MIXCD's 2011!!!

I think it's about time for another mixcd exchange. Don't you?



I cannot express how awesome the mini mixcd exchange was last year. I still nod my head down the streets to the playlists I recieved (and I hope you do the same).



In September I tentatively thought about regniting the Mixcd Exchange project. But I got all bummed out about job, life and general me things.



2010 has been rough. I been on a few interviews, fell in like with boys who seem to out of reach for me, and cried more than I liked to admit in the sleeve of my pillowcase.



In all honesty, I am so ready for 2010 to be over. I have such high (high) hopes for 2011 that I am counting down the days to New Years Eve like no one else's business.

A couple of days a go a friend reminded me of this mixcd exchange from last yearand I remembered what a blast it was recieving snail mail with mixcd's and letters. I feel like it would have perked my spirits up this year also had I gotten around to posting about it.


Because lets be honest, while I am as broke as a broke can be, working retail at the horrible Le Sad Store, wearing shoes that are five years old there is one thing i know well....really great music. You can't take that from me.



And lately I have been listening to some kickass stuff. I can say this because I am a music snob and proud of it. And while I have been down in the dumps lately a Mixtape Exchange for the new year would be...the shit. There is no other way to put it.



So. How should i do this. The rules are the same I guess. I'll copy and paste the edited rules from the entry a year ago:


1. Lets Make A Mix CD! It's that simple. I will compose a mix cd for you, with about 12-2oish songs of my choosing. In turn you'll make me one. Each tracklist will different and be composed of songs I think a) you will like or b) that I like SOOOO much I hope you will like them while also getting a better sense of who I am.



2. In order for this to be an exchange those participating have to make a mixtape for me. It would work in the same way. Put songs on there that mean something to you or that you think would mean something to me. I listen to (almost) everything but I'm really just interested in what you choose.



3. The mixtape have to have a title (apparently it's that law) accompanied by the tracklist. I think the naming process has something to do with rule (or rather suggestion ) number 5. I am horrible with giving things titles and if you are like me this naming thing will seem....stupid. But the name will give the Mix Cd a unique character. Last year we even jazzed up the mix cd's. Many had booklets and covers and I adored the personal letters accompied by awesome music.



4. What I believe to be the most important part: LISTEN to the mixcd before viewing the tracklist. I think this is important because we all have biases. I mean if I were to see a Justin Bieber song on the tracklist you could be damn well I would scuff and skip that song and in the process potentially miss out on a song that has meaning to you or that might not suck as bad as I thought it would (please don't put any Justin Bieber on the mix cd's if you do not have to though).


So listen to the CD first and then after the last song has played go and check out the playlist. You may be surprised



5. Theme it up! Well if you want. Mixtapes usually have some sort of theme to them. A mix for rainy days, snowy days, calm afternoons, Party in the USA days, I like you but I don't know how to tell you, I dislike you but I don't know how to tell you. My friend at work believes the THEME is the most important part. I don't really do well with themes (plus my theme is technically the person I am making the mix for). I will let you decide if you want to make a themed mix cd or not. No pressure here.



6. Last year Cd's were sent out around Xmas. Because Christmas has passed and New Years is days away I want to be able to give everyone ample time to compose a tracklist. 2 weeks seems fair enough. So Mix Cd's should be sent out by/on January 17th! Because of this I need to know who is participating no later than MONDAY January 3rd. Just send me a quick email saying you want to join. And if you are reading this entry on January 5th and think you have missed the deadline just send me a quick email anyway. It's all cool.

7. The tricky part. If you want to participate send me your email address. I tried to set up a gmail account via Blogger but that didn't work. So for those who don't have my aol address I set up another a gmail account. It's everythingwas301@gmail.com.



7.5 (NEW) Last year I exchnaged mainly with folks I am familar with on this blog. It's a privacy thing (and I'm uber weird about sending out my home address in the age google maps!) but I don't want to exclude anyone who reads this journal but who may not comment all that much. Hell I rarely comment on the blogs I read.

So while it is important that those of you participating are people I am familar with I will create a Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt Mix Cd this year, specifically for readers who I don't get a chance to hear from. A musical soundtrack and representation of this blog for all those who want to participate.

I will provide a PO Box address to those who email me at the gmail account. While I want the mixes to be personal I want to take note of everyone who reads my journal and who wants to participate. So come on, join us!


