had a job, and I made a movie, and basically survived in a city all by myself for almost a week. That's got to be worth something. I managed to go to movie club, and talk to people in my class, I wasn't completely and utterly alone. I survived my sophomore year. And can look forward to Summer School and Organic Chemistry.

Time to pack. I'm going to miss this dorm. So sad it's being torn down.

Life as a Stray

I once wrote that I thought of myself as a stray cat. I of course realized this while watching the GREATEST SHOW EVER, and was relieved that even if it was a character on some cancelled show saying she was like a stray cat, it was better than going through life feeling like...Misunderstood.

The things is, is that I've always taken in strays. When I told my mom about S.African Boy, and his "issues", she began laughing. Of course not at his him, but at my predictable rescue 911 approach . I was the kid who protested over the killing of bugs in the classroom, though I hate bugs. And I have made my mom pull over on the side of the road so many times to pick up strays we could have opened our own orphanage for dogs and cats.

I don't even think it's about me wanting to save those things. But it's me realizing that there have been more bad times than good where I have felt lost and misplaced, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I assume that saving "it" will some how save a little piece of me.That I will realize me own humanity in the thing in which I spent the time trying to heal.

So is the case of S.African boy; who while watching Pride and Prejudice and my new found crush on the actor who played Mr.Darcy(Matthew Macfadyen) was reminded of how misunderstood he really is. All I know is that he has a bad home life. His step-dad treats him like crap, and he said sometimes he gets so close to the point of anger that he doesn't know what to do. That he has no one to go to, that he feels like he can't relate to anyone, and for christ sakes he extended his hand and said that he didn't need much from Kay(of all the people) that he just needed someone to talk to.

I felt absolutely horrible. I felt like I knew where he was coming from, that I know how hard it is to suppress the thing that seems to haunt you. When I was younger we stayed with my grandmother in the big yellow house that I showed a while ago in a post. For the most part it was idyllic and I think back on those memories fondly, but what I never mentioned is that during that time I lived with an evil evil man while I was there, our step-grandfather. He never did anything to me and my brother or older cousin, but he absolutely despised us. When we walked into a room, he made an effort of reminding us that we weren't welcomed. He sucked his teeth at us ALL the time. If he saw us coming into the house, he would slam the door just to be absolutely rude. At the time we put it in the back of our minds. We never asked questions, we never expected his love, we just knew that we were not welcomed in his life, and it was something we grew accustomed to.

I remember one of the evil cousins came to visit, and he asked her to sing for him. Which was weird because I had been playing the violin for a while and never once had he cared to ask about it. He took her into the dining room, and he closed the doors to block us out from entering. My brother and older cousin didn't care, the just went out and played. But I stayed near the door, and I peeked through a crack and pressed my ear real closely and listened to his praise while she sang some song about who knows what. And I realized how much I wanted to be seem by him, to be acknowledge. To this day I can't stand the noise of someone sucking their teeth, and until now I didn't how much it affected me.

So when S.African boy tells Katherine all of this stuff, who is now telling me, I am filled with immense sadness. Because not until that moment did I realize how close we were, but how miles apart those similarities will distance us. I told her to tell him if he ever needed someone to just talk to that I'm a phone call away because I am a really good listener.

BUT...

At this point I'm not in the position to take care of a boy with issues. For the majority of my life I have been dealing with Boys with Issues. I have been affected by those men with Issues. I have been left broken by them, I am left searching for what ever it was that was destroyed along the way. And though I want to do more extend my hand to S.African boy, I want to tell him that's it's going to be okay and I want to be that person who he calls at 12 o'clock to be there when he has reached his limit, I want to be strong for him, and tell his stepdad to back off, I know that in this stage in my life I can't do that.

Because I know first hand the struggle for strays, we may never find a home, we just find a way to survive. We just continue to look for things that will accommodate us. We look from a distance and all realize is our inabilty to belong. We are always on the edge, walking tentatively and hoping we won't lose our balance and fall.

And though this semester has been completely void of any real communications with boys that I like. And I still kind of watch from a distance, I only see something horrible arising from getting to drawn into his issues, when I barely comprehend mine. And I want something more for myself, I don't always want to be that girl trying to save the things in others I can barely save in myself. I'm not looking for another stray, I'm not looking to be both bombarded with the struggles that encompass us.

And though I hate Jane Austen, and I hated my English class, I learned a lot from it. I learned about distance and misunderstandings, and that what we want is sometimes what we never knew we needed. And though I want say that I want to help him, and that I want him to know that he isn't alone, I need someone(friend or otherwise) who is stable and strong enough to take care of me when I have bad days.

