Can I have the defintion please?

I head back to school (for the final time ever) on Sunday. Despite having to wake up at 8 for a sociology class followed by a Art Criticism class followed then by work ( i need money so I'll see the library again for another month) i am looking forward to being on campus.

I like summer classes way more than fall or spring. They are easier, the class size is usually smaller, and hardly anyone is on campus so i get to be anxiety free for a while. Even with my nice new desk at home, i don't get much writing done here (as you may or may nor be able to tell). The bed is just too tempting and i have fallen in love with the history channel and it's marathons.

I HAVE been filling out some applications though, and searching for some internships along the way. I have in the last week submitted two Cover Letters to two separate publishing companies ( i have about six more of these things to write), and now the waiting game begins.

It's a lot harder than i thought. A part of you wants to lie so much on those things. Like if you make yourself sound like the shit someone will have to hire you. But then you remember that like most lies they eventually come out and you don't want to start any business relationship with a lie. Filling out applications for me has been like watching a romantic comedy. It's like the book publishing company is the attractive girl in the bar/club who i really want to talk too and possibly have a relationship with. As the guy, i'm in the corner all awkward and nervous with a handful of my other friends ,wanting to strike up a conversation with the girl that could lead to something else. Upon approaching her however i have to figure out what she would be interested in.

The artistic sensitive type, the macho type, or something totally left centered.

The ball is totally in her court, and i just hope what i have to offer is what she wants to hear.

I'd hate being a dude, if it's anything like applying to jobs.

Interestingly enough, i have been looking at this wicked awesome internship in the city. There is a radio podcast called THIS AMERICAN LIFE which is the best thing i have heard since Gavin Degraw singing I want to "love you more than anything". I don't really know how to explain what type of radio show it is. It's like a documentary on tape. I listen to this thing every week and it's amazing. Funny, serious, educational, it's awesome.

There internships run for 6 months, and the work hours are long but i guess it wouldn't look bad on an application. Who can turn down "Yeah i worked for a nationally accredited radio show, winner of the Peabody award". If that doesn't sound hott, i don't know what does.

I'll be back to regular posting on Monday. Sorry for the lag, May seems to do that to me.

Now back to Scripps National Spelling Bee. This is like the best competition in the whole entire world. Smart kids spelling words i have never seen before...RATINGS GOLD. Smart kids struggling to spell difficult words i have never heard before...PRICELESS.

The Dentist

It is no surprise that eight years after my first big tooth problem (root canal or DIE) that i would again have to face similar problems that must be corrected in order for me to have a shiny, and perfect smile.

When i was in the eight grade (which may not have been eight years ago, but the number seems close enough) I had the most horrible pain in my mouth. Like Killer. Had it not been for me urging my mom to take me to the dentist, i think she would have told me to drink some warm water with salt and call it a day.

When i got there, the dentist informed us that an old filling had gone bad, and the tooth would either have to be pulled or i would have to undergo an root canal. Because of my mom's own experience with a root canal she all but stomped on that idea and my poor tooth was yanked.

During Spring Break (of this year) i noticed a sharp pain in my mouth. Not anything that i couldn't handle of course, but still painful enough that i knew I'd have to make another visit to the dentist. It's not that i don't like having my teeth checked out, but there is something unnerving about having someones fingers in my mouth.

My dentist is hott shit though. He's this middle age, slightly over weight goofball with a cherubic face and cheesy grin. But he's funny, and all around a nice guy who once gave me a sticker even though i was 15.

I went to him a couple of weeks ago, only to learn of more root problem. SHIT. It's nothing major but i have to get my babies cleaned professionally, so i don't have further complications down the road. Despite seeing the movie The Dentist and Dr. Giggles at a fairly young age, I'm not frightened of dentists, I just think there job is horrible (no offense to anyone whose a dentist). It's something i could never see myself doing. On a list of jobs i never want to have, dentist and car dealer are in the top 2.