8. This should be fun! I set out to do this because I have been documenting my everyday experiences for a while. Because of the nature of my blog i have strayed away from making all aspects of my life available here. And in all honesty I probably never will. I have lost some friends (readers) because of my elusive nature, and I have in the past felt guilty for not extending the 'real world' Beckett to those who have access to Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts. And even though this is the realest form you will ever get of me, I thought this MIX CD EXTRAVAGANZA could be a way for me to say "hey I do exist out there somewhere, wanna hear some cool sounds to remind you of that". It's me extending my blog hand and inviting you into life outside of this blog for a moment or at least 59.4 minutes according to someone's playlist.




If you want to join let me know. I would kind of have to have a complete list of people I need to make a MixCD for on Monday. I get overwhelmed easily, some mixes will be easier to compose than others.



Alright those are the rules. Anyone who wants to join in on the fun leave a comment or email me. I'll post more once I get a list of everyone who is participating.

This is going to be amazing. I can already tell.

~Becks

Blizzard 2010.

Holy Smokes. I wanted snow but I wasn't expecting this much snow.

The last week was overwhelming busy. I'll just have to come to grips with the fact that working in retail will forever make me dislike the holidays, just a little. I won't be as bad of a scrooge as I was this year. But I will have a little PSD anytime I step at a checkout line.

I am struck by how predictable people are. Retail reminds you of the horrors of consumerism and the bane of our existence is wrought with ungrades. Every year a new item comes out that children, adults, and those of us in the middle NEED. It turns everyday good people into savages. I am not a person who constantly needs an upgrade. I've had the same tv, glasses, dvd, phone plan and ipod for the last five years. I don't see the point in having an Ipad or an e-reader. I don't need tv on my phone or the interweb at my fingertips.

I'm not that complicated. Give me a paperback book, my simple ipod and some warm pajama pants and I am set for life. This year people came out in hoards to shop for Christmas presents. It was disheartening, and stressful and a bunch of the seasonal employees crumbled under the pressure. The rest of us defended ourselves against rude customers, crying babies, and one kid who threw up all over customer service. We hugged it out in the break room and sang songs of survival.

And we talked about drinking. A lot.

On Thursday I had to open (8am to 4pm) but was able to spend the rest of the night and Christmas morning at my aunts house. Our relationship is mending. The whole fiasco of last year is still pretty painful but I love hanging out with my baby cousin. She is five now and her personality is infectious. When my aunt asked if I wanted to spend the holidays with them all I could think about was Michelle. How awesome it would be to help her open presents.

When I got to my aunts house, all three of them (Michelle, aunt and Chris) were camped out on the couch watching cheesy movies. Michelle almost knocked over as she hugged me to the ground. We spent the rest of the night baking cupcakes and drawing pictures. I even helped her make her first real story book. She came up with the characters, story and pictures herself. I just wrote every choppy five year old sentence down. She squealed with excitement when I told her to sign her name after the finished product. I am nurturing a creative kid in the making.

On Christmas day I could only stay until noon because I was scheduled to work 7am the next day at Le Sad Store. My aunt had to work Christmas so it was just Michelle, Chris and I. I wanted to be able to help Michelle open up all her presents, followed by setting up all her toys to play with. She got a Leapfrog device which she played for the majority of the morning while I braided the hair of some Rapunzel-isue doll.

Being around her eliminated all the scrooge like sentiments for me and by Sunday even though I had to get to work at an ungodly hour because Le Sad Store had to mark down all of the holiday items, I was giddy all day. So people were still assholes once the store opened. So I was completely exhausted and drained from having to work so early. But that didn't matter because getting to play Just Dance for Kids with a uncoordinated five year old is the bees knees of pick me ups.

Everyone else did not share this same giddiness. Kat and some others (who usually don't work weekends) had to come in and were miserable looking. Blue was there and he showed off his very cool feather hat but sulked most of the day as well. I do adore boys with interesting fashion however and asked him to model it on during our lunch break. It was cute. McAbs however was in a horrible mood, per usual. I asked him how Christmas was and he replied 'I drank, a lot". When i asked why he said 'because it's Christmas. it's what we do at home'.

Alright then.

However during my break as I was talking to my mom on the phone McAbs walked down the aisle where I was lingering and bent down to kiss me. I kid you not!!!!!!! Evident by how many exclamations points I used. He kissed me ya'll!!!

