A Thief in the Dark....

So as you may know i have been having roommate problems...not to the extent of "I hate her/She hates me" but enough that i have contemplated moving ever since i stepped into the place. She is uber nice and we even get along but she is the loudest girl in the whole entire world.

I know that i am not a social butterfly i have come to grips with this. I am shy and am rather comfortable with a small group of friends than a whole lot of them. This girl on the other hand has about a billion friends all of whom have walked in and out of our apartment regulary these past few days.

She loves having people over, and every night for the past week she has cooked "college" cusine (spaghettti, hamburgers...) and invited a lot of her friends over for dinner. I was okay with this because she was nice enough to ask me to join, but at 11pm when no one had left yet i was pretty annoyed.

Needless to say i have contemplated over and over again about what to do with this problem. Move into the freshman dorm and potentially suffer or talk to my roomie and still potentially suffer. She was not the only problem of course, the fire alarm bandit has calmed down since last week but i still feared his return and going to sleep was hard.

I simply was uncomfortable in the room and even the dorm. It was like i was not at peace and no matter how hard i tried to make that room my own...it just wasn't.

Moving into a freshman dorm was out of the question so i began making my presence in the apartment known so my roommates would get the clue that "hey she may be trying to study i should quiet down a little". I know i sound like i am 70 or something but when it comes to my sleep...call me cranky if you want to.

But yesterday after making what was going to be my final check at Housing, i saw an opening for the dorm of my DREAMS. Elliot Hall is his name and i am in love. Elliot Hall is one of the many "learning community" dorms. The University uses some of the dorms to house people with similar interest "The Hippie Dorm (really known as the Enviromental Dorm)" the Spanish Speaking Dorm (all residents have intrest in learning Spanish as a 2nd language) the Pre-Med Dorm, The Music Dorm (music majors that is)...yadda yadda yadda.

Elliot Hall is like the dorm for well...I don't know yet. Someone called it the Indie dorm, and though i don't like labels i am down for Indie. As i stared at the dorm on the list i had no other choice but to take it. I mean it's located right in the heart of campus, i am literally a skip and a hop away from the bookstore/coffee shop and this would kind of solve the roommate problem.

This dorm was once the honors college and has this kind of old school charm that i like. It's made entirely of brick, and has several secet gardens located on it's street. It's absolutely beautiful, is a NON freshman dorm, and i would have my very on room and it was cheaper than the dorm that was driving me crazy. Plus the housing guy kept threating me that if i came back later someone might have taken the dorm.

So with that i signed off to a my brand new dorm....I couldn't even wait to check out the new place and even though i had a class yesterday afternoon i snuck by to check it out. It's amazing, built in bookshelves, window with amazing sunlight, and a sink plus the room is huge...and quiet. I share a connecting bathroom with one girl with an odd name but who is nice.

Everyone i passed on the hall was extremely friendly and i could hear the sounds of Bob Marley and Nirvana as i passed other rooms. I felt comfortable and at peace. There are all these study rooms decorated with a different theme, kids lined the hallway discussing books and politics, and the stair wells are painted artistically. YEAH!!!

Of course i only had 24 hours to move out of the old dorm which the housing guy kept emphasizing. So my mom jetted up here early this morning before the sun came up and like thieves in the night we moved. It was the quietest we have ever moved in my whole entire life and my roomy didn't wake up at all. Clean Break.

It took us longer than ususal to move my things in this hall and for a while my things were just sitting in the lobby. But with some help from some very helpful people we managed to carry everything upstairs to my 3rd Casa. I have to take pictures of this room...it's amazing, and i am hella happy.

I can not help but see the connection of this move to the one i made three years ago from Philadelphia. Of course this move was not the crushing realization of tuition prices but rather a move to a peaceful state of mind. I feel like in my last year i have come full circle and it's weirdly...refreshing.

Of course i am now exhausted out of my mind from all the moving but i have a butt load of stuff to read for English.

Today i talked to an extremely hott guy over a book (Into The Wild) that i had my nose in. I was curled up in a chair waiting for a class to let and decided i should start reading a book that i have to finish by next week. I pretty much joined this class because of Into The Wild, the story is pretty compelling and the teacher isn't so bad either.

