I survived the holidays! thank gawd cause it was looking real iffy in the emotional/mental state and health department if I can be honest. I am not sure why this December was so taxing. As soon as I got home from Thanksgiving break I was so excited about the beginning of the holiday season. A week later, once the decorations were up, the presents ordered and the Christmas playlist created...I simply felt I had nothing else to look forward to and spent the next few weeks sulking.
Despite the sulking and melancholy, the last few days have not been that bad. As expected I left work Wednesday afternoon to avoid attending the holiday office party. Around noon that day, everyone just stopped working and casually meandered around the office because it was our last day before the holiday and faking busy can only take you so far. I asked my boss the day before if I could leave early since I was 'unable' to attend the after work party. He said it was fine and the whole day I was counting down to my moment of freedom. I am not sure anyone even noticed when I left my cubicle and jogged out of the office. I am pretty forgetful at work which does and does not bother me much these days.
I ended up spending Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day at my aunts house. It was inevitable, there simply was no way I could get out of spending the holidays with family. I was super surprised by how grateful she was that i was there. After our disastrous D.C trip, I am very cautious of my aunts intention. She can at times be very shallow and nit-picky. But the last few months she seems more tired than anything else and maybe this has soften her a bit. It was kind of nice being around her and my now preteen cousin this year. We literally just baked cookies and drank hot chocolate and watched campy Christmas movies. It was nice.
After two days with them, I headed to back to my little oasis and celebrated a belated and solitary Christmas. From my previous post you can tell why I wanted to remain home all day. My mood may have been very un-christmas like this year but my apartment was cute as hell. Maybe all of my Christmas cheer went into my decor because I spent the remainder of the holiday weekend in my own little world full of Christmas cookies, pot roast and video games.
With the New Year just around the corner, life has or will return to normal soon. Hopefully a new normal and I am very grateful for this. Kat and I sort of 'made up' before Christmas but there is still stuff unresolved between us that I hope we'll be able to discuss like adults. I knew I was going to be unable to give her her gifts before Christmas, so I asked her again on Christmas Eve to please drop by my house and pick up her gifts. She refused. Curtly, she explained that she wouldn't be able to pick up the gifts because she had other things to do and I was just going to have to wait until we could plan a day together to open them.
I. Shit. You. Not.
I honestly am quite bored with Kat and I's co-dependent relationship. This isn't to say I don't appreciate her friendship. Because I do and hope we will be friends for life. But in order for this to occur, our relationship will need to adapt. I, like most of the people in her life, cater to her wants and interests before my own. She is super sensitive and takes things personally and to avoid melt downs, I find myself just agreeing, succumbing just to avoid conflict. It's exhausting. In this case, we hadn't talked in weeks and I wanted her to have gifts from me to open Christmas day. She told me this was out of the question because she wanted to see me open my presents.
I couldn't rationalize why we needed a whole day or evening to exchange gifts, since we've never done it before.I may have said in passing that a traditional gift exchange would be a nice thing to do, but as someone who changes her mind based on the situation, I quickly saw no reason to go through with this plan based on how uncommunicative we've been. But Kat regardless of our recent rift still wanted to come over to my place, drink hot chocolate in Christmas pj's, open presents and watch Christmas movies all night because it is something she wanted to do. It was something that would fulfill her idea of a wondrous Christmas.
It did not matter that I expressed a strong aversion to this. It did not matter that her gifts are now apart of this awkward stalemate between us, STILL sitting under my tree with wrapping paper that has started to wear thin. It did not matter that in holding her gifts hostage at my house she was preventing me from having my version of a wondrous Christmas Day: opening presents from the people I love at home and at peace. Vice versa.
She went on to say she thinks our friendship is one-sided cause I never text first or ask her how she is doing. She thinks in getting rid of her gifts I am also trying to get rid of her. That it is unfair that my mood changes often. That she was only being overwhelming these last few weeks because while i tend to turn off from the world and take time for myself when i am going through something...she cannot. That she didn't want to disappoint her brother and that's why she kept hounding me about plans. And that she thinks I resent our friendship because of my desire for independence.
I. Shit. You. Not.
I did not and do not know how to respond to this. How do I? Because honestly this is not the kind of adult friendship I want with someone. Especially not with Kat. She hates change and I know if she could have it her way, we would hang out every Friday at my house watching Netflix and eating food (she actually wanted to incorporate another day hanging out at my house so we could play video games and eat food). When not at my house, I know she would love me to continue providing companionship to her brother during our monthly group outings. I know she would love for me to be the person who tags along to the book expo's and concerts she wants to attend. I know she would love for me to be the person who always hits up the exhibits she wants to see and the stores she wants to shop out.
In being this person, I am losing my own sense of self. Oh, and I am bored, incredibly bored. I admit, I don't text first, I admit that I am moody, I admit that instead of bombarding people with my own shit, I internalize and retreat so i can blog about it instead. I do not think this makes me a bad friend. I just think it makes me a different kind of friend she has ever had and her need for control in all aspects in her life has bled over to mine. She loves consistency, and routine and order...all things i freaking loathe and being her friend means that I have sacrificed a bit of myself just so we'd be on the same page.
But I am drained. I feel like one of those puppets controlled by string. All my actions are influenced by someone else and I want to cut the strings. Just so I can roam freely and try something new. I love my place more than anyone will ever know. It is my escape from the world, but the last place I want to be on a Friday night is on my couch watching netflix. I have my whole life to netflix and chill. And when Kat is there all we do is watch TV, and eat and talk about our week like an old married couple. It's nice every once in a while but every week is isolating.
I'd be cool with going to the gym, or taking a class or bowling, even bowling on a Friday night instead of sitting up in my house doing nothing. And maybe I have not been as vocal about this as I should have. Maybe this desire to try new things and meet new people has little to do with Kat and our Friendship. Maybe this is just something I need to do for myself to feel okay about my life, and because I often feel restricted from branching what once was enjoyable has quickly turned to resentment. I feel caged and I just want some freedom. A little.
And if this year was all about Moving On, I hope that that the next year will continue to be about Growth and Independence. I hope I can create a new normal for myself that continues to surprise me.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Friday, December 25, 2015
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Ugly Sweater Party
A few weeks ago my boss sent out an email announcing the date and time of our official office Christmas Party with instructions that everyone RSVP by 12-22-15. Of course I waited til the last minute to make up my mind about attending the office party and now, today, I am supposed to RSVP. The email continues to sit in my inbox as i avoid having to decline. Because if I can be honest going to this thing is giving me anxiety and I can't imagine enjoying myself one bit.
I have been to a a few office related holiday parties and even now am filled with anxiety over how painfully awkward they were. I refused to put myself through that this year.I just won't.
My boss at the University used to throw a small holiday party for us because our department was never invited to the bigger office parties that took place in New York City. So just before Christmas break, our crew of 10 employees would gather in the copy room of the University and awkwardly eat store bought cookies and catered food making light conversations about tv shows and maybe the weather.
