Fingers Crossed

I literally just fell asleep at my cubicle. No lie. For a brief minute or two I actually dozed off,  only to be startled awake by a soft snore. How is it only Wednesday? Why is it not at least 5:30, so I can start packing my stuff and head home? Why the hell am I still here at this cubicle doing my job on daily auto pilot? 

Creepy Guy and Annoying girl are both  on vacation this week and without the constant pitter patter of Creepy Guy hovering near my desk or the annoying and asinine ramblings of Annoying Girl(who i don't think i've mentioned before) talking insistently,  the office is pretty quiet this week. Like excruciatingly quiet. Like i-have-run-out-of-ways-to-even-fake-busy quiet.

Crush boy has been pretty aloof and uninteresting this week and I am sort of bummed out by the lack of consistency in our budding friendship. He vacillates between being an engaging and inquisitive guy to an aloof, distant and static robot. This week he is a robot and because I am uber sensitive, I am trying not to be hurt but the sudden malfunction. I can't help wondering (of course) what or if or why things have suddenly soured between us.

He seems to have given up all of a sudden and because I am not as invested to the relationship outside of curiosity and musings, I haven't put much of an effort to figure out why.
I too am at fault for some of this static work week. I have other things on my mind and this hasn't made me much of an inviting person lately. Last weekend Heather and I had a impromptu hangout where we ran errands, drank coffee and complained about stuff. I'm not sure why I enjoy doing this with Heather as much as I do. But honesty anytime she asks me to run errands with her, my answer is immediately yes.

Last weekend was no different. She picked me up around noon so we could run around buying things we needed (groceries, office supplies, coffee) and some things we didn't (moleskin notebooks, decor related items, candy). During our hangout she mentioned that one of my supervisors at the University recently got a promotion and was no longer at my old department. With her absence there is now a full time position open  and she thinks I should apply because my boss loved me and I could get my job back at a place that i adored.

It took me a moment to digest the news. I've been looking for a opportunity to rejoin the University since I left. I only quit because I was poor, poorer than I've ever been in my life and at the time my boss did not have a full time gig to offer me. So on many fronts being able to return, this time with a salary and benefits, would be amazing, plus i could go back to school for free. I am only a little apprehensive about the gig because my department was always on the brink of huge budget cuts and at the time I quit, I was nervous they were going to let some people go to save money.

Regardless, I sent in my resume and cover letter a week ago. I haven't heard anything back yet and am not sure if I should reach out to my former boss just to let him know I am interested. I feel like every decision I make for myself now has this immediate effect. I quit the bookstore, I moved to a new town, I got a new job and my life is so freaking different than i ever could imagine. Mentally and physically. I'm in a good place. I still struggle emotionally and I guess socially and I must admit this is pretty frustrating.

I want to return to the University for a litany of good reasons, but mainly for one selfish one. I miss being around people. I miss being park of a community. I miss being surrounded by potential relationships. And that fact that every one I have started to form at this job has fallen threw the cracks or is Patricia's case the depths of hell, returning to the University could greatly impact my nonexistent social life. Because it is non existent outside of my mom and Kat. And that shit is sort of depressing

Le sigh.

The Spinster Diaries

My mom said something insensitive the other day and while at first I was upset at her, I realize I have suddenly crossed that weird threshold where if I am not in a relationship, engaged or already married with five children my achievements outside of that and that alone mean nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing to anyone. And it's sort of frustrating.

Le Fucking Sigh.

Per usual Kat and I hung out on Friday where she expressed concerns about my crush/new guy situation. This crush thing sort of crept up out of nowhere and honestly I am going in it with little to no real exceptions. I like him but I am not sure if it is on a romantic or platonic level. We primarily talk via gchat and occasionally face to face when he isn't actively avoiding me. I find him interesting but doesn't that come with meeting anyone with similar interests? We come from completely different backgrounds and yet bound over music, books and outlook on life. We spend the bulk of our day at work sending each other music via spotify and analyzing lyrics. He's nice, I mean as much as anyone could be. At the moment he is also the only person I tolerate at work, so that too might have something to do with my curiosity and attraction.

I will not assume what or if the boy has any interest in me. I think he finds me somewhat interesting and a confidant to talk to at work. But for every good interaction where we pass the hours 'talking', there are other days when he is distant and preoccupied. He has literally gone days without saying anything to me followed by a days where he seems overwhelmed with everything he wants to tell or ask me.  That's why it came as a complete shock when he offered to drive me home the other week because I got the sense that I had annoyed him somehow due to him not being overly chatty or engaged in my attempts to converse.

