why i like Sean. I won't. I just wont.
The boy asks to come back to my house tonight so we can watch a movie with an actor I have the hots for.
I laugh and ask him if he's serious. He says "yes. I just want to watch this movie with you".
And because i am me, i tell him that tonight won't be a good idea. My room is a mess (the truth) and that im tired (a lie). He looks disappointed but accepts my rejection.
I tell him though, that if he is still up for it tomorrow we can watch it after work. In my room.
What the hell am i doing with this boy. What is it in him that i so desperately think I want. Sometimes I think i just want him to be my one big mistake. I tell myself that he will for a moment make things better. And i want to be near him. All the time. And I want him to be near me all the time.
And i know this is one big fucking mistake. But i love the feeling i get when i'm around him. It's nothing new or special. It's just comfort.
Le sigh. What the hell am i going to do if he actually does come over tomorrow. How will i react with this boy in my room. I'm freaking out a little.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tales from Parking Lots.
I spend a lot of time in parking lots. A lot. This is not by choice. I thought i should put that out there.
Lately Kat and I have made a habit of hanging out every tuesday. Before I got my new job I use to have tuesdays off. I wanted one day off during the week for interviews and such. Of course I really spent tuesdays sleeping, watching netflix and not cleaning my room. I miss those days.
But then Kat and I started hanging out. And my tuesdays became less about me and my general love of laziness and more about forming a bond with her. Because she gets out before 5 and I get out at 5, i stop by the store so me and Kat can go to the movies, or shopping or to eat. Mainly so we can talk about boys, boys, movies, boys, books, boys, boys, and boys.
We always end our hangouts talking in her car (in the parking garage near le sad store) while some sad playlist is playing in the background. For a while this was fun. But after a series of unfortunate events I can no longer say this about our tuesday activities.
I am not going to lie and say that a part of my friendship with Kat has little to do with our current boy obsessions. Because in all honesty it's a huge part of our relationship. She is the only one who knows about my crush on Sean. She sort of figured it out to be honest and i have shared all the awesome and terrible things between me and the boy. I was relieved to have someone to share my secret with. I also liked being able to validate my feelings for him. I could tell her about an exchange and she would say 'aww, thats so sweet of him. It has to mean he likes you" and I would light up and say "i know, right?"
And I am the only one who knows about her very inappropriate relationship with this married guy at work. She has had a crush on him for about 2 years. When he started working there he was engaged. Now he is married, recently took a managerial position at work and is looking to move closer to the job. Kat and him have had a long standing flirtateous relationship. But a few weeks ago he admitted he had a crush on her and that he was conflicted because of his 'situation'. Kat, who loves attention from dudes, pounced on this. They engaged in late night texting, confessing and possible 'erotic photo exchange'. I told her to stop. She did not because she liked having the hottest boy at our store eating out the palm of her hand.
And then it all came to a crashing halt when he took the managerial position at the store. Or maybe when he realized that a married man should not give into the fantasies of being with another chick. The hot and cold treatment began on both ends. She told him that maybe they should stop talking because the game wasn't fun anymore. He agreed. She then went back and told him that she was wrong and that they shouldn't stop talking and that maybe they could try and resolve things. He doesn't want to do this. And has been pretty distant ever since.
Ever since then, our tuesdays are spent talking about her situation. I go to the store expecting to window shop at the mall, see a movie, eat a burrito and instead I am sitting in the passenger seat watching my friend bawl her eyes out over a boy who was never hers to begin with. To say i'm a little annoyed and pissed about this is an understatement. Sometimes I feel the only reason she likes him is because everyone else wants him. She has said this to me more than once. He is gorgeous and funny and a nice guy (outside of this terrible almost cheating situation). She is sexually attracted to him. Maybe emotionally as well. But because she is so use to having guys throw themselves at her she is turned on by the fact that she has to fight for his affection. And that after two years of chasing him, flirting with him, suggesting things to him the boy fell for it. And then decided it wasn't for him.
The last few days she has cried at work because they no longer have that bond they once shared. He is nice to her but kind of treats her like everyone else at the store. The other day, I was off, she was sent home an hour early because someone found her crying in the aisle hysterically. She wanted to stop by my house so she could vent and cry. I was busy and that was not happening. So she spent the whole night texting me until i feel asleep.
Today, I was off from Le Sad Store and enjoying another quiet day at work. I work in the 'copying' department at the university and it is pretty awesome. I am the only person there from 1 to 5, i complete jobs if there are any but for the most part I read and write because there is simply nothing else to do. At first this made me nervous. I am so use to doing something and being on my feet all day that waiting around to get jobs was....weird. 6 weeks later i am so happy having four hour a day to myself. I get to relax and read and listen to music. The campus is beautiful and my view is of trees and fields. I enjoy the solitude. As i was watching netflix on my ipid, I get a texts from Kat that she is cyring hysterically in her car because she tried to talk to him today about possibly hanging out and he shut her down. In trying to be a good friend I told her to calm down. That she just needed to breathe. Because my job is only a 15 minute walk to the store i offered to meet her there after my shift (despite wanting to go home).
So at 5, I dragged my very tired self to the 6th floor of the parking lot and spent an hour trying to talk her hysterics away. It didn't go well. She went over her failed attempt to talk to him today. She is set in her very own delusional view about this situation. She thinks she has missed her chance to be with this guy. She doesn't understand how he can so easily turn off his feelings for her. She wants him. She doesn't want him. She thinks he is everything she could want in a guy. She wants the chance to find the fault in him that will prove her wrong. It was all so confusing. My stomach was growling. I wanted to go home. And hide under the covers and to emerge when the crazy disappeared. Instead i said all the things i could say to steer her towards the simple truth: he aint never going to be with her, so why put so much energy in him.
Especially when she has a boyfriend! And he is married!
I've never in my life wanted to just deal with my own problems before. A couple of weeks ago she saw Sean talking to a girl she hates at work. They were giggling and sharing a joke. She pulled me over so i could see the two of them talking, as if i was suppose to get jealous and angry. I told her I didn't care that he was talking to her. In fact, i wasn't in any position to be possessive and crazy over a boy who isn't mine. She couldn't understand this. She asked if i was getting over him. I told her that I still like him but that i kind of want to do my own things now. I don't want to spend so much time obsessing about a boy who, welp, isn't mine.
And the last few weeks have been awesome becuase of this new game plan. When i do have some alone time I've finished books, decorated my room, danced, even managed to get some sleep. Despite the hosptial visits and doctors appointments I am actually feeling pretty good these days. Enegerized and optimistic and okay with where I am at right now. While Kat and I are great friends are differences are beginning to bleed through. I do not crave attention from dudes. I am sort of ego-less and am craving simplicity and while i would love the boy/life/job of my dreams to fall in my lap, i refuse to wait and be miserable until he or it comes along.
For my own sanity. I deserve more.
But i am getting pretty tired of sitting in parking lots trying to explain this to her. I hate that her issues are stressing me out. Because while i am trying to understand what being a good friend is, i also have to learn when it is best to step back and deal with my own stuff.
Lately Kat and I have made a habit of hanging out every tuesday. Before I got my new job I use to have tuesdays off. I wanted one day off during the week for interviews and such. Of course I really spent tuesdays sleeping, watching netflix and not cleaning my room. I miss those days.
But then Kat and I started hanging out. And my tuesdays became less about me and my general love of laziness and more about forming a bond with her. Because she gets out before 5 and I get out at 5, i stop by the store so me and Kat can go to the movies, or shopping or to eat. Mainly so we can talk about boys, boys, movies, boys, books, boys, boys, and boys.
We always end our hangouts talking in her car (in the parking garage near le sad store) while some sad playlist is playing in the background. For a while this was fun. But after a series of unfortunate events I can no longer say this about our tuesday activities.