I need someone to not be as awkward as I am. That has head on straight. Because though it would be nice to try and reach out to someone who understands the terrible extent of bad days, and broken promises, and maybe even broken pieces, I want to be reminded by someone daily that those things can be fixed, that i can be fixed. And I don't want to do the fixing anymore, I don't want to always feel like the stray. I don't want to find solace in taking care of someone when there are so many things about myself that need guidance.

So any Mr. Darcy's out there. Friends, potential crushes;possibly with accents, mentors. Stray is looking for place to belong. Low maintenance, need for quiet time, plays well with others (sometimes), stubborn, but will gradually warm up to you.

I guess what I'm trying is that misery sometimes loves company,but in this case I'll have to pass. I guess what I want is not to stand outside with the strays, peering into the window of what I feel I could never have, but I just want to be invited in by a nurturing caretaker.

Enough emotional memories from my past. I've drained myself out, and have neglected to study for my Spanish interview, and haven't finished reading Things Fall Apart which once again is not a British book.

I'm on a High, I'm On a High, There's nothing more to it...

I passed my Spanish Exit Exam!!!!

This Spanish class is the last Spanish class required unless you want to move up to upperlevel classes. The thing is though, is that you have to pass this Exit Exam that has nothing to do with the things you have learned. There are 4 sections. Listening, Writing, Reading, and the Interview. If you fail any of these portions you have one more chance to take the exam again next week. If you fail it again, you have get a F in the class(even if you have made all A's during the semester) and repeat the class over.

It's very stressful. Even more stressful when your teacher is kind of a ditzy, and you missed a whole week of review while at some stupid medical conference.

But I PASSED. YEAH. Now I don't have to stay an extra 2 days to take the exam on May 1st. And then that movie I was working on last semester is finally done an the director is giving us all free DVD's. I'm also very excited. And then Mike wrote me yesterday. He messes hanging out with me.

And i stayed up really late yesterday to watch Pride and President, and i'm kind of in love with MR. Darcy, played by some really hott British dude with amazing eyes.

I have to read a book for English and practice for my interview tomorrow. I still have to write about S. African boy. After this short( and by short I mean later on tonight) break.

Oh for Pete's Sake....

S. African is emotionally damaged.

I don't see how I pick them, I don't see why these intensely torture souls are drawn to me, or I to them. Who knows how it goes.

Today was a pretty good day. Classes are finishing up, I got an A in genetics. In psychology were talking about personality disorders and I have discovered that I am not Borderline, Anti-social, or show signs of being a Paranoid Schizophrenic, and that the least of my worries may be that I suffer some Avoidant disorder. But once again I am no doctor to suggest that.

After getting out of genetics late, Katherine called about going swimming. If it wasn't for the fact that I a) like swimming and b) wanted my dinero I would have ditched on the whole thing. It's kind of hard to pretend you like someone when all you can think of is socking them in the mouth( I do think she may suffer from narcissistic Disorder though). I got some good swimming in though, but I am directionally challenged under water, which meant I ended up in other people's lane about 60% of the time.

Then Katherine suggested we get pizza. Once she said pizza I was all in, plus I wanted my money, so I had to go. When we got there she talked about her normal drama crap and then mentioned something weird S. African boy did last night. I tell you this in confidence(minus the fact that it is on the web for all to see). So after the AI meeting I ditched to write a 5 paged genetics report, she tells me that S.African boy needed a ride home. So I'm thinking "that slut has made her moves on my boy, or worse he actually likes her." She tells me that they were in the car for 90 minutes. I thinking all kind of things went on, he told her he loved her, that he wants to be with her forever, that they should date. I munched onto my pizza fearing the worst, and preparing myself to hold but the "life sucks" tears.

But that wasn't the case. And he didn't tell her that he was secretly in love with me, and wanted her to get us together. Instead my S.African boy, the most gorgeous light brown, green eyes(perhaps. I can't really remember what his eye color is, I spend more time avoiding his eyes) has been suffering from emotional abuse from his parents. That's not even the worst part.

I feel so awkward talking about someone's hard life, but here goes. Apparently his parents got divorced when he was really young. His mom remarried this asshole of a dude who hates S. African boy. Katherine wouldn't go into it. She just said the step-father is really cruel. Playing mind games, making S.African boy embarrassed in public. Making him feel inept. His real dad has also remarried and is in Africa with his new family. This has just torn him apart. He is basically shipped back and forth and feels like he has no one to turn to. So of course he turns to the worst person in the world. When he found out that she has three kids, he(I guess) assumed she would be the mother figure he was lacking.

She siad the conversation went on for so long. He was like a puppy dog. He told her that he was "low matinence" and that he was not clingly, unless it was by accident. He said that he just needed someone to talk to. That he doesn't know how to connect with people. That he is all alone.

Damn. WHY. WHY. WHY.

It's bad enough that I have my own issues to deal with. It's bad enough that I have the worst luck with people. But what's worse, is that I have always been a person drawn to things that are broken in hopes to fix. When I heard all this horrible things S.African boy is going through, my first instinct was this immense need to want to take care of him. I wish it had been me who confided in.