Then out of the blue one day that week he asks if I need a ride home and i'm all like "holy shit yes!". Of course on the ride home, I liked him more. He was a little nervous but funny, he seemed more comfortable in his car and I was glad that we were able to talk freely and with the same enthusiasm as our work conversations have been. Despite my initial 'omg, a boy i could potentially like is driving me home' excitement, when it is all over and done with we are  simply just getting to know each other, so I want things to evolve naturally. Whatever that mean. He's going back to school in the fall and I might have an opportunity to return to the University on a full time basis. So whatever is or is not happening between us will evolve as it's supposed to.

Of course, this doesn't stop my mom or Kat from meddling in my interest of this boy and for completely different reasons. On the Kat front, she was annoyed that crush boy drove me home this past Friday because it interfered with her weekly routine of picking me up, grabbing salads and going back to my house.  Then during dinner all she could do was express concern that this guy situation could mean I have less time for her. She legitimately expressed this concern. I feel like she is incapable of seeing me be happy and what's worse is that I don't think she is aware of this. She'd ask questions like "but do you think he's going to want to hang out every week" "what does that mean about the free-time you have for me".

 I am grateful for Kat's friendship but as I mature, I don't want her to be so reliant on me for companionship. I wouldn't mind going weeks without seeing or talking to Kat because we are too busy doing our own things and killing it! Instead I feel weighed down by her friendship and expectations of me. I feel trapped in a one sided friendship where my goal is to make her happy and secure while I am less happy and secure. She is a succubus, and my life source is fading.

I've decided to not tell her anything else or happenings between the boy and I (so there will probably be a lot of it here if anything develops) and also keep her out of the loop on any big changes I am planning. I need my own life, I am ready for my own life, I simply cannot be responsible for anyone's happiness outside of my own. 

On the mom front, upon learning of this crush boy she immediately went from "i don't think this is a good idea" to "you know what, you really do just need to find a man, any man, so I think you need to be more assertive". I cannot tell you how gutted I was. As you may or may not know, I have not had many romantic relationships and the one that I 'did' have was not really a relationship but more of a complete and utter disaster. But why should it matter if i'm single or with someone? Why would i need to "find a man, any man" to fulfill my life. I'm not saying I want to be single forever because honestly i'd like to spend my life with someone nice and kind and funny but it's not something I dwell on.

Honestly I've been killing it the last two years as a  single chick getting her life together. I have my own place, I have more money in my bank account then ever, I have a full time job, I'm finding my creative voice again, I am on this serene journey towards physical, mental and emotional stability, I look super cute 5 out of 7 days a week. I am so proud of the women I am becoming and because of this there is something frustrating that those achievements mean so little because I am not with someone. Anytime I go out with friends or talk to family members it is the first and only questions that pops up. "So how are you?" "I'm doing really great!" "Oh nice, who's the new fellow in your life" "Oh, no i'm not dating anyone, things are just good cause---" "Oh..."

I hate that a single man in his 20s,30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is a bachelor who has decided to live the single life. That person is admired because of his tenacity, grit and single-hood. He can travel around the world, buy property, actively date women, pursue a career and still be seen as someone who is successful. A single woman in her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is considered a spinster who is unlucky in love. That person is pitied because of her inability to secure a mate. There must be something wrong with this person who is often portrayed or characterized as a lonely, cantankerous figure envious of her friends in committed relationship. This person's success will never amount to much because of her mate-less-ness.

This is an infuriating concept! Infuriating and yet, here I am being damn near condemned by Kat for having an interest in a guy that could take away her spinster friend who is always available to her when she needs to vent or cry or because her bf doesn't want to go to an art show that she's been dying to attend. Here I am, being told by my mom that she just wants me to 'have a husband'. Why can't i just be boss ass Beckett living her life however I want without this pressure of seeing or nor seeing someone. Why is this boy, who didn't say much to me outside of "hello' last week, more interesting of a tale than say me: saving 10K, going to Canada, rock climbing and writing my first novel. Why is our/my success in life only measured by who I am or am not shacking up with.

It doesn't make any sense. Any sense at all. And it's sort of disheartening cause I feel like whatever I accomplish doesn't measure up to much if I don't have a dashing gentlemen in the periphery.