I am not going to lie and say that a part of my friendship with Kat has little to do with our current boy obsessions. Because in all honesty it's a huge part of our relationship. She is the only one who knows about my crush on Sean. She sort of figured it out to be honest and i have shared all the awesome and terrible things between me and the boy. I was relieved to have someone to share my secret with. I also liked being able to validate my feelings for him. I could tell her about an exchange and she would say 'aww, thats so sweet of him. It has to mean he likes you" and I would light up and say "i know, right?"
And I am the only one who knows about her very inappropriate relationship with this married guy at work. She has had a crush on him for about 2 years. When he started working there he was engaged. Now he is married, recently took a managerial position at work and is looking to move closer to the job. Kat and him have had a long standing flirtateous relationship. But a few weeks ago he admitted he had a crush on her and that he was conflicted because of his 'situation'. Kat, who loves attention from dudes, pounced on this. They engaged in late night texting, confessing and possible 'erotic photo exchange'. I told her to stop. She did not because she liked having the hottest boy at our store eating out the palm of her hand.
And then it all came to a crashing halt when he took the managerial position at the store. Or maybe when he realized that a married man should not give into the fantasies of being with another chick. The hot and cold treatment began on both ends. She told him that maybe they should stop talking because the game wasn't fun anymore. He agreed. She then went back and told him that she was wrong and that they shouldn't stop talking and that maybe they could try and resolve things. He doesn't want to do this. And has been pretty distant ever since.
Ever since then, our tuesdays are spent talking about her situation. I go to the store expecting to window shop at the mall, see a movie, eat a burrito and instead I am sitting in the passenger seat watching my friend bawl her eyes out over a boy who was never hers to begin with. To say i'm a little annoyed and pissed about this is an understatement. Sometimes I feel the only reason she likes him is because everyone else wants him. She has said this to me more than once. He is gorgeous and funny and a nice guy (outside of this terrible almost cheating situation). She is sexually attracted to him. Maybe emotionally as well. But because she is so use to having guys throw themselves at her she is turned on by the fact that she has to fight for his affection. And that after two years of chasing him, flirting with him, suggesting things to him the boy fell for it. And then decided it wasn't for him.
The last few days she has cried at work because they no longer have that bond they once shared. He is nice to her but kind of treats her like everyone else at the store. The other day, I was off, she was sent home an hour early because someone found her crying in the aisle hysterically. She wanted to stop by my house so she could vent and cry. I was busy and that was not happening. So she spent the whole night texting me until i feel asleep.
Today, I was off from Le Sad Store and enjoying another quiet day at work. I work in the 'copying' department at the university and it is pretty awesome. I am the only person there from 1 to 5, i complete jobs if there are any but for the most part I read and write because there is simply nothing else to do. At first this made me nervous. I am so use to doing something and being on my feet all day that waiting around to get jobs was....weird. 6 weeks later i am so happy having four hour a day to myself. I get to relax and read and listen to music. The campus is beautiful and my view is of trees and fields. I enjoy the solitude. As i was watching netflix on my ipid, I get a texts from Kat that she is cyring hysterically in her car because she tried to talk to him today about possibly hanging out and he shut her down. In trying to be a good friend I told her to calm down. That she just needed to breathe. Because my job is only a 15 minute walk to the store i offered to meet her there after my shift (despite wanting to go home).
So at 5, I dragged my very tired self to the 6th floor of the parking lot and spent an hour trying to talk her hysterics away. It didn't go well. She went over her failed attempt to talk to him today. She is set in her very own delusional view about this situation. She thinks she has missed her chance to be with this guy. She doesn't understand how he can so easily turn off his feelings for her. She wants him. She doesn't want him. She thinks he is everything she could want in a guy. She wants the chance to find the fault in him that will prove her wrong. It was all so confusing. My stomach was growling. I wanted to go home. And hide under the covers and to emerge when the crazy disappeared. Instead i said all the things i could say to steer her towards the simple truth: he aint never going to be with her, so why put so much energy in him.
Especially when she has a boyfriend! And he is married!
I've never in my life wanted to just deal with my own problems before. A couple of weeks ago she saw Sean talking to a girl she hates at work. They were giggling and sharing a joke. She pulled me over so i could see the two of them talking, as if i was suppose to get jealous and angry. I told her I didn't care that he was talking to her. In fact, i wasn't in any position to be possessive and crazy over a boy who isn't mine. She couldn't understand this. She asked if i was getting over him. I told her that I still like him but that i kind of want to do my own things now. I don't want to spend so much time obsessing about a boy who, welp, isn't mine.
And the last few weeks have been awesome becuase of this new game plan. When i do have some alone time I've finished books, decorated my room, danced, even managed to get some sleep. Despite the hosptial visits and doctors appointments I am actually feeling pretty good these days. Enegerized and optimistic and okay with where I am at right now. While Kat and I are great friends are differences are beginning to bleed through. I do not crave attention from dudes. I am sort of ego-less and am craving simplicity and while i would love the boy/life/job of my dreams to fall in my lap, i refuse to wait and be miserable until he or it comes along.
For my own sanity. I deserve more.
But i am getting pretty tired of sitting in parking lots trying to explain this to her. I hate that her issues are stressing me out. Because while i am trying to understand what being a good friend is, i also have to learn when it is best to step back and deal with my own stuff.
Monday, September 24, 2012
View From the Bridge.
A few pictures from my walk across the bridge yesterday. It was fucking amazing.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Losing Balance.
Today Kat and I celebrated our one year anniversary.
One year ago (give or take a few days) we ventured on our first outing to the Brooklyn Book Fair and bonded quickly over work, life and books and became best of friends.
We have been friends for several years, despite that summer i ignored the shit out of her, but last year we attempted to hang out outside of work for the first time sans our mutual friends. Anyone who has had a job ever can attest to the awkwardness of finding out that a particular friendship at work doesn't translate well when you attempt to do so away from work.
Kat and I did not have that problem. We immediately clicked, talked each others ear off and promised that in a year we would return and relieve the splendor that was last year. And that was exactly what we did. Well with a few exceptions.
A lot has changed in a year. A lot. I am not the same girl who trekked to Brooklyn last year. I am a little more jaded and complicated and things in my life are just so fucking different. Sometimes I feel like someone has placed me in a blender. They've added a splash of good and angst ridden things. Closed the lid and spun this new me around. Sure the end result is made of all the same contents but the consistency is different. The blend has changed everything.
So it was weird returing and seeing how much has changed in us and our personal lives. We both replayed (over and over again) how crazy the last year has been. None of which had to do with our actual friendship, which is great. We hang out almost every day. We text and talk on a daily basis. She is my closest friend these days. I have seen her cry. She has seen me cry. And we are loyal in preserving our bond. I love being her friend. But that didn't stop us from talking about last year, where our friendship begin and how different we are today. We couldn't stop talking about the fact that a year ago things seemed for fucking simpler. Boys, Life, Death and whatever the space in between was that we use to reside.
We expected for some reason for Brooklyn to look different. We marveled how everything remained the same. The book fair was spectacular with various vendors promoting new and old titles. This year there was even a space designated for food vendors. I had a waffle baked in maple syrup so that you could eat it like finger food. Twas delicious and sprinkled with powered sugar. We didn't stay too long though, to be honest. The book fair was just our excuse to return to Brooklyn and retrace our steps.
Kat's mind was bogged with her current/recent crush dilemma (having a huge crush on a married man is quite the burden). I was quite consumed with well, everything, as well. But maybe not as vocal about it.
A part of me was thinking about my relationship with Sean and men in general. Sean and I have returned to a good place. Two weekends ago I had another hospital scare ( i wrote about this but have yet to post it). It was a pretty rough day and it ended with me being dragged home by Sean in a taxi crying. Recently I was diagnosed with vertigo caused by issues with my ears. My whole life i have had ear infections. This year it has knocked me off my feet..literally. I woke up two Saturdays ago dizzy, vomiting and unable to walk. Kat was on her way to pick me up anyway, so we headed to the hospital where we spent five ours in the ICU. I had an MRI and blood drawn and was attached to an IV for a few hours.
