BECKETT AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY

I remember in Elementary school we were forced to watch these storybook musicals, and my favorite one was called Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good very bad day. I remember just watching with amazement and a little joy at watching this kid sing about his horrible day. So when today rolled by and my day pretty much stunk, i wanted to burst out in song and sing to the world how stupid my day was today.

I hate how my bad days are on the end of the week, like the best day should be Friday, but for me it isn't. Last week was an exeption because i was going home, but once again the evil thing called Friday crept by, giving it's crashing blow as it always does. I was doing good until Biology Lab. Before lab i have chemistry, and we have had a sub for the past 2 days. The sub, who is a professor at the University but of an upper level chemistry class, is loud, brash, and calls on people in a +100 plus class. I was of course slinking down as low as i could in lecture today. I mean before class ended i was half way on the floor, hoping he wouldn't call on me. If we could combine his teaching ability with my professors quietness we may have just created the perfect chemistry professor. But because science has not reach that depth yet of combing human beings i will just have to struggle with my old, bad chemistry teacher. So we have TA's in our class, which are young grad students who don't do really anything but take roll. Usually the TA for the class, takes roll and then leaves, but because the sub was a young,not really my hott but her hott kind of teacher she stayed for the whole thing. She wore her short black skirt, nice white shirt, did her hair all up, and was engaged in all that he had to say. It was disgusting to watch her completely throw herself at him. Her face was beeming with complete sexual attraction to out sub. Trust on monday she will look like a total bum because old professor will be back.

SO i make my way to Biology lab, where more tension takes place. Between student and TA. I hate flirting, i mean obvious, nasty, why don't you just get a room flirty. It's digusting and makes everyone in the class uncomfortable. She's 18, he's 37. And though age is but a number, there has to be some professional distance between them. Not the case. While her breast are basically shoved in his face, and he whispers sweet nothings in her ear, we are sitting around trying not to stare. Mike is annoying me beyond words, he won't let me touch the microscope, we are arguing like an old married couple, i am cursing like a sailor, and he keeps up this "everything has to be perfect, i have OCD, i'm a perfectionist crap" I have never meet a kid who wanted a disorder as bad as he does. Has anyone seen the movie CAMP. Funny movie, if you haven't seen it...the main character has a strong case of OCD what he does is he counts all the words someone speaks, divides it by something, than gets the prime number of that....anyway it's really weird what he does, so the other day, while Mike was trying to prove how much OCD he had, he said the same lines from the movie, i mean it was so stupid. I guess he thinks i haven't seen the movie and i wouldn't notice, but i did. And though i didn't say anything, i caught him in his phonieness and lies. Who lies about having OCD? Like what is the big deal about having a disorder, no one likes having extreme OCD and taking medicine for it? He's crazy.

So combined with the overt sexual act taking place in the front, me wanting to hit Mike with the microscope, it doesn't end their. I'm not a mean person, but when yo cross a line i don't make it quiet that i am mad at you. I do manage to tell you that i'm mad, and then ignore you. So he was critiqing me on how i wasn't perfectly placing the blood on the slide, and i told him that it didn't need to be perfect. He than called me an idiot and said that i would end up doing nothing with my life because i don't believe that life has to be perfect, and that i would be a bum. After that comment, he tried to tell me what he did this weekend.

Beckett: after calling me a bum, i don't give a shit what you did this weekend.

I was so mad. He just wanted to embarras me in front of the class. So after a while of not speaking, he tells me that i don't have a life. WTF is wrong with this kid, keeps egging me on. I roll my eyes

Beckett: Just b/c i don't fill myself with unnecessay drama does not mean that i don't have a life.

So then this other kid gets into the conversation

Kid: Yeah just b/c she doesn't have a new porsche doesn't mean she doesn't have a life

Once everyone finds out he has a porsche, the instantly want to become his friend. Even the girl who was basically having sex with the TA moments later, has breast now in front of Mike. This goes on for 15 minutes. Mike somehow becomes the cool kid, and i am pushed to the side. What is wrong with the youth of america. Are we just materialistic people who care nothing about the character of another individual. I leave lab pissed. I don't understand people, mike, the world, i wash my hands of them all.

So i head down to the Dean office, though i got the slips a few days ago, i figure i just want to know what i have to do next. I notice that when i'm stressed i will ramble to anyone who offers to listen, seeing that i my daily life no really listens to what i have to say, even when i am screaming to be heard. So though i went there to find out about changing my form, i ramble to this nice male secretary, about my dilema's and anxieties, and fears of changing my major that i ddin't know i had. And though i knew he didn't know the answers, it was nice of him to ask me what i was thinking. Because other than this blog, i'm really not asked what i'm thinking or feeling. After completely embarassing myself, i tell him thank you for listening, and make my way to the psychology building. I love the psychology building, it was like light shone on it as i walked up the rock like stairs. I felt at home there, people were sitting outside, thinking, contemplating, and i felt as i opened the doors that i may just be the next smartest pysch major since Freud himself. Okay that's stretching it, but it was close. So i talk to the dean this monday at 2:30 to see if i am approved for the major change. I mean it is literally a major change, but also a major change in my academic career and maybe my life.

I finally found the building where the movie club is held, but it is too far for me to walk at night, unless i want to get attack by the bums, so unless i find someone to take me, or a bus, then me going is pretty much a bust. Which sucks, but i'm not trying to walk home in the middle of night, alone, down a dark street...

The filming of the movie starts tomorrow and i have to be there at ten, i wish i could sleep in though. I'm so tired. I'm done for the night.

Dear Mike....

You are the worst friend i have ever had. I don't understand what makes you a complete and utter asshole to me, or better yet why i continue to subject myself to you and your judgements.

I have known you know since february, when i think we were both eager to make a friend. Coming into college halfway through is hard enough, trying to make friends is even harder. Out of pure circumstance and having 4 out of our 5 classes together, we formed this friendship based on not wanting to be alone.

Soon after i noticed that we were just two different people and if things had worked out differently i am certain we wouldn't be friends. I hate being judged everyday. I hate being analyzed, and degraded. I hate that i dislike you, and i can't see any good in you as a friend.

I think you are a phony. Coming into to class and talking about how what i like is stupid, but minutes later if someone says they like the same thing, you will jump on the concept like an idiot, and pretend it is you who liked it first, you are a hypocrite. You didn't even know who AT THE DRIVE IN was, so putting it on facebook to draw in friends, when hours later you said how stupid my music choice was, is wrong.

You talk about your problems is if they have some depth to them. You who drive a new porsch, and remind me that i don't have many friends, and who tells me that i don't have a life, yet show me these marks on your skin to somehow prove that you have more problems than average people is stupid. Do you know pain? Do you know how it feels to just be completely alone sometimes, and to be misunderstood, and...

You call me a bitch one more time, and i'm going to slap that stupid hat off of your head. You talk about how i don't have morals one more time, and i'm going to throw your ipod out of the window. And if you send me to my room one more time biting back the tears than your nice porsch is going to be completely and utterly trashed. Just as you are doing to your life, and my sanity.

I don't need you questioning who i am. I need a friend. Someone who i can come to when i'm down, not someone who makes me feel like crap when i go back to my room. Don't tell me that i'm not going to do anything with my life, and will be a bum. You who cares nothing about school and still lives in a high school mode, talking about how great it is. I work my ass off, trying to make good grades, be a good daughter, and try hard to be a good human being who doesn't pass judgement on people....but you my frined are an Asshole.

I don't know what in my past life i did, to deserve you as a friend. But this isn't going to work. I wish you, your porsch, and your ipod a nice life without me. Because i would wish no one the torture you have put me through. I dislike so much, to the point where i dread seeing you, and before i say something i don't mean, this has to end.

We can't be friends anymore.
B/c friends don't treat friends, like you treat me.

Beckett A. Hughes

(the letter i wish i could send to Mike. I'll write another post later, i just needed to rant for a while)

"Beckett, You are Wise...."

Were the words written on my English essay from my professor. Every Tues and Thursday in class, we have these free writes and she gives us something to write about and then we have to respnd without stopping or thinking about what we say. I guess she likes what i write because she gives me a lot of check ++'s, which she says is rare and only gives them out when we have wowed her. I never thought i wowed anyone before. I've been called wise a lot of times, and i notice that i don't give myself as much credit as i know i am. I'm kind of hard on myself, i don't know why but people see things in me that i don't, and maybe i need to see the beauty in myself first before the world can see it in me.

We are doing group work this next week where we have to analyze poems and write up the outline for the poems. There are six groups, each with a poem, and each poem corresponds with each other ( well each poem has a reply to it). Me and Mike ended up in different groups, but close enough that he can talk to me without us yelling across the room. Out poems are the corresponding poems and next week we are both the speaker. The poems are The Passionate Shephard and his Love, and The Nymph's reply to the Shephard. Of course i am the poem with the Nymph title. To sum it up quickly In The shepard poem, he is asking his mistress to move in with him, he is offering all these things that will draw her in , because he loves her so much. The nymph replies, that if love were young, and always to be in an enduring state than the idea of them living together would be great. But reality crushes that, promises are things that don't live up, and disappointment is soon to follow. Oh, how i connect with the nymph and i was more than a little happy to get that poem.

