Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Birthday
Tomorrow I turn 31. Oh. My. Gawd. I cannot comprehend this.
Today I woke up around 7, took a shower, ate breakfast and read a few chapters from an Ocativa Butler book. Once I was satisfied with ending at the right moment in the book (and fully caffeinated), I decided to get dress so I could head to work.
I got my hair done this weekend, so I was feeling extra pretty today. I decided to wear my black denim jeans, a low cropped grey t-shirt under a light black hoodie. I paired this with a fake leather jacket because Spring is around the corner and I am over long puffy coats. I finished the look with my black combat boots that always make me feel badass and feminine.
As I was leaving my apartment, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. These days, I am often struck by my appearance and the way I carry myself. I am 30 years old. I am less anxious, more grounded and okay in my skin. I am more aware of who I am, which makes me worry less about how others see me.
With my straight jet black hair hitting the collar of my leather jacket, My thin face eclipsed by huge brown eyes...I was overcome by the person starring back at me. I've come so far since college, and post college and Marie's death.
I am the same 19 year old girl who wore layers of clothing to hide my chubbiness. I am the same 21 year old who spent her birthday alone playing the sims. I am the same 22 year old who cried on the subway after saying goodbye to my mom. I am the same 25 year old who lost her best friend suddenly and fell to pieces. I am the same 28 year old who caressed a horrible boy to sleep a few nights before he departed for the Navy.
And yet despite everything...I am also this entirely new person. A person that surprises me everyday. A person who speaks her mind, is flirtatious, is confident and fiercely independent. A person who pays bills, and drives a car and makes doctors appointment. A person who makes decisions and frets about life and is contemplative. A person who still struggles everyday with congruence and wholeness. A person who still seeks balance on the tip-rope.
I turn 31 tomorrow, and it strikes me how profound and momentous that is.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Loneliness.
My mind is very muddled these days and honestly, for the most part, I am not coping or managing. Between daily anxiety attacks and little energy to do much of anything...things are not well for me mentally. I am struggling to step out of myself and just breathe. There are things I can control, there are things I cannot and these two realizations will never ever find middle ground.
This insanity that is life these days would be easier to manage if I had actual friends. But I am suddenly a friendless, hapless, 30 year old. I do not regret ending my friendship with Kat. It was necessary but she was kind of the reason I had so many people in my life. She was the beautiful popular one who befriended the small and socially awkward girl. She was like knowing the bouncer of a club I would otherwise be denied from. And now that we aren't friends, I don't have much of a support group around me. My access has been revoked.
I have not been this alone since college and I must admit returning to this alone-ness is strange. Familiar, survivable but strange. I suddenly don't exist as I used to. This is only really evident when I want to do something and realize I don't have anyone to do them with. Heather, my only real friend at the moment. is only accessible on her time. She's sort of straight forward about this, so I am not offended or hurt. .When she needs to do something (shopping, movies, eating lunch) that she doesn't want to do alone, she'll ask me to go because she knows I am available. It's a little isolating and we haven't really hung out much these last few weeks because she has a life very independent of our friendship.
My non-existent social life is a direct correlation to my increasing anxiety. Don't get me wrong... I am very much an introverted person. I struggle to express myself verbally, I need "me" time, I am a fan of silence...but loneliness is not something I enjoy. They are two different entities. Life is simply about sharing experiences and moments with people you choose to have in your life. Whether it's a handful or a few chosen few. It is about interconnecte-ness. It is about love, in all it's various forms. And I miss having bonds with people. I miss feeling needed and loved.
So of course I am an anxious and messy these days. Of course I am vulnerable and sensitive to everything around me because I don't have the comfort of friends to assuage my fears. Left to my own devices I am a paranoid, sullen and un-centered person. I am not my best self. I recognize now that you can be an introvert and still required the presences of people to thrive. Sometimes that gets lost in the conversation of introversion and extroversion.
With spring approaching I hope to curb this hopelessness. I need to be more social. I have to make friends. I have to be a part of a community again. I worry about my alone-ness, not on a large scale but on a small intimate scale. My birthday is a week away, I will be 31 years old and I have no one to share the day with. I worry that my alone-ness is permanent. That I have missed the window for connections. On a large scale this thought terrifies me. On a small scale, this thought ignites my resolve to do something so my life feels...centered again.
This insanity that is life these days would be easier to manage if I had actual friends. But I am suddenly a friendless, hapless, 30 year old. I do not regret ending my friendship with Kat. It was necessary but she was kind of the reason I had so many people in my life. She was the beautiful popular one who befriended the small and socially awkward girl. She was like knowing the bouncer of a club I would otherwise be denied from. And now that we aren't friends, I don't have much of a support group around me. My access has been revoked.