Once I was discharged i made the mistake of deciding to go to work despite being released 30 minutes earlier. I was still dizzy and weak and a hot mess but i thought i could work. I lasted about 45 minutes into my shift before i damn near fainted in the break room. Immediately I was sent home by a very concerned manager. She asked me if I had anyone to pick me up because I was unable to walk. Sean chimed in that he would take me home. For about an hour Sean was my support. We had to go to the pharmacy and get my vertigo medicine. He had to anchor me with his forearms so i wouldn't fall over. We then had to take a cab to my house. The whole way I told him i felt like barfing. That i didn't want to barf on him. That i was very upset. I may have cried.
When we got to my house, he guided me up the stairs all the way to my room. He asked if I needed help settling into bed. I told him i was okay ( i wasn't). He asked me again as if I didn't hear him correctly. I declined again and thanked him for taking me home. Boy, did i want him to come in my room. I wanted him to come in so badly. But I was dizzy not stupid so i thought the better thing was for him to go and for me to sleep. He left soon after and then called me the next day to check in on me. It was nice and since then we
returned to a nice place of flirty friends. I can handle this.
The health scare two weeks ago though put a lot of things in perspective. Many of which I thought about today. Mainly that I have to concentrate on myself for a bit. Since Marie's death I have busied myself with activities and boys and friends to distance myself from dealing with regret and grief and anger and anger. I am terrified of silence these days. I still sleep with the tv on to distract my mind. In doing so I have worn myself out. I have put little time aside for myself to just breathe. And I find it hilarious, hilarious, that for someone who has spent her whole life trying to find the balance between my internal and external self that i have vertigo! Of all the weird illnesses to have, I have one where my balance is in constant question.
I am losing track of things. Myself, time, perspective and i want to work on reclaiming those things again. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love my life these days (despite the aching, aching pain). I am stronger and braver. I am taking risks and putting myself out there. But I continue to wobble on the thin line between holding it all together and falling apart.
I couldn't help but think of all of this during our time in Brooklyn today. How on the surface, I am doing okay. I feel okay. I laugh. And I smile. I function as normally as possible. But I get the pangs of dizzy spells that say otherwise. Spells that tell me that things are not as okay as they seem. I still wake up ever so often feeling off balanced. I have trouble with balance and bump into things repeatedly. I'm going to an ENT in a few weeks to get my ears checked out and curb the infection. But until then I have to work on being physically balance until the vertigo goes away. When I start to wobble throughout the day, I try to reclaim my balance, which I learned to do from a nice website dedicated to Vertigo exercises. I place my hands out to my sides as if i am on a balance beam and raise them slowly until i can turn my head from side to side looking at the tips of my fingers. I repeat this exercise until the dizziness goes away and I am able to stand upright without the sensation of falling. And 9 out of 10 times it works. It's my way to create balance where I physically lack it.
I wonder if I can incorporate this balance into my real like as well. If i can, I think I will feel less...spun out of control. Writing use to help. It was a form of stability and balance that was useful. Lately I regret not writing as much as i use to. There use to be a time when I would come home from a lazy day of class and want to write down every thing that happened that day. And now I don't. I tuck my experiences into some weird secret pocket of my mind where it sits and simmers. And it feels awful. Because I have done more and seen more and interacted in so many more ways these last few years that I am pissed at myself for not recording them as I want to. As i need to. Being able to read the things from my life, refer back to memories good and bad were my cures to everything. I'd like it to restore my sense of self and balance again.
And it will. With time and patience I guess.
Anyway, it's been a long day and I'm rambling it seems. I work at my new job (which is going so well it's a wonder I've gone this long without another form of income) and Le sad store tomorrow so I wanna head to bed early and sleep in very very very late. I'm going to upload pictures of my trip to Brooklyn soon. I walked the Brooklyn Bridge today! I can't believe I did that. It was grand.
One year ago (give or take a few days) we ventured on our first outing to the Brooklyn Book Fair and bonded quickly over work, life and books and became best of friends.
We have been friends for several years, despite that summer i ignored the shit out of her, but last year we attempted to hang out outside of work for the first time sans our mutual friends. Anyone who has had a job ever can attest to the awkwardness of finding out that a particular friendship at work doesn't translate well when you attempt to do so away from work.
Kat and I did not have that problem. We immediately clicked, talked each others ear off and promised that in a year we would return and relieve the splendor that was last year. And that was exactly what we did. Well with a few exceptions.
A lot has changed in a year. A lot. I am not the same girl who trekked to Brooklyn last year. I am a little more jaded and complicated and things in my life are just so fucking different. Sometimes I feel like someone has placed me in a blender. They've added a splash of good and angst ridden things. Closed the lid and spun this new me around. Sure the end result is made of all the same contents but the consistency is different. The blend has changed everything.
So it was weird returing and seeing how much has changed in us and our personal lives. We both replayed (over and over again) how crazy the last year has been. None of which had to do with our actual friendship, which is great. We hang out almost every day. We text and talk on a daily basis. She is my closest friend these days. I have seen her cry. She has seen me cry. And we are loyal in preserving our bond. I love being her friend. But that didn't stop us from talking about last year, where our friendship begin and how different we are today. We couldn't stop talking about the fact that a year ago things seemed for fucking simpler. Boys, Life, Death and whatever the space in between was that we use to reside.
We expected for some reason for Brooklyn to look different. We marveled how everything remained the same. The book fair was spectacular with various vendors promoting new and old titles. This year there was even a space designated for food vendors. I had a waffle baked in maple syrup so that you could eat it like finger food. Twas delicious and sprinkled with powered sugar. We didn't stay too long though, to be honest. The book fair was just our excuse to return to Brooklyn and retrace our steps.
Kat's mind was bogged with her current/recent crush dilemma (having a huge crush on a married man is quite the burden). I was quite consumed with well, everything, as well. But maybe not as vocal about it.
A part of me was thinking about my relationship with Sean and men in general. Sean and I have returned to a good place. Two weekends ago I had another hospital scare ( i wrote about this but have yet to post it). It was a pretty rough day and it ended with me being dragged home by Sean in a taxi crying. Recently I was diagnosed with vertigo caused by issues with my ears. My whole life i have had ear infections. This year it has knocked me off my feet..literally. I woke up two Saturdays ago dizzy, vomiting and unable to walk. Kat was on her way to pick me up anyway, so we headed to the hospital where we spent five ours in the ICU. I had an MRI and blood drawn and was attached to an IV for a few hours.
Once I was discharged i made the mistake of deciding to go to work despite being released 30 minutes earlier. I was still dizzy and weak and a hot mess but i thought i could work. I lasted about 45 minutes into my shift before i damn near fainted in the break room. Immediately I was sent home by a very concerned manager. She asked me if I had anyone to pick me up because I was unable to walk. Sean chimed in that he would take me home. For about an hour Sean was my support. We had to go to the pharmacy and get my vertigo medicine. He had to anchor me with his forearms so i wouldn't fall over. We then had to take a cab to my house. The whole way I told him i felt like barfing. That i didn't want to barf on him. That i was very upset. I may have cried.
When we got to my house, he guided me up the stairs all the way to my room. He asked if I needed help settling into bed. I told him i was okay ( i wasn't). He asked me again as if I didn't hear him correctly. I declined again and thanked him for taking me home. Boy, did i want him to come in my room. I wanted him to come in so badly. But I was dizzy not stupid so i thought the better thing was for him to go and for me to sleep. He left soon after and then called me the next day to check in on me. It was nice and since then we
returned to a nice place of flirty friends. I can handle this.