I think it's funny how we both have to present a poem which correspond with each other. So while he does his speech of the shephard declaring his love and devotion for the Nymph, i will talk about our poem and the rejection she crushes on the Shephard. Sweet irony i tell you. I'll be able to say what i think about Mike in the form of my describing the Nymph. I believe Friendships are Relationship, just without the hand holding, kissing, and other mushy stuff. And ours is a weird one built around the assumption of greatness, but in reality is just a neurotic mess tha leaves me tired. Public speaking doesn't bother me that much, which is weird cause i rarely speak in class. I took speech in High School and to the shock of my teacher who had basically brided me to at least say a word a day, if not talk, i took to public speaking pretty well. Though i don't like competing so i dropped out of his Speech club, speaking in class was enough.

Filming starts Saturday, and i not happy with the prospect of waking up on a Saturday early to get to some shoot, where i just decorate, hopefully they will let me go home early. I mean if i'm just decorating whats the use of keeping me all day, why couldn't child labor laws follow us into adulthood. I mean they have to let me go sometime don't they.

In Biology class, i sit behind a kid with a mullet/rat tail. I can't help but stare at it, as if my life is flashing before my eyes. All i can think is "this is one smart kid, but why the mullet/rat tail" I mean he is really smart, out of +3oo students he always answers the question but not in the annoying way, like some other kid who shouts out the wrong answer. I'm starting to think his mullet retains his smartness, like without the mullet he would know nothing. Must get his name, so i can stop referring to him as dude with mullet.

I am suppose to be going to this movie club thing tonight. But like most things i have idea what building it is in. I love how when you ask someone where it is, they either scrunch up their faces because they have never heard of it before, or give you directions that further have you confused. Seeing that it is at 7pm, and i don't really want to be wandering around at night for a building i may never find, Mike agreed on showing me tomorrow where it is(b/c filming is in that building also), so i can either wait for the next movie or search for it now. They are playin La Femme Nikita, and i don't even think it's the french version. Not that i don't like Brigett Fonda( i think that is who was in it), but the French version is just better and more raw. Enough movie talk, i need a nap.

Change of Major

I have been running this through my head since last semester. I meet a girl named Katherine in my English class last year. And she's really smart, and i instantly wanted her to by my mentor, secretly that is. I mean she speaks up, and shows her stance on issues and is from Philly, so brownie points. She also is a pre-med major, which is good because she can tell me everything i need to be prepared for. What she isn't is a Biology Major, and last year she told me that it isn't really good to be a biology major becuase med schools want well rounded, kind of philosphocial types who think beyong medicine and reach people on a personal level. When i heard that i may have jumped for joy because i despise Biology and Chemistry. Though i will still have to take them, i won't have to have them be my main focus. Though i made this decision last year, i have yet to go to he change major place.

I don't konw what it is, but i also had this notion that i would excell extremely well in science. And it just isn't the case. I hate labs, and i hate calculating all these numbers, i hate test tubes, and beakers, and bunsen burners, the whole lot. It isn't for me. Today in Chemistry was a complete disaster. Though my partner now shows up, i still have no idea what i am doing half the time, and i totally messed up our experiment. You could tell she was a little mad at my small yet big whoops, and we had to borrow some chemicals from another group. Though we weren't the last to leave, i must say.

Earlier today, i crept into the Psychology department, and picked up my form. I held the papers in my hand as if they were somehow saying goodbye to the past. Though med school is my top priority, i have to make sure i totally don't bomb my undergraduate career, and think psychology would be up my ally. I remember in high school my phyiscs teacher warned us that most of us would end up changing our major, i sure as hell didn't think it would be me. But i like psychology better, and maybe i can get away from all these chemicals and crap while i'm at it. So the papers are sitting before me, and i have to fill them out and return them to the dean. I think a big weight will be lifted off my shoulder.

It just figured it would click for me somewhere. I would somehow in my brillant mind of mind would one day wake up and have it all figured out. Be some Science god who can understand everything thrown at her. Not the case. It clicked all right, the bright bulb telling me to run while i can, escape from all that is evil, which is science. So pyschology here i come.

Back to my lab partner who is one crazy girl. I wouldn't say she was a free spirit, maybe a deterrer of rules, a girl who takes life as it is. Okay she is just crazy. She complains about her roommate who thinks she is whore. I guess her roommate is a prudish, sort of 19 year old. Lab partner goes out and drinks most nights and prudish roommate condems her to hell, oh the pleasures of having a single room. I can get annoyed with myself, and no one else.

I notice for a 19 year old, i haven't charted to the dark side, or even really peeked over to the darkside and waved at all those there. Which is extremely weird cause i don't consider myself to be a person who lives by the book. I consider myself...well not a book follower. But when i talk to her i see myself completely lying.

Crazy Lab Partner: So yeah you know how it is, coming home drunk from a late night
Me: Totally(what?! the closest thing to alcohol i've had was a wine cooler which tasted like sparkling water)
Crazy LabP: And like she was so upset when i brought a guy over
Me: That's horrible, she should lighten up (I don't even think another girl has been in my room, yet alone a boy)
CLP: I mean it wasn't like we were doing anything and even if we were, like i can because i'm not going to do the whole wait before marriage thing. I mean what kind of relationship is that.
Me: I totally agree(what?! i mean i kind of agree, but you can't go sleeping with anyone who shows an interest in you).

Which is why when Mike said i didn't have morals, i was kind of mad because i do less stuff then most people my age, i do have morals, but i seem like mother teresa compared to all the things she was willingly telling me. Does that make me a prude? I don't think so. I'm just not in to those things, i try to stay as far away from drama as i can, and the mixture of alcohol, sex, and overnight sleepovers is not in the near future. But i guess not to be labeled a prude i just avoid talking about those things. And thus nodded my head like an idiot in class today, as this 18 year old told me all her dirty deeds.

I don't in the least think that i am missing out on something. But i do see that my social situation has to get better, if i'm going to make it here for another 2 1/2 years( i am going to spend so much time in summer school, getting all the credits i can possible squezze in), so tomorrow i am going to finally go to the movie club. I don't know why i didn't go last time, maybe it's because it was a Nicholas Cage movie and i'm not that big of a fan, probably because i somehow talked myself out of going due to anxiety. But tomorrow i will go, where we will be watching La Femme Nikita. And though i have seen this movie a million times, i just have to go and do this, cause i don't want life to pass me by, or i don't want to watch from the sidelines as much as i do now.

Emerging from the Haze

I just woke up from the best nap in my whole entire life. I am like in mid "go back to sleep Beckett" and "You slept long enough, there is work to be done" Damn my self control, because otherwise i would be right back in bed now. My hair is all over the place now, and i think i shall venture outside with this crazy crop of hair.

I talked to my friend yesterday. The one who i value because she is my only true friend but get annoyed by because she isn't a great friend. We aren't the girls who went to the mall, or had sleepovers and pawned about the boys we were in like with. We argued about issues, and talked about the people we disliked, and i think it was a relationship built on surviving high school together, rather than a relationship built on this appreciation of each other. Our English said we were a perfect fit, because i taught her how to approach things more softly and she taught how to grow a backbone. Needless to say we still talk to each other, not as much, but we appreciate the friendship we had in highschool and are tyring not to fade away as most of these relationships do.

So she mentioned that her sister who is 16, has about three boyfriends, and does more than She does on a Saturday night. I guess it was a bog shock to herself, that her younger sister is having more fun than she is. So now she is trying to do things on the weekend because she doesn't want to do nothing. I guess that made me think also. I mean i'm not a girl who likes to go out all the time,but i do have this ever increasing want to have meaningful relationships with people. And in a way i deny myself that, cause i always think "well there is going to be an end to this, I'll move, we'll grow disdant, and then i will be left feeling sad because this didn't work out."

It stems from the move, because i had amazing friends in Westchester, and until about the end of 12th grade i had sustained relationships with 1 of them who was also my best friend. My best friend "Rochelle" and i had wrote lettters, talked on the phone and such for about the last 6 years that i have been here. Somewhere between the summer of what was suppose to be my start of freshman year in college, we stopped calling. It wasn't really on my part, cause i can completely devoted to friends that i have. I think so much that when we stopped talking it was like a slap in the face. Over the summer i tried to call her, that didn't work, so i wrote her a note. This was about in September and i was telling her about me not being in school, and how i was completely devasted. No letter came back. In October while i was on line her screenname popped up. I instantly started talking to her. I know that you can't tell the mood someone is in on IM, but her answer were written in a way that she just seem disinterested. After a while of typing my heart out and recieving "yeah." "thats sad" "yes" "no". I mean you think after not talking to each other for a long time, her answers would be long. So i signed off in mid sentence and haven't talked to her sense.

So i have thinking in that disatorus way, when approaching to make new friends. I don't allow myself to open up because it's easier to not put so much into to getting to know someone and it falling flat eventually. It was weird cause in English we are reading all these love poems, and we got out essay back today, and she was telling us a list of things she never wants to see in a essay. One of them is to never say "in today's society" which i always say. She says don't say that because everyone looks back on the childhood, as the good old times, or the 80's as the good times....but to the people in the 80's it wasn't the good old time, and even with my childhood i was pretty ready to grow up and didn't think of the time at all as the good old times. That generally people are always going to want to associate their childhood as the best times of their life. And i was like "whoa, greatest statement of the day" You can literally spend a lifetime living in the past, and that is wasteful and denies the experiences that life offers. So sorry it took 6 years to figure that out, i may have spent my time more wisely.