I have not been this alone since college and I must admit returning to this alone-ness is strange. Familiar, survivable but strange. I suddenly don't exist as I used to. This is only really evident when I want to do something and realize I don't have anyone to do them with. Heather, my only real friend at the moment. is only accessible on her time. She's sort of straight forward about this, so I am not offended or hurt. .When she needs to do something (shopping, movies, eating lunch) that she doesn't want to do alone, she'll ask me to go because she knows I am available. It's a little isolating and we haven't really hung out much these last few weeks because she has a life very independent of our friendship.
My non-existent social life is a direct correlation to my increasing anxiety. Don't get me wrong... I am very much an introverted person. I struggle to express myself verbally, I need "me" time, I am a fan of silence...but loneliness is not something I enjoy. They are two different entities. Life is simply about sharing experiences and moments with people you choose to have in your life. Whether it's a handful or a few chosen few. It is about interconnecte-ness. It is about love, in all it's various forms. And I miss having bonds with people. I miss feeling needed and loved.
So of course I am an anxious and messy these days. Of course I am vulnerable and sensitive to everything around me because I don't have the comfort of friends to assuage my fears. Left to my own devices I am a paranoid, sullen and un-centered person. I am not my best self. I recognize now that you can be an introvert and still required the presences of people to thrive. Sometimes that gets lost in the conversation of introversion and extroversion.
With spring approaching I hope to curb this hopelessness. I need to be more social. I have to make friends. I have to be a part of a community again. I worry about my alone-ness, not on a large scale but on a small intimate scale. My birthday is a week away, I will be 31 years old and I have no one to share the day with. I worry that my alone-ness is permanent. That I have missed the window for connections. On a large scale this thought terrifies me. On a small scale, this thought ignites my resolve to do something so my life feels...centered again.
Friday, February 03, 2017
Sides of History
I am officially on Melatonin again. Yay for insomnia and general stress induced awfulness.
I am a person deeply affected by my environment. When things are good, I am good. When things are not great, well...
Last summer I was perhaps at my peak good-ness. I'd been at my job for a few months and was starting to make real money. Kat and I were in-sync with our friendship and spending quality healthy time together. I was in-shape and athletic and learning to accept my body as it surprised and changed. My apartment was also just beginning to feel like home, I was buying furniture and establishing a routine for myself that accommodated my new life. My life felt new last summer. There was no Sean, no bookstore, no vertigo. There was just this feeling of peace because things were falling together for once.
So much has changed. Everything feels fucked.
I haven't had a good nights sleep in 14 days. How has it only been 14 days since T***p was sworn in as our "president". I use this phrase lightly. I won't apologize for how politically themed my journal entries will be these days, weeks, month and/or years. This is not democracy were are living in. I am stunned by how quickly things have changed as a citizen. I am fearful of going to sleep at night because I know I will wake up to another ghastly breaking news advent. Every day since T***p has been president has been a nightmare.
I am not okay and this has nothing to do with party lines, or gender lines or race lines. I am not okay because as a human being the last 14 days have been ghastly to watch and be apart of. For the first time, in my whole entire life, I am ashamed of my country. I also do not say this lightly but I am ashamed that differences in how we choose to govern has allowed us to abandon basic decency. How did we get to this point in history where a madman is at the helm and everyone is sort of directionless as he targets women, Muslims, minorities, the economy, nature
I stay away from the news as much as possible but Twitter is a helluva drug. It keeps me aware enough to stay "woke" but not too engrossed that I end up terrified and unable to function as a human being. But even with these limiting strategies, i am anxious and crabby and not well these days. After the Muslim ban last Friday, I think i may have cried myself to sleep...something I have not done in a very long time.
I wanted to participate in the protests that weekend but protesting alone is not something I feel comfortable doing. Outside of the Women's March, Heather is pretty uninterested in participating in future demonstrations and as my only friend...she'd be the only one I could attend these protests with at the moment. But she has decided to take a more passive approach to the turmoil happening in front of us. She seems only affected by some offenses (the ones against women) rather than all offenses and this is sort of bothersome.
Were it not for my anxiety or alone-ness I'd attend every demonstration there was. I am against the ban, I am against the wall, I am against reversing Roe Vs. Wade, I am against the pipeline. I am against fascism and sexism and racism and any forms of legislation that will harm the economy and the environment. But I feel alone is in my empathy for every single group negatively affected by his administration. And though I feel a kinship and appreciation and respect for all of the people out there protesting. I am not sure what my role is yet as I am paralyzed with fear and disgust for the world I am now apart of.
5 days a week I am at work where everyone appears to be going about their life as usual. And not because we aren't allowed to talk politics at work, but because everyone is so damn young and self absorb I can't imagine they even notice the world is falling apart. I feel like I am living in two different narratives: one where the world I see it is a complete and utter disaster. One where racism and sexism and populism (fascism) have been normalized. And the other world, where where this is either seen as okay or the indifference masks how utterly indecent the world now is.