It was a small peck, soft and unplanned one, as if there was an imaginary mistletoe over our heads. It took me off guard (soft lips, unshaven face, boy smell, blushed cheeks). It lasted less than 3 seconds. But holy crap. A kiss from the boy I was not expecting one from. He then walked away as if nothing had happened and said 'merry Christmas Beckett". No words. No words at all.

I played it off very cool around the rest of the day. I didn't mention the kiss. He didn't mention the kiss. We talked about Just Dance and he said I was the only nice person at work. I said he wasn't too shabby when he wasn't sulking around and being a turd. We will not mention it at all, I guess. It will remain something he did unexpectantly, my cheeks will just have to de-blush themselves.But when I got home, I did bring my hand up to my mouth just where his grazed mine. What a weird boy.

And THEN I got presents from my best friend at work. In a very cute Christmas bag I got a doctor who nerd fans greatest gift....A sonic screwdriver! I nearly cried from happiness and then felt guilty because I didn't get him anything (I'll spend the next few days surfing the net for superman related gifts. any ideas will be greatly appreciated).

Today there is about 20 inches of snow on the ground. I am still going to work ( I freakig hate retail) but combined with my presents, hanging out with Michelle, and a kiss from McAbs I am feeling the holiday spirit all of a sudden. Or I am just high off of all the love.

Thank You Blizzard 2010.

To Be A Bear.

It's really really cold outside.



I had to go to the Post Office today to pick up a box to ship some presents home and I almost ran back inside once I realized how cold it was outside. 19 degrees was our high today. 19. I didn't even know temperature like that existed. The Post Office isn't even that far from my house but the chill here is enough to make me want to stay inside all day curled underneath piles of blankets and pillows.



I have seriously considered going into hibernation more times than usual this year. The thought of staying inside a warm enclosed space until the sun comes back out would be delightful. I already hoard food. The shelf below my mini fridge is awesome. Cereal, saltine crackers, cookies, soup, and boxes of hot chocolate. I have my computer, music, plenty of books from my trip to The Strand and netflix so i wouldn't have to worry about lack of entertainment. And I'm a bit of a loner anyway so limited contact by phone and emails will make up for the lack of interaction with people.



This is something to consider. I wonder if I'd get paid time off for this?



I am a huge fan of winter. Don't get me wrong. I have never gotten seasonal depression. I excel in cold weather and I find snow to be beautiful. I feel an attachment towards the snow like no one else. I am not even jaded yet with having to travel in it.



A couple of days ago we got our first real snow storm and I reacted like any other 24 year old. I tilted my head on the walk home and tried to catch snowflakes on my tongue. I then made a heart shaped snow trail in someones yard.



Do you know when I was a baby I almost died. One night I got a fever so bad that I went into some weird shock while in my moms arms. My mom freaked the fuck out naturally when she saw that I was having difficulties breathing and running a dangerously high fever. It was also the night of the first real snow storm in New York(or at least that is what my very dramatic storytelling mom says)



For reasons she cannot explain, she carried my very on the 'verge of death' self outside, into the freezing cold where the snow had accumulated a few inches. She dropped to her knees and with me in her arms and pressed me into the snow. She says it was the first thing that came to her mind while waiting for the ambulance to come. That I just needed to be in and of the snow to lower my fever. To shock my senses.



And you know what? Within seconds lifeless me stirred awake. I cried in her arms while she cried against my head. I still went to the hospital and was given antibiotics for what I believe was my first real encounter with Scarlet Fever. But that story remains a winter tale for the ages in my family. And why I believe the snow and I are intertwined for life.

See. The cold and I are wicked good friends.



But that doesn't mean I am still not over December 2010. I would still like to hibernate for a while. Squirrels do it. And so do Bears. Bears! How i would like to curl into a very tight ball and remain there for the duration of December. I'll come up for air, food and entertainment when necessary. I promise.


This month has just taken a huge toll on me. I have a weird case of homesickness combined with a restlessness that keeps me up at night. I didn't get to bed until 3am the other morning (where I watched a marathon of a show called 1 Girl, 5 Gays on Logo. It was actually pretty hilarious). I'm apprehensive about sleep. Because that means waking up. And waking up means worrying about the things that keep me up at night.