So going back to the talk with Marie and her sister with the three boyfriends. People have made fun of me and Heaher, and i guess we have made fun of each other also because of this, because we are very particular about our crushes. Her standards are way unrealistic but i think it's a way of avoiding being in a relationship because of her standards. I on the hand, do have standards but rarely do i have full on crushes. I mean thinking someone is cute, and thinking you want a relationship with this boy are two different things. So i've been crushing on art boy for the last couple of months(cause well he was in art class with me), and i've had every opprotunity to approach and strike a conversation, i mean he wrote me for goodness sake, but my uncomfortableness with relationships prevents me from talking to him. I mean he is so lovely. And i lovely is a girly word but thats all that i can think of when i think of him. Is that he is lovely. I mean he held the door open for me, and in a way deep voice said "your welcome". God i'm a sucker for "your welcome's" . And if i wasn't such an awkward, girl who hides in corners during meetings she should attend, i know that i would totally want him to my boyfriend. There i said though it took me 5 miuntes to type that word. and yet i avoid starting anything with him out of fear. Maybe i'm a big relationship phob.

And maybe that's why i keep having all these dreams. It think they are about me not trusting myself fully in relationships. That at the drop of a dime when i notice something is going wrong, i will try to run from it. Even when the other person is fulyl invested in making it work. That i could mess up a good thing because of my fear of it ending. Or maybe my hot doctor boyfriend in the future is just going to cheat on me. I don't know.

Not that i think i would be a horrible girlfriend. Just that i know my head is in the clouds. I'm a wreck. A funny, sometimes charming, shamelss wreck. I'm still dealing with the fact that my grandma isn't here anymore, and my dad, and dealing with all this anxiety that i have, and i couldn't ask for someone to completely deal with that. Not that it's baggage, just that i have deal with these issues first, cause i take a lot from the one's that i love. Not saying that i love him. But i know that sooner or later i would have my many off days, and shut him or anyone else in the prediciment off and reject the help or comfort that i needed, and that wouldn't be fair. Though his shoulder looks very lovely to cry on.

Or.

Maybe i just so do opposite Beckett. I should do as George did on Seinfield, do everything completely opposite and see how it pans out. Maybe i should relay, well once i get to know him, my complete want of his loveliness and company. And not worry so much about the inbetweens. Worry about them when the come about But until then go and get him, before he completely is out of reach.But he has invaded my ming to many times, lately. And i don't want him to just become some boy i had a crush on, but let fall out of my reach because of fear.

I don't know. I hope to be able to attend his meeting on Thursday. I have to talk to the director of the movie on Thursday about what me and the Art Directors idea sof the set will be. She was very nice and we had the same basic idea. Working with no budget leaves us limited. But the meeting is at 5:30 his club starts at 6:00, i will try not to look at my watch while talking to them
but will mention that i have to be somewhere.

Last but not least. I got a B on my english essay that i thought i bombed. She is a tough grader and kept mentioning that she doesn't give out many good grades on the first writing. So when i got my paper back, i totally did not look at it. I did the whole fold and tuck thing. So as soon as we got outside Mike said that he did really bad. i ask him what he got and he told me it was a D. That made me a little nervous and i peaked at mine and it was a B. I couldn't suppress my joy, and i jumped up and down. Admitedly he said that the teacher has something out for him, and just likes me because i show up to class every Tues and Thurs. Who knows but the next essay is reader response, and i get to pick a poem or song that i want to write about. Reader Response is so personal and seems a little harder that straight New Criticism.

Well now i'm totally awake now, and have to do something to burn off all this energy. Today must be music day cause there was a man playing the saxophone outside today, i was in love, well musically.

Mean Girls

I got Heckled....

I was walking down the street and i notice these three girls walking very slowly in front of me. You kind of notice when you are being talked about because all of a sudden voices get hushed, and they do the not so obvious that it actually is obvious glance back.

I should have just stayed behind them, but i was in a rush, so i moved quickly to get in front of them, and then Laughter from the three wenches insued. I mean loud laughter, so i could hear it. I kept looking at myself to see if anything was hanging or falling out. I hadn't gone to the bathroom recently so there couldn't have been paper trailing behind me. The heckling contiued until it there voices fade out.

I was never made fun of as a child. I was generally liked by most of my peers, probably because i didn't say much, and i try to be nice to everyone. I think when you get older people/ girls see your shyness as snobbish. Growing up i have had the most problems with girls my age. Which is why my mom always wonders why i have my boys as friends than girls.

I grew up with mostly boys, not saying that i am a totally tom boy. But just that i seem to take a more lax approach to problems. Boys get into arguments and as soon as it started, it's over. Girls get into arguments that can last a lifetime, and even when it is resolved, still will be brought in future arguments. I avoid fights, i hate when they happen, and try to squash them as soon as they occur.

Generally i think girls are just meaner. I think boys are more competive in a physical way. Can i run faster than him, can i lift more than him,etc.... Girls are more competive in a psychological way. It's all about deeming someone. "I'm way prettier than her" "her clothes are so out of style". And i think that type of competition is a senseless act.

I guess now i'm in a age where girls size each other up. Like a predator testing out the fight of it's prey. Of course it's not going to attack someone who will obsviously attack back. You kind of think at this age though, that this need to make yourself feel better by making someone else feel like crap would have been left in Middle. Apparently not.

Surprisingly i wasn't as upset as i figured i may have been. I know i don't fit in, i know that i'm a little weird sometimes, but i also know that i'm going to do something worth while with my life, and that stuff will soon not matter. Plus i was hoping they would have a booger in there noise when talking to some really hott dude, but i dealt with it pretty well.

I have been having insane dreams lately. I don't really talk about my dreams cause dreams is this really personal thing that we all have. I have had like 4 dreams in a row where my boyfriend/husband cheats on me. What's weird is that they are like a weekly show. And they seem to pick up after the next one. Having a little avoidnat personality my dream went something like this:

(in every dream i am a doctor so bear with me): So friends and i are gathered in an apartment having a generally good time. The guy i guess i have been seeing works at the hospital with me and we have the same circle of friends. Recently he has cheated on me, he lives in the same building as my friend and know that he will coming home soon. I jet out of the apartment, just as my friend yells to not take the elevator because i will most likely bump into him. Of course i take the elevator, there is an older man in their with me. I breath a sigh of relief that i am almost out of the building, but just as the elevator opens, in come "boyfriend" We lock eyes, and i try to squezze out before the older man. "Beckett, wait", before i can even run for the door he grabs me lightly putting me back in the elevator. Old men gets trapped in their with us. The doors close and as i reach for the open button he like places his body in a way that prevents me from doing so. "Will you just talk to me" I push him off "NO". Old man pushes the open button, Boyfriend pushes the close button. (the image of that old man caught in this weird prediciment is funny to me). "why won't you just let me explain" "becuase there is nothing to explain, LET ME GO!" the door finally opens, andwe are staring intensly at each other, until he moves his body and relunctantly lets me leave. "You can't keep walking away from this", and then i'm like running down a street.

It was real. I mean my dreams are so intense not because they are dreams in which i am flying, or doing something unusual. But because they are so real. The emotions from then lead me either pissed or happy in my waking state because i can't differentiate between wether it just happened or will happen.

I take my dreams for all as they are. This summer i had a dream my dad died. I called him up on Father's day to see if he was okay, he wasn't at my grandma's so i talked to her. 4 days later she died, and maybe in a sense a little piece of my dad died with her. So when i have dreams i take them as a sign of something.

I notice that i totally avoid situations and things like that, as with the whole dream thing. Because when i get upset with someone i totally shut myself off, leaving them wondering what is wrong with me, but i don't express what i am feeling. But that would really suck if my cute doctor boyfriend kept cheating on me. I mean i had this dream with him since about june and in everyone of them he's cheating and i'm running. I'm mad at him i don't even know him.

Trapped in A Corner...

is where i have been for the last 50 minutes. Well right now i'm not in the corner, and safely back in my domain called my room, but i was literally in a corner, sitting down, hiding.

So that film club that i am in is held every sunday. Though if you go to three meetings you are a member of the group. My third meeting was last sunday, but because shooting for the film is taking place later next week, i thought it may be important to go to the meeting even though i didn't want to. And by not wanting to, i mean it was 5:55 of my telling myself to go to this meeting before i left the room and walked slowly to the building.

Now usually i will see a few members of the meeting sitting out in the hallway, but after they notice a few more members have come to the meeting they will all go to this meeting room down the hall. So when i saw them sitting in the big hallway, i thought nothing of it and walked not to the meeting room, but further to the window until i heard voices of the members gathering in the room, like i usually do . Not Today.

As i sat in my new favorite corner, looking out the window and hearing various music from ii guess another group meeting, i started to notice that no one was coming. At 6: 15, after i had nearly dozed off it was apparent to me that maybe the meeting was now in the hallway. But by then, going back and being like "oh, my bad" would be a little embarassing and just draw attention to me. So i decided that i would leave and just go back to my room. NOT THE CASE. The exit that was near me, was a fire exit and opening the door would set off an alarm in the whole 4 story building. The only exits where the ones convienentally locating near my group. Which would mean i would have to pass them to leave the building, which by then would seem weird and embarassing b/c then it would apparent that i was a) leaving and b) bypassed them and had waited like an idiot for the meeting to start.

Thus, my seat in the corner, which i was located at for 50 MIN. yes that's 50 whole minutes that i spent in a corner almost pulling my hair out because there was no exit. Must have been the funniest sight to see from someone else's perspective, because the scenerio is almost comical. Next after spending 15 minutes in the corner, i decide to try and sneak my way past them. I was wearing a jacket, so i took it off and stuffed it in my bookbag, i ruffled my hair as much as humanly possible and i took a book to possibly shield my face. As soon as i made it to the door, right before entering the other hallway to see them, i chickened out, and ditched into the same bathroom that i was in last week.