So as i was sitting there reading my book some dude passed me and stopped to say he had read it before and that it was really good. Usually i would have just smiled and went back to reading but for some reason i was feeling brave and i said something back. It was small chit chat but that's pretty huge to me.

Time to finish some homework it's been a long day.

Misery...

...Is by far one of my favorite movies. If you haven't seen it well...GO RENT IT NOW. It's simply amazing.

When i first saw it as a kid i always wondered why Paul Sheldon (played by the amazingly Hott James Caan.), and for that fact all authors, have this thing with writing in complete isolation and silence. I mean the most scary aspect of the movie for me was the whole " No can here you scream" concept. Psycho Annie (played by the wonderful Kathy Bates) was able to get away with tormenting Paul Sheldon with her uber weirdness by using a pivotal writers need...ISOLATION. Though isolation was a need for him to complete his stories, she used it to keep him hidden.

I guess the concept of isolation is weird. It can be absolutely needed to get you're head together, to find yourself, to just enjoy the peace. But it's kind of lonely, sort of withdrawn from the world.

I am learning to balance this two ideals in my life, and am becoming one step closer to being okay with isolation and what it has to offer. Unfortunately, as most of you may know, the part of isolation i like the most is being robbed of me. Though i have not lived with a lot of people, i have got to be living to the loudest, socially active human being in the whole entire world.

It has only been a week and i am already sick of this girl. She is very nice, don't get me wrong, but she is working on a noise level much higher than the average human being. A laugh is not a laugh by a high pitch cackle. A conversation is not a conversation but a screaming match. Having friends over is not a mere 5-6 people but 14-15, and this has been almost every night.

I know...I know...I'm going about this badly. I have difficulty approaching people because i fear coming off like a bitch. I feel that sometimes people take my shyness for bitchiness I don't say much, i stay away from my roommates, and i pretty much keep to myself. In the past i have had this conceived as being snobby. WHICH IS THE FURTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH.

Unfortunately this makes confronting people horrible for me. I let people walk over me because i'd rather they think i was nice and shy than well...NOT. But the noise is killiing me. I now understand why writers go off into isolation...because there is nothing to distract them but themselves.

I am now faced a dilemna. Deal with this noise situation or accept a room change to a freshman dorm (though it would be a private bedroom). It's been a week since i put in my room change and nothing has opened up. I don't particulary want to move into a dorm with a bunch of freshman girls but i don't know how long i can wait for something to open up (and who knows if that something else is better than what i have now).

I am open for any suggestions. At this point I need them.

Tomorrow is a big day: Back to housing to see what is open, my first day back at work since May, and then Writing Class with Mr. McDreamy.

Personal Narrative.

So i had my first class with Gorgeous Professor (more on him in a later post) and so far so good. The course is a Nonfiction Creative Writing class, which to me sounds like an oxymoron. My experience with Nonfiction has not been all so great. I like autobiographies but only the beginning and end, i pretty much skim the middle. I like true crime novels but don't find them particular pleasant to read. Of course he does not expect us to write a book long autobiography of our lives but he does expect us to compose personal narrative essays.

I don't know how i feel about composing personal narratives because the only experience with that genre has been this journal and i am not going to express myself in class as i have here. Already he has assigned that we come up with a preliminary personal narrative for Monday. Nothing concrete of course but just some vague sense of what we might want to write about.

I'm kind of struggling with this. I feel like i do not have enough personal experiences to write a personal narrative. Or rather...the personal experiences i do have i don't want to express to a class full of people and a very hot professor. My personal experiences are mostly of relationships that have fizzled out. They are of anxiety and insecurity and I'm not really comfortable having that critique and read by peers.

I guess a part of the personal narrative that is bugging me is having to put down on paper something that i may not have resolved. When he mentioned having to write a personal narrative i thought...Hey i can write about my grandma. I don't talk about her that much even though her death affects me and it may be interesting to put my struggle with her death down on paper. But then i literally started having anxiety over doing that, this surge of emotion arose that i didn't know was still there and i all of sudden couldn't imagine having to read this paper aloud.