I am so ready for 2011. The new year cannot come fast enough. This holiday season is dragging by and I am all kinds of over it. On the list of things I'll ask for this Christmas, a break is one of them. A break from my routine, a break from the worries of money, rent, job, boys and life. A small hibernating break for a few months; just until I am better equipped at dealing with everything.

Is it 2011 Yet?

This December I am feeling extraordinarily stressed. Let me rephrase that. I am feeling extraordinarily stressed, anxious, broke, tired andcranky this December.

I loved being home for Thanksgiving, but the stress from spending all that money to go home is smacking me in the face. I did not get paid for the week that I was gone and now Christmas, rent, student loans are around the corner and I am just not feeling it. At all. My wallet is stretched thin and I wish more than ever that I had a crappy entry level job that pays more than minimum wage.

I have sort of been dragging around the last two weeks in a daze. I applied to five jobs in one day last week and am worrying about money more than I am use to. When I am not feeling broke I feel disconnected from everything and one around me.

Recently a guy whose been at the store for six years was ordered to take personal leave because the managers think he is losing it. I am friendly with said guy, Dave, and was sort of taken aback that he won't be at the store for a while due to this leave. He is often moody at work and doesn't listen to the managers that much. He has a very dry sense of humor with childish tendencies towards gossip.

But to me he is manageable. He does his work, he interacts to people that he likes and he leaves Laffy Taffy on his desk that we are all welcomed to take. And now he is on 'personal leave'. I asked him what this mean when he stopped by this weekend to finish up some Christmas shopping and he said the managers thought needed a break from the job because his behavior was becoming destructive. Whatever that means.

I have felt more crazy than not most days. I am moody and unpredictable. I am shock full of passion and intensity. I think too much and am affected so easily by my environment that it can be infuriating to some. And one of my biggest fears in life is someone telling me that I can't hack it anymore. That my cracks are beginning to bled through and that I may need to take some time off to figure things out.

My biggest fear is not being crazy or strange or weird. I've got that done to a science. My biggest fear is that the parts of me that are neurotic and strange (anxious and spacey) will exclude me from society. That some day some one or some organization will decided to banish me because I have off days every once in awhile. That's what is feels like the did to Dave. And seeing that the last two weeks have not been great for me either I worry that I am losing it akin to an exhaustive breakdown. I just need a break, maybe even a personal one but i'd like to make that decision myself rather than it being imposed on me,

I am managing as best as I am, but some days are worse than others. On Saturday I closed with a bunch of new people who were all getting along and enjoying there time together. I felt distant and alone and when McAbs came to say hi after being at work for five hours I walked away sullenly and told him I wanted to be by myself. Like a cat I crave attention when I am ready to have my belly rubbed but the moment I want to be left alone I could care less if no one is around me.

Kat and Ricky were hamming it up at customer service, the new people were being all new and jovial, McAbs was running around talking to the guys in the music department and I felt abandoned. I felt uninteresting and perhaps that is why I was all by myself. And by the time anyone did realize I was at work, I already felt dejected and second best so I shunned their attention.

I am a curious complex girl. I wonder if I will be like this always.

In other very random news Blue invited me to his New Years Eve party this year. He asked me rather nicely the other day while I was heading into the break room. He said that he knows I don't drink a lot but that he was having a very relaxed party with some friends from school (and employees at Le Sad Store). He is renting a hotel room downtown where the party will be held and that I was completely invited to come: 'you don't even have to drink if you don't want to. you could bring the notebook you are always writing in and everything'.

Though I am very hesitant towards parties and large crowds, I think a social outing will do me some good. Plus Blue is throwing it. Our relationship is very....strange. He is a nice, funny, interesting guy who I hang out with a lot. On Friday we were going to go to a mutual friends house to watch movies and such but when that friend had to cancel plans Blue didn't mind coming to the grocery store with me as I piled my basket with frozen pizza and boxed juice.

We are goofy and dorky around one another and I rarely find myself becoming distant towards him. I am playful and spontaneous (i may have initiated a wrapping paper sword fight in the snow) and he touches my head affectionately, a lot. But I have on idea what we are doing. Like if he does like me when will he admit this and I don't mean in a cryptic 'you have sparkly brown eyes way'. And I'm still trying to figure out how I like him. I mean he is very attractive and easy to talk to. Last weekend he looked dapper and fit in gray slacks and a black sweater. I watched him (oh, embarrassed now) saunter away and got all kinds of blushy and flustered.

