Everything Will Be Okay

I tried to have a good weekend. I tried not to let Marie's birthday get to me. But there is something profound about this being her 30th birthday. The big 3-0 and her not being here to celebrate it. I was besides myself the whole weekend adding up and subtracting this number. I can vaguely remember conversations with her about who we wanted to be at 30. Where we wanted to visit in our 30's. The things we were going to accomplish together and separately. So admittedly however strong I wanted to be this weekend, I was a blubbering sad mess of a person. We never became those people together.

I miss my best friend. I miss her to the moon and back. And while things in my life are good and simple and nice, I don't think there is enough time in the world to heal the kind of pain that goes into missing someone. I just don't think that there is. 

Nevertheless, I tried to be semi productive the days leading up to her birthday. I helped my aunt decorate her apartment for Christmas, I went to the movies with Kat, spent most of Saturday wrapping presents to put under my tree. This year I decided to do the bulk of my holiday shopping online, which is the best thing ever, and as of today I have purchased all the gifts for the people in my life. Last year I was so poor, I was only able to give an "I.O.U" as a gift, so this year I overcompensated and bought a crap-load of gifts for my mom, kat and my nephew.

 Last week all my online gifts arrived at once and I walked into a hallway littered with presents. It was pre-Christmas joy seeing all those boxes in front of me, which was immediately replaced with terror at the though of having to wrap everything. So, I waited until Saturday afternoon to wrap everything and there was something soothing about the task of cutting paper, folding creases, tapping, and topping each present with a bow.  

Of course once Saturday night came to a close, Marie and her birthday were front and center in my thoughts. How has she been gone for four years? Four whole years. Year that have been equal parts terrible and terrific. How have I gone this long without hearing her voice. How have I gone this long without seeing her face. How has life, just continued to evolve without her. I do not understand this. I cannot understand this, and yet here I am four years later...without her.

I had tentative plans to hang out with Kat and her brother on Sunday. They wanted to head to the mall and buy presents and grab food and have a good time. While I wanted to join them, I felt guilty for even entertaining the idea. If I can be honest, I feel guilty all the time when I think about Marie these days.  I feel guilty for surviving. I feel guilty for my happy days. I feel guilty for having to still be a person despite her loss. 

There was a time when I didn't think I could live without her. The days after she died, I was almost sure of it. But now, now, I feel the weight of being the one left behind, and I feel guilty for having to move on and create a life without her. Because that is what is happening. Life continues to go on. I continue to grow and live and attempt to plant roots...without the one person I thought would, in some way, shape or form be a part of it. And every day, month, year that passes without her feels like a betrayal. Like i am losing her all over again, as I get closer to a more healthier and stable me.