I'm not a person who resolves things. A part of why i hang on to the past so much is because i never made my peace with it. Everything has pretty much been left open and that alone lets me venture into the "should of, would of, could haves". Luckily i am pretty much over the "would of, could have" part , but the "should of" part haunts me:

I should have ended things better. I should have said i loved you more. I should have told you the truth. I should have said i was sorry. I should have forgiven you. I should have forgiven myself.

We'll see how this personal narrative goes...right now it's freaking me out a little.

In other totally unrelated news: My brother kind of apologized to me today. My mom ,unsuccessfully trying to be the bridge over troubled waters ,told him that I think he hates my guts. And it's the truth i am beginning to think that he just hates me. Plain and Simple. My brother is one who apologizes until he is blue in the face and then will wait until you forgive him to stab you in the back. Despite still loving him to death there comes a point where i just don't know if that's enough especially when he does things to just be mean.

The conversation lasted seconds. Him apologizing and me saying "whatever"

Lets hope i resolve this relationship before it becomes another issue i have to bring up in therapy.

I'm Feeling a Much Needed Vacation Should Come My Way

Today was the first day of class.

Now i know a couple of days ago i wrote a whole post about going with the flow but i wasn't expecting several fire alarms, a loud (but trying to be respectful) roommate, a very HOT dorm, and a Cable problem in my dorm. And it's only Thursday.

I was hoping that my last year in school would be go smoother than previous semesters. Despite my lackluster performance in some of my hardest classes to date, last year was really good. With therapy, keeping my first real job for longer than 3 months, getting feedback on my writing, and living in the hippie dorm with relatively quiet roommates and few fire alarms, I had it pretty easy.

This semester is not working out quite as well.

I was not terribly excited or nervous about my first day of classes. With all the crap happening in this dorm i was more worried about being awoken at some odd time in the morning by the ever so loud fire alarm.

After a quiet night on Wednesday the phantom fire alarm puller struck again early Thursday morning. At this point i cannot even cry from frustration because there is literally nothing i can do about it. It isn't like everyone else who is sitting out there isn't as frustrated as i am, but until they catch the asshole it looks like this crap isn't going to end.

My loud roommate is being a little more respectful with the noise, but her friends are still pretty loud. She keeps having Dinner Parties which last forever and is rather loud. My room change is looking pretty grim right now, the dorms that are open are in the freshman quarters and the thought of downgrading to a freshmen dorm without a fridge/stove/oven sucks.


Despite the early morning interruption, i made it to my 8 o'clock class on time, only yawning occasionally. My first class was creative writing. The idea of having to read my stuff aloud is a little frightening but i figured i have to do it sooner or later. During the summer my professor asked me what type of writing i wanted to do and at the time i didn't have a clue. But with having to write this 20-30 short story for THE NEW SCHOOL and taking this class, i realize that i have no interest in writing short stories/novels/or poetry. I'm much more interested in film, but nonetheless this class will help me learn about character development, plot, and dialogue.

My next class was Adolescent Lit. I was so excited about this class when i first signed up for it, but as soon as my professor opened her mouth i was convinced that i had to drop this class. She is basically a struggling writer who is pissed that she is a teacher. The first thing she did was read this book she worked on, and then she went to talk about how pissed she was at the publisher. I was okay with this part of the class but soon her craziness came out. She is so politically driven that is scary: Everyone is oppressed, the government sucks, you suck if you don't agree with her, and you just suck period.

OKAY????

Not only was she totally weird and crazy but ANNOYING GUY (from summer session II) was in the class. I almost fainted when i saw him. He was the same old annoying asshole from SS 2, but the professor was having none of it. It was like watching a death match on live television, too brutal to look away as these two nuts bags went at it. Needless to say i dropped that class as soon as i had the free time and am now taking a Film Class.

It is only Thursday and i am exhausted. I'm trying to keep my spirits up but everything is taking a toll. Now i have a decision to make: Stay in this dorm and wait until/if something opens up or move into the freshman dorm without the luxury of apartment living (my own bathroom/ kitchen).