Having fingers in mouth is one thing, but spending all day with my fingers in someone else's mouth makes me want to gag. I put my weird dentist thing behind me yesterday as i recruited my mom to wait with me in the office. She kept telling me the whole way there that waiting rooms are boring and she didn't know if she could sit in their that long. We bantered the whole way there "it'll be really quick" "I can't it's so BORING" "you can read my book" "Or i can go home and watch CNN" "Really CNN over me" "Please don't make me choose"

I like these moments when our roles are indecipherable. Anyway as soon as we walked into the office there were two people at least in their 70's and a bored kid in his teens sitting down. Honest to god my mom then whispered "Nope. Can't do it. I'll see you later". She did stay however, but fell asleep in the waiting room.

As i figured, having someones fingers in my mouth was as weird as i imagined. Before the weirdness though i had to get my mouth X-rayed. They put this alien probe contraction in my mouth and asked me to bite down on it. Unfortunately for me, my mouth is pretty small and i felt like i was choking. I guess she (the other dentist in the office) didn't notice because she snapped the X-Ray while i was trying to dislodge the thing. She came back a few minutes later asking if i had moved during the x-ray, which i said "No, i don't know what happened"

After the X-Ray, she applied some weird minty gel to my mouth, which was suppose to make my gums go numb. This is where the brain becomes an amazing thing. Though my mouth was numb during the whole process, the noiseof metal against teeth makes you think you are feeling pain. During the whole scrapping, cleaning, rinsing, pulling thing i keep thinking "This should hurt. Why isn't it hurting? Maybe i am so filled with agony that i can't feel anything anymore. What was that noise? Is she pulling on my gums? My god i think that's my gums. This has to HURT."

Needless to say she kept giving me the numbing medicine because i kept telling her it hurt.

About halfway through, with her fingers completely in my mouth, a couple of her co-workers began talking about American Idol. There was this skit with Gladys Knight and the Pips (who just happened to be Jack Black, Ben Stiller, and Robert Downey Jr.). It was pretty funny, and my new dentist and her co-workers were having a fun time talking about it.

"Did you watch American Idol?" she asked, but i thought she was talking to someone else. She asked the question again, and i finally realized she was talking to me. This question wouldn't have been a problem if i didn't have about a million things in my mouth. I wanted to say "yes i did see American Idol last night. And the skit was really funny. I'm glad David Cook beat out that other kid"

But what i ended up saying was "Suasdibcnalsdudsbsxnnizdgisuafsopcdsmjcsjasbbcsajks". Followed by drool. GROSS

I have to go four more times before the summer lets up and the dentist people are making a killing on my bad roots ($500!!!). What a girl will do for a pretty and healthy smile. GEEZ.

Time to rest my swollen and aching gums.

Ugly Beckett

On Friday i headed to the book store (the one that has yet to call me about a job) and decided to do some research for the job market i plan on entering.

The bookstore has aisles of potential magazines and book publishing companies that i may want to work for. And plus i got to have coffee while i was doing all this.

So far all i know is that i don't want to end up working at clothes store post college. It seems like a complete waste to spend four years earning a degree just to fold clothes at The Gap. Despite getting the coveted merchandise discount, it's not what i want to do with my year off.

The best opportunity for me rests in the arms of the many publishing companies located in the northeast. This ranges from your basic book publishing company to assistant positions with magazines that I regularly read.

Ideally i would land a job in the editorial department as some assistant to somebody. It would be challenging of course, tiring perhaps, but i would learn a lot about publishing. This job would be an asset when i apply to graduate school. I mean The New School has a whole class on writers and publishers. I guess the class will teach the writers how to handle the aspect of publishing that comes with completing a work.

If i land a job at a publishing company i can literally learn first hand about that stuff, and sometimes i need to be smacked in the face with the "real world" in order to really grasp it. In my mind i know it isn't easy to write something and get it publish (unless you are Stephen King), and being able to see what the process looks like (and make a little money while i do so) can't hurt.

I have all but put New Haven on the back burner for now. After a talk with my uncle (who besides being a funny drunk has some interesting things to say) who suggested that getting a job first should be top priority instead of apartment hunting, my plans have changed. My conversation with him with something like:

"I don't want you calling me from the bus station saying you just got kicked out of your apartment because you don't have a job yet to pay your rent".

God i love my family. Besides using his scare tactics, he did have a valid point. I don't really have a job lined up for New Haven or the City. Geez i don't even have a interview locked down. I do have a resume ( from last summer) but the all important COVER LETTER is non existent. My fashion saavy aunt and her non potty trained baby said i could come stay with her for a couple of weeks in White Plains (just outside the city) until i land something. By then i will have sent out all my CV's and resumes to publishing companies in the city or in the surrounding areas.