The health scare two weeks ago though put a lot of things in perspective. Many of which I thought about today. Mainly that I have to concentrate on myself for a bit. Since Marie's death I have busied myself with activities and boys and friends to distance myself from dealing with regret and grief and anger and anger. I am terrified of silence these days. I still sleep with the tv on to distract my mind. In doing so I have worn myself out. I have put little time aside for myself to just breathe. And I find it hilarious, hilarious, that for someone who has spent her whole life trying to find the balance between my internal and external self that i have vertigo! Of all the weird illnesses to have, I have one where my balance is in constant question.
I am losing track of things. Myself, time, perspective and i want to work on reclaiming those things again. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love my life these days (despite the aching, aching pain). I am stronger and braver. I am taking risks and putting myself out there. But I continue to wobble on the thin line between holding it all together and falling apart.
I couldn't help but think of all of this during our time in Brooklyn today. How on the surface, I am doing okay. I feel okay. I laugh. And I smile. I function as normally as possible. But I get the pangs of dizzy spells that say otherwise. Spells that tell me that things are not as okay as they seem. I still wake up ever so often feeling off balanced. I have trouble with balance and bump into things repeatedly. I'm going to an ENT in a few weeks to get my ears checked out and curb the infection. But until then I have to work on being physically balance until the vertigo goes away. When I start to wobble throughout the day, I try to reclaim my balance, which I learned to do from a nice website dedicated to Vertigo exercises. I place my hands out to my sides as if i am on a balance beam and raise them slowly until i can turn my head from side to side looking at the tips of my fingers. I repeat this exercise until the dizziness goes away and I am able to stand upright without the sensation of falling. And 9 out of 10 times it works. It's my way to create balance where I physically lack it.
I wonder if I can incorporate this balance into my real like as well. If i can, I think I will feel less...spun out of control. Writing use to help. It was a form of stability and balance that was useful. Lately I regret not writing as much as i use to. There use to be a time when I would come home from a lazy day of class and want to write down every thing that happened that day. And now I don't. I tuck my experiences into some weird secret pocket of my mind where it sits and simmers. And it feels awful. Because I have done more and seen more and interacted in so many more ways these last few years that I am pissed at myself for not recording them as I want to. As i need to. Being able to read the things from my life, refer back to memories good and bad were my cures to everything. I'd like it to restore my sense of self and balance again.
And it will. With time and patience I guess.
Anyway, it's been a long day and I'm rambling it seems. I work at my new job (which is going so well it's a wonder I've gone this long without another form of income) and Le sad store tomorrow so I wanna head to bed early and sleep in very very very late. I'm going to upload pictures of my trip to Brooklyn soon. I walked the Brooklyn Bridge today! I can't believe I did that. It was grand.
Thursday, September 06, 2012
Fool Me Once...
So, I've come to the conclusion that i have to be as honest about my relationship with Sean as possible. With writing, especially, there is a tendency to exaggerate or leave out things. Not because i want to be vague or worse, because I'm a big fat liar. It's because I'm human, relaying my thoughts and experiences from my point of view.
And my thoughts are rarely cohesive. I don't always remember things in linear fashion. I don't always remember what was said right down the period at the end of the dialogue. I leave things out here and there in order to get to the point. But sometimes the things i leave out are as important as the things i decide to jot down and remember because they connect the dots.
Sometimes when I write about Sean I feel like a school girl in lurve. I only cover the good. He made me a vampire stake. He bought me lunch. He submerged my wrist in water to ease the tension from an injury i sustained at work. He's attractive and fit. He makes me laugh and drives me home and he is attracted to me. I cover the good more than the bad because I have, in some ways, put him on a pedestal. When i was at my lowest i simply wanted someone to take care of me. He did not step into this role but i may have forced it upon him. And then he cried in front of me. And i reverted back to what i am good at: taking care of people because it makes me feel needed.
Even though I feel like he generally likes me and has a connection to me, the fact is the boy still has a fucking girlfriend. Not only does he have a girlfriend (who he has no interest in breaking up with) but for every good sweet interaction there are a handful of shitty ones. This boy is not perfect (neither am I) and he has done some very awful and shady things to me in the past . He has said pretty insensitive things. Dismissed me in front of people. Manipulated my feelings so that I'll do him favors. And i don't write these downs. Not hear anyway. I cry about them. I replay them in my mind. But i have not been honest with them here because i'm infuated with him. But here are some examples of Sean behaving badly that i've wanted to write about but did not:
.......
Before the hot/cold water wrist thing, I came to him (days before) and asked if he would take a look at my wrist. A couple of people, even one employee who i hated at the time, offered to massage it for me because i was a pitiful mess of bandages and tears. I thought "hey! if strange kid who i rarely see will sit here and massage my wrist for me maybe Sean will too". So I went up to him, asked if he could take a look at my wrist, do his massage magic (cause he knows how to). The mofo stared at me. Said "um, eww, are u fucking serious. i'm not touching you or your wrist" and walked away.
.....
I bought a bookshelf a few months back but had no way of bringing it home. I asked Sean,because he drives me home any way, if he could bring the bookshelf to my house (on a night we both got out around the same time) to help me carry it upstairs and set it up. He said no problem. He brought a desk over a few weeks earlier and putting the bookshelf together would take 25 minutes. On the night we were to bring the bookshelf over he kept making fun of me. He was being really annoying and juvenile. I got out at 10pm. But had to stay until he got out at midnight. I lingered in the store. Helped out a little (off the clock). And purchased groceries. Around 11:30, he makes a really dumb comment that pisses me off. I got upset and told him to stop being a douche. He didn't hear me though and asked me to repeat what i said. Out of nowhere one of our co-workers says "she told you to go fuck yourself man" and starts laughing. I shrug my shoulders and forget about the incident.
As we are leaving I ask if he wants to grab the bookshelf while i grab his bag to carry to the car. He says "I'm not bringing the bookshelf to your house". I ask why. He says because i was being a bitch and that he is going straight home. I throw my hands up and say i have no idea what he is talking about. That i stayed an extra two hours cause he said would do me a favor. He tells me it doesn't matter what he said before, that I'm not his concern and because he isn't bringing the bookshelf to my house that i can also walk home... in the rain.
Someone else gives me a ride that night out of pity.
.........
Two weeks ago I told him that I didn't want him to get the impression that i am his puppy (a term that is pretty self explanatory). That i like him but that I need him to respect me. That i can't have him ask me to return items to various stores, pick up food for me, be his go to 'beckett will do anything for me' because of my feelings for him. Lately I've been getting this impression. He's gotten angry with me if i don't acknowledge him when he walks in. He's called my name across aisle, followed by 'come over here' like I'm some fucking dog. I told him that i didn't want to be his fan. Or come off as one, especially because he likes attention. And that the reason i like being around him is because i want to be his friend. He said that i was being creepy and that he had no idea what i was talking about. That he is use to girls making a big deal about him but that i need to cut it out and get over it. It's weird. Then he went on to tell me that he asked to see his ex-girlfriends boobs and she did because he has that charm over girls.
"do you wanna show me your boobs"
I cry
.......
maybe because i never agree to actually show him my boobs, he accidentally touches them when we are alone. All the fucking time. His hands will find their way on my breast and gently press into them as if he has some ownership to them. I immediately push his hands away and make light of his aggression. I call him a brute. I tell him that my breasts are for me and me only. He laughs and says he won't do it again. And then again happens...again. One such breast grabbing day (maybe a year ago), he touched them, laughed and said 'i'm glad i can do this and it doesn't like mean anything. It's like i'm just touching flesh you know. My girlfriend has nothing to worry about when i'm around with you, cause i don't feel anything when i touch you'
........
One weekend he came in pissed to work. He spent the day fuming and intimidating people and punching walls. I went up to him and asked what was wrong. He told me to leave him alone. I told him that i couldn't because he seemed upset and that i was worried about him. He told me to stop worrying because he doesn't worry about me when he goes home.
........