Le Sad Stores holiday parties were even worse because we had to work through them. Our managers never devised a way for us to have a store wide holiday party outside of work (though we sure did know how to throw you got a new job party) so instead catered food and snacks and holiday movies would await us in the break room, so during our lunch breaks we could celebrate the season. To be fair the store holiday parties were awesome! But having to work through one is pretty ridiculous. By the time we got our food and exchanged gifts, we had to return to the hell that is retail
But office life , and apparently office holiday parties, are a very different affair . My boss simply picked a random day out of the week to celebrate the holiday season (this Wednesday) and along with catered food there is going to be alcohol and music and mandatory ugly sweater contest and a white elephant gift exchange. Did i mention this is also taking place after work between 6-9pm.
I've known for a pretty long time that I would not be going to this thing. 1) I don't drive and would be stuck taking public transportation home 2) my anxiety is very low these days... except when it comes to parties. I still do not feel comfortable in large crowds and lately am mortified by forced social interactions. Mainly, I do not want to attend because I don't particularly talk to a lot of people at work so I am not to keen on being around my co-workers for 3 more hours (unpaid) after my work day has ended so i can sit around and not talk to anyone. Like i do during the day.
I know you might be saying 'but Beckett, this could be your opportunity to get to know your co-workers" which is true. It would be like the perfect opportunity to get to know the people i spend a huge chunk of my week with...but i am just not interested. I continue to grow disinterested every day in getting to know my co-workers. Most of the conversations I have throughout the week reveal in some small or big way that I have little in common with my work mates. Work is a bit like being in school. For the most part I only see these people because I have to. But the moment I am off work, they cease to exist. More-so, if I were to see any of them in public I would probably go in the opposite direction to avoid interacting with them.
For some reason, at this job, I want there to be a clear distinction between my work life and my home life. I hope, somewhere in the near future, that I will again have a job where the two are interchangeable. For sanity's sake I cannot have it be as incestuous as the bookstore but I do hope to find a place where there is balance. I look forward to working with people that i want to see at work and outside of work. Unfortunately at the moment that is not the case. Everyone is nice and fair enough but most of the times our interactions are so forced it hurts.There are a few people I make small talk with but it doesn't last more than a few minutes and afterwards we go the whole day without talking.
So yea, I'm a bad person and will send out an email to my boss telling him that I cannot attend the office party because [insert some lame excuse]. I know I will hear about all the fun that was had for weeks to come. But I am pretty sure my absence will go unnoticed.
In other news, this work week is a short one and I am very very very excited about this. Tomorrow is our last day before the holiday and then I have the next two days off to 'enjoy' Christmas. I am not too excited by my current Christmas plans but at this point I just have to get through the next few days. My aunt still wants me to go over her house to cook Christmas brunch and labor around the house. To avoid conflict, I've decided just to go and hopefully make the best of time with family despite the obvious annoyance.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I appreciate having someone to spend the holidays with. But my aunt's the kind of person who'll invite you over to her house for dinner and when you get there she'll announce that she is actually going out for dinner with friends and she needs you to babysit for her.
Kat and I are still not talking and honestly I'm too exhausted to dig into the conflict. We often get into fights that do not make very much sense and this one so far tops the list for the year. She dropped by my house briefly on Saturday to pick up the gifts for her bro and boyfriend that she wanted me to keep at my place. This pickup date was planned well before we started acting like the opposite of friends but nonetheless, it was a pretty awkward exchange: me walking outside with a box full of gifts followed by gruff goodbye's. So yea, that's that.
I am trying to stuff as much Christmas cheer in my body before Friday. I am planning a low key Christmas thing on Thursday which includes making pot roast and watching Christmas movies at home. It will be a little hard to make it feel like a cozy Christmas eve day with the 70 degree weather we are expecting but I will not let the last few weeks ruin what could be a pleasant sweet day.
I will try to post again before Christmas but if I cannot, I want to wish you all a happy, safe and love filled Merry Christmas (or Happy Holiday or Festivus or belated Hanukkah, early Kwanzaa)
~Becks
I have been to a a few office related holiday parties and even now am filled with anxiety over how painfully awkward they were. I refused to put myself through that this year.I just won't.
My boss at the University used to throw a small holiday party for us because our department was never invited to the bigger office parties that took place in New York City. So just before Christmas break, our crew of 10 employees would gather in the copy room of the University and awkwardly eat store bought cookies and catered food making light conversations about tv shows and maybe the weather.
Le Sad Stores holiday parties were even worse because we had to work through them. Our managers never devised a way for us to have a store wide holiday party outside of work (though we sure did know how to throw you got a new job party) so instead catered food and snacks and holiday movies would await us in the break room, so during our lunch breaks we could celebrate the season. To be fair the store holiday parties were awesome! But having to work through one is pretty ridiculous. By the time we got our food and exchanged gifts, we had to return to the hell that is retail
But office life , and apparently office holiday parties, are a very different affair . My boss simply picked a random day out of the week to celebrate the holiday season (this Wednesday) and along with catered food there is going to be alcohol and music and mandatory ugly sweater contest and a white elephant gift exchange. Did i mention this is also taking place after work between 6-9pm.
I've known for a pretty long time that I would not be going to this thing. 1) I don't drive and would be stuck taking public transportation home 2) my anxiety is very low these days... except when it comes to parties. I still do not feel comfortable in large crowds and lately am mortified by forced social interactions. Mainly, I do not want to attend because I don't particularly talk to a lot of people at work so I am not to keen on being around my co-workers for 3 more hours (unpaid) after my work day has ended so i can sit around and not talk to anyone. Like i do during the day.
I know you might be saying 'but Beckett, this could be your opportunity to get to know your co-workers" which is true. It would be like the perfect opportunity to get to know the people i spend a huge chunk of my week with...but i am just not interested. I continue to grow disinterested every day in getting to know my co-workers. Most of the conversations I have throughout the week reveal in some small or big way that I have little in common with my work mates. Work is a bit like being in school. For the most part I only see these people because I have to. But the moment I am off work, they cease to exist. More-so, if I were to see any of them in public I would probably go in the opposite direction to avoid interacting with them.
For some reason, at this job, I want there to be a clear distinction between my work life and my home life. I hope, somewhere in the near future, that I will again have a job where the two are interchangeable. For sanity's sake I cannot have it be as incestuous as the bookstore but I do hope to find a place where there is balance. I look forward to working with people that i want to see at work and outside of work. Unfortunately at the moment that is not the case. Everyone is nice and fair enough but most of the times our interactions are so forced it hurts.There are a few people I make small talk with but it doesn't last more than a few minutes and afterwards we go the whole day without talking.
So yea, I'm a bad person and will send out an email to my boss telling him that I cannot attend the office party because [insert some lame excuse]. I know I will hear about all the fun that was had for weeks to come. But I am pretty sure my absence will go unnoticed.
In other news, this work week is a short one and I am very very very excited about this. Tomorrow is our last day before the holiday and then I have the next two days off to 'enjoy' Christmas. I am not too excited by my current Christmas plans but at this point I just have to get through the next few days. My aunt still wants me to go over her house to cook Christmas brunch and labor around the house. To avoid conflict, I've decided just to go and hopefully make the best of time with family despite the obvious annoyance.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I appreciate having someone to spend the holidays with. But my aunt's the kind of person who'll invite you over to her house for dinner and when you get there she'll announce that she is actually going out for dinner with friends and she needs you to babysit for her.