After trying to amuse myself by tap dancing and thinking of how in the movies they have a shute in the bathroom that is somehow an exit route, i decided to leave the stink hole called the bathroom and return to my corner. There was another group having a meeting because i could hear them from my corner, i figured that when they left as a group , i would somehow blend in with them and walk on out, so the waiting game took place. I called my mom,but she didn't answer, so then i decided to do some homework. Eventually she called and as soon as she called the group began to leave the meeting room, so i rushed as close as i could to them without looking creepy and made a beline for the stairs. I never felt so relieved in all my life. Maybe i am a little anti-social and maybe i do have anxiety when it comes to big crowds, maybe this group just isn't for me.

I mean i love writing. And i love movies, and i have written scripts. But i don't like the confinds of having to present my idea to the group, them vote on if they want to make it a movie, then see if John, Dick, Jane, Harry, and Sue want to help me yadda yadda yadda. I just like writing, i like there being no time limit, i like my stories and i don't feel like this group is for me. Maybe it's a cop out, maybe it's me not compromising my creative devices to a bunch of college kids who write about weird things. But i like what i'm doing now with my writing, i don't feel this great need to express it with them. Of course i thought of all of this while i was in my corner. It was a very nice corner, with a view and everything. Quiet, watch the birds, maybe i'll even turn my awkward social moment of the past event into a short.

I still have to see that lady tomorrow about set dressing for the movie. I still want to do it but just have no idea what i am doing.

Back in Town

Back at school from my weekend at home.

I was so ansty on Friday to go home, that after my last class i may have ran to my room waiting for my mom to come. And when she and my brother did i jumped into their arms like a child, i didn't even care who saw me.

Returning home was great. I don't know whether i missed mom and my brother more or my cats Nelly and Nina. I have spoiled them with love and dancing with them and just basking all this attention on them, that i think they missed me immensly because as soon as i walked in the door, yelling "i'm home" they came trotting down the stairs meowing. Nothing better than that.

I like being home, because i can lay out on the floor in the living room, equppied with a blanket, pillow and remote control, my mom sitting on the couch and my brother coming downstairs occasionally without feeling like this need to do something. When you are younger you forget or don't appreciate those moments when you are laughing with your family at some ridicuouls movie forgetting the sorrows of the world. I notice now that everyone seems to feel most accomplished, special, needed, when they are filled with something. Whether it be, going out everynight or working all hours of the day that they neglect to relax in the moments when you aren't filled with doing anything. When reading a book, while mom reads hers in the living room with music (ambient for her, classic rock for me when she lets me turn the channel) plays. It was relaxing, and falling asleep in my bed, with the cats resting on my legs where the sweetest hours of my days so far.

I remember when i first went to college, and i came home for the first time after living on my own "technically". I somehow had it in my mind that i was only a visiter in that place, and i felt a little uneasy because i was like "can i still put my feet up on the couch", until my mom gently reminded my that this was my home still, and treat it as such. This time thought it did not cross my mind and the uneasiness felt last year had evaporated as i jumped on the couch as if i had owned it. The visit cleared my head, it puts in prospective what i am accomplishing here, and how much my family believes in me enough that i can do this. Though they drive me crazy sometimes.

Though i didn't get to do nearly as much as i wanted to do this weekend, the fact that i spent it with them is well enough, and soon we will have fall break, thanksgiving and i will be home again.

I don't miss the bickering that takes place between my mom and brother though. I noticed this summer as we got into one of our "who are we mad at this summer romp" that as a unit we feel this need to be mad to at least one of us. Like one summer me and mom will be mad at my brother, my brother and i will be mad at my mom, they will be mad at me. It's this horrible cycle that we do and i don't think i realized it until this summer. And before we could even jump on the "who are we mad at this summer" routine, i put a halt to it. In mid argument with my mom and brother, this summer, i was like "do you notice we do this every summer, and i'm just so tired of going through it" and like that the argument stoppped. Not that we still don't disagree with each other, just that maybe it isn't so explosive like past summers. Though my brother is the king of confrentation and as some one who avoids it, it can be a drainer living with him.

Now time to rest

The most beautiful words i have ever heard....

"absoultley not", simple, to the point, and that almost made me cry.

College, though it is a place full of many diverse people, new challenges, and experiences that we will hold with us forever, there is just plan wackos out in the world, who wish to cloud our short time here with rhetoric.

These past weeeks there have been many religious fanatics around the campus. Only on Thursday they come in throve. Stackinng there claim on a corner, handing out pamphelts, holding up there signs, that we are all doomed to hell,except them of course. One guy was holding up at sign, saying in simple turns that we shouldn't get an education because the only true words are those written in the bible. I don't care if you are religous but i do care when you throw it in people's faces. Now i am not religious, but i know that i am a good person, and am not going to burn for getting an education or because i don't claim any faith.

Anyway, today i was walking to European history class, and notice this huge board with

Don't have Sex
Be Pure
Only Abstinence will save you

Pure crap. Next to all that poster was like 5 more talking about abortion and sodomy. It was insane. They had this big purple van, these posters perched up against it, and handing out whatever. My mouth was agape. Everyone pretty much ignored them, some people try to pick a verbal fight with them, but calmly they answer back and out of frustration the kid leaves. Some people picked the pamphelts out of just taking something, others just walked past. So there was a girl behind me, and the man with the sodomy pamphelts damning everyone but himself to hell was going to give one to her.

Evil dude: "DO you want one."
Girl:Are you kidding me...absolutely not.

I almost cried, it' s so hard seeing the world still filled with uneeded hate, and that there is a notion that we can't live life fully for our happiness. That eveything we do is wrong, and we are going to be damned for it. And though people ignored, or just took the pamphelt the fact that she said "absoluetly not" gives me hope that eveyone will see that our main goal is to achieve happiness in the world, to not take it so seriously and condem eveyone who doens't live up to this impossible biblical ideal. We can live up to who we are, doesn't matter about who or how we love, but what make out of this life. That is hard enough. Of course we can't do anything( i don't think) about them invading our campus, but they are kind of invading our space.

In other news:

Hopefully i will be going home tomorrow. I am so drained out of my mind.

I think my English teacher is starting to notice that i talk much in class. It's not that i don't have anything enlightening to say. It's just that i'm starting to figure out that i express myself better in writing then in speech. Today she was calling on all the quiet people to answer questions. Seeing that i sit in the front seat i couldn't shrink in my seat hoping i would just fade in the back. She didn't call on me though and hopefully the content of my free writes let her know that i am paying attention though i don't speak in class.

I have always been like this, even in Speech class, i never spoke unless i was giving a speech. I mean i talked to my friends in class, but as soon as he walked in i became quiet as a mouse. Such was the case last semester in English 101. I had an extremely nice teacher, he was pretty young, but made the class interesting. He too noticed that i didn't talk much, but when we did free writes he would comment on my writing and i think that makes the teachers like me, and why they don't really care if i don't speak that much in class, because I make it up with my writing.

It's not that can't completely express myself in speech, i am just more truthful in writing. When i do egage in conversations it's always this awkward girl, cursing under her breath in between sentences. It's hilarious on my part. Cause i'm real soft spoken and then accidently drop an F- bomb to fill in the convultedness of my speech. Everyone i do it in front of thinks it's funny. I just can't seem to express my emotion about things when talking to people, becausei feel my emotion will instantly be critized and have no merit. I'm so passionate about things that i feel like it's bursting through my pores, but i don't know how to express it in words, so i leave it for writing.

"Home is where i wanted to go"
I know tomorrow i will be extremely impatient during my classes tomorrow. I will be looking at my clock like crazy until 12:45.

On Monday i am going to meet the set designer for the movie. She wants to know all the ideas i have. Which are none at this point. I don't know if she knows that i've never done this before. So i have to come up with some idea of what certain shots should look like, i guess i should read the script once more through.

I'm not dropping Chemistry, i mean i didn't do so hott on the test, but i fight for everything else, i guess i should fight for at least a B in this class. My partner showed up for lab, though she still may be the worst partner in that class because of her flightiness. I just have to push myself, and if i want to pass, then i do whatever it takes to do so. Study more, go to the Library, get help from a tutor. Who knows.

I may not write till Sunday. So i'm trying to squezze everything in cause i know when i'm home, my mom is going to try to squezze everything we can possibly do in 2 days. She says she has empty nest syndrome, because we are extremely close and i guess it's still a little rough that i'm not there with her even though i have been going to school since last january. I miss being home too though, so i'm also going to squezze all the time out of them that i can also.

Until Sunday

Beckett A. Hughes

Contemplation.

To drop or not to drop that is the question.

Not to take a reference from Hamlet(?) but that question seems to be extremely relevant today. So i hate Chemistry, with a passion that fuels my soul, i despise it. We had a test on Monday and though i studied the whole weekend, the test only consiting of 20 questions doesn't leave much leeway when taking the test, because each question is five points each. He said the majority of the test were good, but if you made less than a 60 then you have two things to think about 1) maybe you should study better 2) maybe you should drop the course getting a W on your transcripts.

The whole day i have been biting my lip comtemplating what to do. I can't risk failing another class and my GPA looking crappy, but then i want enough credits next semester so i am considered a sophmore. I have no idea what to do....I mean i have a partner in lab who doesn't show up, the test will get harder, and whats worse, a 0.00 on my transcript or a W. But then again i hate being a quitter and i want to push myself to pass this class, i want to be caught up with everyone else in my year, instead of being 15 credits behind. WAY BEHIND. i could make a 4.0 this semester with all the rest of my classes, but that 0.00 would bring it down dramtically like it did last semester. And lab bites the bullet, i mean my partner didn't show up last week which meant that i was the only one without a partner and the last one to leave. And then she wasn't even in class today which makes it seem like i will be working alone today.