I am baffled. I am scared. I am uninterested in participating in any discussions other than making this situation better. I do not want to be on the wrong side of history. I don't want to passively sit around as things fall apart. But I feel immobilized. I am without merit.
I regret spending four years obtaining just a BA in English. I wish I would have gone to law school or at least taken some civics classes. I wish I knew more about how the world runs, how the government governs and the steps to take to make things better. Instead, I am anxious and a little hopeless. I am afraid because I imagine things will only get worse from here.
And living in this state of fear is beginning to take its toll. I am obsessed with the fallout. I am behind the wheel of my car, and there is a accident on the shoulder and I know I need to focus on where I am going but I crane my neck regardless to bear witness. And this constant state of fear has just made me bitter and scared. It paralyzes me. I am exhausted, tired and scared. I just hope I can channel this despair into real energy. Right now, it has lead to sleeplessness and depression.
I am a person deeply affected by my environment. When things are good, I am good. When things are not great, well...
Last summer I was perhaps at my peak good-ness. I'd been at my job for a few months and was starting to make real money. Kat and I were in-sync with our friendship and spending quality healthy time together. I was in-shape and athletic and learning to accept my body as it surprised and changed. My apartment was also just beginning to feel like home, I was buying furniture and establishing a routine for myself that accommodated my new life. My life felt new last summer. There was no Sean, no bookstore, no vertigo. There was just this feeling of peace because things were falling together for once.
So much has changed. Everything feels fucked.
I haven't had a good nights sleep in 14 days. How has it only been 14 days since T***p was sworn in as our "president". I use this phrase lightly. I won't apologize for how politically themed my journal entries will be these days, weeks, month and/or years. This is not democracy were are living in. I am stunned by how quickly things have changed as a citizen. I am fearful of going to sleep at night because I know I will wake up to another ghastly breaking news advent. Every day since T***p has been president has been a nightmare.
I am not okay and this has nothing to do with party lines, or gender lines or race lines. I am not okay because as a human being the last 14 days have been ghastly to watch and be apart of. For the first time, in my whole entire life, I am ashamed of my country. I also do not say this lightly but I am ashamed that differences in how we choose to govern has allowed us to abandon basic decency. How did we get to this point in history where a madman is at the helm and everyone is sort of directionless as he targets women, Muslims, minorities, the economy, nature
I stay away from the news as much as possible but Twitter is a helluva drug. It keeps me aware enough to stay "woke" but not too engrossed that I end up terrified and unable to function as a human being. But even with these limiting strategies, i am anxious and crabby and not well these days. After the Muslim ban last Friday, I think i may have cried myself to sleep...something I have not done in a very long time.
I wanted to participate in the protests that weekend but protesting alone is not something I feel comfortable doing. Outside of the Women's March, Heather is pretty uninterested in participating in future demonstrations and as my only friend...she'd be the only one I could attend these protests with at the moment. But she has decided to take a more passive approach to the turmoil happening in front of us. She seems only affected by some offenses (the ones against women) rather than all offenses and this is sort of bothersome.
Were it not for my anxiety or alone-ness I'd attend every demonstration there was. I am against the ban, I am against the wall, I am against reversing Roe Vs. Wade, I am against the pipeline. I am against fascism and sexism and racism and any forms of legislation that will harm the economy and the environment. But I feel alone is in my empathy for every single group negatively affected by his administration. And though I feel a kinship and appreciation and respect for all of the people out there protesting. I am not sure what my role is yet as I am paralyzed with fear and disgust for the world I am now apart of.
5 days a week I am at work where everyone appears to be going about their life as usual. And not because we aren't allowed to talk politics at work, but because everyone is so damn young and self absorb I can't imagine they even notice the world is falling apart. I feel like I am living in two different narratives: one where the world I see it is a complete and utter disaster. One where racism and sexism and populism (fascism) have been normalized. And the other world, where where this is either seen as okay or the indifference masks how utterly indecent the world now is.
I am baffled. I am scared. I am uninterested in participating in any discussions other than making this situation better. I do not want to be on the wrong side of history. I don't want to passively sit around as things fall apart. But I feel immobilized. I am without merit.
I regret spending four years obtaining just a BA in English. I wish I would have gone to law school or at least taken some civics classes. I wish I knew more about how the world runs, how the government governs and the steps to take to make things better. Instead, I am anxious and a little hopeless. I am afraid because I imagine things will only get worse from here.
And living in this state of fear is beginning to take its toll. I am obsessed with the fallout. I am behind the wheel of my car, and there is a accident on the shoulder and I know I need to focus on where I am going but I crane my neck regardless to bear witness. And this constant state of fear has just made me bitter and scared. It paralyzes me. I am exhausted, tired and scared. I just hope I can channel this despair into real energy. Right now, it has lead to sleeplessness and depression.
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