Ugly Sweater Party

A few weeks ago my boss sent out an email announcing the date and time of our official office Christmas Party with instructions that everyone RSVP by 12-22-15. Of course I waited til the last minute to make up my mind about attending the office party and now, today, I am supposed to RSVP. The email continues to sit in my inbox as i avoid having to decline. Because if I can be honest going to this thing is giving me anxiety and I can't imagine enjoying myself one bit.

I have been to a a few office related holiday parties and even now am filled with anxiety over how painfully awkward they were. I refused to put myself through that this year.I just won't.

My boss at the University used to throw a small holiday party for us because our department was never invited to the bigger office parties that took place in New York City. So just before Christmas break, our crew of 10 employees would gather in the copy room of the University and awkwardly eat store bought cookies and catered food making light conversations about tv shows and maybe the weather.

Le Sad Stores holiday parties were even worse because we had to work through them. Our managers never devised a way for us to have a store wide holiday party outside of work (though we sure did know how to throw you got a new job party) so instead catered food and snacks and holiday movies would await us in the break room, so during our lunch breaks we could celebrate the season. To be fair the store holiday parties were awesome! But having to work through one is pretty ridiculous. By the time we got our food and exchanged gifts, we had to return to the hell that is retail

But office life , and apparently office holiday parties, are a very different affair . My boss simply picked a random day out of the week to celebrate the holiday season (this Wednesday) and along with catered food there is going to be alcohol and  music and mandatory ugly sweater contest and a white elephant gift exchange. Did i mention this is also taking place after work between 6-9pm.

I've known for a pretty long time that I would not be going to this thing. 1) I don't drive and would be stuck taking public transportation home  2) my anxiety is very low these days... except when it comes to parties. I still do not feel comfortable in large crowds and lately am mortified by forced social interactions.  Mainly, I do not want to attend because I don't particularly talk to a lot of people at work so I am not to keen on being around my co-workers for 3 more hours (unpaid) after my work day has ended so i can sit around and not talk to anyone. Like i do during the day.

I know you might be saying 'but Beckett, this could be your opportunity to get to know your co-workers" which is true. It would be like the perfect opportunity to get to know the people i spend a huge chunk of my week with...but i am just not interested. I continue to grow disinterested every day in getting to know my co-workers. Most of the conversations I have throughout the week reveal in some small or big way that I have little in common with my work mates. Work is a bit like being in school. For the most part I only see these people because I have to. But the moment I am off work, they cease to exist. More-so, if I were to see any of them in public I would probably go in the opposite direction to avoid interacting with them.

For some reason, at this job, I want there to be a clear distinction between my work life and my home life. I hope, somewhere in the near future, that I will again have a job where the two are interchangeable. For sanity's sake I cannot have it be as incestuous as the bookstore but I do hope to find a place where there is balance. I look forward to working with people that i want to see at work and outside of work. Unfortunately at the moment that is not the case. Everyone is nice and fair enough but most of the times our interactions are so forced it hurts.There are a few people I make small talk with but it doesn't last more than a few minutes and afterwards we go the whole day without talking.

So yea, I'm a bad person and will send out an email to my boss telling him that I cannot attend the office party because [insert some lame excuse]. I know I will hear about all the fun that was had for weeks to come. But I am pretty sure my absence will go unnoticed.

In other news, this  work week is a short one and I am very very very excited about this. Tomorrow is our last day before the holiday and then I have the next two days off to 'enjoy' Christmas. I am not too excited by my current Christmas plans but at this point I just have to get through the next few days. My aunt still wants me to go over her house to cook Christmas brunch and labor around the house. To avoid conflict, I've decided just to go and hopefully make the best of time with family despite the obvious annoyance.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I appreciate having someone to spend the holidays with. But my aunt's the kind of person who'll invite you over to her house for dinner and when you get there she'll announce that she is actually going out for dinner with friends and she needs you to babysit for her.

 Kat and I are still not talking and honestly I'm too exhausted to dig into the conflict. We often get into fights that do not make very much sense and this one so far tops the list for the year. She dropped by my house briefly on Saturday to pick up the gifts for her bro and boyfriend that she wanted me to keep at my place. This pickup date was planned well before we started acting like the opposite of friends but nonetheless, it was a pretty awkward exchange: me walking outside with a box full of gifts followed by gruff goodbye's. So yea, that's that.

I am trying to stuff as much Christmas cheer in my body before Friday. I am planning a low key Christmas thing on Thursday which includes making pot roast and watching Christmas movies at home. It will be a little hard to make it feel like a cozy Christmas eve day with the 70 degree weather we are expecting but I will not let the last few weeks ruin what could be a pleasant sweet day.

I will try to post again before Christmas but if I cannot, I want to wish you all a happy, safe and love filled Merry Christmas (or Happy Holiday or Festivus or belated Hanukkah, early Kwanzaa)


~Becks