Kat and I are still not talking and honestly I'm too exhausted to dig into the conflict. We often get into fights that do not make very much sense and this one so far tops the list for the year. She dropped by my house briefly on Saturday to pick up the gifts for her bro and boyfriend that she wanted me to keep at my place. This pickup date was planned well before we started acting like the opposite of friends but nonetheless, it was a pretty awkward exchange: me walking outside with a box full of gifts followed by gruff goodbye's. So yea, that's that.
I am trying to stuff as much Christmas cheer in my body before Friday. I am planning a low key Christmas thing on Thursday which includes making pot roast and watching Christmas movies at home. It will be a little hard to make it feel like a cozy Christmas eve day with the 70 degree weather we are expecting but I will not let the last few weeks ruin what could be a pleasant sweet day.
I will try to post again before Christmas but if I cannot, I want to wish you all a happy, safe and love filled Merry Christmas (or Happy Holiday or Festivus or belated Hanukkah, early Kwanzaa)
~Becks
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Home Alone
If anyone has discovered the cure for the weekday blues, I would love you to send it my way. Seriously. I assume there is a blue-print or something out there that I haven't discovered yet to help a girl out. So far my cures include: coffee (and lots of it), pop music (and lots of it) and ginger (i absolutely adore the taste of ginger. But these only keep the blues at bay temporarily. Because honestly the last few weeks have been hitting me hard, harder than I expected, which is such a letdown seeing I had high hopes for December.
Yesterday my boss called me into this office to go over my year end review. and needless to say I was pretty nervous. 9 months later and the man still terrifies me a bit. I get this sense that he does not likes me very much. He has a way of talking at me instead of to me and recently i found out I am the only one in the office who does not have business cards. I honestly could care less about having them but it seems weird to exclude one person, even if that someone is just the 'receptionist.
Regardless, I am a kick-ass 'receptionist', 'customer service rep' 'typer of emails' and this cannot be denied. Despite how many times Patricia continues to throw me under the bus, I am good at my job. I don't particularly like my job, but I am good at it.
Of course, he really just called me into his office to give me my last performance review of the year. I knew this was coming, I've had two so far, followed by two raises so I was a little relieved and also very anxious about getting a raise. I was surprised by the Holiday bonus he said I'd be getting in addition to my raise.
A bonus?A holiday related one? Why does one get a holiday bonus? Do I have to, like, work more hours for it? Nope. It's just extra cash for, idk, surviving the holidays... which so far has been the less stressful holiday season yet. Working is a battlefield...everything else is a walk in the park. While I can't explain why I have been given extra money for doing little work, I will not complain. I would have worked in an office much sooner if I knew about this holiday bonus thing!
Today I checked my bank account three times just to make sure my boss didn't decide to take back the bonus at the last moment. He has yet to do so. I am a very very happy woman today.
The bonus will definitely help me out this year seeing that I went a little overboard with presents. I gave my self a reasonable budget and then blew threw it in a day. A whole day. Last year I could barely afford rent and I had little to no money to buy anyone anything so obviously i am compensating for last yeas fall through. I was also not in a really good place mentally or emotionally and spent the bulk of December feeling like a loveless failure so maybe my initial Christmas cheer and enthusiasm had something to do with not wanting to repeat how I felt last year.
While I am in a much better place this year, those feelings still linger for some reason. The feeling of restlessness, loneliness and maybe even despair but on the smallest of scales. l I don't think I suffer from any type of seasonal depression but there is a definite trend in my mood around this time. I love the holidays, I am full of Christmas cheer but that feeling is fleeting and is replaced by melancholy. I feel so overwhelmed these days and there is no reason that I can discern why. I both want and do not want things. I am full of ambivalence: torn between two opposing courses of action.
I am trying to curb this melancholy feeling. However hard it is to do. Kat and I have suspended all of our Holiday activities since our spat and I am a little relieved and also sad about this because I am partially at fault. Maybe fully, but to feel less bad I wont take the full weight of this argument. I told her how I felt on Monday, not about the car, but that I felt smothered by her and that there will be days and moments that I need space. She said ok and hasn't talked to me since. I feel like she is washing her hands of me, as so many people do. But I won't take back being honest with her, so that I can hang on to my own identity.I am so desperate and in need of my own identity and life. I just hope wanting this for myself, I am not alienating my friend.
With my schedule now open as hell my aunt has big big plans for me. She wants me to spend Christmas eve and day with her and my cousin, bake cookies, make breakfast and entertain the house with my Christmas spirit. I am beginning to feel like a house elf. I don't have the heart to tell my aunt that I'd rather spend Christmas by myself because despite how poor i was last year...I had a helluva time cooking dinner and watching Harry Potter in PJ pajamas. This is not to say I have not liked spending the holidays with my aunt. But I mainly enjoyed spending time at her house because of my baby cousin, who is know a pre-teen. And she has little to no use for us anymore now that she is older.
I worry that spending the holidays alone might be the ultimate depressive sad thing to do. BUT I also know that I tend to have a really good time alone, Who am i kidding, sometimes my alone time is splendid and for Christmas and I liken myself to Kevin from Home Alone. There is something very enticing about spending at least Christmas Eve or day by myself. I want to make a pot roast, and watch Home Alone (obviously) and open presents and dance. Sure, like Kevin I will eventually come to realize it's better to experience all the joys of the holiday season brings with family and friends. But at the moment thought of a relaxing makes me very happy dispute how simple and diminutive it is.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Smondays.
As expected this weekend was rough. I promised myself I wouldn't sulk and hide away from the world and feel miserable and tired and depressed. But that did not happen. I did all of that.
Saturday started off okay enough and I thought maybe I would survive the weekend unscathed.
I'm trying to tone up and have started running in the mornings as my only form of exercise. I am so used to being on my feet all day that I am nervous that my sedentary office job will cause me to gain weight. I generally am not a person who cares about weight gain or loss but I must admit I like being slight. I like being slender and quick. I like not taking up a lot of space. And i'd like to maintain this for as long as my body allows.
So i jog.. Particularly, in the morning because I feel less anxious doing so when people are around. On Saturday I woke up super early so I could run to the pond that's about a mile from my house. Running has and always will be a very relaxing and cathartic thing for me. I like the way my lungs feel while jogging. I like the way my legs push forward. I like being in control along the path i choose.
On my way back from the pond, I stopped by the post office to grab mailing boxes, bought food and coffee from the local diner and stopped at the farmers market for flowers. It was a pleasant and easy morning. It was an obvious and deliberate attempt to distract myself from Marie but it worked temporarily.
I had tentative plans to see Krumpus with a friend and maybe hit up some dealerships later in the day but Heather was busy and had to reschedule the movie and I didn't want to go to any dealerships alone. So i decided to read, clean up a bit around my apartment, dance uncoordinated to some new tunes and binge watch a show on Netflix. If I had a car I might have gone ice skating because every year around Marie's death, I like being on the ice. It's akin to running in many ways for me.