But how do i like him? As a very cute friend. Or as this potential something nice. I do not know. But I am going to his New Years Eve party. Definitely. I will not bail and come up with some lame ass excuse.

I won't.

Snow!!!

It's snowing outside and I am uber excited.

That is all.

Ms. Lack of Follow Through

So remember that girl Jenn? The one who planned and executed Nerd Day 2010?



Well don't tell anyone but we are planning on moving into together. Don't worry. I am not moving in with her anytime soon but the thought of getting a place together in the city has crossed our minds more than once.



See, she is graduating from college in May and because she already has a teaching gig in the city she wants to live closer to her job in June. Because I am confident (or hopeful) that by the Spring I will have my own very own job (any job), working in the city and commuting from where I currently live would be a pain. I mean, I could do it but why spent 3.5 hours traveling to a from the city everyday when I can cut traveling cost and time by living closer.



And despite the high cost of living in NYC there are neighborhoods that border the main part of the city that are reasonable. With a roommate I could live in a two bedroom apartment for about 650/month (excluding utilities). And by June, with job in tow, I too would be looking for a place closer to my job. From this, we decided that because we know each other well enough share a space, that we could potentially move into together.



If our (my) plans work out that is.

And in all honesty, despite how lucky I got with my current housing situation, I am excited about potentially moving in with Jenn this summer. She is responsible, smart, and nerdtiffic. She has an awesome library of books, she's an anthropology major and witty as hell. I adore her. She's a close enough friend where I am comfortable sharing an apartment with but not...Marie. Who I love but could not room with.



She is worried though because despite showing an immense interest in moving in with her she has heard from Kat and Josh that I lack 'follow through". That come May she definitely is moving into the city and that she would really like to be roomies with me because among other things 'our library would be awesome'. But in so many words I can tell she was voicing her concerns that I would bail on her.

I of course reminded her that without a financially stable job I wouldn't move all the way to the city to work retail. But that as long as I had a job come Spring, I definitely have every intention of moving into an apartment with her. For serious.

But it is a little discerning to hear that I am known as Ms. Lack of Follow Through because of my...well my lack of follow through. I have no one to blame but myself. I am a loner by trade. I hang out with who I want to when I want to and I rarely make myself do any sort of activity I am not comfortable with. With Jenn or Angie or Cello Girl I was completely present to their friendship. I never bailed. I always wanted to hang out and be around them.

I hate that this is a blip in every one's memories. That before I was friends with them I hung out with Angie and Cello girl every weekend. That I was, with them, a very socially present girl. That I enjoyed our weekends camped out watching movies and baking cupcakes.

That just because I do not hold the same affection for them has nothing to do with my lack of follow through. That just because I do not want to edit Josh's dumb stories or hang out with Kat who flirts with every decent looking guy doesn't mean that I am a girl who lacks...the motivation to act.

I just do not have the same connection with the current people I hang out with. Not because I don't like them but because I am not always sure of their interest in me as a friend. I am not sure of anything.

But it doesn't mean that I am not a follow througher (new word!). It doesn't mean that I am slack ass. It doesn't mean that I am not busting my butt to make things work here, for me. And just because I decide not to hang out with them every time a new bar open doesn't mean...anything.

except when it does.

This has been a very anxious week for me. I am frustrated, tired and broke. Yesterday I applied to 5 jobs hoping that one will call me in the next few weeks. And don't get me started on the writing process. I've attempted to create a writing schedule for myself in order to finish a short story or two. But my mind is very muddled. Writing is the easiest and most difficult thing for me. I've only just started writing short stories 3 years ago and I am finding the format difficult. My wordiness and internalization of feelings rather than description of actions is not translating well to the short story format. And i find myself throwing pens in frustration.

And I now I can't stop hearing Josh and Kat's stupid voice saying that I can't commit to anything as I stare at a very blank word document. I can't help but question if I am actually a person who cannot commit fully to something with bailing rather quickly.

Maybe it's a title I deserve after all.

Not Up to It.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am feeling a little...unfocused these days.

By unfocused, I mean I am so not up for doing much of anything these days. People keep commenting that I look 'tired' and I can't even disagree with me. I am sort of tired, like I've been running a marathon for quite some time now and I just need a break. A tiny one.