I hate that i don't know what i want to do. I am not as lucky as Marie, who had a Pig Farming calling. I know with a lot of grammar revisiting, i can do this whole writing thing. But i didn't know there was so many things i could do with writing.

Lately i have been reading Thomas Kohnstamm memoir, travelogue, or confessional "Do Travel Writers Go to Hell". It's a pretty hilarious book for a guy who kind of hates his job. He's an attractive 30 something, who really hated his clerical job and decided to become a freelance writer for Lonely Planet. Basically LP gives you a small advance to be a travel writer. You can tell he's trying to give you a 101 reasons why being a travel writer sucks...but of course I'm intrigued by the idea.

As i flipped through several magazines, books, and How To Guides the possibilities of my writer career overwhelmed me.

Possible Entry Level Career #1: Beckett the...TRAVEL WRITER?
Despite only traveling on the East Coast, i am in love with the idea of traveling. I have this intense need to see the whole world, be immersed in the culture, and get out of the comfort of the USA. Travel writing may be my niche. I am a conscious traveler, i too read those horrible travel guides, and hey...i could finally get some traveling under my belt. But traveling won't be a luxury if it's a job. The pay is pretty shitty, the time away from family and the friends i have yet to make could be a bummer, and i have to have some experience traveling before i can travel.

Possible Entry Level Career # 2: Beckett the....FASHION WRITER?
A lot of the magazine jobs i have been looking at are fashion oriented. The idea is almost laughable. I have the fashion sense of a...poor college student. I do however read GQ likes it the bible. I have interest in men's fashion because men in hot suits is sort of a turn on. Ask me what is popular in men's fashion and i may have the answer, ask me what is popular is women's fashion and you will most likely get my very confused face. However in the high world of fashion i would feel...like a dork. I mean this could be A Devil Wears Prada or Ugly Betty venture for me, but i don't know if I'm up for the task. I imagine being surrounded by a room full of girls dressed like they know fashion and me in my converse and THE STROKES t-shirt.

Possible Entry Level Career # 3: Beckett the...MUSIC /ENTERTAINMENT WRITER?
Oh yeah. I'm secretly a 80's metal head. I know a shit load about music and movies, and it would be interesting to review something other than books. Other than country and mainstream rap, i listen to everything. Of course i would probably be able to write a piece about Gavin Degraw and Sufjan Stevens better than some other artist but you get what i'm saying. There aren't really any cons to this one except that there are probably a lot of post grads hoping to land a job at some Rolling Stones type magazine.

Possible Entry Level Career # 4: Beckett the....FOOD, WINE, YADDA YADDA
Need i say more.

As i fill out this editorial positions for all the entry level careers listed above (which in actuality have less to do with writing and more to do with getting someone coffee) i feel like these positinos are so way out of my league. I don't have any experience with anything editorial except sheer enthusiasm. But I don't know how good "really excited about working here" will look on my application.

Right Now Random House and Harper's Collins are the two publishing companies i am looking at. They specifically hire recent college grads, and though i doubt i will get to write anything beyond "get 5 coffees, 3 danish, and a low fat thingy" being an assistant doesn't seem to bad. At least it will give me some time to figure out what kind of writing i want to do.

Moving Up!

Marie is moving today....far far away from home.

After deciding "not" to go to vet school, she opted to take some job with some big company in her field. Did i mention that her field is animal science, and that this company deals with pork. Oh yeah, her dream job.

Actually i don't know how excited or unexcited she is about this job, i couldn't get much out of her about the job when we hung out. We met up yesterday for a "going away" day. I admit, besides the first year of college, Marie and I have not hung out that much. I rarely make the attempt to pull her from her friends when I'm in town. Sometimes i have felt like an inconvenience when i call, so eventually i just stopped calling her altogether and decided if she wanted to talk to me she could call.

I've been home almost 2 weeks and have avoided her phone calls. The first week was pure R & R and then for mother's day weekend i spent 3 "full filled" days at my grandmothers house. My very social grandma threw a mother's day party on Sunday for family and friends, where my mom endlessly pimped me out to relatives. It was pretty hilarious hearing her tell everyone in her vicinity that i was "graduating soon and that money always makes a nice gift".

