The Spinster Diaries

My mom said something insensitive the other day and while at first I was upset at her, I realize I have suddenly crossed that weird threshold where if I am not in a relationship, engaged or already married with five children my achievements outside of that and that alone mean nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing to anyone. And it's sort of frustrating.

Le Fucking Sigh.

Per usual Kat and I hung out on Friday where she expressed concerns about my crush/new guy situation. This crush thing sort of crept up out of nowhere and honestly I am going in it with little to no real exceptions. I like him but I am not sure if it is on a romantic or platonic level. We primarily talk via gchat and occasionally face to face when he isn't actively avoiding me. I find him interesting but doesn't that come with meeting anyone with similar interests? We come from completely different backgrounds and yet bound over music, books and outlook on life. We spend the bulk of our day at work sending each other music via spotify and analyzing lyrics. He's nice, I mean as much as anyone could be. At the moment he is also the only person I tolerate at work, so that too might have something to do with my curiosity and attraction.

I will not assume what or if the boy has any interest in me. I think he finds me somewhat interesting and a confidant to talk to at work. But for every good interaction where we pass the hours 'talking', there are other days when he is distant and preoccupied. He has literally gone days without saying anything to me followed by a days where he seems overwhelmed with everything he wants to tell or ask me.  That's why it came as a complete shock when he offered to drive me home the other week because I got the sense that I had annoyed him somehow due to him not being overly chatty or engaged in my attempts to converse.

Then out of the blue one day that week he asks if I need a ride home and i'm all like "holy shit yes!". Of course on the ride home, I liked him more. He was a little nervous but funny, he seemed more comfortable in his car and I was glad that we were able to talk freely and with the same enthusiasm as our work conversations have been. Despite my initial 'omg, a boy i could potentially like is driving me home' excitement, when it is all over and done with we are  simply just getting to know each other, so I want things to evolve naturally. Whatever that mean. He's going back to school in the fall and I might have an opportunity to return to the University on a full time basis. So whatever is or is not happening between us will evolve as it's supposed to.

Of course, this doesn't stop my mom or Kat from meddling in my interest of this boy and for completely different reasons. On the Kat front, she was annoyed that crush boy drove me home this past Friday because it interfered with her weekly routine of picking me up, grabbing salads and going back to my house.  Then during dinner all she could do was express concern that this guy situation could mean I have less time for her. She legitimately expressed this concern. I feel like she is incapable of seeing me be happy and what's worse is that I don't think she is aware of this. She'd ask questions like "but do you think he's going to want to hang out every week" "what does that mean about the free-time you have for me".

 I am grateful for Kat's friendship but as I mature, I don't want her to be so reliant on me for companionship. I wouldn't mind going weeks without seeing or talking to Kat because we are too busy doing our own things and killing it! Instead I feel weighed down by her friendship and expectations of me. I feel trapped in a one sided friendship where my goal is to make her happy and secure while I am less happy and secure. She is a succubus, and my life source is fading.

I've decided to not tell her anything else or happenings between the boy and I (so there will probably be a lot of it here if anything develops) and also keep her out of the loop on any big changes I am planning. I need my own life, I am ready for my own life, I simply cannot be responsible for anyone's happiness outside of my own. 

On the mom front, upon learning of this crush boy she immediately went from "i don't think this is a good idea" to "you know what, you really do just need to find a man, any man, so I think you need to be more assertive". I cannot tell you how gutted I was. As you may or may not know, I have not had many romantic relationships and the one that I 'did' have was not really a relationship but more of a complete and utter disaster. But why should it matter if i'm single or with someone? Why would i need to "find a man, any man" to fulfill my life. I'm not saying I want to be single forever because honestly i'd like to spend my life with someone nice and kind and funny but it's not something I dwell on.

Honestly I've been killing it the last two years as a  single chick getting her life together. I have my own place, I have more money in my bank account then ever, I have a full time job, I'm finding my creative voice again, I am on this serene journey towards physical, mental and emotional stability, I look super cute 5 out of 7 days a week. I am so proud of the women I am becoming and because of this there is something frustrating that those achievements mean so little because I am not with someone. Anytime I go out with friends or talk to family members it is the first and only questions that pops up. "So how are you?" "I'm doing really great!" "Oh nice, who's the new fellow in your life" "Oh, no i'm not dating anyone, things are just good cause---" "Oh..."

I hate that a single man in his 20s,30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is a bachelor who has decided to live the single life. That person is admired because of his tenacity, grit and single-hood. He can travel around the world, buy property, actively date women, pursue a career and still be seen as someone who is successful. A single woman in her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is considered a spinster who is unlucky in love. That person is pitied because of her inability to secure a mate. There must be something wrong with this person who is often portrayed or characterized as a lonely, cantankerous figure envious of her friends in committed relationship. This person's success will never amount to much because of her mate-less-ness.

This is an infuriating concept! Infuriating and yet, here I am being damn near condemned by Kat for having an interest in a guy that could take away her spinster friend who is always available to her when she needs to vent or cry or because her bf doesn't want to go to an art show that she's been dying to attend. Here I am, being told by my mom that she just wants me to 'have a husband'. Why can't i just be boss ass Beckett living her life however I want without this pressure of seeing or nor seeing someone. Why is this boy, who didn't say much to me outside of "hello' last week, more interesting of a tale than say me: saving 10K, going to Canada, rock climbing and writing my first novel. Why is our/my success in life only measured by who I am or am not shacking up with.

It doesn't make any sense. Any sense at all. And it's sort of disheartening cause I feel like whatever I accomplish doesn't measure up to much if I don't have a dashing gentlemen in the periphery.