I also am deciding what classes to drop/add because my classes are all jumbled and all my professors are pretty weird.

I need a vacation.

Cranky Pants

I cannot begin to express how much i need and love my sleep.

I love naps, i love sleep and i love dreams. It's an oasis for me. My dreams are these vivid escapes that i look forward too after a hard day. But most importantly i get most of my creative ideas lying in bed dozing off to the sound CNN playing in the background.

Friends and Family know that for me to be in a chirpy happy mood i need my rest. I need to escape inside my head and the safety of the covers just for a while to get all refreshed. Marie and Mike have let me rest my head on their shoulders during my yawning fits. And even last weekend my grandma left me curled up in a corner with a blanket and a pillow despite it being 4pm.

Trust me i don't sleep all the time, but when i do want to sleep i like being able to escape to the silence of my room and get some shut eye. These last two days have been very frustrating because of my still very loud but nice roommates and now the asshole who is pulling the fire alarm (he struck again this afternoon) i am on the brink of losing my mind...and it's only day 2.

I probably got 3 hours of sleep last night and i don't even want to think about tonight. When i don't get my sleep i just am cranky and not into putting up a fight. I called my mom this afternoon on the brink of a breakdown because i have to get the hell out of this dorm.

Sidestory: Last night my roommate(the very loud one) made dinner for us. I thought it was a nice gesture even though i had eaten earlier in the day and was not hungry. Despite not being hungry she still wanted me to come into the living room just for the social interaction i guess. To my surprise not only was she feeding the three other roommates but about 7 other people. She made dinner at 9, she and her friends didn't leave until 11:00, i went to sleep around midnight only to be waken up by the first fire alarm. After i came into my room( 3am) she decided to blast her music, so i had to go in the hall and make the "hell it's 3 in the morning could you turn it down a little" face. 45 minutes later the 2nd fire alarm goes off. Me and the another roommate(the kind of quiet one) are waiting outside as the fire men are yelling "catch the asshole who is pulling the alarm and we will let you in". 30 minutes later we are allowed in the building, by then it is 5am. i am tired, pissed, and my ears are ringing from the fire alarm. After running around today trying to get new housing (i have to wait until something opens up), i managed to get to sleep at around 11:00 only to have the 3rd final alarm go off.

So hence my breakdown to my mother. Hopefully when classes begin all the excitement will die down, If not i am basically playing the waiting game with housing. Luckily i get first priority if something opens up in the dorm i hope to get into (the hippie dorm), if not i think the hotel up the street takes DEBIT.

I am still going with the "go with the flow" mantra but not when it affects the one thing i need most.

Fingers Crossed. I hope this hippie dorm takes me back. I miss those eco-friendly activist.

Back at School

• Some asshole has been pulling the fire alarm all night
• My roommate is playing her music entirely to loud
• My other roommate thinks this is the holiday inn and has allowed three of her very loud friends to spend the night in the living room
• The AC in this apartment doesn't work
• And i haven't had a good night's sleep since got here...

Did i mention this is only day two....

I've requested a room change, and am going to housing tomorrow....today....this morning...hell i don't know what time it is.

Fingers crossed i get to go back to the hippie dorm with recycling bins and environmental lectures.

Goodnight/morning.

Not Going Against the Grain.

I always wondered what that phrase meant: Going against the grain, not going against the grain...it wasn't until an episode of Moving Up (Weekdays at 5 on TLC) that i really understood that going against the grain meant causing a jagged rough finish to wood.

For the most I've felt like my college life has been spent going against the grain. It's been a lot rougher than i thought it would be and a lot of it has to do with me simply not going with the flow or grain...or grain flow. Whatever.

This year I'm taking a new approach, I'm trying to adapt to situations rather than flee and run in despair. As of yet i have not been able to practice this new fond revelation but give it a few days.

Yesterday was moving day. My mom and i are breaking records at how quickly we move my stuff in. I am living in a huge pink dorm this with 3 other girls (none of whom i know). My room is pretty average and faces a parking lot and a playground. I'm going for a world theme this time around. Huge world map, and soon i will be spending money to get some posters of European places.