We got back into town on Monday, and since then have been cruising around town wanting to spend money but realizing that we have to save so i can move somewhere in August. Marie called me sometime during this two week period, but I've just been ignoring her calls or texting her. I finally got in touch with her on Sunday to only find out she was moving officially on Thursday.

In March, when she went to the job interview, she looked at some apartments in town. 2 months later and she has a 2 bedroom duplex waiting for her arrival. She says the town she is moving to is sort of like a college town, so there will be enough people her age to hang out with. When she picked me up yesterday, all we talked about was her new move. Which i wouldn't have had a problem with if it didn't seem like she was selling me a used car.

"It's going to be great!" "I'm going to make so much money I may never want to go back to school!" "I live only 25 minutes away from a law school!!!". I mean of course she admitted that she was nervous about the move and the job but then she would say "But I'm going to start with a 50K income!".

We didn't do anything spectacular yesterday. We went to Target to look for a polka dot dress (which i have been obsessing about lately). Then we drove to some car dealerships because she is getting a new car for her graduation present. After being hounded by car dealers we went to the bookstore to look over the car brochures and talk about...her move again.

She is mainly concerned with meeting people. She feels meeting people at work will be problematic, because,well, how many 20 somethings are looking for pig jobs. Apparently she is going to be a semi-boss over people (but in all honesty i don't think she really knows what her job is). She feels that as a boss you shouldn't be friends with your co-workers. Whatever.

She met most of her friends in class and now because she isn't in school any more, she is afraid of being alone. Plus, a recurring theme for her is that she wants to date more. Like the new winner of America's Next Top model (the other girl should have won) Marie is a "full figured girl". She's tall and hippy which means she looks bigger than she really is. She also gained a shit load of weight during college and is a little self conscious about her clothing.

While we were at target looking for the polka dot dress she went on and on about wanting to have a dating life (Who doesn't). She doesn't wanted something serious, just a few dates with hot boys. I wish a dating life was my only concern post graduate career, but I'm not so lucky.

It was a weird visit. I didn't feel like she was moving away, but like she was just going back to her apartment and that i would see her again in just a few short days. I know we will still be friends but there was something "real" as she drove away to her new life. Graduating college is really the beginning of our new lives, and some days it is more scary than exciting.

Nostalgic for a place you thought you'd never miss

I wish i could say that i have been doing something incredibly cool and time consuming my first week home.

That i finally got my drivers license and took that road trip i have been dying to take. That i started my Jack Kerouac inspired journey, with only a few books and a little money to get me by.

But that would be a lie. And lying ain't cool.

Doing nothing, is closer to the truth. After some R & R, laundry, and more R & R, i decided i had slept enough for 100 people. I checked my grades online and i came out with a sweet GPA for my last semester. Two more classes down and i will be a college graduate. I have just started my job hunt for the summer, which has been a little disappointing because everyone requires you to submit an online application. There is something so impersonal about an online application. Like you are categorized right off the back by how you answer a question.

I applied a couple of weeks back to a bookstore....online. The general questions were easy "why do you want to work here?". But after I answered the normal questions the application asked me if i wanted to take a survey. At first i clicked "no" but then it said that my application wouldn't get processed unless i took the 'short' survey.

This survey had about 70 questions (followed by 4 choices)all of which were to weed out the bad applicants from the good one. Some of the questions were no brainers: If you saw someone steal something what would you do? If you get an unruly customer what would you do? Yadda Yadda Yadda.

But then there was a question like "If a co-worker was having a problem with another co-worker and came to you for help what you would suggest?" "If a co-worker was having financial problems and was thinking of stealing money from the store what would you do?"

Some of the choices were blatantly right, but perhaps it's my ability to over think everything that got me all confused. Why would this co-worker come to me and tell me she was planning on stealing something? Office disputes aren't really my thing, unless i get to watch the fight from the sidelines with soda and popcorn, so fight on co-workers. FIGHT ON.