Its like being caught up in a catch 22, i know what i should do if i totally bombed the test, by my stubborness and belief that some how i will pull off a miracle, my partner will be there and i will become a chemistry genius by the end of this semester, prevents me from wanting to do that. I'll ask my mom what to do, even though i'm sure i know the answer will be. I'll have some idea what to do at 3. Until then i will be in a state of uncomfortable comtemplation.

Lost

...and no it isn't a reference to the show.

I'm starting to think that the first few moments when you wake up can determine your whole day. It isn't like thta I woke up on the wrong side of the bed thing, but more of a indescribable feeling that i will somehow try to described. After a lackluster study session last night for my european history test, which i literally feel asleep on, i woke up with a feeling of being lost. (i've never feel asleep while studying before so you can imagine how boring the stuff we are covering are that i woke up with a page stuck to my head).

When i went outside this morning i just had that feeling. Like someone was looking for me, because they had lost me along the way. I have this theory that we are all connected. That everything will eventually fall in to place, that we live on a gameboard called life. And the different turns and trek along the way either diverts us, or leads us to the end which is complete happiness. That can be when your 20, 30, 40, etc....Because everything eventaully falls into to place there are people out there who we will meet who will change our lives forever, but because we don't know them yet doesn't mean that somewhere in our subconsiousness we don't have some emotional conection with them. I thinkwe feel these connections on off days. Like someone out there right now is searching for me, and i haven't been found yet. Yes i gathered all these emotions by stepping outside my room today. It was an intense feeling not of dread because i was feeling lost, or even anxiety for not being found yet, but contemplation on whats next to come, and sense of feeling comfortable with the wait. I know it's totally absurb and probably makes no sense, but thats what i felt.

I had english this morning, and Mike was there. He took my seat, and i did the whole "now where the hell am i suppose to sit now" i noticed that he took my seat because his was a left handed desk and mine wasn't. Now of course we are in college and there aren't any assigned seats, but we notice that generally sit in the same place, because it's comfortable, ect.... I always think like "i wouldn't have done that, so why would he" but then i remember that people don't think like me, and put there interest before others. SO he took my seat, because he didn't want to sit in the left handed desk, sparing his comfort for my discomfort. What an A--hole. I didn't say anything to him, i didn't wait for him after class, i went on my own not only because of the chair, but the principle of the chair and the principle of his character before, after and the future with everything else.

It's okay being alone, i mean being lonely sucks, but i'm comfortable with being by myself sometimes, rather that than putting myself through relationship with crappy friends because of the notion that we need to have them. Combined with my feeling of being lost, i was more inclined today to not take his Sh*t, or anyone else's. There are so many more bigger things out there for me, and i know it won't always be crappy, and sad, and drawn out. And i have to go through this stuff for the bigger picture at the end, then i don't mind the wait. Because no one's lost forever, someday i'll be found.

Home

I'm not homesick, but i would have liked to go home this weekend. Though the last couple of weeks has been hectic with my mom, due to school expense, and the always underlying tension between my brother there is something about being at home, that makes all the other stuff meaningless.

We've only had each other for the majority of my life. My parent's got divorced when i was three, and though we were close our family in New York we were like the three amigos. Some surpassed connection of understanding from three loners in a way.

In New York we lived in a old time apartment building. It was an apartment which old actors from the +20's lived, and commuted from there to the city. It was a beatiful apartment. A long hallway that ended with the opening of this massive living room. There were French doors that my mother put up wrong, and thus swung the wrong way, there was the claw foot bathtub that at the time seemed like a swimming pool, and a balacony that overlooked our town. It was amazing. The three us felt the most safe in that apartment, like for once everything was working out.

When we moved it was tough mainly on me, my brother adjusted well, my mom didn't. So the house that we stay in now is like our safe haven from the world. Some how it has absurbed out aura and is a comfortable place to stay. Which is why my brothers friends don't want to leave and my mom has to kick them out.

In the morning i will come downstairs to my mother playing this weird ambient music which somehow soothes us all. It's just something about being home, i mean my house compensates for me not being "AT HOME" in Westchester. Like we have somehow brought it with us, and as soon as you open the door, all the worries and anxities fade away.

And not to technically quote the "overhyped yet watchable talkfest of 2 hours of my life spent looking at the time of how long i was sitting there spacing out becasue there was so much dialogue" called Garden State but Home is this weird place, because at a certain point of your life yo do realize that your home isn't your home anymore, i mean i haven't yet, but at a point i will. And all we will ever do is try to create that sense of home we had when we were younger.

Not that i don't love the weekends here, but i'm usually studying for something, trapped in this room or the library because something sooner or later is done. While i was walking back from Subway i notice that there seemed to be a lot of people outside. And i had that feeling like "something is happening" yet i have no clue what it is. I notice all the people wearing college t-shirt shoowing school proud which still escapes me, and i realize that there is a football today. Mike mentioned it yesterday but i don't really believe what he says so i just blew it off. So today i was a little taken aback by all the Cars whizzing by me with college flags raised.

One day i may get the whole point of being fanatically proud of the school i attend. But this isn't the school and it isn't the time. I was going to go to the movies tonight, but there is nothing worse than walking home at 10pm while drunk and a little buzzed from the game, and other things, kids roaming the streets. I do have Chemistry to study for, though i think TV has won that battle of importance at this moment.

Before i got my test back yesterday, i was nervous wreck. I mean the whole week had played out pretty crappy. Got fired, money woes, and such...So i wasn't expecting good news on Friday. Not that i assume that if Monday suck that the whole week will, but man it wasn't looking good. When i got to lab, my heart feeling like it was going to burst out of my chest, i nearly fainted at just the prospect of my failing this test. I was determined that if i bombed this one, then i would seriously have to consider dropping the course, cause i can't risk failing it again. Mike told me he was also thinking of dropping, seeing that he didn't take the first exam and calculating that he could make a 100 on the next three exams and still only make a C, he might be in trouble. I course was not going to admit my concerns to him, who would only then throw it in my face. I tell you i have great friends.

But he did tell me that i passed than he would keep the course. Thanks. base you whole academic career on me to give me a heartattack.

So we get our test back, but there are no grades on them. He sends us to the back of the room where the key is located and we mark the ones we got wrong. Just to check if there has been any mistakes on grading, Then we go up to him and he shows us the grade. But when it is my turn he doesn't see my name on the list which means he doesn't see a grade. I almost died. So i go down to the Head Professor of Bio 101, and she writes my grade on the grading sheet. B....I was more then excited. I saw thank you, walk out calmly and then Run down the hallway smiling like a dork. ( i didn't get my grade in Lab because i forgot to bubble in my SSN on the exam. Damn Bubble in's).

When i get back to lab i am smiling like an Idiot, telling Mike the news who now seems underinterested. He also claims that since i made a B on the exam he can make an A because somehow he is smarter than me. I just stare at him, like "Are you the most horrible person in the world, how do you make friends and i don't b/c friends wouldn't say something like that" but i don't say anything. After class we are talking about papers that are due next week for lab, i tel him that i don't know the website to go to to find a primary literature.

MIKE: No wonder you failed Bio 101
Me: [insulted, mouth agape. Silence] Excuse Me
MIKE: You don't know the website to find primary literature.
Me: No i don't... but you failed Bio also so what are you talking about.

I could have went on to say

"and you failed math also , and you have less than a 2.0 GPA and you didn't even take the First Exam this semester, which means you made less than the guy who made a 19. And you kind of plagarized my essay last year in English, and you hardly come to class, and you are horrible friend, or a really good enemy either one."

But i didn't say anything...though i did walk away from him, not saying goodbye. Sometimes i want to tell this kid off so bad, it's not even funny. Because i can't be mean to people, which always everyone to step over me. But that was so wrong what he said. Couldn't destroy the excitment from the B though, or the even bigger excitement when i got my last paycheck.

B

The lovely grade that i got on my Biology Exam.

More to say later, now I reward myself with a Burrito and chips.

I deserve it.

Taking Time Out

Maybe i need to mediate more.

Today was extremely busy, as most thursday are, starting with a lovely English in class essay at 8 in the morning. I think i may be a horrible with time. Though i have a lot of it now, i cant seem to contend for where all the minutes are going and before i know it it is really late at night and i have something do, or really early in the morning and i forgot some homework under the radar. Today was the latter. I woke up, knowing that something important was due but needless to say what that something was, was beyond me.(It was a Spanish assignment which i rushed and did really quickly). I did know that i had a In Class essay do today, and i was prepared for the wonderful task of BS-ing. It's a skill to be able to sit down, jot something down and get a reasonable grade with it. And that may have been what i did today.

Mike was there, as was everyone else showing up completely early and studying the poem assigned for us to write about. I wasn't really nervous but fretted on not knowing how to say what i wanted legibly to make it some masterpiece of work. With the professor treating me like her star pupil, i feel everyone's eyes on me as i we actually start writing. Like i have some big clue on how to write this paper using New Criticism. What Dread. Mike finished in like 30 minutes and then skipped(okay exaggeration) out of the room. I couldn't tell you now what i wrote, but it sounded good, and that has to count for something.

I'm started to think that my mind is cluttered with things, and i just need to find some time to just breathe. I don't want to have a nervous breakdown when i am 19, and notice that sometimes i don't just take that time to fully clear my head and just be in the moment. Maybe at some point or another i will have pinpointed the exact reason for my anxiety and such...

