Loneliness.

My mind is very muddled these days and honestly, for the most part, I am not coping or managing. Between daily anxiety attacks and little energy to do much of anything...things are not well for me mentally. I am struggling to step out of myself and just breathe. There are things I can control, there are things I cannot and these two realizations will never ever find middle ground.

This insanity that is life these days would be easier to manage if I had actual friends. But I am suddenly a friendless, hapless, 30 year old. I do not regret ending my friendship with Kat. It was necessary but she was kind of the reason I had so many people in my life. She was the beautiful popular one who befriended the small and socially awkward girl. She was like knowing the bouncer of a club I would otherwise be denied from. And now that we aren't friends, I don't have much of a support group around me. My access has been revoked.

I have not been this alone since college and I must admit returning to this alone-ness is strange. Familiar, survivable but strange. I suddenly don't exist as I used to. This is only really evident when I want to do something and realize I don't have anyone to do them with. Heather, my only real friend at the moment. is only accessible on her time. She's sort of straight forward about this,  so I am not offended or hurt. .When she needs to do something (shopping, movies, eating lunch) that she doesn't want to do alone, she'll ask me to go because she knows I am available. It's a little isolating and we haven't really hung out much these last few weeks because she has a life very independent of our friendship.

My non-existent social life  is a direct correlation to my increasing anxiety. Don't get me wrong... I am very much an introverted person. I struggle to express myself verbally, I need "me" time, I am a fan of silence...but loneliness is not something I enjoy. They are two different entities. Life is simply about sharing experiences and moments with people you choose to have in your life. Whether it's a handful or a few chosen few.  It is about interconnecte-ness. It is about love, in all it's various forms. And I miss having bonds with people. I miss feeling needed and loved.

So of course I am an anxious and messy these days. Of course I am vulnerable and sensitive to everything around me because I don't have the comfort of friends to assuage my fears. Left to my own devices I am a paranoid, sullen and un-centered person. I am not my best self. I recognize now that  you can be an introvert and still required the presences of people to thrive. Sometimes that gets lost in the conversation of introversion and extroversion.

With spring approaching I hope to curb this hopelessness. I need to be more social. I have to make friends. I have to be a part of a community again. I worry about my alone-ness, not on a large scale but on a small intimate scale. My birthday is a week away, I will be 31 years old and I have no one to share the day with.  I worry that my alone-ness is permanent. That I have missed the window for connections. On a large scale this thought terrifies me. On a small scale, this thought ignites my resolve to do something so my life feels...centered again.