Is it 2011 Yet?

This December I am feeling extraordinarily stressed. Let me rephrase that. I am feeling extraordinarily stressed, anxious, broke, tired andcranky this December.

I loved being home for Thanksgiving, but the stress from spending all that money to go home is smacking me in the face. I did not get paid for the week that I was gone and now Christmas, rent, student loans are around the corner and I am just not feeling it. At all. My wallet is stretched thin and I wish more than ever that I had a crappy entry level job that pays more than minimum wage.

I have sort of been dragging around the last two weeks in a daze. I applied to five jobs in one day last week and am worrying about money more than I am use to. When I am not feeling broke I feel disconnected from everything and one around me.

Recently a guy whose been at the store for six years was ordered to take personal leave because the managers think he is losing it. I am friendly with said guy, Dave, and was sort of taken aback that he won't be at the store for a while due to this leave. He is often moody at work and doesn't listen to the managers that much. He has a very dry sense of humor with childish tendencies towards gossip.

But to me he is manageable. He does his work, he interacts to people that he likes and he leaves Laffy Taffy on his desk that we are all welcomed to take. And now he is on 'personal leave'. I asked him what this mean when he stopped by this weekend to finish up some Christmas shopping and he said the managers thought needed a break from the job because his behavior was becoming destructive. Whatever that means.

I have felt more crazy than not most days. I am moody and unpredictable. I am shock full of passion and intensity. I think too much and am affected so easily by my environment that it can be infuriating to some. And one of my biggest fears in life is someone telling me that I can't hack it anymore. That my cracks are beginning to bled through and that I may need to take some time off to figure things out.

My biggest fear is not being crazy or strange or weird. I've got that done to a science. My biggest fear is that the parts of me that are neurotic and strange (anxious and spacey) will exclude me from society. That some day some one or some organization will decided to banish me because I have off days every once in awhile. That's what is feels like the did to Dave. And seeing that the last two weeks have not been great for me either I worry that I am losing it akin to an exhaustive breakdown. I just need a break, maybe even a personal one but i'd like to make that decision myself rather than it being imposed on me,

I am managing as best as I am, but some days are worse than others. On Saturday I closed with a bunch of new people who were all getting along and enjoying there time together. I felt distant and alone and when McAbs came to say hi after being at work for five hours I walked away sullenly and told him I wanted to be by myself. Like a cat I crave attention when I am ready to have my belly rubbed but the moment I want to be left alone I could care less if no one is around me.

Kat and Ricky were hamming it up at customer service, the new people were being all new and jovial, McAbs was running around talking to the guys in the music department and I felt abandoned. I felt uninteresting and perhaps that is why I was all by myself. And by the time anyone did realize I was at work, I already felt dejected and second best so I shunned their attention.

I am a curious complex girl. I wonder if I will be like this always.

In other very random news Blue invited me to his New Years Eve party this year. He asked me rather nicely the other day while I was heading into the break room. He said that he knows I don't drink a lot but that he was having a very relaxed party with some friends from school (and employees at Le Sad Store). He is renting a hotel room downtown where the party will be held and that I was completely invited to come: 'you don't even have to drink if you don't want to. you could bring the notebook you are always writing in and everything'.

Though I am very hesitant towards parties and large crowds, I think a social outing will do me some good. Plus Blue is throwing it. Our relationship is very....strange. He is a nice, funny, interesting guy who I hang out with a lot. On Friday we were going to go to a mutual friends house to watch movies and such but when that friend had to cancel plans Blue didn't mind coming to the grocery store with me as I piled my basket with frozen pizza and boxed juice.

We are goofy and dorky around one another and I rarely find myself becoming distant towards him. I am playful and spontaneous (i may have initiated a wrapping paper sword fight in the snow) and he touches my head affectionately, a lot. But I have on idea what we are doing. Like if he does like me when will he admit this and I don't mean in a cryptic 'you have sparkly brown eyes way'. And I'm still trying to figure out how I like him. I mean he is very attractive and easy to talk to. Last weekend he looked dapper and fit in gray slacks and a black sweater. I watched him (oh, embarrassed now) saunter away and got all kinds of blushy and flustered.

But how do i like him? As a very cute friend. Or as this potential something nice. I do not know. But I am going to his New Years Eve party. Definitely. I will not bail and come up with some lame ass excuse.

I won't.