My "friend" called today. I may have stated that she only calls when it is convienient to her. I have been leaving things on my away message that document my days. Like the meeting with the Harvard Doctor, my spending sundays in October being a set designer for a indie movie and things. As soon as she thinks that i am in some leading a more eventful life then her, she calls me up to brag about all that she is doing. I don't like talking to her, but i have this thing where i feel indebted to the people who i make friends with. Like there is a loyalty to them so i put myself through this abuse.

As i figured that was all that she did while i was on the phone, basically bragging about how she is doing more and all the fun she is having....yadda yadda yadda. I'm starting to see that people who brag about things are usually not having as much fun as they say. Everyone has their mechanisms for getting through the day, maybe hers is toturing me. But i'm not her dormat anymore.

why can't i get it!

I feel so stupid. Like i am the stupidiest person in the world b/c i cannot comprehend science. At all.

Today i had chemistry lab, and everyone is assigned a partner. My partner was there last week, but today she didn't show up. You would think that someone would come to the lab that is only once a week.

So i'm standing there, watching everyone do the experiment as if they are chemistry gods. AND I DON"T GET IT. I have no idea what i am doing. The words on the paper appear to be in another language, i don't have a calculator and i forgot to do the pre-lab assignment. It's horrible. So i scribble down something for the pre-lab assignment, and try to do the experiment.

Of course, everyone grabs up the material, and i am left waiting for somone to finish the long ass experiment so i can use there things. While that is taking place i move on to the next two experiments. I keep asking the TA to help me, my shit isn't working, i'm missing all these materials, and my partner isn't there. Figure i get stuck with the partner who doesn't show up.

I end up being the last one to leave and once again just scribble something tangeable that i can get credit for. As i was in the lab, full of freshman, they are talking about the recent test that was taken in biology

Girl: i got an A on the exam, i mean i was so excited. I mean like he said the class average was 66, but you only needed a 65 to pass. What idiot couldn't pass this course. [insert semi snotty voice]

I'm hella nervous about the test, about chemistry and biology in general. I hate them both with a passion. A passion i tell you. And i don't understand why it isn't just clicking, why it so difficult for me.

Poster Girl with no Poster

It's strange not having to worry about going to work at 5pm, but of course i was not use to not know what to do, and i felt kind of restless the other day just sitting around.

It's like being in relationship with someone you dislike. He takes up a lot of time frustrating you, but once the relationship is over, and don't have that nagging thing following you, you have no idea what to do with your time.

Today was better, i was more productive. After having a disagreement with Mike about EMO AGAIN, i think i may have won one over by calling him pretentious. I'm so sick of him talking about his friends, and his love of Emo that i called him on it. Like why be in love with a music that has pinning children describing how they want to commit suicide cause there girlfriend broke up with them. There are so many bigger issues and i don't get it. These Emo kids swear they are alone yet they have like 30 friends on the IM, and they can afford a 300 dollar IPOD only to fill it with sad songs wbout how there life sucks. I don't get it. He complains that he is alone, and his life is sad yet he is driving in a porshe, he does not have to worry about finacial aid, and he has a friend who lives in a 5 story house with a sauna. Your life sucks why?

My voice silently raised, i was telling him my FEELINGS, thank goodness i'm getting somewhere, and that i think he is pretentious and so is his music. It felt good i can't have people push me around anymore, and i must branch out or will ever be surrounded bu them.

After that i had to go to a Pre-med meeting. With this free time now, i am able to join all these clubs. I was in it last year, but i never went to the meetings. They aren't like regualry meetings. They have speakers who come to this school and talk about Medicine or whatever. So i can go to whatever meeting that i want, at the end of my time here i will get a certificate saying that i was in this program. So I thought the meeting was a 8. I check my email only to find out that it is at 4, which leaves me 15 minutes to get all the way on the otherside of campus.

When i get there, there are old, snobby, rich, educated, doctors. I look a little out of place in a Bob Marley Tee and these weird checkered shoes i keep wearing. There are some students but for some reason kids love to sit in the back, i grab a seat in the corner and for the next 100 hours am dazing off. It was so boring, and nothing about medical school. It was about Health Care, and you could tell all the kids where getting restless, b/c chairs were squeaking. I'm doodling, when i'm not nodding off. The man next to me was so fidgety i thought he was going to jump out of his seat. I keep staring at this old man who was sleeping like full on, so i'm trying to supress laughter. After about an hour the meeting ends.

I hate taking elevators with people, so i take the stairs, sort of forgetting that i am on the 8th floor. So by the time i hit the main floor, my legs are tired and my head hurts from all the turns. As i walking back to my dorm, there was a boy walking close near me:

Backstory:
When i woke up this morning there was a letter in my email, saying that this dude was starting a club that watches unknown movies, and that he would like me to join. I said, well in the email, that i would. Later on that day i found out the boy who sent me the email was a boy in my art class who i may have had a crush on.

So anyway back to the story.
So i look behind and it's him. I have this weird thing of smiling when i see boy i like. I get like giddy and i want to just say something but i don't so i end up biting my lip. So we are walking like side by side now. I notice that he turns to go into my building though he doesn't live there, because i saw him at the building meeting and know that he doesn't live in my hall. Each hall has a card that we slide to enter, he waits for me to slide my card through and then opens the door for me.

Beckett:Thanks
Cute Art Dude: Your welcome

After i see him go in the opposite direction, b/c he came in the wrong door, i smile a little. So on Thursday i am going to his meeting, he's the president.

I guess the job thing was good. I mean i have more time to do things now, yes the money thing was good, but hopefully things will look up. I mean i know that won't be bad forever though sometimes it feels like the hits won't stop coming.

Maybe it's just a part of the process though. This life process.

And the Hits keep coming

Maybe in my past life i was a fighter, a fighter who knows how to take the punches without going down.

My dad and I's favorite sport is boxing. Yes i know a weird thing for a girl to like, but seeing to men trapped in this ring, fighting not to win but for pride and honor almost is just amazing. My favorite boxer is Wladmir Klitschcko, 1) becuase he's hot 2) but he's a great fighter. The problem with him though is that he has a weak chin, so whenever someone punches him, he's out. They say he has no heart just punch. His brother on the other hand Vitali, is not as strong but has the heart and a stronger chin then his younger and thus he is victorous. The point of this really weird comparison is that though i may not have punch, i have a whole lot of heart, and maybe with that i will be victorious.

I GOT FIRED

Now before we get all crazy, and yes the thought in my mind too, can this day get any worse, i have thought this over.

As i was leaving a episode of Oprah, and wondering what the hell i was going to do, i made my way to work. A short 5minute oridnary walk to my hell. On my way, i always look up at this DVD exchange place and wonder what they sell in there, like if the old DVD's are a dollar or by luck they would sell decent DVD's for 1.

Anyway as soon as i walk in my job, i notice that there is like 3 new people working. Busily moving around and being productive. I think it's weird since no one mention they were hiring new people. As soon as i walk in "dude who made me coffee" and also known as my Assistant Manager says we need to talk. Seriously at this moment i didn't think i was getting fired. But as we sit down in the window seat and he takes about 5 minutes to say something, all while giving me this puppy dog face. I kind of new that i was being canned

Coffee Dude: I like you
Beckett: [silence]
CD: But you can only still work M, T, TH
Beckett: pretty much, i have classes and clubs(and shows to watch)
CD: we need people who will work full time
Beckett: [silence]
CD: And you are a really cool girl, hella funny...
Beckett:[what is this my eulogy]
CD: But i don't think this is going to work out.

For a split second i was sad, and then i thought "WAIT I HATE THIS JOB"
So i give my little pout, stare off in the distance and listen to him ramble on about how cool of a person i am.

Thoughts that were going through my mind:
1) A dollar for a DVD is really cheap.
2) I could use a cafe right about now
3) Mmmm...Burrito
4) Cute dude with glasses eats in here
5) My lips are so chaped right now, would licking them at this moment seem inappropiate
6) Big Brother is a show that somehow i watch though it frustrates me. FRIENSHIP ALLIANCE FOREVER.

Just random stuff. After his whole speech, we shake hands, which i think is just weird for a boy to do who has picked me up before. I return all my stuff except of course for my shirt, and head out. Before i do he says that he hopes to see me around the place more often. I tell him i only eat Cold Sandwiches.

On the way back to my dorm, still not knowing how i took the news, i see the boy i have become friends with while i worked there. I tell him the whole thing, and he seems mad that they let me go, i hope we keep in touch and see each other around.

Left and right i am getting all these punches. And apparently i have a lot of heart, because it hasn't crushed me completely. I manage time and time again to rise to the occassion, and though i am battered and torn i am still here, and still fighting.

So now i am jobless, and have no money. Though i am still going to the movies on Wednesday. I can get more involved in the Pre-med community. Seeing that there are two meetings tomorrow that i will attend.

What makes me mad though is that they hired me knowing what i could work. B/c of that i gave up a job at the hospital which paid 17.5/hr just for me to work Friday. I felt like they wasted 5 weeks of my time, to just can me b/c school is more important than that job. I'm exicted about the free time and such, not that i know what to do with myself now, but i felt i could have been useful somewhere else that has more to do with my major, than at a sandwhich place that didn't want me.