Unfortunately the sad thing about not making strong connections during the year is that i basically end up living with 3 friends and then i am the lone man out. I've met all but one of my roommates, but the one i live next too plays music way too loud. The other roommate decided to have some welcome back to school get together last night and i was on the brink of breaking up the party due to the noise.

Instead of being passive about any and all conflicts that may arise i am going to bring up the issue about the noise during the signing of our roommate contract (University enforced policy for all residents to make individual apartment rules that we all have to comply to). It seems like the more appropriate time to bring up the issue instead of coming right out and yelling "SHUT THE HELL UP" at 1am.

I for a split second thought about changing my room, but i realized it was me trying to avoid talking and dealing with conflict rather than wanting to move to another dorm. I simply have to get use to living and dealing with different personalities rather than avoiding conflicts at all cost.

Classes start Thursday and of course i am a little antsy. 5 classes (2 writing, 2 English, 1 Bio) 4 of which are on Thursday. I was going to take two bio classes but lets be honest i am on the verge of graduating and i don't want to fail a class during my senior year. Last year I had a class right after this really hot writing teacher, so after dropping 1 bio class for this semester i managed to grab a seat in his Advance Writing Class. I'll try not to drool on the first day.

They say (ratemyprofessor.com) that he is an hard teacher because he grades harshly. He doesn't grade on things like grammar(thank god) but on content and subject matter. I don't feel like i should have a problem with that but it still worries me. I've never taking a writing class before (business writing doesn't count) so having to present my work to peers is kind of freaking me out.

But i going with the grain. Going with the flow and hopefully I'll see some improvement socially, educationally, and personally.

Hopefully.

Time to clean up this room. Crap is everywhere and out of order. I'm happy to be back though. I never thought i would say that.

De-Friended

My brother deleted me from his myspace profile which is a clear indication of my fun filled week at home.

If anyone uses myspace being de-friended is like a cyber slap in the face but coming from a family member it is more like a cyber stab in the back.

For the most part my week home after summer school was great. After receiving 2 more A's via my English classes my mom picked me up and took me home. I spent 2 days resting, reading, and hanging out with my cats before heading to my grandmothers. Surprisingly it wasn't as boring as it usually is, mainly because we stumbled on my favorite store in the whole wide world...POTTERY BARN. I cannot begin to express my love for this store. I have based my whole future aspirations on earning enough money in my career so i can afford everything at pottery barn. Enough said.

After the Pottery Barn shopping day, we spent the next three days hanging with family i haven't seen in a while or at all. I played on a trampoline with my 5 year old distant cousin who kept insisting we play imaginary Cheetah Girls/High School Musical type games. I complied but only because...lets admit it, I'm sort of a kid at heart.

After returning home from my grandmothers house my brother began giving me the cold shoulder. I can't even say it is the cold shoulder because it was more like "shooting daggers in my back" sort of thing. He started blaming things on my simply being there for the week: The computer doesn't work because i had the cable box in my room which was disrupting the wires in the wall where the DSL yadda yadda yadda. His cable box isn't working because i am watching Howard Stern in my room (our rooms are right next to each other), I'm acting weird because yadda yada yadda.

This went on for the next four days. My mother admittedly noticed it but didn't say anything. I avoided him at all cost (which i guess is where he gets the idea that i was acting weird) because he kept making faces and cursing under his breath every time i walked by him (and yes he is 23).

For all i know this hatred stemmed from the small fact that i took my laptop to my grandmothers house(while he was at home with his broke down computer) and that I didn't let him use my computer much while i was home(but i suspect it is something more). There is a desktop at home that has had problems for years due to my brother deleting programs that he shouldn't have, spilling soda on the keys and everything else under the sun. After having to fix it several times due to his fuck ups, the computer has been acting funny. It cuts off after 30 minutes and isn't reliable.

