Sides of History

I am officially on Melatonin again. Yay for insomnia and general stress induced awfulness.

I am a person deeply affected by my environment. When things are good, I am good. When things are not great, well...

 Last summer I was perhaps at my peak good-ness. I'd been at my job for a few months and was starting to make real money.  Kat and I were in-sync with our friendship and spending quality  healthy time together.  I was in-shape and athletic and learning to accept my body as it surprised and changed. My apartment was also just beginning to feel like home, I was buying furniture and establishing a routine for myself that accommodated my new life. My life felt new last summer. There was no Sean, no bookstore, no vertigo. There was just this feeling of peace because things were falling together for once.

 So much has changed. Everything feels fucked.

I haven't had a good nights sleep in 14 days. How has it only been  14 days since T***p was sworn in as our "president". I use this phrase lightly. I won't apologize for how politically themed my journal entries will be these days, weeks, month and/or years. This is not democracy were are living in. I am stunned by how quickly things have changed as a citizen. I am fearful of going to sleep at night because I know I will wake up to another ghastly breaking news advent. Every day since T***p has been president has been a nightmare.

I am not okay and this has nothing to do with party lines, or gender lines or race lines. I am not okay because as a human being the last 14 days have been ghastly to watch and be apart of. For the first time, in my whole entire life, I am ashamed of my country. I also do not say this lightly but I am ashamed that differences in how we choose to govern has allowed us to abandon basic decency. How did we get to this point in history where a madman is at the helm and everyone is sort of directionless as he targets women, Muslims, minorities, the economy, nature

I stay away from the news as much as possible but Twitter is a helluva drug. It keeps me aware enough to stay "woke" but not too engrossed that I end up terrified and unable to function as a human being. But even with these limiting strategies, i am anxious and crabby and not well these days. After the Muslim ban last Friday, I think i may have cried myself to sleep...something I have not done in a very long time.

I wanted to participate in the protests that weekend but protesting alone is not something I feel comfortable doing. Outside of the Women's March, Heather is pretty uninterested in participating in future demonstrations and as my only friend...she'd be the only one I could attend these protests with at the moment. But she has decided to take a more passive approach to the turmoil happening in front of us. She seems only affected by some offenses (the ones against women) rather than all offenses and this is sort of bothersome.

Were it not for my anxiety or alone-ness I'd attend every demonstration there was. I am against the ban, I am against the wall, I am against reversing Roe Vs. Wade, I am against the pipeline. I am against fascism and sexism and racism and any forms of legislation that will harm the economy and the environment. But I feel alone is in my empathy for every single group negatively affected by his administration.  And though I feel a kinship and appreciation and respect for all of the people out there protesting. I am not sure what my role is yet as I am paralyzed with fear and disgust for the world I am now apart of.

 5 days a week I am at work where everyone appears to be going about their life as usual. And not because we aren't allowed to talk politics at work, but because everyone is so damn young and self absorb I can't imagine they even notice the world is falling apart. I feel like I am living in two different narratives: one where the world I see it is a complete and utter disaster. One where racism and sexism and populism (fascism) have been normalized. And the other world, where where this is either seen as okay or the indifference masks how utterly indecent the world now is.

I am baffled. I am scared. I am uninterested in participating in any discussions other than making this situation better. I do not want to be on the wrong side of history. I don't want to passively sit around as things fall apart. But I feel immobilized. I am without merit.

 I regret spending four years obtaining  just a BA in English. I wish I would have gone to law school or at least taken some civics classes. I wish I knew more about how the world runs, how the government governs and the steps to take to make things better. Instead, I am anxious and a little hopeless. I am afraid because I imagine things will only get worse from here.

And living in this state of fear is beginning to take its toll. I am obsessed with the fallout. I am behind the wheel of my car, and there is a accident on the shoulder and I know I need to focus on where I am going but I crane my neck regardless to bear witness. And this constant state of fear has just made me bitter and scared. It paralyzes me. I am exhausted, tired and scared. I just hope I can channel this despair into real energy. Right now, it has lead to sleeplessness and depression.