Goodbye to fries, oil, washing dishes, cooler, the boss, scrubbing,heat, customers who don't know what they want so they make you wait for like 15minutes before they order, mopping, sweeping, burning my fingers, smelling like onion and fries at school, standing around wondering what to do next, chopping, and boredom,

I will miss the french boy and the other boy who i have seen around a lot. He's into computers and Chemistry. I suck at both. I will miss working with Jay, and hearing him complain more than i do. I will miss my free meal.

It's Insane or Maybe it's just me....

Still recovering from my little outburst to my mother on the phone. i just couldn't hold it in anymore...i don't know what it is. But for some reason there always seem to be this need for me to compensate for my family, while they continually disappoint me.

It's like that feeling when i was younger and my dad had promised to take my brother and i to the pool. We went over his house, wearing our bathing suits under our clothers, but he never took us. So for the whole day, we sat in our uncomfortable swim wear, trying not to let him see how uspset we were. Our when my aunt had promised to take us to Kid Zone( i forget what i was) and we never went. You never realize that extent in which your family severly damages you until...about now. And for once i am just sick of hearing all the promises.

From about the age of 3, i have been told that i wanted to be a doctor. But i have this underlying thought, that they injected that into me to make a better person out of me or something. Like how does a three year old assume that she wants to be a doctor. Needless to say throughout the years i have kind of become my family's only hope for breaking this cycle of being broke, dependent on men, or ending up in jail. You would think having that responsible, burden, weight onmy shoulder would somehow make me the apple of their eye. Not the case...i am just suppose to bend over backwards for people who i can't depend on. Who in some cases make me feel like...

I just don't understand how i am suppose to have this bright future when i barely get the support needed to sustain the hardship. Like i'm suppose to really well in two classes that i absolutely suck in, go to a job that i absoultely hate, hang out with a boy who judges me daily, take out all these loans that are going to be hell to pay back, try not to lock myself up in this room all day, socialize, sleep, eat, and not completely burn out by the end of the day, and then i have my mother saying that i can do more. When i'm the only one doing anything. My brother has become a total pot head, my dad hasn't called since my grandma died in June, my mom is always saying that i can trust her when obviosuly that isn't the case, and i'm cracking under the pressure. And i realize where all the stress is coming from. And maybe i do need to see somebody. Maybe do need to just let it all out. Cause it's bottle in and starting to tighten and soon will just bust and consume all that i am.

I hate having to admit that i can't do it alone. And that my family is the root of my anxiety and unhappiness. I mean they aren't the only thing that is causing this, but they are big part, and if i had a more stable venue to turn to family wise, it wouldn't be so bad. But i'm sick of this yo-yo thing that i am going through. Of being happy and then sad and well...

But that at the same time, i'm not suppose to be that girl to a therapist. A med student, maybe even a psychologist going to a pyschologist. Like what i am lacking, that i can't do it myself. Pull
myself out of this deep hole that has been dug by for me.

To be continued: i have to go to work.

2 Seconds Away from....

Screaming my head off into a pillow.

I may just have the most financially retarded(*inept*) mother in the whole entire universe. No offense to any mentally challened people b/c i know retarded is a degragatory word, but seriously my mom may just be financially retarded(*inept*). I mean my hands shaken b/c i am just so fed up of having to compensate for someone's lack of whatever.

So i've taken out three loans to pay for my school. I may just go to the most cheapiest schools in the whole United States, i gave up going to Pennsylvania for this crappy school, with it's crappy people, and mediocre education b/c she promised it would be easier and i wouldn't have to worry. Guess what, that isn't the case.

My deferrment was 1500 a month. Way expensive so i got it down to 1100 but taking another loan. My mom said that was too expensive so i got it down again by taken out another 2000 loan, getting my deferrment to 785 a month. Cheap as Hell, about the same we were paying last year. So i call her today to tell her the great news and she (after telling me that 700 would be a awesome deferrment) says that she doesn't have the money for friday and can i possibly take out another loan to get it down to some ridiculous price that someone in a worse off position can pay for.

WHAT THE HELL HAS SHE BEEN DOING SINCE AUGUST.

Wouldn't the smart thing to do, is put money aside every paycheck so when the 16th of the month rolls around you have the money. And then she wants me to take out another loan. Promising that she will help me pay it back.

I DON"T TRUST MY MOM.

I am so angry right now, like how much more can i do, before someone (meaning her) puts in the effort so i don't have a heartattack when i am 19 years old. I can't even trust my parents, i am so fed up with them and every other negative person who has infected my life. I want to scream to the heavens about why i have to go through all this shit. Like what horrible thing did i do in my past life to be iinvolved with all these people i can't rely on, and who drive me insane.

And then people wonder why i am guarded,b/c at this point the only person i can trust is myself.

The Fragile

Today was emotionally draining.

I'm feeling completely misplace today. Not even in the way that i talk about often, but in that "did i leave the oven on" way. I am searching for something but i just don't know what that something is.

I love how people say that they have the best friends in the world. That they couldn't live without them, etc. I clearly am not that person, and i would like to nominate myself for having the Worst group of Friends Ever. I deserve an award, a vacation, and possibly a therapist.

So my only friend at college Mike drives me crazy. Maybe i just expect so much out of the people that i am around, that i get frustrated when they don't really pan out, like i invisoned in my mind.

So there is this stupid psychology test, where it's like a 100 question test which tells you all about yourself, You can be an ISTP, INFJ, INFP, ESTJ, , ENFJ....ect. I am one of those 5, but i don't want to tell which one, could it could bias to anyone who has not taken the test. I tooke the test when i was in the 9th grade for a class. And i found out, that this particular characteristic is uncommon. My teacher was taken by surprise when he found out that there was "one" in his class.

I mean though i hate to think that a test can completely get who i am, this one did. It was as if someone has read my mind, journal, and put it in a book, and said "here we have you figured out now shutup about it."I was freaked out by how accurate it was. That i present a calm face to the world, but clearly have internal struggles, which i know right now sounds completely generic but there was so much more. My fear of getting in a relationship because the world will make it bad, which i wrote exactly in the last entry. It's astounding.

So, here i am now in college, and meeting Mike i told him about the test. I told him that my type was pretty rare, and instantly he jumped on me about it. When he took the test he too was the same type, but knowing myself, i know that couldn't be. He took the condensed version which is like 4 generic question. So i disagreed with him. Instantly(this was last year) he like

Mike: You are just mad b/c that doesn't make you seem unique anymore
Me: It's not about being unique, no one is unique, you aren't an I--- , a lot of people mess up on this short one, you have to take the 100 test one or it won't count.

For the next week, he tried to convince me that i wasn't an I---. He would say things like. You don't like peppironi, than you can't be an I---, or "you don't want to have kids at 18, than clearly you aren't an I---. It hurt my feelings, i barely have a grasp on who i am, and here is someone who is telling me that i'm not what i now that i am.

He took the test over the weekend(still last year) and he came back on Monday telling me that he was an...INFJ. Not what i am, close but not that close. You would think that would be the end of it....but no. He then started bragging(about a personality test) that his was better and more unique than mine, and that i was a liar b/c i had not recently taken the test. Heartbreaking.

I don't completely know who i am, but i know the foundation of who i am, and to have someone who i only known for a couple of months question that is...hurtful.

So now we are back to today, and Mike brought the Please Understand me book, which is like the Bible to this personality test. I instantly gravitated toward it, reading this astounding personality description of myself. It means more to me than it did when i was in the 9th grade. Everything is spot on, my troubles with the opposit sex, my need for being alone, but my complexity when feeling like i don't fit in. And then he starts with it again.

Are you sure you are a I---, i mean you don't seem like one. You seem to think more on a statisical way than an emotional way. I am a WALKING a emotional headcase. I think you are ISNP. Then he wants me to go take the test, like right there, right now. And when i refuse to he says it's becauise i fear that i won't be it anymore. Like my personality has somehow changed.

I hate having to defend myself...well not really defend but having to prove myself to someone else. Like why can't you just take me as i am and not question. Which almost all my "friends" have done since i've been here. He says that i am not emotional enough, that b/c i don't show my emotion that i'm an I---. That because....he gave me this senerio that was crazy

Mike: they say my relationships are like Romeo and Juilet
Me: so your going to fall in love with a 14 and then die
Mike: no, but that i would die for her
Me: not me
Mike: that's so cold, you are not an ----
Me: Listen, love is this weird thing, and i'm not going to die for someone who i just may be in like with
Mike: so you wouldn't die for someone?
Me: for one individual person...NO. For a group of people for a cause, in a heartbeat.
Mike: so if you are in a convience store and it is being held up and he says that he is going to shot someone you wouldn't get shot for that person.
Me: no.
Mike: Then you are not an I---.
Me: i would die for the safety of my family, for a cause that would help a lot of people, but i can't do that if i sacrfice myself for one individual that i have never meet before.
Mike: What happen if you knew him.
Me: He'd have to be one hell of person for me to do so, and at this moment...no

I'm a very guarded person, and i don present a calm pleasant facade to the world, but underneath that i am vulnerable. And i don't express myself in speech as i do in writing, but that doesn't make me cold....it just makes me guarded.

The conversation didn't end there. We were walking to his class, and we were talking to some boy in the hall about music or what not. They were talking about the Beatles and i brought up the fact the "N" had compared me to the song Yellow Submarine. I still don't know why, but Mike said that it was probably cause to "N" i was like a high to him. Which i never considered before, sweet almost in a way to use a Beatles song to analogize how you feel about me, but b/c i was a high to "N" then i clearly can't be an I---.

Tell me don't have the greatest friends.

I left feeling drained.

Completely about to cry for having myself judged.