I can't even say that I am in a funk. It doesn't feel like one. I am not feeling depressed or even particularly sad. I am a little stressed about money and job related things but I am use to that.

I am just feeling blah. I am not excited about a lot of things lately. I could literally care less about Christmas this year and I am seriously bored by the routine my life has fallen into.

Today I had the day off, and though I promised myself I would send out some applications and try my hand at writing a few pages of my short story, I stayed in bed most of the day trying to take a nap.

But I couldn't even do that. I feel unfocused. So unfocused that even sleep is difficult. I don't know what to do to pick my spirits up. I was thinking about going ice skating and there is this Edward Hopper Exhibit at the Whitney that I was contemplating. But I just don't know.

I need to do something though before this blah does because a funk.

First Impressions are Everything.

So a couple of weeks ago I thought I had an amazing opportunity to reapply to the company that did not hire me back in August. I don't want to re-live the nightmare that was that interview process but for reminders sake let me sum it up in a few sentences:

During my internship with Lenny I travelled, a lot, to this 'amazing' production sales and rental company in the West Village. In August I saw an ad for an opening in their company with the sales department. I applied that day and received a call on my phone a few days later inviting me in for an interview. However, I personally did not receive said voicemail until a week and a half later, after checking my phone for missed messages. I called the HR Manager immediately to apologize and possibly schedule an interview. But I could not reach this chick for another full week and when I did finally reach her she said had no intention of calling me in for an interview because of my 'lack of professionalism'

Some how I managed to convince her to just let me come in anyway. Mistakes happen but my attempts to reach her in those weeks represented my complete interest in working for their company. She sighed. Scheduled me to come in the next day and you can read how that went down here. Despite everything I did to convince them otherwise, I did not get the job. Instead I got a .40 cent rejection letter wishing me luck.

So when I saw another opening at the company in the same department (just a different and lower paying position), I jumped at the opportunity to apply again. It's been 3 months since the disaster that was my first attempt. I've brushed up on my nerdy technology knowledge since then, and maybe the waters have calmed between me and the HR Manager. Plus, the job I applied to and was invited to interview for was a Sales Administrator gig. I don't even know how i got called in for this due to my lack of qualifications. The recent position I applied to a few weeks ago was for a Sales Assistant, a position I felt more qualified for.

But no.

After 3 weeks of sitting around, reading all my dumb camera related, production news web sites the position is no longer available. I didn't even get an interview for the position I was more qualified for. I cannot help but to take this to heart. I cannot help but feel like the misery that was the first interview has ruined my second chance. And to add insult to injury (a phrase I will be using a lot during this job hunt) they've posted another ad for another sales position just last night.

I grew up watching shows where the nerd protagonist (usually male) is obsessed with the hot popular counterpart (usually female) and spends the next ten seasons (or 90 minutes) pursuing the uninterested object of his/her obsession. I cannpt help but feel like the nerdy protagoinst right about now.

Interestingly enough though,towards the end of the season/series the nerd has pursued said romantic interest for so long that eventually she caves in and realizes her love for him after all this time. Maybe that is why I will forever be a heartbroken optimist. Damn the 90's,

Maybe all of those writers from the 90's read Pamela in college too. Because seriously that book is one fucked up mess of a story and if you haven't read it, you should just because it is absurd but continues to influence thematic arcs today. Sorry I just got a nerd revelation regarding the evolution of the Nerd in popular culture. I geeked out there for a moment and most remember to expand on my obsession with nerd culture.

In Pamela, a young servant girl is pursued by her employer Mr. B to the point of maniac obsession. He follows her around, reads her journal, hides in her closet while she is dressing. Bizarre stuff. At first Pamela is frightened by her employers advances. And she should be because Mr. B scores an 8 on the whack job scale. But towards the end of the first part of the novel Mr. B lessens his aggressive pursuit and suddenly Pamela realizes that she is in love with him. That is willing to give her heart to him. Or maybe she is suffering from the first case of Stockholm syndrome. I don't know.

But then you look at shows (and movies) like the Wonder Years, Family Matters, Saved By the Bell, My So Called Life, Edward Scissorhands, Freaks and Geeks, Pretty in Pink, which all use this same sad but all too true theme: A nerd (outcast;in various forms) pinning for someone he knows he can't have. And the moment he thinks he has lost her/him for good she realizes her love for him/her in return. It's not always the case but I will spend a couple of days working out the kinks of this argument.

