Close Call.

I had another dehydration spell this weekend.

It did not go well.

Despite my best efforts: drinking water, eating more and trying not to exhaust myself, this weekend my body completely shut down again. I worked both jobs Friday night (1-5 at the law school. 5:30 to midnight at le sad store), didn't get home til 12:30 and then had to wake up to start work at le sad store in the morning. I didn't grab anything to eat to fuel my body, i didn't chug water to hydrate. I simply showered. Ran out my house. Started my shift and then wondered why i felt like complete and utter shit a few hours later.

By four, I had that familiar and terrifying nauseous and dizzy feeling. My head hurt. I felt disoriented again. I thought i was going to pass out. I asked the manager if i could grab a quick bite from the cafe even though I'd taken my lunch. She agreed and then let me sit in the office to rest my head for a bit. Dehydration is not a great feeling. It feels like i am shutting down physically. And because i feel like my body is caving in, I get emotionally drained. For some reason i started to cry and worry and over analyze my life. I left the managers office and headed to the bathroom where i cried for no reason at all in the stall until i was ready to face the world.

When I finally got home. I cried while eating my frozen dinner and passed out cursing my body's slow demise. It was brutal. I woke up in the morning with swollen eyes and a heavy head. I thought I was going to die. To be honest, Saturdays dehydration spell was sort of my fault. While I am adding more water to my diet. I do not eat a lot.  This is nothing new. I love food. I really do. But i do not eat a lot of food. I have never really eaten a lot of food. No, I do not have issues with eating (this has been brought up a lot this week and it's only Tuesday). I do not have abnormal body image problems. My motto has always been: if i''m hungry...eat. If I'm not hungry... I don't eat.

The problem is, i never feel hungry. Oh every once in a while my stomach growls and I'm like 'i should probably eat something'. But for the most part I settle for being half full. I wake up. I'm not hungry. So I skip breakfast. I go about my morning dancing, singing, reading, writing. I eat lunch. Around noonish. Something just to feel okay. Then I take a nap: about 2 hours. I wake up. I go to work. I grab a small snack. I drink soda. I head home. Sleep. Repeat.

And now with two jobs, a social life, no days off this routine is even more fucked then before. I may eat breakfast but skip lunch and dinner, I may nap here or there or get a few hours of sleep at night. If I can find the time in between remembering to breathe.

Yes, I know this doesn't sound healthy but this is my routine. But it's what I've been doing for quite some time. When I went to the hospital the first time they asked me how much water i drank in a day and when's the last time i consumed a meal. I told them i didn't drink water regularly and that i hadn't eaten much that day. The nurse gave me a peculiar look and then said: well don't you think it's something you should do?

The thought never crossed my mind. This is not me being snarky. The thought literally never crossed my mind.

After i was released the nurse told me that along with drinking more I should work on eating more as well. This sounds easy. It should be easy. But it is not. I am sort of a picky eater. I don't eat seafood. I don't eat pork. I don't eat a lot of red meat. And most of my poultry comes from frozen dinners. My veggie intake is embarrassing. And i can't remember the last time i ate more than 3 balanced meals in one day. 

In college, i was poor and could only afford subway sandwiches. I made about 120 dollars every two weeks from my library job. Combined with money my mom gave me, i was on a limited income.  I would buy a foot long sandwich every two days: eat half of it the day of and save the other half for the next day. My body in my early 20's could handle this.  My body in my late 20's is not so forgiving.

The discouraging thing about my poor eating habits is that I have lost a considerable amount of weight this year. I know it's a combination of stress, my changing metabolism, walking every fucking where, and general lack of snacking as much as i use to. But my body is slimmer. I have disappeared a little. Where there was once this softness has been replaced by a slimmer version of me. And people comment all the time on how great i look. The considerable amount of weight I've lost. How light i am these days. People pick me up all the time because i am petite and easy to lift. And because I like being carried away, i let them.

So of course the thought of having to eat more terrifies me. Not only because i rarely feel hungry but because im not sure what is going on with my body anymore. I like the weight I'm at. I don't necessarily want to gain or lose anymore weight. The last few weeks I've made a conscious effort to drink as much water as i can stomach. To eat three times a day. Cut back on soda (how i miss you). Increase my  fruit and veggies intake. But i am naturally careless. I'm much better at taking care of other people than myself. I am possibly a little afraid of gaining back the weight I lost. Of returning to the state of unease with my body. So I started to slack off and skip meals again. I let my health fall through the cracks. I felt light and weightless in a way that had little to do with my new frame.

I crashed.

There are many new changes in my life that are hard to adjust to. One being that I am solely responsible for my well-being. Its not to say that i don't have a handful of people who care about how i am doing. Because there are. My support system is strong tho small. Distant tho helpful. But at the end of the day when my friends go home to their own lives, when the line on the other end of the phone clicks off, when the texts die down in the middle of the night...it is me alone who I have to rely on. And I'm not going to lie and say that this is a tiresome feeling.

More days than not i wish there was an actual person who cared enough to be responsible for me. Not because i am not capable but because sometimes i slip up and forget. I am careless and often let things fall through the cracks when I'm not paying attention. It's what i spent the better part of Saturday crying about. I felt ashamed that my own attempt to keep the seams together failed miserably. I forgot to fucking eat. Who does that? Who forgets to feed themselves.

And it's not just my weight. or staying hydrated that concerns me. I get nicked, scrapped and bruised a lot these days  and i am conscious that it's because i lack a constant watchful eye telling me to be careful. The other day, I was putting up some paper lanterns over my desk. I had to use my chair as leverage to stand on my desk to tape the lanterns to my ceiling. I stood on the tip of my toes to place the lanterns just as i wanted them. When they were up I stepped back to get a look at my handy work but misjudged the width of my desk. Before i knew it I lost my balance, i slipped from the edge and thought i would regain stability on the chair. But my feet slid from the desk off the chair and I grabbed pitifully at the air as if an invisible rope would save me. Instead i landed on my back.....crashing on my bed with a thud. Luckily. 

For a moment i laid there contemplating the near severity of my fall. I kept repeating 'i'm okay. I'm okay. that could have been worse than it was. Ive gotta be more careful" in my mind. I let out a thank god sigh and then laughed nervously as i stared up at the lopsided lanterns. And then i cried. Because everything lately feels like a close call. Everything feels like i am one step away from losing control. That i am going to give way because i am not being careful with my body. From the trips to the hospital. To the cut and bruises. To the nicks and bumps. To the dehydration and borderline malnutrition. I am simply being careless because i am tired and i am only know aware that in the whole wide world i am solely responsible for myself.

And I can't even do that right.