I told my mom, and of course whose advice was to not get involved. My first reaction is to reach out and tell him he is not alone. I feel it isn't my place. Though I desperately want it to be my place.

I'll write more about it tomorrow. I am just so tired. It's been a long day and I want nothing more to crawl into my safe bed and sleep.

Street Smarts...

I like to thank the academy for giving me the opportunity to be participate in this craft of acting...

(that is a picture of the cheapest thing at the Hilton, 4 dollar cheesecake. As you can see, I took a bite and was disturbed by a) how good it tasted b) how pretty it was)As I mentioned yesterday, the 5 days I was gone was the longest I have ever had to pretend that I liked someone that I really don't. The whole situation would have been better if I felt that in some way I was wrong. But the fact is that I did not do anything, and yet I got yelled out, and then made to feel like it was my fault.

So for the next couple of days, I basically smiled in her face and talk behind her back on the phone with my mom. We stayed at the Hilton Hotel, it wasn't great. I mean it was an amazing hotel if you have like a million dollars to spend. The internet cost 7.50 for 15 minutes and then .50 cents after that. Wireless was 9.50 a day. To use the gym it was 7 dollars, food was even worse. 4.45 for bottled water, 5.50 for half a grape fruit, and going downstairs to eat meant that we would have to spend 16 on chicken and 20 dollars if we wanted something else.

As soon as we got there, I asked the doorman where the nearest mall was, so happened that it was right across the street. Not even a block away from us. Then I asked this homeless gentlemen(he offered to help) where the library was. He said it was only 5 blocks down, and then asked me for money. I said I didn't have any on me, but that I was very grateful that he pointed me in the right direction. So we walked to the library where I explained the situation of our stay and that we both had to register for classes. The lady, who was mean, gave us a temporary.

I was very surprised by how quickly I thought of all of this. I managed to find food, internet solving all of our problems. Katherine seemed all right with this, though she would later claim that WE had the smarts to think all of this out. Later that night though she complained to Crazy Ex husband that she possibly could not survive without money, and that he should wire some to her to Western Union. Because he is gullible he said he would early in the morning. So the next day we spent the whole morning running around this city we have never been in. Amazingly once again, I navigated us pretty well. I wasn't afraid of marching down the street as if I had owned it. I feel safe in bigger cities, I wanted to stay and look around, but Katherine was disgusted with city life. Commenting on every homeless person we walked by, and then hiding in a Starbucks saying that she wouldn't leave it until he wired the money.

I was pretty disgusted with her. She was snotty, rude to everyone, bitchy, and a pain in my ass. When she got the money of course, we never went back to the mall, we stayed in the Hotel for the rest of our stay, because she didn't want to go out in public to face "those people". Though I acted as if nothing was wrong, I made every attempt to get away from her. She wanted coffee I went and got it, and then stayed at the pool for 45minutes, coming back to the room saying that the line was long.

When the conference actually started on Friday I couldn't be around her. She talked so much about how hard her life is, and that she wants to be a doctor for the better good of mankind. She smoothed talk so many people, that they gave her the nickname GUNNER, which of course she relished in. One night, she was pulled in an elevator by some med student. She said nothing happened they just talked, but this was not the last man she would have encounters with where she would say "nothing happened". Sometimes I wonder if she is a mother, she use to say "I don't party or drink" but the whole week down there she went to six parties and stayed out until 5:30 am. The last night she stayed in a hotel room with some doctor "talking". I was ditched during most of these excursions. When she mentioned there was a party it was always "you wouldn't want to go, that's why I didn't ask you"

I had a perfectly good time by myself, I have come to grips with being alone. Most of the people who worked at the Hilton were immigrants, and it's so weird that a profession bent on helping people, totally disregard those who are cleaners or door holders, as second class citizens. I couldn't help think that anyone of these hard working people could be my grandmother or aunt or father. It was appalling that people are treated like that, so I made effort to ask how they were doing, compliment them on something, now that I totally respect there hard work, and that no one should be treated like shit.

I hung out by the pool and the jogging track, I met some people along the way, but then Katherine would begin talking about how she has a 4.0 and yadda yadda yadda and I would make an exit from them all. That's the first thing she says when she meets someone. "I have a 4.0, of course she doesn't explain that she doesn't even have credits to be considered a sophomore, and that she hasn't taken a hard class yet. She's taken the easy classes that require her memorizing(which she says she does) instead of comprehending.

I wish I could explain more, but I don't want to waste anymore entry time talking about her. We drove back from the conference late because she had returned late from the doctors room. I slept most of the way, pretending like I had a cold and that I was getting sick. We made plans to do things, but I just am not going to answer her calls. Though I paid 40 dollars for gas, 20 dollars on pizza, 64 dollars on valet all which she says she will pay back. At this point, I just want to be done with her and her drama, that I don't even care about getting the money back.