He will not give me his phone number. Out of our mutual friends i am the only one he refuses to give it to me. When he calls me it is always from work.He once told me the only person who needed to have his personal phone number was his 'girlfriend' and 'i wasn't his girlfriend so i was never getting his number". This hurt me initially because he often throws the girlfriend thing in my face as a form of attack. Secondly, I found out days later that there are three or four girls from that store who have his number. I am not one of them.
....
marie. marie. marie
......
This is only the ones i can remember tonight. There are a lot of instances where this boy has been very unkind to me. Not in a malicious way but in a 'i don't really care about you that much' way. And now i have Pectogate 2012 to add to the list of fucked up things Sean has done.
Me and Kat hang out every Tuesday. It's our thing. At first it had to do with convenience. Movies for some reason are cheaper in our town on Tuesday. I, at the time, did not work those days and she usually got off at 4. So we could squeeze in a movie, dinner and talking every Tuesday. It was and remains our day to look forward to. Because of my new job though (which is going well), I am not always available to hang out Tuesdays, especially if she gets out really early.
This Tuesday though our schedules worked out. She got off at 4. Agreed to wait til i got off at 5 and then we were going to head to the mall to do some fall window shopping. Then we were going to get burritos and talk about boys, music and the various book sales we are attending. It was going to be relaxing. As soon as i walk in, I put my shit down and head to find Kat. She is talking to her crush, so i wave and tell her I'm going to get some water from cafe (so she'll have some time alone with him). I run into Sean on the way to the break room. I give him a hug. Ask how he is doing. And tell him i have to get going but it was good to see him.
Now....he knows that i do not work Tuesdays. He knows this. I haven't worked Tuesdays unless I've switched schedule with someone. But this did not stop him from asking me what what i was doing there. If i was on the clock. What i was up to.
I tell him that Me and Kat are going shopping. She has some things to return to the mall and we want to look at some cute things to buy when we get paid on friday. He completely ignores what i have just said and asks if Kathleen has a car. This is sort of a weird question. She did just recently get her drivers license and a car but a few months ago but he knows this because she asked him about parking when she first started driving to work. I laugh and tell him that Kat does drive ('but you know this') and that she did drive today ('because well, you know this too").
"Oh, i just wanted to know because, um,....I need you do me a favor". Le sigh.
He says he needs to buy dog food. That he should have done it earlier but forgot. He wants to know if I wouldn't mind going to the store for him to buy the food and bring it back to the store. Of course he needs to get this dog food from a specific store. One that is 15 minutes away by car. Which would require me to convince Kat to drive me there....to do him this really sweet favor. I make a face. I am hesitant. But its Sean. And I'm sort of a puppy. I want to do things for him because I'm convinced it'll make me look good in his book. I tell him to give me a few minutes while i run the idea by Kat.
Kat hates Sean. She thinks he is an asshole. She is only nice to him because she knows how i feel about him. But because we are going through similar boy crushes, she agreed to drive me to Petco despite it cutting into our hanging out time. I collect the money from Sean, I tell him we'll be back in a few and then we drive to Petco in search of this specific dog food brand. The whole ride there I am telling Kat how stupid it is that I have agreed to do this for him. I apologize for bringing her into this. Because lets be honest, if i had never shown up at the store he would have never asked me and I would have gone on with our plans. But he saw me, and he knew I wouldn't say no and he didn't care that i had plans that did not revolve him.
When we get to petco we spend 20 minutes looking for this specific brand of food. They don't have it. Out of the blue Kat says "doesn't he have a bunch of cats. Why the hell are we buying dog food anyway?" the thought never crossed my mind when i agreed to go to Petco. But now that we are in Petco, I can't help realizing that kat has a motherfukcing point. Sean doesn't have a dog. Especially not a small dog. Why they hell are we in Petco? But i put the thought behind me (before i get upset) and call him up to tell him that they don't have the bag he wants.
When i reach him, and tell him that we can't find the bag and that we have been in the store for a very long time he says:
oh, well that's okay. You guys can just come back. I was actually going to go in the morning to get the food. it's no big deal. just thought i could get the errand done early. It's no big deal, really. Just come back to the store. With my money of course.
???
If this was not an urgent pet food run, why ask me to go! Why ask me, when i already have plans, to do something for you. And yes, I know, I know, I could have said no. I should have said no. But i thought i was doing something nice for a boy who i still like despite all the fucked up things he has done.
On the way back to the store Kat and i are fuming. We wasted an our doing this is favor for him, only for him to tell us he didn't actually need us to go. I've used up our awesome hanging out to to do a favor for Sean and we both know by the time we get back to the store she has to go home. I give Sean his money without looking at him (after having to repay for parking!) and tell him to have a good night and then cry on the way home.
That night tho, after the tears, I am filled with anger. I can't help thinking about the fact that Sean doesn't have a dog. He talks about his pets all the time. His pets that just so happen to be cats. I know he has a lot of cats. But he has never once mentioned having a dog. So who the hell were we buying dog food for. Why was he so anxious to have us pick it up. Who did he call to get the name of the specific dog food brand (he did this before we left but wouldn not let me listen in on the conversation) And then everything makes fucking sense.
I connect the dots and the image comes to me quickly and with clarity.
I sit up in my bed and text Kat immediately:
"dear gawd. I think this motherfucker sent us to Petco to get dog food for his...girlfriend"
His girlfriend has a small dog. He showed me a picture once. It's one of those annoying tiny dogs with the loud bark. He sent me...his crush...the girl he inappropriately touches at work and says suggestive things to....to get dog food...for his fucking girlfriend. Are you serious.
I don't know if anyone else thinks this is incredibly insensitive. But i think it's pretty fucked up. He throws the fact that he has a girlfriend in my face all the time. He knows that I like him and have at times been willing to do anything for him. And because he knows that i won't say no, he asks me to run an errand for his fucking girlfriend.
I am livid. I can't be your girl. I can't be your friend. You can touch me and say its nothing. You can disregard me and call me crazy when i get upset. You can be an awful selfish boy who i forgive despite being completely transparent to you. But i can pick up dog food for your girlfriend so that she'll think your the best boyfriend in the whole wide world.
He asked me, on my day off, knowing i had plans, to get dog food.
And like a fucking puppy....i did.
I am at a loss for words. I am disappointed in myself foremost for being so naive. For wanting Sean to notice me and fall for me and like me. But I am pissed that he's an inconsiderate asshole, who even after Kat told him how fucked up it was sending your crush to get your girlfriend dog food is, could not see the error in his ways.
Fool me once, shame on you.
I'm fucking over being invisible to this boy. He is never going to want me the way i want him. Never. Because if he did, he would have fought to have me all for himself way before now. He wouldn't have sent me to get dog food. He would have cared when things went to complete and utter shit in December
Fool me twice, well, there ain't gonna be a second time...
And my thoughts are rarely cohesive. I don't always remember things in linear fashion. I don't always remember what was said right down the period at the end of the dialogue. I leave things out here and there in order to get to the point. But sometimes the things i leave out are as important as the things i decide to jot down and remember because they connect the dots.
Sometimes when I write about Sean I feel like a school girl in lurve. I only cover the good. He made me a vampire stake. He bought me lunch. He submerged my wrist in water to ease the tension from an injury i sustained at work. He's attractive and fit. He makes me laugh and drives me home and he is attracted to me. I cover the good more than the bad because I have, in some ways, put him on a pedestal. When i was at my lowest i simply wanted someone to take care of me. He did not step into this role but i may have forced it upon him. And then he cried in front of me. And i reverted back to what i am good at: taking care of people because it makes me feel needed.
Even though I feel like he generally likes me and has a connection to me, the fact is the boy still has a fucking girlfriend. Not only does he have a girlfriend (who he has no interest in breaking up with) but for every good sweet interaction there are a handful of shitty ones. This boy is not perfect (neither am I) and he has done some very awful and shady things to me in the past . He has said pretty insensitive things. Dismissed me in front of people. Manipulated my feelings so that I'll do him favors. And i don't write these downs. Not hear anyway. I cry about them. I replay them in my mind. But i have not been honest with them here because i'm infuated with him. But here are some examples of Sean behaving badly that i've wanted to write about but did not:
.......