I just have become so guarded...i mean i always have been. It's easier for me to write down feelings than having to completely explain them to people. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, just a very long sleeve, that through layers will be reached. But b/c i'm not a walking label, or feel this intense need to share my ever waking feelings with anyone, except those who read this blog, does not mean that i'm not sensitive, that i'm not feeling based. I feel so much, it hurts. I've become numb to it, b/c i feel things ten fold...and that is why i am completely sad right now. Completely misunderstood, tired, and just confused not because of this unsureity of who i am, just because the world doesn't care about the beauty in me to see behind the layers.

My aching Bleeding Heart

Mike keeps talking about Emo, thus the very depressing title that has nothing to do with this entry.

Emo, for those who don't know, is a sappy, depressing, overdramatic genre of music about how much one's life sucks. Even for me, it's complete garbage, but he's taken on the scene with full force. I think i stated in an early entry i stated that Mike is always talking about his other friends, as if i'm just his pretend friend until they graduate highschool. Which is weird that a college boy still hangs out with 11th graders, but regardless they are Emo kids also. I think it's stupid to have a label for yourself, like you are so devoid of any individuality that you must attach yourself to be a part of the clan, but i'm starting to think that is the way of the world and some of us are just meant to be clanless.

Along with this whole Emo obsession and stating that the All American Rejects are the best band in 20 years, which i completely disagree with, he wrote a poem that was four pages long, and wanted me to take a look at it. In my mind i grimace, i hate poetry and i don'y want to tell him that i would rather not read his long poem about i don't know, but trying to be a good pretend friend i read it.

It went something like: He has a crush on a friend who doesn't know that he has a crush on her and simply doesn't see the signs that he is totally devoted to being her everything. He pillow for her to rest her head, a shoulder for her to cry on, and something totally referring to intimate realtions and such.

Now the first thing that popped in mind was "damn this poem is really long, maybe i can just skim the poem and pretend like i liked it" The next thing was "God, i hope this isn't about me", which i don't think it was but still, that isn't happening, he is not on my agenda, and we are friends. Not that there's anything wrong with liking me, but not going to go in uncharted territories with him.

I always seem to attract the boys i don't want. Tuesday, French boy came in again, i'm starting to think he's complete niceness is b/c he has manners and not b/c he is madly deeply in love with me. He came in with a couple of his friends, and periodically i couldn't help but stare over at the table and wish i was among them. LIke why can't i get the smart, nice, cute in a quirky way boy to pawn over me. Instead of the stalkerish, boys who i do not like.

The other day i was walking back to my door, and this random jockish dude was like

"Hey, how you doing?"

Scanning me up and down

"i'm doing good"

"where you going?"

"i gotta study"

"Hope i see you around"

Red flags flew up everywhere. I instantly pressed my notebook to my body, as if it would guard me against his animalistic scan of me, and headed back to my dorm. I don't think Mike likes me, but i am use to having friends begin to like, and then i start becoming fearful of impending relationships so i shut them off, and retreat.

I was friends with a boy named Peter who i kind of liked. He was smart, and played the cello, and the guitar and like the Goonies. The moment i thought he liked me back, i wouldn't talk to him. Clearly i have problems with getting to close to people. I know that if i had a boyfriend i would be dependent on him for emotional support. I feel like telling them "you don't want me, sure i look pleasant, shy, nice...but i'm a complete headcase, who gets sad sometimes, who needs you to be their without always being there, i'm trying to save you now, before you are searching for a way out later on in the relationship"

It's self destructive i know, but in a way it's of protecting myself of potential heart ache, blame that on "N". But then there are some days when you want to completely have someone pawn over you. Stupid stuff, like brush the hair out of your face, kissing on the cheek at odd intervals, and reading the news together in the paper, discussing the interesting one's that pass you by.

I do hate love, but sometimes you just are taken by it's beauty. I'm so afraid of it being spoiled by the world, that i deny myself the ability to recieve love from a boy. I think it would hurt to much.

Enough of that

I called my friend the other day, my weird friend who only calls me when she is bored. Like i am her puppet to amuse her when deemed fit . I don't usually call her, not because i'm a horrible person, just that i'm not much of a talker on the phone. So she calls me about 95% of the time. So yesterday i decided that i would be the one to call for a change. That i would make an attempt to keep the always hard "high school" friend relationship. When i called her though she totally blew me off. Like i was annoying her. She wasn't in class, she was just having lunch and her words were short and crisp. I realized then that all my friends are strangers. I mean
A) in the literal sense
B) in the few friends that i have sense.

Focusing on B, there is this horrible thing called Myspace. You may have an account, you may not. I had one a long time ago, but it seems a little pretentious to go on a site like a personal add almost. I think you just want to have the most friends on your friends list. Some say they do it to keep in touch with old friends, i say use a phone, letter, etc...but we are in a new age. A age of the internet.

I have some highschool friends on my IM, we were in AP English together, and because of our dislike of some of the people in our class (Us vs. Them) we exchanged IM information. Yesterday as i was on his screennamed popped up. I didn't even know who it was, reading his away message which had links to his myspace account, i was shocked at this new person i had seen. He looked totally different, he was changed. Among his friend list were many other people who i had gone to high school with. And you recognize that all these people are strangers to you now. They are leading entirely different and separate lives.

Once again i had the feeling of being trapped in my ever present living in the past state, and my refusal to move forward. They are all strangers, even my friend who i called yesterday, different in a way. I'm different too. Just a little realization that i had yesterday.

All My Friends Are Strangers.

enough said.

TEST!!!!!

I was never a person who got worried about taking test. I actually think i do better on test than if they were to just gove us a fill in the blank sort of thing. But biology always makes me nervous. Especially with my horrible performance last year with it.

I studied hard over the weekend though. So i took many breaks to get a burrito or simply to watch tv, but i pretty much felt comfortable with the material to not become crazy about it.

It's unitl those few moments before you step into the lecture hall that you get nervous. It's something about a piece of paper with 33 questions on it, which can determine if you fail or pass a course which is nerve racking. It become even more nerve racking when you are sitting next to nervous students who look as if they might through up at the sight of it.

Mike didn't show up to English class today, and i didn't see him in biology either. How someone can manage to miss an exam is beyond me. The first thing we learn here is that unless someone has died or you yourself are knocking on deaths door, you make an exception to coming to exams. Snot and all. Trust me he isn't sick, but he went away for the weekend to like bunjee jump or something, and i can't wait for the excuse he makes up, or if he even knew there was an exam today.

Anyway, after scanning the room for his face, i gave up, took my seat and pulled out my notes. I don't really pull out my notes b/c i am trying to crunch cram, but really cause everyone else has them out, which instantly makes me think there is something i am messing. Maybe there is actually more on the test than i studied for.

People study out loud, which messes up the whole process. I think i may wear headphones for the next exam, b/c other people's thought process can screw up yours. The professor comes in rolling this cart full of test. The room becomes quiet.

You can see the fear in people's eyes, as he holds up the paper, mouths are becoming dry, and there may have been a total breakdown in the corner, who knows. And then the test are given out.

I don't know whether the test was hard, or just that the questions were tricky. You had to think about them and work them out in your head. When people start getting up, you become worried that you are too slow and the first instinct is to rush through it. I took my time, after finishing reading over the questions to make sure that i had done them right.

I didn't leave feeling like i had bombed, just left feeling OK. If Ok is passing than that's great. The material that hard, but i'm saying that now. We'll see on friday.

Crimes Against Humanity

I have an English class at 8 in the morning. This class is soley based on poetry, which i don't really like, but i respect. But today in class we totally salughtered the meaning of this man's poem, and i am left feeling disgusted.

We work in groups a lot, and for some reason 8 people didn't show up, so when we worked in groups today each group had about 8 people and each group had to analyze a poem. We got a poem called "Photograph of my father in his twenty second year". I thought it was an awesome poem, and i had found so much symbolism out of it. But the group destroyed the poem. I mean the came up with this generic universal theme of the things our parents do in the past, are what we will also do. Like our parents partied once so we will also. My mouth was agape.

Here is this wonderful poem about...well read it sometimes it's good, and all they had to say about was that. I mean to say they slaughtered the poem would be an understatemenrt. At first i was the only one throwing idea's out. I had to like start the group off cause we sat there in silence for like 5 minutes staring at each other. So i interjected:

In this moments i hate having to take charge, but i can't sit around and just watch everyone nod off into dream land, so i decide taht someone had to said something though i didn't really want it to be me.

ME: What do you guys think the poem is about

Group:[blank faces, and one drooping head]

Me: So lets look at the poem.

We look at the poem and then stare at it and each other for another awkward 5 minutes.

Me: Does anyone have a thesis statement

Boy:[i assume is he very nice, but he came up with this on the surface thesis statement] maybe it's about how his dad was a partier and he never knew that before and now he sees it.

Group:[seem to clamor to this idea b/c maybe it is the only one anyone provided]

Me: but what about the imagery of lack of courage on the fathers part, the image of yellow, no spine, october.

Boy: Well that can all play in to the idea.

It was sealed right then, the group would just go with this idea. I was so disgusted. This man had written this good poem about preceptions and lost idealism in your parents and all they got out of it was his dad was a partier and the son would be one too.

It's a crime i tell you, to take such good work and in 30 minutes turn it into garbage. I felt so dirty. Like we had spit on the work and meaning that the speaker was trying to convey. I couldn't even look at my group. I was like "can't you see what we just did". "don't you feel as i do, completely mortified."

But of course i said nothing, and moped the rest of the class period. Now we have to present this to the class on thursday, and i'm completely embarassed.