Two years ago my mom bought me a laptop for college, after coming home for summer break and letting him use it, the damn thing broke. He had been using it all week and it started making funny noises. When i took it to the bookstore to get some writing done, it stopped working all together. Ever since this incident i have been hesitant in letting him use my new computer. I let him use it when i get home but only for an hour at a time, just for precaution. Of course i usually don't force this hour rule and he uses it for much longer than that only returning it after i have asked him several times to give it back.

So when i got home and he started doing the cold shoulder treatment i decided letting him use my computer was not such a good idea. I don't want my brother to only talk to me when he wants something from me and i especially don't want him to use it when he is taking sibling rivalry to a new depth.

So along with the "I hate Beckett" rivalry, over who knows what , and me not letting him use the computer... being home was not so fun anymore. I hate being hated, i feel like if i was a bitchy horrible sister than he'd have every right to but I'm not. I'm constantly there for him, and despite the shit he has done in the past i still had faith in him. But this past week he has it taken it too far, he has made me feel like a burden in my own home.

So after a day of moving in all my stuff into my new dorm i was happy to have some time to check on some sites i haven't been to in a while. Blogger, Facebook, CNN, and Myspace and to my great disappointment the asshole deleted me. He deleted his own sister, there must be a law saying that that is a punishable crime. Though the last thing i am worried about is a being de-friended on a social networking site, i am just saddened that this is where our relationship is going. Where not only am i not his friend in real life but not even via the Internet.

Geez.

You Know It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp.

Yesterday my English professor decided that instead of reading another long and boring story about rural America (thanks Mark Twain) we would instead watch Hustle & Flow . If you haven't seen the movie the plot is about a Pimp (Djay) who dreams of getting out of his down trodden life, so he attempts with the the help of old friends, a few prostitutes, and church fairing guy, to create music about his life that is both raw and inspiring.

I was hesitant when she listed this movie on the syllabus but only because i am not a fan of Terrance Howard. My mom is completely in love with this man after we saw the movie crash. I however have a conflicting attraction to him based on his amazing face but tormented by him being in every movie possible. He plays a bad guy and i hate him, then he plays a good guy and i love him. I don't know what to do with Terrance Howard but right now after seeing this movie i am kind of smitten with him. Despite his character probably pimping me out in real life.

Anyway the whole semester we have been dealing with rural America. Being a semi-city girl i cannot understand the whole connection to the country. I find solace in the noise, and reading about rural poverty, racism, sexism was kind of a downer. I also had to sit through a class with annoying guy all morning, who only got worse from my last description of him.

On Thursday she warned us that the movie dealt with things that some of us may be uncomfortable with. Prostitution, drug use, language....crap which i totally dig in movies. The only person i thought would be uncomfortable with the movie was the girl who is a religion major who sits next me. She is the sweetest girl ever, with a really soft voice, and she knows a shit load of stuff about every religion.

So i was shocked to show up yesterday to see that she was there but that ANNOYING GUY decided not to watch the movie (she offered an alternate assignment to whoever didn't want to watch Hustle and Flow). He spent the whole semester saying negative, off the wall, borderline racist stuff and then he totally wimped out and decided that Hustle & Flow was unfit content. Despite his whole semester of spewing UNFIT CONTENT. I didn't get it, he watched A Streetcar named Desire with Brando, he came when we watched Breakfast in Tiffany with Hepburn but you insert Memphis rap and he's a big no show.

Jackass.

Despite my love/hate relationship with Terrance Howard, Hustle and Flow was an amazing movie. By the end of it we were all chanting "Whoop that Trick"(despite not wanting to whoop any tricks) even the religious girl was quoting lines and lyrics.

Today wet talked about the movie and wouldn't believe how much symbolism is in it, which made the movie even MORE amazing. And guess who decided to show up today, dressed probably by his mother and eating Cheez-It's during class. ANNOYING GUY. When i was walking to class he rode past me on what has to be the oldest bike ever. I really dislike this guy.

But today must have been the one class where he had nothing to say, and you could tell it irritated him beyond words. He tried to chime in only to be interrupted by someone who was like "you didn't even watch the movie". It was beautiful way to end that class, and despite wanting to pull my hair out or kick Annoying Guys ass I'm happy i took it. I mean now i can say "It's hard out here for a Pimp" during stressful situations.