I have to separate myself, I have just not communicate with her, I have to stop feeling bad about ditching out on the kids, who I hope have learned something from me, I am going to write S.African boy and tell him that I can no longer be in Amnesty International also , but to keep me informed about any events taking place, and that I will also keep him inform(really just a ploy to keep in contact with him) of new things I find out about.

I don't know why I attract all these bad people in my life, but ditching them is becoming easier and easier along the way. I feel a little liberated. It's empowering.

I of course have to wait until I get my money to ditch her, I just looked at my bank account. YIKES. No wonder Paris Hilton is living the large life, her family is ripping off the rest of us. I know that will look funny, that I quit talking to her after she gave me my money, but at this point I just don't care.

So I have to go swimming with her tomorrow, and then I am through.

Acting Job

For anyone who has ever doubted my acting skills you would be surprised at how good of a job i did faking like i didn't want to punch Katherine in the face. She doesn't even get the pleasure of a shortened name anymore.

This week was the best of times and the worst of times. I am so exhausted and emotionally spent, that i of course cannot write all what happened in one entry.

The gist of it was that an hour into the trip me and Katherine got into an argument at the gas station.

When i planned on going on this trip, i of course knew that i would have to pay for half of gas, and yadda yadda yadda.

Katherine was running late, and instead of leaving at 9 as we had planned we left at 10:30. As soon as i get in the car, Katherine says "So i'm having a little problem with my money, the bank did something and the checks i am suppose to be getting to help my brother out isn't in the bank yet, so do you mind just paying for my expenses until it all sorts out. i only have 90 bucks on me"

Now i don't know if my face was in the "what the hell" pose, but i said that i had no problem with doing that as long as it was things like gas and food. I mean i'm a poor college student, i have money, i don't even have a job, the money i am living off is basically what i got back from a loan.

So we get to the gas station and she's like we should get gas. Now i figure splitting the gas either means we put half of the money in each, or one person pays and the next gas stop the other person pays. So she's looking at me and saying "well i think the car needs 40 dollars of gas in the tank" though the gas is like a little less than half full. Apparently this is where i made the "FACE". She rented like a 96' taurus, it's like the size of my mazda, and she's saying it needs 40 bucks in it. I mean i know gas went up, put a taurus or whatever we have doesn't take that much gas.

So i realize i only have 20 on me, and that i haven't checked my bank account, so i can mentally subtract all the money in my head. So we are just standing around, because i'm like "well i don't have 40 on me" and she's all like "well does that mean you don't want to help me out anymore".

I go pay the gas. And guess what, it fills up with the 20 dollars i assumed. When we get in the car, she has like this sullen face, and says

"i think i'm just going to turn back"

I'm thinking "did she just get hit over the head with a stupid brick", but i ask her why she all of a sudden wants to turn back, we've already driven an hour out of the way, i don't want to go back.

She says that she sees that i am uncomfortable paying for her, and that if i'm not going to pay for her than she doesn't need to go. I'm thinking "what the hell are you going to buy in three days(which is when the bank says they will deposit her money) that will make her spend the 90 dollars she already has." i actually said that to her. I explained that when i go on trips and we don't have enough money we make sacrifices, we eat at Wendy's or Subway. I mean this was actual argument people, she was arguing with the fact that i would not buy her everything that she wanted.

She went on to drone about how she can't go all the way to the conference and not be able to rely on me to pay for gas and food. My mouth was opened. She asked me to help her out, i said yes, but because i don't agree with spending 15 dollars on chicken she's bugged out.

I tell her that she is making a big deal out of nothing. That she will eat, but i'm not going to spend a whole lot of money when we can go to subway or something. She then tells me that she doesn't eat THAT sort of food. That she needs a balanced meal everyday, and that there was a miscommunication when i said i would help her.

I about hit my limit. I'm sitting in a car, offering to help this woman out, and she's flipping because i don't have THAT kind of money. Then she says something like "but we have to pay for valet parking". I'm like we will worry about that when we get there, we are in big city, i am sure there is parking. She worried that we won't be able to leave the hotel without the car, which i then had to remind her that huge cities have buses, and sidewalks, and cabs to take. And that because it is a city, there is a 99.9% chance that a mall, or food shops will be walking distance. I mean we were staying at the Hilton smack in the middle of downtown and yet we aren't going to find a place to eat.

Seriously, she began yelling at me, like i was her child. I kept repeating "it's no big deal, there are things that can accomodate our budget, and if you needed my help, which i am gladly extending, you have to realize that if we have to eat at subway than thats what will do"

Then she does the whole, well i'm going to call "ex-husband" i can't deal with this, i'm just going to drive back, i'll drive you there but i'm only staying til friday and then you have to get a ride back with someone else"

I am pissed. I mean i have no idea what just happened, she has just gotten all "i'm too good for this" mood and then says "well if i would have asked Amy(girl with went on Amnesty trip with) she would have had no problem with it.

