Ms. Lack of Follow Through

So remember that girl Jenn? The one who planned and executed Nerd Day 2010?



Well don't tell anyone but we are planning on moving into together. Don't worry. I am not moving in with her anytime soon but the thought of getting a place together in the city has crossed our minds more than once.



See, she is graduating from college in May and because she already has a teaching gig in the city she wants to live closer to her job in June. Because I am confident (or hopeful) that by the Spring I will have my own very own job (any job), working in the city and commuting from where I currently live would be a pain. I mean, I could do it but why spent 3.5 hours traveling to a from the city everyday when I can cut traveling cost and time by living closer.



And despite the high cost of living in NYC there are neighborhoods that border the main part of the city that are reasonable. With a roommate I could live in a two bedroom apartment for about 650/month (excluding utilities). And by June, with job in tow, I too would be looking for a place closer to my job. From this, we decided that because we know each other well enough share a space, that we could potentially move into together.



If our (my) plans work out that is.

And in all honesty, despite how lucky I got with my current housing situation, I am excited about potentially moving in with Jenn this summer. She is responsible, smart, and nerdtiffic. She has an awesome library of books, she's an anthropology major and witty as hell. I adore her. She's a close enough friend where I am comfortable sharing an apartment with but not...Marie. Who I love but could not room with.



She is worried though because despite showing an immense interest in moving in with her she has heard from Kat and Josh that I lack 'follow through". That come May she definitely is moving into the city and that she would really like to be roomies with me because among other things 'our library would be awesome'. But in so many words I can tell she was voicing her concerns that I would bail on her.

I of course reminded her that without a financially stable job I wouldn't move all the way to the city to work retail. But that as long as I had a job come Spring, I definitely have every intention of moving into an apartment with her. For serious.

But it is a little discerning to hear that I am known as Ms. Lack of Follow Through because of my...well my lack of follow through. I have no one to blame but myself. I am a loner by trade. I hang out with who I want to when I want to and I rarely make myself do any sort of activity I am not comfortable with. With Jenn or Angie or Cello Girl I was completely present to their friendship. I never bailed. I always wanted to hang out and be around them.

I hate that this is a blip in every one's memories. That before I was friends with them I hung out with Angie and Cello girl every weekend. That I was, with them, a very socially present girl. That I enjoyed our weekends camped out watching movies and baking cupcakes.

That just because I do not hold the same affection for them has nothing to do with my lack of follow through. That just because I do not want to edit Josh's dumb stories or hang out with Kat who flirts with every decent looking guy doesn't mean that I am a girl who lacks...the motivation to act.

I just do not have the same connection with the current people I hang out with. Not because I don't like them but because I am not always sure of their interest in me as a friend. I am not sure of anything.

But it doesn't mean that I am not a follow througher (new word!). It doesn't mean that I am slack ass. It doesn't mean that I am not busting my butt to make things work here, for me. And just because I decide not to hang out with them every time a new bar open doesn't mean...anything.

except when it does.

This has been a very anxious week for me. I am frustrated, tired and broke. Yesterday I applied to 5 jobs hoping that one will call me in the next few weeks. And don't get me started on the writing process. I've attempted to create a writing schedule for myself in order to finish a short story or two. But my mind is very muddled. Writing is the easiest and most difficult thing for me. I've only just started writing short stories 3 years ago and I am finding the format difficult. My wordiness and internalization of feelings rather than description of actions is not translating well to the short story format. And i find myself throwing pens in frustration.

And I now I can't stop hearing Josh and Kat's stupid voice saying that I can't commit to anything as I stare at a very blank word document. I can't help but question if I am actually a person who cannot commit fully to something with bailing rather quickly.

Maybe it's a title I deserve after all.