Unfortunately my good mood started to decline late into the evening. Kat was still bugging me about going bowling for her brothers birthday and I could not understand why she was so adamant that I attend. I love Kat. I really do. I know I love her because I can be super critical of her need too smother. I admit that I am not an easy person to love. Sean often accused me of being dismissive when he tried to show affection. And while he was not a boy who loved me as equally as I loved him, he was right in many ways.
I am so used to being the one who cares for others that when someone tries to offer it to me, I resist. I resist hard. I find it as an invasion of my privacy. So when I told Kat that this was going to be a rough weekend, as I do every year, I was hoping she'd let me be. She'd leave me alone to process my thoughts and life. That she'd respect that for two days out of the year I am just inaccessible. But she wouldn't and didn't. After texting me about her bro's birthday, she kept texting me about random things. Things that I had no interest in being apart of . Things I simply did not care about,
Eventually I responded back that she just needed to give me space and let deal with whatever I was dealing with instead of being so intrusive. Even though I know she was trying to be there for me and perhaps distract me from the weekend...i also felt that she wanted to be apart of that day because it is something that she will never have access too. Kat's the kind of person that if something is off limits it makes it more desirable. And for once, or twice, i didn't need her to take claim of something that I need to be mine and mine alone.
Of course, I didn't say any of this via text. Instead I literally wrote: "yo, you need to let me chill and mourn my friend. everything else at the moment is irrelevant. I'm sorry" We didn't talk the rest of the weekend and when I texted her this morning this is what I got back:
I must admit that envy and jealousy are two of my biggest faults. I am excited for other people's happiness, I really am, but sometimes, especially when it's someone close to me, I am often filled with envy at their good fortune. It's hard to write it any other way without sounding like a dick, so I am not going to hide behind it. Sometimes I am a dick. There I said it.
While Kat and I are super close I cannot help how envious I am of her. I am envious that things seem to come easy to her or that the people in her life, especially me, make things simple for her. At the moment I am super freaking annoyed by this car debacle and envious that she has a new car.I am super peeved that '[you] made buying a new car sound so easy...so you, know i deserve to get a new one too". Obviously I know that things will fall into my lap at the right time. I have to be patient. I also have to and should be excited for her. But I am not and I am not proud of this.
Instead I am only partial to these reactions. Where I should feel elated and happy, I am annoyed that the moment and achievement couldn't have been mine and mine alone. Sure, she was and is free to get new things. Sure, her wanting a new car could have been a long time coming. But because I know, as she has told me repeatedly, that her decision to get a car was hugely influenced by my own..i can't help but feel robbed of the moment. Of having this thing to cap off such a tremendous year for me. It just feels like she stole my groove and like Stella I just want it back.
More importantly, this car thing is probably just a symbol for how I am often annoyed that things do not feel like mine. That when I need something or some day or some achievement to be my own Kat HAS to be apart of it and not in a way that is supportive. I am a huge fan of supporting women who get shit done! I super supportive of women who have each other's back as we try to have it all. But Kat sometimes does not bring much to the table in this department. She waits for others to do things for her and latches on. It's as if she is always there in the background, lurking and taking notes and then expediting a version of the change faster. Or worse at the same freaking time. It's exhausting.
With her, I am always responsible for lighting the spark but am then left in the shadow of what it has ignited. Sometimes I wish she could provide the same in return. It's petty I know, but as I stated before I'm a dick. Worse than that i am a jealous one.
I am trying to work my way out of this funk and general bad mood. I am thinking about bringing this up to her delicately but as of right now I can't come up with the right words to express how I am feeling. So instead i am sort of being a passive aggressive dick who can't come to terms with change that isn't my own. Despite how I feel, I am grateful that I survived this weekend, so I am hoping the Christmas spirit kicks in soon. Like real soon! I could use a pick me up. I could use some inspiration. I could use a break from this malcontent.
In totally unrelated news, I saw Fifty Shades of Grey this weekend because..you know, curiosity is a helluva drug. I have not laughed that loud in a very very long time and I am grateful for the sheer silliness of the movie. There are several moments in the actors performance where you can tell they are like 'you know what...fuck it...this shit is dumb' followed by campy dialogue or explicit sex scene. The content, subject matter and lifestyle are not foreign too me. I am not that much of a prude. There are things I leave out for a reason.
I did read the first book long before it was released in stores (there was no reason to continue the series about book 1) and was underwhelmed to say the least. If it weren't for Jamie Dornan (who is beautiful) I would have skipped the movie altogether. But alas, I didn't because I am a sucker for a hot british dude. While the movie was pretty shitty, as was the book, I can appreciate a really dumb flick that knows it is dumb. I can also appreciate actors taking part in said movie because it pays the bills. So while I was un- titillated i sure was tickled. And it did help me out of my sadness this weekend...even if the sadness was replaced by sheer mortification.
Saturday started off okay enough and I thought maybe I would survive the weekend unscathed.
I'm trying to tone up and have started running in the mornings as my only form of exercise. I am so used to being on my feet all day that I am nervous that my sedentary office job will cause me to gain weight. I generally am not a person who cares about weight gain or loss but I must admit I like being slight. I like being slender and quick. I like not taking up a lot of space. And i'd like to maintain this for as long as my body allows.
So i jog.. Particularly, in the morning because I feel less anxious doing so when people are around. On Saturday I woke up super early so I could run to the pond that's about a mile from my house. Running has and always will be a very relaxing and cathartic thing for me. I like the way my lungs feel while jogging. I like the way my legs push forward. I like being in control along the path i choose.
On my way back from the pond, I stopped by the post office to grab mailing boxes, bought food and coffee from the local diner and stopped at the farmers market for flowers. It was a pleasant and easy morning. It was an obvious and deliberate attempt to distract myself from Marie but it worked temporarily.
I had tentative plans to see Krumpus with a friend and maybe hit up some dealerships later in the day but Heather was busy and had to reschedule the movie and I didn't want to go to any dealerships alone. So i decided to read, clean up a bit around my apartment, dance uncoordinated to some new tunes and binge watch a show on Netflix. If I had a car I might have gone ice skating because every year around Marie's death, I like being on the ice. It's akin to running in many ways for me.
Unfortunately my good mood started to decline late into the evening. Kat was still bugging me about going bowling for her brothers birthday and I could not understand why she was so adamant that I attend. I love Kat. I really do. I know I love her because I can be super critical of her need too smother. I admit that I am not an easy person to love. Sean often accused me of being dismissive when he tried to show affection. And while he was not a boy who loved me as equally as I loved him, he was right in many ways.
I am so used to being the one who cares for others that when someone tries to offer it to me, I resist. I resist hard. I find it as an invasion of my privacy. So when I told Kat that this was going to be a rough weekend, as I do every year, I was hoping she'd let me be. She'd leave me alone to process my thoughts and life. That she'd respect that for two days out of the year I am just inaccessible. But she wouldn't and didn't. After texting me about her bro's birthday, she kept texting me about random things. Things that I had no interest in being apart of . Things I simply did not care about,
Eventually I responded back that she just needed to give me space and let deal with whatever I was dealing with instead of being so intrusive. Even though I know she was trying to be there for me and perhaps distract me from the weekend...i also felt that she wanted to be apart of that day because it is something that she will never have access too. Kat's the kind of person that if something is off limits it makes it more desirable. And for once, or twice, i didn't need her to take claim of something that I need to be mine and mine alone.