Then she goes on "and i wish you would stop saying it's not a big deal,because when people talk about you in the Pre-med club, and i stick up for you, i don't go it's not a big deal, and when you don't go to the meetings(though i am no longer a member so my going to meetings would be stupid) and i have to stick up for you, i don't go it's no big deal, and how the hell do you know anything about how much gas a car needs you don't even DRIVE!!!!"

I almost cried. I picked up my phone, was about to call my brother, so he could calm my nerves, but i decided not to. I pulled out my iPod, but on my headphones, turned the volume up real loud, and drowned as much of her voice out as i could.

Of course she was fucking talking a mile a minute, saying that i wasn't validating her feelings, and that i called her a snob(which i didn't) suggesting that she was setting me up to pay for everything(which i didn't say . I did ask, because she kept saying "what if something comes up and i need more money that i thought." i just wanted to know what that something was. Was there something wrong with the car, did some have some medical problems(other than being crazy), if she would have told me what that something was i could prepare for it. She took this as "you think i'm going to buy clothes or something), and that i was just like Mandy(other pre-med girl who hates Katherine probably for the same reason i now do) and that i, like Mandy, gets mad when i disagree with someone.

I had to hold back so much just to refrain from telling her to "SUCK THE F UP" or punching her in the face. People, it was the most trying thing i've ever had to do. I faced the window and had to literally let every negative thing bounce off of me. I preteneded not to hear anything she said, and when i was ready i calmy approached the subject. Which meant I apologized, while she put the blame all on me.

And then we drove to the conference like BFF's.

I've never been through anything like that, except for the roommate sitaution. For the next days, i acted as if nothing happened. I laughed and giggled, and pretended like she was the coolest person ever, but in the back of my mind, i waited patiently for today, when i could come in my room, unpacked, and plan to NEVER EVER EVER talk to her again. I'm serious. It wasn't even that whole car thing, 80% of it was, but the whole time at the conference she was just this phony, lying, piece of bull crap that only a few could see through. But i'll have to save that for another day.

I'm tired, and i cried as soon as i got back. All those days of faking it, took it's toll.

But guess what, there was a mall next door, which i found.
We never left the hotel, so Valet was not that bad.
I found the library so we could use the internet free.
And i made sure to befriend the man at the door, he knew where everything was.

I can't wait to explain how utterly rude she was to the help at the hotel, when in the next instant she would talk to a med student about her aspirations to go help poor children in AFRICA. When there is poor people from Africa now serving you a small portion of steak which cost 20 dollars.

This week was hell on earth. But no one would be able to tell with my smiling face the whole weekend.

Save me

There's nothing more i can say than that.

Two more days =(

Fuck...

Blogger just deleted the fastest post i have ever typed.

To sum up what i wrote. Worst trip ever.

Kay and i got in a big argument.

I almost smacked her. She doesn't know.

Then i ignored her for 30 minutes, while she said all these nasty things about me.

To get her to shut the hell up, i apologized and am faking nice, even though i hate her.

More later.

I have to keep up this facade, but for the past few hours i have just contemplated coming up with an illness and havig to go home, then sit in her face and pretend like we are all cool.

The perks of being 20

Ever since I turned 20, all I have been hearing is "I wish I could be 20 again."

It's kind of surprising that everyone I have met, that I talk to the most here at school, is 15-20 years older than me.

I think at first I was flattered, I mean they felt they could talk to me, despite all the other smart people in the class.

But now I realize how draining it is. That I just want to be a 20 year old, who doesn't have conversations about people's husbands and kids.

There is a secret journal that I read of a kid(whose 19) who takes pictures. He takes the most amazing pictures of his friends and life. You can see how much fun he has, that he's okay with being young, and partying and things like that.

He is envied because he seems to be doing more with his life than those who flock to that journal. Themed parties, trips to the beach.... I can't even put into words how amazing these photos are(it's effortless), along with this eye for photo he seems to have a thrive of life. A realization that it is okay to just be young.

It's so weird cause I talked about the past a lot. But in all honesty when I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to be an adult. I hate that I do that. I always figure the next year will be better than this one, and then when that year comes I miss that I missed out on the previous. Even I sometimes give myself a headache.

But lately older people's issues have been driving me crazy, and I have the sudden urge to stop being so old in a way. I feel when I'm around Kay, I have to know everything. Clearly she is incompetent and has no idea what she is doing, and looks to me in search for the answer. The lady next to me in history, talks about how she has no time to make mistakes she is 40 years old and has to do what she has to do.

