The Fragile

Today was emotionally draining.

I'm feeling completely misplace today. Not even in the way that i talk about often, but in that "did i leave the oven on" way. I am searching for something but i just don't know what that something is.

I love how people say that they have the best friends in the world. That they couldn't live without them, etc. I clearly am not that person, and i would like to nominate myself for having the Worst group of Friends Ever. I deserve an award, a vacation, and possibly a therapist.

So my only friend at college Mike drives me crazy. Maybe i just expect so much out of the people that i am around, that i get frustrated when they don't really pan out, like i invisoned in my mind.

So there is this stupid psychology test, where it's like a 100 question test which tells you all about yourself, You can be an ISTP, INFJ, INFP, ESTJ, , ENFJ....ect. I am one of those 5, but i don't want to tell which one, could it could bias to anyone who has not taken the test. I tooke the test when i was in the 9th grade for a class. And i found out, that this particular characteristic is uncommon. My teacher was taken by surprise when he found out that there was "one" in his class.

I mean though i hate to think that a test can completely get who i am, this one did. It was as if someone has read my mind, journal, and put it in a book, and said "here we have you figured out now shutup about it."I was freaked out by how accurate it was. That i present a calm face to the world, but clearly have internal struggles, which i know right now sounds completely generic but there was so much more. My fear of getting in a relationship because the world will make it bad, which i wrote exactly in the last entry. It's astounding.

So, here i am now in college, and meeting Mike i told him about the test. I told him that my type was pretty rare, and instantly he jumped on me about it. When he took the test he too was the same type, but knowing myself, i know that couldn't be. He took the condensed version which is like 4 generic question. So i disagreed with him. Instantly(this was last year) he like

Mike: You are just mad b/c that doesn't make you seem unique anymore
Me: It's not about being unique, no one is unique, you aren't an I--- , a lot of people mess up on this short one, you have to take the 100 test one or it won't count.

For the next week, he tried to convince me that i wasn't an I---. He would say things like. You don't like peppironi, than you can't be an I---, or "you don't want to have kids at 18, than clearly you aren't an I---. It hurt my feelings, i barely have a grasp on who i am, and here is someone who is telling me that i'm not what i now that i am.

He took the test over the weekend(still last year) and he came back on Monday telling me that he was an...INFJ. Not what i am, close but not that close. You would think that would be the end of it....but no. He then started bragging(about a personality test) that his was better and more unique than mine, and that i was a liar b/c i had not recently taken the test. Heartbreaking.

I don't completely know who i am, but i know the foundation of who i am, and to have someone who i only known for a couple of months question that is...hurtful.

So now we are back to today, and Mike brought the Please Understand me book, which is like the Bible to this personality test. I instantly gravitated toward it, reading this astounding personality description of myself. It means more to me than it did when i was in the 9th grade. Everything is spot on, my troubles with the opposit sex, my need for being alone, but my complexity when feeling like i don't fit in. And then he starts with it again.

Are you sure you are a I---, i mean you don't seem like one. You seem to think more on a statisical way than an emotional way. I am a WALKING a emotional headcase. I think you are ISNP. Then he wants me to go take the test, like right there, right now. And when i refuse to he says it's becauise i fear that i won't be it anymore. Like my personality has somehow changed.

I hate having to defend myself...well not really defend but having to prove myself to someone else. Like why can't you just take me as i am and not question. Which almost all my "friends" have done since i've been here. He says that i am not emotional enough, that b/c i don't show my emotion that i'm an I---. That because....he gave me this senerio that was crazy

Mike: they say my relationships are like Romeo and Juilet
Me: so your going to fall in love with a 14 and then die
Mike: no, but that i would die for her
Me: not me
Mike: that's so cold, you are not an ----
Me: Listen, love is this weird thing, and i'm not going to die for someone who i just may be in like with
Mike: so you wouldn't die for someone?
Me: for one individual person...NO. For a group of people for a cause, in a heartbeat.
Mike: so if you are in a convience store and it is being held up and he says that he is going to shot someone you wouldn't get shot for that person.
Me: no.
Mike: Then you are not an I---.
Me: i would die for the safety of my family, for a cause that would help a lot of people, but i can't do that if i sacrfice myself for one individual that i have never meet before.
Mike: What happen if you knew him.
Me: He'd have to be one hell of person for me to do so, and at this moment...no

I'm a very guarded person, and i don present a calm pleasant facade to the world, but underneath that i am vulnerable. And i don't express myself in speech as i do in writing, but that doesn't make me cold....it just makes me guarded.

The conversation didn't end there. We were walking to his class, and we were talking to some boy in the hall about music or what not. They were talking about the Beatles and i brought up the fact the "N" had compared me to the song Yellow Submarine. I still don't know why, but Mike said that it was probably cause to "N" i was like a high to him. Which i never considered before, sweet almost in a way to use a Beatles song to analogize how you feel about me, but b/c i was a high to "N" then i clearly can't be an I---.

Tell me don't have the greatest friends.

I left feeling drained.

Completely about to cry for having myself judged.

I just have become so guarded...i mean i always have been. It's easier for me to write down feelings than having to completely explain them to people. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, just a very long sleeve, that through layers will be reached. But b/c i'm not a walking label, or feel this intense need to share my ever waking feelings with anyone, except those who read this blog, does not mean that i'm not sensitive, that i'm not feeling based. I feel so much, it hurts. I've become numb to it, b/c i feel things ten fold...and that is why i am completely sad right now. Completely misunderstood, tired, and just confused not because of this unsureity of who i am, just because the world doesn't care about the beauty in me to see behind the layers.