Of course, I didn't say any of this via text. Instead I literally wrote: "yo, you need to let me chill and mourn my friend. everything else at the moment is irrelevant. I'm sorry" We didn't talk the rest of the weekend and when I texted her this morning this is what I got back:
Le sigh.
While Kat and I are super close I cannot help how envious I am of her. I am envious that things seem to come easy to her or that the people in her life, especially me, make things simple for her. At the moment I am super freaking annoyed by this car debacle and envious that she has a new car.I am super peeved that '[you] made buying a new car sound so easy...so you, know i deserve to get a new one too". Obviously I know that things will fall into my lap at the right time. I have to be patient. I also have to and should be excited for her. But I am not and I am not proud of this.
Instead I am only partial to these reactions. Where I should feel elated and happy, I am annoyed that the moment and achievement couldn't have been mine and mine alone. Sure, she was and is free to get new things. Sure, her wanting a new car could have been a long time coming. But because I know, as she has told me repeatedly, that her decision to get a car was hugely influenced by my own..i can't help but feel robbed of the moment. Of having this thing to cap off such a tremendous year for me. It just feels like she stole my groove and like Stella I just want it back.
More importantly, this car thing is probably just a symbol for how I am often annoyed that things do not feel like mine. That when I need something or some day or some achievement to be my own Kat HAS to be apart of it and not in a way that is supportive. I am a huge fan of supporting women who get shit done! I super supportive of women who have each other's back as we try to have it all. But Kat sometimes does not bring much to the table in this department. She waits for others to do things for her and latches on. It's as if she is always there in the background, lurking and taking notes and then expediting a version of the change faster. Or worse at the same freaking time. It's exhausting.
With her, I am always responsible for lighting the spark but am then left in the shadow of what it has ignited. Sometimes I wish she could provide the same in return. It's petty I know, but as I stated before I'm a dick. Worse than that i am a jealous one.
I am trying to work my way out of this funk and general bad mood. I am thinking about bringing this up to her delicately but as of right now I can't come up with the right words to express how I am feeling. So instead i am sort of being a passive aggressive dick who can't come to terms with change that isn't my own. Despite how I feel, I am grateful that I survived this weekend, so I am hoping the Christmas spirit kicks in soon. Like real soon! I could use a pick me up. I could use some inspiration. I could use a break from this malcontent.
In totally unrelated news, I saw Fifty Shades of Grey this weekend because..you know, curiosity is a helluva drug. I have not laughed that loud in a very very long time and I am grateful for the sheer silliness of the movie. There are several moments in the actors performance where you can tell they are like 'you know what...fuck it...this shit is dumb' followed by campy dialogue or explicit sex scene. The content, subject matter and lifestyle are not foreign too me. I am not that much of a prude. There are things I leave out for a reason.
I did read the first book long before it was released in stores (there was no reason to continue the series about book 1) and was underwhelmed to say the least. If it weren't for Jamie Dornan (who is beautiful) I would have skipped the movie altogether. But alas, I didn't because I am a sucker for a hot british dude. While the movie was pretty shitty, as was the book, I can appreciate a really dumb flick that knows it is dumb. I can also appreciate actors taking part in said movie because it pays the bills. So while I was un- titillated i sure was tickled. And it did help me out of my sadness this weekend...even if the sadness was replaced by sheer mortification.
Friday, December 11, 2015
The Before and After
In a few months I will be 30 years old. 30 years freaking old. I know, it's fucking weird right? I started this blog when I was 19 and a sophomore in college and now here I am on the brink of 30 being a person and stuff. I would say I don't know where the times has gone but thanks to my various online and personal journals, I have a clear sense of how the years that have passed.
You'd think being almost 30, I'd be able to make concrete decisions for myself without feeling guilty. But that hasn't happened yet. And I am starting to fear that it never will. These past few weeks I have found myself participating in plans and outings that have no interest to me but that i feel obligated to attend because...you know, i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
As someone who never used to be a team player, I am quite the people pleaser when it comes to people i love. Just this past Saturday my aunt wanted me to help her decorate her apartment for the holidays. Despite the fact that I had other plans (staying home and sleeping, wrapping presents and making dinner) i felt that i couldn't abandon my aunt. I felt that her asking me to help her meant she needed me and this need overwhelmed my own desire to have a stress free Saturday. Of course once i got to my aunts house, she revealed that she just really wanted my help shopping and carrying things back to this house. Four hours later, after being her assistant for the day ,she dismissed me and I was allowed to go home.
On my way, I got a text from my friend Heather who wanted to know if I would go to Target with her. Any other time and day I would have said no but Heather and I recently had quite the falling out (because she said some really shitty stuff about my past dealings with Sean and my current dealings with no one) and she's been trying to make it up to me ever since. We've been friends since Kindergarten and despite how bossy and all consuming she can be I can relate her anxious ways and how lonely she is, even though she has a lot of family and friends around her.
Our friendship is complicated but when I need her she is always there. Vice versa.But she has a tendency to lash out when things are not going well for her personally, which is exactly how are falling out happened. We were out for coffee one day and she was having a miserable week and felt anxious and stressed. Instead of dealing with her own stuff she projected her miseries on me and vented about my life out of nowhere. We haven't talked in months, but the holiday season is all about forgiveness and moving on, so we have spent the last few weeks mending our friendship.
When she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her on Saturday soon after the disastrous time at my aunts , I told her (albeit still very tired) that I would love to go shopping. 3 hours later I was finally home, exhausted, depleted and upset for not putting myself and needs first.
The night continued to get worse in the 'i'm overwhelmed' department because Kat kept texting me about going Christmas shopping the next day with her and her brother. The next day of course being Marie's birthday.I had already stressed that December 6th (and December 13th) is and will also be a very weird day and that I probably wouldn't be able to make it. But she wouldn't let up: 'we'll only be out for a few hours' 'we'll have a lot of fun', 'my brother is looking forward to this'.
Lately, Kat has been inviting me to hang out with her and her bro ( a very nice guy) because she thinks he is lonely and needs someone to chill with. Because this is not an episode of friends, I am very hesitant with Kat's assertion that her brother likes hanging out with me and am even more peeved that we are often coupled together every time there is an outing with the four of us.
I must stress that Kat's brother is awesome. His name is Ryan. He is super nice and funny and great to hang out with. If he weren't related to my best friend, I would probably catch the feelings. We generally have a good time hanging out with each other and he is not put off by my silliness. This summer, the four of us went to the Renaissance Faire and strangers kept coming up to her brother and I asking if we were a couple, and that if we weren't... we should be. It was weird. Cute but very weird.