I realize what I am lacking is young people. I'm lacking being goofy, and playing video games, and deciding on the spur of the moment that I want to go to England. I missing out on the ability to do whatever I want. I mean I'm lucky, I have no baggage, except my own which makes the trip very easy.

I think I'm going to plan a trip. I think I want to go somewhere. I think I want to let my hair down(minus all of it the lady chopped off).

I want to be carefree, dramafree, I want to stop expecting things and just let them happy.

I want to hang out with new people who get my irreverent TV trivia. And who can work out with me in the gym for longer than 20 minutes, who cruises at night no where in particular. And maybe a party or two, but simply people without the baggage of having to call home, or leaving early.

Even though all the stressful of this last week has tested my mental strength, and even tonight as I finally make my decisions for what classes I am going to take next semester, in the back of my mind I have this intuition that things will be better next semester. I feel like the things that keep me contained in a bubble is being released, and I'm ready to just float, no where in particular, and luckily there is there no hard ground to bust that feeling at the present moment.

So I'm actually ready, to leave something behind in the face of something greater. About time.

Anyway.

We are leaving tomorrow at 9. What fun, 3 hours in a car with Kay. Yeah. I'll have my iPod though or at least pretend I am sleeping. Lately I have been cheating on Gavin Degraw with John Mayer. I know I'm just a skank but what can I say his mutant face while singing has intrigued me.

While cheating on Gavin Degraw I have also cheated on my usual oatmeal cookies with that creation above. I have been craving it for two days. Apparently they put new ones up everyday. When I went a couple of days ago they were flower cookies, and now a butterfly. I had to take a picture before I ate it.

Time to go to bed. I hope this inspiring uplifting feeling will benefit my dreams, I'm sick of the weird ones.

Clarity

Blogger didn't save my earlier post, so I'll try to skim what I wrote.

Psych is stupid.

I got the run around trying to get someone to give the OK for summer classes near my house.

Was so stressed out by the situation that I made the decision of just taking the needed summer classes here. So in May I'll go home. June I'll come back to take Chem 111 and a math. In July I will go back home and take Bio 102 and Chem 112. I found out that the man who failed me for bio and is the hardest teacher here is teaching during the summer. I rather not push my luck. I couldn't bear it if he failed me again. I'll have 16 credits, and be able to take organic and physics during the year. Yeah I know, its rough, but I'm stressed out and crying to John Mayer songs. What last night was really stressful. I wrote a post during the stressful time, I'll post it later.

In other news, I may have a crush on Jesus.

I don't know if you remember the entry I wrote about the guy in my English class. He is uber smart, and religious, and he kind of made me feel like a sinner. At first I thought he was just cocky. Like "yeah I read the bible and all of you are going to hell" as he floats through the classroom to his seat in the corner.

Recently(well actually soon after that entry) I began to see him in another light. He is deeply introspective, and not at all cocky. Sure he is religious, but it seems to be his own personal relationship with his religion, he isn't shoving it in our faces, like the "you are going to hell" guys on Wednesday.

He is cute. Kind of has that Northwest feel. Shaggy hair, a lot of brown, very earthy. There is something about this air around him, like nothing bad touches him.

Surprisingly this crush on Jesus(whose real name is Josh) is not in that "Art Boy" way. He has a girlfriend first of all, but it's like I admire him. Like he's such an interesting and whole person, that I envy. Mainly because there are many days when I feel unsure, as in yesterday. There are many days, when I want just cry. And I wish I was at a point in my life where I wasn't always so hard on myself. I wish I had his seemingly effortless ability at playing it cool.

Anyway.

I briefly stated there was pre-med drama a couple of days/weeks ago.

That all came to ahead today when they said something about me. Apparently they are annoyed that I don't talk to anyone in the club, and that I need to get over my shyness. They are the two wenches me and Kay went to the club with. They are on an attack and we are all targets. They also have been saying mean things to Kay, and apparently I have some how become guilty by association.

So instead of coming back with tales of Hot drug dealers I may give the info on how a big fight broke out, hopefully I won't be involved, but I'll make sure to aim for the knees if it comes to it.

Battlefield

I couldn't go to sleep last night.

Once again my insomnia is hitting me towards the end of the semester, along with nightmares, which make me even more reluctant to sleep.

They(the dreams) have been weird and convoluted, and I toss and turn the whole night, waking up with the "what the hell was that" feeling.

Last night as I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, which I seem to be accustomed to, listen to the songs of VH1 Classics, apparently it was 80's night.

"Love is a battlefield" came on, and for some reason I wish I had chosen to enter an easier workforce. I get those often, the people I have talked to, meaning Marie, also has that "I wish I could do something easier" deal. Of course she has been more successful than me in getting past the hard things.

