Birthday

Tomorrow I turn 31. Oh. My. Gawd. I cannot comprehend this.


Today I woke up around 7, took a shower, ate breakfast and read a few chapters from an Ocativa Butler book. Once I was satisfied with ending at the right moment in the book (and fully caffeinated), I decided to get dress so I could head to work. 

I got my hair done this weekend, so I was feeling extra pretty today. I decided to wear my black denim jeans, a low cropped grey t-shirt under a light black hoodie. I paired this with a fake leather jacket because Spring is around the corner and I am over long puffy coats. I finished the look with my black combat boots that always make me feel badass and feminine.

As I was leaving my apartment, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. These days, I am often struck by my appearance and the way I carry myself. I am 30 years old. I am less anxious, more grounded and okay in my skin. I am more aware of who I am, which makes me worry less about how others see me.

With my straight jet black hair hitting the collar of my leather jacket, My thin face eclipsed by huge brown eyes...I was overcome by the person starring back at me. I've come so far since college, and post college and Marie's death.

I am the same 19 year old girl who wore layers of clothing to hide my chubbiness. I am the same 21 year old who spent her birthday alone playing the sims. I am the same 22 year old who cried on the subway after saying goodbye to my mom. I am the same 25 year old who lost her best friend suddenly and fell to pieces. I am the same 28 year old who caressed a horrible boy to sleep a few nights before he departed for the Navy.

And yet despite everything...I am also this entirely new person. A person that surprises me everyday. A person who speaks her mind, is flirtatious, is confident and fiercely independent. A person who pays bills, and drives a car and makes doctors appointment. A person who makes decisions and frets about life and is contemplative. A person who still struggles everyday with congruence and wholeness. A person who still seeks balance on the tip-rope.

I turn 31 tomorrow, and it strikes me how profound and momentous that is.