Once More With Feeling

Boy oh boy, this being a person with feelings thing is difficult. Just difficult. I wish there was an off switch for them. A temporary one of course, but a switch nonetheless.

I have always been an over thinker. Always. More often a fault than an asset, i analyze the shit out of everything because to me everything has a meaning. Absolutely everything. I like to interpret things as well. And because everything has meaning, everything is open for interpretation. Absolutely everything.

This ability/ desire / need to understand things has made me a perceptive person. I have an internal radar for nuances. I make predictions based on subtitles because once again everything has meaning and anything can be interpreted. And these perceptions, however far fetched at the time, have proven right more so than wrong.

I can tell when someone is upset based on the smallest details in their face. I know when someone is lying just from the infliction of their voice. I know things, i just know them. Like when it's going to rain even before the dark clouds show up. I know when bad news is coming just from a 'feeling' that resides in the back of my throat; where i hold back my tears.  I know things even when i can't see them. Whether from prediction or interpretation, i know things. My instincts are like a flashlight in a dark room. I know what things are even when they are obscured by shadows.

In my relationship however this has not always been such a good thing. I'll get a bad vibe or feeling about a person or a certain situation and i'll remain un-wavered by my initial thoughts. It can be pretty frustrating on several levels because a) i trust my gut so much that even without facts to back it up I don't ever think i'm wrong. And b) if i am proven wrong it can be devastating. I feel devastated. I am ashamed. I am humbled. But mainly i am devastated.

On one end if my first impression of you is sketchy i have no desire to establish a relationship initially. This happens a lot at Le Sad Store where every week we lose and get new people. Because of this I am not friendly to the new people, definitely not rude, but if i get a 'wrong vibe' from the start i can be a little dismissive and aloof. Case in point: there is this one new girl who i  haven't even attempted to get to know because during her orientation she walked around with a straw in her mouth and played with it constantly. I thought i was witnessing a sex act on a poor innocent straw. I don't know why this annoyed me but it did and I haven't given this poor girl or her straw sucking abilities a shot since.

But this is the rare instance where my gut is just being a judgmental dick. I'm human after all. I am not always sugar and spice and everything nice. I am never mean. or malicious but i am definitely not above giving a mean side eye every once and awhile. When i am wrong about a person in this regards i feel ashamed and guilty because I didn't give a good person a chance based on a bad day. Kat and I hated each other when we first met because she thought i was a snob and i thought she was mean. Clearly i was wrong. Sometimes i am wrong. Sometimes being wrong is great.

Where the devastation part comes into play is when i am wrong about someone i have let past the initial screening. When i have done that stupid thing where i put someone on a pedestal based on my gut. And because i believe my gut is never wrong i find it hard to take them down from it even when the evidence begins to pile up. Even when i can see the lies in the nuances. Even when i have discovered things in the dark. I find it devastating and hard to accept that i was wrong about a person that i gave a shot too. In this instance being wrong is terrible.

This is what I've been feeling lately. If my mood could be surmised in a word it would be disenchanted. And for such a pretty sounding word, the feeling is unbearable. I am experiencing more good days than bad if i can be honest. Last weekend Kat and I went to the city and saw a play and walked around central park and took pictures and ate cupcakes. It was amazing, the weather was delightful. I wore a polka dot dress and everything was right with the world. When i have plans and am surrounded by people i am okay. I don't over think too much. I don't over-analyze. I exist in the now:  in the sunshine and the warmth.

It is when i am alone that it's hard. I go over every single detail trying to figure out where everything went wrong. This weekend I had off from Le Sad Store and i proclaimed it No Pants Weekend because i had no plans and wanted to spend it at home. So i got some good reads from the library, planned some DIY projects and vowed not to wear any pants until Monday. And it went well for the most part. There was a lot of dancing and video game playing and cat naps. I tend to reread novels for comfort so i easily read through one of my favorite books. And I didn't put on pants for two days. It was glorious.

But every once in a while, during the mid-activities silence I'd stop and reflect on the last year of my life with The Boy and i'd get angry for being wrong about him. I'd get pissed at myself for everything that happened. And not in the jaded, men are terrible way. I love men. I think they are great and some are really nice to look at and talk too. But because when i should have called it quits I didn't. When i should have listened to my gut i ignored it for THIS boy. What the fuck.What the hellery fuck.