Before the hot/cold water wrist thing, I came to him (days before) and asked if he would take a look at my wrist. A couple of people, even one employee who i hated at the time, offered to massage it for me because i was a pitiful mess of bandages and tears. I thought "hey! if strange kid who i rarely see will sit here and massage my wrist for me maybe Sean will too". So I went up to him, asked if he could take a look at my wrist, do his massage magic (cause he knows how to). The mofo stared at me. Said "um, eww, are u fucking serious. i'm not touching you or your wrist" and walked away.
.....
I bought a bookshelf a few months back but had no way of bringing it home. I asked Sean,because he drives me home any way, if he could bring the bookshelf to my house (on a night we both got out around the same time) to help me carry it upstairs and set it up. He said no problem. He brought a desk over a few weeks earlier and putting the bookshelf together would take 25 minutes. On the night we were to bring the bookshelf over he kept making fun of me. He was being really annoying and juvenile. I got out at 10pm. But had to stay until he got out at midnight. I lingered in the store. Helped out a little (off the clock). And purchased groceries. Around 11:30, he makes a really dumb comment that pisses me off. I got upset and told him to stop being a douche. He didn't hear me though and asked me to repeat what i said. Out of nowhere one of our co-workers says "she told you to go fuck yourself man" and starts laughing. I shrug my shoulders and forget about the incident.
As we are leaving I ask if he wants to grab the bookshelf while i grab his bag to carry to the car. He says "I'm not bringing the bookshelf to your house". I ask why. He says because i was being a bitch and that he is going straight home. I throw my hands up and say i have no idea what he is talking about. That i stayed an extra two hours cause he said would do me a favor. He tells me it doesn't matter what he said before, that I'm not his concern and because he isn't bringing the bookshelf to my house that i can also walk home... in the rain.
Someone else gives me a ride that night out of pity.
.........
Two weeks ago I told him that I didn't want him to get the impression that i am his puppy (a term that is pretty self explanatory). That i like him but that I need him to respect me. That i can't have him ask me to return items to various stores, pick up food for me, be his go to 'beckett will do anything for me' because of my feelings for him. Lately I've been getting this impression. He's gotten angry with me if i don't acknowledge him when he walks in. He's called my name across aisle, followed by 'come over here' like I'm some fucking dog. I told him that i didn't want to be his fan. Or come off as one, especially because he likes attention. And that the reason i like being around him is because i want to be his friend. He said that i was being creepy and that he had no idea what i was talking about. That he is use to girls making a big deal about him but that i need to cut it out and get over it. It's weird. Then he went on to tell me that he asked to see his ex-girlfriends boobs and she did because he has that charm over girls.
"do you wanna show me your boobs"
I cry
.......
maybe because i never agree to actually show him my boobs, he accidentally touches them when we are alone. All the fucking time. His hands will find their way on my breast and gently press into them as if he has some ownership to them. I immediately push his hands away and make light of his aggression. I call him a brute. I tell him that my breasts are for me and me only. He laughs and says he won't do it again. And then again happens...again. One such breast grabbing day (maybe a year ago), he touched them, laughed and said 'i'm glad i can do this and it doesn't like mean anything. It's like i'm just touching flesh you know. My girlfriend has nothing to worry about when i'm around with you, cause i don't feel anything when i touch you'
........
One weekend he came in pissed to work. He spent the day fuming and intimidating people and punching walls. I went up to him and asked what was wrong. He told me to leave him alone. I told him that i couldn't because he seemed upset and that i was worried about him. He told me to stop worrying because he doesn't worry about me when he goes home.
........
He will not give me his phone number. Out of our mutual friends i am the only one he refuses to give it to me. When he calls me it is always from work.He once told me the only person who needed to have his personal phone number was his 'girlfriend' and 'i wasn't his girlfriend so i was never getting his number". This hurt me initially because he often throws the girlfriend thing in my face as a form of attack. Secondly, I found out days later that there are three or four girls from that store who have his number. I am not one of them.
....
marie. marie. marie
......
This is only the ones i can remember tonight. There are a lot of instances where this boy has been very unkind to me. Not in a malicious way but in a 'i don't really care about you that much' way. And now i have Pectogate 2012 to add to the list of fucked up things Sean has done.
Me and Kat hang out every Tuesday. It's our thing. At first it had to do with convenience. Movies for some reason are cheaper in our town on Tuesday. I, at the time, did not work those days and she usually got off at 4. So we could squeeze in a movie, dinner and talking every Tuesday. It was and remains our day to look forward to. Because of my new job though (which is going well), I am not always available to hang out Tuesdays, especially if she gets out really early.
This Tuesday though our schedules worked out. She got off at 4. Agreed to wait til i got off at 5 and then we were going to head to the mall to do some fall window shopping. Then we were going to get burritos and talk about boys, music and the various book sales we are attending. It was going to be relaxing. As soon as i walk in, I put my shit down and head to find Kat. She is talking to her crush, so i wave and tell her I'm going to get some water from cafe (so she'll have some time alone with him). I run into Sean on the way to the break room. I give him a hug. Ask how he is doing. And tell him i have to get going but it was good to see him.
Now....he knows that i do not work Tuesdays. He knows this. I haven't worked Tuesdays unless I've switched schedule with someone. But this did not stop him from asking me what what i was doing there. If i was on the clock. What i was up to.
I tell him that Me and Kat are going shopping. She has some things to return to the mall and we want to look at some cute things to buy when we get paid on friday. He completely ignores what i have just said and asks if Kathleen has a car. This is sort of a weird question. She did just recently get her drivers license and a car but a few months ago but he knows this because she asked him about parking when she first started driving to work. I laugh and tell him that Kat does drive ('but you know this') and that she did drive today ('because well, you know this too").
"Oh, i just wanted to know because, um,....I need you do me a favor". Le sigh.
He says he needs to buy dog food. That he should have done it earlier but forgot. He wants to know if I wouldn't mind going to the store for him to buy the food and bring it back to the store. Of course he needs to get this dog food from a specific store. One that is 15 minutes away by car. Which would require me to convince Kat to drive me there....to do him this really sweet favor. I make a face. I am hesitant. But its Sean. And I'm sort of a puppy. I want to do things for him because I'm convinced it'll make me look good in his book. I tell him to give me a few minutes while i run the idea by Kat.
Kat hates Sean. She thinks he is an asshole. She is only nice to him because she knows how i feel about him. But because we are going through similar boy crushes, she agreed to drive me to Petco despite it cutting into our hanging out time. I collect the money from Sean, I tell him we'll be back in a few and then we drive to Petco in search of this specific dog food brand. The whole ride there I am telling Kat how stupid it is that I have agreed to do this for him. I apologize for bringing her into this. Because lets be honest, if i had never shown up at the store he would have never asked me and I would have gone on with our plans. But he saw me, and he knew I wouldn't say no and he didn't care that i had plans that did not revolve him.
When we get to petco we spend 20 minutes looking for this specific brand of food. They don't have it. Out of the blue Kat says "doesn't he have a bunch of cats. Why the hell are we buying dog food anyway?" the thought never crossed my mind when i agreed to go to Petco. But now that we are in Petco, I can't help realizing that kat has a motherfukcing point. Sean doesn't have a dog. Especially not a small dog. Why they hell are we in Petco? But i put the thought behind me (before i get upset) and call him up to tell him that they don't have the bag he wants.
When i reach him, and tell him that we can't find the bag and that we have been in the store for a very long time he says:
oh, well that's okay. You guys can just come back. I was actually going to go in the morning to get the food. it's no big deal. just thought i could get the errand done early. It's no big deal, really. Just come back to the store. With my money of course.
???
