The Secret Garden

That was my absolute favorite movie when i was younger. I was obessed with England at the time and had imagined that i was really born there and was duchess or something. So when the movie came out, and the whole concept of this undiscovered garden in london and a girl name Mary, i was hooked.

What me and Mary had in common was that we that we didn't cry. As a kid i never ever cried. I mayhave metioned this before, but it is the truth. I think at the time me not crying so much was a way to prove that i was tough. Or maybe it was just that i thought it was a weakness. Like i assumed only weak people cried, people who didn't have a backbone or something. I was embarassed by crying because up around people who never cried. Or at least wouldn't do it in front of me.

Of course at 16 that just wasn't the case. I started getting weird aniexty attacks when i went to school. I've always been good with my teachers, more really than students. I've had problems with some of the male teachers though, i mean they seemed to like but... . In the 9th grade i had a math teacher who just creeped me out.He was young and just started and i usually don't trust the young fairly attractive teachers.

Trust me i was never sexually abused when i was a child or even as a teen, but not growing up with a father in the house, you become guarded with men. Anyone who seems to pay a particular amount of attention to me who is an older male, i just get freaked out by, because i'm not use to it. I mean with him it small things like calling me by nicknames, or... i had to stay after school with him, b/c i'm not good with math. He contacted my mother and told her that it would be best if i had tutoring after school with him. I tried everything to get out of this. But i was doing pretty bad so i had to go. The first meeting was weird. I had to sit real close to him, i mean he literally dragged my chair next to him. I was uncomfortable. The next couple of times i brought a friend with me, and then eventually stop going when my grades picked up.

This sort of weird uncomfortableness with male teachers continued throughout my high school years. I mean...yeah. Because even when i was done with their classes i still saw them in the hallway and was uncomfortable. It was only like 3 teachers that made me feel uncomfortable. 2 of them were like the ones i felt really uncomfortable by. Both of them math teachers. Both of them left my school after i was in their class. The other one...i had a crush on, but he still made me uncomfortable.

Somewhere in highschool i got anxiety. With the whole move situation, my dislike with the town, and school, and friends. I just nervous all the time. Along with a little depressed because i felt so alone. You can literally feel alone in a group of +20. I wasn't connecting with anyone and i was feeling like i was weird or so horrible that that is why i had no real friends.

Not crying when i was younger i never really learned how to deal with overgrowing emotion. Just because i didn't cry doesn't mean that i wasn't an extremely sensitive child b/c i was. But i never let any of the emotions go. I didn't realize that would be such a problem at 19.

When someone says that when you get mad or sad or whatever to punch a pillow, thats almost what the concept of cutting was to me. There was this movie on lifetime today and i could completely relate to the girl. I don't know how i heard of cutting but the first time i tried i thought it was stupid.

I still think it is, and i've never completely done it to cause myself permanent pain, but more of a release of all this boiled up emotion, and there was always this urge to do so, even though i couldn't. When i started to get really nervous about something, or upset, i would just want to grab the sharpest thing i could find and knick myself with it. Of course being into medicine i could never go through with it, so always just ending scratching myself, b/c i felt i was too weak to break skin.

I can only describe it as when you get so angry you punch somethng. Though it hurts like hell, for those first moments it feels good to get the anger out. And maybe writing is that outlet for me, something that i can just let it all w/out having to be concerned with it all.

At the end of The Secret Garden, Mary learns to cry. In the movie any way, when her uncle comes back and takes interest in the son b/c he can walk Mary feels neglected. Just as the Garden was, until she found some beauty in it, to bring life to it. Mary was competely the garden, this unloved thing that was not taken care of, but when it was, it became beautiful and magical in a way.

Sometimes i can just feel so...misplaced in the world, and i don't see the beauty in myself. All i see is the shell of a person that i assume that i am. And as she(Mary) learns to cry at the end of the movie, without being ashamed by it, maybe that's what i have to learn. To just not be afraid of being who i am, and know that someone will see beauty in that. Some friend or my family will see beauty in my step closer of being me.