Oh Yeah.

We turned in our group projects today for Business class but unfortunately the person in our group who was suppose to bring in our report called and said he was running late. Molly, the girl in our group, called him and just told him to bring it to the professors office because class had only lasted 20 minutes and then we all left. Hopefully he got the project there because we are all screwed if he doesn't. I'm not too worry, i figure since his grade is on the line along with the rest of ours then he will do his part and turn it in.

Summer Session is officially after i hand in my 11 page paper tomorrow, and i cannot believe i made it. I've taken 12 credits, hopefully will have a 4.0 GPA this summer and will start school in less two weeks as a senior ( i just like saying that i am a senior. I've earned it). Nervous: Yes. Excited: Yes. Hoping for a Good Year: HELL YEAH.

My biggest thing now is deciding whether to go back to therapy in the fall . I know that i would like too, but I am kind of sad because Casey won't be my therapist anymore (she was only here for the year and then headed back to school in Oregon). She referred me to her friend Toby because she thinks i will work best with him, but i don't know how i will feel talking about my problems with a dude. I barely know how to carry conversation with guys in the elevator so bearing my heart and soul to some man is pretty scary.

I'll probably end up going back, i just have to but the nerves behind me. I know i say this every semester but i honestly want it to be better than then the last and i am going to put effort in actually doing that.

Going Strong

My group is kicking ass and i am generally excited about the progress we have made.

Today was our last meeting to discuss the project and so far...so good. We have different personalities(of course) and approach things differently(of course) but we work well together under the situation (having to write a 15 page report by Wednesday). I don't know how the other groups are doing but we are working well together, and every one is doing there part.

Unity makes me very happy.

This session is coming to a close, everyone is packing and heading home to only re-pack and come back to school in less than 2 weeks. Despite being bored out of my wits some days, and freaking out over financial aid I'm glad i took these summer classes but even more glad that i am now a SENIOR.

I can't begin to explain how freaked out and excited i am about this. Unlike High School where there was some definite transgression into the new phase(college), the transgression from college into the "real world" is a little more scary. It's like i am beginning to realize that whatever path i choose will take me somewhere, and i guess i am a little freaked out about where it will lead me.

Deciding not to go to med school was not only a educational change, but a whole life change. I feel a little less prepared because i only decided a couple of months ago to go with something i love rather than medicine. I realize now that the reason i freaked out so much about changing my major was because sticking with medicine was a concrete plan. I knew all the steps to get from A to B, but unfortunately getting from A to B was pretty hard for me.

Whatever i decide to do now is kind of unscripted. There is no definite plan or highway markers pointing me in any direction, and i guess i am just not use to that.

It's not that i am a scripted, by the book person(far from it) but i like to kind of know where i am going. I like some sort of guideline to go back to from time to time if i get lost. I have never been comfortable with the non scripted moments, i freeze up and then freak out.

Case in Point:

In the 5th grade (oh yeah taking it back a notch) i was in play called "Adventures in Toyland". It was this top notch, a million act play, dealing with Fairy Tales and Toys. The drama teacher thought she was producing a Broadway play because it was brutal but fun. I was the lead in a act about Thumbelina, and for weeks we praticed our lines to the point where i knew my lines and others by heart.

On the night of the opening show, the girl who was playing my adopted mother ( i don't remember this part in the tale but whatever) totally forget her line. It was the quietest 10 seconds of my life. We all kind of just stared at her, and then the drama teacher queued the music and we excited the stage.

When we got back stage the first thing everyone did was turn to me and say "you should have made up something. Improv, you're the lead."

Though that was a zillion years ago, the scene still plays in my mind especially with this whole "moving on to a new phase" crap. Perhaps life is more like an improv show, instead of following the lines exactly, it's about making things up as you go along to fit the situation and the scene.

I think if i could become more comfortable in the uncomfortable then i wouldn't be so anxious about things .But I'm working on it, especially as i embark on my last year in college, we'll see how it goes.

I now have to write an 11 page paper for English. It's about a Flannery O'Connor story so it shouldn't be that bad even though i haven't started yet.