If this was not an urgent pet food run, why ask me to go! Why ask me, when i already have plans, to do something for you. And yes, I know, I know, I could have said no. I should have said no. But i thought i was doing something nice for a boy who i still like despite all the fucked up things he has done.
On the way back to the store Kat and i are fuming. We wasted an our doing this is favor for him, only for him to tell us he didn't actually need us to go. I've used up our awesome hanging out to to do a favor for Sean and we both know by the time we get back to the store she has to go home. I give Sean his money without looking at him (after having to repay for parking!) and tell him to have a good night and then cry on the way home.
That night tho, after the tears, I am filled with anger. I can't help thinking about the fact that Sean doesn't have a dog. He talks about his pets all the time. His pets that just so happen to be cats. I know he has a lot of cats. But he has never once mentioned having a dog. So who the hell were we buying dog food for. Why was he so anxious to have us pick it up. Who did he call to get the name of the specific dog food brand (he did this before we left but wouldn not let me listen in on the conversation) And then everything makes fucking sense.
I connect the dots and the image comes to me quickly and with clarity.
I sit up in my bed and text Kat immediately:
"dear gawd. I think this motherfucker sent us to Petco to get dog food for his...girlfriend"
His girlfriend has a small dog. He showed me a picture once. It's one of those annoying tiny dogs with the loud bark. He sent me...his crush...the girl he inappropriately touches at work and says suggestive things to....to get dog food...for his fucking girlfriend. Are you serious.
I don't know if anyone else thinks this is incredibly insensitive. But i think it's pretty fucked up. He throws the fact that he has a girlfriend in my face all the time. He knows that I like him and have at times been willing to do anything for him. And because he knows that i won't say no, he asks me to run an errand for his fucking girlfriend.
I am livid. I can't be your girl. I can't be your friend. You can touch me and say its nothing. You can disregard me and call me crazy when i get upset. You can be an awful selfish boy who i forgive despite being completely transparent to you. But i can pick up dog food for your girlfriend so that she'll think your the best boyfriend in the whole wide world.
He asked me, on my day off, knowing i had plans, to get dog food.
And like a fucking puppy....i did.
I am at a loss for words. I am disappointed in myself foremost for being so naive. For wanting Sean to notice me and fall for me and like me. But I am pissed that he's an inconsiderate asshole, who even after Kat told him how fucked up it was sending your crush to get your girlfriend dog food is, could not see the error in his ways.
Fool me once, shame on you.
I'm fucking over being invisible to this boy. He is never going to want me the way i want him. Never. Because if he did, he would have fought to have me all for himself way before now. He wouldn't have sent me to get dog food. He would have cared when things went to complete and utter shit in December
Fool me twice, well, there ain't gonna be a second time...
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Close Call.
I had another dehydration spell this weekend.
It did not go well.
Despite my best efforts: drinking water, eating more and trying not to exhaust myself, this weekend my body completely shut down again. I worked both jobs Friday night (1-5 at the law school. 5:30 to midnight at le sad store), didn't get home til 12:30 and then had to wake up to start work at le sad store in the morning. I didn't grab anything to eat to fuel my body, i didn't chug water to hydrate. I simply showered. Ran out my house. Started my shift and then wondered why i felt like complete and utter shit a few hours later.
By four, I had that familiar and terrifying nauseous and dizzy feeling. My head hurt. I felt disoriented again. I thought i was going to pass out. I asked the manager if i could grab a quick bite from the cafe even though I'd taken my lunch. She agreed and then let me sit in the office to rest my head for a bit. Dehydration is not a great feeling. It feels like i am shutting down physically. And because i feel like my body is caving in, I get emotionally drained. For some reason i started to cry and worry and over analyze my life. I left the managers office and headed to the bathroom where i cried for no reason at all in the stall until i was ready to face the world.
When I finally got home. I cried while eating my frozen dinner and passed out cursing my body's slow demise. It was brutal. I woke up in the morning with swollen eyes and a heavy head. I thought I was going to die. To be honest, Saturdays dehydration spell was sort of my fault. While I am adding more water to my diet. I do not eat a lot. This is nothing new. I love food. I really do. But i do not eat a lot of food. I have never really eaten a lot of food. No, I do not have issues with eating (this has been brought up a lot this week and it's only Tuesday). I do not have abnormal body image problems. My motto has always been: if i''m hungry...eat. If I'm not hungry... I don't eat.
The problem is, i never feel hungry. Oh every once in a while my stomach growls and I'm like 'i should probably eat something'. But for the most part I settle for being half full. I wake up. I'm not hungry. So I skip breakfast. I go about my morning dancing, singing, reading, writing. I eat lunch. Around noonish. Something just to feel okay. Then I take a nap: about 2 hours. I wake up. I go to work. I grab a small snack. I drink soda. I head home. Sleep. Repeat.
And now with two jobs, a social life, no days off this routine is even more fucked then before. I may eat breakfast but skip lunch and dinner, I may nap here or there or get a few hours of sleep at night. If I can find the time in between remembering to breathe.
Yes, I know this doesn't sound healthy but this is my routine. But it's what I've been doing for quite some time. When I went to the hospital the first time they asked me how much water i drank in a day and when's the last time i consumed a meal. I told them i didn't drink water regularly and that i hadn't eaten much that day. The nurse gave me a peculiar look and then said: well don't you think it's something you should do?
The thought never crossed my mind. This is not me being snarky. The thought literally never crossed my mind.
After i was released the nurse told me that along with drinking more I should work on eating more as well. This sounds easy. It should be easy. But it is not. I am sort of a picky eater. I don't eat seafood. I don't eat pork. I don't eat a lot of red meat. And most of my poultry comes from frozen dinners. My veggie intake is embarrassing. And i can't remember the last time i ate more than 3 balanced meals in one day.
In college, i was poor and could only afford subway sandwiches. I made about 120 dollars every two weeks from my library job. Combined with money my mom gave me, i was on a limited income. I would buy a foot long sandwich every two days: eat half of it the day of and save the other half for the next day. My body in my early 20's could handle this. My body in my late 20's is not so forgiving.
The discouraging thing about my poor eating habits is that I have lost a considerable amount of weight this year. I know it's a combination of stress, my changing metabolism, walking every fucking where, and general lack of snacking as much as i use to. But my body is slimmer. I have disappeared a little. Where there was once this softness has been replaced by a slimmer version of me. And people comment all the time on how great i look. The considerable amount of weight I've lost. How light i am these days. People pick me up all the time because i am petite and easy to lift. And because I like being carried away, i let them.
So of course the thought of having to eat more terrifies me. Not only because i rarely feel hungry but because im not sure what is going on with my body anymore. I like the weight I'm at. I don't necessarily want to gain or lose anymore weight. The last few weeks I've made a conscious effort to drink as much water as i can stomach. To eat three times a day. Cut back on soda (how i miss you). Increase my fruit and veggies intake. But i am naturally careless. I'm much better at taking care of other people than myself. I am possibly a little afraid of gaining back the weight I lost. Of returning to the state of unease with my body. So I started to slack off and skip meals again. I let my health fall through the cracks. I felt light and weightless in a way that had little to do with my new frame.
I crashed.
There are many new changes in my life that are hard to adjust to. One being that I am solely responsible for my well-being. Its not to say that i don't have a handful of people who care about how i am doing. Because there are. My support system is strong tho small. Distant tho helpful. But at the end of the day when my friends go home to their own lives, when the line on the other end of the phone clicks off, when the texts die down in the middle of the night...it is me alone who I have to rely on. And I'm not going to lie and say that this is a tiresome feeling.
More days than not i wish there was an actual person who cared enough to be responsible for me. Not because i am not capable but because sometimes i slip up and forget. I am careless and often let things fall through the cracks when I'm not paying attention. It's what i spent the better part of Saturday crying about. I felt ashamed that my own attempt to keep the seams together failed miserably. I forgot to fucking eat. Who does that? Who forgets to feed themselves.
