Still recovering from my little outburst to my mother on the phone. i just couldn't hold it in anymore...i don't know what it is. But for some reason there always seem to be this need for me to compensate for my family, while they continually disappoint me.
It's like that feeling when i was younger and my dad had promised to take my brother and i to the pool. We went over his house, wearing our bathing suits under our clothers, but he never took us. So for the whole day, we sat in our uncomfortable swim wear, trying not to let him see how uspset we were. Our when my aunt had promised to take us to Kid Zone( i forget what i was) and we never went. You never realize that extent in which your family severly damages you until...about now. And for once i am just sick of hearing all the promises.
From about the age of 3, i have been told that i wanted to be a doctor. But i have this underlying thought, that they injected that into me to make a better person out of me or something. Like how does a three year old assume that she wants to be a doctor. Needless to say throughout the years i have kind of become my family's only hope for breaking this cycle of being broke, dependent on men, or ending up in jail. You would think having that responsible, burden, weight onmy shoulder would somehow make me the apple of their eye. Not the case...i am just suppose to bend over backwards for people who i can't depend on. Who in some cases make me feel like...
I just don't understand how i am suppose to have this bright future when i barely get the support needed to sustain the hardship. Like i'm suppose to really well in two classes that i absolutely suck in, go to a job that i absoultely hate, hang out with a boy who judges me daily, take out all these loans that are going to be hell to pay back, try not to lock myself up in this room all day, socialize, sleep, eat, and not completely burn out by the end of the day, and then i have my mother saying that i can do more. When i'm the only one doing anything. My brother has become a total pot head, my dad hasn't called since my grandma died in June, my mom is always saying that i can trust her when obviosuly that isn't the case, and i'm cracking under the pressure. And i realize where all the stress is coming from. And maybe i do need to see somebody. Maybe do need to just let it all out. Cause it's bottle in and starting to tighten and soon will just bust and consume all that i am.
I hate having to admit that i can't do it alone. And that my family is the root of my anxiety and unhappiness. I mean they aren't the only thing that is causing this, but they are big part, and if i had a more stable venue to turn to family wise, it wouldn't be so bad. But i'm sick of this yo-yo thing that i am going through. Of being happy and then sad and well...
But that at the same time, i'm not suppose to be that girl to a therapist. A med student, maybe even a psychologist going to a pyschologist. Like what i am lacking, that i can't do it myself. Pull
myself out of this deep hole that has been dug by for me.
To be continued: i have to go to work.
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