I think it's a little different for kids who are the first going to college in there family. I know I feel a great responsibility in finishing college, yet alone going to med school. But there are some days when I just feel like throwing in the towel, heading off to who knows where, and having a different life. One away from books, and advisors, and everything.

It's so weird, if money weren't an issue and I could anything in the world I would still somewhere in the back of my mind want to be a doctor. But I would take my time reaching the goal, and become a writer, screenplay writer. I would travel and try to make a difference, I probably do a lot of dancing, maybe not in my frog socks, but there would be a lot of dancing in Spain or Tokyo, or Argentina.

I bet that would relieve all the tension. I bet that would ease all the nightmares, and tossing and turning. I guess the tension all comes from having to let go of some of those crazy aspirations. Oh...I'll still write screenplay, but for now dancing in Tokyo is off my list.

I've gotten pretty far in plotting out my future. Of course I notice how behind I am, and how much catching up I have to do. The summer schools in my town are messing me up. The times overlap, they offer one class which has a pre-requisite for a class they don't offer.

In all honesty, it would be easier just to take it here. But I now my mom would not like that idea, I don't even like it. So I just have to skate around some road blocks and do what I have to do. I'm not taking maymester. I figure I need at least one month to recover before jumping back into things like Physics. I am a least 2 semesters behind in pre-med courses. I have 2 chemistry to take, two organic, one biology, and 2 physics. That's 7 classes to fill in. I figure if I at take 4 of the 7, by the time I'll get back, I'll only have chemistry to worry about. So I'm going to take my last bio, 2 physics, and a chemistry. I know a headache waiting to happen.

But I'm getting somewhere, very slowly but surely.

I had to delete my post about Kay yesterday. I just hate writing about how much she sucks, and how much drama surrounds her life. Hopefully she won't freak out mid trip.

Okay I have to get back to work.

Hair Don't.

She has gone to far.

The person I went to get my hair trimmed so my hair could be done in a manageable style for my trip Wednesday decided that I needed this haircut.

My hair was already short. It was a nice length, just below my ear grazing my cheek, which I could play with during class.

A few snips later. And I'm looking like Natalie portman. I'm still deciding if that is a good thing or not.

Right now. Not a good thing.

Tomorrow morning. Maybe.

I hate going to get my hair done, and then coming out 50 dollars less(yes 50 dollars, to look like a pixie).

Sure I have the face for short hair. (What does that mean anyway, when I had long hair I didn't go "oh I have the face for long hair"). Sure I have had it this length before. But I didn't prepare myself for it. I didn't get to say goodbye to all the little pieces that fell to the floor of the lady who butchered me.

Instead I walked out, grabbing at the place my hair use to be, and praying to the saints that no one saw me. In all honesty it doesn't look that bad. I had planned to get it cut this short. But not like this, not so soon.

Today was a shitty/good day.

SHITTY:Spanish always sucks, English is always boring, and then I got my hair slaughtered.

GOOD:I did get an A on my English exam though.

SHITTY:This was only downgraded when I went to Kays house and got spit in the face by an 8 year old. Apparently his punching has now gone to spitting on people, I came face to face with kiddy spit.

GREAT:I did though, decide that I am going to change my major back to biology. It offers more opportunity for me, if I decide to go to grad school(meaning if my first attempt at getting into med school is unsuccessful) , and I want to minor in medical humanities.

SHITTY:But I have having problems planning out a summer schedule with the college near home I want to take classes at. I would be there all day. ALL DAY, and they only offer some classes, most of which are useless to me.

AMAZING:I DID go swimming(after spending 40 dollars on a bathing suit. WTF.) it was amazing. Of course I can only doggy paddle and swim under water, but that's better than not swimming at all.

GOOD: I just found out that a kind of famous news reporter that I have had the biggest, hugest, crush on EVER is coming to my campus. I absolutely love this guy. He's everything I want, smart, cute but in not so normal cute, and he tells the news. I have a thing for news reporters.

REALLY SHITTY: He's coming the same day I am leaving for the conference. THE SAME DAY. Fate hates me.

Time to go do something with this hair. Sorry for all the Natalie portman pics as of late but a) I think she is really pretty and I think she has an amazing bone structure b) I figure if she can rock a shaved head, I can at least rock post shaved head Natalie glam.

Damn you Natalie Portman

What the hell am I going to do with a psychology degree?

Sometimes I frustrate myself beyond the human limit.

Trying to figure out what to take for summer, next year, what major I should stick with or change, I just want to curse or something. Or kick something.

Damn Natalie Portman and her Psych Degree from Harvard University. Damn her pride over having a degree which promises that I can graduate from college with a butt load of loans, and still no clear idea what I can do with a degree about people.

I can barely understand myself. Even if I want to be a psychiatrist I have to go to med school. Which would mean I would want more background in Bio.

Damn.

Unless I become a famous actor, who can parade around with my psych degree, I have no idea what I am doing.