Needless to say i have not heard back from them, and when i went there this morning to see if i can fill out an application IN PERSON, she said they only do online applications. Here i go again. I have checked out two summer camp places and just hope that my application gets into human hands. I don't know what kind of camp counselor i would be, but i wouldn't mind playing tag and kicking some soccer balls.

In the meantime while i wait for someone (anyone) to call my cell, i went on a mission to create a writing space in my room. All last week i attempted to write something, but couldn't seem to write in my bed. In bed I have to write at an angle and that angle usually means my head is resting on a pillow, which then means i fall asleep and wake up to late to want to write.

I refuse to waste away in this house with daytime TV and baby mama drama (thanks Maury). And because i seriously have to develop a portfolio, i need the perfect writing space to do so. The bed obviously wasn't working, so a couple of days ago i got this ancient little desk from a thrift store. The color was off white and it looked like spiders were keeping shop in the drawers. A few hours later after some sanding and painting, my pretty little desk has found a new home.

Where writing can be done, and dream can be made.

I'm still have difficulty with finding the right chair. The desk itself is small, and the chair i am using now does not go underneath. With my mom in tow we went back to the thrift store we bought the desk and found a semi decent chair that i could sand and paint. Unfortunately this chair had some weird serial number on it, which freaked us out to no end.

"maybe it was once used at a school" "or a jail" "or an asylum for the criminally insane!?!?" It didn't help that as we were checking the chair out and creating stories about it's torrid past, a creepy employee kept an eye on us marking a new sale for him today. He inched his way closer and closer until he was standing right next to my mom.

"You like that chair" he began with this Cheshire grin on his face.

"yeah, it'll do for this desk we just bought"

When he picked up the chair to bring it to the cash register he noticed the serial number plate on the back of the chair

"You know it has a serial number it?" he smiled.

"Yeah, what does it mean "

".....Oh nothing" and then he let out the craziest laugh in the whole entire world. I think my mom and I both went wide-eyed all of a sudden with fear. For the next five minutes we went back and forth about the chair, the guy, and the serial plate with hushed voices and petrified eyes.

So to make a long story short...I'm still on a hunt for a chair.

Summerish Break

I packed all my things yesterday and am now home for four weeks until Summer Session I begins.

My exams went okay. Philosophy was easier than i thought, but for some reason my Shakespeare teacher put some hard quotes on the test to identify. You'd think that if you at least have some knowledge about a) poor indecisive Hamlet b) old King Lear c) and crazy Macbeth then you could match the quote with the play. But that wasn't the case. I stared at seven unfamiliar quotes for about 5 minutes, only being able to identify 2/4 we had to answer with 100% accuracy. The other two i guessed on and I only managed to get them right from pure luck. I can't wait to see what i made in that class.

My other 3 exams were pretty easy. I'm looking for a solid b/b+ in most of my classes, though an A or two wouldn't hurt.

It was a lot harder leaving my room than i thought it would be. It sort of hit me when all my stuff was taken down from the walls, that this is my LAST year of college. I mean trust me, i am incredibly happy about it, but it's now sort of the time where i have to start looking for a job or more grad schools.

I have no interest in staying at my house longer than i have to but i still have no idea where i want to go or where i want to work. I figure if all else fails, i can get some traveling under my belt before i get a "real job".

My head right now is in a million and one directions. I see a lot of options but i don't really have a firm grasp on any of them. I wish i could see into the future and know exactly where 27 year old me will be, at least that way i would know if i was going in the right direction.

It seems like when you graduate, everyone wants to know "so what's next". When i got my Saturday cookie and soda this weekend, i saw another recent graduate dressed in a wedding gown and taking pictures on the campus garden.

The picture above is only half of the huge section of campus where everyone lounges, reads books, plays Frisbee or takes corny marriage stills. I love this section of campus (plus it was right where my dorm was located) because it's so green there. You have trees, more trees, some brick, and then more trees.

Of course this is also the place where people take a lot of pictures. I swear in the last 2 weeks i have seen more brides dressed taking pictures on this 'lawn' as if to say "This is what is next for me. Marriage."

Marriage of course is not in the near future (that would require a boyfriend). Grad school is on hold. And well...My "what's next" is kind of fuzzy right now. I still have a little while to figure things out. I just wish it would come to me sooner. But for right now I've got some laundry to do, and stories to read.