What I am trying to say, in regards to this job, is that when I saw the opening last night I became excited and then pissed. My first reaction was "Oh My God, I should apply to this again" followed by "wait a minute...". I don't want to be Steve Urkel. Or Screech. Or Brian Krakow. Or worse Mr. B! Though in this scenario I feel like I am. I don't want to keep pinning for a love interest that keeps turning me down. While I still think this company is providing an amazing service to the production community, obviously I have been deemed 'unfit' to work for them. And I don't know if continuing to show an interst is well...in my best interest.

I mean when do actions go from dedication to desperation. To apply again this early on just reads desperation and I honestly don't know if I can (nor want to) invest any more energy in this company if I never have a chance.

What would Mr. B say? okay never mind what he would say. It would probably include the phrase 'rummage her while she is asleep that'll do the trick'. I do believe he did this in one scene.

Okay, better yet, what would Steve Urkel advise? Would he suggest to keep trying because eventually Laura will realize that despite the years she spent thinking you a nuisance she has grown to love you. That while the more qualified and attractive Stefan fits her more popular wholesome social mold, good old Steve Urkel has more character and heart than any Stefan Urqulle times two.

That in the end, try until you can't try anymore, unti he hurts too much to attempt, because she'll come around. She'll see the potential in you that you see in her. They always do.

I don't know.

I love being the nerd who pines for the way out of my league counterpart (Hello Brain Krakow. Though with all respect Angela was not out of his league). I love being the underdog. I love being the outcast who doesn't ever really belong. But I refuse to appear desperate, even if that is the case. Especially with this company.

I'm a little frustrated today. I feel stuck and without an exit strategy.

Or worse. I feel utterly resigned.

A Long December

Hello December. How I am so not ready for you. At all.



The last few days have been a blur. On Sunday having spent 15 hours of my life on a train, I crashed into a several long term naps. I had crazy dreams about work followed by bouts of sadness when I woke up, which usually happens after I travel back to New York from South Carolina.



Thanksgiving was amazing. I was only home for four days but I managed to spend enough time with my brother and mom to make up for the short stay. We played Just Dance 2 on the Wii and watched Boardwalk Empire Marathon until late in the night. My mom of course made more food then the three of us could stomach, and I still think there is leftovers somewhere in her fridge.

I spent much of Friday and Saturday lounging and reading The War of Art, which was recommended to me by someone at work. He lent me his worn tattered copy as long as I promised to bring it back from South Carolina. The book is only about 120 pages and is suppose to motivate my creativity (he said). I have a lot to say about this book. Some positive. Some negative. I found myself rolling my eyes more than not. Remind me to write a post about this in the near future. And about Hipsters. They are destroying america.

Since returning to New York I have readjusted to my life again. In the south I don't think I even attempted to wear suitable clothing. I wore my old grandpa pants and college t-shirt and spent most of my time home inside only venturing out at night to look at the stars.

There is always this weird readjustment period after I've been in the south for a while. The days right after I leave the comfort of my house, mom and brother are kind of hard and lonely. Where i have this super strong support system at home, I come back and realize that I am sort of alone physically in New York.


Sure I have friends here and there, but I don't really have anyone to rely on. I come back and I have to make sure that things are secure, safe and comfortable for me. At this stage in the game I am the only player on the court trying to manage everything so things don't fall apart. I am of course thankful for the friends that I have made and the life I created for myself but some days I can't help but wonder if I have made the right decision.

During these readjusting days from vacation, I contemplate my move to New York. I wonder if I have made the right decision in choosing to live here. It's been two years since I graduated college and I wonder if the path I am on is the right one, especially because I often feel stuck at a very long red light. And facebook doesn't help either. Sure most of my 'friends', especially from South Carolina, are married and updating their statuses with 'baby number 2 on the way. my life is great!'. So yeah, I am not envious of them obviously but there are others whose life I can't help but compare myself to. Whose paths 'seem' paved in gold.

And I often wonder if I should have taken that left instead of heading right. If I should have taken another route instead of this one.

