The Heart is a Muscle

I am looking forward to Spring. I don't believe I have seasonal depression but I must admit that I am not able to handle winter. There is a novelty about it during the holidays but that is as far as my love goes. It has snowed 3 times since March 1st and I am over shoveling snow, scrapping ice off of my car and not being able to work from home like a normal human being because my boss prevents it.

I am ready for Spring and warmth and rainy afternoons and  British dramas. I want to bring out my waffle iron and whip up meals every Sunday while the sun gives off the perfect light. I want to place my awfully big winter coat in the depths of my closet and finally pull out my light jacket and spring dresses. I am in no way prepared for Summer but Spring and I have a solid appreciation. I just want to bathe in her light.

Because I am one to embrace honesty I had plans to see Matt this weekend.  Despite my proclamations of being over the boy... he texted me last week and said he wanted to be emotionally open with me. I don't know what the fuck that means and I must admit when i got the text i rolled my eyes so hard i got a headache. It feels like another trap from a boy who continues to send mixed messages and I wasn't sure how to approach the situation. But because there is always going to be a little part of me that wants things to work out with everyone, so instead of ignoring the text and staying strong....I was like "omg, yes! i'm so glad you want to be emotionally open. Lets hang out this Sunday".

The next day he spent the majority of our texting convo telling me how much he wanted to fuck his co-worker even though she's "so basic and annoying but I want to do things to her and for her because i'm a man". I walked right into the trap again ya'll. I don't know why i'm such a sucker for the damaged ones. He then proceeded to tell me how disappointed he was the last time he hung out at my house because "you weren't acting right and I hope this Sunday your attitude is better". I wasn't "acting" right because I woke up with excruciating stomach pains and when i asked him to leave so I could get some rest he insisted he stay to watch the walking dead. A show i have never seen nor wanted to see. But mainly, I can act however the hell I want in my home.

I have put up with a lot of shit from this boy but i can't fathom someone disrespecting me in my home or about how I act or run my home. As someone who spent the first two years living on my aunts couch and then a mattress on the floor before being kicked out and having to rent a room in a house full of strangers...I value the fuck out of my apartment and space and the tranquility that it inspires. I can be moody or sullen, sleepy or energized, lustful or bored in my apartment whenever i fell like it. He is a guest in my home who is critical of the fact that I "buy water bottles" and "have too many pillows on my bed".

Of course this isn't the first dumb thing Matt has said recently. For reason the boy continues to passive aggressively point out my flaws as if he is externally trying to convince himself that he shouldn't mess with me (it's cool bro, i don't want to mess with you anymore. You don't have to worry) but his way of doing so is vocal and hurtful and often unnecessary. If we were just friends I don't think there would be so much miscommunication or mixed clues.

I think it's funny that he reached out to me (not the other way around) for whatever reason but I am still the one who has to pass all of his dumb "relationship worthy' tests. And I admit, had sex or even making-out happened between us, I would (unfortunately) continue to play the game until things progressed or ended between us. But the boy has given me nothing to work with (not even a sneak peek) and he doesn't even have a super stellar personality. Where he was once charming and nice, he is now judgemental and bombastic. I get the impression that he feels like he is doing me a favor by hanging out with me cause "no one else will" or to use his words exactly "I hang out with a lot more people and have less time than you do..."

Lately, he's been telling me how great he is in bed or how attentive he is to women needs which made me think he was extending his services. BUT this would quickly be followed up with a "but i don't like short girls, or women who like cats, or women with short hair(which i had for several years) or women who can't quote the Bill of Rights" Okay, the last one is a stretch but you get the point. It was like he was pointing out very obvious traits that I possessed to reiterate that he wasn't interested or was conflicted. But for someone with a laundry list of things he doesn't like in women, he never once offered what he could bring to the relationship table.

I don't know what or who Matt is looking for but after his comment on Thursday I just don't have the sexual, emotional, mental or romantic patience to pursue a relationship or even a friendship any further. I don't think I have ever texted a friend about wanting to fuck a co-worker (followed by all the explicit things I would do) and I have never (ever) disrespected someone in their own home to the point that they felt uncomfortable. But of course, because i;m me...I still feel incredibly guilty about ending this once promising something. There are times when I am lonely. There are times when I wish I had a partner to take the load off of general life suckiness.