But because I grew up having a shit load of crushes on my older brother's friends I know i want to avoid the murky gray complicated area of liking a friends sibling. Honestly, it's a big deal breaker in my book. Unless of course, I happen to become friends with anyone related to Michael Fassbender. So I am trying to keep my interactions with her brother as platonic as possible. I don't want to entertain the idea of us growing closer.
But I don't think Kat sees how weird it is for me. She may not even recognize that her brother might or has developed an interest in me. She may not even recognize that I might or may develop an interest in him. I think she has tunnel vision and knows that when I am around, her brother is in a better mood. That he is a tab bit happier. So in her attempt to get me out of the house on Sunday, she kept bringing up how happy it would make her brother if I was there.
But I couldn't go. I couldn't bring myself to go shopping in a mall, full of people on Marie's birthday. I wanted to just be by myself for the day. Make breakfast, go to the pond near my house. Reflect on the last four years since Marie died and mourn my best friend. I wonder if people in similar situations mourn the death of someone by suicide like i do. There is something so incomplete about Marie's life. There is still this huge chunk about her that I will never be able to understand or reconcile. The person I thought I knew did something that has caused a huge ripple effect and I still, four years later, am trying to make sense of the tragedy.
I guess what no one understands is that Marie is not the only person who died that day. She is not the only one who was lost. On her birthday and death day especially I find myself mourning the girl I was before this happened. I wonder who she would be if things had turned out differently. I don't miss that girl nearly as much as I miss Marie but I do miss her. I do wonder about her from time to time.
Sunday marks four years since Marie took her life. I vaguely remember being stirred awake from a nap that day because my phone kept ringing. I remember how freaking annoyed i was that someone, presumably my job, was calling me on my day off. I remember not recognizing the number but I picked up the phone any way because I recognized the area code. And I remember the sound of her mom on the other line, telling me something really really bad had happened. She sounded so calm initially. "Hey, is this Beckett. It's Marie's Mom. It's bad, Sweetie..." and there is chaos. There is crying and sobbing on the other end of the line. There are hot tears and crying on my end. I may have screamed into my pillow. I may dropped my phone several times. I remember how utterly devastated she sounded on the other end. How her words sort of just blended together. Marie is dead. She killed herself. "I just want my baby girl back!" is the last thing I remember her saying before i went into shock.
And that, that moment, was when my life changed forever. That was the moment that I lost my best friend but it is also the moment whatever person i was supposed to be and whatever life I was supposed to live with Marie in it, died as well.
I have never admitted to this. To anyone. But I a part of me died that day too. I think I died too.
Ryan's birthday is this Sunday and Kat has asked me to go out with them all and celebrate. I do not want to do this. I have no interest in being overly social that day. And this isn't because I want or plan on sulking at home. I just want to spend the day by myself. I want these two days however tragic they are to be mine and mine alone. If I choose to share it with people, I want it to be on my terms doing something I would like to do to remember both people I lost that day.
And this year, I just want to take in the solidarity of this epic loss. I want to honor Marie's life. I want to mourn her. I want to mourn the girl I was. I want to be selfish and not cater to the wants of anyone else. Just for once, ya know.Just once.
You'd think being almost 30, I'd be able to make concrete decisions for myself without feeling guilty. But that hasn't happened yet. And I am starting to fear that it never will. These past few weeks I have found myself participating in plans and outings that have no interest to me but that i feel obligated to attend because...you know, i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
As someone who never used to be a team player, I am quite the people pleaser when it comes to people i love. Just this past Saturday my aunt wanted me to help her decorate her apartment for the holidays. Despite the fact that I had other plans (staying home and sleeping, wrapping presents and making dinner) i felt that i couldn't abandon my aunt. I felt that her asking me to help her meant she needed me and this need overwhelmed my own desire to have a stress free Saturday. Of course once i got to my aunts house, she revealed that she just really wanted my help shopping and carrying things back to this house. Four hours later, after being her assistant for the day ,she dismissed me and I was allowed to go home.
On my way, I got a text from my friend Heather who wanted to know if I would go to Target with her. Any other time and day I would have said no but Heather and I recently had quite the falling out (because she said some really shitty stuff about my past dealings with Sean and my current dealings with no one) and she's been trying to make it up to me ever since. We've been friends since Kindergarten and despite how bossy and all consuming she can be I can relate her anxious ways and how lonely she is, even though she has a lot of family and friends around her.
Our friendship is complicated but when I need her she is always there. Vice versa.But she has a tendency to lash out when things are not going well for her personally, which is exactly how are falling out happened. We were out for coffee one day and she was having a miserable week and felt anxious and stressed. Instead of dealing with her own stuff she projected her miseries on me and vented about my life out of nowhere. We haven't talked in months, but the holiday season is all about forgiveness and moving on, so we have spent the last few weeks mending our friendship.
When she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her on Saturday soon after the disastrous time at my aunts , I told her (albeit still very tired) that I would love to go shopping. 3 hours later I was finally home, exhausted, depleted and upset for not putting myself and needs first.
The night continued to get worse in the 'i'm overwhelmed' department because Kat kept texting me about going Christmas shopping the next day with her and her brother. The next day of course being Marie's birthday.I had already stressed that December 6th (and December 13th) is and will also be a very weird day and that I probably wouldn't be able to make it. But she wouldn't let up: 'we'll only be out for a few hours' 'we'll have a lot of fun', 'my brother is looking forward to this'.
Lately, Kat has been inviting me to hang out with her and her bro ( a very nice guy) because she thinks he is lonely and needs someone to chill with. Because this is not an episode of friends, I am very hesitant with Kat's assertion that her brother likes hanging out with me and am even more peeved that we are often coupled together every time there is an outing with the four of us.
I must stress that Kat's brother is awesome. His name is Ryan. He is super nice and funny and great to hang out with. If he weren't related to my best friend, I would probably catch the feelings. We generally have a good time hanging out with each other and he is not put off by my silliness. This summer, the four of us went to the Renaissance Faire and strangers kept coming up to her brother and I asking if we were a couple, and that if we weren't... we should be. It was weird. Cute but very weird.
But because I grew up having a shit load of crushes on my older brother's friends I know i want to avoid the murky gray complicated area of liking a friends sibling. Honestly, it's a big deal breaker in my book. Unless of course, I happen to become friends with anyone related to Michael Fassbender. So I am trying to keep my interactions with her brother as platonic as possible. I don't want to entertain the idea of us growing closer.
But I don't think Kat sees how weird it is for me. She may not even recognize that her brother might or has developed an interest in me. She may not even recognize that I might or may develop an interest in him. I think she has tunnel vision and knows that when I am around, her brother is in a better mood. That he is a tab bit happier. So in her attempt to get me out of the house on Sunday, she kept bringing up how happy it would make her brother if I was there.
But I couldn't go. I couldn't bring myself to go shopping in a mall, full of people on Marie's birthday. I wanted to just be by myself for the day. Make breakfast, go to the pond near my house. Reflect on the last four years since Marie died and mourn my best friend. I wonder if people in similar situations mourn the death of someone by suicide like i do. There is something so incomplete about Marie's life. There is still this huge chunk about her that I will never be able to understand or reconcile. The person I thought I knew did something that has caused a huge ripple effect and I still, four years later, am trying to make sense of the tragedy.