Case in Point:

On the train from South Carolina we stopped in Philadelphia for a little while and I was struck by memories of my short stay there. Looking back on it now Philly is like a really attractive, compatible, interesting guy who I never gave a shot to despite the promise and possibility we possessed together. When I applied to college my senior year of high school I choose schools in Philly because I was attracted to the city. From it's history and culture to sense of community and promise of Brotherly Love. The small university I eventually went to set atop rolling hills on the outskirts of Philadelphia and had that little bit of Northern pretentiousness that I like.

The week or so that I was there, before withdrawing from the university due to financial reasons, were not as bad as I made them out to be. But because I was nervous, sullen, scared and 18 I didn't even try to make my life in Philly work. The moment tuition became an issue I saw my opportunity to run away. I didn't even try to come up with a solution.

Everyone was so nice and supportive that week. From my roommates, to RA's, to every other very nervous freshman away from home for the first time in their lives. But I sort of pushed them away. My roommates were worried that I was spending too much time alone. The RA's saw that I was not adjusting well and suggested activities for me to participate in. I was assigned a floor buddy even, so that I wouldn't feel left out. I am okay with admitting now that I was probably that weird roommate no one could relate to. The weird one who people whispered about. The girl the RA's had to keep an extra eye on just in case shit hit the fan. And I wasn't helping with how sullen and distant I was that week.

I did have a small group of friends the first couple of days though, they just lived in another dorm. We met during one of the freshman orientation sessions the first day and hung out for a good while afterwards. The school was so small that the freshman class could be divided into majors for specific orientation related meetings. At a 'Biology Majors" seminar thing, I met a short girl with curly hair who I immediately latched on to out of comfort. We had to sit next to each other during a lecture and she complimented my James Dean bag. We did the weird awkward 'since I don't know anyone and you don't know anyone do you want to hang out' head nod and wandered around clueless together that whole day. She lived in the dorms a few hills away and we bonded more out of convenience than anything else.

She was roomies with a meek girl with glasses who was engaged to a boy who just joined the army. Meek girl was sweet and naive and spent the portion of our time together professing her undying love for said fiance. I found myself hanging out with Megan, I believe that was here name, and her roommate that first week, meeting up in the mornings to have breakfast and such. Megan was nerdy and nice but she wanted to socialize that week. By the third day of our 'friendship' she was already trying to dodge Meek roommate and I. I could tell that having two awkward girls following her around was a little much and she soon began drifting away.

Instead of trying to meet other people, I ingested this first form of rejection as a prelude to what my four years of Philly would look like. I spent the next week hanging out at the library a lot; writing Marie and my mom emails about how much I hated Philadelphia and my university. It's not to say that the situation was the reason I left. It wasn't even close to the reason. But combined with homesickness, private college tuition cost, and general anxieties it was all too much for me. I avoided my roommates the rest of that week and walked around the campus a lot. I spent more time talking to staff members than my peers. I quickly decided then that I wanted to be somewhere else.

But in truth I really liked Philadelphia. I liked the neighborhood and the people and the access to the city. I liked the culture and the exposure to Philadelphia from my tiny small university. I liked the row houses, and the parks nearby. I liked what i wanted out of my life there. And as I was watching all of the passengers get off in Philadelphia I wanted to grab my things and get off there too.

And trust me, I love being in New York. This time around, despite the minutes or hours I contemplate the decision to be here, I am happy with my life. I am still awkward and sullen some days but I have built and continue to build something here that is resembling the stability that I need. Before I headed back here Matt sent me a text message that simply read 'Beckett come home'. Maybe what I really desire most in life is to want and be wanted by the same things. I want New York to want me as much as I want it. I want Blue to want me as much as I want him. I want things to level off and meet eye to eye for once.

And some days I regret not trying to do that in Philadelphia. And though I miss being home some days, I don't want to regret my life here either. So Hello December. Another month to get my life here together. Nice to see you again.

Anyway

I am back to the grind again. I started work immediately on Monday and was thrust into the hell that will be the Holiday season. We have a bunch of new faces at Le Sad Store who will all need to be trained at one point or another. This will be a pain when trying to manage unruly customers and new employees who have no idea what they are doing.

Obviously I am not looking forward to this at all. I don't want to sound like a Grinch but seriously I sort of want December to be over already and it has only just begun. This year I'm asking Santa for a Job and maybe a pretty boy with blue eyes. I don't want anything else. I just want to be able to wake up on the weekend knowing that Monday is just around the corner where I will travel to my okay paying entry level gig. Fingers crossed Santa receives me Christmas list. I've been good this year.