And it's not just my weight. or staying hydrated that concerns me. I get nicked, scrapped and bruised a lot these days and i am conscious that it's because i lack a constant watchful eye telling me to be careful. The other day, I was putting up some paper lanterns over my desk. I had to use my chair as leverage to stand on my desk to tape the lanterns to my ceiling. I stood on the tip of my toes to place the lanterns just as i wanted them. When they were up I stepped back to get a look at my handy work but misjudged the width of my desk. Before i knew it I lost my balance, i slipped from the edge and thought i would regain stability on the chair. But my feet slid from the desk off the chair and I grabbed pitifully at the air as if an invisible rope would save me. Instead i landed on my back.....crashing on my bed with a thud. Luckily.
For a moment i laid there contemplating the near severity of my fall. I kept repeating 'i'm okay. I'm okay. that could have been worse than it was. Ive gotta be more careful" in my mind. I let out a thank god sigh and then laughed nervously as i stared up at the lopsided lanterns. And then i cried. Because everything lately feels like a close call. Everything feels like i am one step away from losing control. That i am going to give way because i am not being careful with my body. From the trips to the hospital. To the cut and bruises. To the nicks and bumps. To the dehydration and borderline malnutrition. I am simply being careless because i am tired and i am only know aware that in the whole wide world i am solely responsible for myself.
And I can't even do that right.
It did not go well.
Despite my best efforts: drinking water, eating more and trying not to exhaust myself, this weekend my body completely shut down again. I worked both jobs Friday night (1-5 at the law school. 5:30 to midnight at le sad store), didn't get home til 12:30 and then had to wake up to start work at le sad store in the morning. I didn't grab anything to eat to fuel my body, i didn't chug water to hydrate. I simply showered. Ran out my house. Started my shift and then wondered why i felt like complete and utter shit a few hours later.
By four, I had that familiar and terrifying nauseous and dizzy feeling. My head hurt. I felt disoriented again. I thought i was going to pass out. I asked the manager if i could grab a quick bite from the cafe even though I'd taken my lunch. She agreed and then let me sit in the office to rest my head for a bit. Dehydration is not a great feeling. It feels like i am shutting down physically. And because i feel like my body is caving in, I get emotionally drained. For some reason i started to cry and worry and over analyze my life. I left the managers office and headed to the bathroom where i cried for no reason at all in the stall until i was ready to face the world.
When I finally got home. I cried while eating my frozen dinner and passed out cursing my body's slow demise. It was brutal. I woke up in the morning with swollen eyes and a heavy head. I thought I was going to die. To be honest, Saturdays dehydration spell was sort of my fault. While I am adding more water to my diet. I do not eat a lot. This is nothing new. I love food. I really do. But i do not eat a lot of food. I have never really eaten a lot of food. No, I do not have issues with eating (this has been brought up a lot this week and it's only Tuesday). I do not have abnormal body image problems. My motto has always been: if i''m hungry...eat. If I'm not hungry... I don't eat.
The problem is, i never feel hungry. Oh every once in a while my stomach growls and I'm like 'i should probably eat something'. But for the most part I settle for being half full. I wake up. I'm not hungry. So I skip breakfast. I go about my morning dancing, singing, reading, writing. I eat lunch. Around noonish. Something just to feel okay. Then I take a nap: about 2 hours. I wake up. I go to work. I grab a small snack. I drink soda. I head home. Sleep. Repeat.
And now with two jobs, a social life, no days off this routine is even more fucked then before. I may eat breakfast but skip lunch and dinner, I may nap here or there or get a few hours of sleep at night. If I can find the time in between remembering to breathe.
Yes, I know this doesn't sound healthy but this is my routine. But it's what I've been doing for quite some time. When I went to the hospital the first time they asked me how much water i drank in a day and when's the last time i consumed a meal. I told them i didn't drink water regularly and that i hadn't eaten much that day. The nurse gave me a peculiar look and then said: well don't you think it's something you should do?
The thought never crossed my mind. This is not me being snarky. The thought literally never crossed my mind.
After i was released the nurse told me that along with drinking more I should work on eating more as well. This sounds easy. It should be easy. But it is not. I am sort of a picky eater. I don't eat seafood. I don't eat pork. I don't eat a lot of red meat. And most of my poultry comes from frozen dinners. My veggie intake is embarrassing. And i can't remember the last time i ate more than 3 balanced meals in one day.
In college, i was poor and could only afford subway sandwiches. I made about 120 dollars every two weeks from my library job. Combined with money my mom gave me, i was on a limited income. I would buy a foot long sandwich every two days: eat half of it the day of and save the other half for the next day. My body in my early 20's could handle this. My body in my late 20's is not so forgiving.
The discouraging thing about my poor eating habits is that I have lost a considerable amount of weight this year. I know it's a combination of stress, my changing metabolism, walking every fucking where, and general lack of snacking as much as i use to. But my body is slimmer. I have disappeared a little. Where there was once this softness has been replaced by a slimmer version of me. And people comment all the time on how great i look. The considerable amount of weight I've lost. How light i am these days. People pick me up all the time because i am petite and easy to lift. And because I like being carried away, i let them.
So of course the thought of having to eat more terrifies me. Not only because i rarely feel hungry but because im not sure what is going on with my body anymore. I like the weight I'm at. I don't necessarily want to gain or lose anymore weight. The last few weeks I've made a conscious effort to drink as much water as i can stomach. To eat three times a day. Cut back on soda (how i miss you). Increase my fruit and veggies intake. But i am naturally careless. I'm much better at taking care of other people than myself. I am possibly a little afraid of gaining back the weight I lost. Of returning to the state of unease with my body. So I started to slack off and skip meals again. I let my health fall through the cracks. I felt light and weightless in a way that had little to do with my new frame.
I crashed.
There are many new changes in my life that are hard to adjust to. One being that I am solely responsible for my well-being. Its not to say that i don't have a handful of people who care about how i am doing. Because there are. My support system is strong tho small. Distant tho helpful. But at the end of the day when my friends go home to their own lives, when the line on the other end of the phone clicks off, when the texts die down in the middle of the night...it is me alone who I have to rely on. And I'm not going to lie and say that this is a tiresome feeling.
More days than not i wish there was an actual person who cared enough to be responsible for me. Not because i am not capable but because sometimes i slip up and forget. I am careless and often let things fall through the cracks when I'm not paying attention. It's what i spent the better part of Saturday crying about. I felt ashamed that my own attempt to keep the seams together failed miserably. I forgot to fucking eat. Who does that? Who forgets to feed themselves.
And it's not just my weight. or staying hydrated that concerns me. I get nicked, scrapped and bruised a lot these days and i am conscious that it's because i lack a constant watchful eye telling me to be careful. The other day, I was putting up some paper lanterns over my desk. I had to use my chair as leverage to stand on my desk to tape the lanterns to my ceiling. I stood on the tip of my toes to place the lanterns just as i wanted them. When they were up I stepped back to get a look at my handy work but misjudged the width of my desk. Before i knew it I lost my balance, i slipped from the edge and thought i would regain stability on the chair. But my feet slid from the desk off the chair and I grabbed pitifully at the air as if an invisible rope would save me. Instead i landed on my back.....crashing on my bed with a thud. Luckily.
For a moment i laid there contemplating the near severity of my fall. I kept repeating 'i'm okay. I'm okay. that could have been worse than it was. Ive gotta be more careful" in my mind. I let out a thank god sigh and then laughed nervously as i stared up at the lopsided lanterns. And then i cried. Because everything lately feels like a close call. Everything feels like i am one step away from losing control. That i am going to give way because i am not being careful with my body. From the trips to the hospital. To the cut and bruises. To the nicks and bumps. To the dehydration and borderline malnutrition. I am simply being careless because i am tired and i am only know aware that in the whole wide world i am solely responsible for myself.
And I can't even do that right.
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