I guess what no one understands is that Marie is not the only person who died that day. She is not the only one who was lost. On her birthday and death day especially I find myself mourning the girl I was before this happened. I wonder who she would be if things had turned out differently. I don't miss that girl nearly as much as I miss Marie but I do miss her. I do wonder about her from time to time.
Sunday marks four years since Marie took her life. I vaguely remember being stirred awake from a nap that day because my phone kept ringing. I remember how freaking annoyed i was that someone, presumably my job, was calling me on my day off. I remember not recognizing the number but I picked up the phone any way because I recognized the area code. And I remember the sound of her mom on the other line, telling me something really really bad had happened. She sounded so calm initially. "Hey, is this Beckett. It's Marie's Mom. It's bad, Sweetie..." and there is chaos. There is crying and sobbing on the other end of the line. There are hot tears and crying on my end. I may have screamed into my pillow. I may dropped my phone several times. I remember how utterly devastated she sounded on the other end. How her words sort of just blended together. Marie is dead. She killed herself. "I just want my baby girl back!" is the last thing I remember her saying before i went into shock.
And that, that moment, was when my life changed forever. That was the moment that I lost my best friend but it is also the moment whatever person i was supposed to be and whatever life I was supposed to live with Marie in it, died as well.
I have never admitted to this. To anyone. But I a part of me died that day too. I think I died too.
Ryan's birthday is this Sunday and Kat has asked me to go out with them all and celebrate. I do not want to do this. I have no interest in being overly social that day. And this isn't because I want or plan on sulking at home. I just want to spend the day by myself. I want these two days however tragic they are to be mine and mine alone. If I choose to share it with people, I want it to be on my terms doing something I would like to do to remember both people I lost that day.
And this year, I just want to take in the solidarity of this epic loss. I want to honor Marie's life. I want to mourn her. I want to mourn the girl I was. I want to be selfish and not cater to the wants of anyone else. Just for once, ya know.Just once.
Wednesday, December 09, 2015
The Passenger
A few weeks ago I told Kat that I was thinking about buying a car...because you know, I'm an adult and stuff, and should have some wheels by now. Kidding, I am far from an adult but transportation is a nightmare and after a year of being a bus rider, train hopper and cab grabber, I am simply over being dependent on public transport. However grateful I am for it being available in my area.
Before I moved to my now adorable and great town, i walked everywhere in favor of the bus. I like walking and living within distance of both the bookstore job and the university made life very easy. Whenever i did need to go anywhere outside of walking distance, I could bum a ride off of Kat.
But things are hella different since moving. I live an hour away from my new job and though my town is quaint and adorable, i often have to travel for entertainment and shopping. I don't so much mind the latter of these traveling woes. I'm a homebody and I tend to spend my weekends indoors or in town anyway.
But commuting from work...that's another issue. When I worked at the university commuting was doable because I could take the school's free shuttle. During the winter this was a life saver. It snowed so much last year that i would have been trapped were it not for this shuttle. On the days where i missed work late at the bookstore, I could easily grab the bus or train and head home. But my new job is a little farther away. Not Manhattan far by any means but definitely a tougher commute.
It takes me twice as long to get to work and I have to take two buses instead of one. If one bus is late, I miss my connection and have to wait 15 minutes to catch the next one. I spend the bulk of my commute lightly jogging from one stop to another or cursing under my breath because the bus is late...again. I get up extra early so I can make it to work on time and I have to leave my job 15 minutes early in order to make my bus home...a bus that is often late and/or overcrowded.
I've been doing this commute for 9 months and to say i am tired would be an understatement. A few weeks ago, I saw a cockroach on the bus, walking around like he owned the damn place and I knew it was a sign that it was time to move on from the commuter life. I ran the idea by my mom who was completely on-board with me getting a car and I've been doing my research ever since. I know that I do not want to lease a car, i know that i want something compact, I know that i don't want my monthly payments to be astronomical. I know that i want a car by the end of the year. A nice Xmas present to myself.
The idea of having a car has made me quite happy the last few weeks. As someone who has never owned a car (i do not count my high school car which I could only use to drive from my house to school) there is something magical about my impending independence . I dream of the freedom that will come with wheels. I dream of the mini adventures i could take. I imagine not feeling so trapped or restricted to my town and being dependent on people around me for rides. I also know I will dread traffic and check-ups and driving on the highway, but i don't let those fears outweigh the sheer relief I will feel once I have a car.
Lately I feel as if most of my social life is spent catering to what everyone around me wants to do and a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am constantly the passenger. And being a passenger has it's limitations. Before I left for Thanksgiving break, I told Kat my wondrous plan because she is my best friend and I like sharing stuff with her...even my aspirations. But i've noticed recently that when I tell Kat something she too then wants to do the same thing. When i moved to my new adorable town, she started looking for apartments with her boyfriend in my neighborhood...because i found such a great deal so she could too!When I told her my mom and I were going to Washington D.C on vacation, Kat booked a trip to D.C as well a few weeks later.
My mom says Kat's tendency to 'follow my lead' is flattering because she must, in some way, see me as an example of a person who gets shit done. Kat has spent most of her life depending on others to do things for her, and seems intrigued by the fact that I depend on very little people but i still manage to get things done when i put my mind to it. So when she mirrors things that i do, or wants to follow my lead...I am a little bit flattered cause I am literally figuring shit out as it happens. BUT sometimes I am also frustrated by this aspect of our friendship because setting the trail is a lot harder than following one.
So needless to say when I arrived home from Thanksgiving break I was a little peeved to get a text from Kat letting me know that she decided to take my lead again and get..a brand new car. "you made it seem so easy" "you're right it's like the perfect time" "and this would be the perfect way to end the year" "i've never really had anything my own so I agree this would be like the best investment". My heart sank. While I am happy for her, this was supposed to be my big thing. This was the plan I had for myself and my end of the year and now it feels taken from me. Upstaged. The person following my lead has used my trail as a shortcut and I am very very very frustrated at the moment because with her nothing ever feels like my own.
She got her new 2016 Subaru Hatchback yesterday and has been texting me like crazy about it. I am trying not to let it get to me but it is. It has. Especially as I get ready for my hour long commute. The only upside is that her old car is currently being unused, and I am hoping she'll let me buy it from her (on the cheap side since I am her best friend) so I have something to drive. It's an old Volvo but seriously they have been my dream car since i was a teen and i could save a lot of money not having to finance something new. I'll have to wait and see though and honestly the thought of having a hand me down car from the person I 'inspired' to get a car bothers me more than i'd like to admit.
Before I moved to my now adorable and great town, i walked everywhere in favor of the bus. I like walking and living within distance of both the bookstore job and the university made life very easy. Whenever i did need to go anywhere outside of walking distance, I could bum a ride off of Kat.
But things are hella different since moving. I live an hour away from my new job and though my town is quaint and adorable, i often have to travel for entertainment and shopping. I don't so much mind the latter of these traveling woes. I'm a homebody and I tend to spend my weekends indoors or in town anyway.