And even now i still continue to question my gut despite everything. Since the big deletion we have been in 'some' contact. I ain't gonna lie. He called the job looking for me because after 14 days he noticed we hadn't talked and that i deleted him from facebook and blocked him from calling my phone. 2 whole weeks. He was taken aback by my decision to block him but then we sort of carried on as if nothing happened. Literally. He asked me how i was doing, I told him i was doing okay, he took my somewhat cheerful tone to mean I wasn't pissed at him, he then told me he'd be home in May for a little while and then sent me a friend request on facebook and asked if we could Skype later.

????

 In our short exchanges since we haven't once talked about why i blocked him. Honestly he doesn't deserve an explanation or an entry back into my life. But not addressing it bugs the hell out of me because it sort of devalues my reasoning behind it. But i am at fault too. I could have shut him down when he made contact. But the boy gives so little that i often mistake his small gestures for grand ones though by normal standards they would still fall under the curve. I kept some of my restriction but i didn't turn away his attempt to stay in contact because it isn't easy admitting that you were wrong about someone.

Because of this I've been doubting myself the last couple of days. Not my gut self but the self that wanted to be with this boy. I start to wonder if what i am asking from him is too much. I don't know how this works. I've never had a relationship like this before. I've never felt like as i do know. Am i being too needy? Are my expectations too unreasonable? Am I pushing him away? Am I the one fucking up? Is my constant 'what the fuck are we doing' conversations annoying? Are my instincts wrong?

These are the ramblings that have been going on in my head the last couple of days. I can't stop them. I have placed the blame on myself (again) instead of accepting that i was wrong. I was wrong about Sean. He is not the boy i want in my life. He is never going to be. Whatever I was clinging too was wrong. Whatever I thought he had to offer was wrong. I let him in and he stepped all over me, i should have listened to my gut. I am so devastated that i didn't and that i wasted so much time missing out on anyone else.

I don't know much about relationships but i do know whatever i had with Sean was fucked up. I felt so lonely and replaceable with him. I shouldn't have to ask someone to devote time to being with me. I once had a dream that Sean and I were hanging out and afterwards he charged me for it. I had to pay  him because dream Sean wouldn't see me any other way. And honestly it's how i felt in my waking life with him. His time was always too valuable and I should be grateful of the little time he offered to spare me.

The 6 months leading up to him joining the Navy was complete nonsense. Almost non-stop arguing and backpedaling. I'd either wanted him in my life or I wanted him out of it. I'd get visibly upset over both small and huge offenses. And my outbursts made me think that I was in the wrong. I was the one who couldn't let shit go and just move on. But my anger had more to do with the fact that I never got what i wanted from Sean and for myself.I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to be his priority. And because i wasn't, i felt like disenchanted when i was with him. It was like putting a starving person in front of a plate of food and then yanking it away before they could touch any of it.

The whole situation was/ is manipulative and unfair. A little cruel and hurtful. And while he's been away it's only intensified because i have gone above and beyond for someone who just considers me a friend. I wrote him letters, i talked to his parents, i went to his graduation, I extended the trip so i could spend my birthday with him. I was dutiful. I am dutiful. And were i his gf, i wouldn't have an issue with any of this. Not at all. I love supporting the people i love. It gives me a sense of purpose.

But then he graduated and everything i thought would happen did. I had done all the work and it didn't pay off. He didn't break up with his girlfriend. He didn't make anything official with me. The opposite happened. We established less contact then when he had a pen and a few pieces of paper to write me. And i'd call him out on it all the time. I eluded to how i felt; that i was doing so much more than i needed too for a boy who refused to give me what i need back

And what i wanted from Sean, want i needed from him, was a future. I can deal with the distance and the spotty communication. I can deal with the changes and differences. I didn't mind extended my best self because i wanted a future with him.

Lately my gut feelings have been working overtime. I know when Sean comes back into town i will be the least of his concerns. Despite going to his graduation and establishing a pretty good relationship with his parents and sending him snail mail while he was in boot camp... he is not coming home to me. He is never coming home to me. And worse yet i have this feeling that he is going to ask his 'gf' to marry him because all a Sailor needs in a girl on his arm for all the world to see. Even if that girl is a lost cause.

 I know things. I just know them. Even when i can't see it, i know things. And what i know to be true is breaking my heart more than the actual boy. Because even during our limited correspondence the last couple of days he expects things from me that I have no interest providing for a boy i have no future with. Le sigh. I really wish there was an off button. It would make everything so much easier.