 I am not interested in online dating ( but i appreciate all the recommendations from family and friends to give it a try) but honestly until Matt popped up I wasn't even looking to date. My life these last three years have been...life affirming, mainly because I have invested more time on my mental wellness than anything else. I want to be a happy, healthy, empathetic and caring adult  who uses her creativity and kindness to change my world for the better. And I know that if I continue on that path whoever and whatever is supposed to be in my life will. No doubt. Doesn't mean I won't sulk the next couple of weeks and mourn what never was but i won't let it take me off course.

Hiatus

Matt and I may have finally reached our point of no return and not in the passionate all consuming way i wanted.

As I expected, things have been a little strained between Matt and I since Valentine's Day. He has been distant and closed off and emotionally combative for reasons that are confusing and almost hurtful. I knew this was going to happen. That's why I was super hesitant when he asked me to hang out on Vday and also why I have been less aggressive in my pursuits of this boy. He seems generally conflicted about his interest in me. If there are even any.

After Vday we went a few days without talking and then we kind of resolve the disagreement where he made it seem like I was the one who wanted to hang out and was being a little too clingy with this time. Yep.

Then the boy straight up forgot my birthday or pretended that he did. When he finally reached out to me it wasn't to wish me a happy birthday it was to accuse me of with holding the information from him which is insane and dumb. Luckily I had plans on my birthday that did not include Matt so i did not feel so slighted by his complete disregard. My friend Tim wanted to take me out for drinks and food and when I told Matt this he replied back "Have fun on your date" and then disappeared for two days.

 However, on Sunday despite the awkward text exchange, I was expecting the boy to come over because we usually hang out unless otherwise specified.  He failed to show up. No text, no call...nothing. I sat in my apartment all day waiting for his call or text or ETA and he just never showed up.

The next day he casually asks me if we are hanging out the following Sunday (with no mention of him not showing the day before) and I told him I had plans and couldn't see him. We don't text the rest of the week until Friday when he casually lets me know that he is going on a date! Yes, ya'll a date with a girl he met online. I am taken aback by the text because it seems like a weird thing to let me know. Are you rubbing it in? Do you want advice? Are you just being cruel with my time yet waning affection? I am not sure.

I was surprised by my response though. Instead of going straight savage on his ass....I told him i was happy he was getting out there and dating again and that I hope he has a good time. I just do not have anymore time for his buffoonery. He seems to be a bumbling mess of a man who has this perfect idea of a woman in his head that is not founded on  who women really are.  A few minutes later he tells me "she cancelled. I guess i'm just not meant to find anyone". I wish you could see how far my eyes rolled back into my head.

We briefly had a conversation on dating and expectations and he tells me his ideal partner is someone who "doesn't want kids and hates cats". Like why would you say that to me. I am explicitly expressed my love of cats and my desire to have a family ( i mean not anytime soon. but like I am not anti-kids). It was just another comment that seemed to dig at who I am and what I want and i am confused.

I had plans to hang out with my friend Tim again this weekend (who Matt hates) and of course Matt spent the whole time texting me as if to get a response. He wanted me to know that he was handling his rejection well and maybe he should give up dating altogether and get a dog. I was both annoyed and perplexed by these texts and did not respond back until later that night after Tim and I got completely drunk at his apartment after watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. I probably should not have drank as much as I did but it was nice for once being around someone who likes having me around, no questions asked.

So i think for the time being, I am going to take a indefinite break from Matt. I am not going to completely disappear from the boy's life but I do need to reclaim my time because he is wasting it. I am not a hard person to love. I am kind and empathetic and funny and a little charming when i want to be. I am affectionate and loving and giving to a fault. I am not a hard person to love and anyone who makes me feel as such is not worth my time.

If I am not what this boy wants or needs than I cannot and will not try to convince him otherwise.But I'm going to have to take a break, a breather, a mini hiatus indefinitely or temporarily from him. I don't know if he is sabotgaing things between us on purpose or if he truly lost or never was interested.  But i deserve more. I am sure of this now.