But commuting from work...that's another issue. When I worked at the university commuting was doable because I could take the school's free shuttle. During the winter this was a life saver. It snowed so much last year that i would have been trapped were it not for this shuttle. On the days where i missed work late at the bookstore, I could easily grab the bus or train and head home. But my new job is a little farther away. Not Manhattan far by any means but definitely a tougher commute.
It takes me twice as long to get to work and I have to take two buses instead of one. If one bus is late, I miss my connection and have to wait 15 minutes to catch the next one. I spend the bulk of my commute lightly jogging from one stop to another or cursing under my breath because the bus is late...again. I get up extra early so I can make it to work on time and I have to leave my job 15 minutes early in order to make my bus home...a bus that is often late and/or overcrowded.
I've been doing this commute for 9 months and to say i am tired would be an understatement. A few weeks ago, I saw a cockroach on the bus, walking around like he owned the damn place and I knew it was a sign that it was time to move on from the commuter life. I ran the idea by my mom who was completely on-board with me getting a car and I've been doing my research ever since. I know that I do not want to lease a car, i know that i want something compact, I know that i don't want my monthly payments to be astronomical. I know that i want a car by the end of the year. A nice Xmas present to myself.
The idea of having a car has made me quite happy the last few weeks. As someone who has never owned a car (i do not count my high school car which I could only use to drive from my house to school) there is something magical about my impending independence . I dream of the freedom that will come with wheels. I dream of the mini adventures i could take. I imagine not feeling so trapped or restricted to my town and being dependent on people around me for rides. I also know I will dread traffic and check-ups and driving on the highway, but i don't let those fears outweigh the sheer relief I will feel once I have a car.
Lately I feel as if most of my social life is spent catering to what everyone around me wants to do and a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am constantly the passenger. And being a passenger has it's limitations. Before I left for Thanksgiving break, I told Kat my wondrous plan because she is my best friend and I like sharing stuff with her...even my aspirations. But i've noticed recently that when I tell Kat something she too then wants to do the same thing. When i moved to my new adorable town, she started looking for apartments with her boyfriend in my neighborhood...because i found such a great deal so she could too!When I told her my mom and I were going to Washington D.C on vacation, Kat booked a trip to D.C as well a few weeks later.
My mom says Kat's tendency to 'follow my lead' is flattering because she must, in some way, see me as an example of a person who gets shit done. Kat has spent most of her life depending on others to do things for her, and seems intrigued by the fact that I depend on very little people but i still manage to get things done when i put my mind to it. So when she mirrors things that i do, or wants to follow my lead...I am a little bit flattered cause I am literally figuring shit out as it happens. BUT sometimes I am also frustrated by this aspect of our friendship because setting the trail is a lot harder than following one.
So needless to say when I arrived home from Thanksgiving break I was a little peeved to get a text from Kat letting me know that she decided to take my lead again and get..a brand new car. "you made it seem so easy" "you're right it's like the perfect time" "and this would be the perfect way to end the year" "i've never really had anything my own so I agree this would be like the best investment". My heart sank. While I am happy for her, this was supposed to be my big thing. This was the plan I had for myself and my end of the year and now it feels taken from me. Upstaged. The person following my lead has used my trail as a shortcut and I am very very very frustrated at the moment because with her nothing ever feels like my own.
She got her new 2016 Subaru Hatchback yesterday and has been texting me like crazy about it. I am trying not to let it get to me but it is. It has. Especially as I get ready for my hour long commute. The only upside is that her old car is currently being unused, and I am hoping she'll let me buy it from her (on the cheap side since I am her best friend) so I have something to drive. It's an old Volvo but seriously they have been my dream car since i was a teen and i could save a lot of money not having to finance something new. I'll have to wait and see though and honestly the thought of having a hand me down car from the person I 'inspired' to get a car bothers me more than i'd like to admit.
Monday, December 07, 2015
Everything Will Be Okay
I tried to have a good weekend. I tried not to let Marie's birthday get to me. But there is something profound about this being her 30th birthday. The big 3-0 and her not being here to celebrate it. I was besides myself the whole weekend adding up and subtracting this number. I can vaguely remember conversations with her about who we wanted to be at 30. Where we wanted to visit in our 30's. The things we were going to accomplish together and separately. So admittedly however strong I wanted to be this weekend, I was a blubbering sad mess of a person. We never became those people together.
I miss my best friend. I miss her to the moon and back. And while things in my life are good and simple and nice, I don't think there is enough time in the world to heal the kind of pain that goes into missing someone. I just don't think that there is.
Nevertheless, I tried to be semi productive the days leading up to her birthday. I helped my aunt decorate her apartment for Christmas, I went to the movies with Kat, spent most of Saturday wrapping presents to put under my tree. This year I decided to do the bulk of my holiday shopping online, which is the best thing ever, and as of today I have purchased all the gifts for the people in my life. Last year I was so poor, I was only able to give an "I.O.U" as a gift, so this year I overcompensated and bought a crap-load of gifts for my mom, kat and my nephew.
Last week all my online gifts arrived at once and I walked into a hallway littered with presents. It was pre-Christmas joy seeing all those boxes in front of me, which was immediately replaced with terror at the though of having to wrap everything. So, I waited until Saturday afternoon to wrap everything and there was something soothing about the task of cutting paper, folding creases, tapping, and topping each present with a bow.
Last week all my online gifts arrived at once and I walked into a hallway littered with presents. It was pre-Christmas joy seeing all those boxes in front of me, which was immediately replaced with terror at the though of having to wrap everything. So, I waited until Saturday afternoon to wrap everything and there was something soothing about the task of cutting paper, folding creases, tapping, and topping each present with a bow.
Of course once Saturday night came to a close, Marie and her birthday were front and center in my thoughts. How has she been gone for four years? Four whole years. Year that have been equal parts terrible and terrific. How have I gone this long without hearing her voice. How have I gone this long without seeing her face. How has life, just continued to evolve without her. I do not understand this. I cannot understand this, and yet here I am four years later...without her.
I had tentative plans to hang out with Kat and her brother on Sunday. They wanted to head to the mall and buy presents and grab food and have a good time. While I wanted to join them, I felt guilty for even entertaining the idea. If I can be honest, I feel guilty all the time when I think about Marie these days. I feel guilty for surviving. I feel guilty for my happy days. I feel guilty for having to still be a person despite her loss.
I had tentative plans to hang out with Kat and her brother on Sunday. They wanted to head to the mall and buy presents and grab food and have a good time. While I wanted to join them, I felt guilty for even entertaining the idea. If I can be honest, I feel guilty all the time when I think about Marie these days. I feel guilty for surviving. I feel guilty for my happy days. I feel guilty for having to still be a person despite her loss.
There was a time when I didn't think I could live without her. The days after she died, I was almost sure of it. But now, now, I feel the weight of being the one left behind, and I feel guilty for having to move on and create a life without her. Because that is what is happening. Life continues to go on. I continue to grow and live and attempt to plant roots...without the one person I thought would, in some way, shape or form be a part of it. And every day, month, year that passes without her feels like a betrayal. Like i am losing her all over again, as I get closer to a more healthier and stable me.
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