I am not going to lie. I am very sad. Not the saddest I have ever been but sad nonetheless.

As always writing about my sadness is much easier than expressing it. The last few days have been both liberating and isolating in a lot of ways. The liberating part is that i have taken a stand for myself, finally, after months of shitty treatment. I have put myself first. The worry and anxiety about how Sean treats me has been buried under soft pillows. I am not waiting around for him to write or call me. I have not gone to bed anxious that i'll miss a opportunity to talk to him. I feel a little more sane. I know I have made the right decision for myself. I know this to be true.  

But i'd be a liar if I said i haven't questioned my decision to block any and all access between us. I'm the kind of person who likes the 'final word' and I wish the end would have been a little more dramatic than me up and disappearing from his life especially since he doesn't seem to notice I've gone missing. Our last conversation ended with him saying I needed to make him a list (for him) on how to treat me because he needs to be constantly told what to do. Seriously. 

If he isn't told what to do or how to do it he fucks up. He can't think independently which makes a lot of sense when i look back on 95% of our interaction. He never took the initiative on anything (and when he did...it was always done so clumsily: "here is my penis. SURPRISE')  and he was easily swayed by the wind. 

He never trusted his gut or his heart. He had to be directed by strings and if he tried to walk on his own he couldn't. It was damn near impossible for him.   

So even though the idea of telling someone how to treat me mortified the shit out of me I wanted to try it out, you know, because I wanted things to work out. I still stupidly want things to work out in some weird way. Its hard to explain. But i don't think rules like that should be spelled out in a relationship. I don't think i should have to tell someone when they can talk to me, keep in contact, care about my well-being, not be a douche. 

I don't want to make work out of something as simple as affection. To me it takes the fun and spontaneity and joy out of being with someone when everything is predicted and predetermined. But i still tried to come up with rules even though they weren't coming to me easily.

And then i remembered something he said earlier in the week, something that bothered me but that i didn't address at the time. He told me that he was only capable of giving me 2% of his best self. 2%. And for the next couple of days i couldn't get the number out of my head. Did it mean that he was only able to give me 2% of himself ever? Did it mean that I was only worth 2%? 

Whatever the case, I complied a list of 98 things that I have never done to Sean (most of which he has done to me): I have never sent him on an errand for someone else, I have never told him he was unattractive, I have never crossed sexual boundaries, I have never stolen from him, I have never put him last, I have never had him fight for my attention, I have never used him, I have never been unreachable, I have never given only 2% of my best self. 

I was going to send him the list so he could go over it, feel impacted by the countless shitty things he has done and then promise me that he would work on giving me more. I wrote the list for him because if 2% is the best he could offer me, whatever was on that list, represented the rest of him. It was visualization of what he had to offer; which was less than the bare essentials for anyone you claim to care for .

 But before i emailed it to him I realized it wouldn't change anything between us. It was just another way for me to point out flaws in a boy full of them. It was a way for me to feel a little entitled because I've been incredibly awesome and giving (maybe a little too much) in this relationship. It was some attempt to hang on to whatever future i wanted with him. 

So i didn't send it. Instead I put an end to us because hanging on is worse than letting go if you know you can survive the fall. And while it has felt somewhat empowering the last few days, there times when it hasn't felt that way at all.  There have been blank moments in my Sean-less life where I wish he would have 'seen' me like i 'saw' him. I am silently hoping that he notices my absence and misses me but not like you miss your pet when you've gone out of town for a few days. 

I want him to miss me like you miss a good nights sleep. 

I did it.

As planned i talked to Sean last week about wanting to 'end things' with him. He tried to convince me that i was being irrational and that i shouldn't stop being his friend due to distance (because in his mind distance is the reason i wanted to end things)

After talking for a few hours he pretended everything was okay again and told me he was sorry for not putting in more of an effort since boot camp.

So of course like an idiot, i forgave him because he said he would make things right.

8 days later and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. He hasn't made any attempts to be present in my life. And i'm done waiting around for a boy who the Navy can't even mature.

So i deleted him from facebook. I blocked his number from my phone. I took every Sean related item from my room, put it in a box and shoved it under my bed...which if you know me is the place of no return.

I am done. I did all i could do. I give him my best self and it wasn't good enough.

So it's time to move on


.

I think i'm going to end things with Sean tonight.

If this is what heartbreak feels like i'm totally over it.