And as my advisor, who really didn't advise, says I am stuck in no man's land.

And then of course as I am fuming over my indecisiveness, Marie calls to talk about how her advisor says she may graduate early, and the she goes on to berate me about psych degrees not even being beneficial for grad school.

Yeah. Thanks. Maybe you should have told me this last semester. Could have helped then.

Back to trying to sort this all out. My head hurts. I have like 200 more pages of Native Son to read by tomorrow. I have no idea what Native Son has to do with British Litertature. Sure it's a great book but the last I checked Richard Wright was American, and the story is set in Chicago.

I can't wait till school is over.

The Shallow End

I use to love swimming. I couldn't wait until spring came. My mom would take us to Saxon Woods to go swimming and we would spend all day there.

I was an athletic kid. I mean I was small(still am) and looked pretty breakable, but I made sure to let people know I could hang with the best of them.

I was called "speedy" in school because I was pretty fast runner. I played soccer, and kickball, baseball, I never really got into football, well except flag football, which I clearly dominate.

Speaking of flag football(sorry I just got a memory)...In junior high we played Flag football. And though there was a pretty good size time, I was had taken out most of the other teams players, that were now piled in the quarantine section waiting for one of the few players to come rescue them out. So this one kid tries to run past me, and I rip off his flag. The next thing I know, I'm pushed to the ground by some boy I have never seen before who was pissed that I was ripping off all the flags. I don't know why that popped in my mind.

Anyway.

Even though I loved all those things, swimming was my biggest hurdle yet most satisfying sport. It's something about being in the water. Maybe it's the first initial feel on the water against my skin. Maybe it's grazing the surface with my hand, or swimming endlessly under water like a dolphin that makes it so refreshing. Whatever it is, the feeling encompassed me today and I had this sudden urge to jump in.

The feeling came mainly when I worked out today. WHO KNEW!! It wasn't even on my Starting Over list. Lose weight or tone up or eat healthy. Miles away from what I wished to accomplish. But I recently notice that I hide behind things. Even though the weather is getting a little better, I still wear layers and layers of clothes. I bare no skin, I make sure no one sees me. So when Kay asked me to go to the gym with her(I still have to be nice, I am leaving on a trip with her in a couple of days) I actually wanted to go. I like working out. I mean I don't do it often, but maybe remembering how much pride I took in being athletic and competitive when I was younger, I figure it maybe something I want back.

I honestly do believe the body is a temple, but not in the religious sort of "don't give your goods away to every guy or girl who passes your way". I think that each body is beautiful in it's own way. The human form has to be man's first realization that something can be created and shaped out of a strong foundation. Oh, there are many cases of people taking it to far, but I think the real beauty in the body's form, is that the body can be sculpted to fit what we aspire to be.

I guess Kay wasn't expecting much out of me, when we got to the gym. I guess she also doesn't know how energetic I am. I did some weird machine for 20 whole minutes. And then the rowing machinefor 10. Kay wanted to stop. I figured I could have went on. My gym teacher once said that I over exert myself when I work out( he was really hott, and I must write about the time he accidentally touched my boobs. It was embarrassing and he could never look at me straight again), we had to wear these monitors near our heart that measured our heart rate. He made me sit down several times, concerned that I was working my body too hard.

So I have since learned that even though I feel like I can go forever, I must stop to rest. Of course that was before I saw the pool...

It was waiting for me. The childhood me rushed forward and I wanted nothing more than to jump in. Of course I didn't have a bathing suit. Kay brought me one of her's to wear, but it was bikini-ish which isn't my style. (So I'm going to buy board shorts and a top later). I had to suppress every urge of jumping in the water with my gym clothes on.

Water in general just soothes me. Even at the pool, sitting on the edge, feet dangling, listening to the other swimmer slicing the water, I was put at ease. I guess swimming is the only thing I don't try to hold back from. Jumping in feet first. Pushing against the pressure of the water. Leaving behind the strains of whatever makes me sad, with each stroke. It's therapeutic.

It's very symbolic for life. The pool and the ocean seem so vast and large. It's terrifying because it holds endless depth for me to get lost. At first I tentatively put me feet in, testing my own strength of breaking the surface, but once I am comfortable with it, once that overwhelming feeling of swallowing me whole melts away, I am able to go in feet first.

And I swim underneath, afraid of how long I can go without wanting to return to the surface. But I continue on. I glide through the water, I even open my eyes, not to look back anymore and see what I've done, but forward and seeing what could be done when I reach the end. The end promises me safety. The end promises me that I can resurface and look back at what I overcame to get there.

But the end always leaves opportunity to began again.

To now dive in head first into overcoming a new challenge.

I guess it's what I need. To remember the endless possibilities of closing and opening doors.

I guess I need to just stop being afraid of jumping in.